-simply drift along the current of nothingness
29/11
-Long talk with Maxie bella as i share with her our moment in national museum in manila with the spolarium as i have the picture side by side with Guernica. My then and now entry.
-i have this dance as if no one is watching moment in Cerillo with this track:
Inhale the chilly wind and bask in the autumnal sunshine. With the hazy vibe of the Spanish savanna.
28/11
-went for an interview at an international school (TEMS). It's a way for me to also push myself since I've felt lethargic lately. They have a very beautiful campus. The interview was like a talk and i found myself talking in a pleasurable way and at the same time, at a performance level. That adrenaline rush pumping and all that.
-Sadly, i don't have the right paperwork to start immediately. And i was not given an assurance if i will be rostered for a future post. I don't want to keep my hopes high but it was good practice. I miss having interviews, it kinda summarizes your life work and your credentials. Also i realized how i scream for stability, for a long term here in spain. I hope the universe will hear it and grant it to me in due course.
-went to reina Sofía and got kilig from one kilig to another. I'm seeing the surreal masters that i studied, from one artist to another. Miro, Dali, Picasso. And i was able to see the guarnica in full force. It's as massive and as intense as the spolarium of juan luna.
-then meet Paula we went to medialab matadoro, near Legazpi station. To watch the rare future expo. I am blown away with the series of presentations. Especially with the AI flop and how it slimmed into hype. Also the alice guo metaverse. I wish gabriel was there, he could have enjoyed it.
-we end up having some drinks in el tigre and watch the seasoned lights in sol.
27/11
-taking it slowly. Went to the park, laguna el Carrizal and simply basked in the autumn leaves.
-my landlady and i had a wonderful quick talk, she still can't believe i am in my 40s.
-message Gabriel. I wish my place was free but my landlady is here. I miss him.
26/11
-scheduled for blood work so i have to fast. Brave the early morning coldness with an empty stomach
-went to Hospital General Universitario Gregorio Marañón and have my general check up and able to get my meds. I'm so thankful to the staff. I felt i got my faith back in humanity.
-walk around el retiro and lavapies, with low energy i cannot fully appreciate it and simply immerse myself with the autumn foliage.
25/11
-surrendered to the freezing cold.
-just do nothing. And submit to the ongoing theme: turning off survival mode and simply thrive
24/11
-went to the Madrid center and met Ana who helped me with my meds.
Told Russ how thankful i am that somehow I'm hopeful with the situation.
-parque retiro in damp autumn feels so depressingly beautiful.
-It's nice to have a wonderful walk
23/11
-just do nothing and succumb to the coldness. I felt paralyzed under my sheets. But my mind is so clear. So i just reminisce about the years gone by. Emberring.
-called mamu and maxie bella. And somehow i felt better.
22/11
-went for a walk in Cerillo on a freezing autumnal cold and watched the sky bleed. I cannot feel my hands as both of them were like ice.
the sadness i felt from yesterday is still with me as i reminisce about all the instances i get broken heart. I felt overwhelmed with pain and i cried myself in the middle of a darkening field.
21/11
-had my first murakami book club online
-listen to South of the border west of the sun the entire day and able to finish it in one sitting. Something I've never done for a long time. My first was when i was in high school with harry potter. As i finished the book, i felt a really deep sadness.
20/11
-went to the madrid center again after hibernating in Collado Villalba, i feel this thrill once again.
-i got apprehended by the police just by staying in a dark alleyway near gran via and chueca, i suppose its a meet up for chemsex goer as gay men are the police target. An officer almost searched for my bag and saw my meds and injection. I thought I would be sent to the station for more explanation but after i told them i have a cita in a nearby clinic, they just let me go. I felt worried.
-meet joana paola and we went to el tigre bar and caught up over wine and tapas. It was a great night as we talked about our "jinxed" love life potentials so we better not divulge so much from now on. Lols
18-19/11
-im having these dreams of my past routine, of going to the bar and corporate jobs. i felt light hearted when I woke up. It feels distant yet it's still within me. It's strange because i already decided to finally leave that lifestyle when i get here in Europe but those things were my comfort for almost 2 decades. Or maybe i felt lighthearted because I'm totally free from it.
17/11
-woke up at 2am with so much worry. I guess all these sufferings are now taking their toll on me. Had this guided meditation for acceptance and letting go:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/07tWcTDvLlsbOkgVF4qxNa?si=QDXRKkMaQ120RFlk2n5VAQ
-Finally have good responses from my mass message for clinic appointments. I felt relieved.
-meet Gabriel for the 2nd time, and the sex was amazing. Was able to cum tremendously this time. Gave him a good massage to practice my "body work" skill and we were able to talk a little bit about each other. It is a good moment.
16/11
For blog entry:
-listen to audiobooks of murakami's wind-up bird chronicle. I realized i didn't remember the details of the entirety of it, aside from it being too long (two volumes) i might not have the readership maturity when i first read it. I would agree that murakami's characters are weird and absurd. I only made out of sense on it when i get it alongside the absurdity of my own life experiences. The surreality of unreal and reality.
-worried about my arv medication and sent mass email to all possible clinics as my private insurance doesn't cover it.
-continue with my job applications as backup for next year.
-there is so much noise in my head and in my heart. Uncertainties, fear and loneliness. Called maxie bella.
15/11
-papa's 75th bday. i know that he is still grieving with the passing of auntie Myrna, but i pray to God to give him strength to carry on. Sending him love.
-watched marvin samaco's india trip series
-Rewatched Elite series and realized im living in the area where it was mostly shot here in Collado Villalba
14/11
-talked with Vera and released all my frustrations about my residency here in Spain under a student visa instead of a working permit that i felt limited and my finances is just enough to scrape me by. Also the loneliness i felt. Cried as i release these bitter tears in my eyes.
-Friday night and i am penniless. Plus the weather was dampy and cold. Grabbed my wine and cheese in the fridge and played bjork Volta live in Paris and party inside my room. I felt euphoric.
13/11
-It dawns on me that I'm always tired because my mind always feels unsafe. Away from home, away from my family and friends, my community.
Listening to the audiobook: murakami's "the wind-up bird chronicle" as i read it years ago and wanted to relive the memory of it. I felt i can relate to lieutenant mamiya. At times, especially this time of colder and lonely months, I felt living abroad is like being in a war. Away, desolate and miserably lonely.
12/11
-got the news that my aunt myrna passed away today. I hope Papa, as next to kin, would have several years before his turn. I want to see him live in his 80's or beyond. As long as I'm able to see him live a comfortable life (ideally once i got my resort business) once again before he passes away.
11/11
-today, I'm totally moneyless. Simply did nothing fancy. Just nothing
-met Dario, the sexy Syrian, once again but i felt nothing
-wished for something like someone i feel safe and feel at home with, and abundance, but in the end i simply wish for contentment.
10/11
-Finally had someone who can really fuck me well and have a huge dick. He also speaks English so we're able to communicate well. He asked for my WhatsApp after our sex so let's see how this goes. His name is Gabriel just from here in Collado Villalba.
08-09/11
-wala koy undang sa pagtan-aw sa akong feeds sa fb for the damages brought by typhoon Tino in Cebu, pero sakit kaayo . So i have to protect my heart as well and all i could do is send my prayers for those who were affected specially mga previous officemates and friends nako didto.
-im also dealing with flooding to loneliness. Especially with the cold weather. I felt im numb.
-had a long walk towards iglesia de naval quijigo and saw the ruins. Maybe that's why I love abandoned houses and ruins because i resonate with them.
07/11
-i am filled with quiet joys recently. I just rewatched The Secret World of Arrietty and again drowned with the beauty of studio ghibli and the bittersweet feeling of transient love.
-can't get over with the med intern and Dario as i had a moment with them after classes.
06/11
- i woke up just past midnight, had a hard time going back to sleep, and I blogged:
https://hotmug.blogspot.com/2025/11/only-yesterday-did-i-learn-his-name.html
-the moon is still so bright from the full moon last night. Went for a night walk even how chilly it is. Walk with my headphones on and finish the 46hr long (3 volume) 1Q84. I was beyond ecstatic with the ending and was even reliving the out of this world dream like trance with the novel. Specifically how i traverse the underground passageway from the collado Villalba Highway where i first came here. I hope, with the view of the moon, i have now overcome the harsh realities of the past and come into a new world.
-It's one of those best moon nights, especially since I am in line on what i am hearing (audiobook) that somehow reflects on what i am experiencing. This exchanging phrase hit me hard:
"You said you're going far away," Tamaru said. "How far away are we talking about?"
"It's a distance that can't be measured."
"Like the distance that separates one person's heart from another's.
- 1Q84
05/11
-so manilva.guy has a name. Before i only knew his initials: ESL.
Then just now, his profile came across my facebook account after I synced my contacts.
And his real name is Eloy Sanz Luque. As I got into his account, i went through a whirlpool of images, so I wandered in wonder. And i stop myself before i get myself back to the quagmire. We are having this rainy autumn, a seasonal shift to the harsh cold of the upcoming winter. My heart simply shudders in the coldness of loss.
Quick mantra:
"What returns does so for understanding, not possession.
I meet the past with clarity, the present with calm, and the future with choice.”
03-04/11
-rewatched studio ghibli's Red Turtle and i felt I'm on an island right now here in Collado Villalba. All i have to do is give up the idea of fighting my compulsions and give in what this quiet place can bring.
-felt worried about my family in Cebu as they had a very destructive typhoon
-typhoons in the Philippines is like tossing a marble on a board game of (un)fortune, it can landfall on Luzon, visayas or in mindanao.. hmm it can be satirical interactive art form
-having this as a gentle reminder from st. Francis de Assisi on what it is to be strong:
https://www.facebook.com/share/r/17g8sdiUDn/
02/11
-was depressed. Sad and lonely from yesterday's blow (jose Luis ).
I knew it the moment i woke up. Instead of lingering on the feeling, i have to get up and do my grocery.
-call Mamu and my family in the Philippines and Max who is now in Biri island with Shawie. So somehow it made me laugh and simply enjoy the sunny side of life.
-tried to jog to ease the suffering and get comfort from the autumn leaves and the impermanence of this season.
01/11
-woke up with a dream. Chai welcomed me and Russ in the Philippines and we eat karenderia food and they are so affordable and we have this sense of so much plenty
-have this guided meditation the moment I woke up:
https://youtu.be/rfytDN9bYj8?si=_UBBePk7G3hzl5Zu
-jose Luis didn't make it for our date, family duties). So i went shopping in the carrefour hypermarket. The found 50eur went to buy a rice cooker that i have to replace from my landlady. So instead of going for a Halloween party, i found myself walking in the freezing cold and try not to spend because my money is already budgeted.
-this is the most boring Halloween weekend for me. I muse myself with having a peak on Russ in syquía with friends yesterday and also revisiting my old pictures.
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