07/31
-chat with monette after dreaming about her, she also went through the passing of her parents so she comforted me about my lola. her words of compassion and wisdom is very powerful, it starts with self care as u cannot depend it from someone else
07/30
-interview with admu
-gmeet with ma'am Lenn, it was a great conversation
-bond with sarah tario and sge became my instant life coach
07/27
-i guess im in the lowest point in my life.
-never cried so hard and for so long..
-my eyes played trick on me, halucinating, i thought i saw someone standing but when i get a closer look, its just a lonely tree. gosh.. never felt so isolated
-had gary valenciano's version what matters most played on loop
-able to determine the root cause of my jealousy, sadness and depression:
*my lola's death
*my mother is mourning
*loneliness
*substance abuse
*frustrations with my promotion
*no lovelife
*skyrocketing bills
*i didnt able to make it on the list for graduation
07/26
-julia's vlog what matters most came into my google recoline, cheezy it may seem but it kinda brings back my early memories of baguio and lovelife
-now im just jealous of other zaeed being with someone else and then jm de guzman look alike dating someone else. i never felt so bitter.
-at the end, treat myself with self love and compassion. will take care of myself now and i will cry my heart out later 😢
07/25
somehow the sky went clear and bask myself with some sunlight. i know im still sad and depress but little joys somehow lift me up
07/24
-felt like my life is over
-everything is so dark
-im dying
-my jealousy towards zaeed went back. it spiked up. i went balistic. trying to call him.while hes having session with someone else.
07/23
-watched 2017 "the ritual"
i felt the sadness rather than the horror. the monster is the depression that is killing me
-just total darkness
07/22
wasted
depressed
i remember yesterday i cried inside jollibee while having coffee
i spent so much money for substance
this is way too much
ineed to fix myself
07/21
as always, hearing my mother cry totally breaks my heart.
to my lola Pineng, you always be in our hearts. eternal love, light and peace be with you 'la.
maayong paglawig.
07/20
budol was real
lost 2.5k bec of scam
met anthony the hotelier
parteed with him
07/19
meet light tower3 guy
07/17
partee with 6ftr 3rd flr guy
07/12
-woke up recharged snd refreshed.
-heading back to manila
finally claimed my last pay and encashed it in union bank
-i thought ub will hold me for inquiries
-its such a relief that my cebu jaunt was a success although i was so driven with anxiety
07/11
-do my usual early morning walk towards busay while raining.
-drenching myself in dewy mountain air
-spoil myself with all the food that greatly miss: seafood, lechon and very affordable avocados
-had so many potential conracts in gr but fellow gay cebuanos have alot of fuss.
-i thought i end up with no one but finally able to slept with someone, he's an insurance agent. i was straight forward and made a point that i wont be having his offer but only his body. we slept together and cuddle with him until morning. while he's deep asleep, i recharge myself with all the sensuality of being unconsciously intimate with someone.
07/10
-had my trip back to cebu to claim my long overdue back pay from eb
-able to meet manu cebu colleagues namely russel and melanie. had a great time with them at the shrine, newport and at the mactan mercato
07/09
-i felt sore. as if all the energy in me is gone
-take a walk at the back of area 2 and be drenched with fallen flowers, misty pavement and mild sunlit trees. a walk of awe
and be a child in wonder again.
-my herba bualena are lush so picked some and made a tea out of it.
-made the medalia fun fact for carri.. my boss anj was impressed with my writing.
07/08
its one of those days
na i just dont feel it
not motivated nor excited
just kept on sleeping
-im worried about my trainer results, ruminate the things i could have done better. i am becoming so restless, again and again. 😢
-was bargaining with the universe to atleast provide me at least one reward: either i got to make it to obtaining my bfa art educ diploma or get the trainer post.
-never felt to so low
-im glad mama B is there to remind to redeem myself. listened to her "body memory" and watched the cornocupia stage visuals.
-its just now i realized its potency, the message was so powerful and so timely for what i am going through
-i felt comforted.
07/07
had a vivid even lucid dreams of the wonders of on the spot theater...the existence of the infinite line and everyone has a piece.. every piece is a performance. and performance is an art.. wow the wonders of performance art. (chai and her team)
07/03
-let a long 4 day weekend begin. started with eating with friends together in timog. they are officemates but all these times i felt they are closed friends, one thing that made me enjoy my stay in this company.
07/02
-attended this everydaybetter session with our director, Ms. D (divine chavez) and was moved with her life story when she was asked how did she find out its time to move up with her career.
07/01
rain rain rain
just hearing the rain outside my window and sleep longer
hibernate mode
