Tuesday, November 27, 2007

nagpabiling nagpahiyum

alas otso sa gabii,
didto sa bo's coffee.
nagkita mig balik sa akong amigo
nga dugay na naku nakahinabi.
"kamusta naman ka?" pangutana niya
ako nagpahiyom ug dayon
sabat nga ok ra ko.


"ambi naku kay nilarga nakag Dubai,
kay gusto nimo makahuman imong mga manghud ug skwela."
daw nawala akong tingug sa akong tutunlan sa dihang iya pa tong nahinumduman,
mga yawyaw ug plano sa akong way klarong kinabuhi.
wala siya kaybalo nga ang pinakahinungdan nga moadto ko'g abroad
kay aron makalimot ko niya.


kalit nalang ko'g punit sa tisue
ug akong gipahiran akong baba sa kape nga nisidsid sa akong mga ngabil.
mao sad ang akong pagkahinumdum lima na ka tuig ang nilabay sa among kinalasang paghiuban.


...


didto sa Starmart, tunga-tunga sa gabii
gainom mig kape aron pawala sa duka ug painit sa among gakurog nga mga dughan.
nagstorya mi bahin sa klase-klaseng mga matang. mga pangandoy ug mga pagbating natabunan na sa abog sa paspas kaau nga panahon. nahutdan nalang mig mga pulong na masampit ug hangtud nalang iya kong gi hagkan.


daw sama sa suga nga nisiga,
akong mga mata ni sigrab
ug akong mga ngabil nagsampit sa iyang ngalan.
apan naka dama ko nga adunay paghugot sa iyang ginhawa
daw adunay liboan nga lugas sa humay
ang moawas sa gamayng lungag sa iyang pagbati.
sa walay pagpugong, nisulti siya kanako nga molangyaw na siya sa gawas sa nasud
aron manginabuhi ug wala siya kaybaw kung kanus-a pami magkita ug balik..
kahilum.
daw niagi ang ginoo sa among luna,
ug ang kamingaw ni dangoyngoy sa among mga nilubad nga pangisip.
gusto niyang i-tugan sa akoa nga ako magpabilin sa iyang kasing-kasing
pero daghang mga matang na sukwahi sa iyang kabubut-on.
apan wala naku kasabot sa iyang mga panulti tungod kay susama naman iyang tingug sa usa ka makabibihag nga langgam na nagkumbabit sa usa ka sanga apan molupad lang kini ug dili na madunggan pa.


lima na ka tuig sa diha akong dughan kinalasang ni taghoy.
lima na ka tuig ang nilabay sa kinalasang katamis ug pagmaya. lima ka tuig nagmaoy kining dughan ko,
lima ka tuig ug ayaw pun-i pa..


...


ug karon,
ako nang gisuyop
ang kinalasang kapait
sa kape
gikan sa akong gilama nga tasa
didto sa nanghupong nga tutunlan


ug nagpabiling nagpahiyum.

beyond the horizon

it is said that angels gather each time the sun is about to rise and during sunsets. however they can't feel anything or they can't comprehend how it is like to embrace the piercing light. in that sense then, we should consider ourselves lucky when we feel the warm glow in our cheeks every time the centre of our solar system is about to manifest its greatness beyond the horizon.


that is why I love sunrise and sunsets.. when we still had our hometown in Bantayan island, I usually take my coffee by the seashore. waking up my senses by the sweet bitterness of coffee and the whimsical roar of the waves while basking the warmth of the sun. when I was 12; just recently consider MTV as my favourite channel and my walkman as my constant companion, I climb up on our rooftop and listen to "The Corrs" at dusk. travelling would be much better if the sun is trying to peek from your window (it could be in the bus, ship, airplane..) and see it just newly woke up from slumber, or trying to rest from shining all day long.


I feel that my affinity with sunrise and sunset is closely related to the ever changing of my state of being. there is a constant change of gear of the speed on how I propel towards life. the inconsistent zest for meaning and purpose, the need to shine and the inevitable calmness of being shaded out with absurdity. The magnified silence, which requires stillness and total surrender. The placid soul that counts the waves of a single droplet. the power of dying and the glory of rebirth. each time I see the sun bleeds at the moment it sets or it rises, there is this feeling of purification and renewal. it might be paganism but that's how I consider the blinding presence of the sun, it drawn me to be with him, smile with him and dance with him.


later on, I might walk across a different horizon. I might step on foggy mountains rather than salty shores. I might see the sun being swallowed by a landscape instead of an advancing sea. From island to island, from one continent to another. Nevertheless, the sun will always follow me; it will always try to impress me. we always be together, after noontime and especially after the darkest hour.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Bjork - Harm of Will (LIVE @ ROYAL OPERA HOUSE)

there is no artist other than bjork that plucks the inner soul within me... she totally evaporates the mist of feelings that clings to my blood and turn them into a wisp of desperate longing to see her.. to breath her.. to hug her..

she just don't know how i swoon and dream about her---constantly.

gloomy monday


it totally saddened me to see IT park in total wreck.. nights before, i saw the whole place sparkles.. but then a drastic unforgiving storm, Lando, rush in like a madman last Monday leaving its cruelty with lanterns falling off from branches, trees uprooted from their anchors, tarp posters ripped off and the most sad of all, i saw an unfulfilled butterfly crushed in a dead cocoon when i was about to take my breakfast at e-diner.. it was a gloomy day..
i just hope that IT park will just grow back to normal in no time..

pagpangumpra

alas sinko sa kadlawon
ako kasagaran mo mata.
sa akong pag bangon,
makadungog naku sa akong lola
magtikaw-tikaw sa silong.

dayon sa pagtimbaya
"mayngbuntag 'la"
mao sad iyang pag-ngisi ug
pagtugon sa mga palitonon

isa ka kilo nga agumaa
usa ka kilo nga manok
usa ka lapad na mantika
repolyo, kamunggay ug sayote
sibuyas, ahos ug kamatis
ug usa ka sipi sa iyang paboritong saging

kini akong mandaan aron sa akong pagpangumpra walay makalimtan
didto sa merkado, diretso sa akong suki
na si nang Susan

"maynbuntag nang.."
sa dayon kong pagpahiyum
pagkakita niya sa
giduka nako nga dagway.
"unsa may ato Ley" sabat niya.
kini among sugod pag-inilisay
ug storya matag adlaw
sa matag buntag
sa pagpangumpra

ako nang giandam ang mga pinili
nga isda, manok, utanon ug ang mga lamas
ug si nang Susan, dali-dali na niya pag timbang niini
ug gi-kwenta tagpila matag usa.
samtang ang uban nga gahuwat sa linya
ga tabi bahin sa unsa-unsa.

ako na gingbitbit akong kinumpra.
gibaktas gikan merkado balik ila lola
ug kaming duha
nagsugad ug hikay
para sa among pangsud-an
sa pani-udto ug sa panihapon
karong adlawa.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

bjork: an echo a stain



she touched
my arm
and smiled
one of these days soon : very soon
love you til then
love you til then
feel my breath
on your neck
your heart will race
don't say no to me
you can't say no to me
i won't see you
denied
i'm sorry you saw that
i'm sorry he did it
an echo
a stain...
a s t a i n . . .
i can't say no to you
say nothing

free falling

complete
...
photo of me and julio
2006
stiched, b/w, se w8001

Thursday, November 15, 2007

define struggle

I promise myself that I will not depend again. I was 13 and since then I have the taste of what independence is.

my father was a supervisor of a construction company in UAE and at the same time a contributor on a company based publications as an editorial writer. 10 years ago, he lost his job, never came back abroad. his money in the bank all vanished and our house and lot sold. and it is his birthday now. happy birthday pop =)

since then I struggled to keep myself from being out of school. I took scholarship to have tuition free. I also took my chances on applying for stipend and living allowances in the city. I rather do something about my situation other than whine in the corner and curse my fate. I was a thirteen year old who just realized how it is to make a living. if other student wake up in the morning and worry about their uniform unpressed; I worry about my fare, I worry about what should I have for lunch, my requirements unpurchased and how to balance my school dues. and this goes on day after day after day. I experienced washing dishes to have lunch. walk a mile with head down looking for a five-peso coin for jeepney fare. been through a lot of temporal jobs to tide me by and deal with various people that could either make me or break me. through it all, I didn't complain. I feel like a hello kitty stuffed toy, with eyes wide open but mouthless. I just can't complain. that's why if somebody rant about how their life sucks, I wanna stitched their mouth shut since their issues are nothin compared to what I had had.

so I struggle. I always have this banner in my head that says "this will make me stronger.. this will make me stronger.." like a mantra to mute my inner soul not to go through enmity. the heck of it! and for chrissake, when all these struggles last?

recently I came across with this message in my mailbox.


empowered/inspired, my heart beats so fast to the extent I got palpitation. so instead of going straight to sleep from a graveyard shift I went from downtown to midtown to process all the forms needed to pursue my dream.. to chase those dreams. I need to process my passport as a ticket to explore the world, to experience life less ordinary and better yet, move towards greener pasture. but my hopes begin to wane as I realized, most of the necessary supporting documents are lost due to the fact that my wallet was gone. in my wallet I have my IDs, my NBI clearance and my half-month worth of payroll. pang! so its like back to scratches.

I don’t know if I need to search for reasons why.. I don't know if I have the right to blame god or whoever have the bigger picture of my fate, but I still don’t understand why it's happening to me. am I not good enough? am I not generous enough? before my wallet was lost, I send money for my brother's allowance. if I knew if all that was left will be lost, then I should have send all to my family so they could benefit from it. im back from being a penniless vagabond, a wandering hobo. and my dreams are like faded away, it slipped out from my fingers like smoke. and again, I feel like a hello kitty stuffed toy, with eyes wide open but mouthless. I just can't complain.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

kurbada

adunay usa ka kurbada
diha nahimutang sa kilid
sa pangpang sa Boljoon
na ang bus nga akong gisakyan
mo hagurot ug liko niining dalana.

ambot kong ngano

o unsa ba
nga ang akong dughan mo hubag
sa dihang inigliko
sa ining kurbada bisan sauna pa..

panan-aw sa daku nga dagat

nga gilamdagan sa langit,
ang lungsod nga nagpasilong sa
mga kahoy acacia,
ug ang mga gagmayng baroto nga nag ankla sa daplin sa baybayon
ang mo surpresa sa inig dayon liko niining dalana.

ug uban pa niana

didto sad dapit diin nahitabo ang
usa ka kasinatian nga perting kurata.
kadtong niaaging sabado,
fiesta sa tanang barrio.

upat na ka kaha sa redhorse

ang nikulob atong gabhiona
ako uban sa akong mga kaila
ga-maya unahan sa baylihan
nga gimpang langyawan
sa mga laing-laing dayo.

usa kanila kay usa ka consehal

sa laing bahin sa sugbo.
usa siya sa mga suod nga amigo sa akong "ex" sauna
nga wala ko nagdahum na magkita mi balik
human sa hagbay
na panahon nga walay panagtagbo.

didto sa lingkuranan

nga hinimo sa kawayan, nag-abot
among dughan nga among
gimpang koralan sa kadto pang kami pa
sa akong uyab sauna.
akong gimpangyamyam unsa ko ka boang
adtong panahona, nga ngano akong gisugot adtong
usa kaysa nilihok kog pagpanguyab kaniya.

sa mga matang ug pagbati

na walay pulong na mailitok kaniya
ako nalang siyang gigakos
ug gilubong akong nawong sa iyang abaga

buntag damlag,

ang redhorse nga nilibot sa among sistema nahupas
ug ang naandan nga pangisip
napatigbabaw na.
daw wala lay nahitabo kagabii kay ang among
pagtinagdanay daw sama ra sa magkaila.
nanakay nami sa iyang awto
sa frontseat nilingkod ko.
pila ra kadangaw among kalayon
pero daw dunay dili makita nga paril
ang nag ali sa among duha.

ug didto nilabay mi sa usa ka kurbada

diha nahimutang sa kilid
sa pangpang sa Boljoon
diin nangadagsa ang mga
matang ug pagbati
na dili na gyud tawn
makaplagan.

Friday, November 09, 2007

embering

this year is quite calm. it's as calm as i welcome the first sunrise of 2007 in Panglao. it seems that everything just settled down into places..

Vera and i reconciled from being separated from sourly silence sometime late summer. so with russ. although we might tried to ignore the fact that we had misunderstandings in the past but it "happened" and it was resolved. chai had this "shining moments" in the metropolitan that Manila keep her from us. then lately Yen was assigned in Dumaguete but we crossed waters to be with her.. the need for each other among the five of us is adherent as two opposing poles of a magnet. so we always end up together, interconnected.

Julio and I are just fine, we have cat fights every now and then but we end up crazy for each other. my sexual conquest have gone slow paced since im quite contented with the one im constantly with and how he manage my hormones. we're turning 1 year and a half this coming December.

my work became so familiar yet a pain in the ass that it stir the hell out of me specially a customer complain about a tax discrepancy on her Federal Form. my colleagues are quite cool, and they're fun to be with but there are times that my voice fade out when i start talking about art. my company crush who once an inspiration become a stabbing pain in the heart every time i got weird moments with him who happen to be a darn straight guy.


my family in Bantayan are ok, and it is inevitable that i need to sacrifice some things for my family specially with my younger brothers. the mere idea of doing some things for your loved ones is quite an accomplishment. i dream of having reunion in a soon to be rest house by the beach with my folks someday.


i've traveled some unknown territories, finished several books that will always leave me swooning. movies and theater plays that will always be recalled. find comfort with strangers. the relentless craving to be with my own shadow and find my existence.. i'm filled with unbearable lightness for my cup of memories.


i'm always be grateful and can't help but smile for being so damn lucky.

..there comes sunday then monday, then it will be not sooner when December will end. a forgotten author carved a line on my mind: embering comes from the experiences you fed into ur fiery days and recollecting all that was consumed by our fading memories. October, November, December.. a season that will turn everything into ember. but i know, beyond this realm of tranquility, embers will not yet turn into ashes, instead, it will turn gradually ---into flames.

ngano uroy'

berano, panahon sa ting kuwaresma
alas sinko padung kilumkilum
lima sa akong mga amigo
nagtigum sa baybayon


duha nila nanugat ug tuloy
sa kitang nga bag-o ra nidagsa
sa pagpanagat didto sa lawod
ug ang laing duha nag haling sa bagul ug bunot
aron sa pag panugba


sa laing bahin, ako, gahiwa sa lamas.
sibuyas, kamatis ug ahos gi pino sa tadtaran
samtang usa sa akong higala
ga kudkud sa lubi para gata
sa umaabot na pangkilaw


sa dayon nakug human ug hiwa
mao sad iyang paghuman ug kudkud.
ako siyang gitabangan sa pag puga sa sapal
ug ang puti nga duga nidaguyduy
sa among gakumkum nga mga kamot


nangabot na ang uban namo nga mga higala
nagsugod na sa pagsugba, ug gi prepara na ang kinilaw.
"sugdan na ang tagay!" ..sa dihang baso sa tuba gipasa-pasa
kaming duha nag-tupad ug iya nang gikuskus ang gitara


kami wlay hunong sa pag kanta ug pagyawyaw
hangtud nagpasilong nalang ang adlaw sa kapanaw-punawan
murag daghan na among nainom da'
kay ang gitarista nitutuk naman naku ug dayon sa pag-ingon:
"namuwa mana imong mga aping ug ang imong ngabil
daw rosas nga nindut ingkiton.."


ug ako nahibong sa iyang mga panugilon
wala ko kasabot ngano akong dalunggan ni kalit ug tagling
tungod ba kini sa tuba o
tungod kini sa iyang ginatago nga katuyoan
ako wala ni tingug ug nagpabiling nagpahiyum


apan dili sa kadugayan, nituyok na akong kalibutan
akong tiil daw dili na akong tiil
akong pananaw ug panghunahuna nangalagpot
way pagduhaduha, ako: usa na ka hubog sa baybayon


maayo nalang ginsalbar ko sa akong amigo nga gitarista
kay gi alsa ko niya sa usa ka payag

diin iya kong gipahimutang.
way sama iyang pag atiman niya kanako
ug akong dughan nitiurok sa iyang mga kamot nga nag-alagad,
ug sa iyang mga ngabil nga ni halok sa akoa.


daghan pa siyang gimpangyamyam
ug uban pang ginabuhat nga wala naku damha;
apan akong mga dalunggan

ug mga mata nangapalong ra
sa tungatunga sa kagabhion.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

rest well chai..

a lone glimmer in the dusk

walking under a cloudless sky at 4am. chilly wind coming from north eastern continents, it's getting colder as December about to blow winter wind. i should have sipped a warm cup of tea instead of mocha freeze in the pantry. have this mild shiver as i hear dried fallen twigs break underneath my soles, I keep on walking until such a distance where the sky posed naked from city towers.

i find myself transfixed with this scene. a sparkling star gazing at the moon. its about daybreak so most of the stars might have shut themselves to sleep and yet this one, might have been Venus, still sparkling as if trying to grab the attention from the moon. i stood for few minutes to absorb the scene. my eyes, my body keep still, yet my heart beats for this astronomical phenomena. might have the goddess of the celestial plane gave favor for this star to be located in congruent with the moon once in thousand lightyears and yet be cursed with the unbearable torture of seeing the moon from a distance since there will be no chance that they collide with eachother. my heart beats for the star that keep on gazing towards the moon---for eternity. did the star realize that she is a star, a luminous ball of plasma, a domineering object across the galaxy--- a star of the universe. yet she feel brittle and awestruck from the borrowed light of the moon.

i hate to realize that i always see myself as the star. as i always failed to grasp my total value. i failed to realize that i'm always be a star that could keep on shining throughout the darkest hour. yet as Yvaine, the falling star character in Stardust, said that star can't shine as it should be if it has a broken heart.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

what his response would be?

whose my first mistake?
i can answer that in 5 letters
the name that batter my liquid heart
into a scrambled whack

then i will tell you what transpired that day


let's flashback 4 years ago
February 5, 2003
UP water fountain.
it's the time ***** would like to confront me
with the parchment that i put on his bag
while he's researching inside the library

4 years ago.
4 years of wondering
of what ifs and of sudden twist of fate,
unending puzzle that leads to constant questioning:
what could have been?

February 5.
an independence
of bottled emotion,
as hard and as difficult
as holding an erection
and intermittent frustration over things beyond
comprehension

water fountain.
thirsty of knowing what he also felt for me
my stomach lurched of acid curiosity
he's coming towards me,
but i tilt my head to tame my questioning lips
with cold running water

he would like to confront me.
but i turn my back with fear
and he mistook it for rejection
when i lean back
i saw him running farther
farther away from me

a parchment that i put in his bag
a two paged letter containing my farewell,
an immature confession of a bottled affection
blurting out three silly words
with a coward goodbye for a closure.
thinking that it is my final leap to a new found discovery:
that i love him, but retiring with the notion that
he's damned straight---and i'm definitely not.

researching inside the library
he might be still trying to understand
what i meant for all the craziness i've been.
naive: i find love confusing,
and no knowledge of expressing it
my coded love beat might have been too gibberish
for him to decode 4 years and counting
and forever leave me wondering:

what he's response would be?

Friday, November 02, 2007

of ashes and bones..


my recollection about "kalag-kalag" (commemoration of all the faithful departed in our local dialect ) always been a picture of our clan gathering in cempark. my grand lola, uncle and aunties, then my cousins.. it is sort of reunion together with the belief of spending some time with our departed love ones. me and my brothers usually gather candle wax then boil it in a cap of cola then put a sacrificial ant on it. it will blaze itself and crrrssh! we call it "santilmo". lately, we haven't done that since most of our relatives either migrated somewhere or we just simply visit the cemetery on our own. we never had the chance to meet up since we simply bring flowers, lit some candles and then--in my case, mutter a prayer that usually end up talking to my aunt. she's one of closest auntie. and i grew up knowing she's beautiful and brilliant. but she died at early age due to cancer and undeniably, of broken heart.


lately i passed by three cemeteries. Olango, Sta. Fe and Danao.

...............

chai, russ and i pass through mounds of sea sands at one of the site in Olango cemetery. its like anthills, it just that it has wooden cross (engraved on it is the name of the departed, date of birth and death) thrust into the end of the mound. it's my first time to see a sort of landscape full of mini hills where dead are buried. one of the mounds, the three of us noticed that some of bone fragments can be visibly observed on the convex. i don't know if it gives justice to the dead but for me i like to see how the bone turned chalky white as it has been washed by the rain, bleached by the sun then breath on sea breeze. as Russ and I somehow agree, that these dead people are definitely lucky, being buried near the seashore, where their soul will always be cradled by the undying lullaby of the sea..

.......................

during my visit in my hometown last month, i smile seeing rows of yellow bells shrubs , as the truck passed by along the sta.fe-bantayan highway. sweet scent and the fresh morning dew blow on my face as we speed on. although its not related but i found myself humming "tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree, its been three long years, do u still want me.." then all of the sudden the yellow bells are nowhere to be seen.. it replaced by mango trees, coconut palms then some bougainvilleas. hoping to see another row of yellow bells but instead i saw an open cemetery. i noticed that it has no gate or whatsoever boundary that enclosed the graveyard form the street. its so open and so inviting---it cringe the hell out of me!

.......................

last night, i manage to be with Julio and visit his departed father in Danao cemetery. last year, he spent his "all soul's day" with me, when we went to cempark. so now we're even. i carry the flower that he arranged for his father while he brought the metallic painted candles, customized capiz tea lights and river stones that we're going to use to adorn their ancestral tomb. i failed to go back to Cebu city where i suppose to be on duty, i'm just damn tired to do so. my absence on the floor will make my premium and double pay on that night vanish like a wisp of smoke. but again, im too tired to care for that.

the moment we arrived at Julio's ancestral tomb, we arranged the flower, the river stones and the candles. once everything are put into place we just smile to each other, then he knock on his father's lapida (as to give reverence) and he said:

"Pa, naa akong uyab.."

......................

If time shows unkind to me, and if i shall outlive my significant other in the future. i will carry the urn of my beloved and walk towards the untainted part of a river. I will scatter some of the ashes on the flowing water and let the current carry his ashes through the sea and unto the ocean. thinking, that the sun will gather some of his remains into a cloud and when it rains---i will dance and be soaked by his presence...

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