12/2021

12/31

-as usual, we have work at new years eve and as usual. i dont give a damn about work. just logged in and went to chai's place to celebrate new year.. ahaha its a very joyful new year indeed:

chai's post

12/29-30

-felt burnt out with work

-took the holiday and just do nothing.. i really have to follow the waning phase

-luckily, i kinda break my dry spell..finally have 3 huge encounters and third one is awesome. his upper face looks like edward. so i guess this will tide me by til new year 😅

-saeed msge frm gr.. i dunno why he was able to looked me up.

12/28

-got series of not so frustrating encounters.. alam mo yung anjan na kso di matuloy tuloy. 

example dyei frm marikina

then i also had this encounter with tchinto tall guy i already able to taste his hardness kaso maraming tao, then now moreno buff from alabang kaso tapos na sya i was too late but atleast was able to smell his yummy armpits.. then my ultimate cruise buddy na happens to be frm argao but its already his 2nd round frm someone who already sucked him. gosh.. ewan.. i can get no satisfaction is envading my being

12/26

-was suppose to meet dyei.marikina for the 2nd time, di tuloy ulit 😅

-saw jake.hot along the way as always he so hot but cant seems to catch him up. was all dressep up and all.. 

-so i went to sm north which is a wrong move the place was so crowded at hirap sumakay

-so i take my time enjoying my new coat, have hot choco and pan au chocolate at nords and then spend my sodexhos! i eve earned 8k plus some were given yo Jess and leanes as gift. some remaining were supposedly for crocs.. but the one is love is out of stock..so i had a matching brown merrill hydro moc and frebilla. 

-was stuck at sakayan so spent some sakayan at padis sm north where there was this amazing soloist had two beers. got an invite 

12/25

-its weird as how i see this day as another long weekend. i just simply need to hit that reset button with just everything, work, friends, colleagues and even loved ones.

-just spent it over bukage and was craving for this tempura and spam roll.

-was suppose to me dyei from marikina but iguess.my down time with sex and flings is still ongoing. 

-im not expecting this day to be that eventful anyway, just peace and quite.

and then..

-went to h&m and found this wonderful coat. price tag: almost 2k.. i danced with it to test it and its a perfect fit. 😅 never felt so elated for a random shopping. then have coffee at jco. today i spent:

440 muragami meal set

2000 coat

210 jco

total 2650

-then biker.game msged so we met and did it across by the church it was a steamy hot encounter. we tried doing it late September but we just did it.

-then jairus also msge and i now see him as a young adult who is overworked and underpayed. with a lot of responsibilities. i cant help showering him with kindness and care. treat him with goodies, massage and great love making.. that was an ultimate gift i can give.. and his happiness is priceless. 

12/24

-excited for the xmas eve but again, i dont want to set high expectations.. i dont wanna be burnt out this Holidays

-went to UP church and able to hear the choir singing and a short msge frm the parish priest about the lights.. we were bombarded with xmas lights and well lighted lanterns in comparison to cebu who doesnt have even an electricity.. its really about being thankful and know that there are even much worst situation out there.

i was about to say, wala parin akong jowa but fine, no complaints 😅🤣😭

-slept well and headed pasig at my Brothers' place to be with the fam. had a great time enjoying their company over good food, some singing, listening to xmas songs and to hear our laughters.

-when the clock hit midnight, we had so much fun hugging and cheering everyone.

-suppose to meet with TJ, the one im talking with for the past few days but it didnt happen. i thought i will sleep over at his place since hes just around lifehomes.

12/21-23

-my days are uneventful, i dedicated my days in sleeping and quality rest. just recently i found im waning moon baby and i really have the intention for downtime.

-realized i didnt make it to siargao for my supposedly 1 month stay there because of Typhon Odette

-my timeline is depressing with calamity pics even my work got affected, i cant focus and i got annoyed easily.

-just take my time and enjoy as much as i can, try to be gentle and kind.

12/20

-my brother John's bday with my sister and law Jess bday celebration at max's galeria , im genuinely happy with my family even with been through a lot of harship but somehow we are together and spent quality time together.. i am so filled with love with my parents, my brothers, sister and laws and pamangkins.

12/19

-watched minsan lang kita iibin and was fully impressed with Maricel Soriano's performance.. also ricky Lee's scripts are so superb as he able to capture time and essence of ones character in a short and no fuss dialogue.

-down time and focus on my flow

-spent time with family and watched stonehearst asylum and was inspired with the idea of having someone being posessed with your beauty even in the midst of madness

12/18

-felt like im glowing

-saw francis earlier but this time i manage not to stare at him..i felt im getting over him

-meet and have sex with jairus again but he seems to be mistrustful. found out he already have a child at the age of 21?

-met jake.hot.philcoa it was a nice dawn, it just rained last night and its great time for love making with this hot yummy guy

-done yoga and meditation at beta way.

-i smelling things around me as if its my early teen years.. the air is so pungent with excitement and love

-i never felt to sensual for a long time.

-had facial and massage. if i had sir mike as my fave masseur i have carla as my new faveasseuse. felt super renewed.

12/15-17

-super busy with work but im enjoying it. my metrics are doing well and im shining in our scorecards.

-able to meet guys that are 14 years younger than me and i felt im such a hot cougar 😅

12/14

-was looking for the film where maricel said: "walang magbabagong taon" and the film soltera pops up and before i knew it it was for a different film..

but i was super blown by the film and finished it with such mentoring.. its kinda weird how bjork once said something to this effect that you wont have a constant friend who could relate to you but u can find a film to watch and it speaks ur truth.

12/13

watched caution, lust back to back, first with the subtitle and then the next without.. such msge conveyed simply with their expression and internsity of their raw emotions.

12/12

-lazed at kens place with his niece and her chihuahua named bella

12/11

-met up with ken after years of not seing each other gave him a gift: plant and monogatori lube that is intended for his personal use and end up using it with me.

12/10

-i practiced internal journey once again. i took 2 caps of glutharhion and washed it with lemon water with green tea. infused myself with the mist of cinnamon bark, star anis and sibukaw.

my airways cleared and i felt im sort of washing my lungs clean.

with heavy and still breathing.. series of images went through me.. i was able to pinched images of francis.Up and unggoy like tiny tidbit then remove them away like boogers.. and then recover images of my real lovers e.g. julio and gerald and how they made me happy.. also for those people whom i made happy: arturo and francis and for those people i might hurt but they intend to make me happy: lem and the ramp model who gave me a guitar.

and then ultimately i hugged myself with such kindness and compassion that i felt as if im with myself again after a long time..

it was pure happiness that lingers in and out.. every inhale and exhale.

not wanting anything more. a contented smile sealed my whole being. i stayed for that moment as long as i could.

12/09

-watched Ang Lee's Lust, Caution. what a wonderful masterpiece. i am so drawn to it the entire time and i could reflect to Tai taimai's character. just tragically beautiful.

12/08

-totally not intouched with myself nowadays

-listen to a podcast that somehow validate what i am going:

https://open.spotify.com/episode/38mOe3pue7BDo88qW35GC7?si=CWzHAav_TmGmjkrp5USglw&utm_source=copy-link

-was able to pinpoint my ego is the one hurting and not my feelings. and i have to drop my ego

https://open.spotify.com/episode/45s2jJLezIdAzjazdlldHq?si=kVYjR2qDQTeeA158MG7PcA&utm_source=copy-link

-i tried re aligning my patterns: constantly going to the university ave to cruise

but i just cant help it. boredom and loneliness strikes me and thats the only way to divert it. had moment with this 5'10 guy his name is joseph? i dunno not really into him but i had great connection with him and we had great foreplay and luvmaking. atleast my feelings for francis and unggoy is somehow subsiding.

12/07

-we got system issue with amazon work services.. bond with my team mates and with carri. we had bottles of bottles of heinekin and army navy.

-one memorable moment is when she and i sang karaoke with our mobile device by the pond

12/06

-the weather is so cold that im tempted to to partee n play 

-i also want something to numb my feelings for francis.UP and unggoy. there was this guy whos willing to gv me but there are so.much deal breakers that didnt push me to do it with them. it appears its not my thing anymore.

12/05

-seen francis.Up and all feelings came back. that seed of loneliness and yearning is being sprinkled again. i can feel it regrowing. but i have no choice but to uproot it =(

-also pass by marikina and remembered unggoy as well.. i have this ebe dancels accoustic version on the loop:

 mariposaa

-im feeling terrible

-meet fam and went malling with my pamangkins.. they are my ultimate healer

12/04

-got so many happenings im not able to write them all. life is getting ahead of me.

-was about to go home from my shift and met this chinito guy who looks much of a rich kid. whos only 25 and we had some drinks and went to my place. we watched this mininhorror korean series and we end up having sex. it was a great tandem but im. not sure if it will lasts.

12/01-03

-i just dont know if i got excited with december. before i was constantly excited and i felt everyday is a new day. kind of re organized my old stuff and try to reconnect to my 16 year old self. but it appears to be light years away.

11/2021

11/30

was on a long weekend

-met jairus again and lend him pablo Neruda's book of poetry

11/29

-met katipunan guy, after we spent some time together in my room we talked about films. i have this feeling he is a film major.

then theres this guy whos first time cruising in up, show him how to do a great outdoors experience. he shouldnt forget me.

finally meet jairus who looks like diego loyzaga. after i gave him a massage and sleeping right in my arms, he reminds me of arturo.

11/28

-loneliness keeps on ringing my head since chai's reading and had a very VERY bad bout of it and i searched for a film about loneliness:

Robert Eggers' The lighthouse

watched it and whoa.. it totally blows me in every drop of kerosene. it is mad. 

-am i going mad?

-never sleep well.. im so bothered and so bored. i never felt so unhealthy before

11/27

-2 days, 2 weeks or 2 years its been gone since i felt so isolated? i lost track of everything

11/26

-ang sarap nya putah

alam mo yung mapapasigaw ka sa sarap. hunky body of a atenean and utak UPian.. na suck ko at kinantot ako while i came. goshhh that was so good.

11/25

-spent my Thanksgiving holiday with chai

-i cant erase how chai cried over my cards. as if she reads my script, the actual script of my days or even years. and if i have a heart of chai's it will really tear her apart.

but me as a liyo just sneered but looking at her it is like looking at myself poured with the pure acid of what loneliness and bitterness is.

11/24

-attended avyana's first bday straight from duty.. saw mama and papa and my siblings ang my pamangkins. didnt stay long as i got stressed as they intended a big party and they just started preparing. one time i said to my sister in law that our tradition are much simple and we dont celebrate this much. my mother usually let us go to sto. nino and have one ballon. so having this raucous is way too much for me.

11/23

-did not make it to become an sme. as i expected but i admit it kinda sting.

self help and self compassion once again, read: 

https://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/overcome-rejection-accomplish-goals-deal-with-no-be-more-successful.html

11/22

-had a vivid dream of saeed having sex with someone smaller than me and im there to watch them.. saeed was so huge as if he is 10x bigger than the other guy as just like those computer generated porn. i woke up horny and masturbates with the idea of it.

-i guess my obsession with sex doubled compared before was due to the fact i have no other way of outlet. no travel, no art exhibit, no film festival, no classes. pandemic needs to end

11/21

-i guess sex is really my ultimate distraction. thats why i will always love being fucked. but again and again, something inside of me telling that the only way i. can fully stop this addiction is being romantically me linked to someone but im torn with me not being attached. i dont know. it is what it is now.. i will simply enjoy what is presented to me now rather than wanting that is not there. so fuck it all.

-listen to makinig ka.muna podcast and love ebe dancils advice. 

- i tried watching 2021 cannes film winner titane but i cannot bear it.. i stop it when shes about smashe her face.

-i need sleep. im so worked out

11/19-20

so busy and was so pre occupied with my hosting stint for our quarterly townhall. its my 4th in a row making this as my 1 year hosting in our company's virtual gathering.

-i was so bad ass in cruising and curse those guys who are disturbing me and my playmate.. first time i said "ptang *na nyo, hanap kau ka play".

-i also become so verbal with my playmate me saying gagu sarap mo kumantot.. 

-saw this artistahin in trinoma cinema and even saw him sa cr.. reminds me of a gwapo guy i also encountered before who i end up sucking and being fucked.. if only i didnt have a long day and tired i could have tried my luck. 

-i guess i should dedicate a comple different journal for sex since almost entirely what i write is just about my high libido

11/18

-had 3 encounters the ultimate is seeing ice.luzon again after months of months of not seeing again. he looks much hotter and gwapo tonight. we went to the spot where we had our first encounter. it was wild. to the extend we were totally nnaked except with our footwear under the trees. in the dark with dim moonlight. i came with such strong magnitude

-reunite with EJ and Carri

-got the hype of the upcoming town hall meeting as i will be co hosting the event again for 3 LOBs. it will be my 4th in a row

11/17

-the kush that russ let me try was too intense.. and when i get home i pass by University ave and for some reason im back in the mood for cruising again.. i got fucked by my fubu and then theres was this hunky guy that i really like, the one with the dog.. i met him again at the fine arts gate and gosh i was able to savour his masculinity from his balls to his armpits and to his pre cum.. and he fucked me so frakin hard.. like he shook all the sadness in me.. i guess sex is my ultimate therapy. imagine he is only around 25, at the pinnacle of youth.. while me im at 36, at the pinnacle of being a cougar.. i felt being a lucky cunt/bitch again. i guess im getting back to normal... this is me being normal. horny and not sad.. horny and powerful.. and try not being attached. being attached is putting someone on a pedestal.. and its not meant for me.. 

11/16

-my emergency leave was approved and able to watched the last series of Bjork Orkestral streaming with Russ.

we had kush and vodka tonic.. it was intense.. we also have wonderful dinner.. snacks and movie time:

sjorn's "lamb"

***

salamat ulit mpareh.. medyo bitter sweet sya sakin kasi ngayon lang nag sink in na mag one month tayo nag restropective sa ating ginoa.. at ngayon natapos na.. pero ang ganda sobra.. nagnavigate ulit tayo sa pinaka shiniest spark at mag wawaxing ulit tayo..

"maghimaya ka, mama.."

***

11/15

-later on my reading about budhism they dont really into mariage, in fact they could consider attachment as the base for suffering.. 

-hmmm im aware im in a transition of fully embracing budhism but do i allow myself.to simply float in the ocean of suffering and try to be apathetic.. or drown myself in suffering but in the end swim towards the surface and have a viselceral scream how beautiful pain can be. im in a crossroads.

-i missed to attend papa's bday.. i dunno.. im just so messed up and lifeless.. i might end up like the family disaster i had last feb 14 as i was so bitter to the extend i became so grumpy 

- sad.. really sad.. im so affected with unggoy.. more intense than francis.up as what i expected.. sad as it only lasted less than two months.. of which i felt i was into him for a long time. im back to zero again and again and again.. so i listened to some of these podcast for some self help:

ex-philes ep 61 Broken Picker

ep 39 Getting over a crush

makinig ka muna: when you get dumped in front of your friends.

listening to somebody elses dillema makes me feel im not dealing like this alone. and some of them are even.much worse and intense..

 

11/14

-here we go again. foolish and shaky..love lost and felt jealous. when do i learn? or when could i stop myself frm being hurt! saw unggoy earlier at the riverbanks. 

he didnt return my msges in telegram for two days. then now i saw him there. he told me he went with his friends for a drink and have someone gave him a blowjob. wow.. then why still he come for me? why cant he just simply say im not into you or im not ready? paasa effect. he blew it. its like francis monfort one more time. i felt stupid and angry at the same time. im furious. he is not that tall and he is getting fat anyway.. i blocked him. but how could i forget him. i felt i am 26 again.i fet emotionaly immature. as if i wasted 1 decade of "being single" management of being attached with someone who doesnt really like me that much?

i have this really strong feeling that i have to anchor myself in breathing. thic nhat hanh remind me that this is a storm i have to prepare and just like a tree in a storm i have to hold on to my roots and focus there. doing deep breathing. stomach rising and falling. i am more than my emotion. i have gone through this so i should be able to pass through this

i cried so hard while watching this:

https://youtu.be/dJX8WkKbPf8

relieved and now will practice the art of suffering.

11/10-12

-im at peace and just listened to this podcast

https://cms.megaphone.fm/channel/howto?selected=ATL4663485505

im starting to have an open mind and favors in paliative care than curing of the illness itself.

-im less horny nowadays.. i hope this is not a sign of old age.. lols

. aside from i just want to sleep all day i have more encounter with friends and even reaching out to my colleagues in the office.

11/09

-im less troubled compared the past few days and im not able to visit this journal too often. 

-misery loves company and this journal is been with me

11/08

-im in the sme roster

-im kinda afraid i might make it to become an sme. its a promotion that i dont want and i might not able to handle.

11/07

-sunday.. im suppose to go out but the lazy ass in me just stayed home and have cozy moment in my room

-re watched the hours

it drowns me back to my old courageous self. it welled so much tears and havent cried so hard for a long time.

11/06

-met lance again at sm sta mesa, and i felt lucky having dinner date with him. for me he looks like jak roberto.. so for a time i felt im barbie forteza 😅

-i thought it was just a romantic get together but he initiated a sexual rendezvous and went to the hotel nearby. supposedly im just giving him a massage and have some rest but he grabbed my member and we end up having a steamy sex. he is so sexy and his armpits are so hot. amazingly, i became the top and came inside him. it was 2018 the last time i was top so this is remarkable and unexpected of me as a versa bottom.

-went to russ and lem's place at nakpil and had videoke later their common friend, joshua joined us. it was a crazy fun time.

11/05

-done with 2nd dose, i hope this already a major breakthrough and 

11/04

-jim jones is still bothering me and now desensitized it with this article:

https://www.dallasnews.com/arts-entertainment/books/2017/03/31/a-texas-author-travels-to-jonestown-s-heart-of-darkness-for-his-new-book/

-i guess i am now in a process of abandoning my old ways as i cannot keep this lifestyle of party sex and drugs again and again. although i may able to do it on my own but by having a partner will make it more bearable. for some reason, i am now starting to fervently pray for someone just like rachel ann go prayed for her future, now husband.

-for some random reasons, i am thinking of unggoy as my ideal or "chosen" husband. i think ideal is not the right word because theres so much wrongs than rights with him. but he is the one that came along.. thing is i am not sure if he is really into me. i hope this time or time will come, the feeling between us becomes mutual.

11/03

-it appears that last all soul's day. or araw ng kamatayan. i am among the dead. i felt i died during my long weekend. i felt i am abandoned.. also in a process abandoning my old self.

-im kindof angry why i dont have any real and intimate connection ever since i had my last bad breakup, and why the people i chose to love doesn't want to be with me... atm, understanding is the ultimate form of loving.

-had my 2nd assessment for an sme internship.. i dunno if this is a good decision as i am against it at first.. but it kinda feels right 😅

11/02

-done with my Halloween movie/flick marathon:

*miss saigon

*burari deaths

*us

*strange things about the johnsons

*jonestown mass suicide

the bbc jonestown mass suicide is really disturbing to the extend i have to watch a disinfecting rationale kind of video. it is true that there is so.much fear if you fail to understand. here' what i watched:

https://youtu.be/6NWIfiV1_XQ

for the all the videos they all seems have

 interconnections: 11, 11:11, fireplace rod/poker suicide

-deleted all group chat in telegram. daddy neil's group thay only tackle about drugs and sex sex and everyday sex

-it might be just a phase but im reserving more of my sakral energy but i wouldnt be a hyprocite if i dont want sex anymore, its just that it is less than before.

-unggoy not able to make it to our date

-even lance the one i met in sta. mesa

-i felt im dead in my 5 day weekend.

11/01

-ive never had this sensation for long time, time sensation of certain crisp coldness. as if im back vacationing in baguio or in taiwan, that certain chilly fresh breeze crawl inside ur window even if its noon time.

-watched the 25th anniversary miss saigon movie and was in tears with the performance

-lss: sunlight and i moon

-had insomnia and got disturbed with the burari incident. im quite horrified specially with the writings and also how the water will change its color once "daddy" has arrived.

Daily Dose of reading

I Kind of feeling lost again.

I was even thinking i need to reread my blogs from the past and try to retrieve what i have lost.

Or I might need to speak with Chai, Vera or Russ to tell them that I just kind of lost my old spark

Although pandemic is almost over (as what I would love to assume) but accessibility is still not easy. So i read some self help reading and here's what I came across:

You Are Meant to Lose Yourself

That's how you find yourself.

I am so struck specially with this paragraph:

"You practice courage by leaning into the unknown and being okay with it. Instead of focusing on your swim, focus on everything you know how to do and who you’re learning to be. Because your life is not a swimming pool. It’s an ocean, and the island is getting to a place where your story starts to make sense. That’s the island. Not the things. And when you’re there, you’ll trust your path and be curious about the unfolding like you’re watching it with popcorn."

state of emergency

 

m.2

11/07

m.1

10/26

10/2021

10/31

-went picnic with my sister and laws and pamangkin in quezon memorial circle.. fun times

-had insta lift facial massage at a derm clinic with my sisters

-until my serotonin levels went low due to lack of sleep and missed a lot of invites/events (3rdfloor guy and sex invites frm grindr) i felt i should prioritize my sleep and well being rather than sex

-watched 10 things i hate about you

-slowly and gradually, im aggreing with this saying:

the opposite of love is not hate

10/30

-went to marikina as i thought i will see unggoy but he slept all day and woke up late.

-roam around sm marikina, went to the over populated riverbanks center and food stalls and then walk along the darkened riverbanks (the other side where the big shoes is) i felt its ghostly, its like my pre Halloween scene.

-roam around the cruising area but i dont like the crowd this time. i simply enjoy the cold breeze.

10/26

on the ulitmate moment of my passing, this will be the song that goes along with the last beat of my heart.

new world - bjork orkestral

10/25

-unable to sleep and prepare to go to malate to meet russ and lem.

i felt privileged and lucky to watch streaming of bjork's orkestral live frm rejkavic with russ.

my msge to russ after the event:

mpareh.. remember the scene (in HBO's i may destroy you) yung bestfriend ni arabella, si terry. yung vinisita sya sa italy and marveling the place they are staying. terry said something like when can i have this kind of priveledge. and arabella said this is it.

 

 mpareh, i felt that in full accord last night.

 

 in harmony with you, with mama b, the world and the universe.. such immensity, as an awestruck child that feels foolish but he is actually just as wonderful as is

 

 so much love..

-super stoned and wasted

10/24

-woke up past midnight and watched mr. queen...ahaha ang kulit sobra

-its rainy so i went out to bathe in the rain, super loved the moment specially i finally went to one of my favorite spots to the restricted area where dagitab was shot. done yoga and just lay down and simply feel every rain drops on my body.. it was so revitalizing

-misses unggoy so.much. went to riverbanks just to reminisce our first night in marikina

-i was overwhelmed with obsession again and this time with unggoy.. what the hell is happening to me? 😅 i just slowly getting over with francis.up and now im leaning towards unggoy. ive done crazy stuff above riverbanks where theres this cruising area. and also went to the riverpark where i met new faces and new dicks from my usual University ave crowd. ahaha

-i even met up with this guy who looks like unggoy but it didnt work out.

-then theres this guy who invited me for slam session. but he is too OD and he have so much TH.. crazy. so i left and still so high. went back above riverbanks since im so horny and met with several guys.. and end up meeting this guy who also high near the overpass.

10/23

-went so sm sta mesa to register for comelec, finally i made it!

-found this cute guy in white na nakapila din, but i already lost him the moment i have the guts to approach him.

-later, found another guy named Lance, and we able to change numbers

10/22

-fantasized about saeed and cum saying "tamoran mo ako" while memory of him penetrating me as he almost came that night when we last parteed together.

-my witchcraft for francis.up wont seems to work..maybe because its right besides my sage which drives off any clingy spirits. have it buried within my pot of clingy gigantic photos. may it root and grow in time. hindi parin paawat? 😅

-felt strong about the stupidity and the corruption behind faceshields.. thats why i hate pouring my views in social Media.. it only cause eyebags

10/21

-had my usual hair cut with kuya jhune and i told him how stressed i am about comelec registration.. telling him its now my 3rd attempt to fall in line for hours without sleep to register only to find out walk in is already exhausted. he said why do we have to suffer for someone who eventually steal our taxes. ok? ahaha

-iba.. mey point din si kuya 😅

-mey pagasa ka pa ba, Pilipinas kong minamahal?

-cruised that night while the moon is so bright. passed by Francis.up again, this time is worse, he is not in the mood and wont want to be with me at all. never felt, what was the word, rejected? gosh.. never had that feeling for a long long time.

-read and learn the art of detachment

10/20

-done watching 

the end of the fucking world s1 to s2 and got some hangover frm it specifically with my accent. nah not really but it really hits me. that crazy kind of lovin. 

-saw a falling star just like in kimi no nawa, and my first mutter is:

sana magkatuluyan kami ni unggoy

10/19

-clear and chilly night walknunder the almost full.moon

-got an overdose of coffee and sweets. im having this giddy feeling and throwing it over to unggoy. sent him mushy msges via telegram. even sent julie's cover of Hale's kung wala ka.. gosh.. here i go again.

10/18

-rereading my journal last year, i have this obsession with zaeed as well last year. so my feelings for Francis.Up is just another of my tendencies.

-i should be much way better than this. and i guess im just being silly

-since russ shared me bjork orkestral i got this never fading intensity for my old favorites specially you've been flirting again, unison and harm of will.

10/17

-finally had this knl.daks penetrated and bred me.

-thought saw francis.up and sucked him but it was a mistaken identity.

-kind unsatisfied, messaged ronan and we did again and made a video of me eating his cum. amusingly how im still ?meeting up with him since our first time in 2010

10/16

-my infatuation for francis.Up deepens and i got crazier.

-i even made a withcraft sort of ritual made out of the condom with his seamen and put some of my lashes as if his feelings for me will grow back overtime.

and sand that washes back to the shore when the sea rises.. as if his feelings and his lust goes towards me again. 

10/13-15

-im in a mess 

10/12

-my insanity for francis.UP continues

-have to do the four cloves meditation by thich nhat hanh for freshness

-have to remind myself that these are my tendencies just like what i had for saeed, jade and dave. that this infatuation will simply fade.

10/11

-having this overwhelming infatuation for francis.UP

insane liking overload specially he blocked me in telegram. why do i have this tendency i love those guys who doesn't like me as much as i liked them.

-i need a doctor

-my insanity over francis.UP spiked when i pass him by at University ave the night im heading to work. at first i find this guy so hot then realized it was him. nangamusta and separate ways.. tried to be casual but deep inside i am torn into pieces.

-had coffee and do some self help. read the ff:

The Real Reason Your Crush Doesn't Like You Has Everything To Do With You

https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/reason-crush-like/1637050

and ultimately, from thich nhat hahn:

https://www.brainpickings.org/2015/03/31/how-to-love-thich-nhat-hanh/

10/10

-met with francis.UP finally for the 2nd time and finally being penetrated by him and also kissed him. grabeh, gwapong gwapo ako sa kanya specially when he finally removed his mask and kissed me. i melt

-watched mientras duermes. in a moment, i felt like im in the crowd cheering, as if it's one of those film festivals that have a standing ovation right after the screening. like wow.. bravo.. 👏

it's one of the best films ive seen in a long time.

10/09

-have a date with unggoy, he is adorable. went to marikina riverbanks. we cruised together and then we had dinner and then we had a beer. we talked all night long. one of the best moment is when we stroll ang the banks until calumpang at night and the place was so magical.

10/08

-had my 1st dose of vaccination

with rhoda at up bahay ng alumni. we are suppose to be scheduled at 2:30pm, but we had it at 8am. our body, our rules.. ahahah

10/04

-i slept like theres no tomorrow

-i guess this is so.weird for.me.to.say but im not ready for the whole world to go back to normal

10/03

-got to UP being so tired from walking the last night

-then got an invite from 3rdflr 6footer and it was a great session although it was just for one dose

-still horny after the session, went to UP to cruise, damn i able to hu with 4 guys. the finale was the ultimate tall hung and screw me raw. it was one of the best encounters i ever had we change telegram details and he said it was his hottest encounter too. i cant forget him. even with a mask on his eyes are so damn cute. i saw his face when i asked for his face pics. i wasnt mistaken, he is indeed gwapo

-i asked for his telegram and his profile name is @unggoy

10/02

-visited monette to attend her hubbys bday celebration

-just for thrill, and looking for possible hookups, went to guadalupe but no luck, the people i saw in person doesnt match up with what they have on their profile.

-so i walk along edsa from guadalupe, boni, shaw and ortigas.. went from one memory lane to another. 

10/01

-met vincent lloyd ricardo, he is an ultimate type. done body charging with him

-when i met him and we booked a room, is this an early honeymoon??. if both of us dont have work that night, i could have asked for us to stay longer.

im always asked how i maintain such a youthful glow. i always tell them i always treat myself with these:

good food

good rest

great sex 😅

09/2021

09/28-30

-totally bored

-compensate on eating what i crave. my new found favorite is the beef lechon from kravers in malingap. they have 50% off on their popular tray so sulit

-finish click bait and now re watching Glee

-was struck with Glee's rendition of "dont stop believing" i am overwhelmed with that certain special kind of feeling. hopeful and exciting. same caliber with bjork's big time sensuality.

09/27

-after the clock hit midnyt, greeted chai HBD and assemble her presents. so i gave her my prized coral from caramoan, the white sand from boracay.

-we lighted a candle

-we talk with things that will always plays in your head even after your conversation. very good catching up

-later chai graces me with a tarot reading

-then past 1am, when an intensity 5 earthquake happened the three of us experienced it

09/26

-was suppose to be with this guy and overnight with him.

i gess i need this physical recharge just like creta kano with mr. okada in wind up bird chronicles

-it was a week long plan but since chai msged and she has no plan for her bday i have to prioritize her

-i felt bad for the guy but he completely understand

-went to chai's place to make salubong with her bday

-went to fishermall first to do groceries and prepared a meal for chai and mark

-what i had was a buttered pan fried roast pork, garden of eve salad, and then a mushroom beef a la pobre that i call "come together" beef a la pobre.

mushroom beef a la pobre recipe:

-loin beef thinly sliced

-white onions

-garlic

-tengang daga as mushroom

-oyster sauce

-unsalted butter

-paprika

-basil

marinate the beef with oyster sauce while caramelized the onion and then add the ingredients from the biggest particle to the smallest. without mixing them and then add the butter as finale and as the mediator for all the flavours. slow cook for 30 mins until the savoury goodness come together.

09/26

-weekend jog

-went to maginhawa to try this lechon baka, it is really good and its at 40% of.. so sulit

-had a great fuck with a guy from UP bliss

-suppose to meet this hunk at hot guy from.maginhawa but well, one cannot have everything at once

09/25

-lazy mood, just stay in bed while day and whole night.

-watched and scream with block z

-remembered my highschool years in UP Cebu high. here are my sections through the years:

Villamor 1st year 

Bocobo

Tan

Romulo

09/23

- had ab extreme imsomnia

i never had one for ages

-cauesed by too much coffee last night also with the bree jonson's sudden death/case. she is extremely talented and i love her painting of this dog on whimsical solitude and these blue crows that reminds me of sharpees crows from murakamis

09/22

-waking up but still want to sleep more

-i will give myself two weeks maybe of just not doing anything

-im not sure if its the full moon, but its so bright it pierce through my window

-moon bathe and recharge my crystal

-be at the moment and see visions within the realms of my quarts with the spark of the moon

-it gave me this certain vibration from within that that i felt connected even with the waters envoloping the immediate water veins where i am sending my chant, that chant summoning to entice saeed.

09/21

-slept for 16hours

-listen to an audiobook, the novel that ive already read a long time ago from murakami: the wind up bird chronicles

-was so engrossed with malta kano and her connection with the water.

09/20

-the only thing that excites me is elite.. and now that im completely done Watching s4 as if im back to zero

-now watching click bait

09/19

-just got back in my own room 

a complete reset

-i came from two tops, a couple. one is my kind of black and the other is local. i got some sort of satisfaction on craving for a foreign dick 

09/18

-after 9 months, able to meet the hot couple in 27 masigla st.

damn my hole is so stretched and my face and mouth is filled with so much cum

-rest a bit in university ave and this tall hung passes by.. luckily was able to approach him and he ask me to join in his car. its already morning and his Windows are not that tinted so we went to this spot in arki within the container vans. we also had steamy moment and his dick smell of this sweet smelling prunes.

-went to pasig for leannes bday. met my sisters in law, my brothers and my pamangkins

-they are having this home samyupsal set

-went karaoke and watched night Shyamalan's movie entitled: Old

09/12-17

-the three weeks successive pnp sessions had a toll on me. i got mentally and emotionally unstable.

-detox and cry out

-in a way it kind of make everything new since i didnt go out for three days and feeling the sun is marvelous

its a necessary death for me

09/11

-since i still have remaining stash, had pnp encounter with anthony, the pasay hotelier

09/06

-pnp hangover

-steamy encounter with ronan 

09/05

-super bored

-pnp with chad

09/04

-suppose to spend the night with this biker guy but he can only stay for few hours. i got grumpy.. im now more on sleeping with someone rather than having sex

09/03

-long weekend

-walang ganap

09/01

-woke up with a vivid dream

dreamt of pangasinan.. or a town near a coast. historical place near by the beaches. saudade. having this vibrant vibe of summer.. alone and melancholic yet filled with excitement

08/2021

08/30

-what better way crashing than watching hk's film: Amphetamine. its tragic and beautiful

-there was also a line in the movie from the ex gf stating about aging: "woman are like flowers.. while men are like trees"

08/29

-im still super high and horny. got this guy (from UST JR) who just done with their basketball game. i let him drop by the hotel. gosh. he is so hot and he fucked me bareback and breed me.

-we talked and cuddled until the remaining time before check out.

-Answered prayer. i super miss this.

08/28

-6footer 3rdflr guy invites for a pnp.. although im not really in the mood but i kinda miss him so i said yes.

-his housemate is around so we have to do it in a motel in edsa north.

-as always.. i love worshipping him.. smelling yes armpit and suck his huge dick

08/27

-i prayed to God that i miss hugging and cuddling someone.. i miss smelling someone's armpit and feel the wamth of someone's body.

08/26

-it feels like it rain all week

-i felt so sad and lonely

08/25

-i didnt make it in ateneo

-just woke up and went into my emails at ito tumumbad sakin.. saklap!

-i know i will have to go to the process of accepting this sad news.

-good thing anjan si 6ftbabe to assure me.

-also comforted myself my russ' coffee from sagada. if these arent here right now, sobrang lungkot ko 😢

08/24

felt so tamad today.

watched boys lockdown

and then some ep of elite s2

which reminds me of my bagets days parteeing and getting drunk in society lounge.. and thenafter having 2 cups of coffee

and binge over a vogue video collab of john galliano and tomo koizumi (of which im having a huge crush on) it perked me up so i went for a walk just to withdraw 

reached UPTC

there's buyonetake one ramen in dotonbhuri with 30% off via foodpanda

but where can i eat it? so asar. so i settled for isaw and some bbq, plus kwek2x and some pusit by the street. yaasss street food trip it is?! wait why am having this conyo like mental voice.. kakainis af talaga tong BL series with keyks and chen.. 😅

08/23

-was suppose to process my TOR and letter of recommendation kaso parati ako tinatamad and the situation of ecq/mecq really make it worse

08/21

-finally our hardlockdown was lifted and our street doesnt have any barricade anymore.. gosh!

-now its time to do alot of errands!!!

-tambak nadin labahan ko 😅

08/19

-continue reading Murakami's killing comendatorre.

-havent able to read it since i put my hands on it last 2018, and since the specialized lockdown and ecq, its a high time to read it.

-was curious with this character named Menshiki whos name means "avoiding color" 

-if i have a pet or a child, i wish to name him/her "Lightgiver"

08/18

-raining.. not able to workout outside but gone through art photography inside my room

08/17

-finally met chad from KNL 25, his a shade smaller than me but i find him cute and huge. we almost not push through but i already booked angkas and its no joke escaping hardlockdown just to be with someone these times. sex was hot.

08/16

-back in my room in pio Valenzuela, i miss my room.

-its very refreshing and recharging to be away from here and had some change of environment 😅

-vacation, even if its just nearby, does make wonders

-finished watching errands of the angels of which tells a story of a missionary and somehow inspired me to do and spread the love and it doesnt matter which religion we subscribed to or God we believed in.

08/15

-spent the weekend at pasig and be with my pamangkins.

-just had moment with this fubu i have in ubas st. and also cant get over with the gameboy kokoy look alike na daks.

-still no paramdam frm khrystian and even with the 6footer bagets frm fcm.

-right now, fubu/one night stand is much real while having a relationship is fantasy.

08/14

-had a quick and sweet moments with my manulife batchmate for our 2nd anniversary. josh, carri, rhoda im sick but seeing even virtually was heartwarming specially wenddy who is now in Malaysia

-the usual movie marathon with the fam, watched:

 my amanda

 the heiress

 Beckett

 

08/13

-escaped from the specialized lockdown in our street and went to my siblings place in pasig

-got a drinking and singing session in lifehomes with new grindr buddies

-woke up with a bad hangover the next day

08/11

-woke up and there's no response from krystian anymore from my viber msges. i never felt so ghosted

-had my personality assessment today for admu i hope im now ready and able to make it for the panel interview

-chatted with russ and comfort eachother, ecq really takes it toll on many of us. he provided me with links of unscreened shorts.

also told him about how denisa reyes encourage me to take up art educationa and now im having this application for admi going on.

08/10

-just done with my demo teaching activity with maam len and the rest of the admu jhs art teachers

-earlier i was in utmost turmoil and i am glad i was able to get through the connection issue. 

i couldnt thank enough the facilitators and teachers who bear with me and patient enough to interact all through out my south asian art presentation. 

namaste.. 🙏

-had a great conversation with Krystian, for some weird reason i felt so much kilig about him

08/09

-woke up with a dream of Saeed, he is in a room with someone but they are just sleeping with a specialized bed separator. 

-i thought my jealousy has completely faded but it still lingers but with hope that his encounters with someone else is less intimate than ours

-im starting to really like krystian.. specially when he sent me an audio sample of his acapella voice . he sang pagtungin by ben&ben

08/08

-our entire street will be put on localized hard lockdown.. like we wont be able to go out from our street for 2 weeks 😢😭

-went for a walk, coffee, cruising and outdoor yoga as if this is my final day

-met Krystian via Facebook dating, an HR specialist from pangasinan. we had a good start for a conversation 

08/07

-after a almost a week

and in the midst lf ecq, manage to drop by University ave and had the thrill of cruising once again. met this tall guy who have a very nice chest and huge dick. as in literally humungos, it reminds me of the italian guy i had and half arabian who took me several attempts before he able to get inside me. it was a really good breeding experience.

08/01

-finally met dave the (the guy on 02/17/21)

after half a year, i was able to leave sniff his armpits, lick his nips and penetrated by him. he was huge and get inside me so deep

-the moment we had pops it was an amazing orgasm 

07/2021

 07/31

-chat with monette after dreaming about her, she also went through the passing of her parents so she comforted me about my lola. her words of compassion and wisdom is very powerful, it starts with self care as u cannot depend it from someone else

07/30

-interview with admu

-gmeet with ma'am Lenn, it was a great conversation

-bond with sarah tario and sge became my instant life coach

07/27

-i guess im in the lowest point in my life.

-never cried so hard and for so long..

-my eyes played trick on me, halucinating, i thought i saw someone standing but when i get a closer look, its just a lonely tree. gosh.. never felt so isolated

-had gary valenciano's version what matters most played on loop

-able to determine the root cause of my jealousy, sadness and depression:

 *my lola's death

 *my mother is mourning

 *loneliness

 *substance abuse

 *frustrations with my promotion

 *no lovelife

 *skyrocketing bills

 *i didnt able to make it on the list for graduation

07/26

-julia's vlog what matters most came into my google recoline, cheezy it may seem but it kinda brings back my early memories of baguio and lovelife 

-now im just jealous of other zaeed being with someone else and then jm de guzman look alike dating someone else. i never felt so bitter.

-at the end, treat myself with self love and compassion. will take care of myself now and i will cry my heart out later 😢

07/25

somehow the sky went clear and bask myself with some sunlight. i know im still sad and depress but little joys somehow lift me up

07/24

-felt like my life is over

-everything is so dark

-im dying

-my jealousy towards zaeed went back. it spiked up. i went balistic. trying to call him.while hes having session with someone else.

07/23

-watched 2017 "the ritual"

i felt the sadness rather than the horror. the monster is the depression that is killing me

-just total darkness

07/22

wasted

depressed

i remember yesterday i cried inside jollibee while having coffee

i spent so much money for substance

this is way too much

ineed to fix myself

07/21

as always, hearing my mother cry totally breaks my heart.

to my lola Pineng, you always be in our hearts. eternal love, light and peace be with you 'la.

maayong paglawig.

07/20

budol was real 

lost 2.5k bec of scam

met anthony the hotelier

parteed with him

07/19

meet light tower3 guy

07/17

partee with 6ftr 3rd flr guy

07/12

-woke up recharged snd refreshed.

-heading back to manila

finally claimed my last pay and encashed it in union bank

-i thought ub will hold me for inquiries

-its such a relief that my cebu jaunt was a success although i was so driven with anxiety

07/11

-do my usual early morning walk towards busay while raining. 

-drenching myself in dewy mountain air

-spoil myself with all the food that greatly miss: seafood, lechon and very affordable avocados

-had so many potential conracts in gr but fellow gay cebuanos have alot of fuss.

-i thought i end up with no one but finally able to slept with someone, he's an insurance agent. i was straight forward and made a point that i wont be having his offer but only his body. we slept together and cuddle with him until morning. while he's deep asleep, i recharge myself with all the sensuality of being unconsciously intimate with someone.

07/10

-had my trip back to cebu to claim my long overdue back pay from eb

-able to meet manu cebu colleagues namely russel and melanie. had a great time with them at the shrine, newport and at the mactan mercato

07/09

-i felt sore. as if all the energy in me is gone

-take a walk at the back of area 2 and be drenched with fallen flowers, misty pavement and mild sunlit trees. a walk of awe

and be a child in wonder again.

-my herba bualena are lush so picked some and made a tea out of it. 

-made the medalia fun fact for carri.. my boss anj was impressed with my writing.

07/08

its one of those days

na i just dont feel it

not motivated nor excited

just kept on sleeping

-im worried about my trainer results, ruminate the things i could have done better. i am becoming so restless, again and again. 😢

-was bargaining with the universe to atleast provide me at least one reward: either i got to make it to obtaining my bfa art educ diploma or get the trainer post.

-never felt to so low

-im glad mama B is there to remind to redeem myself. listened to her "body memory" and watched the cornocupia stage visuals.

-its just now i realized its potency, the message was so powerful and so timely for what i am going through

-i felt comforted.

07/07

had a vivid even lucid dreams of the wonders of on the spot theater...the existence of the infinite line and everyone has a piece.. every piece is a performance. and performance is an art.. wow the wonders of performance art. (chai and her team)

07/03

-let a long 4 day weekend begin. started with eating with friends together in timog. they are officemates but all these times i felt they are closed friends, one thing that made me enjoy my stay in this company.

07/02

-attended this everydaybetter session with our director, Ms. D (divine chavez) and was moved with her life story when she was asked how did she find out its time to move up with her career.

07/01

rain rain rain

just hearing the rain outside my window and sleep longer 

hibernate mode

06/2021

 06/30

im loving this midnight diner series in netflix. which showcase a mini diner in tokyo with its interesting patrons.

06/29

havent had sex for a long time and also did not masturbate. i wanna know and experience recharging my sacrum energy

lets see how long i would lasts.. ahaha

06/28

sent to many a sbux promotion and it end up to be a scam. but i got reintouched with old friends and past lovers (one of them is now a doctor in FEU) 

06/25-26

installed this weTV app and end up subscribing for 3months. why? 

:because of pangako sayo. 

:because i saw a snippet of it in "isa pa with feelings".

:because i dont have a tv when these series are on going

gosh im swooning over ian veneracion! hawt daddey 🤤

06/24

-super pre occupied

-appliwd for this trainer position and lets see where this leads us to

06/23

-giyang strike never had this intense withrawal symptom for a long time

06/22

-medicarthic dance

06/19

-after 6 months of being sober, went to pnp again, this time with a 6'2 guy from.maginhawa. he reminds me of oscar wilde. had a great time with him at his 3rd flr attic. a steamy sex from night til the morning.

06/01-18

-no entries

why?

my phone is totally busted. need 10k to fix it.

-bec of that i have no way to remember what happened unless someones reminds me or if i could see posts in fb

my office view for 2 weeks 😅🥰😍

05/2021

 05/31

-revisit basilica sto nino with carri

-i remember every time me and my siblings have bdays, my mother used to bring us here

-made a fervent prayer

05/30

-went kawasan and moalboal

-kawasan: same natural wonders, same natural powers

recharged my crystals and my core being with the spring

-moalboal: went free diving but its too high tide and the corals and fishes were too far deep dow below, had encounter with them but only with short encounter since there was also these usual attacks of small jelly like itch causing se organisms.

-saw a cutie watching over me. but i was with carri and he is with his friends.

i wish i can simply join and swim with him

-end it with drinks with the rainy sunset, not bad to end our 8 hour road tri back and forth. Barili have its charm.

05/29

- last day in sta fe after 2 weeks of staying at the island paradise. i felt over staying but definitely each day has its own highlights and sparks.

went snorkeling with cari near the ruins and then we went to ogtong cave to have breakfast

05/28

bare it all

skinny dipping while full moon

white sand

white light

and white luminous crystal water

very dream like

felt divine and sublime

05/27

- 12:30 am , high tide, sta fe bantayan. took a dip while its full moon

-recharge my crystals and manifest

05/26

-havent posted in fb, just to make sure my colleagues wont know im not working in the office in manila but im actually working in a resort here in sta. fe

-at this point, my social media life is dull yet my real life is so vibrant

-able to witness the rose moon eclipse right at the secluded beach (right beside kota beach) while listening to bjork's vespertine performance live in paris

05/25

-i discovered a new spot somewhere westward of the coast, right after passing by the lagoon where you can see black and white egrets.

-the sunset was spectacular and the melancholic shores overwhelms my heart.

 

05/24

-breakfast at kota with cari. went swimming and saw potential group of gay boys. just interlocked eye to eye looks with few of them, the view of their chest and armpits makes my eyes and mouth water.. ^_^

-supposedly we should go for one bottle of beer by the beach, but i saw mark opada and he invited me for a cocktail by the bar. but something came up with mark, so carri and i end up having two of these vodka or white rhum with calamansi and had play billiards. carri won and treat him for lunch

05/22-23

-the weekend was such a blur.

it was so fast and we are mostly wasted

-sort of spent it mostly at the sandy pub where we had good music and overflowing of beer. carri end up as a dj where we dance all night long.

-had breakfast at anika's and went for a swim. saw a cute bat fish. it reminds me of my childhood memories as its my favorite pet.

05/21

-my extra VL for this day was not approved, so i end up working. still nursing a mild hangover

05/20

-had so much good time by the sea and in the island, to the extend im living the moment and just not thinking or doing anything. even writing this journal seems to get off my head.

-spent the sunset at KOta beach and had tequila sunrise and wash it off with palesen

-carri and I thought that was it but we passed by a lade back spot where they got cool music and affordable beer so, it rained so hard. as if summer is bidding farewell/

05/19

-we have faced so much challenges. now we are able to get an accommodation which is suitable for a budget and such a bargain, we able to get a 600/day airconditioned room just right at the back of sophia's

-finally had a great restful sleep

05/18

-days passed by so fast and there's so much going on that i only updated from 05/14 up until now

-done my assignment with prof. Nestor Castro. and right after submitting it online, went and have a dip. It reminds me of the 2 week vacation on a murakami story wherein the characters just have this mundane sessions by the beach for two weeks and all they have to do is lazed around the shore or have their usual laps by the beach

-had carri try cebu lechon for the first time, had thick face and asked from a lady right next to our cottage.

05/17

-carri had a great night and had some cuddling by the beach, while me having a convo with this young dude ab

-spent my mornings swimming through crystal clear waters of sta. fe. In between having good seafood and some drinks. This is the life

able to work not from the office or home, but in a resort

i love the seashore as our working environment

this is what im talking about

05/16

Carri and I made it to cebu and eventually in Bantayan island at around 6pm. almost not able to get entry since we need a bar code from a local tourism admin. Stayed in my usual favorite: Sofia's at beach front. reminds me of sugar beach days when we only have our banig for the whole week.

-me and carri got some drinks had this midnight swimming, its such a euphoric bliss

05/15

-finally got our test results and yyaaaass

its negative for covid9 now ready to travel to cebu

05/14

im starting to get the jitters

i hope everything went well with our cebu trip

05/13

-send my gifts to russ, my first was a whale fin plant, now sent my voltaic neon philodendron. I hope he will like it

we also kind of catch up over messenger, but as i said, i rather be in an "actual presence" communication rather than virtual

-finally meet Chris A, the manager from UHG

he drove over and we had it at the shopping center parking lot, he's too nervous doing outdoors

05/12

time flies so fast

not able to catch any moments of it

05/11

-got news from vera that mark duane just passed away due to brain tumor. life is really too short, reminded me to have that appetite in life:

 

05/10

-met carri at east ave med center for our swab test

spent the whole 8 hours just to get a schedule and we were given a date which is too close for our departure date. Im praying so hard to make sure the results can catch up with our flight which is the same day and just few hours in between

.. gosh

05/09

-spent mother's day with fam

-watched queen mary jane of scott

-gave mama a massage and advise her how to take care of her knee and mental health. 

05/08

-able to attend a bjork global party via bjork vault of dark memes group page, was only able to get in at the final moments, saw some baking, while some were doped, 

-woke up with a heavy heart. I dunno if its with the hot weather or because i still dont have any constant. am i now getting tired of always creating new experiences? i am need to be boring? or am i getting bored being bored? stillness, the remedy for languishing.

-went jogging/cruising just earlier and i happen to pass by my luck. sucked two hung guys, one which looks like derek monastario (with his handsome face and yummy chest) i swallowed his cum. fuck that was hot. at this point, what do i need a bf for?

-on my way home, just passed by the beautifullest, saccharine smelling and yummiest mango freshly dropped from its tree (thanks to the birds or bats which knows the best fruit), i had it for dessert tonight.

05/07

watched andre's vlog who is now working/living in japan. In my mind, i might end up migrating to new zealand or canada? i dunno, my mind at most of the times, as malleable and as unclear as a mud.

-got caught by an officer due to violating curfew hours for eating out. i got a ticket and penalty for 300. I dunno if i have the time paying it. in my mind, its petty price compared what the govt is really into. which is the hefty cost of vaccine. this is the time when solution is the root cause of all evils

05/06

-i guess it was the hottest day today

im literally melting

-i could only wish summer be over, or spent it somewhere cold or breezy. day dreaming i could work remotely lets say in baguio for the summer, then bantayan, manila very quarter. then 1 quarter spent lets say ina  foreign land

-so now having a wish can be granted: i booked a ticket and will stay in cebu for a month

05/05

-finaly able to set up a mini water fortress for my favorite  pies and cakes, and noticed lots of them drowned trying to reached it. some of them i help out to leave and live ... as they crawl towards their home, im wondering they might able to tell their great great grand kids that in this room, there live a human who eat the tastiest goodies. i felt like a living legend =)

-remembered this: Quarantine An Ant From Its Whole Colony | Sad Reaction

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74xygxN7h_Q

what happens to a lonely ant?

-quality sleep matters. i couldn't wait until i could switch to a morning shift--although i also wish my salary grade wont decrease.

05/04

-had a system issue the whole day at work. so in between trouble shooting with an IT I do my usual midnight walk and self made snacks at the pantry

-saw this moreno guy in the pantry. have him noticed that ive been noticing him. lol

-chester, from Laguna, the UP film guy.. one of the reason why i get back here in QC made paramdam. i dunno what are his intentions and plans in life. he knows im willing to wait for him and push for a new level. but part of me is kindof hesitant. as one time he let me watched a film about polyamory. or am i too paranoid that its the way he want me to know who he is and he is polyamorous. ewan. my mind is adrift once again.

05/03

i really love having a good nights sleep and waking up with the gentle sunrays filtered by fruit bearing mango and santol trees right outside my windows.

-having lemon water first before coffee regain my sand-fly infected skin and also detox from 2 weeks successive drinking session

-was moved by maria reesa's speech in accepting the unesco awards for journalism

-im now doing this journal straight from a laptop rather than my phone =(

05/02

my 4 day rest day will come to an end

me not having a proper phone makes the day feels longer

i dunno if its a good thing or i really should fix the screen on my phone..

-felt incapacitated as much of the apps and lifestyle are integrated with the apps but somehow it veers me away from social media the very least

05/01

-rewatched memoirs of a geisha, still it evokes so much emotion. i was struck how the narrator, tells about scraping the word loneliness as it cant be written neither be read as it has to be felt.

-still had hangover from carri's brother's bday.

-can't get over with her cousin's masculinity, he's hot and he offered a puff of a good shit

💓

to manifest

it's kind of ironic when i had my first pride parade not in manila but in taipei.. it's also my first time to see (attend) and witness a same sex marriage. 

one time, my derma told me i would be soon get married in a foreign land. i dunno if she's just kidding or  she's already foreseeing to my future. i dunno, come what may. lols

these pics  manifest that oneness can be attained. i'm having these goosebumps in awe when we celebrate such glorious unity. 

all is full of love.

 

find your peace

in a noisy world full of uncertainties, don't forget to smile and breathe.

take good care of your mental health at all costs.

04/2021

04/30

-a very promising day

04/29

-remembering Vera

-was planning to go russ' place to celebrate for her but got some hesitations due quarantine protocols

-i remember the time when we created a video dedicated for vera at paco

***

-almost lost my phone together with my cc as i dropped them, i was like rummaging through the dark corners and grass fields i stayed.. my heart was pounding hard while trying to accept i lost another fortune, my contacts and my photos.. my memories and have them lost all to forgetfulness.. good thing the guy i am flirting with just before i realized i lost my phone found it with his flashlight and we end up having dinner. on me. gosh.. another temporary heart attack

-we talked about his current "unlabeled love life" which reminds me of what i had with arturo and he got angry when i laughed so hard with his stories and told him about the painful realities and simply have to accept it. Eventually, as what i've been though, it will make you tough and even appreciate life even more. I realized i used my pain for arturo as my fuel.

-when i got home, my phone's screen is slowly turning into a pool of darkness

04/28-30

-staring blankly at the moon

04/27

-can't get over with Zhang Ziyi's performance in The Banquet, and have the full soundtrack, including Tan Dun's Only for Love and longing in silence  play endlessly for more than a week.

04/26

-thoughts: from this community fridge in NY, the community pantry in

maginhawa, and then the community bday celebration disaster

-experiencing: analysis paralysis

once again. 

04/25

-carri's bday

spent it with great food, good drinks and great companions. had fun

04/24

-finally after weeks of abstinence and mecq curfew, was able to jog and

several sexual encounters, two of which i got anal (frm atom araullo look

alike and one hunky guy by his car)

i felt rejuvenated.my sexual powers 😅🤤

04/23

-taking advantage of the promo wars between grabfood and foodpanda

they got this 40% off promo plus 30%off on pickups, feasting on nomu, rodic's and Friuli's almost everyday.

-found out dan had a virtual/long distance bf? 

i dunno.. dream discarded

04/22

-having this communication with dan marcielo, kinda having kilig with him. morning and night

-jog while raining

felt refreshed specially during these summer months

-i have this favorite spot near a rivulet, lying while feeling the rain on my skin, and a damp humid summer night. plus the sound of the flowing water makes me feel like im a retreat spa.

immensity overload

a divine journey

04/21

-felt sorry with gerald valero's loss with his brother's passing, i

remember the last time before we broke up, it was his brother who met us in

the airport. 😢

-felt terribly sad, i have khatyas b's chopin preludes 28 no. 4 on the loop.

04/19

-going through my old photos in FB tagged by friends (which i usually don't

display in my one wall) made me realized gosh, i lived a wonderful life.

-i am overwhelmed how after 2009 since my fb account was created, i

definitely gone through crazy and beautiful memories.

-i am so much filled with gratitude and contentment to the extend i am so

ready to die (knock on wood)

-ligo sa ulan.. it felt so magical and resetting

04/18

-spent kuya bday mostly at jess' place in Valenzuela..

04/14

-i felt my days are slipping by again. also i felt i dont have that

connection with people, as soon as im flashing that smile it easily

swallowed by something else. i felt this long stance on social distancing

makes me less of a human 😢

-rewatched 500 days of summer and relive that good tracks

04/13

-Jon Santos podcast made.me validates that we are now being comfortable

being uncomfortable:

https://youtu.be/O_xzXbYxv5c

-for some weird and random reason, marvin dumrigeu's comment on my post

makes me kilig ahaha 🤭😚☺️

04/12

-spent so.much on food

- someone asked me how am i doing, i told her ecq.part2 made me lazy and

apathetic parang naging numb na ako sa pagiging masaya, or malungkot.. from

being excited or being bored.. i just feel nothing.. is this ok? ahaha

-i had a potential date but he was too coward with the UP guards with all

the protocols within UP campus

-i guess il end up a spinster.

04/11

-tbh, the government and its officials made me sick compared to the actual

pandemic (incompetencies and corruption)

-hard to breathe specially if something negative, bad news hit you. 

anxiety ridden

anxiety attacks

-have to remind myself to stretch, breathe and put the monkey mind in silence

-this saved me frm my long time grudge for those who

have done wrong towards me:

https://thoughtcatalog.com/nikita-gill/2017/05/when-someone-hurts-you-remember-one-day-they-will-hurt-too/

04/10

-had a great time hosting our q1 townhall with Joshua Bautista.. my 2nd

time to be liya michelle during the virtual event.

-watched studio ghibli's porco rosso. there's a part in there, the cloud of

dead pilots in their last flight, that insinuate afterlife is beautiful.. i

was wondering if it generally consist the japanese collective consciousness

thus they rather choose death than live a hellish way of life.

04/09

the ones who greeted me personally are my friendly neighboring dogs and its

pure genuine and no stain of anything.

had my breakfast at my special spot, a bench in a grassy field filled with

flower bearing narra trees, with its golden showers of minute yellow petals.

its a quite breezy summer day, nothing much but sheer gratitude and

complete peace of mind.

less expectation less frustration

had emily kings: first time. play on the loop

04/08

i felt old, and having that feeling that i have to settle down.. but part

of me still wish to do things i can do before.. partying, flirt and have sex

i felt sad, as my bday falls again on a ecq quarantine, i counter react it

with food from friuli tatoria, had some putanesca and tres formageri and

drown it with chardonay

usually i do self compassion fist, in that way, self pity is not that

terrible. gosh

the moment the time struck midnyt, i took a bath, lighted a candle and had

some incense fills the air.

04/07

-do work out at the outdoor gym in uphk

-just make tanga, and watched the foliage out frm my window

-if only, i could have spent 3 years of quarantine in bantayan island.

04/06

ecq part 2 is in full force

simply work at home, savour the mundane quietness

-ive overheard a physician one time, that Spanish flu pandemic lasted for 3

years. we are on our first year yet we are too adamant to deal about it.

-ecq made me feel low and social media posts are terrifying. so i usually

just veer away from it as much as possible

-one quote i encountered is 

"life isn't about waiting for the storm to

pass.. its about learning to dance in the rain" 

-vivian greene

04/05

-its been three weeks since my operation so i tried to make do with someone

and gosh, i bled. msge max what to do and she said just do oral for the

meantime. i was scared

-watched between maybes by gerald and julia.. kelan ko kaya ma meet gerald

ng buhay ko? lols

04/04

-grocery with mark paul and mamu, we have so much great food throughout the

day with john2x and leanne's cooking

-watched the hostiles and i care a lot

also watched eerie and kuwaresma.. nothing beats horror movie with family

(with baby xin2x and kuya carlo)

-went biking until rave forest, its been a while since i get there and went

biking.. iba..

-bond with mamu at night, i like it when we have this usual talks before

sleeping, its very comforting

04/03

going to mamu's

to make bawi since she was sick last time, and i was so dead worried. im

glad she's now doing ok. although she is still get pissed with papa

specially when hes drunk. i dunno with my parents, i am actually good with

my own, my parents are sometimes source of my stress instead of the other

way around. maybe that's why i might end up a spinster.. 😅

-gave mamu a massage, since her knee is still not doing well. im glad she

was able to attain a good night sleep.

04/02

just spent my holy week friday working out on CHK outdoor gym

sleeping, gosh my 12hr sleep was attained

watch the assistant (2019) i love how it was just building up and then wala

na.. nakakabitin. so anti thesis of most usual films

04/01

- i had a new crush: proud race' rick rasos 😁🤭😅