12/2021

12/31

-as usual, we have work at new years eve and as usual. i dont give a damn about work. just logged in and went to chai's place to celebrate new year.. ahaha its a very joyful new year indeed:

chai's post

12/29-30

-felt burnt out with work

-took the holiday and just do nothing.. i really have to follow the waning phase

-luckily, i kinda break my dry spell..finally have 3 huge encounters and third one is awesome. his upper face looks like edward. so i guess this will tide me by til new year 😅

-saeed msge frm gr.. i dunno why he was able to looked me up.

12/28

-got series of not so frustrating encounters.. alam mo yung anjan na kso di matuloy tuloy. 

example dyei frm marikina

then i also had this encounter with tchinto tall guy i already able to taste his hardness kaso maraming tao, then now moreno buff from alabang kaso tapos na sya i was too late but atleast was able to smell his yummy armpits.. then my ultimate cruise buddy na happens to be frm argao but its already his 2nd round frm someone who already sucked him. gosh.. ewan.. i can get no satisfaction is envading my being

12/26

-was suppose to meet dyei.marikina for the 2nd time, di tuloy ulit 😅

-saw jake.hot along the way as always he so hot but cant seems to catch him up. was all dressep up and all.. 

-so i went to sm north which is a wrong move the place was so crowded at hirap sumakay

-so i take my time enjoying my new coat, have hot choco and pan au chocolate at nords and then spend my sodexhos! i eve earned 8k plus some were given yo Jess and leanes as gift. some remaining were supposedly for crocs.. but the one is love is out of stock..so i had a matching brown merrill hydro moc and frebilla. 

-was stuck at sakayan so spent some sakayan at padis sm north where there was this amazing soloist had two beers. got an invite 

12/25

-its weird as how i see this day as another long weekend. i just simply need to hit that reset button with just everything, work, friends, colleagues and even loved ones.

-just spent it over bukage and was craving for this tempura and spam roll.

-was suppose to me dyei from marikina but iguess.my down time with sex and flings is still ongoing. 

-im not expecting this day to be that eventful anyway, just peace and quite.

and then..

-went to h&m and found this wonderful coat. price tag: almost 2k.. i danced with it to test it and its a perfect fit. 😅 never felt so elated for a random shopping. then have coffee at jco. today i spent:

440 muragami meal set

2000 coat

210 jco

total 2650

-then biker.game msged so we met and did it across by the church it was a steamy hot encounter. we tried doing it late September but we just did it.

-then jairus also msge and i now see him as a young adult who is overworked and underpayed. with a lot of responsibilities. i cant help showering him with kindness and care. treat him with goodies, massage and great love making.. that was an ultimate gift i can give.. and his happiness is priceless. 

12/24

-excited for the xmas eve but again, i dont want to set high expectations.. i dont wanna be burnt out this Holidays

-went to UP church and able to hear the choir singing and a short msge frm the parish priest about the lights.. we were bombarded with xmas lights and well lighted lanterns in comparison to cebu who doesnt have even an electricity.. its really about being thankful and know that there are even much worst situation out there.

i was about to say, wala parin akong jowa but fine, no complaints 😅🤣😭

-slept well and headed pasig at my Brothers' place to be with the fam. had a great time enjoying their company over good food, some singing, listening to xmas songs and to hear our laughters.

-when the clock hit midnight, we had so much fun hugging and cheering everyone.

-suppose to meet with TJ, the one im talking with for the past few days but it didnt happen. i thought i will sleep over at his place since hes just around lifehomes.

12/21-23

-my days are uneventful, i dedicated my days in sleeping and quality rest. just recently i found im waning moon baby and i really have the intention for downtime.

-realized i didnt make it to siargao for my supposedly 1 month stay there because of Typhon Odette

-my timeline is depressing with calamity pics even my work got affected, i cant focus and i got annoyed easily.

-just take my time and enjoy as much as i can, try to be gentle and kind.

12/20

-my brother John's bday with my sister and law Jess bday celebration at max's galeria , im genuinely happy with my family even with been through a lot of harship but somehow we are together and spent quality time together.. i am so filled with love with my parents, my brothers, sister and laws and pamangkins.

12/19

-watched minsan lang kita iibin and was fully impressed with Maricel Soriano's performance.. also ricky Lee's scripts are so superb as he able to capture time and essence of ones character in a short and no fuss dialogue.

-down time and focus on my flow

-spent time with family and watched stonehearst asylum and was inspired with the idea of having someone being posessed with your beauty even in the midst of madness

12/18

-felt like im glowing

-saw francis earlier but this time i manage not to stare at him..i felt im getting over him

-meet and have sex with jairus again but he seems to be mistrustful. found out he already have a child at the age of 21?

-met jake.hot.philcoa it was a nice dawn, it just rained last night and its great time for love making with this hot yummy guy

-done yoga and meditation at beta way.

-i smelling things around me as if its my early teen years.. the air is so pungent with excitement and love

-i never felt to sensual for a long time.

-had facial and massage. if i had sir mike as my fave masseur i have carla as my new faveasseuse. felt super renewed.

12/15-17

-super busy with work but im enjoying it. my metrics are doing well and im shining in our scorecards.

-able to meet guys that are 14 years younger than me and i felt im such a hot cougar 😅

12/14

-was looking for the film where maricel said: "walang magbabagong taon" and the film soltera pops up and before i knew it it was for a different film..

but i was super blown by the film and finished it with such mentoring.. its kinda weird how bjork once said something to this effect that you wont have a constant friend who could relate to you but u can find a film to watch and it speaks ur truth.

12/13

watched caution, lust back to back, first with the subtitle and then the next without.. such msge conveyed simply with their expression and internsity of their raw emotions.

12/12

-lazed at kens place with his niece and her chihuahua named bella

12/11

-met up with ken after years of not seing each other gave him a gift: plant and monogatori lube that is intended for his personal use and end up using it with me.

12/10

-i practiced internal journey once again. i took 2 caps of glutharhion and washed it with lemon water with green tea. infused myself with the mist of cinnamon bark, star anis and sibukaw.

my airways cleared and i felt im sort of washing my lungs clean.

with heavy and still breathing.. series of images went through me.. i was able to pinched images of francis.Up and unggoy like tiny tidbit then remove them away like boogers.. and then recover images of my real lovers e.g. julio and gerald and how they made me happy.. also for those people whom i made happy: arturo and francis and for those people i might hurt but they intend to make me happy: lem and the ramp model who gave me a guitar.

and then ultimately i hugged myself with such kindness and compassion that i felt as if im with myself again after a long time..

it was pure happiness that lingers in and out.. every inhale and exhale.

not wanting anything more. a contented smile sealed my whole being. i stayed for that moment as long as i could.

12/09

-watched Ang Lee's Lust, Caution. what a wonderful masterpiece. i am so drawn to it the entire time and i could reflect to Tai taimai's character. just tragically beautiful.

12/08

-totally not intouched with myself nowadays

-listen to a podcast that somehow validate what i am going:

https://open.spotify.com/episode/38mOe3pue7BDo88qW35GC7?si=CWzHAav_TmGmjkrp5USglw&utm_source=copy-link

-was able to pinpoint my ego is the one hurting and not my feelings. and i have to drop my ego

https://open.spotify.com/episode/45s2jJLezIdAzjazdlldHq?si=kVYjR2qDQTeeA158MG7PcA&utm_source=copy-link

-i tried re aligning my patterns: constantly going to the university ave to cruise

but i just cant help it. boredom and loneliness strikes me and thats the only way to divert it. had moment with this 5'10 guy his name is joseph? i dunno not really into him but i had great connection with him and we had great foreplay and luvmaking. atleast my feelings for francis and unggoy is somehow subsiding.

12/07

-we got system issue with amazon work services.. bond with my team mates and with carri. we had bottles of bottles of heinekin and army navy.

-one memorable moment is when she and i sang karaoke with our mobile device by the pond

12/06

-the weather is so cold that im tempted to to partee n play 

-i also want something to numb my feelings for francis.UP and unggoy. there was this guy whos willing to gv me but there are so.much deal breakers that didnt push me to do it with them. it appears its not my thing anymore.

12/05

-seen francis.Up and all feelings came back. that seed of loneliness and yearning is being sprinkled again. i can feel it regrowing. but i have no choice but to uproot it =(

-also pass by marikina and remembered unggoy as well.. i have this ebe dancels accoustic version on the loop:

 mariposaa

-im feeling terrible

-meet fam and went malling with my pamangkins.. they are my ultimate healer

12/04

-got so many happenings im not able to write them all. life is getting ahead of me.

-was about to go home from my shift and met this chinito guy who looks much of a rich kid. whos only 25 and we had some drinks and went to my place. we watched this mininhorror korean series and we end up having sex. it was a great tandem but im. not sure if it will lasts.

12/01-03

-i just dont know if i got excited with december. before i was constantly excited and i felt everyday is a new day. kind of re organized my old stuff and try to reconnect to my 16 year old self. but it appears to be light years away.

11/2021

11/30

was on a long weekend

-met jairus again and lend him pablo Neruda's book of poetry

11/29

-met katipunan guy, after we spent some time together in my room we talked about films. i have this feeling he is a film major.

then theres this guy whos first time cruising in up, show him how to do a great outdoors experience. he shouldnt forget me.

finally meet jairus who looks like diego loyzaga. after i gave him a massage and sleeping right in my arms, he reminds me of arturo.

11/28

-loneliness keeps on ringing my head since chai's reading and had a very VERY bad bout of it and i searched for a film about loneliness:

Robert Eggers' The lighthouse

watched it and whoa.. it totally blows me in every drop of kerosene. it is mad. 

-am i going mad?

-never sleep well.. im so bothered and so bored. i never felt so unhealthy before

11/27

-2 days, 2 weeks or 2 years its been gone since i felt so isolated? i lost track of everything

11/26

-ang sarap nya putah

alam mo yung mapapasigaw ka sa sarap. hunky body of a atenean and utak UPian.. na suck ko at kinantot ako while i came. goshhh that was so good.

11/25

-spent my Thanksgiving holiday with chai

-i cant erase how chai cried over my cards. as if she reads my script, the actual script of my days or even years. and if i have a heart of chai's it will really tear her apart.

but me as a liyo just sneered but looking at her it is like looking at myself poured with the pure acid of what loneliness and bitterness is.

11/24

-attended avyana's first bday straight from duty.. saw mama and papa and my siblings ang my pamangkins. didnt stay long as i got stressed as they intended a big party and they just started preparing. one time i said to my sister in law that our tradition are much simple and we dont celebrate this much. my mother usually let us go to sto. nino and have one ballon. so having this raucous is way too much for me.

11/23

-did not make it to become an sme. as i expected but i admit it kinda sting.

self help and self compassion once again, read: 

https://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/overcome-rejection-accomplish-goals-deal-with-no-be-more-successful.html

11/22

-had a vivid dream of saeed having sex with someone smaller than me and im there to watch them.. saeed was so huge as if he is 10x bigger than the other guy as just like those computer generated porn. i woke up horny and masturbates with the idea of it.

-i guess my obsession with sex doubled compared before was due to the fact i have no other way of outlet. no travel, no art exhibit, no film festival, no classes. pandemic needs to end

11/21

-i guess sex is really my ultimate distraction. thats why i will always love being fucked. but again and again, something inside of me telling that the only way i. can fully stop this addiction is being romantically me linked to someone but im torn with me not being attached. i dont know. it is what it is now.. i will simply enjoy what is presented to me now rather than wanting that is not there. so fuck it all.

-listen to makinig ka.muna podcast and love ebe dancils advice. 

- i tried watching 2021 cannes film winner titane but i cannot bear it.. i stop it when shes about smashe her face.

-i need sleep. im so worked out

11/19-20

so busy and was so pre occupied with my hosting stint for our quarterly townhall. its my 4th in a row making this as my 1 year hosting in our company's virtual gathering.

-i was so bad ass in cruising and curse those guys who are disturbing me and my playmate.. first time i said "ptang *na nyo, hanap kau ka play".

-i also become so verbal with my playmate me saying gagu sarap mo kumantot.. 

-saw this artistahin in trinoma cinema and even saw him sa cr.. reminds me of a gwapo guy i also encountered before who i end up sucking and being fucked.. if only i didnt have a long day and tired i could have tried my luck. 

-i guess i should dedicate a comple different journal for sex since almost entirely what i write is just about my high libido

11/18

-had 3 encounters the ultimate is seeing ice.luzon again after months of months of not seeing again. he looks much hotter and gwapo tonight. we went to the spot where we had our first encounter. it was wild. to the extend we were totally nnaked except with our footwear under the trees. in the dark with dim moonlight. i came with such strong magnitude

-reunite with EJ and Carri

-got the hype of the upcoming town hall meeting as i will be co hosting the event again for 3 LOBs. it will be my 4th in a row

11/17

-the kush that russ let me try was too intense.. and when i get home i pass by University ave and for some reason im back in the mood for cruising again.. i got fucked by my fubu and then theres was this hunky guy that i really like, the one with the dog.. i met him again at the fine arts gate and gosh i was able to savour his masculinity from his balls to his armpits and to his pre cum.. and he fucked me so frakin hard.. like he shook all the sadness in me.. i guess sex is my ultimate therapy. imagine he is only around 25, at the pinnacle of youth.. while me im at 36, at the pinnacle of being a cougar.. i felt being a lucky cunt/bitch again. i guess im getting back to normal... this is me being normal. horny and not sad.. horny and powerful.. and try not being attached. being attached is putting someone on a pedestal.. and its not meant for me.. 

11/16

-my emergency leave was approved and able to watched the last series of Bjork Orkestral streaming with Russ.

we had kush and vodka tonic.. it was intense.. we also have wonderful dinner.. snacks and movie time:

sjorn's "lamb"

***

salamat ulit mpareh.. medyo bitter sweet sya sakin kasi ngayon lang nag sink in na mag one month tayo nag restropective sa ating ginoa.. at ngayon natapos na.. pero ang ganda sobra.. nagnavigate ulit tayo sa pinaka shiniest spark at mag wawaxing ulit tayo..

"maghimaya ka, mama.."

***

11/15

-later on my reading about budhism they dont really into mariage, in fact they could consider attachment as the base for suffering.. 

-hmmm im aware im in a transition of fully embracing budhism but do i allow myself.to simply float in the ocean of suffering and try to be apathetic.. or drown myself in suffering but in the end swim towards the surface and have a viselceral scream how beautiful pain can be. im in a crossroads.

-i missed to attend papa's bday.. i dunno.. im just so messed up and lifeless.. i might end up like the family disaster i had last feb 14 as i was so bitter to the extend i became so grumpy 

- sad.. really sad.. im so affected with unggoy.. more intense than francis.up as what i expected.. sad as it only lasted less than two months.. of which i felt i was into him for a long time. im back to zero again and again and again.. so i listened to some of these podcast for some self help:

ex-philes ep 61 Broken Picker

ep 39 Getting over a crush

makinig ka muna: when you get dumped in front of your friends.

listening to somebody elses dillema makes me feel im not dealing like this alone. and some of them are even.much worse and intense..

 

11/14

-here we go again. foolish and shaky..love lost and felt jealous. when do i learn? or when could i stop myself frm being hurt! saw unggoy earlier at the riverbanks. 

he didnt return my msges in telegram for two days. then now i saw him there. he told me he went with his friends for a drink and have someone gave him a blowjob. wow.. then why still he come for me? why cant he just simply say im not into you or im not ready? paasa effect. he blew it. its like francis monfort one more time. i felt stupid and angry at the same time. im furious. he is not that tall and he is getting fat anyway.. i blocked him. but how could i forget him. i felt i am 26 again.i fet emotionaly immature. as if i wasted 1 decade of "being single" management of being attached with someone who doesnt really like me that much?

i have this really strong feeling that i have to anchor myself in breathing. thic nhat hanh remind me that this is a storm i have to prepare and just like a tree in a storm i have to hold on to my roots and focus there. doing deep breathing. stomach rising and falling. i am more than my emotion. i have gone through this so i should be able to pass through this

i cried so hard while watching this:

https://youtu.be/dJX8WkKbPf8

relieved and now will practice the art of suffering.

11/10-12

-im at peace and just listened to this podcast

https://cms.megaphone.fm/channel/howto?selected=ATL4663485505

im starting to have an open mind and favors in paliative care than curing of the illness itself.

-im less horny nowadays.. i hope this is not a sign of old age.. lols

. aside from i just want to sleep all day i have more encounter with friends and even reaching out to my colleagues in the office.

11/09

-im less troubled compared the past few days and im not able to visit this journal too often. 

-misery loves company and this journal is been with me

11/08

-im in the sme roster

-im kinda afraid i might make it to become an sme. its a promotion that i dont want and i might not able to handle.

11/07

-sunday.. im suppose to go out but the lazy ass in me just stayed home and have cozy moment in my room

-re watched the hours

it drowns me back to my old courageous self. it welled so much tears and havent cried so hard for a long time.

11/06

-met lance again at sm sta mesa, and i felt lucky having dinner date with him. for me he looks like jak roberto.. so for a time i felt im barbie forteza 😅

-i thought it was just a romantic get together but he initiated a sexual rendezvous and went to the hotel nearby. supposedly im just giving him a massage and have some rest but he grabbed my member and we end up having a steamy sex. he is so sexy and his armpits are so hot. amazingly, i became the top and came inside him. it was 2018 the last time i was top so this is remarkable and unexpected of me as a versa bottom.

-went to russ and lem's place at nakpil and had videoke later their common friend, joshua joined us. it was a crazy fun time.

11/05

-done with 2nd dose, i hope this already a major breakthrough and 

11/04

-jim jones is still bothering me and now desensitized it with this article:

https://www.dallasnews.com/arts-entertainment/books/2017/03/31/a-texas-author-travels-to-jonestown-s-heart-of-darkness-for-his-new-book/

-i guess i am now in a process of abandoning my old ways as i cannot keep this lifestyle of party sex and drugs again and again. although i may able to do it on my own but by having a partner will make it more bearable. for some reason, i am now starting to fervently pray for someone just like rachel ann go prayed for her future, now husband.

-for some random reasons, i am thinking of unggoy as my ideal or "chosen" husband. i think ideal is not the right word because theres so much wrongs than rights with him. but he is the one that came along.. thing is i am not sure if he is really into me. i hope this time or time will come, the feeling between us becomes mutual.

11/03

-it appears that last all soul's day. or araw ng kamatayan. i am among the dead. i felt i died during my long weekend. i felt i am abandoned.. also in a process abandoning my old self.

-im kindof angry why i dont have any real and intimate connection ever since i had my last bad breakup, and why the people i chose to love doesn't want to be with me... atm, understanding is the ultimate form of loving.

-had my 2nd assessment for an sme internship.. i dunno if this is a good decision as i am against it at first.. but it kinda feels right 😅

11/02

-done with my Halloween movie/flick marathon:

*miss saigon

*burari deaths

*us

*strange things about the johnsons

*jonestown mass suicide

the bbc jonestown mass suicide is really disturbing to the extend i have to watch a disinfecting rationale kind of video. it is true that there is so.much fear if you fail to understand. here' what i watched:

https://youtu.be/6NWIfiV1_XQ

for the all the videos they all seems have

 interconnections: 11, 11:11, fireplace rod/poker suicide

-deleted all group chat in telegram. daddy neil's group thay only tackle about drugs and sex sex and everyday sex

-it might be just a phase but im reserving more of my sakral energy but i wouldnt be a hyprocite if i dont want sex anymore, its just that it is less than before.

-unggoy not able to make it to our date

-even lance the one i met in sta. mesa

-i felt im dead in my 5 day weekend.

11/01

-ive never had this sensation for long time, time sensation of certain crisp coldness. as if im back vacationing in baguio or in taiwan, that certain chilly fresh breeze crawl inside ur window even if its noon time.

-watched the 25th anniversary miss saigon movie and was in tears with the performance

-lss: sunlight and i moon

-had insomnia and got disturbed with the burari incident. im quite horrified specially with the writings and also how the water will change its color once "daddy" has arrived.