31/12
-saw the last sunset at flateby bruk.
Had my traditional moment with bjork's harm of will
-had dinner, had a toast for 2026, and witnessed the first batch of snowflakes
30/12
-spend walking around Gothenburg and going swimming.
-went to the sauna and saw these beautiful Scandinavian male forms, one stand in front of me with his full masculinity, seeing his perfect calves, smooth, huge tamed handsome penis and good statue like posture makes me believe that he is a descendant of Baldr, the most attractive Scandinavian god
-had our year end virtual get together with diwatitas and diwatitos
29/12
-had a wonderful slow breakfast in heden hotel
Today is one of those days that never ends. Funny how it’s Monday, and I fully embrace it.
-walk around Gothenburg with Vera and her family
-i love Haga, it reminds me of a xmas neighbourhood in an illustration book.
-Met the Swedish guy for the 2nd time. He even invited me to his house where he shared a photo of his cozy bedroom. We really had a connection and shared some sweet warm tenderness in my hotel room. He also mentioned that if only i stay longer in Sweden he could have took me for a date. It's my first time to have this kind of treatment (generosity) here in Europe - far from the Spanish or Latinos.
-all of a sudden i miss Gabriel. Maybe because his profile popped up in my insta.
28/12
-cut off the last remaining part of my dead toe nail, which corresponds with the death i felt when i got brokenhearted by manilvaguy last april (see april 2025 entry)
-vera and thomas surprise me with a road trip to Sweden! We are heading to Gothenburg
-met a swedish guy locally from here, in Gothenburg and had a great sex.
I also met this aryan looking guy who looks like the prince in Aladdin. Finally my dry spell kinda ended. I felt not so tight and grumpy anymore.
27/12
-talk with russ and vera
3 lowlights and highlights
High school memories
Explaining vera that chai is one of the pillars and that she will always be present and entangled in our stories
26/12
-felt really sick but i manage to walk to the farm. And have a sunny morning in the frosty season in Norway.
-reminisce while scrolling through my posts from January until now. It is true that I've been through a lot and bed rotting is to simply honour that rest.
24-25/12
-spend xmas with Vera and her family. Thomas, william, Alicia, blanche, kristin and lolo Gayrn.
22-23/12
-simply doze off and drift off. I let my mind fly.
-had my experience of the sauna and went into the chilling cold outside
-i realised all the constant anxiety and traumas i had recently made me curl back into my shell. More than being socially anxious, I know there is something wrong with me. Just staying on the rooftop cabin and staring blankly outside calm me down. Now I feel much better.
-ruben found me on telegram. Informed him that i changed my number and let him know that knowing him is one of the highlights i have this year.
21/12
-it's been more than a month since my last sex. My last was with Gabriel. I'm surprised i could handle this long abstinence.
20/12
-blanche birthday
-bond with Vera and her family
-harutan with William and Alicia, simply hearing their laughter makes me laugh
19/12
-after a series of anxiety for travelling with an expired TIE, i finally made it to Oslo. My passport wasn't even checked in my transit in Copenhagen.
18/12
-skip class today. I just felt lazy and tired. Don't wanna work much since i already did rehearsals with my class and i felt I'm no use for the show on Friday (my off) that i'm not being around anyway. I just allow myself to be softened, have some peace and try to feel joy in this dark and cold winter.
16-17/12
-"festivity feels" hanging in the air. Done musical rehearsal with my class "los besos, a mi mama, los besos a mi papa"
14-15/12
-slow down. Just taking things easy.
-my recent anxiety attacks are now being lessened.
-able to reflect and find meaning in the experiences I've been through.
-after decades of extremely active sex life, haven't had any hook ups for a long time and simply get comfort in wholesome and meaningful connections.
-Messaged Gabriel about me taking medication after he mentioned he got positive with Chlamydia. For some reason i didn't take it badly and just get on with it.
-watched Jennifer Lawrence ' "die, my love". This movie makes me feel better being alone with seasonal affairs rather than having unmet satisfaction with a long term partner.
13/12
-had a great talk with Russ and talk about budoy's passing. Now we reflect on the idea of death and how ethereal our life here on earth.. i also insert how chai reminds us how we envision our deaths (we have this internal joke of the versions of how we are going to die), and we thought we wanted to live until 50 (after Raymund, ms B's deceased partner, committed suicide).
Now, realising there is so much to live for, we laughed with the naivety of our youth. And that laughter makes us want to live longer.
-It's one of those moments when you don't have to watch a drama movie for you to cry. This absolutely breaks my heart.
11-12/12
-sent a lot of applications, come what may. Remind myself that this life is not a problem to solve but a journey to experience
-went to my doctor for my regular check up, her name is dra. Cristina and she's really nice and cool. it feels like I'm going back on track to take care of my health.
-went to the Madrid centre with Joana Paola and we had our first buffet and it feels like I'm financially capable after 1 year here in Spain.
-we also went to debod and enjoyed the xmas town. We went for a long walk and just talked about our heart breaks and all that stuff. I joke with her about her famous line: a hill to die on
09-10/12
-Can't help but get envious about my friends who were also abroad and able to do the things they want while they are in the comfort of their husband's support. I wish I had their luck, but it seems that I'm the only one who can save myself
-i have this realisation that my path here in the EU is never easy and i don't have anyone to lean on to. Called max about it. It's just gnawing in me and i can't help but to exclaim it.
-spent my entire day and nights sending applications around the EU, Japan and the US for possible teaching post as my contract from the ministry of education in Spain will finish next year.
08/12
-woke up with so much energy and had this jolt of applying for online jobs, but it feels counterproductive as winter really means i simply have to hibernate. Simply jut down notes which i could use for the next summer camp in Italy since Mommey G already booked me for next year.
07/12
-just threading along the silence. No exciting events, no friends to be with. No hook ups, no flirting, no giddy romance. An internal retreat.
-finally its a sunny day. had a wonderful walk.
-watch Japan's queer positive series: the boyfriend
-had this guided meditation for my anticipatory anxiety:
05-06/12
-having this usual high on watching stranger things. Can't wait for the season 5 finale this coming new years eve
-my fb feed is flooded with budoy's sudden passing. Chai also messaged and we kid ourselves with our past "youth naivety" on reaching only at our 30s (as we have this Fernando syndrome, ms. B's partner who guns himself at the age of 50)
-having this anticipatory anxiety about the future since my program with the education ministry is about to end next year. My mind keeps on running around: job search, visa renewal, even my upcoming trip to Norway since my TIE card is under renewal. I'm restless and anxious all the time.
-quite myself with yoga and guided meditation
-found myself staring blankly at the leafless tree at my window, blurred by damp sleet.
03-04/11
-done some decoration for xmas, bonding time with Maren, my American co-aux
-went to the Madrid center and hung out with joana paola. Able to witness Matisse' master pieces for the first time. Also Tried san gines for the first time and adored the xmas lights around sol. And as usual we went to our favourite pub: el tigre
-walked home cozy(ied) with the warmth of my trench coat and basked in the full moon.
02/12
-still can't get over the feeling that i don't have any payables to my kuya carlo from my loan getting here in Europe. Able to pay it in one year. Gosh. Oh well, my ROI is more than enough. So I'm beyond grateful.
01/12
-got a message from gibraltar.guy that he is currently in my hometown in bantayan. I'm glad he is loving it. If only I was with him, i could have spent it in his arms.
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