ug karon,

unsa naman sad imong sugilanon
sa imong pagka incognito
sa imong pagkawala
sa imong pagkahisaag
kung diin diin
nga eskinita
nga hagdanan
sa babaye nga nisaka
nga nagsyagit
nya'
iyang mata naa sa iyang baba
nga naglaway
ug kalamay
nga nagpabukal
sa puwa kong kwarto
diin ako naghigda
nga gisap-ungan
ang akong mata
sa puwa mo nga panyo
diin ginlabayan ug gatosang espada
ug ikaw nisulod
sa usa ka kwarto
diin naay
tulo ka mga higanting insekto
tulo ka mga lampinig
nga naghimo sa ilang balay
gikan sa ilang mga laway
ug imo kong gipriso
dungan sa ilang itlog
ug ako nahimong ulod
nga nahimong kabakaba
nga nahimong langgam
ug nahimong maya
ug nahimong balangaw
sa panganod, nag paanod
sa banka nga akong gimbugsay
sa kalimot
ako nag mugot

tonight,

the need to be sedated

three lost souls find themselves walking along deserted streets of capitol area blabbering about the gravity of the moon against our subconscious clamour for sedation.

cigarettes, ice cream and a sweating coke float are just temporary remedy for this post midnight restlessness.

we thought that it would be great to ride a kalesa driven by a well trimmed shrub horse and bring us to the house next to a lawyer's residence for a missing father. we found a green gate with a white painted signage: it looks to be number 09.

walk, walk, walking, cussing and cursing. each of us have clouds of question marks in our heads.

can't figure out the semantics behind waiting and waiting for something that we desperately want to happen now.

so we end up eating balut, two rounds of it. as we ask the vendor how old is he when he got married, he answers 27.

more smoke, more ice, less beer. loud music.
some hookers pumping on the ledge
the dj was at the edge
beat pumping, people pushing

we're tired. let's get out of this hell.

5:00 amruss is for sure asleep now. while vera and i just had our coffee with her mom and then the two of us headed to the beach and happen to caught a baby squid.

red devil, rose

I call it: sighing with burning flowers

nangahiwa, nangabunkag, nagkahiusa

nahikatulog intawn:
naghukas, basa sa kaugalingong lana
nahikatulog intawn:
human sa paglupad
didto sa kagabhion
diin ang biga, nagpunpun sa usa ka dagum
diin gi lambigitan sa uban pang wakwak
ug uban pang taong mananap
nga gi-uhaw sa katuyoang lawasnon
nangahiwa,
nangabungkag,
nagkahiusa.

lami nga sakit nga lami
nga lami, lami, lami!
usa ka saulog sa mga matang
nga guinadili

nahikatulog intawn,
gahagok samtang ang tinai ug itlog
nagsamsam sa otin nga gautog

brinde al verano

at summer sunscreen party 2009
bantayan island
photo courtesy of Bryan

how could I simply grasp the song of summer?

is it too pure?
sighing with the bleached pebbles by the shore

is it too meek?
like the silent scream of the unicorns under the heat

too light
too bright
too grand

blazing sky
placid moon
dancing barefoot on sugary sand

is it as pungent as
the blossoming of mango trees?

buzzing busy bees on glowing flowers,
marveling its saccharine taste

a kiss that erases the sadness,
sitting by the corner of your lips

have it
pour it
sprinkle it

tingling,
as the sun kissing my skin

the moan, while exploring
the sinuous concaves of your pits

hear it
feel it
lavish it

spreading the burning sensation from your hands,
the sacred feel of your embrace

when you thrust yourself
into the deep core of my secrets
piercing my darkness

lifting my arms with closed eyes,
a complete surrender

ang nahisaag kong kalag

dili na
dila na gyud
dili na ko katulog
dili na
dili na mapalong ang akong lawas
nga padung naman unta mo shutdown
apan ang akong kalag diin diin nahisaag
diin diin nilaag
dili na mopauli
dili na mobalik
dili na mosalop
sa pangpang sa akong paghinanok
dili na makig-hiusa sa akong
ginhawa sa akong
pagsalom sa lapok sa akong mga damgo
nga diin gikamang sa akong mga tudlo
dungan sa akong pagpanghuyab
dungan sa pagtugpa sa anunugba
nga nangasunog ang paku
human nakigsayaw sa lamparilya
hain na
hain na
hain nahimutang ang akong kalag
nga gintawag
sa usa sad ka kalag nga nahisaag

learning the art of surrender

when nature wont conspire with your plans,
when swimming against the current could burst your lungs,
and when nothing works no matter how hard you try and try and try---
and yes, until you'll eventually die,


it's time to raise my arms and completely surrender...

magnolia (aimee mann: wise up)

for russ, vera, chai and yen:

let us hold on to each other;

no matter how crazy, lovely, pathetic, awesome, ecstatic, shitty, marvelous, neurotic, stupid, brilliant, sweet, bitter and wonderful our lives are.

rest assured my arms are always wide open and hopefully i could snuggle on yours too.

i love you guys =)


p.s.

walay magpakamatay until 30 please..

at 23

* aside from physical dysfunctions, i was also diagnosed with mental and emotional disorders.

* i've experienced being terminated for the first time =) hell yeah
cause i deserve it.

* currently having an almost three year
relationship, my longest ever

* learn to love smoking

* starting to learn spanish, habla usted spañol?

* been associated with 4 companies within this age,
imagine intermingling with four set of different
colleagues for a couple of months. saying hi then
goodbye

* been to places i never knew existed

* first time to have an online hearthrob and
heartache at the same time

* i've been scolded in a local newspaper for
accidentally using somebody else's props during a
performance art (although it was purely an act of
spontaneity and a performance dedicated for him but
well, shit happens) no matter what, i wont let that stop me from doing art.

* regardless of the issue above, i'm still doing performance art and literary pieces. my cebuano poems are now getting published (such a late bloomer for me, i know) and even do poetry reading during my lunch breaks.

* i almost die from a sea trip

* i still haven't dyed my hair, had body pierce or
had any tatoo yet

* i still haven't killed someone yet.

* i'm in the middle of processing a passport

* and apparently, still creating mess out of myself, still learning to make things undone and start all over again.

* got few days remaining before i end my 23rd year of existence--- and i'm still growing up..

sail on, russ

Russ Ligt
March 18, 1985 - April 1, 2009

you told me your time will be until on your 27th but you did it sooner than i expected.
Good riddance to you russ,
sail on to your red home in space.
All we have of you now
is our memories.
But it will be some time
before they fade.

gikapoy pa ko,

mo undang sa' kog kambras sa imong dagway
kay mao ra man gihapon,
dili ka mapanas
sa akong alimpatakan
usa ka patik sa akong panit,
lagum, nagngulngul sa kasakit

gikapoy pa ko,
ako' sa ning ilabay akong pala
moundang sa ko'g kawot aning yutaa
diin ilubong ang atong miagi
nga kanunay buhi, ug bout mubangon

gikapoy pa ko,
ayaw sa ko padagana
kay dili man gyud tika madakpan
dili mapasakitan, dili makalimtan, dili mabawsan

ngisi,

pakit-a ko sa imong kandiis
pakataw-a ang imong mga mata
ug, sa kadiyot ayg ginhawa
kana,
gusto ko anang angola
uno
dos
tres
hala,
kinsa mani?
naa may laing
nagpahipi diha sa imong kilid
naunsa mani siya?
daw kasukaon ug kakuyapon sa kaluspad
kaila ka ani?
dali tan-awa

"ambi daw
butangi! mura manig imong kaluha.."

let time stand still

the moment we first met---
the moment
when you and I
held back grains from running out
in the hourglass of eternity



(photo taken in Dumaguete)

to sobriety

yeah! yeah russ!


"Paranoid Android"
-radiohead

Please could you stop the noise, I'm trying to get some rest
From all the unborn chicken voices in my head
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but not an android)

When I am king, you will be first against the wall
With your opinion which is of no consequence at all
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but no android)
What's that...? (I may be paranoid, but no android)

Ambition makes you look pretty ugly
Kicking and squealing gucci little piggy
You don't remember
You don't remember
Why don't you remember my name?
Off with his head, man
Off with his head, man
Why don't you remember my name?
I guess he does....

Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me
From a great height
From a great height... height...
Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me
From a great height
From a great height... height...
Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me

TThat's it, sir
You're leaving
The crackle of pigskin
The dust and the screaming
The yuppies networking
The panic, the vomit
The panic, the vomit
God loves his children, God loves his children, yeah!

alright,

i got it now.
and darn---
why just now?
i no longer exist
can no longer be seen
ignored and forgotten
something that seemed relatively unimportant
a wisp of smoke
thinning towards a starless sky
i never thought i could be that inconspicuous
to you: a mere passerby
walking across a universal pavement
one hazy December night
oh, when was that really?
well, it wont matter
what's the point anyway
plain silence crashing over me
through a placid sad screen

ha!
a placid sad black screen
blackest black of a black ocean
where i used to swim with you
sending love notes to you
dream, breath and feel alive with you

but i think it's time to sail on now
sailing on to a much darker distance
much farther from where u step back

let the whisper of the wind tell
stories of a boy who once
became my prince

The Ting Things - Great DJ

darn!
i can't get enough of this video,

i'm hooked!

dagan

dagan, dagan
dagan, dagan
dagan, dagan
sa kalibunan
bahala mahisaag
bahala masamad
ayaw kabalaka
mahiplagan raka

dagan, dagan
dagan, dagan
hangtud maalimungawan
bahala gihapo
bahala gihutoy
basta kay padayug lihok
sayaw, sayaw, sayaw

hangtud masinati nimo
ang kalinaw sa imong dughan

unya?

nasayud naka'
nga sa kanunay
gilamoy ang aso
sa demonyo
sa imong spirito ug
sa huna-huna
padayon ang pag aligotgot
niniing bagtok
kung dugo
nga nibukal
sa kalagot sa imong
panagway
unya palihug,
tangtanga na nang imong mata
sa akong mga mata
kay wala naku malingaw
sa imoha

pauli,
pauli sa imong mama!

again,

i came to my own defeat
swallowing my own words
tasting the same bitterness that
i try to feed you
saying sorry
would take me down to my knees
it makes me twitch in agony like
kneeling on shards of glasses
or be sprayed with bullets
why would it be the case
why would it be the same scenario
again and again
to anybody, to anyone
to whom my heart belongs
wouldn't it be nice
for me not to think twice
to come up with the realization
that i would never be entitled
to my own chastity

Bjork Bachelorette Live @ Fashion Rocks

hail Bjork..
hail Alexander McQueen..

ako si maria elena

kanunay nag inusara
pipila na ang akong nabana
apan sila: tanan nanglarga
ninglarga didto sa kalibunan
ug ako gingkalimtan
taga hapon, sa dihang pagsalop sa adlaw
mosalum ko sa akong kamingaw
ang mga lumot sa kagahapon
mo pilit sa akong panit
ug ang katugnaw sa kasubo
mopakurog sa akong mga bukog
gusto ko mosidsid sa kinalawman
ug dili na motunga pa
gusto ko nga lamyon sa kangitngit
ning akong gibati

(...dili na ko gusto mo ginhawa)

apan ang mga hapon
ug pagsalop sa adlaw
daw walay kahumanan
sige rag balik-balik
balik-balik
balik-balik balik-balik
balik-balik

lighter

bai'
padagkuta ko bai'
pahuwama ko sa imong lighter
ug sigrabe ko sa imong kagwapo
mala adonis mong mga mata
ug porcelana mong ngipon
pasigaha akong ngitngit na kwarto
diin nahikatulog ang akong galimaw nga kalag
gusto kong i-ginhawa ang aso sa
romansa nga ginhayhay sa kahanginan
ug dayon ibugwak ko ang katamis sa
akong kaibog kanimo
click
click
click
yati nah,
dili man diay ni musiga!

paaboton tika

magpaabot ko
bahala na
magpaabot ko
maski magkaunsa
sa makadiyot o sa kadugay
lima ka oras
lima ka buwan
lima ka tuig
ug pipila pa ka bunkig
dili gyud mahisaag
ang akong pangandoy
nga makahiusa
diha tapad kanimo

gaba

gigabaan man tingali ko

-gilumot kung tasa
-naupos nga sigarilyo
-ug ngilngig nga kamingaw
nga niulbo sa matag adlaw
ug gabii sukad sa pagbiya nimo

Let Me Borrow That Top

ei russ,

thanx for sharing this video =)

it hits me again

i thought im feeling ok now, trying to tell myself: "i'll be alright"

but the sinking feeling hits me again. like a big wave crumble a sand castle without warning. i had a perfect weekend. i went snorkeling as my new colleagues played poker in our 1st team outing. after that (even if i haven't slept for more than 24 hours) i was able to meet vera, did catch up with each other over coffee. we listened to The Beatles in her U2 edition iPod (darn thing, makasuya!) while waiting for russ and the three of us partied in a dominantly straight club. had booze, smoke and dance as if we are making an MTV video.

we proceeded to a videoke lounge. Russ have a thing for "The killers" but got frustrated since the song book didn't include any of their songs, instead half of it are catered for koreans. (uuuh? what the hell!) He later settled for alternative rock as vera and i went into rock and roll trance. Vera went for Britney while i sang the Quando, quando, quando. As we're about to pay our bill, the lady in the counter demanded for the song book, the remote control and their tetrahedron menu to be returned---in such authoritative voice. what? why can't their staff get it? we are busy said she, with her eyes rolling as a matter of fact. after our frustrations and experiencing a bad customer service, we went back to the room that we occupied and we make a mess out of everything we can put our hands on. the result: as if a storm passed by. I went out for a cig to calm my nerves down, laughing between puffs. let vera and russ manage to finish the counter strike with the lady (i can imagine russ screaming at her, "by the way betch, fuck you! fuck you! FUCK YOU!" just like kelly). Ei russ, im watching the videos now. makaboang =)

after post midnight dinner, the three of us end up at russ' place and watch The Revolutionary Road. i watched most of it bymyself since both of them are sleepy. I think that's the moment when it started. It flashes all my deep-seeded issues. I tried to brush it off. as the three of us parted. i'm preoccupied with the scenes my mind keep on flashing. i need to blurt it out. or else..

I think only russ whom i can talk to about it. but he can't be reached, he's phone is either dead or he turned it off on purpose. i don't know. i just know that i don't feel fine. i want to sleep it over thinking it might fade off. but it bothers me more. it started with a minute pang, then it grows and grow until i feel like bursting. i went out in the middle of the night trying to find peace of mind. with a book in hand i went to a coffee shop in asia town IT park. my old school remedy doesn't work anymore, instead i feel restless and much sadder. i went online to find somebody to relate to but only found horny shallow fags. there was this one whose decent enough to invite me to have dinner with him next weekend. but i want something now. i logged off from that site before we exchanged numbers. i ended up browsing to my fave porn sites. got horny and to wash my pent up gay lust, i jack off over malachi's video.

i admit, somehow it feels good. darn!

so here i am. nabuntagan intawn. It's monday morning

I'll try to feel better.

vera

x

s(a

br
ok
en
he
ar

t)
hat
t

ered



(e. e. cummings inspired)