Wednesday, October 31, 2007

trick or treat?!

a child neighbor of Julio's that he made a photoshoot with.. i forget the name of this little girl. Julio narrated how she enthusiastically cooperated with him on her photoshoots. im amused on how she posed through the camphone's lense. i wonder what she have on her mind. did she think about this as fun or did she naively follow on what Julio directed him and follow her own impulse?

taken last march 31st this year in Julio's room. he let me wear his revamped couture suit that he used on their JS prom. it's sometime in the evening, around 8 o'clock, bored, struck by a sudden foolishness.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007


"resulta kini sa tanduay"
matud ko sa akong mga higala
sa ilang nakita ang akong hinimo na bisti
nga gi-adornahan ug chiffon
ug kurtina sa akong lola

wala lang sila kaybalo nga
katulo ko nadusdikan sang dagum
sa pagdali-dali sa pagtahi ganina.
nag aguroy samtang dali pagsupsup sa natusok nga tudlo
dayon balik sa pag-gama sa akong tiwasonon nga bisti.

karon, nipaso tawn ang maya
sul-ob sa iyang bisti
nga gi-adornahan ug chiffon
ug kurtina sa iyang lola.

Monday, October 29, 2007

the ongoing search for madness and beauty

Cebu is undeniably one of the melting pot for the arts. it's like little "Paris" (only stripped off with dazzling city lights and grandeur) but nonetheless, Cebu reaches its hands to different form of art. May it be fine arts, performance arts, literary, visual (e.g. film, etc) music, architecture and designing. there are some cebuano extraordinaire who already carved their name in the international scene. Let say for furniture: there's Kenneth Cobonpue . For music: Amapola Cabase, then Lakambini A. Sitoy for literary..and many unstrung Cebuano morale up lifters.

last Saturday, im quite lucky to witness a fashion designing competition, CYDC (Cebu Young Designers Competition). Chai and i happen to have a common friend, Harvey Cenit, who made it to the final seven (out of the 30 something that was eliminated, *am not sure..) and gave us an almost front row seat. dressed in self-made victorian inspired (chiffon ruffles) suit, the atmosphere and the people around made our entrance kinda dramatic (as chai also clad into her black mini backless dress, with intricate beadwork---elegant..) . and im quite caught off guard when an anonymous crush, who wore a
*celio black/gray stripe sweatshirt, look straight at me in the sea of strangers (ala Baz Luhrman's Romeo and juliet scene) duh, lets not talk about that.

to name a few,
Monique Lhuillier , Jun escario , and Carrie Santiago have paraded their works both on local and international catwalks, these artists gone through stages, reaching their goals step by step--- sweat by sweat. these exceptional people in the field of fashion, also started as a young dreamer---once; with a fuel of hardwork and a whole pot of talent, they're brewing something that keeps the industry awaken.

now, one of our national organization (e.g. PAGCOR), see the potential of Cebu as one of the centre for fashion industry aside from the metropolitan. thus giving birth for CYDC. to continue the line up of promising Cebuano designers on the high wire world of fashion---exposing them gradually to the demanding global market. that day was CYDC's third year, three years of giving recognition for young designer aspirants. Unfortunately our dear friend didn't bag the grand award. it went to Lord Maturan whose works are fusion of classic filipiƱana and the modern romantic rock culture that is very visible to the "x generation", hence making a step forward in Filipino fashion without losing its identity. quite impressive.

this event will surely create a ripple for the ongoing search for madness and beauty. to the organizers, esteemed judges, and the participants of this event--- saludo ko..

pedaling through melancholic shores

bantayan seascape..


i wish i could carry the four of you in my basket, as i pedal though melancholic shores---listening to Cynthia Alexander's knowing there's only now, motorbykle then Bjork's Harm of will..

i miss you all big time.

home, atlast..

Saturday, October 27, 2007

i declare cold war

unite all your wisp around
let them gather wood and stones
let them build you a magical fortress.

position your archers and canoneers
to guard you on air and on land

train all your warriors
let them learn all the tactics
from the ancient lore

and when you're ready
just wave a red flag on the
grimly cloud

then i'll rush
like a snow queen
pulled by an herd of polar bears

instead of arrows,
axes and canon balls
i'll blew cold air toward your stronghold
i don't demand blood from your people
i want to see them suffer internally
may their veins constrict
and their heart fail to beat due to hypothermia

i'll sing melancholic songs
and let their eyes welled up with tears
i want to hear them wailing,
murmuring their vespers 'til the crack of dawn
shrouding their faces with grief

i'll let your kingdom coated with calamity
unless you break this curse that you bestowed upon me
unless you thaw my heart from being frozen
and by then, i'll melt for you and for your people

i'll raise my arm and be with thee
since i subsist on your embrace
and by then, i'll shine with fulfillment

but for now, you still don't show forgiveness
you didn't cease pouring November rain
my lungs are mourning,
and my heart drowned in despair.

for that,
i declare cold war.

sa ikapito nga adlaw

dili ko mutingug
itak-um naku kini akong mga ngabil
ug dili musampit sa imong ngalan,
antoson ko ang kamingaw
antoson ko ang kasubo.

imong gilubag kining dughan ko
niawas na ang kinalasang tulo sa akong pasensya
ug ang akong pangamuyo: nahubsan.

mga liso sa pagbati akung ginsabwag
apan imo ra kining gilusak
daw mga kuyamad nga imong gi-irok sa akong alimpulo

tungod niana,
ako nagminghoy ug nagkumkum
sa akong mga kamot sa kalagot

apan wala nakuy kusog aron
sa pagpahungaw sa akong kasapot
nagpabiling luspad ug walay kinabuhi ning kahimtang ko.

sa ikapito pa nga adlaw
pa tika damhon
pito pa kaadlaw sa pagkakaron
magsige na ang panagbangig
gusto tikang rakrakan sa akong mga aligotgot
aron masinati nimo akong kahiubos
aron masayud ka sa akong mga dangoyngoy
ug aron masakitan ka sakong kasakit

sa ikapito nga adlaw
iingon ko,
sa ika pito pa nga adlaw
tika damhon

Thursday, October 25, 2007


lips quivering
it aches
it searches
throbbing with pain
it seeks for his name
like a remedy, from
a merciful apothecary
i pray with a silent scream.
cracked with tears
words unable to come out
as it remain whispery
behind my tonsils.

where is he
he who wet my lips
sucking every emptiness
that wallows inside my mouth
that echoes through, the
cave like chamber of my heart.

lips quivering,
it aches
it searches
throbbing with pain
it seeks for his name..
trembling as i yearn
for the stroke of his hand
as it trace
the contour of this
lips of mine

where is he
he who once searched
my name
he who once locked his lips
with mine.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

looking through a bus window

it took me years to let things saturate its meaning until i could write them.. as a lame yet a sensible excuse one say: "live life then write about it later"

recently i've been through aimless soul searching. going from one place to another. keeping my feet on the go--all the time. i'm quite amused how many bus and ship tickets i got stuck on my pocket. while on my earphones (volta,medulla, and vespertine) series of images rushing through my window: landscapes, old houses, a mother doing her laundry by the river with her child, glaring sun by the beach, road signs...

these images keep on rushing through my window as they blur away from the speeding bus. as if a wisp of smoke fade out as strong wind struck it existence. my eyes, void of recognition, looking yet my mind were off somewhere, a complete blank stare. random thoughts keep on swimming. lurking thoughts from the past, lurking within one of the vast chamber in my mind.


February 29, 2004. on the last leap year. thinking it will be another 4 years to have 29th on the month of February, i went to Mactan Old bridge. it was a moonless night. i brought with me a bank book that contains all the transactions that my Father (working overseas months ago by then) transmit each time he send money from working abroad. it caused alot of house fights between my Mama and Papa, since my father always question where goes all the money that he send every month. If Mama could speak back and not just cried, she could explain that most of his earnings went to the newly constructed house that we had had, to my older brother's tuition fees and vanities, to our meager meal from day to day, and all the usual family expenses. Mama don't smoke, drink nor gamble. Most specially, she don't have any younger boyfriend. so there is no wasted centavo on that red bank book.

walking towards the middle of the bridge, i clutch it with me, then i torn it into pieces and scatter them from the top of the bridge into the sea. i could still remember how the pieces flutter into the air then fall down into the pitch black sea. they look like white butterflies flapping gently, only to be washed by murky waters. i smile as i see the bank book vanish on the night of that leap year..


i'm bound towards manila for a "christian fellowship" and i need a plane ticket. i don't know if im still spiritually crazy by that time---but i was convinced, and did attend the gathering of Christian delegates around the world in ULTRA. i was in my late teens by then: ambitious, a great optimist and a constant believer that the whole world will conspire for the fulfillment of my purpose. i look for sponsors for my trip---excited, and i am confident that my acquaintance will support me since this is "the will of god". rummaging through the pages of my "prospective" list of sponsors, i did my first knock to my close friend's father (who happen to be the manager of our local airport) and elated that he provided a plane ticket the very next day, not just one way but a round trip ticket. and that was my very first plane ticket and my first time to be on top of the cloud. that was really cool.

and now, im no longer among the throngs of followers who keeps on attending sunday service. i'm still a believer and have my own way to give praise and worship God. so please don't dare ask me to "repent" if i don't live according to the scriptures. i've been riding airplane across the nation but planning and hoping the next landing would be in a foreign land. my ambitions are no longer of sheer destiny but of hard work and opportunity. one thing that never changed though is that i still keep on dreaming.


just done with my umpteenth lap in the pool, i went directly to the shower room after an hour of swimming. its 7pm, two hours before the pool closes. noticing my figure on the big mirror tells me that im in good shape. i remember a line in oscar wilde's "the picture of Dorian Gray" that the peak of human beauty is in his/her 20. hmn, i'm exactly in that age by that time. youthful glow running through my veins. as i came out from the shower room, i saw this guy keep on looking at me. finding myself wearing only a swimming trunk, i hurriedly took my clothes and change. i don't know why, but our paths keep on crossing each other that night. until in some weird way, he say "hi" to me. i asked him why he keeps on sitting on the bleacher and did not swim, for some weird reason, he told me that he wait for his girl friend whose working in the pool as a swimming instructor. "ah ok.." i said in an indifferent tone. one moment leads to another. we change numbers and we meet again. that time he took me to a park on top of the mountain: mountain view. we sort of date. getting to know you moment. as we climb uphill, we went through a narrow pathway that leads to the cliff of the mountain wherein cottages are set far away from each other. it's totally dim, the only light source that the place have came from the canopy of stars above and the glittering city lights below us. it was sinfully romantic. i feel like sixteen again.

running out of stories to tell, we kept silent. we gaze at the city from afar, muted from chaotic sounds, yet palpitating with cosmic life. wordless emotion swirl within me so somehow i express it through massage. stroke by stroke it communicate with unspoken desire and fear. i like him but he is "sort of" committed to his "girlfriend". an iota of anticipation yet submerged in the sea of confusion. he is sort of "undecided" type of person. physically, he's quite tall, around half foot taller than me. im rubbing his back as he kept on looking at the cityscape. all of the sudden he grasp my hand and pull me into a hungry kiss. we make love by the cliff. my world literally went upside down as he lay me down on the picnic table, entered me lightly to the core, and had a synchronized trance.

that was two years ago, and he remain irretrievable on my deleted files in my phonebook

awaken from daydreaming, all these sepia colored memories turn off in a sudden halt. snap! the bus driver step on the break pedal and the door slide open. i clutch on my porter shoulder bag and make my way towards the harbor, where a ship anchored waiting for us to leave Hagnaya and take us to northern island, my hometown: Bantayan.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007


sud'onga akong atabay..
sa dihang imo nang gi andam imong timba.
ni langog ang wisik sa pisi
sa gilumot kong paril
ang pisi nga ni konektar sa imong kamot
sa imong kamot diin nanurok ang mga ugat
nga nangalingsing
gikan sa imong kasing-kasing.

ako : natarug
sa imong kusog
maingon man sa imong pagkatawo.
himaya akong gibati sa
samang pagtuslob sa timba
ngadto sa akong walay-timik na tubig

labina dihang imong gibusdak kini
kay gusto mo mang masudlan
ug daghang tubig imong timba

plak, plak, togsh..

ang timba ni tuslob sa kinalawman
sa akong atabay
ni salum sa kinalawman ug
ni tiurok sa akong kangitngit

gasidlak nga mga putli na bula
nag-alirong sa nag-alimpoo nga tubig
daw sama sa bula sa balud
nga nag apas-apas sa (water surface)ibabaw sa dagat
hangtud makabot ang ganghaan sa baybayon

ang imong timba nakapabuhi
sa akong gaminghoy na kalag
sa akong walay katapusang pagdamgo---
sa mga matang na walay kamatuoran.

ug sa dihang imo nang napuno ang imong
gaawas-awas na timba
imo na kining gi-bira
ug nya ging-kabot.

ang singot sa imong agtang
ni dagayday sa imong bugdo na dughan,
sa imong dughan nga susama sa kawalogan
nipadayon ug dagayday sa imong kalibonan---
hangtud sa imong langub.

tamis na pagbati akong nasinati
sa imo na kong gitutokan sa akong mga mata
human sa pag-tuman
sa atong katuyoan dinhi sa yuta.

Friday, October 19, 2007

defy gravity

random madness hit me again. opt for adrenaline rush, i went on top of the i2 building. reach the last floor---the roof deck. set the elevator buttons to "G" (ground floor) and the pulley start rolling and set the whole framed platform *3.6km/hr speed down to the ground. like a spawning salmon swims against the current during spring time, i do this ballerina twirling hops, continuously making rounds as i float into mid air.

Nauseated I step out of the elevator, walk through the lobby---woobling. I tried to keep my balance and walk normally as sheer euphoria rises to my ears.

in split second: i defy gravity. yeeeah!

*need physicist approval

defy gravity (the video)

the video.. however, it should be saved in a portrait format instead of landscape. and it is quite unclear. pardon video critics. i might edit this video soon. so here's the madness..

constant variable


constant variable.


you're my constant variable.
with you
everything make sense again

you are my constant variable.
no matter how shattered i am
-frustrated with liaisons
and prospective hook ups.
crumbling with broken heart,
you're the one who keeps me up

you're my constant variable.
i'm not a perfect number
in terms of staying faithful with
i got extra decimals that you might not comprehend
but u stay as it is. consistent.
u combine with me your electrons
keep me safe within your nucleus.
now, both you and i
become a single element

you are my constant variable.
childish and confused
my naiveness makes me fumble.
a strife---
i blabber how it is
to climb up and tumble.

you're always there
you bring back the pieces
you make me whole.

you're my constant variable

what is your symbol?

we got more or less an hour of avail time since there are some newbies in our account. its all for the preparation for the tax form season by the end of this year (which i doubt if im still around at that moment..) call volume will rise to its peak during those times when accountants in the U.S. bombard us with tax discrepancies and troubleshooting payroll forms. got this msPaint work on my desktop as i try to keep myself from getting bored. aside from swirls i love doing this icon which i incorporate "eye" into a "sun" (which looks like an octopus in the eye of other audience, which i persist that its a sun, ok? :) ) i already done a lot of version of it. and this time i use cool hues instead of warm. i consider this icon as a symbol for awakening.

digging through the ideas that might support my symbol, i came up with these findings: in ancient Egypt, the famous eye of Horus which confers wisdom, health and prosperity.. and at the same time renewal. in Japan the sun goddess Amaterasu was somehow correlated with the red disc in Japanese flag, and the solar deity play great importance on bringing back peace, warmth and compassion for those who worshipped her.

i always use this symbol as an attachment artwork or alternative for postscript when snail mail was still not out of date. i also use it as a signature or a marking for good riddance.

here's a link of my previous works:

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Monday, October 15, 2007

drifting through Olango

went to the shore one early morning. low tide. i follow the pathway through the mangroves. my body as tense as a cat's tiptoed through muddy sands, believing and expecting to find an open sea. i feel like sir Charles Darwin, having his first step on the Galapagos island. step by step i wade thru shallow water, observing the vast colony of living organisms around as im getting nearer and nearer the boundary that seperates the coast from the mangrove forest. i caught a glimpse of a school of fry, which u could not determine what specie of fish soon they’re going to be, since most of them looks alike when they’re young. however, one of the fry looks quite interesting, it doesn’t have a tail, it has wide fins instead at its sides--making it looks like a swimming minute zeppelin , while observing, it tries to take refuge in a hole, but all of the sudden, an anonymous predator who happen to live in that same hole grab the innocent fry and ate it alive. oh.. as what chai put it: "a food chain is happening in front of your very eyes". sad but its a fact. its a dog eat dog out there.

wishing i had a cam right now. only if i bring with me my charger, then my camera phone could have been fully charged, snapping pictures here and there. so i better save it as mental picture and sketch it when i came back.

on my "sea shore safari" i also caught an attractive sand crab. a huge catfish trapped in shallow water. a mystical ghost shrimp burying on the sand. a couple of angel fish. a teeny weenie sea urchin which i carefully pick and let it dance on my palm. and the most remarkable of all: are the innumerable swaying brittle stars. they look like a congregation of worshippers giving praises to the sacred current. a plethora of sea weeds and corals make their habitat to be more of an intergalactic seascape. such an explosion of colors: engine red, electric blue, saffron, glaring yellows and cascade of greens and intoxicating purple. teem with diverse organisms---Olango could still be surrounded with untainted waters. and for the life of me, i wonder how many other sea creatures that i haven't laid my eyes on yet.

from ankle deep to knee high water, i saw a threatening jelly fish with neon sided tentacles, it drifts its 98% water body composition into the current. plus a view of sea eel posed for an attack cringe me to go back ashore. like an egret flying back to its nest, i went to the wharf and ride towards the cemetery where Miss Bambi's beach house located nearby. i feel the salty air dampen my cheeks, it soaks me with past memories that i had when i was in Bantayan. squint eyed. reminisce. a quantum voltage run through my spine. i guess such acts need to be done once in awhile. to keep me normal. to keep me humble on the brink of uncertainties and let me realize that there are still so much more to bask, to dance and to live with.

i draw a deep sigh.

Friday, October 12, 2007

fuckin' drunk

lights are set dim
as if it was intended
to daze me off.
i see thru the glass
while stream of rum melts the ice down.
pointed finger swivel the brink,
polishing it---until it squeek.

"what are u into lately?"
a blink, a smirk
may the night swallow me whole

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

another one turns me to dust!

another Murakami knocks me down. Sputnik Sweetheart could be one of his pieces that turn me nuts. there's something intangible and surreal about this book that makes me twist and swirl. there are times that i forgot all tasks that i planned for the day, get lost track of time, and unable to grasp what really matters.

i sip thru Sumire's obscurity. the idea of loneliness, alienation and the incapability of expressing oneself to a person that you love provokes me. my mug got streaks with telltale stains, layer by layer they entangle with eachother, glazing on the exterior of the ceramic mug---a wonderful mess i must say.

reading through this makes me ponder , until i evaporate and float in the midst of thin air. as Laika (ang walang ka muwang-muwang na aso), the first orbital casualty, will always stare on the eternal vacuum beyond and transcend to the idea that how, at most times, insignificant human feeling is.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

could anybody sing me a lullaby'

its not usual for me to struggle to sleep.. im always a follower of Amanda Griffin's 8 hour rule. after end of shifts, i usually eat, take shower, and sleep. occasionally, if i got a lot of bothersome thoughts swirling on my head then that's the time i got instances of insomnia and the only remedy for that is to switch on the computer, and type those thoughts and drown them on my screen.

insomnia (characterized as: restlessness, twist and turns in bed, ever wandering soul) usually lasted 2-4 antagonizing hours struggling to sleep. what happened to me earlier is far more than insomnia. far more than trying to sleep. because i couldn't sleep at all. maybe one of the reason is that: earlier, my boyfriend keeps on snuggling as im fetus style underneath my blankets, he: just newly woke up by then and me: still about to sleep from graveyard shift.

but he already left to Danao 3 hours ago and still im awake. "fine..." let me download some already long due pictures while launching youtube at the same time. minutes passing by.. hours.. hours after another.. never a yawn escapes from my jaw. i said: Lord, let me sleep. and quite surprise that my last muttered prayer was ages ago since this desperate yearn to have some sleep.

it will be quite ok if it so happen that its weekend, but hell no, its still friday and i have work this 12 midnight. plus the idea of partying before my shift starts also allures me.

feeling desperate and sort of a loser. i go back to my room and have my 3rd attempt to sleep after nonsense web browsing to a turtle paced internet in our next door cafeteria. thinkin' 5 hours of sleep would be fine for me so i set my alarm on my phone at 7pm. but i got this message from vera:

"you need to wake up! It's Cine Europa. Im already with russ in ayala.."

eyes popping up, instead of going to alarms option, i course thru message option and key in a reply instead.


entering Onstage (Ayala Cebu) i flew a recognizing smile to the art council of Cebu genuine members and request for the Cine Europa list of schedules/synopsis of renowned movies from 17 European countries.. i keep on collecting them since highschool.. here's the shot of my collection on my scrapbook.. this means so much to me and it gives me a certain elation on keeping this annual tradition.

failed to search for vera and russ in the dark balcony, i settled just a seat right beside the center aisle. the first entry i catch up with was a movie from Czech Republic: Kolya.. its a story of a bachelor musician who happen to go through unexpected events in his life that changes the way he sees life in a new different perspective.

vera, russ and i met after the movie, roughly 20mins intervals before the nex movie will be rolled, we chat and munch some goodies, then we see the next scheduled movie.. this time an entry from Germany entitled Summer in Berlin.

russ needs to perform for an exhibit opening in an art gallery in SM (Habwa) where Vera and I luckily catch him do the performance.

vera and i have this once in a bluemoon heart to heart talk again. she gave me a limited edition pin of cine europa w/c she got directly from the art council and i gave her a gift certificate from starbucks w/c i had from having a "wow call" recently in our company. =) all smiles.. then we met a friend who happened to be a professional photographer named Ralph (whose responsible for the shot chai posted on her blogger headings of which i always look with envy.. hehe), then chai also came over. we later proceed to Bo's and we have this interesting discussion about scars, capability to inflict pain, skinny dipping experiences, and art films. some of the films that we discuss about are "
Shortbus", "Cube" and Filipino best films of all times: "Magnifico" and "Oro Plata Mata" ..of which the former is directed by Peque Gallaga (whom i personaly met several years ago and had an autograph/message that he wrote: "try to find the beauty that was lost in the world") .

for the record, its more than 24 hours that im awake since i wrote this. then i'll be awake for another 12 hours for my graveyard shift work that makes me a freaking walking zombie. so far, this will surpass the sleepless in Dumaguete that i had had. Waaah....' i'll be starting counting sheeps right now!

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As Time Goes By