Friday, February 29, 2008

there goes another leap day

February 29, 2004. around 9:00 pm

i went to Mactan Old bridge. it was a moonless night. i brought with me a bank book that contains all the transactions that my Father (working overseas months ago by then) transmit each time he send money from working abroad. it caused alot of house fights between my Mama and Papa, since my father always question where goes all the money that he send every month. If Mama could speak back and not just cried, she could explain that most of his earnings went to the newly constructed house that we had had, to my older brother's tuition fees and vanities, to our meager meal from day to day, and all the usual family expenses. Mama don't smoke, drink nor gamble. Most specially, she don't have any younger boyfriend. so there is no wasted centavo on that red bank book.

walking towards the middle of the bridge, i clutch it with me, then i torn it into pieces and scatter them from the top of the bridge into the sea. i could still remember how the pieces flutter into the air then fall down into the pitch black sea. they look like white butterflies flapping gently, only to be washed by murky waters. in addition, i wrote my state of being at that time. Like what are my confusions and queries that i couldn't simply grasp. I rolled the paper and slip it inside a glass vial. Still in the middle of the bridge, i watched the glass vial slipped from my hand and fell into the black water. i smiled as i see the bank book and my individual token vanish on the night of that previous leap year.

February 29, 2008. past 9:00 pm

Recently, four years had passed. i shared this with Ludo. I told him the details of what had transpired at that day. he listen intently and in return, he provide some meaning on the major elements of that scene. The most major element is water. Water can both give us life and at the same time, could bring us to death. Settling in the middle of the bridge could be standing between two opposing points so meaning I'm standing exactly at the neutral ground. Thus I'm trying to anchor myself whatever heavy burdens that i have that moment at the same time getting rid of those issues by throwing them off. i drowned these "issues", thus putting an end to it.

it made sense to me now. that experience came as an idea that just pop up into my head and thought that it would be an ideal day to do such act. i was mere 18 years old by then. and now that i'm four years older from that certain day, i'm wondering what are my issues that i consider to face and not to throw them off yet:

  • first, my parents don't have a decent place to live. Our house was sold and they're renting a small place to settle in. Because of that, i'm itching to go abroad and earn euro/pound/dollars. Even if it means that i need to be a waitress, house keeper, or a milk maid... why not? (so pathetic)
  • second, i still don't have the bachelor's degree for my course (Fine Arts). for that, i couldn't take the 18 Education units, a pre-requisite for me to professionally teach Arts. I need to work my ass off to fund my education and i fear i'm getting older as i'm typing this blog. still, i'm dreaming to be a professional art teacher someday.
  • third, Julio is planning to go south--- in MIndanao, he also have some things that he needs to accomplish and only God knows when he will be back in Cebu. So there come's my longest and spectacular relationship so far.
  • lastly, my friends. Vera, Russ, Chai and Yen. I'm still wondering what really keep us together. like an invisible magnet that keep us bonded, i'm wondering what that certain factor that we eventually unite. Even if we have all those mood swings and tantrums, we keep on trying to be together. sometimes i could grasp, sometimes i don't. i don't i even know why i consider this an issue. we just need eachother as well as we need to be on our own sometimes. i think i'm getting nonsense.

have a night everyone...

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

of classroom key and a close encounter with a well



one of the earliest memory of being responsible is when i was in my 5th grade. since i always garner the title: early bird, i was assigned to keep our classroom key. So i am expected to be in the class as early as possible and let nobody waiting outside. one morning, i wake up so late that i hurry to take a bath and fix myself to go to school. surely, my classmates are waiting outside and worse, if my teacher is among them.

our water system in our town is not as sophisticated as the developed urban areas. so we don't have faucet to gather water, instead we have man dug traditional wells. we have our own personal well by the backyard and i hurriedly place my toiletries. i usually hear the echo of my own voice each time i fetch some water or try to peek through my own reflection. but at that time, i just let the bucket filled with water and try to pull the string that connects to it and pour the water into my pail. the string usually have knots so that it is easier to lift the bucket up.

the gurgling sound due to the impact of the bucket reverberates through the dark chamber of the well. the pail is about half full when i realize that the string is too short (due to too many knots) that i need to lower my body slightly for me to get some more water. Unfortunately, when i'm about to raise the bucket, i stepped unto my soap dish and the weight of the water filled bucket pulls me into the well.

togsh!

i could still remember the sight of the bottom of the well getting closer to my face. i bump into it head first. it was pit dark and i could feel gush of water flowing through my ears. all those times, i thought the water in the well is just static. that it comes clear naturally. but underneath is a current of underground water.

getting out of the well is much horrible when the time i crashed into it. i remember the mossy wall and the choking tunnel like space. i felt like an ant trapped in an ignored used tumbler. it might be the reason why i'm quite claustrophobic due to that trauma. thinking i just survived a spine tingling accident.

after that close encounter with a well, i still manage to go to school with alot of bondages on my head. talking about punctuality...

what the heck!

dead ears



i learned how to swim when i was 9 years old. my family just migrated to Bantayan Island at that time. Since i was a city boy by then, i'm so engrossed with the beach. regular exposure to the sea not just turns my skin into dark tan but also i learn how to swim. i first learn how to swim with the "doggie" style, then free style, then later on the chest style. every time i ran out of breath, i simply switch to back stroke position and just float. my buoyancy is so immense that i could float normally as my lungs deflate and expanse on the water. during that moment when my ears are immersed in water and i hardly hear the surrounding due to lack of sound waves (unless there's a dolphin or any sonar relying aquatic animal which uses echolocation nearby). In that sense, it seems my ears are dead.

i could sense that the world is so different when your ears are dead. or the background sounds didn't match what you see. it's like altered empirical sensation. the Japanese deaf/mute girl in the movie "Babylon" snippets appears to my head, as she experience going to a disco club where
partyphile dance like crazy and she saw them as if in a music video which the sound setting turns mute.

floating, the protruded portion of my face feels the shivering breeze, yet my body cradled by the warm water. i could clearly see the vast luminous sky. i could pinpoint some of the astrological constellation and within inches from my perspective, i could see the moon threatened by the dark clouds that are about to swallow her. again, my ears are numb and hear nothing but the murmurs of the sea. if only underwater ipod is invented, i would listen to Bjork's "joga". i darn love that song, it's the first mp3 that i downloaded in my playlist. the saltiness permeated into my skin, filling every skin pores and unto my being. my eyelashes barely fight back the sting, useless unlike the fish without it. it is such time when i feel vulnerable, off the edge, scared yet comforted at the same time. it is a heightened experience when you could drown yourself from reality for a moment. sort of temporary bliss i suppose.

my eyes still wide open, i tried to immerse myself completely into the water until the vision of the moon blurred and my whole self swallowed into complete nothingness. finally, i could hear something clear at this time. 'twas my own heartbeat.



another shot puhlease...



every once in awhile, i get drunk.

drinking for me is a matter of a need to take some shots and the occasion that it calls for. i have that usual itch to grab the shot glass and take my turn in a circle of
"tagay-tagay". there are also times when, i rather let the ice dilute my alcoholic concoction. But these occasions usually leads me to get drunk.

my threshold for my tolerance for alcohol (let say by taking it in less than an hour sitting) would be estimated by the following proportions of these beverages:

3 stallion of red horse = tipsy
1.5 liter of red horse = wasted and vomiting
1/2 pitcher of strawberry margarita = tipsy
1/2 pitcher of strawberry margarita and 1 set of red horse = wasted and vomiting
3 shots of rum coke = tipsy
1/2 l
apad of tanduay with no chaser = drunk
5 shots of dry gin with lime = drunk

---something like that. and just like anybody else, i go nuts when i'm drunk. although i really tried to be sober at first but given with cool company and cool atmosphere, i get wild sometimes. i remember one crazy night when i strip tease to a disco club. i was around 15 by then and i saw my crush dancing with a girl. and so to catch his attention, i unzip my fly and tried to expose a bit of my muffiny butt and feel the music. and so then my friends told me that everybody in the dance floor is looking at it---shock! so i grab my pants up. yayks! when i woke up the next day, remembering it turns my face blue due to embarrassment. tsk! tsk!

there was also one time at a beach party, when most of the guys are half naked. my sexual hormones rise up as i could feel the alcohol drown my conscious mind. i spot this guy whose hunk enough to keep your eyes open for hours without blinking and do the dirty dancing with him. it comes to point that i trace his bumps then move much closer to him until i could smell his body, moist with masculinity. he was sizzling like hell . and to quench my fleshly desires i lick his huge biceps unto his contoured chest and finally spot his taut nipples. and all of the sudden we are bathed with the spotlight and we became visible to every partyphile. as if a cold water splashed into our body, he repelled and try to get lost with the crazy crowd. i don't know if it was because of the light that scared him off or is it because it dawned to him that he's frolicking with a another "man". ohhh no. tsk2x, that time, i searched around for another shot.

mostly i wake up all by myself complaining with a hangover. there are times when i'm in somebody else's place. no i haven't woke up with a guy naked and wondering if we had sex or not. sorry, i haven't experienced that "sex in the city" drama yet. but i have alot of experiences waking up by the seashore.

i love getting drunk by the beach, it is less intoxicating. unlike in a bar wherein you'll suffocate with cigarette smoke filled room which makes your eyes burn and teary. when you're by the shore, you could see the moon with such clarity and the stars will swirl around her. its like a humongous disco light. then you could run until you fly and then you could dance with the waves. after you got knock off and when you wake up the next day, the hangover is less severe. and you'll never swear to yourself: "i'll never drink again"...

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Gugma sa Leapyear (RED BRAIN perspective)



RED BRAIN when was the last time when the five of us had a group picture? -'twas ages!

Finally, the five of us reunite as we take part for WILA's "Gugma sa Leap Year".

Vera and Chai who are WILA (women in literary arts) fellows, read their pieces as well as they perform for the event. Yen covers the literary rendezvous as she bring along her colleagues from ABS. While Me and Russ do separate opening solo performance to spark up the platform.

We were tapped by WILA core member and acting main organizer: Bambi Beltran and we are glad that somehow due to this event, the five of us were combined together.

We had a lot of great moments that night and certainly had a blast!

All God's Children Can Dance



it's one of the six short stories in Murakami's "After the Quake".

it started with a young curious man following a doctor whom he thought to be his father. Born from a deeply rooted Christian mother, he kept on thinking that he's the son of God for all these years until his innards told him otherwise. For me, the author covers or rather scrutinize the radical Christian faith wherein dogmatic beliefs are sponged with heavenly conviction, loopholes and flaws---an absolute parallelism of what is divine and what it is to be human. Yet Murakami was able to support both clashes so strong that each side is so convincing. The story is so fluid that i can consider it as a reminiscent of Virginia Woolf's sketches.

this short story was even adapted into a film by US. Director Robert Logevall.

yet another Murakami masterpiece..

Wild Sheep Chase




Definitely a tough book. It keeps me awhile to read through the passages and the metaphor of Murakami's un/intentional messages of this book. the storyline is so simple yet manages to stir up what's real, metaphysical or illusionary.

It is an independent novel however most of its plot can be traced on its descendant novels as it is considered as the last part of the "trilogy of the rat".

I also noticed that one of the peculiar character that occur in the later part of the novel happen to be present in one of his book that i also read: Dance, Dance, dance. later i found out that the latter book is actually a sequel of the former one.

Provocative, titillating and absolutely unpredictable.. Hail to Murakami

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

what it feels like for a gurl..




Androgyny has always been and always be surprises mass media.

Viva Glam has Boy George as one of the endorser of their cosmetic product. in films, John Travolta had wowed the audience for his portrayal as one of the character in the movie "hairspray". then just recently a bearded muse became one of the interviewer in New York fashion week and even commended by Tyra Banks in her show.

Even long ago, the need for male performers to be versatile are very much needed and does require mature audience to see things not just "as it is" but also to try to think outside the box. theater actors portrait woman's character and mostly taken such admiration in Shakespearean acts . Sagi Musume (Heron Maiden), one of the several famous kabuki performance in Japan, mostly was even played by one of the best male performer Tamasaburo.

It always challenge me to merge two roles at the same time and completely get out of the concept of effeminacy or masculinity. i want this provocative aura each time i present myself with people specially in a performance. it might be because I'm gay and always wondering "what if I'm a girl" that leads me to venture on cross dressing. But it is actually the love to perform, the love to act and the passion to dance that made me venture in so many roles and images as i do my presentation.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

all is full of love

one thing that strucks me over and over again is when i feel alone.. there are alot of times in the past and even until now when i have this feeling; to be so lonely. And sure does--- it pains to be all by yourself.


i've been a loner ever since. somehow the notion of constantly with people or with someone chokes me. so i manage to take refuge with a mug of coffee, a novel and more likely a bus ticket to nowhere.


i remmembered one instant, i was severely depressed at that time with this college crush of mine for four years, that the first thing that comes into my decision is to travel to the tip most of the island, so after several hours heading south bound, i find myself at Santander. With a view of a distant mountain and a wide span of the sea, i wonder why is that i'm so alone when alot of people feel so alone too.


In that very moment when i'm wailing my heart out, someone might be or should i say "surely" weeping in his room, a guy alone in the bar drowning his heart out or a guy sticking a gun on his throat and finally blow his mind off after realizing that nobody loves him or cares about him.
whoa, like hey, everyone is needing a somebody yet there's no bond getting into place. does it need to take a desperate move to be loved?


and i would answer yes.


exactly one year and eight months ago, i'm a searchee in the internet. drawing my chances of getting a pair. i logged in to a gay site hoping to find my luck. not contented on meeting just once i set a date for 4 guys in the same day. BUT nobody really tickles my heart, it just that in my experience it didn't work out. so i gave up the idea and stroll around in a mall. wandering aimlessly with a portable hot tea in hand, i sip the bitter circumstance that i had. until one snap of a moment struck me: for hundreds of people crossing my path, my attention get focused on this guy who happened to be also staring at me. cool huh, but i thought that: " ok, another cute passerby" he is with his barkada so the chance of him getting to know me is slim. so i erase the notion for a while. but! our paths cross again' and this time i want to grab the opportunity once and for all and boom!


we talk..


it seems like a scene in a surreal movie when the whole surrounding fades off and all you could sense is that here's the two of you getting to know each other and bond for the very first time.
to cut it all short, we click and i'm toying the idea of dead gay couples getting "kilig" of what we've been through. i can swear that those years of being so lonely and managing to cope with the emotional traumas in the past---paids off atlast.


to julio, who find my heart some veins to cling into, pumping me with red ecstacy and finaly took my dreary heart a temporary home. thank you.. i'm really grateful that i found you at that certain place at that certain time.


and let bjork sing: all is full of love

Saturday, February 09, 2008

follow your heart..

underpinnings of love;

when the heart is at lost, finaly found or might be searching around.

you are invited =)

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

freedom day


















four years had passed since i declared my first Freedom Day. since then it became a tradition or a reminder that once i acknowledge those nonsense confusion I've been through and shrug it all off.

i can't believe it's been almost a half decade since i had that turning point. i admit i had had an experience of identity crises, shaky self esteem and being doubtful of my ability. with all the support of my new found colleagues and friends around me at that time, they able to encourage me to become who i am suppose to be as they change my perspective in how should i look my life, and I'm just quite amazed how i able to overcome such self inflected issue.

looking back, i just can't resist opening my previous notes from my friends. and just smile every time i remembered all those silly moments I've been through. nonetheless, I'm more than grateful for those years since it made me a better person than i could ever think of.


let there be FREEDOM.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

wading through murky waters

try to wade through murky waters, and clearly see your path towards sanity..

Friday, February 01, 2008

xo? performance art night

performance art that conveys freedom from any burden, discrimination and confinement. It is in line with the xo? performance theme: itlog (or an egg).

I render Bjork's Declare Independence to coincide my art statement and ala rythmic gymnastic presentation.

Happened at Tapas Lounge, Crossroads Banilad Cebu. January 30 2008

ps:

this was video was obviously taken using a camphone. It has low resolution plus the place is not wide enough to take a good angle. Video critics, pardon me.

a cup of sweetened semen

for some weird reason,

my cup of coffee this morning seems to taste like sweetened semen.

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