03/2022

03/31

-trip to samar to visit max

03/25-30

-everyday im missing det and just got myself distracted with political campaigns but its not healthy.. im still in a wreck

will definitely have clarity soon

03/24

-had my tetanus booster shot and syph test

-

03/23

-had a steamy encounter with a cute hairy guy who also have fetish to be sniffed. i love his armpits and he breed on me

03/22

-UP campus is filled with snowlife cotton balls . i wanna take a picture of it but my ohone is dead.. i usually fail to shoot something magical.. but what i did is just simply breath in it, be with it and experience in actuality.

03/21

-woke up at park chateau

-breakfast at emeralds and see the night after leni

-went to lifehomes and had breakfast with my sister and laws, mamu and the kids.. xin2x and avy

03/20

-ortigas lenie sortie

-just tired.. can no longer stand it. went to metrowalk for a drink. then found comida.. kind if reminds me of rapture. its 

03/19

-Det is no longer responding

-met jake.UP

-also meet Rick 

-kindo of fucked off kinda day

-the day is so confusive for sleeping.. just want to sleep sll day

03/18

-russ' bday.. did not reached out to him but he is always on my thoughts

-i just cant post another pics from the past that has been recycled again and again, if its like a chicken broth, i dont want to present an essence less chicken fiber.

-full moon, most times it excites but sometimes it drains the sanity in me.. laze down the whole day starting yesterday.

-watched memoria and still got mesmerized by tilda

03/17

-ugghh finally, was able to watched "the worst person in the world" online 😅

i've been waiting for this since last quarter of last year. just like trying to set an appointment on DFA's website, ive tried again and again.. again and again day after day.. weeks months until google search provided me the ideal link head on. 

yes i kept on revisiting and scouring for links for a free clear copy since this is not available in local cinemas yet (as far as im aware of) and holly molly just landed a streaming page which bombards me with 25 auto blocked pages.. but its worth it! im screaaaminGgGG!!!

..

this is a kind of an encounter when you dont have an immediate friend to talk to and you find this film which sort of telling you, "hey i understand you since you understand me.. i speak your truth." (omygehd have i just had this imaginary conversation with the film now..?) as i feel what it feels and it feels what i feel.. eh? ahaha basta yun na yurn..

so, im digging this. i want this as a back to back fucked up movie with umi ishihara's the garden apartment

03/15

-declutter my room as i see it as being devastated by a storm. just like my emotional state with Det. such a relief when i somehow cleared the mess and took a bath and have some warm cacao. self compassion is such a great healer.

-watched the rain outside my window, it is comforting to see it soothes the parched land

03/14

-woke up with an email that i have class with doc dayang. i felt a surge of hope and excitement with my teaching career in the future.. i hope can make it in due course.

-was able to accomplish my passport renewal. FINALLY. its been days weeks months since i tried making an appointment then there was this fire at robinsons magnolia, im glad DFA was not affected.

-im feeling low ever since det is no longer responding back to my msgs

-i dunno, i kind of attached to him already.

03/13

-just finished watching the theory of everything

i had this head ache from over sleeping

-well i can only blame it to the weather.. it just start raining after long dry spell

after several years since the pandemic, ive zorro again

-meet uro once again, deym he is totally hot and sexy. he is buffed and all that from working out. he brought me to a rooftop. where we did our usual steamy encounter and he took a video. i cum immensely and he came all over my face. another hot encounter with him.

03/11,12

-kept on thinking about det... 

03/10

-morning walk and really had an intense colors yet gentle morning sunshine at sunken garden

-im having insomnia episode

-i wanna see horror film sana then watched howie severeno's multo ng kasaysayan

-its disturbing and to ground me went through gardening and be at peace with my newly sprout mongo seeds and listen to olafur arnalds live performance in Sydney opera House.. it was emotional.

-after centuries of unable to compose, i got a new poetry entry:

http://hotmug.blogspot.com/2022/03/empty.html?m=1

-Dets words ringing in my mind: you cannot explain but you would be able to understand

03/09

-bond with carri at rals

-kinda drunk but got an email from sir amos and doc dayang and got hopeful for finishing my thesis and pray make it this year.. sent them responses and maam may as well.. praying to God hope all will be all well..

03/08

-saw dether once more, came to his house.. i greatly missed him. he never knew how guba broken i was without him. but for some reason i felt weird. i kinda want to hand over him a note saying: i dont feel something special about u anymore.. just like what arturo just msged me. but this time it was me giving out to someone else. i dunno. but when i hugged him and touch his hair, i like him. i dunno. i tried making it a better day and wont define it in any way.

03/07

-call mamu as i got disturbed with my massage encounter at the blind massage center where a woman scream and cried as she felt violated, told mamu what i remembered with the scream and together we pray for them. hope all is well.

03/04-6

-was suppose to have dether come over at my place. i went through this major cleaning, did my laundry to have my bed sheet fresh, transplant indoor plants and all and then, 

he cant make it. 

he needs me time from being overworked from site. i felt wrecked.. well i cant blame him although i felt down but thats the way it is. i let my maturity sinked into me and just simply say that all those preparation is for my own fix. so im good. i also went through me time at marikina early in the morning and visit jardin ni lola for the first time. it was beautiful.

03/01-03

-moments of which i stayed in bed and just let my mind wander.

03/31/2022

03/31/22

finally had my passport renewed.. its funny when every time i had my photo taken for govt issued IDs i always have tyra banks' voice in my head: "think about murder" 😅

i could only wish what i have in my hand is a black passport.. applying for visa for a certain foreign country is such a pain in the @$$

now i wonder.. kelan kaya tayo magiging 1st world? how can we free ourselves from the stigma associated of being a citizen of a third world country? ewan.. i thought it was all in my mind but no.. it is indeed happening..

this didn't dawn on me until i got here in the city. as an islander, i don't have those concepts and i consider my hometown as a paradise and paradise has no effin ranking/category  if its 1st 2nd or 3rd. Realizing that we are in a 3rd world country makes me feel what Giselle felt in the film Enchanted, when she learned the word and actualizing the feeling of "anger", for the first time.

traveling for me is a weapon to kill. the thrill to kill. to kill "overthinking". specially if those thoughts were shoved into your head without legitimate reference and being fact checked. What better way to kill those voices by drowning them with the thought of you snorkeling or free diving in a deep sea ocean. 

that's why starting today. i will do this 3 day social media detox (fb, twitter and even email) and head towards eastern coast. right at the pacific. have this temporary bliss of escaping both the virtual realities of our society and physical realms of what it is to live in a "developing country"--- escaping the filthy smoke and unbearable stench of livelihood, i want to leave any trace of urban living, the once virtual community which now becoming a digitally chaotic society and, the f### of it.

pause

turn off

reset

just like my expired passport, there's a need for me to be renewed.

"empty"

reaching out to you

with weathered hands

made of withered veins

up to my chest, 

up to my throat

running out of breath

lungs full of dusts

pinned on bed

but already

already but not yet

crossed out

seems to be 

you tried to drill me out

but too late, 

i already passed out

quick drying cement

im stuck, with no choice 

but be burnt 

with gasoline

got to hurry, 

for there should be, 

or would be, 

would it be?

a grand show?

or there's no need to flow

let go

there's no time

to get buried

we are no longer in touch

(in and.out();

worktask.communication.execute();

ex.communication

if (waiting=="empty")

unsure with awkward glance

slowly, fading 

humming away

further, and further away

the final passing of the violin

the last whisper of the flute

the last key

the last note:

"I understand your decision. 

But I am here, sitting in front of you, 

telling you to reconsider."

a means to an end