recent realizations: entry# 2

As a UP Diliman graduate, I used to believe I had an edge.

I carried it lightly, almost unconsciously—

a confidence I didn’t need to defend.

Now I find myself competing not just with other people,

but with entire nationalities.

With locals who belong without trying,

with Brits and Americans whose passports

seem to arrive ahead of them,

opening doors before they even speak.

What I thought was distinction

feels fragile here.

Intelligence, discipline, years of effort—

they all grow quieter

beside accents, borders, and documents.

And some days, I am not asking to be exceptional anymore.

I am only asking to be allowed

to stay,

to work,

to matter.

recent realizations: entry# 1

I saw an interracial straight couple earlier in the Madrid metro—an Asian woman and a Caucasian man. They looked like such a beautiful pair, equally pretty and handsome. Well dressed, well off. As if they were at the height of both their relationship and their careers. There was a sense of freedom about them—financial, emotional, existential. No trace of hardship or struggle on their faces.

Meanwhile, here I am, wrapped in a constricting jacket, my backpack as heavy as my thoughts about being an irregular resident in Spain and the uncertainty of my future employment. Cold and damp, in this humid kind of winter.

When was the last time I was in a healthy, visible relationship? I miss smiling brilliantly with my partner, and having him smile just as brilliantly back at me.

Or when was the last time my heart smiled with me?