last sunset of 2018 seen in bantayan island
photo by: tria ducay

11/2018

11/06/2018
After watching lars von trien nymphomaniac, i felt more normal.

11/11/2018
I have episodes of missing zaeed and wanting to relapse after watching "the weekend" as tom cullens looks like him and when they made love after having cocaine.

11/14/2018
I still have no work and my last pay is diminishing, pre occupying myself with my tiny room improvement.

10 D.C.

i always pass by here and at first i thought, this is twitter's head quarters
but no, it's a confectioner

at closer look, it reminds me of contis at trinoma.

so i said to myself, i better try this place.

each time i passed by, i found myself jokingly saying to a friend that: if only they could make a better version of mango brahvo, then i would say good bye to contis.

but I haven't seen or tried one that could beat  mango brahvo. 

when i finally get to 10 DC, i tried their dark and white chocolate cake and it automatically becomes my favorite. looking closely to their cake designs, to be honest, is kinda "lack luster". 

In comparison, the cakes displayed in starbucks, err the fast food house of coffee and pastries, are even more pleasing.

for me, white DC's cake, on the outside, looks like a fusion of anita's bakeshop meet goldilocks.

one time, me and tria picked up a cake for our dear friend's wedding in talisay, but my eyes were fixed to this cake: He's mine, err i mean "it's mine".  ^_^

the staffs are good and the ambiance minus the view outside (left side if your facing the counter) is dreadful. Their pastries doesn't look tempting, but the taste, it's heavenly.

recommendation:

better have a seat facing the floor to ceiling window towards the walk or the one facing the japanese restaurant. And it is better to have your coffee at 9am when you have the whole place for yourself.

toby's estate @ ortigas

with maxie bella in panglao

With Max and Mengua at Mövenpick resort mactan

Red turtle

went for an early morning swim and immerse into the calmness of the water, devoid of the nuisance vibrations from motor boats and other sea bathers.

skin diving, i braved the itchy stings of jellyfish larvae bloom and glide into the glass like waters of moalboal until i felt something is watching me.

a gigantic sea turtle.

it was so at peace with the sea, or should i say, with silence--- a total opposite of me as i have turbulent fears, not just with the abyss that serves as our border, me with the half dead corals while him in the deep breathing waters.

i froze for a moment. now i get it, the power of silence, respect and enamored with it.

i tried to linger with the rare encounter and grasp the incomprehensible interconnection.

then it reminds me of the japanese-french-belgian co-production animation: "the red turtle".

it reminds me with the realization of what is the most important in life and be aware of its several cycles; then swim, dance, born, breath, love, die and reincarnate with it.

as if the turtle has already accomplished its mission, it swam away and fade into the blue. leaving me floating in immensity.

for the first time in a long while, i'm so overwhelmed that i wanted to cry and let my tears fuse with the salty waters.

re: "letters from the closet" 8:56 AM veraLeigh said..

"i was wondering 
if i have denied myself 
for something 
i can't put a name on, 

for so long 
a time 
already that 

i have gradually destroyed 
the yellows of my days - 

the suns, 
the stars at night, 
or even the yellows on roads 

and plains, 
specks of candy wrappers 
maybe, 

or wild flowers displaced 
in the city sides 

- 

all of them gone."

-veraleigh lasam
thursday, june 23, 2005

criss·cross

I started swimming as a form of exercise way back in college. I like the Olympic sized pool in Abellana sports complex in Cebu, that is where i usually take my laps. Swimming somehow clears my mind, as all you have to do is breath and swim towards the other end of the pool, back and forth, again and again. Doing that in an hour is like nirvana for me.

You can forget anything, almost everything, except breathing.

And i love it when i look at the mirror and thinking that i am building myself a great body.

I keep doing it until i moved here in Manila, that was 2010. That's when i stopped swimming as i started partying and play around with boys, like a lot of them, as if i'm in a tank filled with fishes. So i kept on hunting, too pre occupied that I forget how to simply swim in the pool, me and just the water. crisscrossing, together.

After 8 years, i start doing this again. Here in ULTRA. I dunno, it feels like the old days. That feeling of being youthful and excited to embrace the world, again.

reserve(d)

with all the new gourmet coffee shops sprouting here and there and with all the growing numbers of impressive coffee art enthusiasts, it's high time for starbucks to level up to a much higher notch. I am glad they come up with this concept of "reserve" able to try the one in the latest wing of Podium and this one really hit a good mark. And not to mention, their Baristas are so adorable (ehem). ^_^

starbucks reserve | at the podium

7. Receive its message and wisdom.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/mindful-anger/201804/9-steps-healing-childhood-trauma-adult

emotions:
anger
anxiety
isolation

The word "tanga" (stupid) always reverberates within me.
It's one of the most derogatory word one can say or let others feel for someone
I have always feel bed about it, hurt, angry and less accepting.
feelings of being not enough

*Papa smashed the dipper on my head (was it a dipper? or planggana?), when i brought something that is not what he needs during my mother's labor.
*A high school classmate knock my head when I did a group assignment and it's not what she expected.
*A potential sex encounter blocked me in grindr when I give multiple options.

misunderstanding, lack of clarity, ambiguous instructions of which not my fault but i was being punished.

>>>

proceed to step 8 and 9

The time has come

for you to lip-sync for... your... life

and don't fuck it up