one thing that strucks me over and over again is when i feel alone.. there are alot of times in the past and even until now when i have this feeling; to be so lonely. And sure does--- it pains to be all by yourself.
i've been a loner ever since. somehow the notion of constantly with people or with someone chokes me. so i manage to take refuge with a mug of coffee, a novel and more likely a bus ticket to nowhere.
i remmembered one instant, i was severely depressed at that time with this college crush of mine for four years, that the first thing that comes into my decision is to travel to the tip most of the island, so after several hours heading south bound, i find myself at Santander. With a view of a distant mountain and a wide span of the sea, i wonder why is that i'm so alone when alot of people feel so alone too.
In that very moment when i'm wailing my heart out, someone might be or should i say "surely" weeping in his room, a guy alone in the bar drowning his heart out or a guy sticking a gun on his throat and finally blow his mind off after realizing that nobody loves him or cares about him.
whoa, like hey, everyone is needing a somebody yet there's no bond getting into place. does it need to take a desperate move to be loved?
and i would answer yes.
exactly one year and eight months ago, i'm a searchee in the internet. drawing my chances of getting a pair. i logged in to a gay site hoping to find my luck. not contented on meeting just once i set a date for 4 guys in the same day. BUT nobody really tickles my heart, it just that in my experience it didn't work out. so i gave up the idea and stroll around in a mall. wandering aimlessly with a portable hot tea in hand, i sip the bitter circumstance that i had. until one snap of a moment struck me: for hundreds of people crossing my path, my attention get focused on this guy who happened to be also staring at me. cool huh, but i thought that: " ok, another cute passerby" he is with his barkada so the chance of him getting to know me is slim. so i erase the notion for a while. but! our paths cross again' and this time i want to grab the opportunity once and for all and boom!
it seems like a scene in a surreal movie when the whole surrounding fades off and all you could sense is that here's the two of you getting to know each other and bond for the very first time.
to cut it all short, we click and i'm toying the idea of dead gay couples getting "kilig" of what we've been through. i can swear that those years of being so lonely and managing to cope with the emotional traumas in the past---paids off atlast.
to julio, who find my heart some veins to cling into, pumping me with red ecstacy and finaly took my dreary heart a temporary home. thank you.. i'm really grateful that i found you at that certain place at that certain time.
and let bjork sing: all is full of love