Monday, December 31, 2007
just had the last glimpse of the last sunset of 2007.. its rays were swallowed by Mt. Kanlaon as Russ and I head towards Siquijor from the port of Dumaguete.
this shot was taken inside Delta's fastcraft. as much as i would like to take the shot outside (which is highly risky and against the vessel policy..) , instead i let the window filter the last rays since the about-to-end-year 2007 is no longer ours.
welcome new year..
welcome new uncertainties..
Saturday, December 29, 2007
I don't know how long I’m lying on my bed.
Since I woke up, I just know that I already miss two meals: breakfast and lunch and maybe I’ll be missing dinner. I feel my stomach void of any hunger or a need to nourish myself. If the walls could speak, they might scream at me to go out and breathe some fresh air. But I don't want to, I just want to lie motionless, reminisce then cry, reminisce again then scan through our pictures: mostly smiling, kissing and cuddling. there are loads of them on my picture file folder. if I could download them on a webpage then I could probably have 10 minutes worth of online slideshow, but as Bjork’s "pagan poetry" lyrics goes: "i’m gonna keep it to myself."
one year and a half of spent time together was surely long. it’s totally strange that during those times I felt that the world is just turning aimlessly on its axis, while I’m floating on a distant orbit. and since we broke up, I feel i’m carrying the world on my shoulders. every life's realities bite and beat the hell out of me.
still lying on my bed, I feel like a larvae. I felt my bones turn into jelly. my mouth taste like metal and my lungs gasping for air. I will not be surprised if I could spit silk any minute and spin myself a cocoon. but no, i’m only covered with blanket and my pillow got overlapping tear stains. it seems that I dug my own grave and lay myself into a casket but failed to realize that i’m already dead.
my mind keep on wandering from one place to another, from one moment to another, countless scenes and a plethora of sensations, but only with one person. or maybe its not my mind that keeps on wandering, it might be my soul keep on searching for my soul mate, and until such time, my soul will not reunite with my body and leave me bed ridden.
Friday, December 28, 2007
after thorough liquidation, here's most of my receipts are coming from:
- paper back novels, movie passes
- travel tickets
- food and beverage bills
- vitamins and healthcare
- clubbing, midnight kicks
- rubbers and lubes
- ml kwarta padala (for my brothers)
- shirts, jeans and undies
- starbucks non-spill mugs (seasonal collector's editions)
- internet fees
- cellphone load
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
i thought i'll spend my xmas eve speaking with the americans. they're the one who coined the concept of xmas anyway, so what's the fuss of deviating from the idea of the filipino tradition of spending xmas at home which always highlighted with a feast on noche buena.
my shift starts by 10:00pm, 2 hours before the xmas eve. 2 hours before i'll surrender 20 years of tradition of spending xmas the "normal way".
it is a 12 midnight crisis.
there are 365.25 days in a year. 52 weeks, and more or less there are 104 weekends. unfortunately, December 24 falls on Monday. tsk.. fine, i'll not be absent. i already have cite form from the HR due to my excessive tardiness.
ok, i'll be present and go to work for xmas. but i'll come in late, as a protest or just for the heck of it. so what am i gonna do? where can i spend my pre-xmas eve hours?
*i am more than a hundred kilometres away from my nuclear family
*i don't have a bf anymore (pang,ouch)
*yen is in bohol, chai in cagayan, vera is on field, while russ will spend it in his sister's place with his family.
*my crush will celebrate their xmas party shortly before their shift starts.
in short, i have nobody i can be with this xmas.. as much as i wanted to be a loser, i don't wanna sit in a bar and get drunk least txt anonymous people and have random company.
im on my own again..
so i hailed a jeepney
do wind riding
see the city pouring with xmas lights
do church hoping
take pictures of this "spur of the moment" images
see children smile
greet random people merry xmas
let mariah and christina shriek as they do their xmas hymns on my headphone.
i have this need for a home.
an immediate home.
a solace from this demanding year ender celebration.
txted vera: asa ka..
giving gifts sa mga pulis ug mga nurses on duty.
I'll be home in 30 minutes.
anha ko inyoha ha.
then she replied: coolness uuu
we waited for xmas eve by eating choco coated peanuts while watching snippets from the movie 'my best friends wedding' and "vanity fair" . listen to various artists from vera's collection while the xmas tree keep on sparkling at our back.
i should be at work now. my shift starts at 10pm and its almost midnight but i let the time pass by. what is two hours late compare to more than 20 years of keeping the tradition of spending xmas with your special ones. i might not be at home with my family but at least i am in the company of Vera's sisters, aunts and cousins. somehow i find peace with them.
1:00am, December 25. i hug vera merry xmas before heading towards work.
there might be some missing elements but at least we overcome the emotional turmoil of this supposedly "happy holiday" and have this inner glow within us. glowing with the hope that someday, we fully grasp what's the true meaning of xmas in our lives
Sunday, December 23, 2007
i was stranded in Bantayan. i'm just 15 minutes late when i see the ship lumber its way to the other side of the port, heading towards Cebu. Leaving me all alone in this island.
Now, i just have to wait till early morning the next day to board for their first trip.
So i have all the time to feel the sands under my toes and savor the moon.
Friday, December 21, 2007
sitting by a cafeteria, i see xmas rush through the misty glass wall:
- a peddler selling animated inflated toys.
- a town kid clutching on his father's polo while bringing a basket, inside a "manok bisaya" popping its head as it seems seeing the city for the first time.
- two old hags holding hands as they approach a younger girl ug nangayog pinaskohan, the girl who happen to wear a grass green layered dress, fish out for her les sportsac purse and hand on the random gift with a smile.
- students both from Banilad Elementary school and Bright Academy bring their wrapped presents for their exchanging gifts.
when travelling, i usually pack things in a hurry, inevitably i forget the small yet important ones:
- mobile charger
- and toothbrush
i broke up with Julio, two days prior to our 18th monthsary, too bad we end up sooner than i expected to be. the reason behind the break up is as sudden as a candle wick burnt out as all the wax has already evaporated. details would be unnecessary.
on my playlist:
- diana krall - autumn leaves
- the carpenters - solitaire, goodbye to love
- alanis morissette - no presuure over capucinno
- all saints - black coffee
- dido - here with me
- damien rice - blower's daughter
- coldplay - the scientist
i usually don't smoke. the only time i crave for a puff would only be when i'm drunk of beer and need to sober up. no offense, but i detest for those who smoke in "non smoking" area and always toying with the idea of smashing the signage on their face. but recently, i'm seeing this guy who happen to consume more or less 1 pack a day.
about three years ago, i'm too late and too drenched to attend a class. instead of going straight to my classroom i keep on walking on the wave pavement and head towards the admin bldg, climb up on the last floor unto an open patio. my bones are shivering but i feel comfort with its emptiness and contented with the sound of the door knob clicked as i lock it behind me. then impulsively i squat down, bury my face on my folded arms and wept. for some weird reasons, i miss doing that.
i find these chores therapeutic:
- cleaning the toilet bowl
- doing the laundry
- mincing garlic and onions
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
she once told her name and I failed to remember, I asked her when she grow up, what she want to become?
most children nowadays would reply: I want to become a doctor, I want to become a nurse, I want to become a lawyer and so on.. as if they really knew that dreams do really come true.
but this child simply smile and shy off from my query. she simply don't know. which is quite normal at her age and I'm quite glad that she's not tainted with stereotyped social roles from neither her immediate family nor mass media. yet..
let a child be a child.
may she grow with the years to come. may she realize that she is in parallel with one of the stars in the universe. That she become what she really want to be and raise the banner of free will.
she then ran away and spend her day playing with her mates. undeniably light hearted with glee.
a child neighbor of julio, whom i befriend with during my stay in their hometown: Danao.
photo taken by julio using his SE camphone
Friday, December 14, 2007
maaghop sa tumoy sa pangpang
tul-id ug namanhud.
gilibutan ako sa bahandi niining karagatan
apan wala masayud ang kahulugan dinhi sa pantalan
sa wala naku damha
nikalit kag butho ug
walay duhaduha ug busdak sa imong ankla
imong gipahimutang imong saag na kalag
sa akong daplin.
sa akong lawak
ug natagbaw sa akong landong
samtang ako nahimoot sa atong paghiuban.
nasusi ko tanan mong kalihokan
sa matag bugsay
sa matag ginhawa
ug sa matag higayon nga imong itabay
ang imong pukot nga mobaling sa akong pagbati
ug katam-is sang dagat,
nga nagtampisaw imong baroto
sa akong tugkaran.
gasiga ning bombilya ko
ga kinang uban sa mga kabitoonan,
ug mosilaw dungan sa bidlisiw.
kung aduna palang koy kamot nga mo kaway
ug tiil nga mo lukso-lukso
mosayaw na unta ko dungan sa huyuhoy
apan wala nalang ko kabantay
nga nibugsay nakag balik didto sa lawod
nga walay panamilit
ug napanaw sa kapanaw-punawan
uban sa akong kalag
ug sa akong dughan
sa walay pananghid
sa katig imong gingbitbit
maaghop sa tumoy sa pangpang
tul-id ug namanhud.
gi susi ko ang tugkaran
diin mitampisaw ang imong baroto
diin ang imong ankla,
dili na motugsaw pa.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
To whom it may concern:
In lieu of my absence in November 30, 2007 shift with a corresponding incident report from a fellow colleague sited me in a bar that night. I would like to cite some details of the bigger picture of what transpired.
It's Friday night and 2 of my close friends (both of them happen to work in day schedules) invited me over for nightlife escapade. Since my schedule would be still at 1:00 am, I didn't hesitate to bond with them. I set my alarm clock at 12:45 midnight and enjoy my remaining time before my shift starts. One of the TOIC of our program did see me and we recognize each other’s presence. It was around 12:30 at that time so I am not alarmed seeing her and I'm still determined to work that night.
But it was a huge mistake for my part that I didn't look after what I’m drinking, I ordered some cocktails but also took some shots offered by a nearby clubbers. I failed to notice how time passed by and was dinged to find out that my phone already had 3 miscalls from my TL and my alarm is long since overdue. I did text my TL if I could still report for duty even if I'm late, but later I realized I’m quite too drunk to work. Thinking that I will surely commit level 3 (according to our company COC) if I still pursue to work, I decided to be absent and settle for a lesser offense.
I'm aware that there will be some exemplary sanctions for this incident and I am very much open to any litigations and required disciplinary actions for my misconduct.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
post midnight and undeniably it is full moon, Chai woke me up and told me: "ikaw na Ley.."
still groggy and light headed, I climb up the stairs that lead to Bambi's room. illuminated with candle light, ms. Bambi simply squat on her mat where her tarot cards lay bare on its red silk wrapping. I was the last person in the queue for her once in awhile tarot reading session " put your hands on the cards and think about your query that you want to ask the cards to tell you"
one claimed that the word "tarot" originates from the Egyptian word "Tar" means royal and "ro" means road, thus Tarot represents as a "royal road" to wisdom. Although it became quite unsure if it really originate from ancient Egypt or in ancient India but one thing for sure is that the first documented deck was painted in fifteenth century Italy.
this would be my first time to experience tarot reading and I’m very much mystified with the belief that at this moment we can gain insight into the current and possible future situations that I will go through. So I put my hands on the cards, which I felt it has a life and consciousness of its own, and whisper in my head the desire of my heart.
Ms. Bambi then instruct me to cut the stack of cards into two then she lay all the cards for me to pick of which she later spread my chosen cards into a Celtic Cross. From then on she unravel each deck's interpretation and how it signifies to my past, present and future situations.
She smiled and declared that my cards are in favor with my fate. It speaks so loud to me that night and very much pleased that I let my query and inner self infused into its divinity. I can still remember clearly the decks that showed up. Out of 9 major decks that I picked I can recall 8.
but then, as a usual twist of a wonderful plot as should be, there are some obstacles that I might encounter and sure enough I will end up with overflowing cup. As miss Bambi assured me, u got the queen of swords; u got what it takes to overcome them all.
while my eyes are still glowing with amazement, I exit out from ms. Bambi's room, went downstairs and slept dreamlessly.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
nilabay ra ko kadali
nya naa man ka,
nikinto nalang ko paglakaw.
ngano maikog man ko nimo
wala man dapat ko ika uwaw
wala man untay nagbabag
sa dalan padung sa CR
ug sa luna na imong gilinkuran
pero kaybaw ko naa kay
mata sa imong aping
ug dili mamilok
feeling naku, mura ra kog nag bahag
ug gision na panapton
kapuya sad aning
ma crush oi
ma-conscious maski gamayng matang
magsakit nalang kini akong puson
apan wala kini padulngan.
maka ihi man sad ta anig ahat'
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
this word comes out in the finals of The National spelling bee in the U.S.. a 5th grader stand up in front of the judges, he clutch his hand to steady himself as he ask probing questions regarding the word.
"Repeat the word please..", "Origin of the word please..", "Usage in the sentence please".. until he finally decided to spell out the given entry. A-R-A-N-E-I-F-O-R-M
he got it right, the whole audience applauded the young contestant as he beam in front of the camera where his image was filtered and broadcast through cable network unto my TV screen.
I know this will happen, as I clutch my hands on my orb web of issues. one snap, and the whole network of burdens will collapse and leave me falling in mid air.
I wonder why this happening to me right now. I'm used to deal with issues of my own. I used to fade my whole self out into my obscured existence. Now, every little thing connects and depends on me. Every reason is clear, as hard as steal and yet could be easily snapped. What if I decided to be completely vanish. What if, like a spider, draw its initial thread to be carried by the wind until it adheres to a formidable surface and migrate at once. As always, a spider will create a new web of its own and settle temporarily for good. That's right, since my current web is not my own, so I cant thread on it as I please to do so. I cannot unravel things that are not created by my own mess.
This is the time to spell araneiform.
Monday, December 03, 2007
I wonder if a dying person does usually cry. one time, in the middle of a theater workshop, our facilitator told us that the act of dying is really hard because you cannot coincide any memory or any stimulus about dying since we haven’t experienced being dead yet. thus, any attempted act of dying will always fall short of the real expression or always be noticeably fake. then he added that dying is in parallel with orgasm. considered to be as the ascension of the soul to an individual vision of heaven (to my imagination, it would be the scenes in: What Dreams May Come, 1998). So the moment should be painfully blissful. Thus the idea of ejaculating behind the scene could be necessary to attain such orgasmic pain of dying. that idea amuses me.
I just can't keep my eyes burst into tears. the overwhelming emotion might have caused this. I guess I have lower level of happy chemicals within me. i'm struck with ripples of sadness. too dark to see it in dark murky water, it could only be counted by how many times my floating blanket cascaded with the surface of the water. the water rises from my ears to my cheeks.. then slowly swallowing my entire face up until to the tip of my nose. I can't breath. like in a dream. sometimes you can't scream as well as we forget to breathe, in our dream.
I drew it on my sketchpad. Dark twigs of dark willow trees. it could be a leafless mangrove tree since its silhouette is reflected by the ink jet water. the moon is always there, emotionless but staring. my body floats in a dark current. my eyes pass though intricate twigs and slim branches with moonbeam piercing through spaces. I surrender myself completely to the water's coarse. it was a dream dated 11/28/2005.
I shiver with a slightest breeze, I hesitate to dip in but the sea is too inviting to resist. I dock into the water level to keep me warm with its placidity, then Chai and I help Ms. Bambi, as she pull the found banka to a mystery lush of mangroves. I recognized Bambi's profile with the sliver of the moonbeam on her profile as well as the glistening of her hair as it cut through the water. she seems to be a sea nymph guiding us to a secret place. we get into the thicket of mangroves until we reach a clearing. it's like an oval track only that it’s surrounded with trees rooted into the dark waters.. It’s eerie and marvelous at the same time. it's like a scene grabbed from a mythical book of Tolkien. we reach the epicenter and saw the shy moon unshrouded herself at last. she is our main audience as we swim into the warm sparkled water. then we continue to wade through unknown territories, stepping our feet into slithering roots and muddy sands. while Bambi, our sea nymph guide tied the rope around a flimsy branch and we try to hide our identity from the guarding trees. from its roots, there dwell invisible organisms. we could only see them once we try to wave our hands under water and see neon lights illuminated through the dark. I know this is real. Chai and Russ already saw these zooplanktons and they are for real. But I can't contain myself to the extent I plunge into the dark water, opening my eyes to see those neon lights crash into my face and then I feel my eyes searing with pain and my lungs filled with murky waters.
My vision gets blurred this time. depressed, I might be and annoyingly I can't find my own voice. my own lungs choking me. I grab my phone and txted Vera.
"Ver, gusto naku mamatay, i want to drown myself with dark murky waters.."
Lots of lovin'
As Time Goes By
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- last glimpse
- bed ridden
- annual liquidation
- perfect madness
- 12 midnight crisis
- a lone traveler
- Bjork-Declare Independence @ Glastonbury
- where the hell is santa claus?
- minced onions
- CEREBRO: Great minds Great people
- a child of the universe
- work = fun = work < fun = ding!
- over hot mug and pillow blanket
- nagsakit ang puson
- ambot nimo
- "...and my lungs are mourning"
- ▼ December (20)
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- ► 2005 (209)