some random guide:

 

labor day and labour pains

may 1 

my salary hasn't arrived so im stuck at home. just watching frieren. it was full moon so i went out and had a walk at the nearby farm here in urb pryconsa, collado villaba. went out without a flashlight but since the sky is bright and also know the pathway like the back of my hand. the moon brought me back to boracay or bantayan beaches where i usually spend my labor day. i wanted to know the reason why im here in this empty farm as the rest of the world parties for the long weekend. these kind of moment is when i simply lay still and usually some realizations would sink in, and here they:

-"space and time". im having the priveledge of living the moment

-"my past acompanies me". like frieren, i usually have some dialogues with my previous experiences (specially with the people i've been with, ex bf etc..)

-"even though it's uncormfortable, take it slow". as youth wasted with the youngs,i can no longer want to get things go faster. im no longer getting any much younger so i want to savour every moment (specially with my irregular status and no clarity with any future job) i want to have a vivid experience of it. like having a surgery without any anesthesia 

tinkering with ai pics be like

10 moon haikus, an attempt

Moon over cause, effect—

time’s lineage losing its mind,

tides drift at night.

***

Moon on the river,

pebble of happenstance rolls

through the silent tide.

***

Two moons, two stars signs

two shadows from wounded scars—

rips the wailing sea

***

Moon hears joy sounding,

telling all things, reconciling—

echo enters me.

***

Moon over the stream,

salmon against the current

returns home to die.

***

Moon in the dream asks:

are you what I’m dreaming of?

soft sobbing reply.

***

Moon holds the pendulum,

clock left hanging in midair—

viscous seconds bloom.

***

Moon of the world-spirit,

in the infinite all now

thought drowns into hush.

***

Moon over desire,

highest longing without thought

sinks into the whole.

***

Moon beyond all time,

that hidden universe waits—

ours at last to find.

random memories entry 38

-Estepona

One of my indicators that I am now a local to a certain place is when I finally feel the presence of a ghost. I mean, I’m a Filipino in Spain, and I can’t find any reason for a Spanish ghost to make paramdam if I don’t understand Spanish at all, nor their customs.

It was my first year when I felt something weird in the sala. It was especially strange when I felt heavy as I lay on the sofa, aside from the figures passing by that were reflected on the dark TV screen. One frightful moment was when I heard a pan fall, but when I checked the kitchen, nothing had fallen.

I shared this with my landlady, and she said the previous owners had their wake inside the house. It was a common tradition to lay the deceased in a bed within their home for a wake—often called velatorio en casa—for 24 to 48 hours before burial. (All about what is a wake and its traditions - Áltima)

-Madrid

Then recently, while walking along the Madrid River—even though it’s only my fifth month wandering around the city—I saw a weird, shadowy figure lying underneath a stone boulder. It was kinda scary, but I wanted to imagine it as just laying there aimlessly, as if watching the stars at night.

When I walked further, I saw a dedication wall along the bridge for the passing of a person. It could be him. And it warmed my heart to see so many friends expressing their love and loss through messages and flowers offered along the railing. So maybe he’s a happy ghost, dearly loved.

***

The ghosts no longer feel foreign to me. I remembered nichole kidman in "The Others", where sometimes we are not the only ones living in a house.  While the film centers on fear and revelation, my story centers on belonging. Coexistence instead of conflict. Afterall, we just share the same spaces, the same quiet corners of the sala, the same river breeze at night.

random memories p4

Entry 37 – Palawan

With Ms. B and Carla Quimsing.

Ms. B has three German friends who own a beach house in Palawan. We stayed there for several days while she helped them purchase property on the island.

I was in awe of that beach house, facing the West Philippine Sea and the South China Sea. The sunsets were breathtaking — vast, golden, endless.

Looking back, I think that experience planted a seed in me. Perhaps that was when I first dreamed of owning a beach house of my own — and eventually, a hostel. A place by the sea that feels like both escape and home.

Entry 36 – High School

My allowance was delayed because my father didn’t renew his contract.

There was a time when bread was my only meal. I felt deprived and convinced myself it was the worst kind of meal — because, to me, a proper Filipino meal had to have rice and viand.

Now that I’m in Europe, my perspective has changed. Bread is no longer a symbol of lack. It isn’t bad after all. Sometimes, it’s more than enough.

Entry 35 – Julio

My last visit in Danao.

We went to Catmon together. I rode on the back of his motorbike. We had coffee by the beach. For a moment, it felt as if we were lovers again.

It was a beautiful, tender day.

But when I got into the van to head home, I cried heavily. It was as if all the happy memories we once shared — all those bygone days when we were still together — came flooding back. They crashed against the new waves of separation, loneliness, loss, and quiet despair of what could have been.

Entry 34 – Francis Monfort

I gave him my favorite novel, Sputnik Sweetheart.

It wasn’t just a book — it was something personal. A quiet offering. A way of saying: This moved me deeply, and I want you to hold a piece of what moved me. A gift not to impress but to reveal.

Entry 33 – Misty Mornings

I started my misty morning walks with August by Taylor Swift.

I remember an ex lover, a fan of ts, who once sharing not only his favorite songs but the entire album — and all the men associated with Taylor Swift in each track. The way he spoke about the songs made them feel like living stories, not just music.

Somehow, those walks, that song, and those conversations all blend together now — soft, gray mornings filled with memory.

Entry 32 – Italy and Family

Spending five weeks with five different host families here in Italy allowed me to witness the dynamics of Italian families up close. And from what I’ve observed, it’s true — Italians are deeply connected to their families.

It made me reflect on my own.

My father is an OFW. Whenever he came home, we would go on vacations by the sea or have spontaneous hotel stays at Marco Polo. He loved giving us gifts, especially when our grades were good. He appreciated my handmade cards. He liked having us all in one room to watch a movie together.

But those moments were rare.

He would stay for only a month and then be gone for a year. He carried a military-like presence — disciplined, firm, not constantly affectionate.

Our bonding moments were few. But when they happened, they felt wonderful. Rare, fleeting, but deeply felt.

01/2026

31/01

-went to chueca by day and saw there are nice spots and a public library. Went for a coffee and sipped it on a rainy and cold winter day.

-Can't get over with hamnet, as i watch my first cinema (that i paid for) (cine yelmo ideal, dr Cortezo) here in Spain. I found myself crying, heavily. Paula too, more intensely. I could have cried tremendously but i got distracted with paul mescal's charm

-went home with a heavy heart

30/01

-one of those days when i woke up at the right side of the bed

-im able to roam my eyes again. More higher than just simply looking at my steps.

-im surprised that I'm listening to olivia dean, and i love her tracks. Done my early walk at the nearby park, as not to be nervous later with my interview for BEDA. Just immerse myself with the tranquility and assure myself that everything will be fine.

28-29/01

-days are getting lighter

-had my first heavy snow experience here in collado Villalba. First snow fight and real life snowman with the kids (students). The kid in me is screaming.

-really loving my quite and slow early morning

-the view outside my window: light sunshine, snowcapped mountains and a passing train. I'm not romanticizing this time, but it's definitely charming.

-got ecstatic about the upcoming amnesty. I just can't believe after months of getting crazy and anxious about my irregular status, now there's an opportunity to grow more here in Spain. Grateful!

24-27/01

-fought back the demons in my head as if it was the green little monster by murakami 

-talked with russ and told him about my darkness and how these seeds of dormant monsters are now creeping on me. He told me about generational trauma (colonialism) and reco the brown.psyche

-hand over as provenance, han kang's the vegetarian, to maren

-watching full docus on YouTube, the one that hit me so hard is at 27:00:

The unloved children of sex tourists 

23/01

-other than bed rotting, i also need to counter brain rot. So i am on socmed detox for now and read: the vegetarian. I'm done on the first part last night, it was intense. Will continue the 2nd part today.

-went to see my doctor, dra Cristina and told her I had a potential std and had me swabbed in the area I had never been swabbed before. Well, there's always the first time for everything 

-talked with maxie bella about my social anxiety and awkwardness with my new colleague and i felt reassured and heard. Thank you mareh...

-friday getaway with joana paola in madrid centre and really had fun. She flipped a coin and followed her ex lover back. I saw an old gay couple having an intimate drink by the window. Also saw someone who i found too handsome, so I looked away only to find him again smiling at me, however, just like everyone in the metro, fades away along the crowd, the street signs and subways. But still, it is a fun and heartwarming Friday night.

22/01

-just realized i still feel like myself, just muted. Maybe i am constantly sensitive (co living with my landlady) and socially overstimulated (handling kids). So interacting with maren and especially with jamie (who i really feel weird) is daunting 😅. It creates a ripple effect specially during the break where i found myself in a hurry in getting my coffee which makes (think) the people around me feel like I'm on a run.

-my consolation for today is i had a great time with the kids especially in playing football. As if im watching a championship match

-on my way home, meet jaime, my happy crush. He is really handsome. I told him i won't be back until Monday so i bid him have a great weekend ahead. He smiled and we did high five but for me it is kind of holding or touching his hand which is very soft. The thought of it made me giddy and when I'm all alone, i lingered my hand on my nose and my lips. 😭

20-21/01

-my social anxiety is getting worse. I don't have this before. I felt I was more of a cocktail kind of person but now, i felt awkward around people. Talked about this with Maren 

-winter cold and dampness made my feelings even worse. I had less appetite and low vibration. Having coffee just made me hypersensitive and nervous. I'm at a loss for what to do for now.

19/01

-we have an additional language assistant from the UK. His name is jamie and he reminds me of Andrew (my co summer camp counselor in Milan). We started awkwardly with him but i hope we will have a great time with Maren.

-btw, Jaime is as cute as ever. He is indeed my happy crush.

-i was totally affected by the recent train derailment in Andalusia. Can't stop myself from watching the news about the death toll. Last year, there was also a tragedy in southern Spain with flash flooding. Why am i getting engrossed with these tragedies? Even if i find it disturbing and saddening? Am i that troubled and sad? Or am I just too zen and these nuisances retain the messy kind of human in me?

18/01

-enjoyed the sunny winter and saw the beautiful snowcaps in the surrounding mountains. I miss walking in this path in el Cerillo. Walk without my phone and simply disconnect from socmed and reconnect with nature 

16-17

-my appointment with dra Cristina was postponed but seen cute guys in the hospital 😅

-found a very peaceful chapel near the hospital 

-coffee with joana paola at cuento cafe and tried their ube cake

-we went to the old matadero and the new mall across it.

-russ shared this vid (handel) and adored the restraint emotion yet poignant potency: Se il mio amor fu il tuo

-watched handel's imeneo 

15/01

-believing is better than knowing 

-finished stranger things s5

-watched star Cinema's "and the bread winner is"

14/01

-It's weird when i felt i woke up on the right side of the bed earlier (able to sleep 8 hours), generally had a great day and all of a sudden, i had an incident with Elyan (1st grade) who hit me and Luca (in PE class) with a rocket when elyan cannot handle his tantrum. It was a violent incident that we needed to raise an incident report. I feel sorry for Luca who has his chin bruised and for myself as my lip burst. It's very traumatic and i hope elyan receive proper guidance.

13/01

-as im having this insomnia, i listen to audiobook: elephant vanishes: sleep

-sleepless night goes on, start reading vera's gift: han kang's "the vegetarian" 

11-12/01

-random realization: as a UP graduate, before, i felt i have so much edge to other graduates from other schools.

Now, I feel I have to compete with other nationalities such as British and Americans

-meet Joana Paola for her belated bday

-coming back from 3-week worth of vacation in Norway, msged Vera that i feel rested gyud.. mas na kalma ko pag balik nako in Spain.. i feel softer and smoother around the edges.

-such a beautiful sunny winter day when we attended the mass, find the dark haired priest to be attractive. The coffee and pastries served after the mass reminds me of "pamainit" during simbang gabi in my younger years.

10/01

-we went to this sleigh slope where i had my first snow gliding. 

-It's embarrassing to admit that i had my first snow surfing first rather than the surfing with the waves in the Philippines 

-my vision is filled with sparks. Like electrons cruising through my veins in my eyes. Even the moisture sparkles in the sun. Purely magical.

09/01

-just loving the bus ride going to Oslo in the snowy weather. Sparkling sparkles. A wind riding through the winter wonderland 

-had coffee at the opera house, with the view of the fjord and iceberg glass installation art, to simply commemorate my last Friday here in Norway. Ending my 3 week vacation with a bittersweet apostrophe 

-back at vera's house, me together with the family watched this film about the boy named Christmas. And how believing is better than knowing.

08/01

-savor the sunny day, walk along the coastal side of oslo and go through the capitol then to astrup fernly museum 

-had this moment at the port and look at the akershus fortress from the other side

-got lost between regional and city trains at the national theater 😅

-finally meet vera at nydalin (after two failed attempts) and she showed me around the IT park-esque area, where her previous office was located

-bonding moment with vera over coffee and marshapan cake at the baker hansen

-intense talk with vera

07/01

-able to speak with chai, and as usual it lasted for hours. We talked about the milestone we've been through as we reached 40

-visit museet and able to see the other side of the fjord at night.

-dance under the oslo tree, with its thousands of LED leaves

02-06/01

-Simply slowdown and drift with my thoughts 

***

-winter is in full force. All is white. Crystaline flickerings.

-got myself transfixed at the view in my window at vera's place in myhra. Snow, pine trees, white and frosted. Moon, stars, transcend(ential). Huge, cinematic.

-went to the hotel thon lillestrome and enjoyed the pool and sauna. Also the steam room feels like bjork's reverb chamber. Sang ave maria a la Charlotte church

-also had this intimate jacuzzi moment and i have the entire pool area to myself.

-slow breakfast with vera and her family 

-kulitan with the kids, william and Alicia 

-thomas and i had this wonderful talk about his musical creations, my ptsd healing process and how's life in general 

01/01

-had the first sunrise at våg inlet

-had our early morning mass

- Sumptous dinner with vera and her family 

-had our first snow, just like a rain in the Philippines, a sign of blessings 

recent realizations: entry# 2

As a UP Diliman graduate, I used to believe I had an edge.

I carried it lightly, almost unconsciously—

a confidence I didn’t need to defend.

Now I find myself competing not just with other people,

but with entire nationalities.

With locals who belong without trying,

with Brits and Americans whose passports

seem to arrive ahead of them,

opening doors before they even speak.

What I thought was distinction

feels fragile here.

Intelligence, discipline, years of effort—

they all grow quieter

beside accents, borders, and documents.

And some days, I am not asking to be exceptional anymore.

I am only asking to be allowed

to stay,

to work,

to matter.

recent realizations: entry# 1

I saw an interracial straight couple earlier in the Madrid metro—an Asian woman and a Caucasian man. They looked like such a beautiful pair, equally pretty and handsome. Well dressed, well off. As if they were at the height of both their relationship and their careers. There was a sense of freedom about them—financial, emotional, existential. No trace of hardship or struggle on their faces.

Meanwhile, here I am, wrapped in a constricting jacket, my backpack as heavy as my thoughts about being an irregular resident in Spain and the uncertainty of my future employment. Cold and damp, in this humid kind of winter.

When was the last time I was in a healthy, visible relationship? I miss smiling brilliantly with my partner, and having him smile just as brilliantly back at me.

Or when was the last time my heart smiled with me?