February 29, 2004. around 9:00 pm
i went to Mactan Old bridge. it was a moonless night. i brought with me a bank book that contains all the transactions that my Father (working overseas months ago by then) transmit each time he send money from working abroad. it caused alot of house fights between my Mama and Papa, since my father always question where goes all the money that he send every month. If Mama could speak back and not just cried, she could explain that most of his earnings went to the newly constructed house that we had had, to my older brother's tuition fees and vanities, to our meager meal from day to day, and all the usual family expenses. Mama don't smoke, drink nor gamble. Most specially, she don't have any younger boyfriend. so there is no wasted centavo on that red bank book.
walking towards the middle of the bridge, i clutch it with me, then i torn it into pieces and scatter them from the top of the bridge into the sea. i could still remember how the pieces flutter into the air then fall down into the pitch black sea. they look like white butterflies flapping gently, only to be washed by murky waters. in addition, i wrote my state of being at that time. Like what are my confusions and queries that i couldn't simply grasp. I rolled the paper and slip it inside a glass vial. Still in the middle of the bridge, i watched the glass vial slipped from my hand and fell into the black water. i smiled as i see the bank book and my individual token vanish on the night of that previous leap year.
February 29, 2008. past 9:00 pm
Recently, four years had passed. i shared this with Ludo. I told him the details of what had transpired at that day. he listen intently and in return, he provide some meaning on the major elements of that scene. The most major element is water. Water can both give us life and at the same time, could bring us to death. Settling in the middle of the bridge could be standing between two opposing points so meaning I'm standing exactly at the neutral ground. Thus I'm trying to anchor myself whatever heavy burdens that i have that moment at the same time getting rid of those issues by throwing them off. i drowned these "issues", thus putting an end to it.
it made sense to me now. that experience came as an idea that just pop up into my head and thought that it would be an ideal day to do such act. i was mere 18 years old by then. and now that i'm four years older from that certain day, i'm wondering what are my issues that i consider to face and not to throw them off yet:
- first, my parents don't have a decent place to live. Our house was sold and they're renting a small place to settle in. Because of that, i'm itching to go abroad and earn euro/pound/dollars. Even if it means that i need to be a waitress, house keeper, or a milk maid... why not? (so pathetic)
- second, i still don't have the bachelor's degree for my course (Fine Arts). for that, i couldn't take the 18 Education units, a pre-requisite for me to professionally teach Arts. I need to work my ass off to fund my education and i fear i'm getting older as i'm typing this blog. still, i'm dreaming to be a professional art teacher someday.
- third, Julio is planning to go south--- in MIndanao, he also have some things that he needs to accomplish and only God knows when he will be back in Cebu. So there come's my longest and spectacular relationship so far.
- lastly, my friends. Vera, Russ, Chai and Yen. I'm still wondering what really keep us together. like an invisible magnet that keep us bonded, i'm wondering what that certain factor that we eventually unite. Even if we have all those mood swings and tantrums, we keep on trying to be together. sometimes i could grasp, sometimes i don't. i don't i even know why i consider this an issue. we just need eachother as well as we need to be on our own sometimes. i think i'm getting nonsense.
have a night everyone...