-slowing down
-i guess i had enough for this month
04/29
-i felt sexier every single day im done with my swimming. able to do 20 laps without taking a break. i also found a hot guy and he play this song while taking a shower: this guy is in love with u pare.
me: gosh kaloka
-attended Ateneo's art talk. was mesmerized and overwhelmed (in a good way)
with Iya Regalario with her a lifetime worth of introspection of her works and her processes. i have nothing but pure respect and admiration as she stay true to her passion
. im so glad ateneo is having this kind of events.
-proceeded to charlie co's exhibit and still cannot get over with the first time i saw his artwork in Bacolod
*insert image*
-also went through Justiniani's void of spectacles art installation. for a moment, it scares the hell out of me. fear of height is real and the fear that the mind create is muc more real. share it with noel, telling him i wish we could have experienced this together
-then i went to the main gallery where i saw works of my previous teachers in updil: prof yasmin Lantz and prof. brenda fajardo.
-it was definitely an amazing art immersion day
-posted a dedication insta fpr vera's bday, a random memory
https://hotmug.blogspot.com/2007/09/pricked.html?m=0
04/28
-lazy sunday
-watched hd restored version of san ka man naroon. was totally struck with the entirety of the film. and gosh, i realized, if my mother is a die hard sharonian, i could have been a die hard dawn Zulueta fan ( with Richard gomez as her love tandem)
-also watched an abs cbn documentary
: Fedelina, a stolen life
-i felt my eyes are bursting with tears
04/27
-msged noel:
"gmorning babe.. di pa rin ako mka get over last night.. 😅
its as great as always.. have a wonderful weekend 😘"
i said it in a light hearted way, but inside i felt crumbling. i do miss the taste of his cum, his scent.. really need to center my self once again. even after swimming, i still feel agitated. done further self compassion by thanking my body, my ass (for an intense fuck last night) and specially my heart which/who is working overtime
over analyzing about noel.
-went to sunkin garden to find my peace, and saw this child playing aimlessly.. the universe sort of msging me, hushing my mind, my heart.. reminding me just to take it easy and always keep a child like wonder.
04/26
-finally reunited/meet with noel. he is much fit and hotter compared the last time i met him. as a result of his daily commute and work out. his beard also looks so manly and sexy. im also glad he is so driven with his new work and passionate on what he's doing.
-felt overwhelmed when im with him, kinda losing myself when we have sex. a part of me is trying to hold back as i might get drawn to him intensely once again.
-as usual, we can talk so much /many things post coitus
.. i wish he can sleep with me.. to keep him much much longer.. he is definitely a husband material.. but i have that shrug that idea off as il.soon be migrating.
-i find it hard to sleep
04/25
-my drug test came out, and im so glad its all negative. was already in the verge of losing when i thought the 1:20 am/pm that was written and encircled means i am positive for amp from the kush i took over the last weekend. it was actually 1:20pm, the time. i haf a temporary heart attack! gosh!?!!
04/24
-took my morning swim and gosh! the pool was so sparklinh clear/clean. never did i enjoyed the
pool this much. did 20 lapse non stop and also stayed longer as i enjoy the scenery and as if i have it all for myseñf
specially when most of the athletes were done for today.
-pass by the church and say thanks for a marvelous day. still can't believe i got the job offer last night and pray that i won't be busted with the drug test since i had some joints last weekend during Lanis' partey.
-also prayed that my upcoming spain journey will simply fall into place and everything will be fine 🙏
04/23
-it still didn't sink in, na 39 na ko 😅
-overheard a couple walking in in updil, the girl mutter something like: "when i reached 18, i should be like:..."
now i wonder what i was when i was 18. so i went through my micro journal and here, i was able to leaf through the years gone by more than 2 decades ago.
https://hotmug.blogspot.com/2003/04/april-2023.html?m=0
-reading through my past journals and old letters stirred something in me. a feeling that i haven't felt a long period of time. intense levels of kilig, longing, lost, determination, confidence and that notion that its a big world out there and im about to explore it. i guess I need to retrieve and resuscitate that old self of me
04/22
-still can't believe my ongoing bummer era is still on going
never been better
-after a week of hiatus, able to swim again at the university
pool. doing better with my laps
done 10 laps without a breaks
-rewatch "call me by your name" i cannot count how many times i watched it, feels like a summer tradition already. i just wish i can get into meeting someone and spebd summer with him in italy, someday.
-5pm is always a relief of the summer heat. hottest so far, at 38*c
-still got hangover with lanis and lili's birthday. my tribute, the joint, the music, and yes the boxes of crosta pizzas
**04/21
-talk with jazel while heading home: the struggle of destiny, how i wish when the right person, at the right time, at the right place is rolled into one
-told.her about noel or any prospective partner.. that i feñt i don't have the right to fall in love or let someone fall in ñove with me since im moving out of the country..
**04/20
-lanis' bday party..
04/19
-went to my kuya's post bday
party with his fellow celebrants from his company at the Tivoli gardens residences. nice venue, great food, had some hard drinks and enjoyed the great videoke set. really had a great time as i talked with his fellow close officates that i knew (gerome, smokey..)
-since i still have the buzz, went to rapture and had marvelous time witnessing their current winter cowboy presentation.. showcasing a retrospective of Beyonce's old tracks and her latest album: cowboy carter. i wish maxie bella is there since she is a fan of queen B.
04/18
-meet meiaj and spent early morning with him at the university hotel for early morning date. then went to Rodics for lunch. siesta aty
place and made love in the middle of the summer heat
.. later that day, watched enhanced restoration of susana de Guzman's sumpaan with him. i guess we really had a great time.
-proceed to ramos village tp spend kuya Carlo's bday. wonderful bonding with family even enjoyed papa's wonderful voice over videoke, specially his rendition of "Greatest love story"
04/16
-watched best of iran:
track 143
first irananian film I've watched and its one of those movies which really brought me to tears.
participated in a post film interview where i told them that i am so affected with the palestine bombing pictures
an ongoing war with Iran. and i just want to make sense of it so this drives me to watch this screening. it totally blows me away with its subtle yet progressive drama. one of the most emotionaly challenging films.
04/15
-simply marvel the cotton trees in bloom. they are like tiny puffy clouds suspended on branches.
04/14
-really had weird dreams, nit able to sleep well.
-finished reading m. cunningham's "the hours" and watched the movie right after. virginia woolf's lettter to leonard is still spell binding.
-5pm is always a relief from scorching heat. do my walk of wonder, midnight walks along maginhawa-sikatuna while listening to diana krall live kn
paris. also found a mabuhay magazine 2010 independence special edition along the street
-past midnight, bootie call. git this msge from this boy next door kind of guy in sofia.. it wasn't (david) the 6'2 fubu tho,
we did it on their rooftop (emergency stairs) he fuck me and when he is about to cum, he removed the condom and burst inside me.. that was hot.
got so horny when he fucked me bare.
04/13
-finally visited jazel kristin's
place in maginhawa. sadly she is on her last few weeks as the
place will be demolished for upscaling. marveled her trinkets from her travels. seing her room for the first time felt im in her retrospective exhibit of her 10 years worth of occupancy in her beloved place. she prepared some Vietnamese coffee and toasts in between heartful conversation.
-attended maria maria's zoom meeting as they got the grant from benilde. im genuinely happy and proud of them also able to witness and learn how they brainstorm their deliverables and to do's with coach lem's project managing skill. we had a virtual bonding after their meeting. a way to catch up with russ who is now on his 2nd week in texas' gay commune with Dane (artist residency)
04/12
-watched the premiere of "your mother's son" with the gang. with compli ticket and cocktails from the writer himself: elmer..
-nanyang moment and tacios
in cubao.
04/10-11
-grounding moments
-savouring the life of a bummer. no work. no obligations. no commitment .. pure nothingness. its been 5 years since i felt this way. 5 years since i also had this in cebu (when tbe company i worked for shuts down and we were paid 2 months worth of separation fee) its really a needed cycle.
04/09
-finally slept very well and wake up after more than two days of sleep deprivation.
-caught a falling tree flower and had a wishful thinking: to find my love partner in Spain
-realized that all my childhood years, my parents, specially my mama (since my papa is always working abroad) doesn't really
prepare for my birthdays, leadt throw a children's party. that's why i don't feel the urge to make it grand, celebrations can be kept simple and ordinary.
that was engrained to me
up to this age.. that is why i don't feel entitled nor expecting much more from others specially during my birthday. that's why i love spending it all by myself.
-i woke up still having the hangover of what I've done last weekend.
-the idea of prince.james keeps on haunting me. to the extend it was annoying. "its just because of the pill" he said. i need recovery. i was so harsh with him. i wanted to say im sorry. he also need to say sorry too . i think time will just simply makes things better. i say sorry in silence for him and for myself.
-bathe in sunset while reading the hours at nomu (while having croissant and coffee). was mesmerized in the chapter where virginia woolf was dreaming of a park. it was so beautiful that she feels herself floating. and even
parallel it with the garden of a a different dimension, the park of the dead. now i have a different view of a memorial
park.
-pass by aleng nena's to have
pichi2x and the gay service crew was exceptional he has a very global attitude and warm demeanor. he made my day
-went to my favorite Persian restaurant: ababu and ordered my favorite: gahfgazi
-changed my bed sheets, thats the change/ a new start that i can do, for now.
-before the night ends, i blow a candle and my wish: to find my new home this year.
04/08
-during our small talks, prince.james knew i am an aries. he even says belated happy birthday, i correct him that it wasn't the case.
-it was on our 3rd f.u when we finally had a hard on and gosh, i realized how huge he is. his dick is like european, small head but long.. with fat circumference. i came while sitting on him. it was a wild orgasm. i exploded with the entirety of me. i felt all the after waves inside my head i he also reached his climax. twice. was able to taste his cum in my mouth also he came inside me and we kissed. that was a long and good sex. good for even a month. for me, i consider it as my birthday sex
-we tried to sleep in the middle of a hot sultry summer day.
04/07
-its just passed midnight when i finally made an arrangement with prince.james even how drunk i am (already had 5 or six shots of tequila and 3 beers?) say sorry to my liver but tonight i permit myself to get toxicated. prince.james is toxic himself. if only he is not a as gwapo as before i could have said no. but he is too attractive to be refused to. it just that his level of attractiveness is at par with his level of annoyance. his being OC, very demanding and being bossy
was compensated with his care and hospitality.
-oh, i didn't mention his place is in laguna. took me almost an hour motorcycle ride to reach his place and almost 500 pesos worth of ride. but the sex was all worth it. we made love for hours or even days (up to the 8th) before we able to reach orgasm.
04/06
-was suppose to buy myself a new electric kettle but i found myself roaming around trinoma. had coffee and Portuguese egg tart. then went to ayala triangle. had dinner at Bacolod inasal. gosh how i miss Bacolod. their turon a la mode with sili is everything.
-went to pobla. nobody from my spanish class can make it. chill all by myself at our favorite spot at uncle john. had a beer and i already had the buzz when i finally visited futurist. dance the night away. (to the extent i got blisters on my feet!) was already drunk when i realized their speakers is such a major flop. went to apotheka
and spent an entrance just to see gen z how to party. same same as my younger years.
nothing exceptional. so bored when prince.james finally msge me. he invited me for a partee session with him.
04/05
-swim, find it very meditating to find my breathing one withmy every stroke.
-visited my folks. glad to see
papa and mama. although it wasn't really an eventful day but atleast i see them ok. went home early. i just don't feel
up for a longer night with them. say goodnight while kuya and jess in the middle of watching a movie.
04/04
-had the most amazing guided meditation ever. this is the nest 20mins of my life, meditating and grounding at the lagoon area with the late thich nhat hanh
https://youtu.be/XHvtIcaD194?si=QItYTnrhqn8QxYOZ
-2nd day swimming at the.
up pool. much relax and better stroke this time.
-supposedly doing a nap but turns out a deep recovery sleep
-never felt so alive
04/02-03
-had some troubling thoughts but its more of me transitioning to something else. got some anxiety and slight panick attacks.. meditate and sit with the comfort that the universe is on the work with me and i am enough, i am capable and i am sufficient.
-meet xtian asoy, my fellow art educ from updil and bond over at nomu while i bless him my research book for his thesis. its wonderful to feel i have colleagues from what we coined: the rare pokemon gc
-in touched with KF and he might join me in masasa on the 9th
-invited meiaj to spend overnight but he seems to have busy sched up until the weekend
04/01
-TL Rio was kind enough to made my remaining days as lwop. my almost 5 year tenure at Manulife ends.
-new life, new adventure awaits me
