Monday, March 02, 2009

it hits me again

i thought im feeling ok now, trying to tell myself: "i'll be alright"

but the sinking feeling hits me again. like a big wave crumble a sand castle without warning. i had a perfect weekend. i went snorkeling as my new colleagues played poker in our 1st team outing. after that (even if i haven't slept for more than 24 hours) i was able to meet vera, did catch up with each other over coffee. we listened to The Beatles in her U2 edition iPod (darn thing, makasuya!) while waiting for russ and the three of us partied in a dominantly straight club. had booze, smoke and dance as if we are making an MTV video.

we proceeded to a videoke lounge. Russ have a thing for "The killers" but got frustrated since the song book didn't include any of their songs, instead half of it are catered for koreans. (uuuh? what the hell!) He later settled for alternative rock as vera and i went into rock and roll trance. Vera went for Britney while i sang the Quando, quando, quando. As we're about to pay our bill, the lady in the counter demanded for the song book, the remote control and their tetrahedron menu to be returned---in such authoritative voice. what? why can't their staff get it? we are busy said she, with her eyes rolling as a matter of fact. after our frustrations and experiencing a bad customer service, we went back to the room that we occupied and we make a mess out of everything we can put our hands on. the result: as if a storm passed by. I went out for a cig to calm my nerves down, laughing between puffs. let vera and russ manage to finish the counter strike with the lady (i can imagine russ screaming at her, "by the way betch, fuck you! fuck you! FUCK YOU!" just like kelly). Ei russ, im watching the videos now. makaboang =)

after post midnight dinner, the three of us end up at russ' place and watch The Revolutionary Road. i watched most of it bymyself since both of them are sleepy. I think that's the moment when it started. It flashes all my deep-seeded issues. I tried to brush it off. as the three of us parted. i'm preoccupied with the scenes my mind keep on flashing. i need to blurt it out. or else..

I think only russ whom i can talk to about it. but he can't be reached, he's phone is either dead or he turned it off on purpose. i don't know. i just know that i don't feel fine. i want to sleep it over thinking it might fade off. but it bothers me more. it started with a minute pang, then it grows and grow until i feel like bursting. i went out in the middle of the night trying to find peace of mind. with a book in hand i went to a coffee shop in asia town IT park. my old school remedy doesn't work anymore, instead i feel restless and much sadder. i went online to find somebody to relate to but only found horny shallow fags. there was this one whose decent enough to invite me to have dinner with him next weekend. but i want something now. i logged off from that site before we exchanged numbers. i ended up browsing to my fave porn sites. got horny and to wash my pent up gay lust, i jack off over malachi's video.

i admit, somehow it feels good. darn!

so here i am. nabuntagan intawn. It's monday morning

I'll try to feel better.

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