find your peace

in a noisy world full of uncertainties, don't forget to smile and breathe.

take good care of your mental health at all costs.

04/2021

04/30

-a very promising day

04/29

-remembering Vera

-was planning to go russ' place to celebrate for her but got some hesitations due quarantine protocols

-i remember the time when we created a video dedicated for vera at paco

***

-almost lost my phone together with my cc as i dropped them, i was like rummaging through the dark corners and grass fields i stayed.. my heart was pounding hard while trying to accept i lost another fortune, my contacts and my photos.. my memories and have them lost all to forgetfulness.. good thing the guy i am flirting with just before i realized i lost my phone found it with his flashlight and we end up having dinner. on me. gosh.. another temporary heart attack

-we talked about his current "unlabeled love life" which reminds me of what i had with arturo and he got angry when i laughed so hard with his stories and told him about the painful realities and simply have to accept it. Eventually, as what i've been though, it will make you tough and even appreciate life even more. I realized i used my pain for arturo as my fuel.

-when i got home, my phone's screen is slowly turning into a pool of darkness

04/28-30

-staring blankly at the moon

04/27

-can't get over with Zhang Ziyi's performance in The Banquet, and have the full soundtrack, including Tan Dun's Only for Love and longing in silence  play endlessly for more than a week.

04/26

-thoughts: from this community fridge in NY, the community pantry in

maginhawa, and then the community bday celebration disaster

-experiencing: analysis paralysis

once again. 

04/25

-carri's bday

spent it with great food, good drinks and great companions. had fun

04/24

-finally after weeks of abstinence and mecq curfew, was able to jog and

several sexual encounters, two of which i got anal (frm atom araullo look

alike and one hunky guy by his car)

i felt rejuvenated.my sexual powers 😅🤤

04/23

-taking advantage of the promo wars between grabfood and foodpanda

they got this 40% off promo plus 30%off on pickups, feasting on nomu, rodic's and Friuli's almost everyday.

-found out dan had a virtual/long distance bf? 

i dunno.. dream discarded

04/22

-having this communication with dan marcielo, kinda having kilig with him. morning and night

-jog while raining

felt refreshed specially during these summer months

-i have this favorite spot near a rivulet, lying while feeling the rain on my skin, and a damp humid summer night. plus the sound of the flowing water makes me feel like im a retreat spa.

immensity overload

a divine journey

04/21

-felt sorry with gerald valero's loss with his brother's passing, i

remember the last time before we broke up, it was his brother who met us in

the airport. 😢

-felt terribly sad, i have khatyas b's chopin preludes 28 no. 4 on the loop.

04/19

-going through my old photos in FB tagged by friends (which i usually don't

display in my one wall) made me realized gosh, i lived a wonderful life.

-i am overwhelmed how after 2009 since my fb account was created, i

definitely gone through crazy and beautiful memories.

-i am so much filled with gratitude and contentment to the extend i am so

ready to die (knock on wood)

-ligo sa ulan.. it felt so magical and resetting

04/18

-spent kuya bday mostly at jess' place in Valenzuela..

04/14

-i felt my days are slipping by again. also i felt i dont have that

connection with people, as soon as im flashing that smile it easily

swallowed by something else. i felt this long stance on social distancing

makes me less of a human 😢

-rewatched 500 days of summer and relive that good tracks

04/13

-Jon Santos podcast made.me validates that we are now being comfortable

being uncomfortable:

https://youtu.be/O_xzXbYxv5c

-for some weird and random reason, marvin dumrigeu's comment on my post

makes me kilig ahaha 🤭😚☺️

04/12

-spent so.much on food

- someone asked me how am i doing, i told her ecq.part2 made me lazy and

apathetic parang naging numb na ako sa pagiging masaya, or malungkot.. from

being excited or being bored.. i just feel nothing.. is this ok? ahaha

-i had a potential date but he was too coward with the UP guards with all

the protocols within UP campus

-i guess il end up a spinster.

04/11

-tbh, the government and its officials made me sick compared to the actual

pandemic (incompetencies and corruption)

-hard to breathe specially if something negative, bad news hit you. 

anxiety ridden

anxiety attacks

-have to remind myself to stretch, breathe and put the monkey mind in silence

-this saved me frm my long time grudge for those who

have done wrong towards me:

https://thoughtcatalog.com/nikita-gill/2017/05/when-someone-hurts-you-remember-one-day-they-will-hurt-too/

04/10

-had a great time hosting our q1 townhall with Joshua Bautista.. my 2nd

time to be liya michelle during the virtual event.

-watched studio ghibli's porco rosso. there's a part in there, the cloud of

dead pilots in their last flight, that insinuate afterlife is beautiful.. i

was wondering if it generally consist the japanese collective consciousness

thus they rather choose death than live a hellish way of life.

04/09

the ones who greeted me personally are my friendly neighboring dogs and its

pure genuine and no stain of anything.

had my breakfast at my special spot, a bench in a grassy field filled with

flower bearing narra trees, with its golden showers of minute yellow petals.

its a quite breezy summer day, nothing much but sheer gratitude and

complete peace of mind.

less expectation less frustration

had emily kings: first time. play on the loop

04/08

i felt old, and having that feeling that i have to settle down.. but part

of me still wish to do things i can do before.. partying, flirt and have sex

i felt sad, as my bday falls again on a ecq quarantine, i counter react it

with food from friuli tatoria, had some putanesca and tres formageri and

drown it with chardonay

usually i do self compassion fist, in that way, self pity is not that

terrible. gosh

the moment the time struck midnyt, i took a bath, lighted a candle and had

some incense fills the air.

04/07

-do work out at the outdoor gym in uphk

-just make tanga, and watched the foliage out frm my window

-if only, i could have spent 3 years of quarantine in bantayan island.

04/06

ecq part 2 is in full force

simply work at home, savour the mundane quietness

-ive overheard a physician one time, that Spanish flu pandemic lasted for 3

years. we are on our first year yet we are too adamant to deal about it.

-ecq made me feel low and social media posts are terrifying. so i usually

just veer away from it as much as possible

-one quote i encountered is 

"life isn't about waiting for the storm to

pass.. its about learning to dance in the rain" 

-vivian greene

04/05

-its been three weeks since my operation so i tried to make do with someone

and gosh, i bled. msge max what to do and she said just do oral for the

meantime. i was scared

-watched between maybes by gerald and julia.. kelan ko kaya ma meet gerald

ng buhay ko? lols

04/04

-grocery with mark paul and mamu, we have so much great food throughout the

day with john2x and leanne's cooking

-watched the hostiles and i care a lot

also watched eerie and kuwaresma.. nothing beats horror movie with family

(with baby xin2x and kuya carlo)

-went biking until rave forest, its been a while since i get there and went

biking.. iba..

-bond with mamu at night, i like it when we have this usual talks before

sleeping, its very comforting

04/03

going to mamu's

to make bawi since she was sick last time, and i was so dead worried. im

glad she's now doing ok. although she is still get pissed with papa

specially when hes drunk. i dunno with my parents, i am actually good with

my own, my parents are sometimes source of my stress instead of the other

way around. maybe that's why i might end up a spinster.. 😅

-gave mamu a massage, since her knee is still not doing well. im glad she

was able to attain a good night sleep.

04/02

just spent my holy week friday working out on CHK outdoor gym

sleeping, gosh my 12hr sleep was attained

watch the assistant (2019) i love how it was just building up and then wala

na.. nakakabitin. so anti thesis of most usual films

04/01

- i had a new crush: proud race' rick rasos 😁🤭😅

03/2021

 

03/31

-woke up with a happy dream, im in a gathering, a celebration of sorts,

then my ideal guy appeared to greet me. as if im blushing. then i join vera

russ and chai for a salo2x

03/30

-i got worried bec my mother had a flu, got re connected with my niece as

well, chloe but i am really more of actual conversation Rather than online

-ecq made my going out really limited

-my surgery is still bleeding but im.done with my medication. i cant wait

to do things what i usually do.

03/29

-hooked with mtv following for bretmanrock with his sister and friends. it

made me remember my early 20's vibes/energy.

-i reread my blog 15 years ago and i was totally a bas ass and sentimental

bitch who is so fucked up yet ready to conquer the world. laughs.. such

memories.

03/28

-sent my pinball murakami and whale fin plant to russ as my belated bday

present

-also greeted my favorite brother, markpaul happy bday and sent him some

treats. i am so generous today.

03/27

-had my ff.up check up in FEU, and the thought of seeing dr. ritchie

mendoza makes me kilig.. i saw him and he is as cute as ever with his loud

voice. msged him in viber just to say hi and thank him for what heve done..

but it appears that's all there is to it. another love hope lost again.

-since it was declared ncr to be put on ecq again for a week, went around

trinoma, sm north and ayala.. yes bitch, i went malling. and got my skagen

watch that ive been dreaming of since 2010. gosh 😅

03/26

-i'll be back for work this coming monday after 3 weeks on medical leave,

it feels like my long break is over.

-watched the series: Lucifer

i like the line where the psych said people doesn't have power over us, but

we give it to them.. so we need to get it back (thinking about the case of

Dave and Saeed)

03/25

i will start a 3 day

social media detox

i wish i could do a yoga retreat but during this quarantine, this is the

least i can do

03/24

its drizzling, had coffee while walking while doing my laundry, i still do

multi task even if its been going three weeks since im having my sick leave

from work.

i just realize, its been two weeks since my last sexual encounter. i guess

my wound is kind of healed, went to the lagoon and university ave for

cruising, met this guy named josh, he's a UP alumna, he's cute and my type,

kind of arturo's charm, smelled his pits and savour his manhood. its been a

while since i swallowed someone's cum.

03/23

watched series of online webinars and forums, one notable discussion i had

was with a prof. from Sevilla Spain and the presentation became a

debriefing of colonial mentality under the Spanish while discussing the

history of Philipine architecture.

03/22

-watched pricess kaguya

my take on it is that u dont have to refine urself to have to goodness in

life.

it also about decisions bestowed upon by parents or by society. i should go

to where i will be the most happy.

03/21

after almost a week of being admitted in a hospital with dextrose, i felt

my body fluids and senses went back to default, so the moment i got home,

my usual hot cacao and cinnamon smells like heaven.

03/20

seen julio's picture in bantayan and it brought back memories while we are

still together.. i was young and i was so in love

gosh, that was almost 2 decades ago.

but there are things that u can simply remember and cannot bring it back.

03/19

zone out

03/18

-had my operation done

-its been a while since i was in an OR, my last was 2017

so i

"wasnt able to attend russ bday i had my surgery

a"

even my initial journal entry was induced with anesthesia

later on when i had my senses kind of got back, i watched cesar hernandos

film gayuma..

03/17

-finally got admitted in FEU hospital and my surgery is scheduled tomorrow

morning with doctor capulong.

-was about to do my online class and when prof may lyn cruz saw me im in

ER, she was kind to defer it for another time

-again meet Doctor mendoza and he finger me once more. God knows how much i

have a huge crush on him.

the moment of pain came-inserting of dextrose.

-watched patay na si hesus

03/15

-i felt uneasy to do case study works while nursing an infection. a surgery

prolonged by swab test.

-its a difficult day

03/14

-met carri and spent time at juanitos and side street cafe

-she invited some strangers in our table and had a very good conversation

03/13

-simply got cozy in the room and listen to the rain..

-met michael, whos frm up bliss bldg 14, had a great convo inside his car

while we had take out coffee.. we end up at his place

-got sad and frustrated with dave, he has a lot of fuss. mag sakit lang ako

dughan. im not even sure if he is really my type. i guess he is not worth

pursuing.

03/12

-might bec im missing rihanna for too long, now im starting to listen and

back tracking azelia banks 212,wintour,misscamaderie

03/11

its really a difficult week

-thesis proposal

-fistula surgery

-prt test

03/09

-had a teleconsult and i have to undergo surgery

-i guess i really need a break

i am exhausted

03/04

ive never felt so old

im tired and sleep deprived.

(thesis and one major class, anthro179, planned and unplanned culture

change)

good thing i meet a fuck buddy, 26 year old biggie. in sex, one become

ageless.

03/03

inspired by brenda fajardos vision in art education, to think she was my

teacher in art stud the moment in entered UP diliman.