11/2025

30/11

-simply drift along the current of nothingness

29/11

-Long talk with Maxie bella as i share with her our moment in national museum in manila with the spolarium as i have the picture side by side with Guernica. My then and now entry.

-i have this dance as if no one is watching moment in Cerillo with this track:

Kyril: This dance

Inhale the chilly wind and bask in the autumnal sunshine. With the hazy vibe of the Spanish savanna.

28/11

-went for an interview at an international school (TEMS). It's a way for me to also push myself since I've felt lethargic lately. They have a very beautiful campus. The interview was like a talk and i found myself talking in a pleasurable way and at the same time, at a performance level. That adrenaline rush pumping and all that.

-Sadly, i don't have the right paperwork to start immediately. And i was not given an assurance if i will be rostered for a future post. I don't want to keep my hopes high but it was good practice. I miss having interviews, it kinda summarizes your life work and your credentials. Also i realized how i scream for stability, for a long term here in spain. I hope the universe will hear it and grant it to me in due course.

-went to reina Sofía and got kilig from one kilig to another. I'm seeing the surreal masters that i studied, from one artist to another. Miro, Dali, Picasso. And i was able to see the guarnica in full force. It's as massive and as intense as the spolarium of juan luna. 

-then meet Paula we went to medialab matadoro, near Legazpi station. To watch the rare future expo. I am blown away with the series of presentations. Especially with the AI flop and how it slimmed into hype. Also the alice guo metaverse. I wish gabriel was there, he could have enjoyed it.

-we end up having some drinks in el tigre and watch the seasoned lights in sol. 

27/11

-taking it slowly. Went to the park, laguna el Carrizal and simply basked in the autumn leaves.

-my landlady and i had a wonderful quick talk, she still can't believe i am in my 40s.

-message Gabriel. I wish my place was free but my landlady is here. I miss him.

26/11

-scheduled for blood work so i have to fast. Brave the early morning coldness with an empty stomach

-went to Hospital General Universitario Gregorio Marañón and have my general check up and able to get my meds. I'm so thankful to the staff. I felt i got my faith back in humanity.

-walk around el retiro and lavapies, with low energy i cannot fully appreciate it and simply immerse myself with the autumn foliage.

25/11

-surrendered to the freezing cold. 

-just do nothing. And submit to the ongoing theme: turning off survival mode and simply thrive

24/11

-went to the Madrid center and met Ana who helped me with my meds. 

Told Russ how thankful i am that somehow I'm hopeful with the situation.

-parque retiro in damp autumn feels so depressingly beautiful.

-It's nice to have a wonderful walk

23/11

-just do nothing and succumb to the coldness. I felt paralyzed under my sheets. But my mind is so clear. So i just reminisce about the years gone by. Emberring.

-called mamu and maxie bella. And somehow i felt better. 

22/11

-went for a walk in Cerillo on a freezing autumnal cold and watched the sky bleed. I cannot feel my hands as both of them were like ice. 

the sadness i felt from yesterday is still with me as i reminisce about all the instances i get broken heart. I felt overwhelmed with pain and i cried myself in the middle of a darkening field.

21/11

-had my first murakami book club online

-listen to South of the border west of the sun the entire day and able to finish it in one sitting. Something I've never done for a long time. My first was when i was in high school with harry potter. As i finished the book, i felt a really deep sadness.

20/11

-went to the madrid center again after hibernating in Collado Villalba, i feel this thrill once again.

-i got apprehended by the police just by staying in a dark alleyway near gran via and chueca, i suppose its a meet up for chemsex goer as gay men are the police target. An officer almost searched for my bag and saw my meds and injection. I thought I would be sent to the station for more explanation but after i told them i have a cita in a nearby clinic, they just let me go. I felt worried.

-meet joana paola and we went to el tigre bar and caught up over wine and tapas. It was a great night as we talked about our "jinxed" love life potentials so we better not divulge so much from now on. Lols

18-19/11

-im having these dreams of my past routine, of going to the bar and corporate jobs. i felt light hearted when I woke up. It feels distant yet it's still within me. It's strange because i already decided to finally leave that lifestyle when i get here in Europe but those things were my comfort for almost 2 decades. Or maybe i felt lighthearted because I'm totally free from it. 

17/11

-woke up at 2am with so much worry. I guess all these sufferings are now taking their toll on me. Had this guided meditation for acceptance and letting go:

https://open.spotify.com/episode/07tWcTDvLlsbOkgVF4qxNa?si=QDXRKkMaQ120RFlk2n5VAQ

-Finally have good responses from my mass message for clinic appointments. I felt relieved.

-meet Gabriel for the 2nd time, and the sex was amazing. Was able to cum tremendously this time. Gave him a good massage to practice my "body work" skill and we were able to talk a little bit about each other. It is a good moment.

 

16/11

For blog entry:

-listen to audiobooks of murakami's wind-up bird chronicle. I realized i didn't remember the details of the entirety of it, aside from it being too long (two volumes) i might not have the readership maturity when i first read it. I would agree that murakami's characters are weird and absurd. I only made out of sense on it when i get it alongside the absurdity of my own life experiences. The surreality of unreal and reality.

-worried about my arv medication and sent mass email to all possible clinics as my private insurance doesn't cover it.

-continue with my job applications as backup for next year.

-there is so much noise in my head and in my heart. Uncertainties, fear and loneliness. Called maxie bella.

15/11

-papa's 75th bday. i know that he is still grieving with the passing of auntie Myrna, but i pray to God to give him strength to carry on. Sending him love.

-watched marvin samaco's india trip series

-Rewatched Elite series and realized im living in the area where it was mostly shot here in Collado Villalba 

14/11

-talked with Vera and released all my frustrations about my residency here in Spain under a student visa instead of a working permit that i felt limited and my finances is just enough to scrape me by. Also the loneliness i felt. Cried as i release these bitter tears in my eyes.

-Friday night and i am penniless. Plus the weather was dampy and cold. Grabbed my wine and cheese in the fridge and played bjork Volta live in Paris and party inside my room. I felt euphoric.

13/11

-It dawns on me that I'm always tired because my mind always feels unsafe. Away from home, away from my family and friends, my community.

Listening to the audiobook: murakami's "the wind-up bird chronicle" as i read it years ago and wanted to relive the memory of it. I felt i can relate to lieutenant mamiya. At times, especially this time of colder and lonely months, I felt living abroad is like being in a war. Away, desolate and miserably lonely.

12/11

-got the news that my aunt myrna passed away today. I hope Papa, as next to kin, would have several years before his turn. I want to see him live in his 80's or beyond. As long as I'm able to see him live a comfortable life (ideally once i got my resort business) once again before he passes away.

11/11

-today, I'm totally moneyless. Simply did nothing fancy. Just nothing

-met Dario, the sexy Syrian, once again but i felt nothing

-wished for something like someone i feel safe and feel at home with, and abundance, but in the end i simply wish for contentment.

 

10/11

-Finally had someone who can really fuck me well and have a huge dick. He also speaks English so we're able to communicate well. He asked for my WhatsApp after our sex so let's see how this goes. His name is Gabriel just from here in Collado Villalba.

08-09/11

-wala koy undang sa pagtan-aw sa akong feeds sa fb for the damages brought by typhoon Tino in Cebu, pero sakit kaayo . So i have to protect my heart as well and all i could do is send my prayers for those who were affected specially mga previous officemates and friends nako didto.

-im also dealing with flooding to loneliness. Especially with the cold weather. I felt im numb. 

-had a long walk towards iglesia de naval quijigo and saw the ruins. Maybe that's why I love abandoned houses and ruins because i resonate with them.

07/11

-i am filled with quiet joys recently. I just rewatched The Secret World of Arrietty and again drowned with the beauty of studio ghibli and the bittersweet feeling of transient love.

-can't get over with the med intern and Dario as i had a moment with them after classes.

06/11

- i woke up just past midnight, had a hard time going back to sleep, and I blogged:

https://hotmug.blogspot.com/2025/11/only-yesterday-did-i-learn-his-name.html

-the moon is still so bright from the full moon last night. Went for a night walk even how chilly it is. Walk with my headphones on and finish the 46hr long (3 volume) 1Q84. I was beyond ecstatic with the ending and was even reliving the out of this world dream like trance with the novel. Specifically how i traverse the underground passageway from the collado Villalba Highway where i first came here. I hope, with the view of the moon, i have now overcome the harsh realities of the past and come into a new world.

-It's one of those best moon nights, especially since I am in line on what i am hearing (audiobook) that somehow reflects on what i am experiencing. This exchanging phrase hit me hard:

"You said you're going far away," Tamaru said. "How far away are we talking about?"

"It's a distance that can't be measured."

"Like the distance that separates one person's heart from another's.

- 1Q84

05/11

-so manilva.guy has a name. Before i only knew his initials: ESL.

Then just now, his profile came across my facebook account after I synced my contacts.

And his real name is Eloy Sanz Luque. As I got into his account, i went through a whirlpool of images, so I wandered in wonder. And i stop myself before i get myself back to the quagmire. We are having this rainy autumn, a seasonal shift to the harsh cold of the upcoming winter. My heart simply shudders in the coldness of loss.

Quick mantra:

"What returns does so for understanding, not possession.

I meet the past with clarity, the present with calm, and the future with choice.”

03-04/11

-rewatched studio ghibli's Red Turtle and i felt I'm on an island right now here in Collado Villalba. All i have to do is give up the idea of fighting my compulsions and give in what this quiet place can bring.

-felt worried about my family in Cebu as they had a very destructive typhoon 

-typhoons in the Philippines is like tossing a marble on a board game of (un)fortune, it can landfall on Luzon, visayas or in mindanao.. hmm it can be satirical interactive art form

-having this as a gentle reminder from st. Francis de Assisi on what it is to be strong:

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/17g8sdiUDn/

02/11

-was depressed. Sad and lonely from yesterday's blow (jose Luis ).

I knew it the moment i woke up. Instead of lingering on the feeling, i have to get up and do my grocery. 

-call Mamu and my family in the Philippines and Max who is now in Biri island with Shawie. So somehow it made me laugh and simply enjoy the sunny side of life.

-tried to jog to ease the suffering and get comfort from the autumn leaves and the impermanence of this season.

01/11

-woke up with a dream. Chai welcomed me and Russ in the Philippines and we eat karenderia food and they are so affordable and we have this sense of so much plenty 

-have this guided meditation the moment I woke up:

https://youtu.be/rfytDN9bYj8?si=_UBBePk7G3hzl5Zu

-jose Luis didn't make it for our date, family duties). So i went shopping in the carrefour hypermarket. The found 50eur went to buy a rice cooker that i have to replace from my landlady. So instead of going for a Halloween party, i found myself walking in the freezing cold and try not to spend because my money is already budgeted.

-this is the most boring Halloween weekend for me. I muse myself with having a peak on Russ in syquía with friends yesterday and also revisiting my old pictures.

then and now

 

spolarium  x guernica

2015 x 2025

Severed: on Murakami's South of the Border, West of the Sun

I just re-finished South of the Border, West of the Sun by Murakami upon seeing a book club that would discuss it at the end of the day. I already read it as one of the first Murakami books I read upon recommendation by my German design teacher (Ingrid). I think I was 20 years old at that time. And I tried to also remember if it's Dance Dance Dance or this one, South of the Border, West of the Sun, which she handed over to me. I believe one or the other, because she kind of introduced me to Murakami and later I became an avid reader. I also have this vague memory that I reread it as an e-book around 2017 after I broke up with my second boyfriend, Gerard. Reading this book always gave me this comfort to accompany me in my pain.

Then eight years after, with not so vivid a memory of the book, I scoured to find an audio book that I could listen to, which was doable since it only has 15 chapters and is around 8 hours in length. It's like binge-watching an entire season of a series. So I said, I will give it a shot. The last time I had this thrill of finishing a book was with Harry Potter when my schoolmate in high school lent me his book and said, “You can only have this for a day since someone else wishes to read it the next day.” So here I was, sitting under a mango tree behind our school campus in UP High Cebu until dusk, and I got so mesmerized and drunk-like with euphoria when I finished the book in one sitting.

So I started and was determined to finish it before the scheduled book club gathering at night, but when I was on the 12th chapter, I dozed off, and when I woke up, the remaining three chapters could not be finished. So I was only able to finish listening to it until chapter 13.

So there I was, at my first Murakami book club. At first I was very hesitant since I consider Murakami as something I want to keep to myself, like a jar of cookies I want to savour on my own. But I was very curious how it goes, so I joined, and lo and behold I met other Murakami fans who were so eager to share their thoughts. Although I am so shy, and the organizers were not sensitive enough in how to manage the participants who wanted to share. There was an attempt when I wanted to share my thoughts with video and camera, but there were participants whom I assume to be long-time members who could not be stopped, or I was very conscious not to interrupt to show respect. So I ended up only chatting some of my few reactions.

Some of the ideas that were shared were quite interesting; some of them I nodded to in agreement; some I had a different belief about based on my personal perspective. With this book discussion, I kept an open mind and secretly held on to what I believe and how it struck me. One of those is the realization that the film Past Lives is a parallel with this one. Also, the possibility of Shimamoto as something imagined. Well, for me she is real. Now, let me go ahead and write some of my memories of this book and my re-realizations after encountering this book for the third time.

Shimamoto is real, and I have some theories why:

Shimamoto has “taning.”
She is about to die (the medication she has, with which she almost died when she forgot to take some),
and yes, she wanted to kill herself,
and eventually wished to die with Hajime.
It's all or nothing—even the gift she gave but eventually got back:
a severing of ties, a memory---not a promise, a non-verbal goodbye.

For me, it’s one of Murakami’s most grounded novels—stripped of magic realism and focused instead on what it means to be human: suffering, raw darkness, and quiet pain.

To commemorate, I went for a walk in Cerillo (Collado Villalba) on a freezing autumnal cold and watched the sky bleed. I could not feel my hands as both of them were like ice.

The sadness I felt with the book is still within me, bringing back painful memories that I also personally have, which ride along in each passage. As if I punished myself again and again as I reminisced all the instances I got brokenhearted. I felt overwhelmed with pain, and I cried in the middle of a darkening field.

Now it does

 

This is the actual copy of the book I read back in 2008. I was twenty-three, in my first real love, and I remember having this vague sense that it was a wonderful book—just one whose teeth never quite sank into me.

Lately, I’ve been fascinated by listening to audiobook versions of Murakami’s works. I always tell my friends that once I’ve encountered Murakami, it’s hard to read—or even care about—other authors. With my eyesight declining, rereading on a screen, like an e-book, isn’t really an option anymore.

In that sense, listening to the audiobook version brings me so much joy. It’s a way of revisiting and reimagining the stories I first loved, reliving the feeling of those earlier reading days, and reconnecting with the memories of being completely absorbed in his worlds. 

Now, I am listening to the audiobook of Murakami’s The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, I’m realizing how little I actually retained. Beyond remembering that it was long (those three volumes combined into one felt endless), I don’t think I had the readerly maturity for it at the time.

Murakami’s characters are undeniably weird and absurd, but this time around the absurdity feels different—sharper, more familiar. Maybe because I finally have enough of my own life’s absurdities to hold it up against. That blurry line between the unreal and the real doesn’t feel like fiction anymore; it feels like recognition.

Back then, the last thing I remembered clearly was Toru pondering inside the well (as i personally have an experience stuck in a well when I was a kid, long story). I didn’t even register the theme of betrayal. And honestly, why would I have? I was in my early twenties, still in love with Julio, floating in my first wonderful relationship. I wasn’t jaded yet—still giddy with romance, still busy romanticizing romance itself. Everything felt soft and sensual and hopeful. No wonder the darker threads of the novel slid right past me.

After all the heartaches, the brokenness, the emptiness I’ve lived through since, the book finally has weight. Its essence is no longer just palatable—it’s digestible. It makes sense now in a way it never could have back then. Now it does.

Only yesterday did I learn his name.

I woke up in the middle of the night, just past midnight and went to pee outside (yes, we have an external toilet in this apartment) and brave the harsh northern Spain early winter cold just to see the full moon. But here, unlike in Andalusia, it is usually cloudy.

My hometown was struck by a terrifying typhoon yesterday. Images of a devastated Cebu keep me awake long after I close my eyes. Past midnight, I woke suddenly and couldn’t fall back asleep — as if the Andalusian sea breeze went here in Madrid carried with it the same haunting images of Manilva Guy. Only yesterday did I learn his name.

Eloy. Eloy. Eloy. 

Eliger in Spanish, from the Latin word means "to choose". All this time, he has this name. It's weird. We haven't introduced ourselves properly. We haven't exchanged names but here i am, i choose to love, smitten by him. 

It dawned on me that what we had was a transient kind of love — it began in February and ended by April. Three months of heavenly sex and hellish jealousy.

From a distance, it was only a fleeting moment. Yet, like Elio and Oliver’s summer, ours was a fling in spring — sun and rain, seeds bursting to life, blossoms at their peak, then wilting in their own beauty. A blanket of fog dissolving at sunrise.

As Sho once said in The Secret World of Arrietty, “There was a time it felt like a borrowed memory.” Eloy would see it differently — perhaps a therapist would have their own word for it — but I have to claim it. Because no matter how brief it was, it changed me completely.

It reawakened my childhood trauma. I know I’ve written about this before — and here I am, writing it again, as it resurfaces beneath this Taurus full moon, ruled by Mars.

A karmic checkpoint. Emotional flare-ups. Old patterns reaching out to the “new me.” Or am I still defining myself through who I once was?

I ask myself: What am I being shown about my patterns of giving and receiving love?

Acts of service and submission. Acts of surrendering fear while craving trust as protection. An alien, a migrant seeking validity, pareja de hecho, desperate for a permit — for belonging. A plea, a need for home.

But what I found was not clarity, but complexity — jealousy birthing distance, detachment disguised as control.

And yet, at the centre of the storm, something steadier emerges. A quiet understanding that home was never something to be given — it was something to be remembered.

And yet, perhaps this, too, is part of the healing — learning that even when love unravels, I remain. Whole, watchful, becoming.

ug sa dihang, naa siyay ngalan

kaniadto, inisyal ra — E.S.L.

murag hunghung sa mga anghel

pero karong gabii, 

ilang mga paku, adunay mga ngabil

mga pagkinto kinto sa mga tiil

kalit silang ni siwil.

usa ka tanum.

usa ka liso

sa pagturok, wala ko mag dahum

nga abi nako, 

dugay na siya na lubong

sa menteryo sa kalimut.

apan, sa akong fb feed,

kalit nisubang 

dala ang mga kagahapon

mga hinumduman, nikamang

mga kalag, nibangon

ug sa dihang, naa siya'y ngalan:

Eloy Sanz Luque

murag sa akong ngipon,

adunay nigimaw

usa ka dako nga kiki

iyang mga hulagway,

taga "click next"

paksit!

tagsa-tagsa, 

mupisik ang mga kasakit.

mga hulagway 

nga daw sa yawa, 

ni agik-ik.

ni lanog sa kangitngit.

"Undangon tah ni, peste!"

Sa dili pa matintal usab,

sa dili pa maimpyerno ug balik

sa gawas, 

ang uwan sa kahilum nag lumba

mitulo ang iyang ngalan: 

E.S.L.

ga kinto-kinto, 

susama sa gatusan na mga tiil