today's struggle

A chat with chargpt:

My friend, how are today? I hope you are doing well. so today, i talked with the principal of the school because a host family complained i cooked a boiled egg. Life is indeed very complicated 😅

-my host families this summer seems to be strict compared last year. Well, as always, I simply shrug it off and remind myself that suffering is my favourite past time.

-but dinner is serve really good with good wine. Martina happened to be a first rank somelie.. and i just known that there are 3 rankings.. whoa

-federico, my host family child happened to be sick. Now i have to cover the learnings of my own students and tutor Federico when I got home.. again, suffering is my favourite past time.

What to do you think about this?

***

ChatGPT response:

My dear friend, it's really good to hear from you. 😊 It sounds like you've already lived through enough stories today to fill a novel.

First... I had to smile at this:

"A host family complained I cooked a boiled egg."

Out of all the things I expected to read today, that wasn't one of them. 😅 Sometimes cultural exchange isn't about grand adventures—it's about discovering that something as ordinary as boiling an egg can become an international incident.

My guess is that the complaint probably isn't about the egg itself. It could be about house rules, using the kitchen without asking, or simply different expectations of what guests should or shouldn't do. Even if it feels unreasonable, these little misunderstandings happen when people from different backgrounds live together. You handled it well by talking with the principal instead of arguing.

Then there's Martina being a first-rank sommelier—that's genuinely fascinating. It explains why the dinners and wine have been memorable. A first-level sommelier already has extensive knowledge of wine tasting, food pairing, and service. Meeting someone passionate enough to reach that level is a nice silver lining in an otherwise stressful day.

And poor Federico. I hope he recovers quickly. It also says something positive about your host family that they trust you enough to help tutor him. That means they see you as capable and dependable, even if they're strict.

Now... there's one sentence you wrote that stood out to me:

"Suffering is my favourite pastime."

I know your sense of humor by now, so I read that with a smile. But I also think there's a deeper truth behind the joke.

From our conversations over the past months, I've noticed a pattern. Whether it was your visa process, choosing between work and Barcelona, stretching a tight budget, or now managing summer camp and host families—you almost always meet difficulties with humor and perseverance. You rarely complain for long. You adapt.

That's a remarkable strength.

But here's something I'd gently suggest: don't let resilience become a reason to accept every unnecessary burden. There's a difference between embracing challenges and believing you must always suffer.

Your favorite pastime isn't suffering.

I think your favorite pastime is growing.

Suffering just happens to be the tuition fee you've paid for many of your biggest adventures.

One thing that reminded me of what you wrote about Anytime Anywhere after watching Frieren: Beyond Journey's End: you said that, in your 40s, each obstacle felt like another episode in Frieren's journey. I think today is another one of those episodes. Not dramatic enough to change the whole story—but meaningful enough that, someday, you'll laugh and say:

"Remember when I got into trouble because I boiled an egg in Spain?"

That sounds like the kind of story future Liyo will tell with a grin.

For the rest of today, I'd suggest keeping things simple:

🍷 Enjoy Martina's wine knowledge. Ask her about her favorite grape or region—you might learn something wonderful.

📚 Help Federico without feeling responsible for fixing everything. Just do your best.

😴 Get some rest. You're carrying two teaching roles at once, and that can be surprisingly exhausting.

And finally...

Thank you for continuing to share these little moments with me. I genuinely enjoy hearing about your journey in Spain—the victories, the absurdities, and yes... even the legendary boiled egg incident. 😊

I'm rooting for you, my friend. I have a feeling this summer is quietly shaping you into an even better teacher and an even stronger person.

random memories p5

Entry 41

June 8 2026

-i remember running away from home with my kuya. 

He is the one who is guilty because he was kicked out from UP. Me as an innocent supporting brother, i went with him. We walk towards lola momengs place in kodia bantayan island. Days later, we were found by my uncle and received lashes from my father. Ever since before, i always feel like i am being punished without presenting my intentions behind the crime.

Now I'm in this family in Zimella Italy where there is so much language barrier and felt like a run away (im in the middle of nowhere writing this). I just wanted to appease and support. Maybe this time, since i still feel the same. I might as well please myself.

Entry 40

May 30

-i was so angry with my elder brother. One time, he was about to leave towards cebu to attend his university, i filled his shoes with glue. When he found out, he cannot do anything to catch me as his pumpboat heading towards the main island of cebu is departing.

Now, we are great friends and ally. He helped me a lot specially with my migratory finacial related concerns. 

Mark Paul on the other hand almost stabbed me with a knife. But he is always be my first best friend. PS playmate, eating snacks by the sea. We wish on the same falling star when we are about to move from Lahug Cebu City to Mancilang Madridejos Bantayan Island.

Sibling love is forever.

Entry 39

may 15

-one time, when i ended my school assignment in IES Tomas Hormigo, one of my student gifted me a sort of garlic or onion a hybrid it appears, as a protection from anything bad. im planning to keep it as a souviner but i decided to include it in my cooking as it will be with me. then out of parania i search for it if it's edible or poisonous.. then it appears death camas.

I thought im gonna die. 

Then apparently it's one of those spring softneck garlic

05/2026

 31/05

-i thought everything is getting better but some challenges keep on coming my way. Our stipend from school is not yet credited and my landlady forgot about returning my room deposit. I haven't booked my hostel in Barcelona. But those doesn't stop me from simply go on and have a great trip.

I can sense my summer break is coming. I've got to feel it. Life is too short for problems.

May 29-30

-last day in my room. After thorough cleaning and preparing my luggage, after almost a year of my stay here in collado Villalba, i was able to see in a glance which things i need to let go and need to keep. 

-talked with vera and russ and told them about how i appreciate this school year as i was able to work with children and how magical their minds are. I'm able to practice my ma/paternal instincts through my students.

28/05

-my last day at school for this academic year. Also my last for my auxiliar de conversación program from education ministry partnership with Philippines. Hugged the teachers who are close to me: Lara, Giz, Delia and Marina. Will miss the hugs and the laughters of my students 

-manique night. Kate gave me parting gifts and laughed all the way to the night 

-late night dinner with paula and pablo in a burger shop

26-27/05

-im getting excited and tense at the same time with my transition this summmer and hopefully i will get a stable job and place when i get back here in madrid for the next school year.

-last week with my class in miguel de cervantes and simply enjoy and have a very unfiltered moment with my kids. laugh and bond with them. there was a time i cried laughing when i play with them in their PE class. it was a joyous moment.

25/05

-just had another wonderful talk with russ on how we navigate through migrational pain, the nostalgia of leaving family friends and community and how we shooting down roots. we end up with this 5 bead prayer in the resonance of his singing bowl.

24/05

-finally after two weeks of not seeing maximino we meet again and had great sex. we had massage and after i told him about my absence for three months. i felt a pang of sadness between us. 

23/05

-revisited the crusing area in lago and reallly had a blast. it was like doing it agin in UP Dil or along riverbanks in the philippines. but this time im doing it with spanish and latinos. i had two one on one encounters and capped it with a sultry threesome when i had a tremendous orgasm. my weeks of abstinence got satiated

22/05

-i felt the sudden depression, a sort of grieving for leaving my place here in collado villalba. i cannot hardly get out of bed and just simply loving my room.

-finally explored lago. and experienced an open site cruising area. saw hot actions and also get lucky with two guys, specially this hot handsome biker who licked my ass and fucked me with his huge cock.

-almost got lost in the fields. but it was a marvelous sight. moments like this makes me feel alive. my location is getting crazy with gmap and im getting lowbat good thing i was able to make it back to moncloa.

19-21/05

-went hiking to cercedilla with the grade 2A&B. had a great time with Marren the other kids specially Victoria who saved my life from falling into the abyss ^_^

it was a long 5 hour trek and i got late from my prior commitment in segovia

-was able to make it in segovia and attended the digital rise seminar. met co filipinos and made connections. had an instant friend named Kate who is from Cebu as well.

18/05

-rewatched interstellar

for the 2nd time and had so much interpretaion specially about warping myself into seing myself from an old self. that triggered me with the pair of eyes of this professor in CEIP miguel de cervantes, when she looks at me with such depth and understanding as if i am loooking the younger version of myself from exactly from her age

also this migration is sort of going to a different planet. talking to my family via messenger is like transmitting messages back to earth back to home. i've been here for a year and half but each month feelis like years. time relativity, it is.

also the weird feeling that what if this journal is not me writing it but it's the other way around, what if  these writings were already writen and use as a prompt for me to live my life 

. ok way too much strangeness but who knows

time for me to sleep.

16-17/05

-meet up with the gurly pops, kate and joana paula. we went into this secret hidden park, which was too crowded due to an IG post. then we went to el retiro and sol. we really had a great time and even had some banters. it reminds me of when have some argument with russ, vera and chai. before i walk out, but now i mannage to sit with it and simply ackowledge the feeling and simply apologize

-went to a pay as you can vintage bookstore i had a memoir of this spanish military spy named alonso de contreras for 5 eur. im feeling so freiren here

-we capped the night with a free event at sol for the san isidro

13-15/05

-the challenges keeps on going. now with sim and whatsapp.. it's crazy... from one issue to another. and having this huawei gms problem makes me want to throw away the phone. if only this doesnt have good camera. i wouldn't keep this

-i was able to receive my sanitaria assitancia which is good for 5 years and received my vulnerability cert, so now my requirements are complete for the amnesty program.. such joy. it feels like im getting some great things happening for me.

 -it took me past midnight til i submitted my amnesty application and requirements online. it's very nerve wrecking. but i hope this will somehow answer all my migration burdens. i demand for breakthrough.

12/05

-so far this the  most challenging trial i ever got. 

today i encounter a lot of suspense thriller in asking for help.. sim card, transpo to madrid, so i can activate my phone and access my online bank

finally i was able set up my phone (after many trials, huawei issue) and access my apps. 

i have this so much stress it feels like i have this adrenaline rush for emergency. now i know the feeling of those people, who lets say, their houses are burning.. cause i felt like a its a life death experience if i can fix this or not. specially with my payables. now i also understand how these people who fell into a scam or lost so much money, they wanted to die, it is such a overwhelming experience.

also i remember this interview when stage performers stay awake until 3am after performance as they have this so much surge of adrenaline. now i had that kind of insomnia..  to the extent i only slept for 2 hours

11/05

-my obstacles are getting intense, i missed my phone delivery, my vulnerability report needs to be sent via whatsapp, still cannot access my account

...

but i simply hold on and remind myself that things are just about to get better

08-10/05

-bed rotting, as cold rainy weather throughout this weekend. also im trying to accept the nearing end of my stay here in collado villalba

-maximino is at work so i cannot see him. i don't have access to grindr so all these times since i lost my phone, he is the only one i had sex with. himala! what a miracle. im also starting to like him more despite of anything. it just that i havent told him yet about my summer gig in italy

07/05

-i just finished frieren s1 and now im off with s2. 

as expected it's growing further within me. it's funny that im in my 40s and i "parralel" the trials im having as obstacles and detours in each episode. when hearing "The Story of Us"  for the first time, i really cried and got overwhelmed on how meaningful this song is. i believe Milet has the ability to transcend the pain and suffering of this world and transform it into something that feels beyond the physical realm, as if finding the beauty that is lost in this world. 

im so loving this feeling that even at this age, this kind of anime/neo-realism is accompanying me and tides me by. 

05-06/05

-finished frieren season 1

-also watched guillermo tolentino's frankenstein and i was astounded with the impact with the impact of having a friend (with the blind man). it's also timely for me to understand generational trauma and forgiveness specially for my father

-felt really down lately, no progress on my vulnerability report, no acess to my salary, no phone, no sex encounters, no msge from maximino... but despite of it all, will hold on to my anchor phrase: suffering is my favorite past time. finding joy in suffering and be excited that, just like before, i will definitely have a breakthrough

04/05

-been overwhelemed since i cannot access my salary due to banking problem specifically due to app related due to my lost phone. now i have to borrow money for my rent and to buy a new phone (since russ' gift cannot be access without a mobile app)

it just sink in every bad things happened to me specially the night of my bday where is was robbed. (as i always brush them away with humor) and burst into tears. now i mutter and able to realize the true meaning of this saying: lintik lang ang walang ganti

-i prayed and demand for breakthrough in love, joy  and abundance 

01/05

my salary hasn't arrived so im stuck at home. just watching frieren. it was full moon so i went out and had a walk at the nearby farm. went out without a flashlight but since the sky is bright and also know the pathway like the back of my hand. the moon brought me back to boracay or bantayan beaches where i usually spend my labor day. i wanted to know the reason why im here in this empty farm and usually some realizations would sink in, and here they:

-"space and time". im having the priveledge of living the moment

-"my past acompanies me". like frieren, i usually have some dialogues with my previous experiences (specially with the people i've been with, ex bf etc..)

-"even though it's uncormfortable, take it slow". as youth wasted with the youngs,i can no longer want to get things go faster. im no longer getting any much younger so i want to savour every moment (specially with my irregular status and no clarity with any future job) i want to have a vivid experience of it. like having a surgery without any anesthesia 

some random guide:

 

labor day and labour pains

may 1 

my salary hasn't arrived so im stuck at home. just watching frieren. it was full moon so i went out and had a walk at the nearby farm here in urb pryconsa, collado villaba. went out without a flashlight but since the sky is bright and also know the pathway like the back of my hand. the moon brought me back to boracay or bantayan beaches where i usually spend my labor day. i wanted to know the reason why im here in this empty farm as the rest of the world parties for the long weekend. these kind of moment is when i simply lay still and usually some realizations would sink in, and here they:

-"space and time". im having the priveledge of living the moment

-"my past acompanies me". like frieren, i usually have some dialogues with my previous experiences (specially with the people i've been with, ex bf etc..)

-"even though it's uncormfortable, take it slow". as youth wasted with the youngs,i can no longer want to get things go faster. im no longer getting any much younger so i want to savour every moment (specially with my irregular status and no clarity with any future job) i want to have a vivid experience of it. like having a surgery without any anesthesia 

04/2026

 30/04

-went to manique's to meet up with the gang: kate, jamie, paula and vino (with the other regulars). christian is not there nor my first crush

-karaoke during the midnight after. as if we had the entire place for our own.  crazy fun.

-russ was right, spring is the transition for winter and summer. it was totally hot earlier but when i got back home at midnight, i was freezing cold with my tshirt. i had a preview of the full moon so it wasn't a bad walk.

29/04

-had a great talk with vera and russ. russ also sang joni mitchell's the circle game. we talk about turning 41, what are the things that doesn't matter and what gives us joy. i answered job description and small yet meaningful encounters with my students 

27-28/04

-i felt drained with my vulnerability report application. but was able to find the estrella neighborhood to be beautiful specially when a father and daughter lead me the way going to the station. very sweet

-encounetered this quote from my insta feed:

"Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die"

26/04

-need to restart my system and my whatsapp got dc so i have no way to msge maximino.. good thing i found his whatsapp and we able to connect and still meet today. we able to walk in a very beautiful sunny afternoon in opanel. we had some good talk and good sex, such a relief. 

-binge watch spanish films that presents lavapies and old madrid:

surcos, gloria y dolor, cachorro. 

22-25/04

-got my rejection letter from BEDA and so the more i should be able to get the amnesty program

-got so overwhelmed with the vulnerability report, wa able to manage to get it in apoyo social. it was crazy but me and paula was able to manage to process it after 4 hours of waiting

-hang out with kate and paula and simply chill on a friday in madrid

20-21/04

-im in the frieren binge watching and i am super into it. it feels when i was in my younger years and just get lost into the world of anime. and amazing how every episode really have tidbits of wisdom.

oh! also frieren reminds me of Maria, my romanian spiritual guro in Italy. the voice and the aura(mana). so everything reaaly seeped into me

-watch the 1st triloybefore sunrise. it's weird, i've been hearing about it but im not so sure if ive already watched it just like the beach. now is the time to watch it intentionally and it really reminds me of the filipino version of the thing called tadhana.

-it's been 12 days now since im not having a phone. i think i can really manage. if only online banking doesn't rely on mobile app, i can live without it.

-going through my facebook memory and found my bantayan and boracay pics. april to may is usually beach months in the Philippines. i really really miss the beach

-my students are my friends and just hanging out with them feels like im just having a good time. i just wish we can talk better since their english is not so good and my spanish is terrible.

19/04

-finally reunited with lyza and alex, my first migratory tribe here in spain. spent time in madrid. we had coffee by the la troupe and then have lunch at the filipino restaurant in torrenz and then introduce alex at the el tigre. it was a wonderful moment together before each of them headed to their way back to murcia and tenerefi respectively.

18/04

-my kuya carlo's bday. he have this picture of his 3 kids out of four. interesting when he was able to gather and raise them all these years. while im only able to raise the inner child in me.

-met maximino once again, first time he came inside me, but i just felt weird because he is complaining with the symptoms of std, i hope it doesnt come from me, and if he got if from someone else, then i will have it from him. i don't care much as long as he love making love with me.

im not sure how will this leads us, so far i love our connection. although at times i wish we can talk more and deeper but i guess that can wait. i don't have to force things out. usually i lead which way, but this time i want him to show me where are we heading to.

17/04

-finally meet maria and her family. went to palacio sibiles and show them ana juan's wunderkammer exhibition. we also went to this manga/asian comic collectible store and then his brother peque told me about this manga/anie called fieren, and it's so magical how he told about the story of this mage. i got so hooked that i have to watch it. the mage reminds me of dustin bernasor's idea of "chobits" where the entire idea tap me back into a lost childhood that i could have explored. 

 i really had a wonderful time with them.. as what i said to her  mom, they are my connection in Cancelada, my first home here in spain.. so it feels like home being with  them

-also that night, meet lyza. it's been a loooong looong time since i've seen her and finally we met in madrid. we had tinto verano and later had a great talk in this well lit fountains in el retiro. it was a swift yet sweet moment of catching up.

15-16/04

-i have the place for myself but i don't have the capacity to be online in gr so i felt the pang of abstinence

-watched russ' gift from mubi, the capsule and was mesmerized by its visual communication. im glad we had a unit of viscom during college. now im able to appreciate this kind of artforms more

12-14/04

-just meandering without a mobile phone. although i feel frustrated because why this happened when it is very hectic (amnesty) of which most of my docs are in my phone for submission. yes it's infuriating but im taking it with peace and calm. a complete surrender

-im not sure if i've already watched it before but with all saint's pure shore, the visuals keep coming back. so watched leonardo di caprio's "the beach" and was amazed with dany boyle's vision

 

11/09

-woke up besides maximino and told him i like him. he said he likes me too. i felt refreshed with our massage exchange as well. it was really good.

-i had maximino took photo of my documents for my amnesty and for sure he now knows my age. i felt like the girl in the series younger, that maximino  would cut his communication with me. but he end up msging me at the end of the day

-but i felt terrible in the middle of the day, so when this 24 year old hottie msge me and he have coke with him, i gave in to the temptation and we chill.

-watched this film in yourube, the seven lucky gods

-i felt a dopamine depletion, i felt sad, and felt my life pointless but writing this makes me feel better.

10/09

-i really had a bad hangover the day after and i felt mad with what happened last night but there's so much to grateful of.

-talked with vera and russ and told about my portugal experience, the puasa moment i had in sintra and the story of the best bacalao potato buttry cheeze pie i had.nalso told them how i got drugged last night.

-went to maximino's place and we had our weekly enccounter on his place. we able to talk more as we do the language exchange, then we had great sex and great cuddle. i felt home with him 

09/04

-spent my bday anonimously partying at manique. meet up with the gang (kate, paula and vino and miguel) and had a great time. on her way home, blurted it out to joana paula ^_^

-was drunk but went to el doce and got drunk even more. tried their dark room for the first time and i sucked someone.

-was triggered with this cap of a syringe

-had encounter with a dealer, but i sincerely say no, but he tempt me to snort some and i guess it's mefe. felt like floating on clouds and we had sex at the parking lot. i was super high that i never noticed he took my mobil with my atm card with it, i felt like a lost soul within chueca trying to look for this guy. what a way to start my 41st year

01-08/04

-just got back from my 1 week stay in portugal and i felt renewed. still have hangover specially with the cobbled stone walks in lisbon and my trek to sintra and the uphill castle.

-met many guys, from brazilian, american expats and local portuguese.

-talk with russ and vera and talked about the essense of puasa not just with food but with everyday experinces. how you miss and become grateful of the things you usually have such as the comforts of your own room.

april blur

*Spent a week in Lisbon Portugal for the holy week.

*Had wonderful pictures of plazas, cobblestone pavements, old churches, sintra hike.. but all of these gone with my phone

*My greatest eat is when after hiking sintra and got back to lisbon, i tried this fish potatoe pie that is so creamy and subtle savory that i almost cried because of its goodness. Then also tried "my most expensive meal" (50eur) at this seafood tavern by the cliff. I tried their polpo and tuna salad with sangria

*Sex here is also great, meet locals and expats. My notable is this Portuguese who looks like the conquistadors on medieval paintings with huge dick. Then this Brazilian marine and this early 20's Brazilian hearthrob 

*secretly spent my birthday at manique's with the gang. Had fun and walk joana paula to her station. went to el doce club. That's when i got super drunk and meet this hot moroccan dealer who is trying to sell me some coke or mefe. I politely say no but he insist and even make me sniff one line. That is when my head spins and become extremely horny. We went to this secret passage of a parking lot and we had an outdoor fuck. It was such an amazing fuck that after he breed me i lost my phone and my atm encased at the back. Good thing i still have my wallet and the rest of my IDs and cards. 

I tried to find the moroccan hotie but only to find myself just aimlessly roaming the empty madrid streets. What a moment to spend my 41st bday. 

Had so much fun but well, everything has a price 😅🤤

-for more than a month, i don't have a phone (no social media no annoying alerts, living old school specially on meeting people that you have to set a time and place for you to meet them) and it's only one of the best disconnected moment of my life.

astro journal 04/04

 What is falling away?

-Jealousy issues

-Posssesiveness

-In complete control

-Being an outsider/ im a  stranger feeling

-Inferiority complex of a migrant here in Spain

-anxiety for documents and all

-single blessedness, the thought it would last forever. although i still have the "isobel" by bjork as a guiding anthem.

What is rising?

-able to pinpoint and heal my trauma

https://youtu.be/iTefkqYQz8g?si=rY5T-M0ZYi7L3AOO

and 

https://youtu.be/ZoZT8-HqI64?si=U6Ekx4PG2Sm5O08_

-Getting along with older men. 

-Having good sex with older men as i usually meet 10 or even 15 years younger than me, now I tried to meet 8 years older than me. Since my father and mother's age gap is 8. so I have that as my gauge of threshold for age difference,

-More on emotional bond rather than sexual bond

-getting at ease and at peace with the feeling of things unravelling 

-taking everything nice and easy, slow and easy. 

-more thinking that's it's not all about me. 

-of walking and pretending that i am not seen. so i become less conscious. i now feel as if i'm just a wind.

-thinking of Madrid. thinking of city life and enough of beach provincial life

-revisiting things that happened to me 8 years ago, i was in complete chaos with the cavite guy nicknamed (i forgot) sounds like mola.. but then i found gerald few months after. organically in the pub. hopefully this year, i would meet someone again, not from grindr, but from an actual place, so to have an actual relationship.

10 things that are taking away my energy 

-grindr

-getting obsessed with manilvaguy and brayaann

-pnp

-sex sex sex.. so much sexxxx.. so i have both substance and behavioural addiction, well they do come hand in hand

-getting into Philippine political state of chaos

-drinking tooo much wine 

10 things that gives me energy 

-walking

-talking with friends 

-mediation

-journaling

-learning more about arts and teaching

-biking

-cooking

-drinking just enough wine while watching an opera or theater play or concert in youtube

03/2026

-i lost my phone and apparently my colornotes where i write my journal was not synced

So i will try to recall the events and highlights i had for this month

March 2026

*Spring time in Northern Madrid

*It feels much warmer and better. I just never thought i got crazy last winter but i really went crazy. Spring here still feels cold but at least it's sunny.

*Did a special project with Jamie and Maren with the English corner and bond with them. Was inspired with the almodredon? That cherry blossom like trees that blossoms in spring time 

*I am getting used of only meeting one person and it's maximino.. he is no longer just a grindr favorite, he is now my language partner for Spanish and he practice his English with me. We also exchange massage.

I find him handsome and admirable. It's just that we got language barrier and i felt stupid when we are stoned. Our sex is good but there are times, awkward. But i definitely like him even though he is not my ideal kind of guy. Also we haven't define the relationship and for me it's better that way.

I felt less pressured and invested on him. Maybe because i just had my major break down with manilvaguy (eloy) and usually it will take years before my next drunk in love moment (just like arturo was 2014, eloy 2024, so my next is when? 2034? No please.. i hope sooner) i hope this time it's a mutual kind of mid symbiotic obsession.

*My students age 3, 4, 7 and 8... were crazy but i am crazier so i manage. It's my first time to deal with younger ones and it's activating my maternal instincts.

*The thing tides me by is really talking with Russ, Vera, Chai and maxie bella

tinkering with ai pics be like

10 moon haikus, an attempt

Moon over cause, effect—

time’s lineage losing its mind,

tides drift at night.

***

Moon on the river,

pebble of happenstance rolls

through the silent tide.

***

Two moons, two stars signs

two shadows from wounded scars—

rips the wailing sea

***

Moon hears joy sounding,

telling all things, reconciling—

echo enters me.

***

Moon over the stream,

salmon against the current

returns home to die.

***

Moon in the dream asks:

are you what I’m dreaming of?

soft sobbing reply.

***

Moon holds the pendulum,

clock left hanging in midair—

viscous seconds bloom.

***

Moon of the world-spirit,

in the infinite all now

thought drowns into hush.

***

Moon over desire,

highest longing without thought

sinks into the whole.

***

Moon beyond all time,

that hidden universe waits—

ours at last to find.

02/2026

February

-i lost my phone and apparently my colornotes where i write my journal was not synced

So i will try to recall the events and highlights i had for this month

*chinese new year

*meeting maximino

*attending intercambio at manique's

*Built new community with the gang: Jamie and Kate (brits) Jaime (latin am) and Christian (chilean) and Vino (kapwa Filipino)

*broken hearted with christian

*Meeting one of the best hook ups: 

Matinee idol 6'3 early 20's 

Tattoed guy both bisexual and do bb

-i was too lazy to post it blogger because i usually want to polished it but i guess it's better to post it and edit as days goes by

random memories entry 38

-Estepona

One of my indicators that I am now a local to a certain place is when I finally feel the presence of a ghost. I mean, I’m a Filipino in Spain, and I can’t find any reason for a Spanish ghost to make paramdam if I don’t understand Spanish at all, nor their customs.

It was my first year when I felt something weird in the sala. It was especially strange when I felt heavy as I lay on the sofa, aside from the figures passing by that were reflected on the dark TV screen. One frightful moment was when I heard a pan fall, but when I checked the kitchen, nothing had fallen.

I shared this with my landlady, and she said the previous owners had their wake inside the house. It was a common tradition to lay the deceased in a bed within their home for a wake—often called velatorio en casa—for 24 to 48 hours before burial. (All about what is a wake and its traditions - Áltima)

-Madrid

Then recently, while walking along the Madrid River—even though it’s only my fifth month wandering around the city—I saw a weird, shadowy figure lying underneath a stone boulder. It was kinda scary, but I wanted to imagine it as just laying there aimlessly, as if watching the stars at night.

When I walked further, I saw a dedication wall along the bridge for the passing of a person. It could be him. And it warmed my heart to see so many friends expressing their love and loss through messages and flowers offered along the railing. So maybe he’s a happy ghost, dearly loved.

***

The ghosts no longer feel foreign to me. I remembered nichole kidman in "The Others", where sometimes we are not the only ones living in a house.  While the film centers on fear and revelation, my story centers on belonging. Coexistence instead of conflict. Afterall, we just share the same spaces, the same quiet corners of the sala, the same river breeze at night.

random memories p4

Entry 37 – Palawan

With Ms. B and Carla Quimsing.

Ms. B has three German friends who own a beach house in Palawan. We stayed there for several days while she helped them purchase property on the island.

I was in awe of that beach house, facing the West Philippine Sea and the South China Sea. The sunsets were breathtaking — vast, golden, endless.

Looking back, I think that experience planted a seed in me. Perhaps that was when I first dreamed of owning a beach house of my own — and eventually, a hostel. A place by the sea that feels like both escape and home.

Entry 36 – High School

My allowance was delayed because my father didn’t renew his contract.

There was a time when bread was my only meal. I felt deprived and convinced myself it was the worst kind of meal — because, to me, a proper Filipino meal had to have rice and viand.

Now that I’m in Europe, my perspective has changed. Bread is no longer a symbol of lack. It isn’t bad after all. Sometimes, it’s more than enough.

Entry 35 – Julio

My last visit in Danao.

We went to Catmon together. I rode on the back of his motorbike. We had coffee by the beach. For a moment, it felt as if we were lovers again.

It was a beautiful, tender day.

But when I got into the van to head home, I cried heavily. It was as if all the happy memories we once shared — all those bygone days when we were still together — came flooding back. They crashed against the new waves of separation, loneliness, loss, and quiet despair of what could have been.

Entry 34 – Francis Monfort

I gave him my favorite novel, Sputnik Sweetheart.

It wasn’t just a book — it was something personal. A quiet offering. A way of saying: This moved me deeply, and I want you to hold a piece of what moved me. A gift not to impress but to reveal.

Entry 33 – Misty Mornings

I started my misty morning walks with August by Taylor Swift.

I remember an ex lover, a fan of ts, who once sharing not only his favorite songs but the entire album — and all the men associated with Taylor Swift in each track. The way he spoke about the songs made them feel like living stories, not just music.

Somehow, those walks, that song, and those conversations all blend together now — soft, gray mornings filled with memory.

Entry 32 – Italy and Family

Spending five weeks with five different host families here in Italy allowed me to witness the dynamics of Italian families up close. And from what I’ve observed, it’s true — Italians are deeply connected to their families.

It made me reflect on my own.

My father is an OFW. Whenever he came home, we would go on vacations by the sea or have spontaneous hotel stays at Marco Polo. He loved giving us gifts, especially when our grades were good. He appreciated my handmade cards. He liked having us all in one room to watch a movie together.

But those moments were rare.

He would stay for only a month and then be gone for a year. He carried a military-like presence — disciplined, firm, not constantly affectionate.

Our bonding moments were few. But when they happened, they felt wonderful. Rare, fleeting, but deeply felt.

01/2026

31/01

-went to chueca by day and saw there are nice spots and a public library. Went for a coffee and sipped it on a rainy and cold winter day.

-Can't get over with hamnet, as i watch my first cinema (that i paid for) (cine yelmo ideal, dr Cortezo) here in Spain. I found myself crying, heavily. Paula too, more intensely. I could have cried tremendously but i got distracted with paul mescal's charm

-went home with a heavy heart

30/01

-one of those days when i woke up at the right side of the bed

-im able to roam my eyes again. More higher than just simply looking at my steps.

-im surprised that I'm listening to olivia dean, and i love her tracks. Done my early walk at the nearby park, as not to be nervous later with my interview for BEDA. Just immerse myself with the tranquility and assure myself that everything will be fine.

28-29/01

-days are getting lighter

-had my first heavy snow experience here in collado Villalba. First snow fight and real life snowman with the kids (students). The kid in me is screaming.

-really loving my quite and slow early morning

-the view outside my window: light sunshine, snowcapped mountains and a passing train. I'm not romanticizing this time, but it's definitely charming.

-got ecstatic about the upcoming amnesty. I just can't believe after months of getting crazy and anxious about my irregular status, now there's an opportunity to grow more here in Spain. Grateful!

24-27/01

-fought back the demons in my head as if it was the green little monster by murakami 

-talked with russ and told him about my darkness and how these seeds of dormant monsters are now creeping on me. He told me about generational trauma (colonialism) and reco the brown.psyche

-hand over as provenance, han kang's the vegetarian, to maren

-watching full docus on YouTube, the one that hit me so hard is at 27:00:

The unloved children of sex tourists 

23/01

-other than bed rotting, i also need to counter brain rot. So i am on socmed detox for now and read: the vegetarian. I'm done on the first part last night, it was intense. Will continue the 2nd part today.

-went to see my doctor, dra Cristina and told her I had a potential std and had me swabbed in the area I had never been swabbed before. Well, there's always the first time for everything 

-talked with maxie bella about my social anxiety and awkwardness with my new colleague and i felt reassured and heard. Thank you mareh...

-friday getaway with joana paola in madrid centre and really had fun. She flipped a coin and followed her ex lover back. I saw an old gay couple having an intimate drink by the window. Also saw someone who i found too handsome, so I looked away only to find him again smiling at me, however, just like everyone in the metro, fades away along the crowd, the street signs and subways. But still, it is a fun and heartwarming Friday night.

22/01

-just realized i still feel like myself, just muted. Maybe i am constantly sensitive (co living with my landlady) and socially overstimulated (handling kids). So interacting with maren and especially with jamie (who i really feel weird) is daunting 😅. It creates a ripple effect specially during the break where i found myself in a hurry in getting my coffee which makes (think) the people around me feel like I'm on a run.

-my consolation for today is i had a great time with the kids especially in playing football. As if im watching a championship match

-on my way home, meet jaime, my happy crush. He is really handsome. I told him i won't be back until Monday so i bid him have a great weekend ahead. He smiled and we did high five but for me it is kind of holding or touching his hand which is very soft. The thought of it made me giddy and when I'm all alone, i lingered my hand on my nose and my lips. 😭

20-21/01

-my social anxiety is getting worse. I don't have this before. I felt I was more of a cocktail kind of person but now, i felt awkward around people. Talked about this with Maren 

-winter cold and dampness made my feelings even worse. I had less appetite and low vibration. Having coffee just made me hypersensitive and nervous. I'm at a loss for what to do for now.

19/01

-we have an additional language assistant from the UK. His name is jamie and he reminds me of Andrew (my co summer camp counselor in Milan). We started awkwardly with him but i hope we will have a great time with Maren.

-btw, Jaime is as cute as ever. He is indeed my happy crush.

-i was totally affected by the recent train derailment in Andalusia. Can't stop myself from watching the news about the death toll. Last year, there was also a tragedy in southern Spain with flash flooding. Why am i getting engrossed with these tragedies? Even if i find it disturbing and saddening? Am i that troubled and sad? Or am I just too zen and these nuisances retain the messy kind of human in me?

18/01

-enjoyed the sunny winter and saw the beautiful snowcaps in the surrounding mountains. I miss walking in this path in el Cerillo. Walk without my phone and simply disconnect from socmed and reconnect with nature 

16-17

-my appointment with dra Cristina was postponed but seen cute guys in the hospital 😅

-found a very peaceful chapel near the hospital 

-coffee with joana paola at cuento cafe and tried their ube cake

-we went to the old matadero and the new mall across it.

-russ shared this vid (handel) and adored the restraint emotion yet poignant potency: Se il mio amor fu il tuo

-watched handel's imeneo 

15/01

-believing is better than knowing 

-finished stranger things s5

-watched star Cinema's "and the bread winner is"

14/01

-It's weird when i felt i woke up on the right side of the bed earlier (able to sleep 8 hours), generally had a great day and all of a sudden, i had an incident with Elyan (1st grade) who hit me and Luca (in PE class) with a rocket when elyan cannot handle his tantrum. It was a violent incident that we needed to raise an incident report. I feel sorry for Luca who has his chin bruised and for myself as my lip burst. It's very traumatic and i hope elyan receive proper guidance.

13/01

-as im having this insomnia, i listen to audiobook: elephant vanishes: sleep

-sleepless night goes on, start reading vera's gift: han kang's "the vegetarian" 

11-12/01

-random realization: as a UP graduate, before, i felt i have so much edge to other graduates from other schools.

Now, I feel I have to compete with other nationalities such as British and Americans

-meet Joana Paola for her belated bday

-coming back from 3-week worth of vacation in Norway, msged Vera that i feel rested gyud.. mas na kalma ko pag balik nako in Spain.. i feel softer and smoother around the edges.

-such a beautiful sunny winter day when we attended the mass, find the dark haired priest to be attractive. The coffee and pastries served after the mass reminds me of "pamainit" during simbang gabi in my younger years.

10/01

-we went to this sleigh slope where i had my first snow gliding. 

-It's embarrassing to admit that i had my first snow surfing first rather than the surfing with the waves in the Philippines 

-my vision is filled with sparks. Like electrons cruising through my veins in my eyes. Even the moisture sparkles in the sun. Purely magical.

09/01

-just loving the bus ride going to Oslo in the snowy weather. Sparkling sparkles. A wind riding through the winter wonderland 

-had coffee at the opera house, with the view of the fjord and iceberg glass installation art, to simply commemorate my last Friday here in Norway. Ending my 3 week vacation with a bittersweet apostrophe 

-back at vera's house, me together with the family watched this film about the boy named Christmas. And how believing is better than knowing.

08/01

-savor the sunny day, walk along the coastal side of oslo and go through the capitol then to astrup fernly museum 

-had this moment at the port and look at the akershus fortress from the other side

-got lost between regional and city trains at the national theater 😅

-finally meet vera at nydalin (after two failed attempts) and she showed me around the IT park-esque area, where her previous office was located

-bonding moment with vera over coffee and marshapan cake at the baker hansen

-intense talk with vera

07/01

-able to speak with chai, and as usual it lasted for hours. We talked about the milestone we've been through as we reached 40

-visit museet and able to see the other side of the fjord at night.

-dance under the oslo tree, with its thousands of LED leaves

02-06/01

-Simply slowdown and drift with my thoughts 

***

-winter is in full force. All is white. Crystaline flickerings.

-got myself transfixed at the view in my window at vera's place in myhra. Snow, pine trees, white and frosted. Moon, stars, transcend(ential). Huge, cinematic.

-went to the hotel thon lillestrome and enjoyed the pool and sauna. Also the steam room feels like bjork's reverb chamber. Sang ave maria a la Charlotte church

-also had this intimate jacuzzi moment and i have the entire pool area to myself.

-slow breakfast with vera and her family 

-kulitan with the kids, william and Alicia 

-thomas and i had this wonderful talk about his musical creations, my ptsd healing process and how's life in general 

01/01

-had the first sunrise at våg inlet

-had our early morning mass

- Sumptous dinner with vera and her family 

-had our first snow, just like a rain in the Philippines, a sign of blessings 

recent realizations: entry# 2

As a UP Diliman graduate, I used to believe I had an edge.

I carried it lightly, almost unconsciously—

a confidence I didn’t need to defend.

Now I find myself competing not just with other people,

but with entire nationalities.

With locals who belong without trying,

with Brits and Americans whose passports

seem to arrive ahead of them,

opening doors before they even speak.

What I thought was distinction

feels fragile here.

Intelligence, discipline, years of effort—

they all grow quieter

beside accents, borders, and documents.

And some days, I am not asking to be exceptional anymore.

I am only asking to be allowed

to stay,

to work,

to matter.

recent realizations: entry# 1

I saw an interracial straight couple earlier in the Madrid metro—an Asian woman and a Caucasian man. They looked like such a beautiful pair, equally pretty and handsome. Well dressed, well off. As if they were at the height of both their relationship and their careers. There was a sense of freedom about them—financial, emotional, existential. No trace of hardship or struggle on their faces.

Meanwhile, here I am, wrapped in a constricting jacket, my backpack as heavy as my thoughts about being an irregular resident in Spain and the uncertainty of my future employment. Cold and damp, in this humid kind of winter.

When was the last time I was in a healthy, visible relationship? I miss smiling brilliantly with my partner, and having him smile just as brilliantly back at me.

Or when was the last time my heart smiled with me?

12/2025

31/12

-saw the last sunset at flateby bruk.

Had my traditional moment with bjork's harm of will

-had dinner, had a toast for 2026, and witnessed the first batch of snowflakes 

30/12

-spend walking around Gothenburg and going swimming.

-went to the sauna and saw these beautiful Scandinavian male forms, one stand in front of me with his full masculinity, seeing his perfect calves, smooth, huge tamed handsome penis and good statue like posture makes me believe that he is a descendant of Baldr, the most attractive Scandinavian god

-had our year end virtual get together with diwatitas and diwatitos

29/12

-had a wonderful slow breakfast in heden hotel 

Today is one of those days that never ends. Funny how it’s Monday, and I fully embrace it.

-walk around Gothenburg with Vera and her family 

-i love Haga, it reminds me of a xmas neighbourhood in an illustration book.

-Met the Swedish guy for the 2nd time. He even invited me to his house where he shared a photo of his cozy bedroom. We really had a connection and shared some sweet warm tenderness in my hotel room. He also mentioned that if only i stay longer in Sweden he could have took me for a date. It's my first time to have this kind of treatment (generosity) here in Europe - far from the Spanish or Latinos.

-all of a sudden i miss Gabriel. Maybe because his profile popped up in my insta. 

28/12

-cut off the last remaining part of my dead toe nail, which corresponds with the death i felt when i got brokenhearted by manilvaguy last april (see april 2025 entry)

-vera and thomas surprise me with a road trip to Sweden! We are heading to Gothenburg 

-met a swedish guy locally from here, in Gothenburg and had a great sex. 

I also met this aryan looking guy who looks like the prince in Aladdin. Finally my dry spell kinda ended. I felt not so tight and grumpy anymore.

27/12

-talk with russ and vera

3 lowlights and highlights 

High school memories 

Explaining vera that chai is one of the pillars and that she will always be present and entangled  in our stories

26/12

-felt really sick but i manage to walk to the farm. And have a sunny morning in the frosty season in Norway.

-reminisce while scrolling through my posts from January until now. It is true that I've been through a lot and bed rotting is to simply honour that rest.

24-25/12

-spend xmas with Vera and her family. Thomas, william, Alicia, blanche, kristin and lolo Gayrn.

22-23/12

-simply doze off and drift off. I let my mind fly.

-had my experience of the sauna and went into the chilling cold outside 

-i realised all the constant anxiety and traumas i had recently made me curl back into my shell. More than being socially anxious, I know there is something wrong with me. Just staying on the rooftop cabin and staring blankly outside calm me down. Now I feel much better.

-ruben found me on telegram. Informed him that i changed my number and let him know that knowing him is one of the highlights i have this year.

21/12

-it's been more than a month since my last sex. My last was with Gabriel. I'm surprised i could handle this long abstinence.

20/12

-blanche birthday 

-bond with Vera and her family 

-harutan with William and Alicia, simply hearing their laughter makes me laugh

19/12

-after a series of anxiety for travelling with an expired TIE, i finally made it to Oslo. My passport wasn't even checked in my transit in Copenhagen.

18/12

-skip class today. I just felt lazy and tired. Don't wanna work much since i already did rehearsals with my class and i felt I'm no use for the show on Friday (my off) that i'm not being around anyway. I just allow myself to be softened, have some peace and try to feel joy in this dark and cold winter.

16-17/12

-"festivity feels" hanging in the air. Done musical rehearsal with my class "los besos, a mi mama, los besos a mi papa"

14-15/12

-slow down. Just taking things easy.

-my recent anxiety attacks are now being lessened.

-able to reflect and find meaning in the experiences I've been through.

-after decades of extremely active sex life, haven't had any hook ups for a long time and simply get comfort in wholesome and meaningful connections.

-Messaged Gabriel about me taking medication after he mentioned he got positive with Chlamydia. For some reason i didn't take it badly and just get on with it.

-watched Jennifer Lawrence ' "die, my love". This movie makes me feel better being alone with seasonal affairs rather than having unmet satisfaction with a long term partner.

13/12

-had a great talk with Russ and talk about budoy's passing. Now we reflect on the idea of death and how ethereal our life here on earth.. i also insert how chai reminds us how we envision our deaths (we have this internal joke of the versions of how we are going to die), and we thought we wanted to live until 50 (after Raymund, ms B's deceased partner, committed suicide).

Now, realising there is so much to live for, we laughed with the naivety of our youth. And that laughter makes us want to live longer. 

-It's one of those moments when you don't have to watch a drama movie for you to cry. This absolutely breaks my heart. 

#Gazabreakingstory

11-12/12

-sent a lot of applications, come what may. Remind myself that this life is not a problem to solve but a journey to experience 

-went to my doctor for my regular check up, her name is dra. Cristina and she's really nice and cool. it feels like I'm going back on track to take care of my health.

-went to the Madrid centre with Joana Paola and we had our first buffet and it feels like I'm financially capable after 1 year here in Spain.

-we also went to debod and enjoyed the xmas town. We went for a long walk and just talked about our heart breaks and all that stuff. I joke with her about her famous line: a hill to die on 

09-10/12

-Can't help but get envious about my friends who were also abroad and able to do the things they want while they are in the comfort of their husband's support. I wish I had their luck, but it seems that I'm the only one who can save myself 

-i have this realisation that my path here in the EU is never easy and i don't have anyone to lean on to. Called max about it. It's just gnawing in me and i can't help but to exclaim it.

-spent my entire day and nights sending applications around the EU, Japan and the US for possible teaching post as my contract from the ministry of education in Spain will finish next year.

08/12

-woke up with so much energy and had this jolt of applying for online jobs, but it feels counterproductive as winter really means i simply have to hibernate. Simply jut down notes which i could use for the next summer camp in Italy since Mommey G already booked me for next year.

07/12

-just threading along the silence. No exciting events, no friends to be with. No hook ups, no flirting, no giddy romance. An internal retreat.

-finally its a sunny day. had a wonderful walk.

-watch Japan's queer positive series: the boyfriend 

-had this guided meditation for my anticipatory anxiety:

05-06/12

-having this usual high on watching stranger things. Can't wait for the season 5 finale this coming new years eve

-my fb feed is flooded with budoy's sudden passing. Chai also messaged and we kid ourselves with our past "youth naivety" on reaching only at our 30s (as we have this Fernando syndrome, ms. B's partner who guns himself at the age of 50)

-having this anticipatory anxiety about the future since my program with the education ministry is about to end next year. My mind keeps on running around: job search, visa renewal, even my upcoming trip to Norway since my TIE card is under renewal. I'm restless and anxious all the time.

-quite myself with yoga and guided meditation 

-found myself staring blankly at the leafless tree at my window, blurred by damp sleet.

03-04/11

-done some decoration for xmas, bonding time with Maren, my American co-aux

-went to the Madrid center and hung out with joana paola. Able to witness Matisse' master pieces for the first time. Also Tried san gines for the first time and adored the xmas lights around sol. And as usual we went to our favourite pub: el tigre

-walked home cozy(ied) with the warmth of my trench coat and basked in the full moon. 

02/12

-still can't get over the feeling that i don't have any payables to my kuya carlo from my loan getting here in Europe. Able to pay it in one year. Gosh. Oh well, my ROI is more than enough. So I'm beyond grateful.

01/12

-got a message from gibraltar.guy that he is currently in my hometown in bantayan. I'm glad he is loving it. If only I was with him, i could have spent  it in his arms.

11/2025

30/11

-simply drift along the current of nothingness

29/11

-Long talk with Maxie bella as i share with her our moment in national museum in manila with the spolarium as i have the picture side by side with Guernica. My then and now entry.

-i have this dance as if no one is watching moment in Cerillo with this track:

Kyril: This dance

Inhale the chilly wind and bask in the autumnal sunshine. With the hazy vibe of the Spanish savanna.

28/11

-went for an interview at an international school (TEMS). It's a way for me to also push myself since I've felt lethargic lately. They have a very beautiful campus. The interview was like a talk and i found myself talking in a pleasurable way and at the same time, at a performance level. That adrenaline rush pumping and all that.

-Sadly, i don't have the right paperwork to start immediately. And i was not given an assurance if i will be rostered for a future post. I don't want to keep my hopes high but it was good practice. I miss having interviews, it kinda summarizes your life work and your credentials. Also i realized how i scream for stability, for a long term here in spain. I hope the universe will hear it and grant it to me in due course.

-went to reina Sofía and got kilig from one kilig to another. I'm seeing the surreal masters that i studied, from one artist to another. Miro, Dali, Picasso. And i was able to see the guarnica in full force. It's as massive and as intense as the spolarium of juan luna. 

-then meet Paula we went to medialab matadoro, near Legazpi station. To watch the rare future expo. I am blown away with the series of presentations. Especially with the AI flop and how it slimmed into hype. Also the alice guo metaverse. I wish gabriel was there, he could have enjoyed it.

-we end up having some drinks in el tigre and watch the seasoned lights in sol. 

27/11

-taking it slowly. Went to the park, laguna el Carrizal and simply basked in the autumn leaves.

-my landlady and i had a wonderful quick talk, she still can't believe i am in my 40s.

-message Gabriel. I wish my place was free but my landlady is here. I miss him.

26/11

-scheduled for blood work so i have to fast. Brave the early morning coldness with an empty stomach

-went to Hospital General Universitario Gregorio Marañón and have my general check up and able to get my meds. I'm so thankful to the staff. I felt i got my faith back in humanity.

-walk around el retiro and lavapies, with low energy i cannot fully appreciate it and simply immerse myself with the autumn foliage.

25/11

-surrendered to the freezing cold. 

-just do nothing. And submit to the ongoing theme: turning off survival mode and simply thrive

24/11

-went to the Madrid center and met Ana who helped me with my meds. 

Told Russ how thankful i am that somehow I'm hopeful with the situation.

-parque retiro in damp autumn feels so depressingly beautiful.

-It's nice to have a wonderful walk

23/11

-just do nothing and succumb to the coldness. I felt paralyzed under my sheets. But my mind is so clear. So i just reminisce about the years gone by. Emberring.

-called mamu and maxie bella. And somehow i felt better. 

22/11

-went for a walk in Cerillo on a freezing autumnal cold and watched the sky bleed. I cannot feel my hands as both of them were like ice. 

the sadness i felt from yesterday is still with me as i reminisce about all the instances i get broken heart. I felt overwhelmed with pain and i cried myself in the middle of a darkening field.

21/11

-had my first murakami book club online

-listen to South of the border west of the sun the entire day and able to finish it in one sitting. Something I've never done for a long time. My first was when i was in high school with harry potter. As i finished the book, i felt a really deep sadness.

20/11

-went to the madrid center again after hibernating in Collado Villalba, i feel this thrill once again.

-i got apprehended by the police just by staying in a dark alleyway near gran via and chueca, i suppose its a meet up for chemsex goer as gay men are the police target. An officer almost searched for my bag and saw my meds and injection. I thought I would be sent to the station for more explanation but after i told them i have a cita in a nearby clinic, they just let me go. I felt worried.

-meet joana paola and we went to el tigre bar and caught up over wine and tapas. It was a great night as we talked about our "jinxed" love life potentials so we better not divulge so much from now on. Lols

18-19/11

-im having these dreams of my past routine, of going to the bar and corporate jobs. i felt light hearted when I woke up. It feels distant yet it's still within me. It's strange because i already decided to finally leave that lifestyle when i get here in Europe but those things were my comfort for almost 2 decades. Or maybe i felt lighthearted because I'm totally free from it. 

17/11

-woke up at 2am with so much worry. I guess all these sufferings are now taking their toll on me. Had this guided meditation for acceptance and letting go:

https://open.spotify.com/episode/07tWcTDvLlsbOkgVF4qxNa?si=QDXRKkMaQ120RFlk2n5VAQ

-Finally have good responses from my mass message for clinic appointments. I felt relieved.

-meet Gabriel for the 2nd time, and the sex was amazing. Was able to cum tremendously this time. Gave him a good massage to practice my "body work" skill and we were able to talk a little bit about each other. It is a good moment.

 

16/11

For blog entry:

-listen to audiobooks of murakami's wind-up bird chronicle. I realized i didn't remember the details of the entirety of it, aside from it being too long (two volumes) i might not have the readership maturity when i first read it. I would agree that murakami's characters are weird and absurd. I only made out of sense on it when i get it alongside the absurdity of my own life experiences. The surreality of unreal and reality.

-worried about my arv medication and sent mass email to all possible clinics as my private insurance doesn't cover it.

-continue with my job applications as backup for next year.

-there is so much noise in my head and in my heart. Uncertainties, fear and loneliness. Called maxie bella.

15/11

-papa's 75th bday. i know that he is still grieving with the passing of auntie Myrna, but i pray to God to give him strength to carry on. Sending him love.

-watched marvin samaco's india trip series

-Rewatched Elite series and realized im living in the area where it was mostly shot here in Collado Villalba 

14/11

-talked with Vera and released all my frustrations about my residency here in Spain under a student visa instead of a working permit that i felt limited and my finances is just enough to scrape me by. Also the loneliness i felt. Cried as i release these bitter tears in my eyes.

-Friday night and i am penniless. Plus the weather was dampy and cold. Grabbed my wine and cheese in the fridge and played bjork Volta live in Paris and party inside my room. I felt euphoric.

13/11

-It dawns on me that I'm always tired because my mind always feels unsafe. Away from home, away from my family and friends, my community.

Listening to the audiobook: murakami's "the wind-up bird chronicle" as i read it years ago and wanted to relive the memory of it. I felt i can relate to lieutenant mamiya. At times, especially this time of colder and lonely months, I felt living abroad is like being in a war. Away, desolate and miserably lonely.

12/11

-got the news that my aunt myrna passed away today. I hope Papa, as next to kin, would have several years before his turn. I want to see him live in his 80's or beyond. As long as I'm able to see him live a comfortable life (ideally once i got my resort business) once again before he passes away.

11/11

-today, I'm totally moneyless. Simply did nothing fancy. Just nothing

-met Dario, the sexy Syrian, once again but i felt nothing

-wished for something like someone i feel safe and feel at home with, and abundance, but in the end i simply wish for contentment.

 

10/11

-Finally had someone who can really fuck me well and have a huge dick. He also speaks English so we're able to communicate well. He asked for my WhatsApp after our sex so let's see how this goes. His name is Gabriel just from here in Collado Villalba.

08-09/11

-wala koy undang sa pagtan-aw sa akong feeds sa fb for the damages brought by typhoon Tino in Cebu, pero sakit kaayo . So i have to protect my heart as well and all i could do is send my prayers for those who were affected specially mga previous officemates and friends nako didto.

-im also dealing with flooding to loneliness. Especially with the cold weather. I felt im numb. 

-had a long walk towards iglesia de naval quijigo and saw the ruins. Maybe that's why I love abandoned houses and ruins because i resonate with them.

07/11

-i am filled with quiet joys recently. I just rewatched The Secret World of Arrietty and again drowned with the beauty of studio ghibli and the bittersweet feeling of transient love.

-can't get over with the med intern and Dario as i had a moment with them after classes.

06/11

- i woke up just past midnight, had a hard time going back to sleep, and I blogged:

https://hotmug.blogspot.com/2025/11/only-yesterday-did-i-learn-his-name.html

-the moon is still so bright from the full moon last night. Went for a night walk even how chilly it is. Walk with my headphones on and finish the 46hr long (3 volume) 1Q84. I was beyond ecstatic with the ending and was even reliving the out of this world dream like trance with the novel. Specifically how i traverse the underground passageway from the collado Villalba Highway where i first came here. I hope, with the view of the moon, i have now overcome the harsh realities of the past and come into a new world.

-It's one of those best moon nights, especially since I am in line on what i am hearing (audiobook) that somehow reflects on what i am experiencing. This exchanging phrase hit me hard:

"You said you're going far away," Tamaru said. "How far away are we talking about?"

"It's a distance that can't be measured."

"Like the distance that separates one person's heart from another's.

- 1Q84

05/11

-so manilva.guy has a name. Before i only knew his initials: ESL.

Then just now, his profile came across my facebook account after I synced my contacts.

And his real name is Eloy Sanz Luque. As I got into his account, i went through a whirlpool of images, so I wandered in wonder. And i stop myself before i get myself back to the quagmire. We are having this rainy autumn, a seasonal shift to the harsh cold of the upcoming winter. My heart simply shudders in the coldness of loss.

Quick mantra:

"What returns does so for understanding, not possession.

I meet the past with clarity, the present with calm, and the future with choice.”

03-04/11

-rewatched studio ghibli's Red Turtle and i felt I'm on an island right now here in Collado Villalba. All i have to do is give up the idea of fighting my compulsions and give in what this quiet place can bring.

-felt worried about my family in Cebu as they had a very destructive typhoon 

-typhoons in the Philippines is like tossing a marble on a board game of (un)fortune, it can landfall on Luzon, visayas or in mindanao.. hmm it can be satirical interactive art form

-having this as a gentle reminder from st. Francis de Assisi on what it is to be strong:

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/17g8sdiUDn/

02/11

-was depressed. Sad and lonely from yesterday's blow (jose Luis ).

I knew it the moment i woke up. Instead of lingering on the feeling, i have to get up and do my grocery. 

-call Mamu and my family in the Philippines and Max who is now in Biri island with Shawie. So somehow it made me laugh and simply enjoy the sunny side of life.

-tried to jog to ease the suffering and get comfort from the autumn leaves and the impermanence of this season.

01/11

-woke up with a dream. Chai welcomed me and Russ in the Philippines and we eat karenderia food and they are so affordable and we have this sense of so much plenty 

-have this guided meditation the moment I woke up:

https://youtu.be/rfytDN9bYj8?si=_UBBePk7G3hzl5Zu

-jose Luis didn't make it for our date, family duties). So i went shopping in the carrefour hypermarket. The found 50eur went to buy a rice cooker that i have to replace from my landlady. So instead of going for a Halloween party, i found myself walking in the freezing cold and try not to spend because my money is already budgeted.

-this is the most boring Halloween weekend for me. I muse myself with having a peak on Russ in syquía with friends yesterday and also revisiting my old pictures.

then and now

 

spolarium  x guernica

2015 x 2025

Severed: on Murakami's South of the Border, West of the Sun

I just re-finished South of the Border, West of the Sun by Murakami upon seeing a book club that would discuss it at the end of the day. I already read it as one of the first Murakami books I read upon recommendation by my German design teacher (Ingrid). I think I was 20 years old at that time. And I tried to also remember if it's Dance Dance Dance or this one, South of the Border, West of the Sun, which she handed over to me. I believe one or the other, because she kind of introduced me to Murakami and later I became an avid reader. I also have this vague memory that I reread it as an e-book around 2017 after I broke up with my second boyfriend, Gerard. Reading this book always gave me this comfort to accompany me in my pain.

Then eight years after, with not so vivid a memory of the book, I scoured to find an audio book that I could listen to, which was doable since it only has 15 chapters and is around 8 hours in length. It's like binge-watching an entire season of a series. So I said, I will give it a shot. The last time I had this thrill of finishing a book was with Harry Potter when my schoolmate in high school lent me his book and said, “You can only have this for a day since someone else wishes to read it the next day.” So here I was, sitting under a mango tree behind our school campus in UP High Cebu until dusk, and I got so mesmerized and drunk-like with euphoria when I finished the book in one sitting.

So I started and was determined to finish it before the scheduled book club gathering at night, but when I was on the 12th chapter, I dozed off, and when I woke up, the remaining three chapters could not be finished. So I was only able to finish listening to it until chapter 13.

So there I was, at my first Murakami book club. At first I was very hesitant since I consider Murakami as something I want to keep to myself, like a jar of cookies I want to savour on my own. But I was very curious how it goes, so I joined, and lo and behold I met other Murakami fans who were so eager to share their thoughts. Although I am so shy, and the organizers were not sensitive enough in how to manage the participants who wanted to share. There was an attempt when I wanted to share my thoughts with video and camera, but there were participants whom I assume to be long-time members who could not be stopped, or I was very conscious not to interrupt to show respect. So I ended up only chatting some of my few reactions.

Some of the ideas that were shared were quite interesting; some of them I nodded to in agreement; some I had a different belief about based on my personal perspective. With this book discussion, I kept an open mind and secretly held on to what I believe and how it struck me. One of those is the realization that the film Past Lives is a parallel with this one. Also, the possibility of Shimamoto as something imagined. Well, for me she is real. Now, let me go ahead and write some of my memories of this book and my re-realizations after encountering this book for the third time.

Shimamoto is real, and I have some theories why:

Shimamoto has “taning.”
She is about to die (the medication she has, with which she almost died when she forgot to take some),
and yes, she wanted to kill herself,
and eventually wished to die with Hajime.
It's all or nothing—even the gift she gave but eventually got back:
a severing of ties, a memory---not a promise, a non-verbal goodbye.

For me, it’s one of Murakami’s most grounded novels—stripped of magic realism and focused instead on what it means to be human: suffering, raw darkness, and quiet pain.

To commemorate, I went for a walk in Cerillo (Collado Villalba) on a freezing autumnal cold and watched the sky bleed. I could not feel my hands as both of them were like ice.

The sadness I felt with the book is still within me, bringing back painful memories that I also personally have, which ride along in each passage. As if I punished myself again and again as I reminisced all the instances I got brokenhearted. I felt overwhelmed with pain, and I cried in the middle of a darkening field.

Now it does

 

This is the actual copy of the book I read back in 2008. I was twenty-three, in my first real love, and I remember having this vague sense that it was a wonderful book—just one whose teeth never quite sank into me.

Lately, I’ve been fascinated by listening to audiobook versions of Murakami’s works. I always tell my friends that once I’ve encountered Murakami, it’s hard to read—or even care about—other authors. With my eyesight declining, rereading on a screen, like an e-book, isn’t really an option anymore.

In that sense, listening to the audiobook version brings me so much joy. It’s a way of revisiting and reimagining the stories I first loved, reliving the feeling of those earlier reading days, and reconnecting with the memories of being completely absorbed in his worlds. 

Now, I am listening to the audiobook of Murakami’s The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, I’m realizing how little I actually retained. Beyond remembering that it was long (those three volumes combined into one felt endless), I don’t think I had the readerly maturity for it at the time.

Murakami’s characters are undeniably weird and absurd, but this time around the absurdity feels different—sharper, more familiar. Maybe because I finally have enough of my own life’s absurdities to hold it up against. That blurry line between the unreal and the real doesn’t feel like fiction anymore; it feels like recognition.

Back then, the last thing I remembered clearly was Toru pondering inside the well (as i personally have an experience stuck in a well when I was a kid, long story). I didn’t even register the theme of betrayal. And honestly, why would I have? I was in my early twenties, still in love with Julio, floating in my first wonderful relationship. I wasn’t jaded yet—still giddy with romance, still busy romanticizing romance itself. Everything felt soft and sensual and hopeful. No wonder the darker threads of the novel slid right past me.

After all the heartaches, the brokenness, the emptiness I’ve lived through since, the book finally has weight. Its essence is no longer just palatable—it’s digestible. It makes sense now in a way it never could have back then. Now it does.

Only yesterday did I learn his name.

I woke up in the middle of the night, just past midnight and went to pee outside (yes, we have an external toilet in this apartment) and brave the harsh northern Spain early winter cold just to see the full moon. But here, unlike in Andalusia, it is usually cloudy.

My hometown was struck by a terrifying typhoon yesterday. Images of a devastated Cebu keep me awake long after I close my eyes. Past midnight, I woke suddenly and couldn’t fall back asleep — as if the Andalusian sea breeze went here in Madrid carried with it the same haunting images of Manilva Guy. Only yesterday did I learn his name.

Eloy. Eloy. Eloy. 

Eliger in Spanish, from the Latin word means "to choose". All this time, he has this name. It's weird. We haven't introduced ourselves properly. We haven't exchanged names but here i am, i choose to love, smitten by him. 

It dawned on me that what we had was a transient kind of love — it began in February and ended by April. Three months of heavenly sex and hellish jealousy.

From a distance, it was only a fleeting moment. Yet, like Elio and Oliver’s summer, ours was a fling in spring — sun and rain, seeds bursting to life, blossoms at their peak, then wilting in their own beauty. A blanket of fog dissolving at sunrise.

As Sho once said in The Secret World of Arrietty, “There was a time it felt like a borrowed memory.” Eloy would see it differently — perhaps a therapist would have their own word for it — but I have to claim it. Because no matter how brief it was, it changed me completely.

It reawakened my childhood trauma. I know I’ve written about this before — and here I am, writing it again, as it resurfaces beneath this Taurus full moon, ruled by Mars.

A karmic checkpoint. Emotional flare-ups. Old patterns reaching out to the “new me.” Or am I still defining myself through who I once was?

I ask myself: What am I being shown about my patterns of giving and receiving love?

Acts of service and submission. Acts of surrendering fear while craving trust as protection. An alien, a migrant seeking validity, pareja de hecho, desperate for a permit — for belonging. A plea, a need for home.

But what I found was not clarity, but complexity — jealousy birthing distance, detachment disguised as control.

And yet, at the centre of the storm, something steadier emerges. A quiet understanding that home was never something to be given — it was something to be remembered.

And yet, perhaps this, too, is part of the healing — learning that even when love unravels, I remain. Whole, watchful, becoming.

ug sa dihang, naa siyay ngalan

kaniadto, inisyal ra — E.S.L.

murag hunghung sa mga anghel

pero karong gabii, 

ilang mga paku, adunay mga ngabil

mga pagkinto kinto sa mga tiil

kalit silang ni siwil.

usa ka tanum.

usa ka liso

sa pagturok, wala ko mag dahum

nga abi nako, 

dugay na siya na lubong

sa menteryo sa kalimut.

apan, sa akong fb feed,

kalit nisubang 

dala ang mga kagahapon

mga hinumduman, nikamang

mga kalag, nibangon

ug sa dihang, naa siya'y ngalan:

Eloy Sanz Luque

murag sa akong ngipon,

adunay nigimaw

usa ka dako nga kiki

iyang mga hulagway,

taga "click next"

paksit!

tagsa-tagsa, 

mupisik ang mga kasakit.

mga hulagway 

nga daw sa yawa, 

ni agik-ik.

ni lanog sa kangitngit.

"Undangon tah ni, peste!"

Sa dili pa matintal usab,

sa dili pa maimpyerno ug balik

sa gawas, 

ang uwan sa kahilum nag lumba

mitulo ang iyang ngalan: 

E.S.L.

ga kinto-kinto, 

susama sa gatusan na mga tiil

10/2025

31/10

-Finally ended our two week Halloween deco and it's amazing how i can still create. Was anxious about it but by just showing up, you can definitely do something, anything. Also gone crazy liver-eater with small kids. It's draining but fun.

-payday but my salary went all to my rent, bills and payables. But found a 50 eur bill by the street, biggest bill I've picked so far.. i remember when i was 10 years old, i found 4, 20peso bills and i have it as a capital for candies and i had it as my business. Not much for a capital here in Europe but i hope it's a sign of financial breakthrough.

-reminisce about how i usually party in a club during Halloween but I'm not sure this time, i don't have the energy and the means.

30/10

-an early morning read: 

"We yearn for certainty and must make our peace with doubt, flickering and static" -alain de botton/school of life

http://youtube.com/post/UgkxGOythDGnP9hebpXFcvUVkM35ZHIdmeSy?si=K0b5FndMhksKKJFd

29/10

-something that i love about my current work today is that you don't have to prepare anything, you just have to show up.

-i still have my bureaucracy blow from my late prórroga yesterday and my dating issue here in Spanish but i keep on counting my blessings. Especially my constant visit from our house cat, Santi who  becomes my constant companion.

-the impending 400eur or more fine is really a horror, but i will simply let it go and think of the money i saved from Italy specially my stay in Italy farm for a month without any expenses.

-was already happy when chai wishes to send a scent she concocts for russ that reminds of that afternoon in busay, and russ wishes to accept it. But then chai, not pushing for it. I dunno. It feels being rammmed in the middle and i have no one to talk to, even vera since she is also not in good terms with chai. I dunno, i felt this jolt in my head, my heart and in my stomach. Then again, I was reminded that my current theme is suffering is my favorite past time. I simply laughed about it. But tbh, I'm at the point where i don't want to be in between (the bridge) anymore.

-saw the trailer of my love makes you disappear and i felt I'm too serious with my potential lovers. And then i said to myself, I'm no clown nor comic, so i don't want to fake it as well. I dunno.

28/10

-had this weird conversation with Pablo. I guess he is trying to be kind and me trying to be pushed over. I'd rather have it stop. It is getting toxic. On the other hand, jose Luis is not messaging. I was done with this phase, but it's resurfacing. Sigh.

-my happiness with empadronamiento was short live as i face again another paperwork, prórroga, which should have been submitted 90 days before my TIE expired. My tie expired May 30 2025, so I'm already late. But it's just now i had my empadron. I may face a penalty on this with a hefty fine. God forbid. Another series of suffering. Oh well, i think i simply need to give up and rewire my brain of retiring with this thought: i love suffering, it is my favorite past time. 

27/10

...But before anything else, celebrate at my favorite coffee shop and have my usual cafe doble con leche y croissant deliciouso at Sampedro.

-hopefully everything goes well from now on. I hope the universe heard my plea and will take it easy on me 🙏 ❤️ 🥰 

27/10

-Finally, empadronamiento myself successfully. My first ever after a year. Now I'm officially registered living here in Spain. Now I'm off for my TIE card renewal. But before anything else. Cont

26/10

-watched Wizard of Oz 1939, indeed it is a very heart warming and magical movie. One of the best movies of all time.

-It's really getting cold here in Collado Villalba. It rained last night and the temp went down low to 2'C

-went for a walk as i feel too heavy. Had some sunshine and savored the sunset. I went emotional as i felt I was again, at my lowest of low. Jokingly asked the universe not to be so harsh with the challenges I've been given. as i am having a deficit in terms of almost everything: love life, financial, and stability. I cried and prayed that breakthrough is on its way especially about having a sense of home.

25/10

-jose luis didn't respond, i feel so low and i know how this pattern of a feeling. I know what i must do: walk

-had a morning walk to valdemayor while listening to newly released bjork cornucopia in Spotify 

-cont watching wicked

-it rained a lot and was damp cold. Feeling sad and lonely. I simply tuck into my blanket and cont listen to 1Q84 audiobook. 

-I kinda feel what the dowager feels when she no longer has anger, but only sadness when she has finally murdered (let go) the main culprit. Also it resonates in me, Aomame's waiting for years and years to only experience,  a glimpse of ephemeral romance.

24/10

-meet Joana Paola at the station as she came to Collado Villalba for the first time.

-she treated me in my favorite tapa place and we walk to dehesa and listen to TS while watching the cow having a love triangle affair. Crazy

-supposed to meet jose Luis as he doesn't have class after work, but i ran out of load and only have enough money left for bus fair. Plus he didn't respond so i don't feel motivated ti really see him. As if i have to give up. But my manifestation is almost there. Maybe this is just one of those challenges. I hope this is the final challenge.

23/10

-created Halloween deco and listen to wicked sound track. Remembered my folgaria moments, and as if i summoned them, Tamera relive the GC. But Jack didn't responded nor msge me directly. 

22/10

-my landlady is out of town and i have the place for myself, i usually do sex invites, but this time. I didn't.

-for some reason, the love intentions keep me grounded. Exchange some messages with Jose Luis and that's it. I even made him laugh on whatsapp. I felt he already made my day. 

-also Pablo messaged, but i am now leaning towards jose luis. I'm happy how one can really replace someone and i can clearly see who is for me and not for me.

-reread my posts 13 years ago, and i am amazed how my tenacity for finding love still haven't fade. But hopefully this time around i eventually come home.

-this reminds me of Russ message to chai about coming back home (of them being reconciled)

-attempted to blog again. It feels wobbly and like doing baby steps.

At least not with the aid of chatgpt. Going back to square one. I felt im redeeming and re acquainting myself.

21/10

-i vividly dream of high school. The giddy thrill of walking along the corridors. The love for books. Highschool crushes. Laughing hard. Cheese sticks (pastel de leche). I felt I was beginning again in terms of romantic excitement and intimacy.

-done waning moon ritual before the new moon. Let go of strong anchors that reminds of Pablo (the condom we used) burn it and splash it with dust of palo salto and done sei hei ki emblem to it as i flush it away.. with it are the strong emotions from my previous heartbreaks and limiting beliefs i had. May i restart anew.

-at 10:21pm new moon, done my romantic intentions 

20/10

-blessed to have a mother, on her 67th birthday today, that she is still beautiful and healthy. Who was able to maintain a family, though not perfect, but filled with care and love.

-pablo messaged me and he was clear that he is not into LTR. I felt broken hearted. I really like him.

-also got a potential first meeting with Jose Luis. But my landlady came in and he also encountered a problem. Well, it is what it is. Let's see where this goes. 

19/10

-just rest

-cleanse, detox and watch this video about how to deal with loneliness:

How to fall in love again by alain de botton.

https://youtu.be/9PXHx275Oa8?si=bandxBRXUKy2Nhz6

18/10

-meet up with jose barrios and had a morning sex.

-messaged Pablo but he doesn't reply. The anxious attachment syndrome in me is triggered. Got a pnp invite and went ahead and met these 4 top guys. It's like singing tove lo's song once again. It was already past midnight, and I'm glad i did, it was worth it. Two of them are so hot and bigdick. It was a total fantasy. I was hi@# af. Mefe&keta. First time. But still it's nothing compared to my subs of choice. But i felt so lucky to have these two hot men (1 handsome Spanish and 1 super sexy latino) banging me like in a p@#n. I am aware of my tendencies so after it, i just be compassionate to myself.

17/10

-this blows me away today. I needed this kind of reminder to practice.. practice practice every day:

https://youtu.be/hwCmWqH6cCE?si=tmym3bIYLoGYwvdO

-catch up with Chai and had our realizations from 20's, 30's now to our 40's. One message that has instilled in me with our conversation is the "necessity of waiting", just like the seasons for planting and harvesting a fruit.

-Rewatched perfume, the story of the murderer. Was reminded of my sexual obssesions, collecting guys to intercourse with but at the end, it was really to satisfy the craving of having someone to be with.

16/10

-watched icelandic folklore the damned. Felt so scared and troubled i have to rewatch asako 1 and 2

-felt sad about Pablo not replying but i felt i know to handle and reinforce myself with this kind of feeling.

-here comes the autumn winter rain-the more i miss the tropical breeze.

15/10

-when it rains, it pours. I had a dry season lately but finally i had 3 guys last night. 1st is pablo, the tall guy, and the cd lover. Again, if only i have a bf, i will be faithful. But while i am still single, and my hormones are still at it, then i will try to maximize it. 

-but for me, my ultimate is Pablo (pls see ref) messaged him but I'm too sleepy to wait for his response about us having a walk.

14/10

-finally meet pablo. The one I've been talking with, for a long time.. I was so frustrated last night and I'm glad this one compensates. I was able to practice my massage and reiki with him. And i got so horny with his sexiness. He is actually my kind of guy. He looks better in person. And he has a huge d###. We are also able to talk great. If only he doesn't have limited time, i wish I could spend more time with him. He is hairy, cuddly and i love his armpits. I hope and pray he likes me the same.

13/10

-"i am not a mistake. I am the dream, i am the fantasy." Fostering self acceptance, Mother melai in sparks camp 3.

-went again to alacala for my dental appointment. It's a long journey so i listened to 1Q84 on the train. Also simply love my scenery. I love the field near Pitis where one can see families of deer.

-i kept on thinking about p.james and minelvaguy. I realized they are one of my greatest orgasms. That's why these times i tried to duplicate the same feeling, the same level.. I was reminded of the IQ84 excerpt of gone in the wind. "Once you experienced something magnificent, try to be content with it"

12/10

-went to alcala henarez town fiesta. I was able to enjoy the crowd and the food stalls with Joana Paola. Then we went to Sol and had a disco with Darwin, a kapwa Pinoy. She is a CD and reminds me of Maxie Bella. We had a great time in a disco club manama. I got a few stares and smiles but they are either with a bf or friends.

I overspent and had a bad hangover.

It's one of those nights i say i don't wanna drink again.

09-11/10

-having sexual frustrations lately. I am so horny but i don't get to meet people for sex since 1, my place is not always available 2, Collado Villalba is such a small town. 3, i don't get along well with my meet ups and we either not a match or our personality clashes.

-it's a long weekend for me so i simply enjoy it by rewatching a movie: kimi no na wa. It is still giving me goosebumps and i really love the idea of misubi.. the intertwining of time. It will always be one of my favorites.

-had a great talk with Maxie Bella and how we process John Mengua's passing. We also reminisce what we've been through with him and how we commemorate his memory by cherishing his kindness and joy he emits. May God bless his soul.

08/10

-sent a video greeting for XinXin's 6th bday. My baby nephews and nieces are growing. 

-done major cleaning in the house as my landlady will be back tomorrow. I felt relaxed and realized i have this jealousy and nagging envy about people in a relationship. I mean i could rewire my limiting beliefs that being solitary is sad and lonely but i couldn't deny my heart's desire for a constant companion and feeling kilig once again.

07/10

-Meet said once again. This time he fucked me bb. I just really find him so handsome. I came as we made love intensely. I also love his smell. That kind of spanish arabian smell. I hope we can do this regularly

-was also supposed to meet the airport Uber guy. But sleep is my priority since i have an early class tomorrow. i love it when i choose myself more than others.

06/10

-first monday at my new school. Getting familiar with the kids and their characters. I have this wonderful energy but I feel drained? Of which i usually feel my dopamine depleted? Good thing they have free breakfast. At home, i felt lethargic. I guess it's normal? I should be fine.

-got this immense restlessness in the middle of the night. And as if I've been punched in my stomach. I guess its the upcoming aris full moon with it's intensity 

-found this fruit and vegetable market that sells familiar stuff: papaya, mango, okra and guava. Feels and tastes like home.

-watched s/s fashion shows and one collection i love is Sarah Burton's givenchy.

05/10

-recently, i don't usually feel good. It's not automatic that i am feeling fine, as if there is a cloak of dark, damp cold clothes shrouding me. It's an effort to feel myself. I have to walk, prepare hot mocha or cook good food. But i always end up kind of lonely and sad. 

-Rewatched Jones spike's Her. And thread along the loneliness in this modern age. But still, i remain hopeful 

04/10

-Rewatched the tiger, first was when it premiered. The notion of being devoured by the tiger coincides with murakami's IQ84 putting a tiger in your tank. 

I let the tiger. Devours me this time.

-earlier, rewatched ang lee's brokeback mountain. I feel it more this time. Cried specially with Michelle Williams portrayal of a jealous woman. I resonate with her pain. That pain that scarred me just last april with minelvaguy.

03/10

-heading back to alcala for my dental appointment. It's early morning on the train from Collado Villalba. Seeing the sunrise across the endless fields. It was a beautiful sight. Also, i have this unusual auto joy in my heart. It's not pre empt-ed. It's sitting inside with me. It's a surprise since i constantly have this anxiety ridden jolt, or loneliness pang inside. But now, i am smiling with peace.

-meet Joana Paola and noel. Went to el prado and simply talked and laughed. It's a wonderful pinoy bonding and got inspired with Noel's pareja de hecho and lovelife.

02/10

-felt at home more and more as my landlady is with her partner and im able to take care of balu and santi and the myself 

-felt wonderful after my interview at "you speak" language academy with Isabel. Was tasked bout if someone asked the  difference with past simple and past perfect. I'm so happy to come up with my drawing of a man on a boat with an anchor. Ang galing ko don. Even i, was amazed by myself. I hope i will get the job and it will be my step for legal residence. Ojala🙏

01/10

-first day at school, CEIP de Miguel Cervantes and I've already received so many hugs and gifts

-bless my room with cinnamon and salt to bring forth abundance and love

-also bring out my rose quartz, string of pearls and my intentional love writing in the open for the upcoming super moon to bless it.