Thursday, November 15, 2007

define struggle

I promise myself that I will not depend again. I was 13 and since then I have the taste of what independence is.

my father was a supervisor of a construction company in UAE and at the same time a contributor on a company based publications as an editorial writer. 10 years ago, he lost his job, never came back abroad. his money in the bank all vanished and our house and lot sold. and it is his birthday now. happy birthday pop =)

since then I struggled to keep myself from being out of school. I took scholarship to have tuition free. I also took my chances on applying for stipend and living allowances in the city. I rather do something about my situation other than whine in the corner and curse my fate. I was a thirteen year old who just realized how it is to make a living. if other student wake up in the morning and worry about their uniform unpressed; I worry about my fare, I worry about what should I have for lunch, my requirements unpurchased and how to balance my school dues. and this goes on day after day after day. I experienced washing dishes to have lunch. walk a mile with head down looking for a five-peso coin for jeepney fare. been through a lot of temporal jobs to tide me by and deal with various people that could either make me or break me. through it all, I didn't complain. I feel like a hello kitty stuffed toy, with eyes wide open but mouthless. I just can't complain. that's why if somebody rant about how their life sucks, I wanna stitched their mouth shut since their issues are nothin compared to what I had had.

so I struggle. I always have this banner in my head that says "this will make me stronger.. this will make me stronger.." like a mantra to mute my inner soul not to go through enmity. the heck of it! and for chrissake, when all these struggles last?

recently I came across with this message in my mailbox.

empowered/inspired, my heart beats so fast to the extent I got palpitation. so instead of going straight to sleep from a graveyard shift I went from downtown to midtown to process all the forms needed to pursue my dream.. to chase those dreams. I need to process my passport as a ticket to explore the world, to experience life less ordinary and better yet, move towards greener pasture. but my hopes begin to wane as I realized, most of the necessary supporting documents are lost due to the fact that my wallet was gone. in my wallet I have my IDs, my NBI clearance and my half-month worth of payroll. pang! so its like back to scratches.

I don’t know if I need to search for reasons why.. I don't know if I have the right to blame god or whoever have the bigger picture of my fate, but I still don’t understand why it's happening to me. am I not good enough? am I not generous enough? before my wallet was lost, I send money for my brother's allowance. if I knew if all that was left will be lost, then I should have send all to my family so they could benefit from it. im back from being a penniless vagabond, a wandering hobo. and my dreams are like faded away, it slipped out from my fingers like smoke. and again, I feel like a hello kitty stuffed toy, with eyes wide open but mouthless. I just can't complain.


john be anonymous said...

wow, parang binatukan mo ako don. I always tend to complain that my life is so difficult without realizing that majority of people is in more deep shit trouble that I am. I am being so insensitive bout the bits of problem that I'm going thru but come to think that many are dying to be in my shoes. Don't worry, God will never give problem to you that you can't take. There's always a purpose for what is happening. Kaya mo yan man. You been there, and nailed it. This time, you are much stronger.

liyo_denorte said...

noted.. =)

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