CRV,

ey guys’

i'm glad we are, in a sense, all ok.

inline with russ' list most of them (if not all) were checked if i consider them as a checklist

i should be grateful for all the things i've been through

it just that sometimes, i tend to forget them

especially the holistic trauma i just had recently

so it's all about claiming them back.


given with the liberty to pick the top three lines  that i embraced the most, here they are:


27. I am confronting myself and this world every day and choosing life

choosing warmth, choosing light, choosing love


3. Realized I am one lucky son of b*tch.  4.all of us are, vera-liyo-chai-me


12. Embraced my eternal soul


and here's a one-line that i'm afraid of losing:


7. MAGIC. I believe in magic again.


ur emails sent last weekend somehow extended the "weekend feeling" on this monday shift, but there was this thought that keeps on bugging me recently and i hope u don’t mind me telling u this since, again, you guys are the only one who can deal this kind of thoughts and conversation.

recently, one of my close friends died of pneumonia a week after his 28th bday, that kinda shook my inner core. he's one of those friends who are in a way spent good ol’ times when “we” chai-liyo-russ-vera are not together, flashbacks of happy faces, laughter + good music in the air and vivid scenes flooded my mind then, in a snap, it slowly seeps in like that moment when u feel ur body is drawn into dark murky water when ur about to sleep. He’s gone. the idea of having infinite possibilities of good times has now come to a halt. And in a snap, i thought about the four of us, in a way still relieved that we are still alive.

And I haven’t cried so much in my life at that time.

 something faded in me since then, as if my shadow turned a little less black. retrieving those good memories, as, methinks, that all the good times that i am supposed to have are now numbered. a ballistic motion. that's why my opening email is about us going to catmon.

i felt that it was one of the highlights of our companionship/friendship that can never be erased from our collective memories.. and i have this thinking that our next get together, for me, it would be just afterglows since i have reached the primetime with u guys the moment I’ve been with u on the 10th year of our “friendship”.

i have this feeling i can only share with you 20 years of my life, because i only have less than a decade to live. call it paranoia or whatever but something in me and the universe tells me i will die before i turn 40. although i asked the universe to give me up until 50 and nobody will die from us in the line of 30's but we can never be sure of anything.

i can remember some of us having this "committing suicide" attacks

i have this "i think i'm gonna die soon" attack

and i have no one else to talk about it.

it would be nice if the four of us are together and will talk about this endlessly over beer and cigarette so some of you will personally say: "ingani mani gud ley.." , "kaybaw ka, mao ni ang sakto.."


and you all know how i love listening to your opinions, as it matters more than reading wikihow online.

But let’s chill. I haven’t lost the will to live, it just that I feel I’m in the dark

And forgetting that once I’m a light bearer.


I still have this inner voice, though less louder than before:


..i still have this spark that i just need to turn back into flame.

i'm not completely turned into ashes.

 

*hugs*


sail on,
liyo

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and then you wrote:

"i don't feel anything special about you anymore."

transitory

Just recently, it's almost every day that i ride the mrt from qc since the day i was assigned in mckinley. unlike before, i usually ride the mrt only during weekends ---and not during rush hours. now i realized how hard it is for those who need to commute during these times. but one thing that i like riding the mrt is the randomness of your co passengers. and i admit i really like it when i chance to ride beside a cute guy.


all of us has this "my type" kind of guy - earlier he happened to be right beside me. i was listening to jlo's "first love" when i noticed he is fixing his hair on the glass window. in my head, i wanna say: "lemme fix that for you". he was smiling and saying something and i thought he was responding to the voices inside my head, i took off my earphone and he is actually talking to his colleague on his other side. i really like his eyes (which is my weakness), his side burns and a subtle waft of his underarm deo while he is toying with his hair.

i could melt right there and then. i could only wish we were commuting sweethearts who are heading to our respective offices in makati together, having an early morning chat while ignoring the pressing crowd inside the train. but he is a station further and as soon as the sliding doors opened where i need to exit, my wishful thoughts snap off. i did my final glimpse of him and in my head i could only say: "goodbye babe, hope to see you again."