Monday, December 31, 2007

last glimpse



just had the last glimpse of the last sunset of 2007.. its rays were swallowed by Mt. Kanlaon as Russ and I head towards Siquijor from the port of Dumaguete.

this shot was taken inside Delta's fastcraft. as much as i would like to take the shot outside (which is highly risky and against the vessel policy..) , instead i let the window filter the last rays since the about-to-end-year 2007 is no longer ours.

welcome new year..
welcome new uncertainties..

Saturday, December 29, 2007

bed ridden

I watch my window glass turn glaring yellow, pale white, then it turns orange, then it turns purple until it became black. I watch the day goes by, while crying.

I don't know how long I’m lying on my bed.

Since I woke up, I just know that I already miss two meals: breakfast and lunch and maybe I’ll be missing dinner. I feel my stomach void of any hunger or a need to nourish myself. If the walls could speak, they might scream at me to go out and breathe some fresh air. But I don't want to, I just want to lie motionless, reminisce then cry, reminisce again then scan through our pictures: mostly smiling, kissing and cuddling. there are loads of them on my picture file folder. if I could download them on a webpage then I could probably have 10 minutes worth of online slideshow, but as Bjork’s "pagan poetry" lyrics goes: "i’m gonna keep it to myself."

one year and a half of spent time together was surely long. it’s totally strange that during those times I felt that the world is just turning aimlessly on its axis, while I’m floating on a distant orbit. and since we broke up, I feel i’m carrying the world on my shoulders. every life's realities bite and beat the hell out of me.

still lying on my bed, I feel like a larvae. I felt my bones turn into jelly. my mouth taste like metal and my lungs gasping for air. I will not be surprised if I could spit silk any minute and spin myself a cocoon. but no, i’m only covered with blanket and my pillow got overlapping tear stains. it seems that I dug my own grave and lay myself into a casket but failed to realize that i’m already dead.

my mind keep on wandering from one place to another, from one moment to another, countless scenes and a plethora of sensations, but only with one person. or maybe its not my mind that keeps on wandering, it might be my soul keep on searching for my soul mate, and until such time, my soul will not reunite with my body and leave me bed ridden.

Friday, December 28, 2007

annual liquidation

after thorough liquidation, here's most of my receipts are coming from:

  • paper back novels, movie passes
  • travel tickets
  • bhaws
  • food and beverage bills
  • vitamins and healthcare
  • clubbing, midnight kicks
  • rubbers and lubes
  • ml kwarta padala (for my brothers)
  • shirts, jeans and undies
  • starbucks non-spill mugs (seasonal collector's editions)
  • internet fees
  • cellphone load

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

perfect madness



since the recent holiday makes me totally crazy, grabbed this kafka as a present for the foolish bookworm within me.

there's no perfect madness as taming one's craving.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

12 midnight crisis

i thought i'll spend my xmas eve speaking with the americans. they're the one who coined the concept of xmas anyway, so what's the fuss of deviating from the idea of the filipino tradition of spending xmas at home which always highlighted with a feast on noche buena.

my shift starts by 10:00pm, 2 hours before the xmas eve. 2 hours before i'll surrender 20 years of tradition of spending xmas the "normal way".

it is a 12 midnight crisis.

there are 365.25 days in a year. 52 weeks, and more or less there are 104 weekends. unfortunately, December 24 falls on Monday. tsk.. fine, i'll not be absent. i already have cite form from the HR due to my excessive tardiness.

ok, i'll be present and go to work for xmas. but i'll come in late, as a protest or just for the heck of it. so what am i gonna do? where can i spend my pre-xmas eve hours?

*i am more than a hundred kilometres away from my nuclear family
*i don't have a bf anymore (pang,ouch)
*yen is in bohol, chai in cagayan, vera is on field, while russ will spend it in his sister's place with his family.
*my crush will celebrate their xmas party shortly before their shift starts.

in short, i have nobody i can be with this xmas.. as much as i wanted to be a loser, i don't wanna sit in a bar and get drunk least txt anonymous people and have random company.

fine..fine..fine..
im on my own again..
so i hailed a jeepney
do wind riding
see the city pouring with xmas lights
do church hoping
take pictures of this "spur of the moment" images
see children smile
greet random people merry xmas
let mariah and christina shriek as they do their xmas hymns on my headphone.

but still,
i have this need for a home.
an immediate home.
a solace from this demanding year ender celebration.

txted vera: asa ka..
giving gifts sa mga pulis ug mga nurses on duty.
I'll be home in 30 minutes.
anha ko inyoha ha.
then she replied: coolness uuu

we waited for xmas eve by eating choco coated peanuts while watching snippets from the movie 'my best friends wedding' and "vanity fair" . listen to various artists from vera's collection while the xmas tree keep on sparkling at our back.

i should be at work now. my shift starts at 10pm and its almost midnight but i let the time pass by. what is two hours late compare to more than 20 years of keeping the tradition of spending xmas with your special ones. i might not be at home with my family but at least i am in the company of Vera's sisters, aunts and cousins. somehow i find peace with them.

1:00am, December 25. i hug vera merry xmas before heading towards work.
there might be some missing elements but at least we overcome the emotional turmoil of this supposedly "happy holiday" and have this inner glow within us. glowing with the hope that someday, we fully grasp what's the true meaning of xmas in our lives

Sunday, December 23, 2007

a lone traveler




i was stranded in Bantayan. i'm just 15 minutes late when i see the ship lumber its way to the other side of the port, heading towards Cebu. Leaving me all alone in this island.

Now, i just have to wait till early morning the next day to board for their first trip.

So i have all the time to feel the sands under my toes and savor the moon.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Bjork-Declare Independence @ Glastonbury

2008, here i come!

where the hell is santa claus?

I'm packing my things up and will find myself some piece of Xmas.

minced onions

sitting by a cafeteria, i see xmas rush through the misty glass wall:

  • a peddler selling animated inflated toys.
  • a town kid clutching on his father's polo while bringing a basket, inside a "manok bisaya" popping its head as it seems seeing the city for the first time.
  • two old hags holding hands as they approach a younger girl ug nangayog pinaskohan, the girl who happen to wear a grass green layered dress, fish out for her les sportsac purse and hand on the random gift with a smile.
  • students both from Banilad Elementary school and Bright Academy bring their wrapped presents for their exchanging gifts.

when travelling, i usually pack things in a hurry, inevitably i forget the small yet important ones:

  • mobile charger
  • undies
  • slippers
  • and toothbrush

i broke up with Julio, two days prior to our 18th monthsary, too bad we end up sooner than i expected to be. the reason behind the break up is as sudden as a candle wick burnt out as all the wax has already evaporated. details would be unnecessary.

on my playlist:

  • diana krall - autumn leaves
  • the carpenters - solitaire, goodbye to love
  • alanis morissette - no presuure over capucinno
  • all saints - black coffee
  • dido - here with me
  • damien rice - blower's daughter
  • coldplay - the scientist

i usually don't smoke. the only time i crave for a puff would only be when i'm drunk of beer and need to sober up. no offense, but i detest for those who smoke in "non smoking" area and always toying with the idea of smashing the signage on their face. but recently, i'm seeing this guy who happen to consume more or less 1 pack a day.

about three years ago, i'm too late and too drenched to attend a class. instead of going straight to my classroom i keep on walking on the wave pavement and head towards the admin bldg, climb up on the last floor unto an open patio. my bones are shivering but i feel comfort with its emptiness and contented with the sound of the door knob clicked as i lock it behind me. then impulsively i squat down, bury my face on my folded arms and wept. for some weird reasons, i miss doing that.

i find these chores therapeutic:

  • cleaning the toilet bowl
  • doing the laundry
  • mincing garlic and onions

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

unison



performed bjork's unison at the sunflower hall.

program xmas party

Cerebro: Great minds Great people

CEREBRO: Great minds Great people



Team Hyperstorm: Cerebro Core


Saturday, December 15, 2007

a child of the universe





she once told her name and I failed to remember, I asked her when she grow up, what she want to become?


most children nowadays would reply: I want to become a doctor, I want to become a nurse, I want to become a lawyer and so on.. as if they really knew that dreams do really come true.


but this child simply smile and shy off from my query. she simply don't know. which is quite normal at her age and I'm quite glad that she's not tainted with stereotyped social roles from neither her immediate family nor mass media. yet..


let a child be a child.


may she grow with the years to come. may she realize that she is in parallel with one of the stars in the universe. That she become what she really want to be and raise the banner of free will.


she then ran away and spend her day playing with her mates. undeniably light hearted with glee.

***

a child neighbor of julio, whom i befriend with during my stay in their hometown: Danao.

photo taken by julio using his SE camphone

Friday, December 14, 2007

Parula


maaghop sa tumoy sa pangpang
didto gatindog;
tul-id ug namanhud.
gilibutan ako sa bahandi niining karagatan
apan wala masayud ang kahulugan dinhi sa pantalan

sa wala naku damha
nikalit kag butho ug
walay duhaduha ug busdak sa imong ankla
imong gipahimutang imong saag na kalag
sa akong daplin.

ikaw nagpanalipod
sa akong lawak
ug natagbaw sa akong landong
samtang ako nahimoot sa atong paghiuban.

nasusi ko tanan mong kalihokan
sa matag bugsay
sa matag ginhawa
ug sa matag higayon nga imong itabay
ang imong pukot nga mobaling sa akong pagbati

kalipay
ug katam-is sang dagat,
nga nagtampisaw imong baroto
sa akong tugkaran.

gabii; buntag
gasiga ning bombilya ko
ga kinang uban sa mga kabitoonan,
ug mosilaw dungan sa bidlisiw.

kung aduna palang koy kamot nga mo kaway
ug tiil nga mo lukso-lukso
mosayaw na unta ko dungan sa huyuhoy

apan wala nalang ko kabantay
nga nibugsay nakag balik didto sa lawod
nga walay panamilit
ug napanaw sa kapanaw-punawan
uban sa akong kalag
ug sa akong dughan
sa walay pananghid
sa katig imong gingbitbit

maaghop sa tumoy sa pangpang
didto gatindog;
tul-id ug namanhud.
gi susi ko ang tugkaran
diin mitampisaw ang imong baroto
diin ang imong ankla,
dili na motugsaw pa.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

work = fun = work < fun = ding!

To whom it may concern:


Greetings,


In lieu of my absence in November 30, 2007 shift with a corresponding incident report from a fellow colleague sited me in a bar that night. I would like to cite some details of the bigger picture of what transpired.


It's Friday night and 2 of my close friends (both of them happen to work in day schedules) invited me over for nightlife escapade. Since my schedule would be still at 1:00 am, I didn't hesitate to bond with them. I set my alarm clock at 12:45 midnight and enjoy my remaining time before my shift starts. One of the TOIC of our program did see me and we recognize each other’s presence. It was around 12:30 at that time so I am not alarmed seeing her and I'm still determined to work that night.


But it was a huge mistake for my part that I didn't look after what I’m drinking, I ordered some cocktails but also took some shots offered by a nearby clubbers. I failed to notice how time passed by and was dinged to find out that my phone already had 3 miscalls from my TL and my alarm is long since overdue. I did text my TL if I could still report for duty even if I'm late, but later I realized I’m quite too drunk to work. Thinking that I will surely commit level 3 (according to our company COC) if I still pursue to work, I decided to be absent and settle for a lesser offense.


I'm aware that there will be some exemplary sanctions for this incident and I am very much open to any litigations and required disciplinary actions for my misconduct.


Sincerely yours,


Liyo Denorte
EXXXXX

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

unwrap

post midnight and undeniably it is full moon, Chai woke me up and told me: "ikaw na Ley.."

still groggy and light headed, I climb up the stairs that lead to Bambi's room. illuminated with candle light, ms. Bambi simply squat on her mat where her tarot cards lay bare on its red silk wrapping. I was the last person in the queue for her once in awhile tarot reading session " put your hands on the cards and think about your query that you want to ask the cards to tell you"

one claimed that the word "tarot" originates from the Egyptian word "Tar" means royal and "ro" means road, thus Tarot represents as a "royal road" to wisdom. Although it became quite unsure if it really originate from ancient Egypt or in ancient India but one thing for sure is that the first documented deck was painted in fifteenth century Italy.

this would be my first time to experience tarot reading and I’m very much mystified with the belief that at this moment we can gain insight into the current and possible future situations that I will go through. So I put my hands on the cards, which I felt it has a life and consciousness of its own, and whisper in my head the desire of my heart.

Ms. Bambi then instruct me to cut the stack of cards into two then she lay all the cards for me to pick of which she later spread my chosen cards into a Celtic Cross. From then on she unravel each deck's interpretation and how it signifies to my past, present and future situations.

She smiled and declared that my cards are in favor with my fate. It speaks so loud to me that night and very much pleased that I let my query and inner self infused into its divinity. I can still remember clearly the decks that showed up. Out of 9 major decks that I picked I can recall 8.

but then, as a usual twist of a wonderful plot as should be, there are some obstacles that I might encounter and sure enough I will end up with overflowing cup. As miss Bambi assured me, u got the queen of swords; u got what it takes to overcome them all.

while my eyes are still glowing with amazement, I exit out from ms. Bambi's room, went downstairs and slept dreamlessly.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

over hot mug and pillow blanket

i know,


i got to leave my comfort zones and step into the unknown..


soon, very soon.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

nagsakit ang puson

nilabay ra ko kadali
kay mangihi
nya naa man ka,
imbis magdagan
nikinto nalang ko paglakaw.

ngano maikog man ko nimo
wala man dapat ko ika uwaw
wala man untay nagbabag
sa dalan padung sa CR
ug sa luna na imong gilinkuran

pero kaybaw ko naa kay
mata sa imong aping
kini makakita
ug dili mamilok
feeling naku, mura ra kog nag bahag
ug gision na panapton

kapuya sad aning
ma crush oi
ma-conscious maski gamayng matang
magsakit nalang kini akong puson
apan wala kini padulngan.

hay pastilan..
maka ihi man sad ta anig ahat'

ambot nimo

ayaw naku samoka
ganahan naku mo stay dinhi.
dili ko, bahala ka diha'

awaw lagi ba!
unsa man ka oi..
ka samok'

ambot nimo,
bahala ka diha

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

araneiform

this word comes out in the finals of The National spelling bee in the U.S.. a 5th grader stand up in front of the judges, he clutch his hand to steady himself as he ask probing questions regarding the word.

"Repeat the word please..", "Origin of the word please..", "Usage in the sentence please".. until he finally decided to spell out the given entry. A-R-A-N-E-I-F-O-R-M

he got it right, the whole audience applauded the young contestant as he beam in front of the camera where his image was filtered and broadcast through cable network unto my TV screen.

...

I know this will happen, as I clutch my hands on my orb web of issues. one snap, and the whole network of burdens will collapse and leave me falling in mid air.

I wonder why this happening to me right now. I'm used to deal with issues of my own. I used to fade my whole self out into my obscured existence. Now, every little thing connects and depends on me. Every reason is clear, as hard as steal and yet could be easily snapped. What if I decided to be completely vanish. What if, like a spider, draw its initial thread to be carried by the wind until it adheres to a formidable surface and migrate at once. As always, a spider will create a new web of its own and settle temporarily for good. That's right, since my current web is not my own, so I cant thread on it as I please to do so. I cannot unravel things that are not created by my own mess.

This is the time to spell araneiform.

Monday, December 03, 2007

"...and my lungs are mourning"

I wonder if a dying person does usually cry. one time, in the middle of a theater workshop, our facilitator told us that the act of dying is really hard because you cannot coincide any memory or any stimulus about dying since we haven’t experienced being dead yet. thus, any attempted act of dying will always fall short of the real expression or always be noticeably fake. then he added that dying is in parallel with orgasm. considered to be as the ascension of the soul to an individual vision of heaven (to my imagination, it would be the scenes in: What Dreams May Come, 1998). So the moment should be painfully blissful. Thus the idea of ejaculating behind the scene could be necessary to attain such orgasmic pain of dying. that idea amuses me.

.............

I just can't keep my eyes burst into tears. the overwhelming emotion might have caused this. I guess I have lower level of happy chemicals within me. i'm struck with ripples of sadness. too dark to see it in dark murky water, it could only be counted by how many times my floating blanket cascaded with the surface of the water. the water rises from my ears to my cheeks.. then slowly swallowing my entire face up until to the tip of my nose. I can't breath. like in a dream. sometimes you can't scream as well as we forget to breathe, in our dream.

....


I drew it on my sketchpad. Dark twigs of dark willow trees. it could be a leafless mangrove tree since its silhouette is reflected by the ink jet water. the moon is always there, emotionless but staring. my body floats in a dark current. my eyes pass though intricate twigs and slim branches with moonbeam piercing through spaces. I surrender myself completely to the water's coarse. it was a dream dated 11/28/2005.

..................

I shiver with a slightest breeze, I hesitate to dip in but the sea is too inviting to resist. I dock into the water level to keep me warm with its placidity, then Chai and I help Ms. Bambi, as she pull the found banka to a mystery lush of mangroves. I recognized Bambi's profile with the sliver of the moonbeam on her profile as well as the glistening of her hair as it cut through the water. she seems to be a sea nymph guiding us to a secret place. we get into the thicket of mangroves until we reach a clearing. it's like an oval track only that it’s surrounded with trees rooted into the dark waters.. It’s eerie and marvelous at the same time. it's like a scene grabbed from a mythical book of Tolkien. we reach the epicenter and saw the shy moon unshrouded herself at last. she is our main audience as we swim into the warm sparkled water. then we continue to wade through unknown territories, stepping our feet into slithering roots and muddy sands. while Bambi, our sea nymph guide tied the rope around a flimsy branch and we try to hide our identity from the guarding trees. from its roots, there dwell invisible organisms. we could only see them once we try to wave our hands under water and see neon lights illuminated through the dark. I know this is real. Chai and Russ already saw these zooplanktons and they are for real. But I can't contain myself to the extent I plunge into the dark water, opening my eyes to see those neon lights crash into my face and then I feel my eyes searing with pain and my lungs filled with murky waters.

...

My vision gets blurred this time. depressed, I might be and annoyingly I can't find my own voice. my own lungs choking me. I grab my phone and txted Vera.

"Ver, gusto naku mamatay, i want to drown myself with dark murky waters.."

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

nagpabiling nagpahiyum

alas otso sa gabii,
didto sa bo's coffee.
nagkita mig balik sa akong amigo
nga dugay na naku nakahinabi.
"kamusta naman ka?" pangutana niya
ako nagpahiyom ug dayon
sabat nga ok ra ko.


"ambi naku kay nilarga nakag Dubai,
kay gusto nimo makahuman imong mga manghud ug skwela."
daw nawala akong tingug sa akong tutunlan sa dihang iya pa tong nahinumduman,
mga yawyaw ug plano sa akong way klarong kinabuhi.
wala siya kaybalo nga ang pinakahinungdan nga moadto ko'g abroad
kay aron makalimot ko niya.


kalit nalang ko'g punit sa tisue
ug akong gipahiran akong baba sa kape nga nisidsid sa akong mga ngabil.
mao sad ang akong pagkahinumdum lima na ka tuig ang nilabay sa among kinalasang paghiuban.


...


didto sa Starmart, tunga-tunga sa gabii
gainom mig kape aron pawala sa duka ug painit sa among gakurog nga mga dughan.
nagstorya mi bahin sa klase-klaseng mga matang. mga pangandoy ug mga pagbating natabunan na sa abog sa paspas kaau nga panahon. nahutdan nalang mig mga pulong na masampit ug hangtud nalang iya kong gi hagkan.


daw sama sa suga nga nisiga,
akong mga mata ni sigrab
ug akong mga ngabil nagsampit sa iyang ngalan.
apan naka dama ko nga adunay paghugot sa iyang ginhawa
daw adunay liboan nga lugas sa humay
ang moawas sa gamayng lungag sa iyang pagbati.
sa walay pagpugong, nisulti siya kanako nga molangyaw na siya sa gawas sa nasud
aron manginabuhi ug wala siya kaybaw kung kanus-a pami magkita ug balik..
kahilum.
daw niagi ang ginoo sa among luna,
ug ang kamingaw ni dangoyngoy sa among mga nilubad nga pangisip.
gusto niyang i-tugan sa akoa nga ako magpabilin sa iyang kasing-kasing
pero daghang mga matang na sukwahi sa iyang kabubut-on.
apan wala naku kasabot sa iyang mga panulti tungod kay susama naman iyang tingug sa usa ka makabibihag nga langgam na nagkumbabit sa usa ka sanga apan molupad lang kini ug dili na madunggan pa.


lima na ka tuig sa diha akong dughan kinalasang ni taghoy.
lima na ka tuig ang nilabay sa kinalasang katamis ug pagmaya. lima ka tuig nagmaoy kining dughan ko,
lima ka tuig ug ayaw pun-i pa..


...


ug karon,
ako nang gisuyop
ang kinalasang kapait
sa kape
gikan sa akong gilama nga tasa
didto sa nanghupong nga tutunlan


ug nagpabiling nagpahiyum.

beyond the horizon

it is said that angels gather each time the sun is about to rise and during sunsets. however they can't feel anything or they can't comprehend how it is like to embrace the piercing light. in that sense then, we should consider ourselves lucky when we feel the warm glow in our cheeks every time the centre of our solar system is about to manifest its greatness beyond the horizon.


that is why I love sunrise and sunsets.. when we still had our hometown in Bantayan island, I usually take my coffee by the seashore. waking up my senses by the sweet bitterness of coffee and the whimsical roar of the waves while basking the warmth of the sun. when I was 12; just recently consider MTV as my favourite channel and my walkman as my constant companion, I climb up on our rooftop and listen to "The Corrs" at dusk. travelling would be much better if the sun is trying to peek from your window (it could be in the bus, ship, airplane..) and see it just newly woke up from slumber, or trying to rest from shining all day long.


I feel that my affinity with sunrise and sunset is closely related to the ever changing of my state of being. there is a constant change of gear of the speed on how I propel towards life. the inconsistent zest for meaning and purpose, the need to shine and the inevitable calmness of being shaded out with absurdity. The magnified silence, which requires stillness and total surrender. The placid soul that counts the waves of a single droplet. the power of dying and the glory of rebirth. each time I see the sun bleeds at the moment it sets or it rises, there is this feeling of purification and renewal. it might be paganism but that's how I consider the blinding presence of the sun, it drawn me to be with him, smile with him and dance with him.


later on, I might walk across a different horizon. I might step on foggy mountains rather than salty shores. I might see the sun being swallowed by a landscape instead of an advancing sea. From island to island, from one continent to another. Nevertheless, the sun will always follow me; it will always try to impress me. we always be together, after noontime and especially after the darkest hour.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Bjork - Harm of Will (LIVE @ ROYAL OPERA HOUSE)

there is no artist other than bjork that plucks the inner soul within me... she totally evaporates the mist of feelings that clings to my blood and turn them into a wisp of desperate longing to see her.. to breath her.. to hug her..

she just don't know how i swoon and dream about her---constantly.

gloomy monday


it totally saddened me to see IT park in total wreck.. nights before, i saw the whole place sparkles.. but then a drastic unforgiving storm, Lando, rush in like a madman last Monday leaving its cruelty with lanterns falling off from branches, trees uprooted from their anchors, tarp posters ripped off and the most sad of all, i saw an unfulfilled butterfly crushed in a dead cocoon when i was about to take my breakfast at e-diner.. it was a gloomy day..
i just hope that IT park will just grow back to normal in no time..

pagpangumpra

alas sinko sa kadlawon
ako kasagaran mo mata.
sa akong pag bangon,
makadungog naku sa akong lola
magtikaw-tikaw sa silong.

dayon sa pagtimbaya
"mayngbuntag 'la"
mao sad iyang pag-ngisi ug
pagtugon sa mga palitonon

isa ka kilo nga agumaa
usa ka kilo nga manok
usa ka lapad na mantika
repolyo, kamunggay ug sayote
sibuyas, ahos ug kamatis
ug usa ka sipi sa iyang paboritong saging

kini akong mandaan aron sa akong pagpangumpra walay makalimtan
didto sa merkado, diretso sa akong suki
na si nang Susan

"maynbuntag nang.."
sa dayon kong pagpahiyum
pagkakita niya sa
giduka nako nga dagway.
"unsa may ato Ley" sabat niya.
kini among sugod pag-inilisay
ug storya matag adlaw
sa matag buntag
sa pagpangumpra

ako nang giandam ang mga pinili
nga isda, manok, utanon ug ang mga lamas
ug si nang Susan, dali-dali na niya pag timbang niini
ug gi-kwenta tagpila matag usa.
samtang ang uban nga gahuwat sa linya
ga tabi bahin sa unsa-unsa.

ako na gingbitbit akong kinumpra.
gibaktas gikan merkado balik ila lola
ug kaming duha
nagsugad ug hikay
para sa among pangsud-an
sa pani-udto ug sa panihapon
karong adlawa.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

bjork: an echo a stain



she touched
my arm
and smiled
one of these days soon : very soon
love you til then
love you til then
feel my breath
on your neck
your heart will race
don't say no to me
you can't say no to me
i won't see you
denied
i'm sorry you saw that
i'm sorry he did it
an echo
a stain...
a s t a i n . . .
i can't say no to you
say nothing

free falling

complete
...
photo of me and julio
2006
stiched, b/w, se w8001

Thursday, November 15, 2007

define struggle

I promise myself that I will not depend again. I was 13 and since then I have the taste of what independence is.

my father was a supervisor of a construction company in UAE and at the same time a contributor on a company based publications as an editorial writer. 10 years ago, he lost his job, never came back abroad. his money in the bank all vanished and our house and lot sold. and it is his birthday now. happy birthday pop =)

since then I struggled to keep myself from being out of school. I took scholarship to have tuition free. I also took my chances on applying for stipend and living allowances in the city. I rather do something about my situation other than whine in the corner and curse my fate. I was a thirteen year old who just realized how it is to make a living. if other student wake up in the morning and worry about their uniform unpressed; I worry about my fare, I worry about what should I have for lunch, my requirements unpurchased and how to balance my school dues. and this goes on day after day after day. I experienced washing dishes to have lunch. walk a mile with head down looking for a five-peso coin for jeepney fare. been through a lot of temporal jobs to tide me by and deal with various people that could either make me or break me. through it all, I didn't complain. I feel like a hello kitty stuffed toy, with eyes wide open but mouthless. I just can't complain. that's why if somebody rant about how their life sucks, I wanna stitched their mouth shut since their issues are nothin compared to what I had had.

so I struggle. I always have this banner in my head that says "this will make me stronger.. this will make me stronger.." like a mantra to mute my inner soul not to go through enmity. the heck of it! and for chrissake, when all these struggles last?

recently I came across with this message in my mailbox.


empowered/inspired, my heart beats so fast to the extent I got palpitation. so instead of going straight to sleep from a graveyard shift I went from downtown to midtown to process all the forms needed to pursue my dream.. to chase those dreams. I need to process my passport as a ticket to explore the world, to experience life less ordinary and better yet, move towards greener pasture. but my hopes begin to wane as I realized, most of the necessary supporting documents are lost due to the fact that my wallet was gone. in my wallet I have my IDs, my NBI clearance and my half-month worth of payroll. pang! so its like back to scratches.

I don’t know if I need to search for reasons why.. I don't know if I have the right to blame god or whoever have the bigger picture of my fate, but I still don’t understand why it's happening to me. am I not good enough? am I not generous enough? before my wallet was lost, I send money for my brother's allowance. if I knew if all that was left will be lost, then I should have send all to my family so they could benefit from it. im back from being a penniless vagabond, a wandering hobo. and my dreams are like faded away, it slipped out from my fingers like smoke. and again, I feel like a hello kitty stuffed toy, with eyes wide open but mouthless. I just can't complain.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

kurbada

adunay usa ka kurbada
diha nahimutang sa kilid
sa pangpang sa Boljoon
na ang bus nga akong gisakyan
mo hagurot ug liko niining dalana.

ambot kong ngano

o unsa ba
nga ang akong dughan mo hubag
sa dihang inigliko
sa ining kurbada bisan sauna pa..

panan-aw sa daku nga dagat

nga gilamdagan sa langit,
ang lungsod nga nagpasilong sa
mga kahoy acacia,
ug ang mga gagmayng baroto nga nag ankla sa daplin sa baybayon
ang mo surpresa sa inig dayon liko niining dalana.

ug uban pa niana

didto sad dapit diin nahitabo ang
usa ka kasinatian nga perting kurata.
kadtong niaaging sabado,
fiesta sa tanang barrio.

upat na ka kaha sa redhorse

ang nikulob atong gabhiona
ako uban sa akong mga kaila
ga-maya unahan sa baylihan
nga gimpang langyawan
sa mga laing-laing dayo.

usa kanila kay usa ka consehal

sa laing bahin sa sugbo.
usa siya sa mga suod nga amigo sa akong "ex" sauna
nga wala ko nagdahum na magkita mi balik
human sa hagbay
na panahon nga walay panagtagbo.

didto sa lingkuranan

nga hinimo sa kawayan, nag-abot
among dughan nga among
gimpang koralan sa kadto pang kami pa
sa akong uyab sauna.
akong gimpangyamyam unsa ko ka boang
adtong panahona, nga ngano akong gisugot adtong
usa kaysa nilihok kog pagpanguyab kaniya.

sa mga matang ug pagbati

na walay pulong na mailitok kaniya
ako nalang siyang gigakos
ug gilubong akong nawong sa iyang abaga

buntag damlag,

ang redhorse nga nilibot sa among sistema nahupas
ug ang naandan nga pangisip
napatigbabaw na.
daw wala lay nahitabo kagabii kay ang among
pagtinagdanay daw sama ra sa magkaila.
nanakay nami sa iyang awto
sa frontseat nilingkod ko.
pila ra kadangaw among kalayon
pero daw dunay dili makita nga paril
ang nag ali sa among duha.

ug didto nilabay mi sa usa ka kurbada

diha nahimutang sa kilid
sa pangpang sa Boljoon
diin nangadagsa ang mga
matang ug pagbati
na dili na gyud tawn
makaplagan.

Friday, November 09, 2007

embering

this year is quite calm. it's as calm as i welcome the first sunrise of 2007 in Panglao. it seems that everything just settled down into places..

Vera and i reconciled from being separated from sourly silence sometime late summer. so with russ. although we might tried to ignore the fact that we had misunderstandings in the past but it "happened" and it was resolved. chai had this "shining moments" in the metropolitan that Manila keep her from us. then lately Yen was assigned in Dumaguete but we crossed waters to be with her.. the need for each other among the five of us is adherent as two opposing poles of a magnet. so we always end up together, interconnected.

Julio and I are just fine, we have cat fights every now and then but we end up crazy for each other. my sexual conquest have gone slow paced since im quite contented with the one im constantly with and how he manage my hormones. we're turning 1 year and a half this coming December.

my work became so familiar yet a pain in the ass that it stir the hell out of me specially a customer complain about a tax discrepancy on her Federal Form. my colleagues are quite cool, and they're fun to be with but there are times that my voice fade out when i start talking about art. my company crush who once an inspiration become a stabbing pain in the heart every time i got weird moments with him who happen to be a darn straight guy.


my family in Bantayan are ok, and it is inevitable that i need to sacrifice some things for my family specially with my younger brothers. the mere idea of doing some things for your loved ones is quite an accomplishment. i dream of having reunion in a soon to be rest house by the beach with my folks someday.


i've traveled some unknown territories, finished several books that will always leave me swooning. movies and theater plays that will always be recalled. find comfort with strangers. the relentless craving to be with my own shadow and find my existence.. i'm filled with unbearable lightness for my cup of memories.


i'm always be grateful and can't help but smile for being so damn lucky.

..there comes sunday then monday, then it will be not sooner when December will end. a forgotten author carved a line on my mind: embering comes from the experiences you fed into ur fiery days and recollecting all that was consumed by our fading memories. October, November, December.. a season that will turn everything into ember. but i know, beyond this realm of tranquility, embers will not yet turn into ashes, instead, it will turn gradually ---into flames.

ngano uroy'

berano, panahon sa ting kuwaresma
alas sinko padung kilumkilum
lima sa akong mga amigo
nagtigum sa baybayon


duha nila nanugat ug tuloy
sa kitang nga bag-o ra nidagsa
sa pagpanagat didto sa lawod
ug ang laing duha nag haling sa bagul ug bunot
aron sa pag panugba


sa laing bahin, ako, gahiwa sa lamas.
sibuyas, kamatis ug ahos gi pino sa tadtaran
samtang usa sa akong higala
ga kudkud sa lubi para gata
sa umaabot na pangkilaw


sa dayon nakug human ug hiwa
mao sad iyang paghuman ug kudkud.
ako siyang gitabangan sa pag puga sa sapal
ug ang puti nga duga nidaguyduy
sa among gakumkum nga mga kamot


nangabot na ang uban namo nga mga higala
nagsugod na sa pagsugba, ug gi prepara na ang kinilaw.
"sugdan na ang tagay!" ..sa dihang baso sa tuba gipasa-pasa
kaming duha nag-tupad ug iya nang gikuskus ang gitara


kami wlay hunong sa pag kanta ug pagyawyaw
hangtud nagpasilong nalang ang adlaw sa kapanaw-punawan
murag daghan na among nainom da'
kay ang gitarista nitutuk naman naku ug dayon sa pag-ingon:
"namuwa mana imong mga aping ug ang imong ngabil
daw rosas nga nindut ingkiton.."


ug ako nahibong sa iyang mga panugilon
wala ko kasabot ngano akong dalunggan ni kalit ug tagling
tungod ba kini sa tuba o
tungod kini sa iyang ginatago nga katuyoan
ako wala ni tingug ug nagpabiling nagpahiyum


apan dili sa kadugayan, nituyok na akong kalibutan
akong tiil daw dili na akong tiil
akong pananaw ug panghunahuna nangalagpot
way pagduhaduha, ako: usa na ka hubog sa baybayon


maayo nalang ginsalbar ko sa akong amigo nga gitarista
kay gi alsa ko niya sa usa ka payag

diin iya kong gipahimutang.
way sama iyang pag atiman niya kanako
ug akong dughan nitiurok sa iyang mga kamot nga nag-alagad,
ug sa iyang mga ngabil nga ni halok sa akoa.


daghan pa siyang gimpangyamyam
ug uban pang ginabuhat nga wala naku damha;
apan akong mga dalunggan

ug mga mata nangapalong ra
sa tungatunga sa kagabhion.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

rest well chai..

a lone glimmer in the dusk

walking under a cloudless sky at 4am. chilly wind coming from north eastern continents, it's getting colder as December about to blow winter wind. i should have sipped a warm cup of tea instead of mocha freeze in the pantry. have this mild shiver as i hear dried fallen twigs break underneath my soles, I keep on walking until such a distance where the sky posed naked from city towers.

i find myself transfixed with this scene. a sparkling star gazing at the moon. its about daybreak so most of the stars might have shut themselves to sleep and yet this one, might have been Venus, still sparkling as if trying to grab the attention from the moon. i stood for few minutes to absorb the scene. my eyes, my body keep still, yet my heart beats for this astronomical phenomena. might have the goddess of the celestial plane gave favor for this star to be located in congruent with the moon once in thousand lightyears and yet be cursed with the unbearable torture of seeing the moon from a distance since there will be no chance that they collide with eachother. my heart beats for the star that keep on gazing towards the moon---for eternity. did the star realize that she is a star, a luminous ball of plasma, a domineering object across the galaxy--- a star of the universe. yet she feel brittle and awestruck from the borrowed light of the moon.

i hate to realize that i always see myself as the star. as i always failed to grasp my total value. i failed to realize that i'm always be a star that could keep on shining throughout the darkest hour. yet as Yvaine, the falling star character in Stardust, said that star can't shine as it should be if it has a broken heart.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

what his response would be?

whose my first mistake?
i can answer that in 5 letters
the name that batter my liquid heart
into a scrambled whack

then i will tell you what transpired that day


let's flashback 4 years ago
February 5, 2003
UP water fountain.
it's the time ***** would like to confront me
with the parchment that i put on his bag
while he's researching inside the library

4 years ago.
4 years of wondering
of what ifs and of sudden twist of fate,
unending puzzle that leads to constant questioning:
what could have been?

February 5.
an independence
of bottled emotion,
as hard and as difficult
as holding an erection
and intermittent frustration over things beyond
comprehension

water fountain.
thirsty of knowing what he also felt for me
my stomach lurched of acid curiosity
he's coming towards me,
but i tilt my head to tame my questioning lips
with cold running water

he would like to confront me.
but i turn my back with fear
and he mistook it for rejection
when i lean back
i saw him running farther
farther away from me

a parchment that i put in his bag
a two paged letter containing my farewell,
an immature confession of a bottled affection
blurting out three silly words
with a coward goodbye for a closure.
thinking that it is my final leap to a new found discovery:
that i love him, but retiring with the notion that
he's damned straight---and i'm definitely not.

researching inside the library
he might be still trying to understand
what i meant for all the craziness i've been.
naive: i find love confusing,
and no knowledge of expressing it
my coded love beat might have been too gibberish
for him to decode 4 years and counting
and forever leave me wondering:

what he's response would be?

Friday, November 02, 2007

of ashes and bones..


my recollection about "kalag-kalag" (commemoration of all the faithful departed in our local dialect ) always been a picture of our clan gathering in cempark. my grand lola, uncle and aunties, then my cousins.. it is sort of reunion together with the belief of spending some time with our departed love ones. me and my brothers usually gather candle wax then boil it in a cap of cola then put a sacrificial ant on it. it will blaze itself and crrrssh! we call it "santilmo". lately, we haven't done that since most of our relatives either migrated somewhere or we just simply visit the cemetery on our own. we never had the chance to meet up since we simply bring flowers, lit some candles and then--in my case, mutter a prayer that usually end up talking to my aunt. she's one of closest auntie. and i grew up knowing she's beautiful and brilliant. but she died at early age due to cancer and undeniably, of broken heart.


lately i passed by three cemeteries. Olango, Sta. Fe and Danao.

...............

chai, russ and i pass through mounds of sea sands at one of the site in Olango cemetery. its like anthills, it just that it has wooden cross (engraved on it is the name of the departed, date of birth and death) thrust into the end of the mound. it's my first time to see a sort of landscape full of mini hills where dead are buried. one of the mounds, the three of us noticed that some of bone fragments can be visibly observed on the convex. i don't know if it gives justice to the dead but for me i like to see how the bone turned chalky white as it has been washed by the rain, bleached by the sun then breath on sea breeze. as Russ and I somehow agree, that these dead people are definitely lucky, being buried near the seashore, where their soul will always be cradled by the undying lullaby of the sea..

.......................

during my visit in my hometown last month, i smile seeing rows of yellow bells shrubs , as the truck passed by along the sta.fe-bantayan highway. sweet scent and the fresh morning dew blow on my face as we speed on. although its not related but i found myself humming "tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree, its been three long years, do u still want me.." then all of the sudden the yellow bells are nowhere to be seen.. it replaced by mango trees, coconut palms then some bougainvilleas. hoping to see another row of yellow bells but instead i saw an open cemetery. i noticed that it has no gate or whatsoever boundary that enclosed the graveyard form the street. its so open and so inviting---it cringe the hell out of me!

.......................

last night, i manage to be with Julio and visit his departed father in Danao cemetery. last year, he spent his "all soul's day" with me, when we went to cempark. so now we're even. i carry the flower that he arranged for his father while he brought the metallic painted candles, customized capiz tea lights and river stones that we're going to use to adorn their ancestral tomb. i failed to go back to Cebu city where i suppose to be on duty, i'm just damn tired to do so. my absence on the floor will make my premium and double pay on that night vanish like a wisp of smoke. but again, im too tired to care for that.

the moment we arrived at Julio's ancestral tomb, we arranged the flower, the river stones and the candles. once everything are put into place we just smile to each other, then he knock on his father's lapida (as to give reverence) and he said:

"Pa, naa akong uyab.."

......................

If time shows unkind to me, and if i shall outlive my significant other in the future. i will carry the urn of my beloved and walk towards the untainted part of a river. I will scatter some of the ashes on the flowing water and let the current carry his ashes through the sea and unto the ocean. thinking, that the sun will gather some of his remains into a cloud and when it rains---i will dance and be soaked by his presence...

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

trick or treat?!



a child neighbor of Julio's that he made a photoshoot with.. i forget the name of this little girl. Julio narrated how she enthusiastically cooperated with him on her photoshoots. im amused on how she posed through the camphone's lense. i wonder what she have on her mind. did she think about this as fun or did she naively follow on what Julio directed him and follow her own impulse?



taken last march 31st this year in Julio's room. he let me wear his revamped couture suit that he used on their JS prom. it's sometime in the evening, around 8 o'clock, bored, struck by a sudden foolishness.


Tuesday, October 30, 2007

bisti






"resulta kini sa tanduay"
matud ko sa akong mga higala
sa ilang nakita ang akong hinimo na bisti
nga gi-adornahan ug chiffon
ug kurtina sa akong lola

wala lang sila kaybalo nga
katulo ko nadusdikan sang dagum
sa pagdali-dali sa pagtahi ganina.
nag aguroy samtang dali pagsupsup sa natusok nga tudlo
dayon balik sa pag-gama sa akong tiwasonon nga bisti.

karon, nipaso tawn ang maya
sul-ob sa iyang bisti
nga gi-adornahan ug chiffon
ug kurtina sa iyang lola.

Monday, October 29, 2007

the ongoing search for madness and beauty

Cebu is undeniably one of the melting pot for the arts. it's like little "Paris" (only stripped off with dazzling city lights and grandeur) but nonetheless, Cebu reaches its hands to different form of art. May it be fine arts, performance arts, literary, visual (e.g. film, etc) music, architecture and designing. there are some cebuano extraordinaire who already carved their name in the international scene. Let say for furniture: there's Kenneth Cobonpue . For music: Amapola Cabase, then Lakambini A. Sitoy for literary..and many unstrung Cebuano morale up lifters.

last Saturday, im quite lucky to witness a fashion designing competition, CYDC (Cebu Young Designers Competition). Chai and i happen to have a common friend, Harvey Cenit, who made it to the final seven (out of the 30 something that was eliminated, *am not sure..) and gave us an almost front row seat. dressed in self-made victorian inspired (chiffon ruffles) suit, the atmosphere and the people around made our entrance kinda dramatic (as chai also clad into her black mini backless dress, with intricate beadwork---elegant..) . and im quite caught off guard when an anonymous crush, who wore a
*celio black/gray stripe sweatshirt, look straight at me in the sea of strangers (ala Baz Luhrman's Romeo and juliet scene) duh, lets not talk about that.

to name a few,
Monique Lhuillier , Jun escario , and Carrie Santiago have paraded their works both on local and international catwalks, these artists gone through stages, reaching their goals step by step--- sweat by sweat. these exceptional people in the field of fashion, also started as a young dreamer---once; with a fuel of hardwork and a whole pot of talent, they're brewing something that keeps the industry awaken.

now, one of our national organization (e.g. PAGCOR), see the potential of Cebu as one of the centre for fashion industry aside from the metropolitan. thus giving birth for CYDC. to continue the line up of promising Cebuano designers on the high wire world of fashion---exposing them gradually to the demanding global market. that day was CYDC's third year, three years of giving recognition for young designer aspirants. Unfortunately our dear friend didn't bag the grand award. it went to Lord Maturan whose works are fusion of classic filipiƱana and the modern romantic rock culture that is very visible to the "x generation", hence making a step forward in Filipino fashion without losing its identity. quite impressive.


this event will surely create a ripple for the ongoing search for madness and beauty. to the organizers, esteemed judges, and the participants of this event--- saludo ko..

pedaling through melancholic shores


bantayan seascape..

CVRY,

i wish i could carry the four of you in my basket, as i pedal though melancholic shores---listening to Cynthia Alexander's knowing there's only now, motorbykle then Bjork's Harm of will..

i miss you all big time.

home, atlast..


Saturday, October 27, 2007

i declare cold war

unite all your wisp around
let them gather wood and stones
let them build you a magical fortress.

position your archers and canoneers
to guard you on air and on land

train all your warriors
let them learn all the tactics
from the ancient lore

and when you're ready
just wave a red flag on the
grimly cloud

then i'll rush
like a snow queen
pulled by an herd of polar bears

instead of arrows,
axes and canon balls
i'll blew cold air toward your stronghold
i don't demand blood from your people
i want to see them suffer internally
may their veins constrict
and their heart fail to beat due to hypothermia

i'll sing melancholic songs
and let their eyes welled up with tears
i want to hear them wailing,
murmuring their vespers 'til the crack of dawn
shrouding their faces with grief

i'll let your kingdom coated with calamity
unless you break this curse that you bestowed upon me
unless you thaw my heart from being frozen
and by then, i'll melt for you and for your people

i'll raise my arm and be with thee
since i subsist on your embrace
and by then, i'll shine with fulfillment

but for now, you still don't show forgiveness
you didn't cease pouring November rain
my lungs are mourning,
and my heart drowned in despair.

for that,
i declare cold war.

sa ikapito nga adlaw

hinumdumi,
dili ko mutingug
itak-um naku kini akong mga ngabil
ug dili musampit sa imong ngalan,
antoson ko ang kamingaw
antoson ko ang kasubo.

imong gilubag kining dughan ko
niawas na ang kinalasang tulo sa akong pasensya
ug ang akong pangamuyo: nahubsan.

mga liso sa pagbati akung ginsabwag
apan imo ra kining gilusak
daw mga kuyamad nga imong gi-irok sa akong alimpulo

tungod niana,
ako nagminghoy ug nagkumkum
sa akong mga kamot sa kalagot

apan wala nakuy kusog aron
sa pagpahungaw sa akong kasapot
nagpabiling luspad ug walay kinabuhi ning kahimtang ko.

sa ikapito pa nga adlaw
pa tika damhon
pito pa kaadlaw sa pagkakaron
magsige na ang panagbangig
gusto tikang rakrakan sa akong mga aligotgot
aron masinati nimo akong kahiubos
aron masayud ka sa akong mga dangoyngoy
ug aron masakitan ka sakong kasakit

sa ikapito nga adlaw
iingon ko,
sa ika pito pa nga adlaw
tika damhon

Thursday, October 25, 2007

unsealed

lips quivering
it aches
it searches
throbbing with pain
it seeks for his name
like a remedy, from
a merciful apothecary
i pray with a silent scream.
parched,
cracked with tears
words unable to come out
as it remain whispery
behind my tonsils.

where is he
he who wet my lips
sucking every emptiness
that wallows inside my mouth
that echoes through, the
cave like chamber of my heart.

lips quivering,
it aches
it searches
throbbing with pain
it seeks for his name..
trembling as i yearn
for the stroke of his hand
as it trace
the contour of this
lips of mine

where is he
he who once searched
my name
he who once locked his lips
with mine.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

looking through a bus window

it took me years to let things saturate its meaning until i could write them.. as a lame yet a sensible excuse one say: "live life then write about it later"

recently i've been through aimless soul searching. going from one place to another. keeping my feet on the go--all the time. i'm quite amused how many bus and ship tickets i got stuck on my pocket. while on my earphones (volta,medulla, and vespertine) series of images rushing through my window: landscapes, old houses, a mother doing her laundry by the river with her child, glaring sun by the beach, road signs...

these images keep on rushing through my window as they blur away from the speeding bus. as if a wisp of smoke fade out as strong wind struck it existence. my eyes, void of recognition, looking yet my mind were off somewhere, a complete blank stare. random thoughts keep on swimming. lurking thoughts from the past, lurking within one of the vast chamber in my mind.


.......................................................................

February 29, 2004. on the last leap year. thinking it will be another 4 years to have 29th on the month of February, i went to Mactan Old bridge. it was a moonless night. i brought with me a bank book that contains all the transactions that my Father (working overseas months ago by then) transmit each time he send money from working abroad. it caused alot of house fights between my Mama and Papa, since my father always question where goes all the money that he send every month. If Mama could speak back and not just cried, she could explain that most of his earnings went to the newly constructed house that we had had, to my older brother's tuition fees and vanities, to our meager meal from day to day, and all the usual family expenses. Mama don't smoke, drink nor gamble. Most specially, she don't have any younger boyfriend. so there is no wasted centavo on that red bank book.

walking towards the middle of the bridge, i clutch it with me, then i torn it into pieces and scatter them from the top of the bridge into the sea. i could still remember how the pieces flutter into the air then fall down into the pitch black sea. they look like white butterflies flapping gently, only to be washed by murky waters. i smile as i see the bank book vanish on the night of that leap year..


******************************

i'm bound towards manila for a "christian fellowship" and i need a plane ticket. i don't know if im still spiritually crazy by that time---but i was convinced, and did attend the gathering of Christian delegates around the world in ULTRA. i was in my late teens by then: ambitious, a great optimist and a constant believer that the whole world will conspire for the fulfillment of my purpose. i look for sponsors for my trip---excited, and i am confident that my acquaintance will support me since this is "the will of god". rummaging through the pages of my "prospective" list of sponsors, i did my first knock to my close friend's father (who happen to be the manager of our local airport) and elated that he provided a plane ticket the very next day, not just one way but a round trip ticket. and that was my very first plane ticket and my first time to be on top of the cloud. that was really cool.

and now, im no longer among the throngs of followers who keeps on attending sunday service. i'm still a believer and have my own way to give praise and worship God. so please don't dare ask me to "repent" if i don't live according to the scriptures. i've been riding airplane across the nation but planning and hoping the next landing would be in a foreign land. my ambitions are no longer of sheer destiny but of hard work and opportunity. one thing that never changed though is that i still keep on dreaming.

*********************************

just done with my umpteenth lap in the pool, i went directly to the shower room after an hour of swimming. its 7pm, two hours before the pool closes. noticing my figure on the big mirror tells me that im in good shape. i remember a line in oscar wilde's "the picture of Dorian Gray" that the peak of human beauty is in his/her 20. hmn, i'm exactly in that age by that time. youthful glow running through my veins. as i came out from the shower room, i saw this guy keep on looking at me. finding myself wearing only a swimming trunk, i hurriedly took my clothes and change. i don't know why, but our paths keep on crossing each other that night. until in some weird way, he say "hi" to me. i asked him why he keeps on sitting on the bleacher and did not swim, for some weird reason, he told me that he wait for his girl friend whose working in the pool as a swimming instructor. "ah ok.." i said in an indifferent tone. one moment leads to another. we change numbers and we meet again. that time he took me to a park on top of the mountain: mountain view. we sort of date. getting to know you moment. as we climb uphill, we went through a narrow pathway that leads to the cliff of the mountain wherein cottages are set far away from each other. it's totally dim, the only light source that the place have came from the canopy of stars above and the glittering city lights below us. it was sinfully romantic. i feel like sixteen again.

running out of stories to tell, we kept silent. we gaze at the city from afar, muted from chaotic sounds, yet palpitating with cosmic life. wordless emotion swirl within me so somehow i express it through massage. stroke by stroke it communicate with unspoken desire and fear. i like him but he is "sort of" committed to his "girlfriend". an iota of anticipation yet submerged in the sea of confusion. he is sort of "undecided" type of person. physically, he's quite tall, around half foot taller than me. im rubbing his back as he kept on looking at the cityscape. all of the sudden he grasp my hand and pull me into a hungry kiss. we make love by the cliff. my world literally went upside down as he lay me down on the picnic table, entered me lightly to the core, and had a synchronized trance.

that was two years ago, and he remain irretrievable on my deleted files in my phonebook
.....................................................................

awaken from daydreaming, all these sepia colored memories turn off in a sudden halt. snap! the bus driver step on the break pedal and the door slide open. i clutch on my porter shoulder bag and make my way towards the harbor, where a ship anchored waiting for us to leave Hagnaya and take us to northern island, my hometown: Bantayan.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

atabay

sud'onga akong atabay..
sa dihang imo nang gi andam imong timba.
ni langog ang wisik sa pisi
sa gilumot kong paril
ang pisi nga ni konektar sa imong kamot
sa imong kamot diin nanurok ang mga ugat
nga nangalingsing
gikan sa imong kasing-kasing.

ako : natarug
sa imong kusog
maingon man sa imong pagkatawo.
himaya akong gibati sa
samang pagtuslob sa timba
ngadto sa akong walay-timik na tubig

labina dihang imong gibusdak kini
kay gusto mo mang masudlan
ug daghang tubig imong timba

plak, plak, togsh..

ang timba ni tuslob sa kinalawman
sa akong atabay
ni salum sa kinalawman ug
ni tiurok sa akong kangitngit

gasidlak nga mga putli na bula
nag-alirong sa nag-alimpoo nga tubig
daw sama sa bula sa balud
nga nag apas-apas sa (water surface)ibabaw sa dagat
hangtud makabot ang ganghaan sa baybayon

ang imong timba nakapabuhi
sa akong gaminghoy na kalag
nakapapukaw
sa akong walay katapusang pagdamgo---
sa mga matang na walay kamatuoran.

ug sa dihang imo nang napuno ang imong
gaawas-awas na timba
imo na kining gi-bira
ug nya ging-kabot.

ang singot sa imong agtang
ni dagayday sa imong bugdo na dughan,
sa imong dughan nga susama sa kawalogan
nipadayon ug dagayday sa imong kalibonan---
hangtud sa imong langub.

tamis na pagbati akong nasinati
sa imo na kong gitutokan sa akong mga mata
human sa pag-tuman
sa atong katuyoan dinhi sa yuta.

Friday, October 19, 2007

defy gravity

random madness hit me again. opt for adrenaline rush, i went on top of the i2 building. reach the last floor---the roof deck. set the elevator buttons to "G" (ground floor) and the pulley start rolling and set the whole framed platform *3.6km/hr speed down to the ground. like a spawning salmon swims against the current during spring time, i do this ballerina twirling hops, continuously making rounds as i float into mid air.

Nauseated I step out of the elevator, walk through the lobby---woobling. I tried to keep my balance and walk normally as sheer euphoria rises to my ears.

in split second: i defy gravity. yeeeah!

*need physicist approval

defy gravity (the video)

the video.. however, it should be saved in a portrait format instead of landscape. and it is quite unclear. pardon video critics. i might edit this video soon. so here's the madness..

constant variable

defined.

constant variable.

mutiples..
variables..

you're my constant variable.
with you
everything make sense again

you are my constant variable.
no matter how shattered i am
-frustrated with liaisons
and prospective hook ups.
crumbling with broken heart,
you're the one who keeps me up

you're my constant variable.
i'm not a perfect number
in terms of staying faithful with
i got extra decimals that you might not comprehend
but u stay as it is. consistent.
u combine with me your electrons
keep me safe within your nucleus.
now, both you and i
become a single element

you are my constant variable.
childish and confused
my naiveness makes me fumble.
a strife---
i blabber how it is
to climb up and tumble.

you're always there
you bring back the pieces
you make me whole.

you're my constant variable

what is your symbol?




we got more or less an hour of avail time since there are some newbies in our account. its all for the preparation for the tax form season by the end of this year (which i doubt if im still around at that moment..) call volume will rise to its peak during those times when accountants in the U.S. bombard us with tax discrepancies and troubleshooting payroll forms. got this msPaint work on my desktop as i try to keep myself from getting bored. aside from swirls i love doing this icon which i incorporate "eye" into a "sun" (which looks like an octopus in the eye of other audience, which i persist that its a sun, ok? :) ) i already done a lot of version of it. and this time i use cool hues instead of warm. i consider this icon as a symbol for awakening.

digging through the ideas that might support my symbol, i came up with these findings: in ancient Egypt, the famous eye of Horus which confers wisdom, health and prosperity.. and at the same time renewal. in Japan the sun goddess Amaterasu was somehow correlated with the red disc in Japanese flag, and the solar deity play great importance on bringing back peace, warmth and compassion for those who worshipped her.

i always use this symbol as an attachment artwork or alternative for postscript when snail mail was still not out of date. i also use it as a signature or a marking for good riddance.

here's a link of my previous works:

http://hotmug.blogspot.com/2005_10_01_archive.html

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