31/05
-i thought everything is getting better but some challenges keep on coming my way. Our stipend from school is not yet credited and my landlady forgot about returning my room deposit. I haven't booked my hostel in Barcelona. But those doesn't stop me from simply go on and have a great trip.
I can sense my summer break is coming. I've got to feel it. Life is too short for problems.
May 29-30
-last day in my room. After thorough cleaning and preparing my luggage, after almost a year of my stay here in collado Villalba, i was able to see in a glance which things i need to let go and need to keep.
-talked with vera and russ and told them about how i appreciate this school year as i was able to work with children and how magical their minds are. I'm able to practice my ma/paternal instincts through my students.
28/05
-my last day at school for this academic year. Also my last for my auxiliar de conversación program from education ministry partnership with Philippines. Hugged the teachers who are close to me: Lara, Giz, Delia and Marina. Will miss the hugs and the laughters of my students
-manique night. Kate gave me parting gifts and laughed all the way to the night
-late night dinner with paula and pablo in a burger shop
26-27/05
-im getting excited and tense at the same time with my transition this summmer and hopefully i will get a stable job and place when i get back here in madrid for the next school year.
-last week with my class in miguel de cervantes and simply enjoy and have a very unfiltered moment with my kids. laugh and bond with them. there was a time i cried laughing when i play with them in their PE class. it was a joyous moment.
25/05
-just had another wonderful talk with russ on how we navigate through migrational pain, the nostalgia of leaving family friends and community and how we shooting down roots. we end up with this 5 bead prayer in the resonance of his singing bowl.
24/05
-finally after two weeks of not seeing maximino we meet again and had great sex. we had massage and after i told him about my absence for three months. i felt a pang of sadness between us.
23/05
-revisited the crusing area in lago and reallly had a blast. it was like doing it agin in UP Dil or along riverbanks in the philippines. but this time im doing it with spanish and latinos. i had two one on one encounters and capped it with a sultry threesome when i had a tremendous orgasm. my weeks of abstinence got satiated
22/05
-i felt the sudden depression, a sort of grieving for leaving my place here in collado villalba. i cannot hardly get out of bed and just simply loving my room.
-finally explored lago. and experienced an open site cruising area. saw hot actions and also get lucky with two guys, specially this hot handsome biker who licked my ass and fucked me with his huge cock.
-almost got lost in the fields. but it was a marvelous sight. moments like this makes me feel alive. my location is getting crazy with gmap and im getting lowbat good thing i was able to make it back to moncloa.
19-21/05
-went hiking to cercedilla with the grade 2A&B. had a great time with Marren the other kids specially Victoria who saved my life from falling into the abyss ^_^
it was a long 5 hour trek and i got late from my prior commitment in segovia
-was able to make it in segovia and attended the digital rise seminar. met co filipinos and made connections. had an instant friend named Kate who is from Cebu as well.
18/05
-rewatched interstellar
for the 2nd time and had so much interpretaion specially about warping myself into seing myself from an old self. that triggered me with the pair of eyes of this professor in CEIP miguel de cervantes, when she looks at me with such depth and understanding as if i am loooking the younger version of myself from exactly from her age
also this migration is sort of going to a different planet. talking to my family via messenger is like transmitting messages back to earth back to home. i've been here for a year and half but each month feelis like years. time relativity, it is.
also the weird feeling that what if this journal is not me writing it but it's the other way around, what if these writings were already writen and use as a prompt for me to live my life
. ok way too much strangeness but who knows
time for me to sleep.
16-17/05
-meet up with the gurly pops, kate and joana paula. we went into this secret hidden park, which was too crowded due to an IG post. then we went to el retiro and sol. we really had a great time and even had some banters. it reminds me of when have some argument with russ, vera and chai. before i walk out, but now i mannage to sit with it and simply ackowledge the feeling and simply apologize
-went to a pay as you can vintage bookstore i had a memoir of this spanish military spy named alonso de contreras for 5 eur. im feeling so freiren here
-we capped the night with a free event at sol for the san isidro
13-15/05
-the challenges keeps on going. now with sim and whatsapp.. it's crazy... from one issue to another. and having this huawei gms problem makes me want to throw away the phone. if only this doesnt have good camera. i wouldn't keep this
-i was able to receive my sanitaria assitancia which is good for 5 years and received my vulnerability cert, so now my requirements are complete for the amnesty program.. such joy. it feels like im getting some great things happening for me.
-it took me past midnight til i submitted my amnesty application and requirements online. it's very nerve wrecking. but i hope this will somehow answer all my migration burdens. i demand for breakthrough.
12/05
-so far this the most challenging trial i ever got.
today i encounter a lot of suspense thriller in asking for help.. sim card, transpo to madrid, so i can activate my phone and access my online bank
finally i was able set up my phone (after many trials, huawei issue) and access my apps.
i have this so much stress it feels like i have this adrenaline rush for emergency. now i know the feeling of those people, who lets say, their houses are burning.. cause i felt like a its a life death experience if i can fix this or not. specially with my payables. now i also understand how these people who fell into a scam or lost so much money, they wanted to die, it is such a overwhelming experience.
also i remember this interview when stage performers stay awake until 3am after performance as they have this so much surge of adrenaline. now i had that kind of insomnia.. to the extent i only slept for 2 hours
11/05
-my obstacles are getting intense, i missed my phone delivery, my vulnerability report needs to be sent via whatsapp, still cannot access my account
...
but i simply hold on and remind myself that things are just about to get better
08-10/05
-bed rotting, as cold rainy weather throughout this weekend. also im trying to accept the nearing end of my stay here in collado villalba
-maximino is at work so i cannot see him. i don't have access to grindr so all these times since i lost my phone, he is the only one i had sex with. himala! what a miracle. im also starting to like him more despite of anything. it just that i havent told him yet about my summer gig in italy
07/05
-i just finished frieren s1 and now im off with s2.
as expected it's growing further within me. it's funny that im in my 40s and i "parralel" the trials im having as obstacles and detours in each episode. when hearing "The Story of Us" for the first time, i really cried and got overwhelmed on how meaningful this song is. i believe Milet has the ability to transcend the pain and suffering of this world and transform it into something that feels beyond the physical realm, as if finding the beauty that is lost in this world.
im so loving this feeling that even at this age, this kind of anime/neo-realism is accompanying me and tides me by.
05-06/05
-finished frieren season 1
-also watched guillermo tolentino's frankenstein and i was astounded with the impact with the impact of having a friend (with the blind man). it's also timely for me to understand generational trauma and forgiveness specially for my father
-felt really down lately, no progress on my vulnerability report, no acess to my salary, no phone, no sex encounters, no msge from maximino... but despite of it all, will hold on to my anchor phrase: suffering is my favorite past time. finding joy in suffering and be excited that, just like before, i will definitely have a breakthrough
04/05
-been overwhelemed since i cannot access my salary due to banking problem specifically due to app related due to my lost phone. now i have to borrow money for my rent and to buy a new phone (since russ' gift cannot be access without a mobile app)
it just sink in every bad things happened to me specially the night of my bday where is was robbed. (as i always brush them away with humor) and burst into tears. now i mutter and able to realize the true meaning of this saying: lintik lang ang walang ganti
-i prayed and demand for breakthrough in love, joy and abundance
01/05
my salary hasn't arrived so im stuck at home. just watching frieren. it was full moon so i went out and had a walk at the nearby farm. went out without a flashlight but since the sky is bright and also know the pathway like the back of my hand. the moon brought me back to boracay or bantayan beaches where i usually spend my labor day. i wanted to know the reason why im here in this empty farm and usually some realizations would sink in, and here they:
-"space and time". im having the priveledge of living the moment
-"my past acompanies me". like frieren, i usually have some dialogues with my previous experiences (specially with the people i've been with, ex bf etc..)
-"even though it's uncormfortable, take it slow". as youth wasted with the youngs,i can no longer want to get things go faster. im no longer getting any much younger so i want to savour every moment (specially with my irregular status and no clarity with any future job) i want to have a vivid experience of it. like having a surgery without any anesthesia
