09/2022

09/28-30

-glad to be back home. gosh! never felt missing my place this much. 

-planted the purple butterfly pea flower that i harvested from Bacolod. i hope this time it will grow and bloom flowers. as Rhoda's gift did not make it.

-just stayed home and fix my room. it feels like it was all dusty and covered with moss after my 2 weeks out of town.

09/27

-im about to leave Bacolod

msge the part croatian guy snd and he drop by at my place. we had a great sex. while he is still fucking me, i can see myself getting married to him. but it's just on this bed, marriage is definitely not on the table ahaha. i will miss his hugeness. 

-saw a very handsome potential bagets just along 12th street, on my way to hail a taxi going to the airport. ba't ganun? nang pauwi na ako don pa nagsisilabasan ang mga yummy.. ahaha

-able to make it at 76 anonas before 1pm and watch respeto.

-spent some time with chai at the nearby cafe. we had a great talk over tequila and palesen. i love how she told me about my statement that amongst us i am the "less ambitious" and she kind of shed a different light that my ambitions are not of a lesser value its just well, different.

-if only i dont have work that night. 

-im so tired, and still not in good mood after cutting our training short. was still being put on queue for 4 months now, so did silent quitting.

09/26

-while im spending tranquility here in Bacolod, manila is experiencing a major typhoon (karding).

-im still sore from my 2 hour worth of bliss from natura spa along lacson ave. beautiful space and wonderful service. i had this ultimate package of ventosa and heated banana leaf with coconut oils. just heavenly 

-finally tried cafe bobs at lacson, and the interior is really magical. ive ordered samplers of 3rep shot espresso, blueburry croissant, chocolate mousse and cappuccino, and it transported me to dimensions. the food is not really superb but i guess its really about my internal dynamics kicking in. the place is too crowded for a stormy monday night. so i just anchored myself to my spot and let the warmth of caffeine and the toxifying sweetness of my p@stries deluge me to complete elation

09/25

-its a sunday. headed to mambukal for the 3rd time. 1st was a fail. 2nd, explored the whole place with no one is around on a weekday. 3rd, need to experience the japanese ofuro.

able to get there so early that i have the ultimate hot pool to myself. able to experience it while its raining. its so magical.

it was raining hard, so all roving guards were not around, so i went to this "closed" trail going to the womb of a water falls. im wondering why its close, i was in the middle of this legit rain forest and found out by myself it is because there was a major landslide that blocks the trail leading to the waterfalls. tried not to give up easily since i traverse quite far already, i tried climbing the fallen tree and mounds of mud to get across the trail but it is too difficult and this level of risk will definitely costs my life (as one simple mistake of holding a flimsy branch i will slide myself to the cliff unto the rocky bottom of the river. so in resignation, i screamed on top my lungs to the universe. whining all my pain and frustration. in tears, i asked the universe to make me more understanding and giving to just simply give up and let the natural course of fate leads me to where i should be heading. its kind of a truce rather than a demand

.

-there's this cute guy lecturing his nephew. can't help noticing him. with him, im not so sure, is his sister? the mother of the child and the yaya.

-at this point, i am transported to a certain era again. having this anemoia when mariano saw this girl from macau. what does this maria braga posess that mariano fall for? what was her mannerisms, her facial expressions, her candor. how i wish i have that certain charisma right now, that makes this cute guy across my table simply stand up, goes towards my seat and join my table.

09/24

-went to cadiz, my father's ancestral homeland

-such perfect place to watch Bjork's premiered latest video: ancestress

-heading to lakawon island as part of my Bacolod extn.

-super had a marvelous time in lakawon island, although its quite pricey but as they said, every penny is worth it. saw this guy who is so cute, hot and adorable. but haggan sa tingin nalang talaga since he is with his folks and i guess he is straight but have tendency to be curious.

-was so dead tired and when i woke up, i got this msge from a guy locally from cadiz who is staying in the same hotel where i am staying. finally able to have sex from my genealogy of my family tree. retrieving, transferring and interchanging generational ties. such link and submersion to my heritage.

09/23

-finally, after 1 week stay here in Bacolod, im able to meet and have sex with someone. he is 6footer with 8" cock. he is part croatian. really had great sex with him and i had a tremendous explosion while he came inside me, twice. gosh that was a good sex. never had this for a long time.

09/22

-jog around the capitol lagoon

-fresh buko juice frm the coconut is only 20 pesos. done yoga flow right below the blossoming ylang2x tree and manyan tree.

-had a really restful sleep.

09/21

-i really need to wash off all the frustration i have with Bacolod, so i have to make it to mambukal. the place is not so huge but marvelous. wonderful spot to walk and dip in the pool underneath the trees with giant flying fox and sailing birds.

for some reason i felt recharged specially with the hot spring. first time to see a steaming and boiling spring.

the moment i dipped myself into the hot waters, it seems i got back to my mother's womb. so recharging and comforting. with it's healing powers, i felt relaxed and renewed.

-im suppose to be working in the office but called in sick to at least let me work remotely. im so glad my new boss is so chill and considerate.

09/20

-fuck!!!! my ticket got forfeited and i felt defeated. my boarding pass got denied and they found out im not my brother and my fake ID mismatched.

never in my life i felt so frustrated. i dunno why Bacolod is dealing me this way.. im so bored with this sleepy town. fine Bacolod, i dunno if you have something to show me. i will stay for another week.

09/19

-so finally i got the energy and motivation to wake up and simply hop on the bus and go to mambukal resort. had this thrill to have my head outside the window of a speeding bus and see fields of sugar cane. was so hyped and all smiles to get inside only to find out they are closed today, Monday for sanitation, what the heck?! Bacolod is giving me a lot of frustrations. i dunno. its not really for me. im so disheartened right now. mabuti nalang masarap breakfast ko. specially their rice, anywhere, is good quality. but still im so sad. it appears that the masskara is just really, simply, a facade. underneath its just myself, being sad.

-played raul sunico's piano version of matud nila on the loop going back to bacolod city

-went to the ruins and drowned with its splendor. got drunk with wine and there's this sessionista who is so cute, good song choices and have a great voice . he sang i hope you dont mind, someday, and fly me to the moon. gosh.. he reminds me of KF.. sigh 

-ran across dark field it was kind of dreamy as there no light and can simply outline the blade of sugar canes across star filled sky

-feeling that its my last day here in Bacolod, i bid farewell to my suki who grill the best chicken inasal first time for a long time i sincerely received "halong" from someone 

09/18

-for some weird reason, i felt depressed, unable to get myself from bed, maybe bec of what happened earlier

-drunk msged KF via viber of which he didnt reply, so i deleted it 

-so miserably drunk, i think i really should stop alcohol completely? to think i only had one bott of soju and 2 botts of palesen from 2 different bars. cista and mo2 ice.

no luck in finding cute guys. not my kind of crowd

so im missing manila.. weird.

-saw a guy who kind of watching me but he is kind of careful as it appears he is with his partner. oh well

im not a home wrecker so im leaving

-behind her eyes series still haunts me, such a wonderful series. kalowka

-suppose to meet a caucasian, he is in his early 20's so he with his parents, too bad his folks wont let him go out since their flight will be tomorrow morning

-im so fucked up and so lazy. my ideal sunday was spent inside my hotel room. good thing i flourished it with so many as in so many leaf cuttings and blue orchids so it feels like a cozy paradise for me for the 5 days stay i have here in Bacolod

-im itching to go to mambukal, the ruins, cafe bobs and have this turkish bath at majikspa but my body clock is still sleepy during the day and awake at night. fuck fuck fuck!

-found myself at the edge of the capitol lagoon, where i see fishes so many that they swam on top of each other, reminds me of Taiwan, but instead of carp we have tilapia here. yo ease my sadness, i feed them some found kakanin, channeling from my heavy broken heart to their mouths. 

09/17

-bacolod's street inasal are insanely good. and they dont use ketchup. very good.. ahaha

-there other putahi are so good as well. Bacolod for me seems to be the bicol or Pampanga version of luzon, where the seat of great culinary takes place

-worked inside a coffee shop across the lagoon. cant wait for tonight and have a great weekend

-finished behind her eyes, such a mind fuck series?!

09/16

-jog along lacson hiway, capitol lagoon while having monsoon rains

-passby uptown to downtown

-prayed at the cathedral and this time i did not pray for KF but for my family. to give my parents and my siblings more time and to live and retrieve what was taken away from us: the long lasting bond, quality time and having the comfort of eachother's company. i also acknowledge and forgive markpaul, who supposedly have this trip but he backed out and made me do this to save the plane ticket.

-was about to go back but lost my way, met a kind midget and show me the shortcut way back home. im so blessed

09/15

-woke up and went to the airport early, but our flight was delayed 

-arrived bacolod still early for my check in so i roam around and went the museum

-was mesmerized with the collection

-became chatty with the curator and found myself teimg her that, while sothesby/artbasel/metropolitan musem/moma showcase big-time artists, but its more commercial. rather than in provincial museum, artists have real stories to tell

-it was such pleasure to see nune Alvarado's artworks again and this time, from his hometown. i remember when i work as a curator in Luna and made to study nune and his artworks. 

-when i went upstairs, to the ancestral/archive section, something creepy happen

expound: AI detects group photo 

-called max to calm myself down as my innards went squirming with terror.

-first meal in bacolod so splurge and had dinner at gina's with their fresh seafood 

09/14

-its my first trip to Bacolod tomorrow, im not so sure why i get so hyped and cant sleep.

before i felt forced on this trip since this is supposedly for my brother who didnt use his ticket.

-there's so much vibration, i cant sleep even after doing the sleep yoga. this is strange. my last coffee was even before midnight. deym

-went to security bank to claim my atm card. google map shows they are until 6pm went there 4:35 only to find out they are only until 4:30

-want to release my frustration via the 200 pesos massage and they wont accept gcash i rome around aurora and when i finally able to cash out and spent more money, i get back, only to find out they are done for the day even if its still 2 hours earlier than their cutoff.

im so furious i scream on top of my lungs!

was so stressed and mad with everyone. i end up for a much expensive massage which accepts gcash. 

but the better version of me simply remind myself that stress creates income, and income is help for those who needs it. help is kindness. kindness is love.

09/13

-able to discuss and talk with doc d. im glad our session went well. it was fun and its really a matter of taking it lightly. she even motivated and wish me better opportunities in the future such as full bright scholarship. ahaha i really laughed and just also wish mag bilang anghel sya sana

-its pure happiness when boss Lynn approves my immediate VL. now i can travel to bacolod without time constraints 

09/12

-trying to get rid of KF out of my head, but i still miss him. even Denver didnt get on his way. i am hopelessly in love with KF

09/11

-i felt deprived so i splurged.

went to trinoma and make it as my avenue to walk with great music. i felt working out inside a mall

-tried this japanese restaurant at the sky garden and was amazed with the serving. had 3 refills of tea para masulit ang 600 ahaha

-went drinking to skydome and then went to timog. walk through memory lane and remember my yesteryears. and even saddened when Farenheit spot was demolished 

09/10

full moon

date with denver

we will have dinner at technohub, and its either kennys or tokyo2x. was confused where to eat, both places i have sad memories, kennys with what was his name, the guy from romblon? ahh det.

or at Tokyo2x, with KF.

so i have to ask myself, who am i to replace now. its KF so we will eat at Tokyo2x

also brought denver at Starbucks. its his first. i love seeing people having their first. just giving me that certain spark.

we made love at my place and he came twice. cuddle with him all night long. he said my place was nice. im loving my fresh sheets and lush plants that i brought inside.

he have to go home early so walked and talked under a full moon.

09/07-09

-heard bjorks latest single: atopos for the first time at kennys technohub, its powerful track overcome my bitter memories in that place.

-soak in the sun

-there's something in the air, crisp and tangy. a blossoming future

-never felt so alive once again, as if i just retrieved back long forgotten senses

09/06

-rewatched

my sassy girl

cried on this as well but not as hard as windstruck.

-took a nap and dreamt of having my plants growing lush all over my room. and my room was bigger as if im in spanish or greek taverna with vines over my ceiling. i felt happy when i wake up.

-still 2am so i went to neopolitan and meet this moreno cutie named ______ he is my first fuck in this area

we later had breakfast at mcdo. i like his smell and his eyelashes are so lush. he is gwapo. kissed him thrice, after he fucked me, a stolen and before we part. i love kissing him. he is such a talker and hopefully we can keep this connection. im not so sure about if this could last tho since he is still on his last of year of SH years. but who am i to gauge someone with his academic background? bahala na. come what may

-planted the seedlings that brings back my childhood years

09/05

-found myself taking care of someone who is super drunk along the gutter. he vomited so i also end up vomiting. ive never been so drunk like this. i felt like im 15 again, cursing and vows not to drink anymore.

-my world is still spinning even when i get home, vomited again and cried so loud as i am 

totally in pain with KF. now i realized he really matters to me but it appears i don't matter to him at all.

-me crying like a baby are tears i've been holding for so long. last time i cried like this was with arturo.

09/04

-i thought im done grieving with KF but the sadness is taking over me, once again after i rewatched:

windstruck

-its officially one week now since the last time i messaged KF. i just want to check if he will also take the first step on msging me or inviting me for the weekend. but there's nothing.

-went to spectroom and drink my sadness to somehow drown my sorrows over alcohol.

-was super drunk as in super super drunk. and rave like i usually do before. i missed it! gosh its almost been 3 long fucking years! since the last time i dance like no one is watching.

09/03

-Carri's brother in law was cremated. they had their memorial mass and she invited me over to their place at sitio Ruby. join manalo, xtian, Carlo and a newly met friend: samira. had fun at their now resort looking garage and then went wild at route 21. cant stop laughing when samira, carri and xtian went nestea plunge without the pool. crazy.

reminds me of chai when she also went like that and she had blood gushing on her head. fun and crazy night

09/02

-had another tooth extraction and hopefully the last. can't bear to lose more teeth anymore 🥺

-my oral rehabilitation plan includes denture, dental restrictions and veneers.

09/01

-eat out at burger king visayas with yka, claire ang mommy lyn with claire's hubby. we rode on their van

-went derma and madam provided me the hifu once again. luvit. she really provides me extra beauty care. 

dreams

09/06/2022

-i had a very creepy nightmare

russ and i made an ambush performance with monks doing their meditation to a sacred temple.. and one performance lead one thing to another

heavy prayer beads

wearing kimono

then went into this horror theater house with unborn children heads on display it appears patrick saying gwapo unta o, and theres these severed fetus head on palanggana.. blood everywhere even on foot bath square basin.

then we made this rituals on this little severed lady heads.. black with real human hair but head is like a silout of a balenciaga girl covered in black cotton/jersey/stocking

"tatae ko, susuka mo"

was the spell

and that severed lady head quivers with real tongueee.. looooong gummy tongue appear.. have to split that lady severed head with knife while groping the long black hair before the spell got worst.

i woke up having that chill all over me specially on my face my tummy and on my brain. scary as shit as ever 

09/01/22

-just dreamt im riding a brompton bike and riding to a coast (seems in my hometown in madridejos) sadened with trashes piling up at the sea 

.07/13/2022

-dreamt of gerald, my ex, we sort of seeing eachother again and he even go down for sex with penetration even though he is a pure "side". 

03/16

-dreamt of bjork

we went out of town 😅

then the day after i meet russ who said bjork just had a concert in a high school near north luzon a day before i saw here. but we missed it. since its a silent project of leni and i dunno if bjork was paid or she sang for the future gen.

02/28

-dreamt of orca

02/18/22

-woke up with this sad and heart wrenching dream as i felt all this concentrated heart pain that i denied and some of them i sit with.. on seing the intensity of my loneliness in a form of thousands of empty bottles of liquors consumed to numb my pain for all the years i was single and trying to be happy. 

waking up feeling so terrible.

02/03/22

-had 10 hrs of sleep after two nights of no sleep due to substance intake. i had this good dream turn into a bad dream. it turns back when john2x is little our bunso. he is such a source of happiness. we had a family celebration and we even surprised him. one key element is, they surprise him with a live frog and the frog ate his snacks.. it was fun.. and then later at night i can no longer find john, so i ask him where is he. and then my mom told me in her usual but such a sad and mourning tone: "susulatan nalang kita dong" don na ako nag wala.. i tried with all my energy to scream each word i wanna say but instead i heard myself in a weird whaling sound: "ang puputa nyong lahat"

gosh i really have to stop and never abuse my intake.

09/30/21

woke up with dream that i head to puerto gallera. and saw ralph, jm, and the rest of the SL gang. ot was rm 8296799 sometjing at 8000th flr 😅 ..they said why i left my new friends allen and russell. i caught myself saying ive been taking care lf my family for a long time.. you will tale care of your happiness, and i will take care of my happiness.

09/14

-such vivid, wonderful, weird yet logical dream i have

me russ and lem went out of town. went to beach where we have this conversation with some foreigners. one female caucasian told as a local story about a beach house/lodge at the very front of the shore where some horny people get there to do outdoor sex at dusk til dawn. then i went for a walk as if to buy something and saw these kubo burning. found out that the cause was this purple tiktak small pebble looking candy watusi cause it.. these fancy looking firecracker lined up all the streets and i warn the immediate house nearly that this will cause a major fire. the person i warned happened to be his idea to put this fancy firecracker to announce his home coming from working abroad 😅 and he spent thousands just have this done. later that day as if russ lem and i were resting, i noticed russ is givine me a blowjob. i immediately stop russ and found out hes doing this because lem is having a sexual encounter with. another guy. this guy is half black and saw his grindr profile that have a video showing his mastery in deep throating. lem looks buffed and huge with pecked muscles. russ tried to win him over while making lambing but lem is kind of frustrated on something and he made out with this black guy to get even. while russ and lem are woeing i have a call from chao romero.. we have this conversation as if we were long lost friend and told her that even after a long time i can feel her sincerity and there was this genuineness about her.

09/01/21

-dreamt of pangasinan.. or a town near a coast. historical places and beaches. saudade. having this vibrant vibe of summer.. alone and melancholic yet filled with excitement

02/22/21

-had a beautful dream of having this guided tour of a sacred place, huge triangular blocks that represent sto. nino. underneath is a clear water reflecting the universe and m dipped into it and was cautious i might fall into an abyss

-a sort of weird sinulog going on, we joined the parade.. had fun with female companions was it my cuzn bb, and then rhoda.

-dating and in love with a guy who was a crush of someone else who that he have to hide in the cafe

02/14/21

a guy who was born in 1991

saying he is a mess

me telling he is already brave for recognizing and accepting it.

seeing my own bones and the idea of having it displayed in a museum

a convention

with all of the people i know in the past no more social distancing

people i know from high school

from work

and then everything turned all into jellyfish billions of jellyfish

12/02/2019

Keeping the head of a priest.

Quareling with owens wife, designer

Arturo

10/08/2019

Dreamt about doing exclusive yoga with rihanna.

And she shared some cyrstal candy with me and suppose to do "something" but its just sweet and have no high effect.

Dec 02 2019

River, tundra.. Oasis..

I have crystals and blue gems on my neck and i felt the vibration so i was humming and dancing in ethnical movements as i was able to feel the coming of tribes, and there are hundreds of them, russ included. Its like malasimbo or art biennial or hk bassel

I saw vera and chai and their most amazing entrance, chai giving lectures and she is blabbering words of wisdom while we vocalizing like elsa in the movie frozen.. People from fine arts such as ms..ms. Estella and the likes were there. Chris bajade spotted me telling: we need you here. You need to be here. (In the art fare, art world, art community)

There was this huge artwork by "marie ________"

Huge artwork on glass frame and its like holographic that when you gaze from left to right, the image of fetus? Or an embryo from behind is being transformed into phallic or captured into something controlled and then it ends with two green blob fish pun intended. With a lot of dedication from "marie".. And then ivan smashed it into pieces it turns out it is just pages from magazine.

12/19/2020

dream about excursion with chai and Balde ni Alan

it could have been their major career moment

then someone, a devil is holding the pendulum of our breakthrough.

need to kill and fix that sumpa

sad memories

entry#2

i talked with this guy who i met in neopolitan for a cruise. after sex and walking, he then talk about his life story. we are having dinner at McDonald's that he can't bear discussing it inside. it must be very a heavy subject that we have to get back to the darkness, where, somehow comfort lurks, within the hidden area which i thought was only meant for nonsense fucking.

he said that he lives in his lola here in fairview. he is only 19, still on last of senior highschool year. still a student and no job to support himself. the reason behind he is not with his parents is that his father died due to heart attack when he was only 4 years old and his younger sister around 1 year old, his mother, who is still dealing with the loss of her husband have to deal with supporting her two children. she lost her mind and gone mentally ill. up until now.

i was so struck with how her mother got so affected with the pain. told him he is still lucky that his mother is still alive and death caused his parents apart.

unlike my auntie Merlie. together with my 2 cousins was left behind by her husband by a different woman.

my auntie was so affected she doesnt have the will to cope and got defeated with cancer in a span of few months, and eventually death.

pain is definitely such a strong force but we have to be stronger than pain. im still in pain with KF and i am slipping through the cliffs of sadness and craziness but i have to remind myself that i have to go through this. we have to endure pain and overcome it.

entry#1

-i had a sister. but she passed away at the very young age due to measles. me and my kuya almost died due to meales as well since we were brought to remote province in Samar were it lacks hospitalization and pediatric care. my mother had PTSD.

sometime in 2017, my kuya called saying: chloe, my niece, cant make home from Pampanga. my mother burst into tears and fainted. i also found myself scrambling on the floor crying. but we found out that kuya and his partner, jane break up and chloe will stay with her.

my mother who raised chloe since birth became so agitated gone through post partum depression. that was so terrible 

08/2022

08/31

-still cant over with Cari's crying when his brother in law, whom she have fond memories of and very dear to her, passed away. have to console her in person. 

08/30

-im somehow relieved with my depression, was able to 1 month worth of laundry.

-it feels good to feel good again.

08/29

-watched joshlia's i love you hater, but the quote that struck me the most is from sasha (kris Aquino)

"You cannot force someone to love us, but we can only force ourselves to keep on loving—kahit na nagmumukha ka nang tanga. Kahit nasasaktan na tayo."

08/28

-started not to message KF, as i felt im the only one who kepts on msging him. that he is forced to respond on my daily msges. i want to determine if he have the guts to say what he wanna say to me without me initiating a conversation. 

- went to starlight, because im tired of watching internet movies at home. also i just wanna hear people singing. or simply i just wanna go out. re meet this guy who knew me. he said we met at F so i later recognized him. we shared table and between drinks, he asked me about my place, i told him it was a mess because im in "a mess". specially my sheets are not washed for almost a month since i want to retain KF's essence on it. he said he find it sentimental.

08/27

-its a weekend but i dont feel any excitement, instead i want to wallow underneath my blanket and pillows, which are not washed since KF was with me. almost a month now.

-another episode of sadness and depression. i felt so lazy and dont want to do anything or be with anyone.

-but i have to walk to eat, have to go to philcoa at the death of the night as there's no more eatery in our area.

-passed by a cutie along univ.ave who reminds me of langga.babe (see ref) and then also meet a hot encounter at jolibee philcoa, gosh that was so intense.

-i got so muddy and dirty, tried checking rapture if its already open and found out a similar place called spectroom along stanford st. i had fun and crazy time as usuall. and seeing people from yesteryears makes it nostalgic. (malate era, cubao era)

08/26

-i got so giyang that i have to contact jade and zaeed. even tried to find new source.

-later i realized it was a broken heart cloaked in drug craving.

-as i associate coping with broken heart with partee n play.

08/24-25

-eat out with claire and yka at yellow cab visayas. fun times

-weekend is approaching so i asked KF what his plans. he told me he will work overtime on Saturday and a gig on a Sunday. as much as i understand and give him the space he needs, i felt sad since it's going 3 weeks we haven't seen eachother. 

08/23

-inform russ that bjork will be performing in Japan! and hopefully we can see her live, together.

-was screaming inside and will definitely do whatever it takes to score a ticket. what better way to visit my "ultimate" asian country with my most favorite artist. its like hitting two birds in one stone.

08/21

-monette's mom passed away. went to their place in manda and visit her with baby tyrone and her partner, echo. first time i played card (tong its) for the whole night. it makes me feel like tang wei in an Ang Lee's film. although Tang Wei played mahjong. Mint and I somehow gone through the years passed by and somehow assured her that her mom is in a better place knowing she is now have a lovely family of her own.

08/20

-its rainy Saturday

bed arrest and cant even drink coffee as it should be avoided for atleast 5 days from extraction.

re watched, "Love, Rosie"

and AJ and the queen

-watched local eps of Darna, Music and the beat, broken mariage vow

08/19

-having this bad dream of programming error? which leads me to psychologically and physically crashing. need to reboot myself, i usually press that nodal point between my eargate and temple to achieve dead ears for atleast 60 secs

-KF and I were msging again, he doesn't know i feel shitty all these times. i wish i can flip through the pages of julio and i when we were together, trying to grasp on those days when i was able to make it work. as if a recipe i need to recall. i dont remember how i did it or just meant to happen.

 

08/18

-totally sad and sort of preparing myself for another major heartbreak from KF since he is not msging back.

-had my tooth extraction and crazy how the dentist ask me if i want to keep extracted tooth so she can clean it. well its been with me for 37 years.. but no, i have to let it go.

-still have duty tonight 

-work with a heavy heart and heavy jaw.

-listen to Morissette amon's naririnig mo ba ako on the loop 

08/16-17

-try to be optimistic at work even ms. minsy who ive starting to know in my new team just resigned. we had despidida at max. i became an instant decorator and emcee with claire.

-got kilig with tan, my new office mate. ahaha. but hes just too young for me.

08/15

-Daryl msged me again. was surprized it was him. blocked him for the reason that he is a user and can't keep his promises.

08/14

-felt sad about kf not msging me anymore.. im not sure if he is just having fun at the bday party that he attended with his sister or if we are completely over. like he is in the verge of ghosting me

-slept a bit but woke up with the bright full moon at russ' Syquia windows with the view of manila bay

08/13

- was suppose to watch Pamilya Ordinaryo at CCP for cinemalaya tribute for Eduardo Roy Jr kaso its too early and i need quality sleep.

-still heading to manila. will be meeting Russ in Syquia instead 

-we prepared mocha with mj leaf as garnish 

-had some drinks at rooftop of rue bourbon

08/09-12

-ive havent seen KF for a long time, its running 2 weeks since the last time ive been with him. i am starting to terribly missing him. although we msge once in a while but its totally different when i am with him and talk to him in person 

-kept on watching the broken mariage vow. mesmerized with jodi's acting skill, she makes a very hard and heavy character looks easy. the plot and twists cause me to binge watch. there were times i am not able to get enough sleep since i got so hooked.

-totally blessed with my current work, i have so much free time.

08/08

-gosh, felt the genuine love and super good vibes with the latest Bretman rock mtv following season 2 with her sister

the one on therapy also kind of provided me insight.

the finale lingered with so much reverberation and created so much emotion ripples within me

08/06

aling puyo

moment by moment

aki ari

08/05

-went to Cinemalaya opening night

-one of the worst flood ever

-stuck in manila

-no choise but to worked on a cramped bus since its running 3 hours and i need to finish some work items. imagine standing with my laptop while approving death claims? crazy..

08/01-04

*needs revision

-reminiscing my date with KF

im not sure if it turns out to be ok specially we clash in terms of views. and he got turned off with my views as UPian (he is apolitical and his deeply seated christian idealogy)

*he is not pro revenge while me i am so eye for an eye tooth for a tooth person

07/2022

07/30-31

-date with KF

-first dinner with his moms adobo

-coffee at sbucks technohub

-tokyo2 

-had migraine he assisted me

sunday 

-coffee nomu

-samgyup at maginhawa

-we had soju

-we open out, him with his paranaque guy me about arturo

cried infront of kf about arturo

07/23

-saw this two guys around UP ikot at night, who i thought were my fubu from kalayaan, they kind of looking at me so i approached them. 

found out they are completely different, but the other guy looks very cute and hot.

so i straight forwardly say that he is my type, and if they want we can do threesome together.

and with some hesitations, they said yes. so i brought them at my favorite spot near tennis court and we did outdoor fun.

it was intense and i felt lucky one more time, kissing the cuter guy. how much more when i sucked him, don a condom and he fucked me frm behind. while the three of us kissed torridly. 

one of the hottest scene i had.

***

cant get over with the cuter guy so i ask him to get my number.

07/19-21

-lutang

07/17-18

-done instalift facial, ventosa and diy spa when i got home.

-cried so hard with yasmin and jc's pinoy version of more than blue

-ikaw at ako at ang ending.

-still thinking of the nectar crush and even tried searching for him in nectar fb page. no luck

-had an ultimate cruise session at University ave, i end up having a romantic talk, 3sum and armpit fetish, cum swallowing from a cutie in one night. it was great.

-went to my fave spot at dagitab scene across oble and done free flow yoga. it was one of the most wonderful practice.

-i felt so at peace and so blessed that im feeling what it is to be human. troubled yet thankful.

07/16

-met monette and eco at bgc and tried mints crispy pata, it was really good. mint and i then had a heart to heart talk over beer. regarding her dilemma with ecco and she wanting to leave with her baby. i remind her that she wanted and prayed for this to happen. i advised her to always go back to her initial intention.

-suppose to meet mark abargos for obar, but i end up at nectar. gosh i saw this ultimate guy, he is maldita but he is my ultimate type. not able to really hit on him but was super kilig when he brushed his back on my lips and able to smell him. gosh. but he end up going home early and me so so fucking wasted and end up kissing other guys. gosh. but my ultimate dream is to end up with him. i wish i should have asked him if i can walk him home.

-almost died in angkas as im so sleepy. i vomitted when i got home.

-remedied my drunkeness with tumeric so i wont end up having hangover when i wake up

-super wasted

07/13

-j.lo and stuart's wedding. we went to malabon with shawe and max and be mesmerized with a transgender married to a guy. it can really happen and love wins..

-got favour from ms. minsy for this immediate request, saying that i couldnt miss this as i might end up having the sumpa na hindi makasal. she laughed and im happy she allowed me with this request.

07/10

-went to trinoma for max to see her lavarn gurlnates. me and shawe bond via starbucks rooftop and facial at sm north

07/09

-max and shawe came in frm samar. im so thrilled to host them

-my room was polished, and accentuated with plants and scented candle from Baguio

-it felt cozy 

-we went coffee at nomu and then took some pizza and have a picnic at sunken garden

-we later went to comodia

-we had so much fun and so much drink that i end up so wasted.

07/06-08

-finally registered in residence

-haggle with maam may lyn and doc dee about my grade for my thesis

i felt so down as i thought i can make it this midterm as im. planning to my masters and LEPT review

-able to overcome my dissapointments via positive illusion, thinking that i may end up with my future husband at the same review center or at the same school i soon be teaching 😅

-i have this sudden hope of teaching and settling in Baguio

07/05

-felt productive with my bills, payment and account info.

07/04

-spent the last day of my 5 day long weekend with carri and josh at the los hermanos in tungko. very wonderful pool. at the center of nature resort with warm water.

-it was a marvelous get away.

07/01-03

-just rest stay in my room. sleep all day long. had massage and ventosa

-samgyup with my team mates in claims. had taken so much meat and we also drank so much soju. but it was a good bonding

-tried going at the back of sm fairview/centinial jog path. no luck with cruising but found this cute daddey and we just smiled at eachother. the moment i finished my early morning drink then i left.

-finished watching stranger things s4

06/2022

06/30

-heading back to manila

it appears that i almost have what i should feel in a span of two weeks.

the kilig guy in the cafeteria who appears to be a manager of a trucking services

ive seen him twice this time without his mask on. he is super cute..

the lover boy accountant

-reminds me of arturo. he have his charms and he is my ideal bf/husband.

-dinner dates, but he doesn't drink nor drinks coffee

the call center fuck boy

- who visited me in my pod and we did it sa storage room

the feeling celebrity

- he looks great in pictures huge dick, nice room, great sex but he is selfish in terms of 

the veniz outdoor

-6th floor, at the balcony, overlooking session rd and the city of Baguio 

toxic cutie boy 

-drinks and smokes a lot

-we had a drinking session at the rooftop bistro

06/29

0405984435

joyce nemedez - sydney australia

-grabeh na antig parin ako sa story ny nemedez couple who both worked in hyatt baguio and survived the 1990 luzon earthquake. supposedly duty sila until the end of the day but since shes pregnant of her 2nd child they have to be off from work early. if they stayed til later part of the afternoon, they could have been one of those passed away when the hotel collapsed.

-also the manang who sells flowers from the simbahan who says kakunti lang ang pamumuhay nya basta marangal.

06/27

-warched s4 ep dear billy on stranger things. max's letter saying: "let's try again" 

speak so much volume to me

-i found the cutie who stayed at the pod across me gone, i wish all of my room mates are as cute and as clean as he is. he made our room sweet smelling. gosh i will miss him.

06/26

-coffee in the middle of session rd, literally

-cant get enough of sunday morning vibe so had cheese cake and heirloom coffee at session hill road

-after the whole package spa

i felt like a new baby

06/25

-date with frank

-he got fever so i just snuggle and cuddle with him all night long

june 24

i felt like an expat, dining to different fancy restaurants.

its more of a reward for anything harsh or great moment i had.

tuloy ang buhay

june 23

its been officially one week since im here in baguio

walked towards the diplomat hotel. just basked in the serenity. fresh crispy air.

an idea came through me about if u were to choose a place to stay here in baguio.. where it will be?

well baguio is densely populated already plus there are a lot of tourists. so the niciest view would be the one at the very top of the mountain. it kinda reminds me of muarakmi's after dark, when there was this story of the three brothers. where the third brother choses to push his boulder at the very tip most of the mountain even if he would only lick on ice for water and nible on moss for food. 

june21

one of the most beautiful invocations i've ever experienced.. 

the music: lyrics, voice, instruments, vibration, the heart and soul that flows within this moment seems to be in perfect alignment with the universe.. 

love and gratitude ❤️🙏

june 19

-baguio yoga convention 

-

dina salonga

healing for incurable diseases

publico

casa

bon fire.

one piece

06/17

-end my claims training with mel and boss GP. they dont know i am in baguio. ahaha good thing the place i stayed have fast internet connection

-had my first morning in baguio after my shift.. goooosshhh. its so coooorrrrd. very cold.

- innaugurate my celebration with taho filled with caramelized strawberry on top! just sooooo good. never felt so ecstatic for a long period of time.

- walk around burnham park at 5am is so prestine but still alot of people i will try to get there much early so i could have it on my own.

- seeing the lake with the swan boats make me miss julio or that feeling of being in loved. my memories of us flooding back.

- had dinner at good taste and finally had the cream puff that ive been craving for for looong long period of time.

- i felt happy

06/16

-angkas is so rare during rush hour, i have no choice but take the taxi. i end up with a chatty driver, he is into triathlon. went through hardship but manage to take good care of his health.

major best practices i got from him

1. if you join a 21k run, then practice running 22k or more 

2. eat a lot of boiled eggs two days prior the event

3. anticipate you have no sleep during the event so you have to practice more

4. fatality is common so you have to be in good condition

5. swimming, biking and running is a way of life. indeed it is his life. he was a fisherman, a driver, and a mover.

angkas could have caused me for only 100, my by taxi bill was for 250. and i almost arrived late. i will just think the difference as a seminar fee for his talk 😅

-accompany myself with bjork as i pass through endless Fields, cliffs and mountain slopes. full album of vespertine, vulnicura and some videos from her Icelandic orkestral

-the moment i saw the familiar pillars connecting to the Cordillera's i can officially say this is it!

-arrived in baguio right after duty. with long trip and no sleep. im so haggard

06/15

-excited for my baguio trip. have to push for it no what what. will be staying there for two weeks..

06/14

-watched four sisters and ap wedding, crazy

06/13

-having vivid dreams bec of the kush. its so potent and high grade. 

-revel and just tone down

06/12

-staycation at prime city hotel with carri and joshua. quality moments with good breakfast, pool, unli coffee.

-hot encounter with the guy from mezanine, tall dark and yummy. he's originally frm taguig. we came tremendously together. that was a good sex

06/11

-aurora 2022 wuth cari and josh

06/07

-started my day right with me and mel started with claims analyst.. my dream to become a digital nomad will come to life.

-at midnight, Mel's bday on the 8th

-but i end up sharing a bad client with carri also with Marilyn. such a way to end a day. 

-went to my favorite diner in KNL and have my comfort food: liempo, dried pusit and egg.. 

06/04-05

-went to carri's place to celebrate calvin's bday

-had great time with the olero's with the videoke

-pnp since GV

-met a moreno version of christian Bautista

06/02-03

-stranger things 4

06/01

-june is here

so as the midyear rain

a constant reminder

part of the strength in vulnerability program was to made a collage, on what the universe is telling you; through image and a caption.

the image of the horse travelling in a parched cracked land really captivates me. im seing myself with it. 

i am simply swinging by. i felt monotonous and dull. 

coincidentally, the magazine i was given was with this title (or i guess its the name of the magazine itself). we were given only 5 minutes to come up with a collage and a message to share. i was flipping through the pages but there's no better caption than the name of the magazine itself!

so now, in retrospect and in divine interaction, i am looking at this as a reminder. as if a sticky note on your desktop, saying i have to bring back colors in my life. or simply look for limitless variety specially during the time of monotony. or simply there are instances that life is really dull, as part of the shadow of a colorful life. 😅

whatever it is, this will be a guiding message, a compass, to an ongoing journey, to which im heading towards location of solutions.. 

love and gratitude

🙏❤️🙏

05/2022

05/31

-post holiday, busy

05/30

-for my 4 day weekend, i just reminisce who are my best sex for this year so far. and it will be the medical guy from perpetual sucour and also this motor cycle guy in biri.

05/27

-long weekend for me

-partee invites, end up with 3sum. the other one looks like paolo contis, while the other one is a 5'11 guy.. it was hot encounter

05/26

-finally submitted my 1st chapter, then reward myself watching Netflix: jigaro and the witness

-got insomnia due to hot weather

05/25

-breakfast with the gang team sakalam at finio.. it was a hearty meal

05/24

-talked with daryl and he mentioned about his std symptoms. cant help but got worried about him

-what bothers him bothers me so i got to help him. help him unload the emotional and psychological weight 

-insomnia strikes me. things that bothers me:

work load/system issue

academic papers

05/23

-sit in on an oral defense

-realized ang layo ng study ko, gosh 😅

-still depressed

-finished watching the haindmaiden and have that strong feeling to rewatch the portrait of the lady on fire.

-both are mesmerizing yet, just like the poet's choice, i love a sad ending

05/22

-went to cainta in the middle of rainy thunderstorm via angkas (motorbike) in the city. crazy. the guy who im suppose to meet cant be contacted for hours, i passed by gerald's familiar place (my ex) so 

-i went inside gerald's subdivision and try to re envision what we had before. soaking in around his neighborhood 5 years ago

my memory of the place is totally vague and cant even locate his place. what i remember is our early morning breakfast of which he is the one who prepares and our walks going in and out his subdivision

-still the guy who im suppose to meet didn't msge, so i went inside Robinsons cainta and had massage, it was really good. i felt sooo sleepy after.

-finally meet my date and just spent the night with him but je snores so loud and became restless so i took my may home

05/21

-weekend, supposedly meet carri and josh but got upset with simple matter, as simple as my favorite pair in nomu not available. it stress the hell out of me and never knew it was already depression

-im becoming scatter brain again

-turned down lots of invites

-even walked out from a 3sum with a couple as felt weird and i just cant stand it.

-walk along visayas ave while listening to murakami's afterdark. my seemingly favorite book when i felt im in the dark

05/16-20

-onset of rainy season

-i just wanna stay in bed

-i dont feel like doing anything

-feel unpretty

02:15 

05/15

-went bathing in the rain

-bjorks headphones ringing in my mind. done movements

-never had so much peace since post election

05/14

-session at chill top with carri, xy, becca and be with didi's weeping over a heart breaking love affair

05/13

-healing comes in prayer

attended the pasasalamat rally at ateneo and comforted with overflowing peace and love

05/11-12

need healing

05/10

-broken

di ko na mabilang ilang beses na ako ma heartbroken, pero sa araw na to, parang feeling ko 10x more yung hapdi. 

its weird since this time, its not due to a break up. not because binusted ni crush, or nag loko si boyfriend. it is because of the love of one's motherland. maybe because this is my first na hindi romantic yung heartbroken, akalain mo, at 37, na fe feel ko pa to?!

kaya di ko mapigilang umiyak. ng sobra sobra.

yung hagolhol habang naglalakad pauwi na wala kang paki if mey makakita sa yo na ibang tao..

gayunpaman, na aamazed parin ako sa universe sa mga walang katapuzang zurpriza.. bringing back a childlike wonder. life indeed never fails to amaze me. 

bagaman, mey ngiti at umaapaw na kapayapaan dala ng yakap ng kanyang hiwaga.

kapit-bisig 

tumindig

sa pag ibig

🌸❤️🌸

05/09

-election day, went to UPIS 11am qnd its almost 1 the queue inside is still too long

done voting and freshen up exactly at 13:51

gosh almost 3 hours 😅

rm 311

cluster 1192

i never felt so awake and so alive for a long time. 

this is the most beautiful fight that i am proud i took part of.

yung hirap at pagod na napapawi ng saya at pag asa ay ni kailanman makaka limutan sa laban na to. 

this era nurtured within me a sincere reconnection and pure intimacy with estranged family members, long lost friends and even random strangers. i mostly isolate and now i found myself engaging with a large community. these are just few of the wonders i will forever treasure.

i will consider this as my golden, or rather, the pinkiest era ever in my life until my dying day.

i am, forever, grateful.

🌸🙏🌸

05/07

-went to meeting de avanci at makati

-got lucky to get near the stage and saw vp leni and her senatorial candidates

04/2022

04/30-31

-went to pasay sortie

-had a great time and seen vp leni in the flesh for the first time.

04/29

-went to russ place and had dinner with cowrie, his Japanese housemate, lem, pat and gunther (Pat's parner)

it was really great and had so much fun

04/26

-i havent updated my journal since april 15

-i had so many events and i felt i never get grounded yet

-i had this annual heavy rain bathing.. i just had it and went around UP ikot.. wonderful wonderful refreshing.. the rain is so heavy that it turns zero visibility.. nung tumila na went to this mango tree near beta way and had this 2 awesome mangoes.. felt blessed

04/25

-salubong the bday of carri with josh and justine manalo

-amazing food

-we had sangria

-acapella videoke and gigi de lana music trip

april 23

- attended Pasay rally, arawna10, a bday celebration for mommey Leni

april 20

-met danao guy.. he reminds me of matteo guidicelli. its a wonderful 1 hour break.. i suppose to meet him in bantayan island but we are both wasted

april 15

-i always get excited and im fully awake everytime i travel north. looking outside my bus window just give me that certain joy.. maybe because its always means im going home

-passing by catmon always puts me in awe. just beautiful seaside that once visited my dream. i also wish i can have a resthouse by the cliff by beach 

-passed by emi, that road up to the mountains between sogod and borbon.

04/14

-went to celestial gardens. i remember vera Thomas and russ. its been years since i got there

-meet again with perpetual guy. gosh its our third and this time i got to smack him. might be falling for him 😅 as always making love with him his intense and hot. he is super gwapo and yummy. amazingly and surprisingly he is the only guy for the entirety of my stay in cebu. does it mean im now ready to simply stick to one?

04/13

-pink Wednesday

-went to ayala cebu just to have coffee st leonas and to have their cake

-as always i just enjoy simply the food that i crave here in my childhood neighborhood: lechon, kasag, anitas, puso, sinugbang isda

04/12

-meet with perpetual guy, for the 2nd twice. as always, the best sexual experience with him. whole total package: hunk, hung and hummy..

-finally meet up with chai.. like FINALLY. and what better place to catch is in cebu?! (ayo2x cafe in guadalupe)

04/11

-walk in the rain at my birth place in Cebu! just wonderful i can feel and see goosebumps on my skin

-gosh! had a super steamy encounter with a jock in perpetual sucour he is hunk and hung.. im super lucky

04/10

-left my charger at pasig and bond with mama via pedicure. if going way towards man is through his stomac, this is my mama's weakness. i tried convincing her my political agenda, but such happiness when she said she is for Leni.. 

-flight frm manila to cebu. theres an ongoing storm. stayed at the airport overnight.

04/09

-took off this time and just simply lighted a candle, blue sage and a black incense given by chai... had my room filled with gratitude and serenity

-then darryl messaged me and drop by, gosh he is ripped and muscular for a 21 year old guy. he said he is working out in the gym. as usual we had this steamy sex and body worshiped him. 

-ordered curry and Parmesan chicken and some spicy burger plus bbngka basque and shared some with miumiu.. not bad for an early part of my bday.. will sleep and lets see what tomorrow brings

-spent my bday at pasig with family.. i guess this one is one of our family bonding as john and leanne will move back to cebu. awesome moment specially with papa, karaoke and sang with him. that certain endearment that we have cherished through the years. 

-brought jolibee of which my pamangkin xinxim immensely enjoy. they will be moving to cebu in few weeks time. it makes me kinda sad 

04-08

-im still afloat with the recent travel of which i felt exhausted and refreshed but since i have work, i really have to prioritize sleep and nothing else

-finished karla reads the classic' the catcher in the rye on Spotify and its weird i have a complete memory of it from the past when i read way back in highschool

-then now starting on to kill a Mockingbird

-brought my pasalubong to rhoda, jerwin and carri for the moron and the tableya of which i personally love as well.

-pamper myself with facial and massage

 

04/05-07

-needed rest

04/04

-so im walking here at the bay blvd in Tacloban and i cant get over the scene i had with this ultimate handsome guy. it wasnt that perfect since it was awkward, movie like scene as he passed by with his posh pick up, he is kind of unclear so i tried to brush him off. but he persisted even have to steer back towards me. he is a rich kid handsome guy.. hoppen in in his car, and when i groped him he is already hard. sucked him all the way from his balls to his nipples. and then kissed him. gawd that was so hot and he is so gwapo.. he is rock hard and i could only wish i could sit on him.. kissed him more and i love the taste of his mouth even if he tasted of beer and cigarette.. i kissed him torridly and when he is about to come i got back to his dick and swallow him all through out. i felt so lucky.. have to go as my motor driver is already waiting, i should have asked for his number.. our parting is awkward but it was so fucking memorable.. 

04/03

-

04/02

-woke up in biri

-meet tina and we went to macarite island to visit their community

-went to this beach where the waves so strong and the sea bed is made out of rocks and sea weeds.. it made me feel this cold fear again of the unkown waters

-lost my 2k worth of arena goggles.. this gain and lost something theme is coming back

-its cloudy and rainy but had a glimpse of sunset. had a overw

-went videoke with shawi and max

-had my first gay pay for the very first time, since this time i technically payed for it. although im oppose with the idea of it since i have this principle of not going for it up until im no longer saleable and palatable to guys.. but this is the provincial tradition and these guys are fucking straight. supposedly with ronald who captivates my fancy (manly, buffed, boys of summer charm) but due to some circumstances we are not able to meet him again . so i end up with this tall gorgeous guy with a surprisingly a grower. i came while he gagged me with his huge dick, fuck me from behind and then came into my mouth.

04/01

-woke up at catarman and then traveled to allen

-had lobsters for the first time

-met shawi, max close friend and she is wonderful.

-stay right across the rock formation. tourism is not yet on its peak so we had the whole place to ourselves. we had dinner at LJ hotel with sumptuous meals. drink with the locals and had this moment with a 19 year old kid. just treat him with kindness.

International Day of Pink

Growing up, I cannot remember if I am bullied or if I have ever been bullied. Because if I were, then it never affected me at all since my parents are compassionate enough to accept me and I stand for who I am even when I am still a child.

There would be no instances of bullying if there is no bully and being a bully can be prevented through good parenting. 

We should guide our children how to practice the art of acceptance.  To properly foster understanding and let them appreciate the beauty in diversity.

New World

 https://vimeo.com/666185457

watched the live streaming with Russ.

while we are drowned with sonic and visual treat, my inner exaltation leads me to conclude that this will be my anthem at the very moment of my passing.

03/2022

03/31

-trip to samar to visit max

03/25-30

-everyday im missing det and just got myself distracted with political campaigns but its not healthy.. im still in a wreck

will definitely have clarity soon

03/24

-had my tetanus booster shot and syph test

-

03/23

-had a steamy encounter with a cute hairy guy who also have fetish to be sniffed. i love his armpits and he breed on me

03/22

-UP campus is filled with snowlife cotton balls . i wanna take a picture of it but my ohone is dead.. i usually fail to shoot something magical.. but what i did is just simply breath in it, be with it and experience in actuality.

03/21

-woke up at park chateau

-breakfast at emeralds and see the night after leni

-went to lifehomes and had breakfast with my sister and laws, mamu and the kids.. xin2x and avy

03/20

-ortigas lenie sortie

-just tired.. can no longer stand it. went to metrowalk for a drink. then found comida.. kind if reminds me of rapture. its 

03/19

-Det is no longer responding

-met jake.UP

-also meet Rick 

-kindo of fucked off kinda day

-the day is so confusive for sleeping.. just want to sleep sll day

03/18

-russ' bday.. did not reached out to him but he is always on my thoughts

-i just cant post another pics from the past that has been recycled again and again, if its like a chicken broth, i dont want to present an essence less chicken fiber.

-full moon, most times it excites but sometimes it drains the sanity in me.. laze down the whole day starting yesterday.

-watched memoria and still got mesmerized by tilda

03/17

-ugghh finally, was able to watched "the worst person in the world" online 😅

i've been waiting for this since last quarter of last year. just like trying to set an appointment on DFA's website, ive tried again and again.. again and again day after day.. weeks months until google search provided me the ideal link head on. 

yes i kept on revisiting and scouring for links for a free clear copy since this is not available in local cinemas yet (as far as im aware of) and holly molly just landed a streaming page which bombards me with 25 auto blocked pages.. but its worth it! im screaaaminGgGG!!!

..

this is a kind of an encounter when you dont have an immediate friend to talk to and you find this film which sort of telling you, "hey i understand you since you understand me.. i speak your truth." (omygehd have i just had this imaginary conversation with the film now..?) as i feel what it feels and it feels what i feel.. eh? ahaha basta yun na yurn..

so, im digging this. i want this as a back to back fucked up movie with umi ishihara's the garden apartment

03/15

-declutter my room as i see it as being devastated by a storm. just like my emotional state with Det. such a relief when i somehow cleared the mess and took a bath and have some warm cacao. self compassion is such a great healer.

-watched the rain outside my window, it is comforting to see it soothes the parched land

03/14

-woke up with an email that i have class with doc dayang. i felt a surge of hope and excitement with my teaching career in the future.. i hope can make it in due course.

-was able to accomplish my passport renewal. FINALLY. its been days weeks months since i tried making an appointment then there was this fire at robinsons magnolia, im glad DFA was not affected.

-im feeling low ever since det is no longer responding back to my msgs

-i dunno, i kind of attached to him already.

03/13

-just finished watching the theory of everything

i had this head ache from over sleeping

-well i can only blame it to the weather.. it just start raining after long dry spell

after several years since the pandemic, ive zorro again

-meet uro once again, deym he is totally hot and sexy. he is buffed and all that from working out. he brought me to a rooftop. where we did our usual steamy encounter and he took a video. i cum immensely and he came all over my face. another hot encounter with him.

03/11,12

-kept on thinking about det... 

03/10

-morning walk and really had an intense colors yet gentle morning sunshine at sunken garden

-im having insomnia episode

-i wanna see horror film sana then watched howie severeno's multo ng kasaysayan

-its disturbing and to ground me went through gardening and be at peace with my newly sprout mongo seeds and listen to olafur arnalds live performance in Sydney opera House.. it was emotional.

-after centuries of unable to compose, i got a new poetry entry:

http://hotmug.blogspot.com/2022/03/empty.html?m=1

-Dets words ringing in my mind: you cannot explain but you would be able to understand

03/09

-bond with carri at rals

-kinda drunk but got an email from sir amos and doc dayang and got hopeful for finishing my thesis and pray make it this year.. sent them responses and maam may as well.. praying to God hope all will be all well..

03/08

-saw dether once more, came to his house.. i greatly missed him. he never knew how guba broken i was without him. but for some reason i felt weird. i kinda want to hand over him a note saying: i dont feel something special about u anymore.. just like what arturo just msged me. but this time it was me giving out to someone else. i dunno. but when i hugged him and touch his hair, i like him. i dunno. i tried making it a better day and wont define it in any way.

03/07

-call mamu as i got disturbed with my massage encounter at the blind massage center where a woman scream and cried as she felt violated, told mamu what i remembered with the scream and together we pray for them. hope all is well.

03/04-6

-was suppose to have dether come over at my place. i went through this major cleaning, did my laundry to have my bed sheet fresh, transplant indoor plants and all and then, 

he cant make it. 

he needs me time from being overworked from site. i felt wrecked.. well i cant blame him although i felt down but thats the way it is. i let my maturity sinked into me and just simply say that all those preparation is for my own fix. so im good. i also went through me time at marikina early in the morning and visit jardin ni lola for the first time. it was beautiful.

03/01-03

-moments of which i stayed in bed and just let my mind wander.

03/31/2022

03/31/22

finally had my passport renewed.. its funny when every time i had my photo taken for govt issued IDs i always have tyra banks' voice in my head: "think about murder" 😅

i could only wish what i have in my hand is a black passport.. applying for visa for a certain foreign country is such a pain in the @$$

now i wonder.. kelan kaya tayo magiging 1st world? how can we free ourselves from the stigma associated of being a citizen of a third world country? ewan.. i thought it was all in my mind but no.. it is indeed happening..

this didn't dawn on me until i got here in the city. as an islander, i don't have those concepts and i consider my hometown as a paradise and paradise has no effin ranking/category  if its 1st 2nd or 3rd. Realizing that we are in a 3rd world country makes me feel what Giselle felt in the film Enchanted, when she learned the word and actualizing the feeling of "anger", for the first time.

traveling for me is a weapon to kill. the thrill to kill. to kill "overthinking". specially if those thoughts were shoved into your head without legitimate reference and being fact checked. What better way to kill those voices by drowning them with the thought of you snorkeling or free diving in a deep sea ocean. 

that's why starting today. i will do this 3 day social media detox (fb, twitter and even email) and head towards eastern coast. right at the pacific. have this temporary bliss of escaping both the virtual realities of our society and physical realms of what it is to live in a "developing country"--- escaping the filthy smoke and unbearable stench of livelihood, i want to leave any trace of urban living, the once virtual community which now becoming a digitally chaotic society and, the f### of it.

pause

turn off

reset

just like my expired passport, there's a need for me to be renewed.

"empty"

reaching out to you

with weathered hands

made of withered veins

up to my chest, 

up to my throat

running out of breath

lungs full of dusts

pinned on bed

but already

already but not yet

crossed out

seems to be 

you tried to drill me out

but too late, 

i already passed out

quick drying cement

im stuck, with no choice 

but be burnt 

with gasoline

got to hurry, 

for there should be, 

or would be, 

would it be?

a grand show?

or there's no need to flow

let go

there's no time

to get buried

we are no longer in touch

(in and.out();

worktask.communication.execute();

ex.communication

if (waiting=="empty")

unsure with awkward glance

slowly, fading 

humming away

further, and further away

the final passing of the violin

the last whisper of the flute

the last key

the last note:

"I understand your decision. 

But I am here, sitting in front of you, 

telling you to reconsider."

a means to an end

02/2022

02/28

-sensing the summer that is coming. i can still feel the coldness of air and the piercing of sunlight. its as if im in the middle of estuary where saltwater meets freshwater

02/27

-now lang medyo bumalik mag align body and soul ko.. sobrang intense ng session ko with saeed.

-i cried with the realization that saeed was always been my crush for 5 years. and that moment with him in his arms was the best moment i could ask for.. but there are things that are not meant to be. and each of our hearts desire will always remain a mystery.

-watched spiderman with Det

-we had dinner sa isawan just across simbahan, we are the last customer. he lost his key we found it

-first time i show him inside my room. 

02/26

-sobrang taas ko pa putah. 

02/25

-continue catcher and the rye at spotify, 

02/19-21

-lobo batangas with team sakalam 

joshua's place

punta verde

karaoke

1st time to kayak and see the amazing marine sanctuary just across joshuas place.. amazing

indeed lobo is the center of the marine ecosystems

saw amazing creatures even by the end skirts of the shore 

02/18

-det prepared dinner, amazingly he is a creative cook. dozed off in his arms and got awaken by an alarm for work that night. i wish this could lasts. was on time in the office, on time.. its the sweetest thing.

02/17

-found this catcher in the rye being read at spotify, i can even hear the flipping of the pages. such a way to revisit an old book that i read in highschool.

-det is sending this cute pic of his of which i found him so gwapo. bakit ako nakikilig? eeehhhh 🤭

02/15-16

waking up happy to see det and i were now in msgr.. he even bought me a coffee.. ahaha

02/14

-past midnight when i wake up. saw det texted me few hrs ago, but it appears he is already asleep.

-also replied to carri but she seems to be asleep as well

-then darryl msged me and came over at my place. the traces of "im too young but im over worked and have so much responsibilities" is now too prominent. treated him with care and affection. massaged him and for the first time he slept in my room

-as much as i would like to fall for darryl but im not so sure of him.. im not sure if he is the right match.

02/14 part 2

-then here comes dether..

i never felt so kilig like this for a long period of time.. i asked him for a dinner date and he said yes.

when was the last time i went for a date whom i really like, 2018? gosh, that was 4 years ago.. and im having this jitters while preparing or dressing up for our 1st dinner date... ahaha

-we met at technohub and we dine at kenny's.. it went well and we had so.much to talk about.. i feel at ease with him and i find him intellectually and emotionally intelligent.. so i guess he is a better match

-we had a walk around technohub and show him my favorite spots

-then we also went to macauimperial and we walk along University ave.. we pause for a breather at my favorite tree where he we lay down and he played jeff buckley's "lilac wine"

-since i still have work that night, we part ways after seeing the oblation.. it was a sweet night.

02/13

-had breakfast with Det then watched rupaul all star s.16? and as usual on his 4th orgasm thats when i got to go

-went to pasig and spend quality time with mama, we had pedicure and had her hair done. and finally was able to teach how to prepare golden latte for her knee. we also walk towards yakal street and have this usuall halo2x it was a nice bonding even tho her heart was bleeding because of my siblings substance issue. gave her some advice how to deal with it. and im glad she let it all out and that alone can ease her suffering..

-watched the house of gucci with my sister in laws however im so sleepy so i have to go home.

02/12

-spent time with Det

we ordered pizza and pasta frm friuli and brought him the wine and rib eye steak. we tried to watch lu over the water but we got drowsi because of the wine and made love 😅

02/11

-i usually spend my mornings along University ave and this time, i dont cruise so much anymore and dont open grindr .. given that im always with Det and i want to respect what i have with him.

-my eksena at the University ave is just to simply walk and do simple workout, order foodpanda and eat under the tree. its a great welcoming for summer.

02/10

-watched dance of the 41.. Alfonso Herrera is so gwapo noh?! but her wife's character is so heavy and well played.. i am so impressed

-have not attanded spring film this year, so to commemorate i watched zang Ziyi and eddie peng short:

https://youtu.be/mNucIO9bfIA

02/09

-rewatched pale moon

-listen to chai's gusting in a podcast

https://open.spotify.com/episode/5DvYOl49dkB8vxdKYbTNO8?si=9XRQNX5hRjuu7Z4FgWh6hQ&utm_source=copy-link

-zain is inviting me over to bora, his invitation is so tempting but as usual, he is always a douche as he want me to bring over some item of which puts me in total danger. he is stupid. gago talaga.

02/08

-just sleep and rest well

without thinking of anything that bothers me.

tried not thinking of:

presidential polls

advising for this sem

substitution process

-just complete surrender

-im kind of torn between jake, vlad and dether as my ultimate lover. but tbh i am more drawn to dether. 

02-5,6.7

-stayed at dether, the guy from romblon.. we watched "Luca" and Adeles concert at Griffith observatory. i felt ive been with him for three days or even more 😅

just cuddling and love making.

02/04

-work and academe stress

-also went to ortigas to visit one corp center only to find out my previous employer already shut down

-went to memory lane along emerald street

-drinking session with carri after shift. it was a nice session

02/03

-meet deter, an engineer from Western Visayas and gosh hes only 22 and he is so hot. its one of those romantic encounter and not just sex. but i dunno where this leads to

-also meet Vlad the stylist, he is now in nova.. he just moved there so i brought him some food and we do house warming.. literally 😅

02/02

-my four day weekend has come to an end and i am so wasted.

-now i dunno if i felt recharged to get back to work and also my enrollment.

-have system issue

02/01

-im still super horny with jade and suppusedly have sex with doc albert but he happed to have a nose job and penile surgery. so what we did is just sleep together 😅

- was able to attain 10 hr sleep.

-still felt my long weekend is boring as no chance of traveling or head out of town.

-supposedly just sleep or spend time with maxman but it turned out to be pnp with him.. it wasnt as intense as the first but we had joy ride in the middle of the night and just body charge with him

01/2022

01/31

-just take a rest and savor my long weekend 

01/30

-pnp with jade since the one i have scheduled with saeed did not push through

-one of the best moment with him as he came inside me. and he is so hot and still so buffed.

01/29

-meet daryl and have our usual stay at my place.. we had dinner and tried watching ponyo

had a great time with him

01/25

-finally able to sleep and attain 10 hrs.. after more than a week worth of anxiety frm zee, and partee. i felt renewed and energized. pwede na makipagsapalaran ulit. ahaha

01/24

parteed til mid day

met this hung filchi guy who is so hard. had a great time with him. he is so good and huge, i would say i still love saeed pero walang sinabi si saeed sa pagka tigasin neto, i still dont know or dont wanna know his name, i will have him nick named maxman for now.

01/23

-finally my order frm zee got delivered. after reported his account as scam. now he know whos the boss

01/22

-quality time with family

we watched the Jessica soho interview for the Presidential candidates

and then watched "The Life of David Gale" as per Lacson's recommendation

-bonding with mama papa, my brothers and sister and laws and my pamangkins...its a heart warming weekend

1/20

-insomnia hits for several days now me as i ordered something from zee and its still not being delivered. but let him know that how i am bad with sending out karma so that alone wont lead our transaction into a scam. i spent almost 5k

-relisten to drive my car and scherehezide by murakami in man without woman as im now in the middle of the film which i watched in installment.

the part that moves me was with sonya, the mute audition and then tatsuke's confession with kafuku about examining your own heart.

01/19

-watched a girl and a guy by erik matti and now drawn more and more to baguio

-digged into the ransom collective and play traces on the loop

01/18

-revisit my pics from sinulog from previous years...my last was in 2019

-wfh and just enjoy my meal from ababu.. the ghafghazi was sold out so settled with their tenderloin and liver which is still, heaven.

01/17

-met vlad, a stylist and he's hot. and found a good connection with him. its sort of arturo kind of level where we made love multiple times in a night (he came 3x while me 2x) then another 1 in the morning. Gosh

but might consider him as an ultimate fubu rather than me keep on having different guys. i am considering an connection rather than just mere body friction.

1/16

one of my lucky days arrived. met this hunk celebrity looking guy with 7" dick.. gehd.. sarap talaga putah.. and i love his smell. consume his cum

all the while we do it we have the elite sound track playing

heres how i remember him:

https://open.spotify.com/track/5ugp0EWSi2V3Jhc3x2cVsg?si=qZ9yeJMRSAejAYXu9ZTsZw&utm_source=copy-link

01/15

-my four day long weekend is so uneventful so visited pasig and spend time with family. massage with mamu and then sing along with papa. really had quality time with fam

-still got horny and was looking for a partee session. kaso ang hirap maka kita ng magandang tiempo

01/14

-got susepended due to not wearing faceshield and improper wearing face mask in the office. making my long weekend even longer.

-was planning to go down south to masasa puerto galera with carri but travel restrictions get ahead of us. slept the entire day

01/13

-few days ago, this movie makes paramdam:

drive my car

and realized it was just murakamis bday. try to watch the film based on his man without woman collection

01/12

-i just a killed a mice. and i felt like a murderer . i can feel a sudden cold blood creeps in my veins and with such intensity.. gosh.. i never felt so guilty but with less remorse.. since its been days it cuts my sleep and causes me insomnia as it gnaws on my food wrapers and everything.. so i just cant help but find a way to kill it. but the thing is, it has a sibling.. it might take revenge as my mother told me.. i even wash my hands thoroughly and all the traces of blood just like in the movies.. im kinda afraid or even wanted to find a way to terminate it as well 

01/11

-had a long conversation with max via messenger and its been a while since the last time.. im so impressed with her achievements even if she wasnt able to renew her contract as a town nurse. 

-had this intense pungent smell of flowering tree which i believe is mango. i usually only passed by this kind of smell but for couple of years, its just outside my window. just lovely.

-for some reason, i didnt feel depress or down due to extacy and liquid g overdoses. my diet helps a lot which consist of omega3 rich power source such as salmon and galunggung.. then i also haf cacao and banana.. replinishing it is

01/10

-had a bad hangover frm parteeing last night. felt awful and embarrassed. which is normal and common. needed some grounding and replenish my serotonin. so prepared myself a hot mocha and rewatch bjork orkestral concert no. 2. i feel better now.

-had a love/hate/sex encounter with knl guy. i was still angry at him when he stood me up last time but he explained himself and we made peace earlier after we met at University ave and had steamy sex at arki

-also meet jake.hot.up, i was resting at fine arts when he saw me. we had a fleeting encounter and found out he lost his phone thats why we lost contact. finally able to ask for his new contact but i saved a wrong number. ano ba yan.. was about to invite for dinner sana.

-basking the sunrise and just savour its warmth and glow on my skin.

-then meet uro.. theres someone sitting at the spot near the tennis court where we will do outdoor sex. we waited but the person keeps on going back. so we talked. this is the longest convo we had. we went to CBA but a maintenance is sweeping the area. so i brought him at the parking area across the church and it was intense. we had video which shows how handsome and juicy his dick is.

01/09

-went to marikina riverbanks at 3am and just marvel the scenery and the fresh morning dew after the rain.

-was invited for partee of which i thought a one on one and later i know there are lots of them. the host was a retokada guy so he looks like he can grace a magazine cover. first time to try ghb (liquid form) then

met this soriano guy, a makeup artist who makes me feel at home with his music and i just play silly romancing like a couple. he even sort of make ligaw and propose if we could be together.. but that doesnt works. 

of course my horniness takes over and that entails having sex with multiple guys. but tbh i really don't feel horny, its just that my association of this recreational drugs is just sex sex sex. because thats what i was exposed to. good thing the host and most of the attendees are so welcoming and friendly. 

-but it doesnt give me that certain rush of a high. its just lazing and just enjoy the music and hugs from everyone..it was fun and im not sure if i will rejoin them again. im good with that first and last time encounter.

01/08

-today i realized, that all this lingering days, weeks months, is just about hibernating. i am gearing for an action packed season to come.

01/07

-jairus came over right after midnight. he is kinda drunk and we make love. we do bareback. first time he is all the way, as we kissed intensely and he came inside me. jokingly or it might be, we are "officially" exclusive

-lets see how long this madness would lasts

-i have this client who just lost his wife. one thing thats struck me when he said in his teary voice about he rather have his wife than the death claim money.

how i wish someone can say that to me at our old age.

01/06

-wfh is kindof uneventful i even dont have the energy to walk or jog around. i felt lazy and got magnetized to my bed. 

01/05

-work at dagitab area in UP. then had yoga. just savour the beautiful morning in the middle of the field with the migrant white storks

-went to cubao with cari for breakfast, derma and massage. its a great gurl bonding.

-felt tired but so renewed

01/04

-im on week quarantine so im wfh for the week as there was. a suspected case in the office

-continue with Emily in paris s2 

-im starting to take it slow again and just savour the sunlight and crispy air.. embracing sensuality 

-still loving abudabu kebab ghafgazi with romain lettuce and cucumber.. what a meal.

01/03

-ugghh.. monday.

and it feels like the long holiday which is not long at all, (since we have work in between) is over.

i really pray that in the future, holiday is also vacation which also means no work for atleast 2 weeks.

-saw jake i thought he will be on for steamy encounter just like our last which i still couldn't forget how we ripped off the condom and he came inside me. but we just some greetings and able to hug him with a kiss on the neck

-had my 1st (3x) sex this year, not so remarkable but it doesnt have to be. and im so over and enough with "firsts"

-emily in paris s2 marathon and it kinda gives me the surge of excitement to look forward this coming months ahead.

01/02

-i feel terrible and its like darkest hour. since because its also the last wanning night.

-as if nothing works for me even meeting with someone i should be meeting. i end up grumpy, walkerd out on people who looks far frm their profile and blocked a lot of profiles in gr.

01/01

- watched dont look up per chais recomendation and last chirstmas thays says "look up"