30/04
-woke up sad and horny. thinking of manilvaguy. So here we are again.
-rewatched jean Jacques annaud's "the lover"
It's been a decade since the first time I saw it. It is as potent as before, as the sensuality and raging emotions rushed again through me.
I guess, just like the young french girl, i just have to drown myself with tears for the unthinkable future i have with manilvaguy as i get assigned to Madrid next school year.
-i think, whatever feeling of loss and pain right now, is the price that i have to pay for the ecstatic pleasures i had had.
29/04
-created a(n) homage video to vera leigh with her contento na ka blog entry
-kept on looking outside as a white car parks infront of my balcony. I fantasize about Manilvaguy's. I guess i am back under his spell. The crescent moon is covered with clouds and the wind is chilly for a night in spring.
28/04
-woke up with rena, the Brazilian guy, we had coffee and toast.. nice morning talk.. cuddling and all . but something is not right. We are both bottoms 😅
-theater play at felipe IV, with the English classes. Spend time with the kids specially with Dani who is so eager to be part of the production. But angel (enca's class) is so marvellous and hilarious.
-meet Ruben, and we had a very hot encounter on the balcony and at the kitchen. First time he kissed me while he fucked me. We are both so horny that we had a great orgasm
27/04
-finally meet the curly guy i saw at playa del cristo. He happened to be a 6'2 Brazilian. Chat all day with him and spend the night at my place.
26/04
-as expected, i had a major relapse with manilvaguy, the cycle went on again, specially once he messaged
and he won't push through, making me jealous if he might find another one else. I am itching to block him again, but i will try to give it some time, let's see how much i can withstand it.
-so went on finding a diversion, as usual, when I'm going through heartbreak. Good thing daddy crush is online (fernando) and in fact his partner is also there. The partner, is doing coke with someone so i had a sniff and had a momentary high. It was a good fuck with the partner but he usually put me off so revenge time.. lols and let him salivate what he was missing. Specially i had a nice tan from costa natura and my constant biking made my butt oh so the yummy, like deliciously tanned, as if a grill with that burnt marking that makes it mouth watering.. they both had a taste and god their dicks are equally huge and they are like gods. But i have to focus with Fernando, he is the one i said yes to.i even give him a massage as a way to body worship him.. gosh, as always, its an absolute pleasure with him. Like he won't finish until i am satisfied. It's just sunrise when we are done, such a good way to start a day.
-can't get over with my presence earlier.. just realized there's another bottom, but the other top keeps on coming for me.. but i focus on Fernando.. such an awesome bitch energy, i felt I've regained my reign.
-22:22 just blocked manilvaguy for the 2nd time. Out of sight out of mind. Just seeing his profile looking for a three some. It sent some flash cuts in my heart. Plus what he did last night was unforgivable. Erase him for good.
25/04
-sent out SOS to my nearby friends, lyza and alex:
"Pasensya na guyssss.. the ex crush, after i am trying to move on, just msged me all of a sudden and had sex with me.. im afraid I might go on a relapse.. pero bahala na.. i wish y'all just nearby neighbors whom i can simply call and say: "tara guys, tagay na pud.." lols"
Yes, i am talking about manilvaguy guy, after blocking him and everything, he had a new account in gr and was able to msge me.
I am curious and doing a temp check, if I, am really over him of which i know i am still within the 40 days moving on.
But to hell with do's and dont's, if i need to go back to zero, so be it. I guess i am used to it, so it shouldn't be a news anymore. Fixing is, in a way, like washing dishes, a regular thing for me.
I let him be, i will let myself be as well.. that's it. No more over thinking.
24/04
-went biking. Passed by costa natura and gosh, I saw one of the most beautiful bodies i've ever seen. Just admiring its beauty is just enough.
I went to my favourite spot and done a hot stone therapy. Just lying naked on a sun drenched stone. It feels so good.
-went to manilva beach and had beer. Spring flowers are in bloom. And its warm and beautiful weather. Such a wonderful ride.
23/04
-day 16, moving on
He's always on my mind, he's just someone I love, in my mind:
21/04
-talked with russ and we share each other's holy week's "unholy" experiences and restoration.
-also cannot get over with my analogy of my pain towards manilvaguy. Although every hurt has its potency of its own, but hearing alex's story about his Bulgarian (ex)girlfriend and knowing ahlyn's loss of her deceased husband, makes me realise i am wailing on a deep wound, while them, just stifling their tears with a complete lost of a limb. Hearing and knowing their stories makes me feel I am not alone with this kind of pain.
21/04
: 05:15, "it wasn't Fernando anymore.."
Miu, sputnik swear heart/murakami, adam sims
Being polluted
For me, as if it was the traumatised child in me trying to make love with the
Jealousy and sex scandal my father had. That ghost from the past that destroyed me that makes me fall in love with the wrong person again and again (just like towards francis monfort, arturo and manilva guy, shadow works i need to work on.. as deeper as it can get to totally resolved and restore myself.
20/04
-easter sunday
-had my first egg hunt w/ melacomes.. finally seen and had a great encounter with him after a long long time. Told him he was my first Spanish dick. And we took a video of our encounter. As always, i consume every drop of him. 😋
-attended Domingo de resurrección (agrupación) en iglesia santa maria de los remedios. I am glad to see actions in this (my first) church here in spain, that first i thought of a sleepy old town church.
-meet lucas later. He is really handsome. We kissed passionately, if only he allows me to body worship him, I could have done it but he prefers not to do it. Just like how he doesn't like semana santa.
-meeting my firsts today, as if im having a full circle on how i came here in Estepona for the first time
-felt lazy today, not wanting to go out. Maybe done a lot of house cleaning and trimming my hair has drained my energy.
-it's around 22h that i went biking to cancelada. It is not as far as it used to, maybe im getting used to the path. But i am still having the chills for the dark boardwalk near beso beach Laguna.
-revisited the place where i tried to set boundaries with manilva guy and i am glad my feelings are not as intense anymore.. how long has it been since i cut communications with him? 13 days? Well im not even half with my 40day mourning but i am getting better, on my way to be much better.
19/04
-black Saturday. operating with only 3 hrs of sleep, i still feel energized as the three of us, (lyza and alex) went to playa del christo. Near havana. I really had a wonderful time swimming, although the water is still cold but it was exhilarating. I dozed off by the beach.
-someone is inviting me to stay with him in las dunas, but too bad he is not my type. It proves that regardless if you are offering me a luxury hotel accommodation, if it's gonna be with someone i don't like, i still won't bite on the bait. I rather have it in a rustic or simple hut with someone i really like.
-had a sweet bed moment with alex and lyza, three friends just talking about love life, dating app and summer plans. Such a nice way to end our reunion.
18/04
-kuya carlo's bday, sent my greetings via our family GC and also share our pictures together when we are younger.
-reunite with bai bai bai, alex and lyza. We had coffee first and then have beer by the beach. Alex went on with his relapse as well for his Bulgarian gf. Listening to him makes me feel less of a pain for manilvaguy and brayan. Then lyza just came from her Morocco trip and we catch up.
After cooking for them with my pancit pasta fusion, we continue our beer drinking session and we had a round table discussion with what is arising and what is fading and we had a marvellous talk.
-had a hard time sleeping at the salon as felt some ghosts/spirits as Maria told me that the french grandparents laid to rest there.
17/04
-went to the beach and do sun bathing
-was able to my first ever Spanish poem:
Mi primer amor
Mi primer dolor
-paella day with Ignacio, isa, maria and carlos.
-good food and good conversation
-then maria, carlos and i went to a bar around plaza Antonia Guerrero and listened to their lovelife story
-then i am able to see the procession for the huebes santo.
-i am so drunk and slept early, not able to see Ruben's late messages (we are supposed to meet)
16/04
-talk with russ about my relapse yesterday. And absolutely appreciated him for being an ear and heart in this painful moment in my life.
-learn about betrayal trauma of which can lead to complex trauma.
Again, it was rooted from my jealous and cheating father, of which, my mother, tried to be blind about it to save the family. As much as she wants to get away from my father, she doesn't want us to grow in a broken family.. she only able to get away from my father when we are big enough to be independent and understand what's really happening. One thing i didn't know is that the collective trauma we had at that time still retained a very bad scar in me and also brings back some unattended wound. That is why its coming back to me as a phantom pain.
Watched Dr. Ramani video on how to heal from betrayal trauma:
15/04
-had a major relapse with manilvaguy. It was so bad i cried all day. It was as bad as Arturo days.
14/04
-ya terminaste oÃr haruki murakami Norwegian wood en Spotify (syndicate bokaholic)
Lo traer mucha memoria de mi vida antes. Tan increÃble experiencia.
-"dadalhin kita with me some where you can shine and be happy " sana mey mag sasabi din sakin nyan balang araw.. rewatching kailangan kita after more than 20 years..
-meet daddy Antonio (since he looks like young Antonio Banderas) as always we had steamy wild sex. We had a great talk on his terrace overlooking the sea afar and the moon. He had a wonderful place at tres banderas. Found out he is living there with his husband for 19 years. Although im still rough but Was kind of impressed myself as i was able to carry a full length Spanish conversation.
-went to my favourite beach near tikitano and sang to the moon. Kailangan kita. Ikaw (sharon) ikaw ang lahat sakin
-got stranded as it rained so hard, remembered what happened to me in Gibraltar.. but was able to withstand the cold and had a marvellous ride going back home biking.
-had a wonderful meal and hot bath. I love my life
-now it make sense why life begins at 40, at this stage (although i still have dreams) but im less ambitious and i don't feel pressured to prove anything. Life is so good and it's constantly kind and giving..
13/04
-finally meet cc.bb been msging him since October last year and it's just now we met. He looks like an arrabic spanish. and his manly scent is soooo good. After out sex i felt like dragon ball z science, all the Energy is coming blazing around my aura
12/04
-morning talk with my Papa. Asked him about jealousy as i believe i got it from him. He advised not to be possessive, that's the ultimate key. Let the other person be free. He then wishes that i can meet the love of my life here in Spain.
- aries-pisces orbit videocall with russ, lem and jazel Kristen. Nice way to catch up with our birthdays and also whatever fades and arises at this moment. Also, at the end of our session we had a random card oracle and i got: Surrender to the Journey
-meet Gibraltar guy once again and we had a more intense love making this time, at the salon. This time he came inside me. I missed him and found him as the sexy English Arab.
11/04
-talked with Vera Lei and told her about how i become sensitive to all the happiness around me. Now im back in becoming "mabaw ug kalipay". Grateful to whatever comes on my way and Don't have to ask or search what's not in there
10/04
-still can't get over from yesterday, but the universe keeps on giving Estepona tour cont..
09/04
-was greeted by the entire school. Kalowka. I usually keep it as a secret, or i usually take a leave. Now, everybody knows my birthday.
-saw profe José Fran on my way home in Estepona centro and such coincidence! He wanna treat me for my birthday and also he is celebrating his promotion for his teacher's qualification. Qué casualidad!
We dine at avocado, at the very heart of plaza de Las Flores!
And shared a review:
08/04
-went to caminito del rey with maria, monica, and the erasmus students both from spain and Finland, one of the best walks ever. Very beautiful
-saw my last sunset for my 39th year of existence when going home to Estepona from malaga. I remember the last time i also had this was when i had my trip from batangas to QC.
-went to this new found hidden shore near tikitano, and jerked off with the moon.
saw a shooting star, a wish: i hope someone will get obsessed with me as much as i am obsessed with him
07/04
-i just can't wait for 4/12, i really need to delete/block manilvaguy so i wont be seeing his profile again and again. It's clear that i am not his person. He said it clearly when we are about to have a sex date, as he insists of doing it with someone else: "if you just alone, i don't want to do it"
Reminds me of Arturo, telling me:
Then, all along, i guess he has done with someone else, one on one.. i felt terrible. A bad romance wrapped in a beautiful illusion.
06/04
-starts with a sipon in my nose and need to sneeze it out but i end up as breakdown in the middle of yoga session as my trauma and body memories are releasing something
Please see random memories 06/04/2025
As rejection triggered something within me and the hurt that i had had. It was a total release and need to heal myself again. Reminding myself that after nikko, i met julio. So i curious how the universe will compensate with all the hurt and confusion im going through right now
05/04
-had a wonderful videocall with papa. Im so happy he is in good shape. He is also well with his finances (pension) and his place at kota.
-finally found my lost mini scissor, that im so bugged about yesterday..
-felt im retrieving something back.. my power and my confidence . my self value and self worth.
04/04
-realized all these times, i am just all about fucking, i mean that always make the highlight of my day, as if my life depends on it. Now, I have this epiphany and energy to finally put it into a different avenue and reserve my sexual drive to something else.
-manilva guy messaged me again for a bottycall but finally got the strength just to simply prioritise my healing.
-saw my history teacher crush again, so him twice now while he jog and me going biking, we had a quick chat with my broken spanish and he hugged me . Eeeehhhhhh... Im so kilig but I don't want to show it.. sana next time with kisses.. lols..
-had the most wonderful night biking ever, from Estepona to cancelada.. under the moonlight. It is so magical and horrifying at the same time specially between the lightless bridge with a lightless mansion.. but it was oh so exhilarating
This made my portal entry:
"And when someone walks away, you don't chase. You let them. Because their leaving doesn't mean you are unworthy it means you are not their person. And that doesn't have to destroy you. "
03/04
-done shadow work and get to watch this self help videos about substance and behavioral (sex) addiction and how to heal from trauma:
02/04
-meet ruben and gehd, he is so horny. Came while he fucked me, however it took him some time before he exploded. My ass got wrecked again. We took some video and gehd it was hawt.
01/04
-april fool's day. Thought it in a class. St Patrick's day and also about unesco heritage, both tangible and intangible.
-i also tried to do my first Spanish joke: no soy milk, soy chocolate. I don't know if it's funny or a a complete fail 😅
-i felt the joke is in me. Keeping loosing and breaking things (sunglasses, memorabilia cups)
-having disputes here and there, unicaja, revolut, amazon.
-ran out of gas in the midst of cooking rice and viands for the week, and no hot shower.. bruised, scratched from my recent accident, cough and flu...
-felt im at the very bottom.. such a way to start the month
-amidst the stress and chaos, just simply be an observer and do complete surrender
