i'll keep on waiting

how bitter it is that all I can do now

is wait and wait

even when all feelings inside me are like scenes of dusk

-Yukino Houjon

empress of Cheshire Cats

Chai

huka ra sha

aduna koy mga pangandoy
sa matag-adlaw
nga kanunay kong gi'panalangin

mga matang bahin pinansyal, seguridad
kalinaw sa among pamilya,
ug labaw sa tanan
mga matang bahin sa gugma.

i'yam-yam ko ang
psalmo byente-tres
aron dili naku makalimtan
nga ako:
wala gibiyaan

mga pangandoy sa matag-adlaw
baktason aron makamtan
ug hinaot sa matag lakang
dili mahisaag ug dili mawagtang

*huka ra sha
ba ra ba
yah ree sharee
shante kave salve
ba ra ba



* i also have this tendency to do "tongues" specially for things, feelings or whatever idea which are too deep or too intense to put into words..

descanse en paz

Liyo: Ver; which do you prefer, happiness or peace?

Veruschka: Peace


(a conversation with Veruschka way back in our college days)

7 lives left

russ found this card on a river, he picked it up and gave it to me as he said: "leo, you have 9 lives"

i simply smiled and this thought came across my mind: i already died twice

the right to be folly

Art raises its head where creeds relax.

-Friedrich Nietzsche

vera went to carmen

...

washed away

currently, i find myself only digesting works from murakami. i've a lot of attempt to read other books authored by somebody else but i have a hard time trying to keep my pace on finishing the whole book. for that, two years had passed and all the books that i can mention are short stories and novels done by him.

so far, this is my latest: Kafka on the Shore

i've read the first few pages on my way home from work. i'm stuck in the dusty jam-packed road along Banilad highway and it itches me to flip even just the cover.

i'm glad i still have this appreciation to books as what i had way back in high school when i first started to like reading. i even give justice to every novels that i've read which is to finish them in a coffee shop.

finishing this book, gave me this temporary moon struck. although this one, compared to his other books, have this vague or let say weak resolution in the end--- but threads of unspeakable memories disgorged out from the labyrinth of my being just the way his other works had an effect on me.

Everytime that i come across to this book in my room (dusty and wrinkled); the book, the plot together with its characters, always reminds me of a seaweed washed away on a shore. Once a part of the vast community of weeds, it has been uprooted and remain alone with its journey to wherever the current pushes it. This lonely floating weed might have came across with magnificent creatures and wonderful seascape until it finally reach the shore and retired with the emptry shells and pebbles on the sand.

It might look so dried up and battered, but imagine the experience this seaweed went through compared to those remained deeply rooted.

where have all the sheeps gone?

There are countless times when i struggled to sleep to the extend i psyche myself to doze off.

like:

i drool my eyes over and force a yawn. voluntarily have this prolonged breathing 'till my heartbeat slows down then i faintly said to myself:

"oh no, i'm getting sleepy now... oh.. oh my... my world is spinning and i'm swallowed in a whirlpool..."

---but usually, it doesn't work.

(a post from my micro journal dated July 10, 2005)

Adele singing "daydreamer" on Jools Holland (live)

to Julio, my human thimble...

recently

*i kept on looking at the wall clock, checking how much time i slept, what can i do at this hour, or what should i do to maximise my free time. i kept on looking at the wall clock to know how much remaining hours left before I'll go to work.

*i realized there's no brewed coffee that could really perk me up in town, it needs an extra shot of espresso to lift me up---is it because i got higher tolerance to caffeine now, or most coffee shop around the city are getting bland due to continuous price inflation?

i also noticed that a mug of coffee is more or less 25% more expensive compared last year and the quality of coffee they serve is not really that "Hmn..."

come to think of it. a Php 99.00 worth of caffeine filled beverage is 90% water---it seems i'm paying for experiencing the place and not i'm purchasing for.

*I wish we could have huge libraries in town (just like the ones in Japan) wherein one can browse 24/7 and can even drowse off and take a shower. I really have this bad experience in a public library located along Osmeña Blvd. that the assigned librarian at that time won't allow to turn on the lights (even if the room is really dark that you need an infra red eyes to read) since her daughter is watching a cartoon program using the library facilities---such a way to use government taxes!

talking about taxes, i got around 3k worth of tax deduction for the last 30 days---such amount could be purchased a(n) MP3 player for my younger brother whose bugging me about it since last xmas... tsk!

escape

i thought beaches are sizzling only for the month of March, April then MAy.. But we had our Company GA at MAribago Blue Waters just this early June. Ok fine, whatever. so i went and savored the moment.. click here are some of the snippets..

....

i really don't know if i could consider myself as an escapist. i also need further self evaluation to measure how serious i am on dealing with my personal issues. But i usually do spur of the moments just to break of from routinary living.

* last May 31. just to end the month, i went midtown on my lunch break at work. Had my hair done, grab an ice cream and went window shopping in a span of three hours---without my supervisor knowing it. i get the best laugh when i returned to my station.

*I'm suppose to wait my turn in a certain diner, the server was so freaking slow. while she bustle around the kitchen and had her daily buzz, i munch on their pika-pika (servings of lumpia shanghai, chicken lollipop and a piece of brownies). when she come back and i payed my order, i gave her a warm smile as i told her "keep the change"

*i had this spanish/german/filipino crush not so long time ago. we sort of date before. but now, he got a new boyfriend. one time while strolling at SM northwing, i got a sight of them together. first i just shrug it off and smile as they passed me by, then my cool faded as my inner triumph vanished. i hide to a nearest establishment and it so happen it's a "dollar restaurant". i feast myself on a piece of cake which cost 1 week worth of fare allowance. darn!

back to zero

i munch codes and numbers every day.

i got to type my passwords everyday and change them once in every 45 days before i could access my online tools. I got to deal with billing disputes from my beloved customers and calculate their balances that are long due. i memorized all the pricing and discounts together with the proper codes that need to be attached to apply the necessary features. i'm quite familiar with my own monthly bills too and billing statements. I'm an artist in my own little way but i do believe I'm also good in math.

i could digest all of the numbers but this one choke me up:

i lost my phone number.

i got it with me for four years. four years worth of contacts and four years worth of treasured messages. at first i thought, its just another number. but every time i reload my airtime minutes, it took me a moment to jot down the number, i need to grab my phone and search for it. if somebody asked me what's my contact number---i just grimace and ask their numbers instead just not to prolong the agony. I can't imagine how many messages that was intended to be sent to my inbox will get lost in mid air. its like going back to being mediocre agent and not able to read through the matrix... instead of finding meaning i only see series of 0's and 1's. lost in a broad weave of modern communication---it's going back to zero.