Saturday, December 29, 2007

bed ridden

I watch my window glass turn glaring yellow, pale white, then it turns orange, then it turns purple until it became black. I watch the day goes by, while crying.

I don't know how long I’m lying on my bed.

Since I woke up, I just know that I already miss two meals: breakfast and lunch and maybe I’ll be missing dinner. I feel my stomach void of any hunger or a need to nourish myself. If the walls could speak, they might scream at me to go out and breathe some fresh air. But I don't want to, I just want to lie motionless, reminisce then cry, reminisce again then scan through our pictures: mostly smiling, kissing and cuddling. there are loads of them on my picture file folder. if I could download them on a webpage then I could probably have 10 minutes worth of online slideshow, but as Bjork’s "pagan poetry" lyrics goes: "i’m gonna keep it to myself."

one year and a half of spent time together was surely long. it’s totally strange that during those times I felt that the world is just turning aimlessly on its axis, while I’m floating on a distant orbit. and since we broke up, I feel i’m carrying the world on my shoulders. every life's realities bite and beat the hell out of me.

still lying on my bed, I feel like a larvae. I felt my bones turn into jelly. my mouth taste like metal and my lungs gasping for air. I will not be surprised if I could spit silk any minute and spin myself a cocoon. but no, i’m only covered with blanket and my pillow got overlapping tear stains. it seems that I dug my own grave and lay myself into a casket but failed to realize that i’m already dead.

my mind keep on wandering from one place to another, from one moment to another, countless scenes and a plethora of sensations, but only with one person. or maybe its not my mind that keeps on wandering, it might be my soul keep on searching for my soul mate, and until such time, my soul will not reunite with my body and leave me bed ridden.

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