Sunday, September 30, 2007
let's go wind riding
chasing a recurrent dream..
canopy of stars..
neon lights shimmering thru the night
we lift our arms to the glaring moon
hail to bjork
hail to kerouac
stamping our feet into restlessness
let's celebrate the moon festival..
chai brings forth wheat..
russ have wings
while me got a lamp cage.
we march off towards the shore..
we have some loaf of bread, tapa and dark chocolate
washed it off with wine
we sing songs and and dance under the moonlight
capsulated by the sea
standing facing the infinite shoreline
bjork sang the anchor song
this is our home
this is, our home
Thursday, September 27, 2007
that was a few years back. and recently, on chai's birthday, we went to Paseo Arsenas and breath in at starbucks. it must be chai's day since the moment that we had our order from the barista our receipt randomly has this lucky space for the code which we need to get from the web page and redeem the receipt for a tall beverage of our choice---and yeah, their treat. ok? that's cool. for that we wave our hands up high and dance infront of the barista..
then we had our toast in their veranda while listening to Cynthia Alexander and Bonnie Pink. Chai would love to smoke but she ran out of sticks. so she tried to rummage through the nearby stalls but to no avail. so she need to go out from the village. good thing she met a friend Glory who fished out two remaining white sticks. Chai later give the other one for me. we cast faint smile on our face as smoke wafted through thin air.
we later proceed to Perpetual Succuor to visit Vera. Chai and i still don't know if vera's still admitted or she might have been discharged out in the hospital. So we're trying to surprise her and at the same time, ourselves. we found, got inside the room 123 and tadah! find vera there. phew.. ok, and the attending doctor drop by and prompt her that she could be discharged from the hospital since she just need to wait for the findings and just continue her medication at home. we celebrate with vera's mom. while savoring the cake, a nurse came by and told us that she's going to remove the IV. it would be my first time to see a person having an IV removed from her vein so i made sure that i got my camera rolling.
time passed by too swiftly, chai needs to go for work so i go ahead and send her off to take a cab. while we're about to go near the exit. we remember what we did few years ago. so we do this: "on your march... get set... go..!"
and run like crazy together.. =)
Monday, September 24, 2007
"i have a funny room # here in perpetual succuor. 123. wala pa exact findings naunsa ko. i suspect it's abusar sa lawas..."
vera sent this message on the night she was admitted in the hospital. im damn worried about her. it so happen that i'm about to drag my butt to the office at that time.. so i can't drop by and check her up. but i promise her that i'll pay her a visit the moment my shift ends. But it so happen that i'm scheduled for endoscopy at that very date and i feel quite nauseated and inform her that i've got to postponed it later that day.
the last time i saw her was she's in her bedroom shrouded with a flower printed blanket as if she tried to get warmed in a cocoon and when i kiss her forehead, she was fiery hot. so now im quite hysterical what had become of her. in the quite corner of my mind, i could imagine vera, bedridden with tubes pricked through her as salinated liquid bombard her with electons or whatever medicine to sustain her and attain homeostasis (thanks Dr. Carvajal, my biology teacher way back in highschool for that term). fragile and vulnerable, she might have just stop struggling and retire for total surrender. let the doctors, the 21st century medication and the murmurs of the in-house hospital nuns recover her.
as i try to find my way towards the room "123" (a faint smile but it is vera's real room number..) i find myself searching along the corridor with rooms shut down with names of patients together with the name of attending doctors posted on. i can't quite imagine how many other patients whose struggling behind those doors to regain full recovery and pay the wooping bills afterwards..
Mdm. Lasam was the one open the door for me and i'm feeling better to see her smile with her black satiny hair radiate with her. Vera could have got her hair from her mother, pure black but instead of satiny, it's a little lack lustre and shaggy at this time. but her face is lively as ever as she animatedly talk about this and that.. we talk and giggle and it brighten up the room then i munch with Mdm. Lasam's special carrot cake which i find myself nibbling with carrot and pineapple shreds.
i withdraw a deep sigh of relief for seing vera getting better. later, somebody knock on the door and we're glad to find out it's russ. so now the three of us talk and catch up what we've been thru lately.
it's an hour before 9pm, time for me to go. as always, vera won't accept "good bye" for a good riddance.. it should always be "see you.."
get well soon our lady in distress.. =)
Sunday, September 23, 2007
just right after my end of shift at 6am, i started what are on my game plan:
** breakfast at mcDO
**trek from GMA 7 to Mahayahay peak and see the sunrise
**do the ritual of writing my crush's name and burn it on top of the mountain..
**then have a body massage
phew.. so that's how i manage to commemorate my official one year in this pseudo career--uhuh!
almost 24 hours widely awake, i tried to reminisce what i've been thru with this call center job. definitely it was one heck of a roller coaster ride.. from application, screening, panel interview, confirmation call, foundation training, another screening, client specs training, nesting and finally taking in gadamn calls.. and of course how can i forget all the laughs, bonding moments and triumphs that we have on this company. the fun fridays, GA dinner and summer/winter escapades that we usually have. somehow one year was worth staying here. and i doubt if i reach the second year since i don't want to neglect the possibility of exploring somewhere else for there will always be a greener pasture across the field. another reason for that would be the fact that most of my colleagues are resigning gradually..
so i better savor the moments while im here and
splatter all those beads of memories,
one of these da'ys,
on a placid lake
under a sakura tree.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
the invocation and pambansang awit was performed by little children from REACH.. there so cute and fragile to listen to. one of them, whom JUlio and I fond noticing of, is a little girl who didn't sing at all, instead she look at the audience with a face of bewilderment (as what i suppose to think was that she didn't memorize the lyrics so she keep on gaping her mouth as to lip sync and pretend that she's singing with her company) but she really looks cute and vulnerable nonetheless. then there also this two brothers who happen to be "chinoy mestizos" whose voices are so angelic. the younger brother closes his eyes once he sings on his falsetto part.
then the celebrated choir companies: CEbu and REACH singing ambassadors do their rounds for this concert they entitled: Huyohoy
they started with Cebuano old favorite: Usahay. then they warm up with OPM love song entitled: "Minsang lang kita Iibigin".. after that they perform several songs and these are the ones i held my breath on: Bahay, Planting rice is no joke (an english version of "magtanim ay di biro" and "Ako si Rosas Pandan" (am not sure if this title is correct, it reminds me of Mdm. Hermosa pluck her guitar as she fond of singing this piece)
as the concert went on, they hum gospel songs, so full of worship and praises... uhuh'.. then they have this African primitive chant i think or is it Brazilian---i don't know but they have somebody who wear a mardi gras costume. then their finale are musical pieces which are sung mostly by star in a million finalists.. =)
after the choir concert. a msge from Yen pops up on my LCD. its from Yen2. she txted me that she will drop by at mcDo jones with her bro. I can't wait to see her again and hug her tight. there's so much that we need to catch up with each other. so when we finally meet we cant stop our chit chat about the updates of her elusive life as a media personnel (she just came from KBP seminar together with Vera ), her newly found sweet heart, and our future get together.. (hmn hmn.. future laag someday..) our reunion didn't last that long. but the heavy cloud of missing her somehow thin out when i finally hugged and had a hearty talk with her (even along the highway). Yen will be back to Dumaguete the morning after we talked. i don't know when we gonna see each other again and when will be the "five" of us be together again.. for now, i keep on writing those whimsical encounters with people whom i keep crossing my fingers on that their paths intertwined with mine..
on love, that we call coffee
Julio and i have this ritual of drinking coffee on our monthsaries ( this time at Bo's ).. as what i posted on my older blogs.. i'm the cream, he would be the sugar.. and we'll be united in the coffee called love.
its been awhile since Julio and i ramp on clubs with eachother since we usually spent our weekends in his hometown. we went straight to mango square and chilled out at numero doce. I had absolute vodka while he got absolute kurant to lift our "spirits" hehe. before, it is already sosyal to puff black butt and capri cigarettes. but now u can score it from a sidewalk takatak vendor while picking some judge chewing gum. im into house music while julio is into hip hop. so when i find him bored we flew to the nearby club, autobox.
party, party all night long. i saw a fuck buddy before, a gay pay whom i thought a hottie straight (whom i almost had an encounter with but was turned my green lights off when i knew the ulterior motive behind his modus operandi) then had a text message from a long time virtual crush that if we could meet tonight.. but duh.. i shruged it all off, i got my ultimate crush infront of me so what should i ask or lust for more?
we rode a cab home cuddling and make love silently as the whole world went to deep slumber.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
for that, im always deprived of that 'freaky friday'... 'friday night fever'... 'friday fly day'... since i am catering to my customer's dilemma, who happen to be in the other side of the globe. call it pacific time, mountain, central or eastern standard time, still they are about half day late to our local time. blessed be the beer that i should have been gulping now. kalouy..
but hey just this recent friday night. during my lunch break. my ka-brews are at the outpost. they texted me and tease me to join them. thinkin' that i only have 58 minutes left after i read their msge, i gather the power vested upon me and speed towards the outpost. i hail a motor cycle and be like "tomb raider" and walah'.. just a minute or two im at the place and find myself drinking and giggling with my friends.. cool! savoring the moment and try to party through eternity. and hmn, i cant wait to press my butt to that bean bag that was advertised in BITE magazine.
after that, speed back to the office, be like "tomb raider" again, and i even log in a minute earlier my lunch break is due.. whoa! whatta f***! im still a vigilant agent after that explosive break.
sleep about 5 hours. wake up from a dream (about bjork;2nd time around) and prepare myself for a hosting bluff. and guess what, its for a kiddie party. My colleague's daughter turns one year old and she planned for a kiddie party in their house and she picked me to host the event. the theme was "Dora the Adventurera". Excited for the idea of being with kids again (they are one of my passion) so i have myself a lot of games and pakulo suited for that Spanish animated girl. since im at ease with this scenario, i was able to connect to the kids, become friends with them and did all that silly yet heart melting tasks. they all thanked me with their smile and hugs as the party come to an end. after that i sing along with the videoke machine they brought on their patio.
heavy rain wont stop me from spending my weekend into a higher notch. from kiddie shirt to an ink black polo, i suit myself and made my way to ayala where i met chai for a theater play: "Doon Po sa Amin" Onofre Pagsanghan's acclaimed adaptation of renowned piece "Our Town" by Thornton Wilder. it flashes back on what i saw last time in Bantawan--- as Chai and Vera also became a part of this stage play adaptation of the original version way way years back. As what Chai told me and i do agree, it has the same "heavy feeling" each time the play is about to end when Emily relive (in the midst of the tombs) those moments when she is still alive.
chai went to Turtle's nest, have a meeting with X.O.? and there she will meet russ. as i dropped to asia town i.t. park and grab donuts while walking around with Regina Spektor sighs with her "carbon monoxide" "aquarious" and "ode to divorce"... have dinner, surf the net, then settle at coffee bean/tea leaf and read Murakami.
When i finished my coffee, the crowd is thinning out. slouching alone and uncomfortable with the guard whose eying on my already empty grande sized paper cup. i have this surge of uneasyness and dying to get out of this place, but i already informed chai and russ that i will just wait here and thinkin they're probably about to come. so i keep on burrying my nose on my paperback and stayed. on that same moment, a net acquaintance txted me that he's in the Loft and he's half drunk. txted him back that im just sitting nearby from where he is. the possibility of meeting for the first time with this guy is as pressing as the barista wait for a new customer to drop by. an echo a stain.
at last chai and russ together with his buddy arrived. we chat, munch on white toblerone and blueberry muffins. russ and i have this "walang kamatayang" discussion about bjork. we talk animatedly about her performance, her rawness, her videos, and how visceral she is. i even told him that i dreamt about her again earlier and he was saddened to know that in my dream, he wasn't able to watch her live due to parental constraint. hmn.. tsk2.. still that was 'just' a dream or rather that was --bjork! in my dream! how vivid it was on my dream how she perform and i feel her nearness to the extend i could feel her breath, i smell her sweat. for both russ and i, she's totally a living legend. an echo a stain.
another msge receive. *im heading there * apple green polo, khaki trousers * ...ok, comming * black polo, dark tight jeans *
a three minute passerby. three minutes on how to say my casual spiel. a three minute to made up my mind not to hook up with this guy. exactly three minutes and im back with my friends. a three minute taming.
again, russ (while his buddy is half asleep on his shoulder) and i talk, while chai immersed herself on what she's reading..
pack my things up. meet my colleagues in IT park and hit down south. we're heading towards Moalboal.
put my goggles on and don my rash guard (given by Julio) we snorkel on the vast array of corals and sea creatures.
dusk about to swallow the sun..
more than 24 hours on the move, i still manage to go to Danao and experience their annual fiesta with Julio.
here ends another weekend.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
i remmember growing up having pets, i got a dog named "sherlocke" and a jar of aquatic fishes. i also tend a garden when im young. im not use to speak nor write since i usually stay in my garden trying to tend a newly transferred orchid, or trying to take care of a dying rose (which i find hard to take care with). i wait until dusk to see a bud bloom into a flower (ground orchids and bulbs family do that since they usually bloom when its not totaly hot). early as 4:30am i usually wake up and walk towards an old bakery with my dog (he loves going with me since there are alot of times when bread accidentally fell off from the shelve and there you go, my dog got a free meal). then in the morning, i go to the beach to fetch "fresh" salt water to change my sort of mini-jar-aquarium to oxiginate the water since there's no airator available in our market that time (kung baga "dili uso sa among probinsya". beside, i only got a mayonnaise jar for an aquarium so murag sosyal ra kaau if i got an airator). im just glad to feel them; to see them grow, and keep taking care of them. i got this interconnectivity with them and i feel comftable with that.
so to trimmed it down, i grew up mostly with non speaking-living-things..
but i don't say that i really have this weird childhood. i also have childhood friends. although i had close friends but for a short span of time since my family move alot from one location to another at that time (due to unknown reason which until now i can't figure out) so again it boils down to be constantly with these "non speaking-living-things"..
so now, i must confess i have a hard time trying to communicate some times. like my thoughts are like a sack of salt with a congested hole on it. it's hard for me to express in words what i feel, i think or imagine about. words are even come short of its primal function when i have this idea or experience that i want to suggest but run out of letter combination to describe it.
im so frustrated. that's why being an artist appeals to me. i want to paint, sketch, design and dance, dance, dance.. dancing is always my passion. i don't care about people might stereotyped me as a freaking gay when i do a dance interpretation with my ballerina dress. as long as i let the blood of artistry run through my veins and never supress them---or else it would turn me purple and rot inside.
for that, let me speak through my hands,
let ? (question mark)
! (exclamation point)
or . (period)
would be expressed thru the tension of my fingers
and not on how i grip a pen.
let my sentence flow with my fish net stockings
rugged tip-toe, plié and arm sway
let ambigousity and spontaneity fluff with my tutu
so it fades from me the notion that if i only grow up with high school musical generation or if only im a certified sesame street child, i might have been well conversed and my accent could be nice =) haha. i don't want to be bitter here but i rather embrace my own flaws and speak the language that i am capable of and get rid the mental torture of being judged.
The words of language, as they are written or spoken, do not seem to play any role in my mechanism of thought. The physical entities which seem to serve as elements in thought are certain signs and more or less clear images.
-Albert Einstein (1879-1955) German-Swiss-U.S. scientist.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
ako ng girl ha.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
here we stand
it will always be
everything & nothing
but space & silence
to begin with
tell me how it is to
love & live & be
no promises knowing
there is only now
knowing there is only now
as we walk away
out the door
welcome back reality
don't forget we smile knowing
there is only now
tell me how it is
to love & live & be
no promises knowing
there is only now
knowing there is only now
the first time i hear this from my player was when i walk to a wet pavement along i2 (freshly drenched by the bygone rain) the piano is so lovely and Cynthia's voice comfort the restless soul within me. it makes me smile while walking along a crowd of strangers. passing through cars, passing through a cat trying to catch a mate. did these silly skip every now and then while reminiscing good memories i had with friends, with my significant other and also those time when i'm all by myself..
Monday, September 10, 2007
like a sunset over the lake..
or it may seems that
the sun that sets
is the dying flame that met the rays
of my heartache's arms.
of a long gone love
that once sprung up
but chooses to kiss
the tinge line across surrender
and be forever drowned
in the cold murky waters..
how i yearn for the one who
greyed me out into shadows..
keep me in the dusk.
-originaly post and edited 09/10/2004
04 Aug 2007, 02:06
Me: ei..i find u interresting..
04 Aug 2007, 02:07
M: u remind me of a character in Murakami's book..=)
how are u?
H: Murakami's Book? Who could that be. I am not feeling so good. Been sick for the past 2 days. Until now actually. Fever and cough. I just hate it.
M: hmn, kalouy.. u might need a hug.. =) Norwegian wood, Turu's friend.. long story.. if im not mistaken u have this tatoo on ur foot..?=)
foot.. seems not a good term.. embarrasing
H: yeah. i have one. left ankle. how did you know? weird.
M: alryt, "ankle"that shud be the term..i have this strange sickness of running out of "suitable word".. i have the idea but can't blurt it right..hmn, so u must be the guy i keep on eyeing to then..(in the past) i hope ur still chubby.. =) giggles.bitaw, i just saw u in ayala,in the web and u kept on swimming on my head (in the past)
H: oh really now... chubby? me? i guess i am. what do you mean in the web in ayala? hahahaha... :-D
M: =) haha..there is no such thing as "web in ayala" what im trying to say is that i once saw u in ayala.. i was at bo's by then.. and i saw u in a web page.. like, the internet.. sorry walay koy klaro earlier.. haha.. =)so mao to, thats how i know u or rather saw u..at that time i keep on listening to bjork's: "i miss u.. (but i have'nt met u yet)
H: ahhhh... okies. i wonder what web page was that. the one wherein you saw me. ;-)
M: i dont wanna tell.. =)what keep u from goin to bed?i hope u wouldnt mind me asking.. =)
H: im working right now. even if im sick. the thought of me lying in bed having blank thoughts will drive me nuts. i think the web page was from my friend *****. (web name). if i am not mistaken.
M: u bet.. hmn, mao ba? kuyawa gud.. u must be an asset to the company.. saludo ko' =)when im sick, i usually drag myself to a nearby mountain; or if im lucky enough-- to the beach.. i feel better that way=)
H: well... that is your idea of remedy. but for me, i need to keep myself busy. hahay... it's the only way that can keep me going. if im doing something. ;-)
M: whoa.. ok.. maau, atleast productive.. i might be a disturbance sa imo work ron.. pasensya,,
H: and why are you still up? huh? ;-) i don't think you're working or something.
M: its a funny story, i went to work earlier but only to find out that my SIL was approved.. i didnt receive any confirmation that my application was approved so i thought i need to work my ass around.. now,here i am, waiting for the morning bus.i'll be heading north this 4am
H: heading north? but why? what's in there? ;-)
M: wla lang.. maybe to unwind.. weekend.. pahungaw.. =)whats the usual weekend for you..
H: usual weekend? drunk, wasted, either at loft or vudu, go home and puke, then sleep the entire day. woke up with a hang over. massage, coffee, movie, dinner. then back to work. boring routine. hehehehehe...
;-) where man ka sa north? or maybe you're joining the eb party no?
M: cute.. i find that unusually wonderful.. its like, letting urself be dead and ressurrect the next day. interresting.. =) eb party? (with a blank face) i dont have any idea.. im heading towards bantayan.. my hometown.. although dili ko mouli sa amoa, taman ra ko sta fe. i guess.. come what may..i just want to get lost for a moment.
H: hey! i wanna visit bantayan again. take me there. will you? please please please... i was in panglao lang last weekend. and i wanna go to bantayan again. hehehehhe...
M: =) cute.. what do u mean.. like, this morning? u want to go to bantayan..serious?although how i wish u could but u must be kidding.. tsk3x
H: maybe next weekend. basta... i will go there. hehehehehe... not today. i'm sick and not feeling well. right? ;-) and im not kidding about going to bantayan. im serious about it.
M: alryt.. cool.. thats great.. however, i wish i could at least see u again soon, at that time in bantayan.. hehe just wishful thinkin.. i might give u a rub since u like being massaged and i pretty know how.. sigh....
H: awww.... that's so nice of you. ;-) you can see me anytime. that can always be arranged. right?
Y: whoa.. cool.. really now.. yeah, we could like talk over coffee sometimes.. then i could lend u my murakami's short stories..here's my contact #... i couldnt believe this.. =)
H: and why on earth you could not believe this? hehehehehe... here is my number #... **** here. And you are? Real name please.
M: Liyo po..=) haha..good day mr. ****.. im just glad to have u on my screen..its already beyond four, i must be in the terminal to catch the early bus.. have a great weekend.sail on..
H: have a safe trip and you enjoy your weekend! see ya soon. ;-)
days, weeks and a month after.. i have'nt heard from him since then. i have this on my draft all these times.. i try to keep it from my hubby and haven't told him about this. i was having this wishful thinking that maybe, maybe those aforementioned sweet nothings might still going to happen since i really like him for a long time.. like i was still clutching my canvass and paint brushes by then when i had a huge crush on him.
but i feel so immature trying to hold on to something that really not meant to happen. like Betty Boop after a long senseless day, i might as well play the piano (if i only knew how) and play a tune for my puppy.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
she never fails to give me a cringe. my skin tingles on most of her tracks. so the moment the reverberation of the guitar fades on her last song for that night, i can't help but go near her and hug her. i whisper my compliments while sniffing her aura. my book fell and it spills her water to a live wire that it cause a blasting sound of a short circuit. instead of worrying about that "blast off" Cynthia did manage to ask me whose the author of the book. i was holding "the wind-up bird chronicle" by Murakami by then. and she gave me a recognizing smile.. i can't define what i've just felt at that time. i was so caught up by the moment that i went trough the crowded place and go out to an open space and run like a dog who just get himself a piece of bone. that was a heck of an experience for me as a newly declared Cynthia Alexander fan.. for sure, i'll fill my mp3 collection with her songs. and to Outpost, it was incredible that they able to invite great artist over and let the whole place become a living legend for the thriving art scene in Cebu.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
your body lay naked
in the canopy of sheets
gently i squeezed in
to be cuddled and kept warm
steady breathing make your chest
raise up and sink back again
while my blood goes from lowtide to hightide
musty; your skin smells of old log,
heavy yet hazy.
without inhibition, my eyes wander
through the physical landscape of yours.
it cast a faint smile on my face.
I let your arms wraped around me
'til my limbs go numb.
bodies congruent to eachother
head to foot, chest to chest;
through this, my heart could
freely resonate love spells with yours.
let me whisper on your ears then.
let me speak the language
that only few can dare speak of.
am not shy this time,
nor feeling timid.
so let me gently squeezed in
to be cuddled and kept warm---
while your asleep.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
curtain up.. and the whole stage was exposed. mountain of rubbish piled up like a scene in Payatas dumpsite and the lights are just enough to create an ominous ambiance. The plot itself is interesting. the whole duration of the stage play runs from 45min to an hour and i've never been interrupted the whole time. so iguess, i was completely absorbed from what i'm seeing as there was no dead air, no sullen moment. the introduction of each vital character was vividly done. the presence of the elements in a plot (conflict, crisis.climax and denouement or resolution) were present. in addition, i like the stage blocking. the director undeniably know which character have to be given importance in this play. it was really crazy, and most of these main actors are quite impressive.. even the extras.. they all have attained that 360 degrees characterization. one of the supporting actress, who somehow reminds me of that little cerebral palsy girl in Magnifico do this weird, tensioned body movement the whole time.. and another one (who happen to be one of my trainee in a dance workshop before) just sat down and be "tameme"---that's all. and the rest are as equally fine as the main performers..
the Filipino ingenuity through theater would still continue to breath and live as long as there are still gutsy performance artists doing it and eventuallu more audience will appreciate it. and im quite happy that this sort of artistic ecosystem (um biology class? ikaw ba yan?) is in equilibrium specially here in Cebu.
kudos to all of the cast and the people behind the scene.. job well done.
"magaling" naisabi ko sa aking sarili paglabas ko pagkatapos ng dula.. ako'y talagang namangha at hindi nabuwisit.
Lots of lovin'
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- when you're almost done
- post card from yen
- "knowing there is only now.."
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