04/2022

04/30-31

-went to pasay sortie

-had a great time and seen vp leni in the flesh for the first time.

04/29

-went to russ place and had dinner with cowrie, his Japanese housemate, lem, pat and gunther (Pat's parner)

it was really great and had so much fun

04/26

-i havent updated my journal since april 15

-i had so many events and i felt i never get grounded yet

-i had this annual heavy rain bathing.. i just had it and went around UP ikot.. wonderful wonderful refreshing.. the rain is so heavy that it turns zero visibility.. nung tumila na went to this mango tree near beta way and had this 2 awesome mangoes.. felt blessed

04/25

-salubong the bday of carri with josh and justine manalo

-amazing food

-we had sangria

-acapella videoke and gigi de lana music trip

april 23

- attended Pasay rally, arawna10, a bday celebration for mommey Leni

april 20

-met danao guy.. he reminds me of matteo guidicelli. its a wonderful 1 hour break.. i suppose to meet him in bantayan island but we are both wasted

april 15

-i always get excited and im fully awake everytime i travel north. looking outside my bus window just give me that certain joy.. maybe because its always means im going home

-passing by catmon always puts me in awe. just beautiful seaside that once visited my dream. i also wish i can have a resthouse by the cliff by beach 

-passed by emi, that road up to the mountains between sogod and borbon.

04/14

-went to celestial gardens. i remember vera Thomas and russ. its been years since i got there

-meet again with perpetual guy. gosh its our third and this time i got to smack him. might be falling for him 😅 as always making love with him his intense and hot. he is super gwapo and yummy. amazingly and surprisingly he is the only guy for the entirety of my stay in cebu. does it mean im now ready to simply stick to one?

04/13

-pink Wednesday

-went to ayala cebu just to have coffee st leonas and to have their cake

-as always i just enjoy simply the food that i crave here in my childhood neighborhood: lechon, kasag, anitas, puso, sinugbang isda

04/12

-meet with perpetual guy, for the 2nd twice. as always, the best sexual experience with him. whole total package: hunk, hung and hummy..

-finally meet up with chai.. like FINALLY. and what better place to catch is in cebu?! (ayo2x cafe in guadalupe)

04/11

-walk in the rain at my birth place in Cebu! just wonderful i can feel and see goosebumps on my skin

-gosh! had a super steamy encounter with a jock in perpetual sucour he is hunk and hung.. im super lucky

04/10

-left my charger at pasig and bond with mama via pedicure. if going way towards man is through his stomac, this is my mama's weakness. i tried convincing her my political agenda, but such happiness when she said she is for Leni.. 

-flight frm manila to cebu. theres an ongoing storm. stayed at the airport overnight.

04/09

-took off this time and just simply lighted a candle, blue sage and a black incense given by chai... had my room filled with gratitude and serenity

-then darryl messaged me and drop by, gosh he is ripped and muscular for a 21 year old guy. he said he is working out in the gym. as usual we had this steamy sex and body worshiped him. 

-ordered curry and Parmesan chicken and some spicy burger plus bbngka basque and shared some with miumiu.. not bad for an early part of my bday.. will sleep and lets see what tomorrow brings

-spent my bday at pasig with family.. i guess this one is one of our family bonding as john and leanne will move back to cebu. awesome moment specially with papa, karaoke and sang with him. that certain endearment that we have cherished through the years. 

-brought jolibee of which my pamangkin xinxim immensely enjoy. they will be moving to cebu in few weeks time. it makes me kinda sad 

04-08

-im still afloat with the recent travel of which i felt exhausted and refreshed but since i have work, i really have to prioritize sleep and nothing else

-finished karla reads the classic' the catcher in the rye on Spotify and its weird i have a complete memory of it from the past when i read way back in highschool

-then now starting on to kill a Mockingbird

-brought my pasalubong to rhoda, jerwin and carri for the moron and the tableya of which i personally love as well.

-pamper myself with facial and massage

 

04/05-07

-needed rest

04/04

-so im walking here at the bay blvd in Tacloban and i cant get over the scene i had with this ultimate handsome guy. it wasnt that perfect since it was awkward, movie like scene as he passed by with his posh pick up, he is kind of unclear so i tried to brush him off. but he persisted even have to steer back towards me. he is a rich kid handsome guy.. hoppen in in his car, and when i groped him he is already hard. sucked him all the way from his balls to his nipples. and then kissed him. gawd that was so hot and he is so gwapo.. he is rock hard and i could only wish i could sit on him.. kissed him more and i love the taste of his mouth even if he tasted of beer and cigarette.. i kissed him torridly and when he is about to come i got back to his dick and swallow him all through out. i felt so lucky.. have to go as my motor driver is already waiting, i should have asked for his number.. our parting is awkward but it was so fucking memorable.. 

04/03

-

04/02

-woke up in biri

-meet tina and we went to macarite island to visit their community

-went to this beach where the waves so strong and the sea bed is made out of rocks and sea weeds.. it made me feel this cold fear again of the unkown waters

-lost my 2k worth of arena goggles.. this gain and lost something theme is coming back

-its cloudy and rainy but had a glimpse of sunset. had a overw

-went videoke with shawi and max

-had my first gay pay for the very first time, since this time i technically payed for it. although im oppose with the idea of it since i have this principle of not going for it up until im no longer saleable and palatable to guys.. but this is the provincial tradition and these guys are fucking straight. supposedly with ronald who captivates my fancy (manly, buffed, boys of summer charm) but due to some circumstances we are not able to meet him again . so i end up with this tall gorgeous guy with a surprisingly a grower. i came while he gagged me with his huge dick, fuck me from behind and then came into my mouth.

04/01

-woke up at catarman and then traveled to allen

-had lobsters for the first time

-met shawi, max close friend and she is wonderful.

-stay right across the rock formation. tourism is not yet on its peak so we had the whole place to ourselves. we had dinner at LJ hotel with sumptuous meals. drink with the locals and had this moment with a 19 year old kid. just treat him with kindness.

International Day of Pink

Growing up, I cannot remember if I am bullied or if I have ever been bullied. Because if I were, then it never affected me at all since my parents are compassionate enough to accept me and I stand for who I am even when I am still a child.

There would be no instances of bullying if there is no bully and being a bully can be prevented through good parenting. 

We should guide our children how to practice the art of acceptance.  To properly foster understanding and let them appreciate the beauty in diversity.

New World

 https://vimeo.com/666185457

watched the live streaming with Russ.

while we are drowned with sonic and visual treat, my inner exaltation leads me to conclude that this will be my anthem at the very moment of my passing.

03/2022

03/31

-trip to samar to visit max

03/25-30

-everyday im missing det and just got myself distracted with political campaigns but its not healthy.. im still in a wreck

will definitely have clarity soon

03/24

-had my tetanus booster shot and syph test

-

03/23

-had a steamy encounter with a cute hairy guy who also have fetish to be sniffed. i love his armpits and he breed on me

03/22

-UP campus is filled with snowlife cotton balls . i wanna take a picture of it but my ohone is dead.. i usually fail to shoot something magical.. but what i did is just simply breath in it, be with it and experience in actuality.

03/21

-woke up at park chateau

-breakfast at emeralds and see the night after leni

-went to lifehomes and had breakfast with my sister and laws, mamu and the kids.. xin2x and avy

03/20

-ortigas lenie sortie

-just tired.. can no longer stand it. went to metrowalk for a drink. then found comida.. kind if reminds me of rapture. its 

03/19

-Det is no longer responding

-met jake.UP

-also meet Rick 

-kindo of fucked off kinda day

-the day is so confusive for sleeping.. just want to sleep sll day

03/18

-russ' bday.. did not reached out to him but he is always on my thoughts

-i just cant post another pics from the past that has been recycled again and again, if its like a chicken broth, i dont want to present an essence less chicken fiber.

-full moon, most times it excites but sometimes it drains the sanity in me.. laze down the whole day starting yesterday.

-watched memoria and still got mesmerized by tilda

03/17

-ugghh finally, was able to watched "the worst person in the world" online 😅

i've been waiting for this since last quarter of last year. just like trying to set an appointment on DFA's website, ive tried again and again.. again and again day after day.. weeks months until google search provided me the ideal link head on. 

yes i kept on revisiting and scouring for links for a free clear copy since this is not available in local cinemas yet (as far as im aware of) and holly molly just landed a streaming page which bombards me with 25 auto blocked pages.. but its worth it! im screaaaminGgGG!!!

..

this is a kind of an encounter when you dont have an immediate friend to talk to and you find this film which sort of telling you, "hey i understand you since you understand me.. i speak your truth." (omygehd have i just had this imaginary conversation with the film now..?) as i feel what it feels and it feels what i feel.. eh? ahaha basta yun na yurn..

so, im digging this. i want this as a back to back fucked up movie with umi ishihara's the garden apartment

03/15

-declutter my room as i see it as being devastated by a storm. just like my emotional state with Det. such a relief when i somehow cleared the mess and took a bath and have some warm cacao. self compassion is such a great healer.

-watched the rain outside my window, it is comforting to see it soothes the parched land

03/14

-woke up with an email that i have class with doc dayang. i felt a surge of hope and excitement with my teaching career in the future.. i hope can make it in due course.

-was able to accomplish my passport renewal. FINALLY. its been days weeks months since i tried making an appointment then there was this fire at robinsons magnolia, im glad DFA was not affected.

-im feeling low ever since det is no longer responding back to my msgs

-i dunno, i kind of attached to him already.

03/13

-just finished watching the theory of everything

i had this head ache from over sleeping

-well i can only blame it to the weather.. it just start raining after long dry spell

after several years since the pandemic, ive zorro again

-meet uro once again, deym he is totally hot and sexy. he is buffed and all that from working out. he brought me to a rooftop. where we did our usual steamy encounter and he took a video. i cum immensely and he came all over my face. another hot encounter with him.

03/11,12

-kept on thinking about det... 

03/10

-morning walk and really had an intense colors yet gentle morning sunshine at sunken garden

-im having insomnia episode

-i wanna see horror film sana then watched howie severeno's multo ng kasaysayan

-its disturbing and to ground me went through gardening and be at peace with my newly sprout mongo seeds and listen to olafur arnalds live performance in Sydney opera House.. it was emotional.

-after centuries of unable to compose, i got a new poetry entry:

http://hotmug.blogspot.com/2022/03/empty.html?m=1

-Dets words ringing in my mind: you cannot explain but you would be able to understand

03/09

-bond with carri at rals

-kinda drunk but got an email from sir amos and doc dayang and got hopeful for finishing my thesis and pray make it this year.. sent them responses and maam may as well.. praying to God hope all will be all well..

03/08

-saw dether once more, came to his house.. i greatly missed him. he never knew how guba broken i was without him. but for some reason i felt weird. i kinda want to hand over him a note saying: i dont feel something special about u anymore.. just like what arturo just msged me. but this time it was me giving out to someone else. i dunno. but when i hugged him and touch his hair, i like him. i dunno. i tried making it a better day and wont define it in any way.

03/07

-call mamu as i got disturbed with my massage encounter at the blind massage center where a woman scream and cried as she felt violated, told mamu what i remembered with the scream and together we pray for them. hope all is well.

03/04-6

-was suppose to have dether come over at my place. i went through this major cleaning, did my laundry to have my bed sheet fresh, transplant indoor plants and all and then, 

he cant make it. 

he needs me time from being overworked from site. i felt wrecked.. well i cant blame him although i felt down but thats the way it is. i let my maturity sinked into me and just simply say that all those preparation is for my own fix. so im good. i also went through me time at marikina early in the morning and visit jardin ni lola for the first time. it was beautiful.

03/01-03

-moments of which i stayed in bed and just let my mind wander.

03/31/2022

03/31/22

finally had my passport renewed.. its funny when every time i had my photo taken for govt issued IDs i always have tyra banks' voice in my head: "think about murder" 😅

i could only wish what i have in my hand is a black passport.. applying for visa for a certain foreign country is such a pain in the @$$

now i wonder.. kelan kaya tayo magiging 1st world? how can we free ourselves from the stigma associated of being a citizen of a third world country? ewan.. i thought it was all in my mind but no.. it is indeed happening..

this didn't dawn on me until i got here in the city. as an islander, i don't have those concepts and i consider my hometown as a paradise and paradise has no effin ranking/category  if its 1st 2nd or 3rd. Realizing that we are in a 3rd world country makes me feel what Giselle felt in the film Enchanted, when she learned the word and actualizing the feeling of "anger", for the first time.

traveling for me is a weapon to kill. the thrill to kill. to kill "overthinking". specially if those thoughts were shoved into your head without legitimate reference and being fact checked. What better way to kill those voices by drowning them with the thought of you snorkeling or free diving in a deep sea ocean. 

that's why starting today. i will do this 3 day social media detox (fb, twitter and even email) and head towards eastern coast. right at the pacific. have this temporary bliss of escaping both the virtual realities of our society and physical realms of what it is to live in a "developing country"--- escaping the filthy smoke and unbearable stench of livelihood, i want to leave any trace of urban living, the once virtual community which now becoming a digitally chaotic society and, the f### of it.

pause

turn off

reset

just like my expired passport, there's a need for me to be renewed.

"empty"

reaching out to you

with weathered hands

made of withered veins

up to my chest, 

up to my throat

running out of breath

lungs full of dusts

pinned on bed

but already

already but not yet

crossed out

seems to be 

you tried to drill me out

but too late, 

i already passed out

quick drying cement

im stuck, with no choice 

but be burnt 

with gasoline

got to hurry, 

for there should be, 

or would be, 

would it be?

a grand show?

or there's no need to flow

let go

there's no time

to get buried

we are no longer in touch

(in and.out();

worktask.communication.execute();

ex.communication

if (waiting=="empty")

unsure with awkward glance

slowly, fading 

humming away

further, and further away

the final passing of the violin

the last whisper of the flute

the last key

the last note:

"I understand your decision. 

But I am here, sitting in front of you, 

telling you to reconsider."

a means to an end

02/2022

02/28

-sensing the summer that is coming. i can still feel the coldness of air and the piercing of sunlight. its as if im in the middle of estuary where saltwater meets freshwater

02/27

-now lang medyo bumalik mag align body and soul ko.. sobrang intense ng session ko with saeed.

-i cried with the realization that saeed was always been my crush for 5 years. and that moment with him in his arms was the best moment i could ask for.. but there are things that are not meant to be. and each of our hearts desire will always remain a mystery.

-watched spiderman with Det

-we had dinner sa isawan just across simbahan, we are the last customer. he lost his key we found it

-first time i show him inside my room. 

02/26

-sobrang taas ko pa putah. 

02/25

-continue catcher and the rye at spotify, 

02/19-21

-lobo batangas with team sakalam 

joshua's place

punta verde

karaoke

1st time to kayak and see the amazing marine sanctuary just across joshuas place.. amazing

indeed lobo is the center of the marine ecosystems

saw amazing creatures even by the end skirts of the shore 

02/18

-det prepared dinner, amazingly he is a creative cook. dozed off in his arms and got awaken by an alarm for work that night. i wish this could lasts. was on time in the office, on time.. its the sweetest thing.

02/17

-found this catcher in the rye being read at spotify, i can even hear the flipping of the pages. such a way to revisit an old book that i read in highschool.

-det is sending this cute pic of his of which i found him so gwapo. bakit ako nakikilig? eeehhhh 🤭

02/15-16

waking up happy to see det and i were now in msgr.. he even bought me a coffee.. ahaha

02/14

-past midnight when i wake up. saw det texted me few hrs ago, but it appears he is already asleep.

-also replied to carri but she seems to be asleep as well

-then darryl msged me and came over at my place. the traces of "im too young but im over worked and have so much responsibilities" is now too prominent. treated him with care and affection. massaged him and for the first time he slept in my room

-as much as i would like to fall for darryl but im not so sure of him.. im not sure if he is the right match.

02/14 part 2

-then here comes dether..

i never felt so kilig like this for a long period of time.. i asked him for a dinner date and he said yes.

when was the last time i went for a date whom i really like, 2018? gosh, that was 4 years ago.. and im having this jitters while preparing or dressing up for our 1st dinner date... ahaha

-we met at technohub and we dine at kenny's.. it went well and we had so.much to talk about.. i feel at ease with him and i find him intellectually and emotionally intelligent.. so i guess he is a better match

-we had a walk around technohub and show him my favorite spots

-then we also went to macauimperial and we walk along University ave.. we pause for a breather at my favorite tree where he we lay down and he played jeff buckley's "lilac wine"

-since i still have work that night, we part ways after seeing the oblation.. it was a sweet night.

02/13

-had breakfast with Det then watched rupaul all star s.16? and as usual on his 4th orgasm thats when i got to go

-went to pasig and spend quality time with mama, we had pedicure and had her hair done. and finally was able to teach how to prepare golden latte for her knee. we also walk towards yakal street and have this usuall halo2x it was a nice bonding even tho her heart was bleeding because of my siblings substance issue. gave her some advice how to deal with it. and im glad she let it all out and that alone can ease her suffering..

-watched the house of gucci with my sister in laws however im so sleepy so i have to go home.

02/12

-spent time with Det

we ordered pizza and pasta frm friuli and brought him the wine and rib eye steak. we tried to watch lu over the water but we got drowsi because of the wine and made love 😅

02/11

-i usually spend my mornings along University ave and this time, i dont cruise so much anymore and dont open grindr .. given that im always with Det and i want to respect what i have with him.

-my eksena at the University ave is just to simply walk and do simple workout, order foodpanda and eat under the tree. its a great welcoming for summer.

02/10

-watched dance of the 41.. Alfonso Herrera is so gwapo noh?! but her wife's character is so heavy and well played.. i am so impressed

-have not attanded spring film this year, so to commemorate i watched zang Ziyi and eddie peng short:

https://youtu.be/mNucIO9bfIA

02/09

-rewatched pale moon

-listen to chai's gusting in a podcast

https://open.spotify.com/episode/5DvYOl49dkB8vxdKYbTNO8?si=9XRQNX5hRjuu7Z4FgWh6hQ&utm_source=copy-link

-zain is inviting me over to bora, his invitation is so tempting but as usual, he is always a douche as he want me to bring over some item of which puts me in total danger. he is stupid. gago talaga.

02/08

-just sleep and rest well

without thinking of anything that bothers me.

tried not thinking of:

presidential polls

advising for this sem

substitution process

-just complete surrender

-im kind of torn between jake, vlad and dether as my ultimate lover. but tbh i am more drawn to dether. 

02-5,6.7

-stayed at dether, the guy from romblon.. we watched "Luca" and Adeles concert at Griffith observatory. i felt ive been with him for three days or even more 😅

just cuddling and love making.

02/04

-work and academe stress

-also went to ortigas to visit one corp center only to find out my previous employer already shut down

-went to memory lane along emerald street

-drinking session with carri after shift. it was a nice session

02/03

-meet deter, an engineer from Western Visayas and gosh hes only 22 and he is so hot. its one of those romantic encounter and not just sex. but i dunno where this leads to

-also meet Vlad the stylist, he is now in nova.. he just moved there so i brought him some food and we do house warming.. literally 😅

02/02

-my four day weekend has come to an end and i am so wasted.

-now i dunno if i felt recharged to get back to work and also my enrollment.

-have system issue

02/01

-im still super horny with jade and suppusedly have sex with doc albert but he happed to have a nose job and penile surgery. so what we did is just sleep together 😅

- was able to attain 10 hr sleep.

-still felt my long weekend is boring as no chance of traveling or head out of town.

-supposedly just sleep or spend time with maxman but it turned out to be pnp with him.. it wasnt as intense as the first but we had joy ride in the middle of the night and just body charge with him

01/2022

01/31

-just take a rest and savor my long weekend 

01/30

-pnp with jade since the one i have scheduled with saeed did not push through

-one of the best moment with him as he came inside me. and he is so hot and still so buffed.

01/29

-meet daryl and have our usual stay at my place.. we had dinner and tried watching ponyo

had a great time with him

01/25

-finally able to sleep and attain 10 hrs.. after more than a week worth of anxiety frm zee, and partee. i felt renewed and energized. pwede na makipagsapalaran ulit. ahaha

01/24

parteed til mid day

met this hung filchi guy who is so hard. had a great time with him. he is so good and huge, i would say i still love saeed pero walang sinabi si saeed sa pagka tigasin neto, i still dont know or dont wanna know his name, i will have him nick named maxman for now.

01/23

-finally my order frm zee got delivered. after reported his account as scam. now he know whos the boss

01/22

-quality time with family

we watched the Jessica soho interview for the Presidential candidates

and then watched "The Life of David Gale" as per Lacson's recommendation

-bonding with mama papa, my brothers and sister and laws and my pamangkins...its a heart warming weekend

1/20

-insomnia hits for several days now me as i ordered something from zee and its still not being delivered. but let him know that how i am bad with sending out karma so that alone wont lead our transaction into a scam. i spent almost 5k

-relisten to drive my car and scherehezide by murakami in man without woman as im now in the middle of the film which i watched in installment.

the part that moves me was with sonya, the mute audition and then tatsuke's confession with kafuku about examining your own heart.

01/19

-watched a girl and a guy by erik matti and now drawn more and more to baguio

-digged into the ransom collective and play traces on the loop

01/18

-revisit my pics from sinulog from previous years...my last was in 2019

-wfh and just enjoy my meal from ababu.. the ghafghazi was sold out so settled with their tenderloin and liver which is still, heaven.

01/17

-met vlad, a stylist and he's hot. and found a good connection with him. its sort of arturo kind of level where we made love multiple times in a night (he came 3x while me 2x) then another 1 in the morning. Gosh

but might consider him as an ultimate fubu rather than me keep on having different guys. i am considering an connection rather than just mere body friction.

1/16

one of my lucky days arrived. met this hunk celebrity looking guy with 7" dick.. gehd.. sarap talaga putah.. and i love his smell. consume his cum

all the while we do it we have the elite sound track playing

heres how i remember him:

https://open.spotify.com/track/5ugp0EWSi2V3Jhc3x2cVsg?si=qZ9yeJMRSAejAYXu9ZTsZw&utm_source=copy-link

01/15

-my four day long weekend is so uneventful so visited pasig and spend time with family. massage with mamu and then sing along with papa. really had quality time with fam

-still got horny and was looking for a partee session. kaso ang hirap maka kita ng magandang tiempo

01/14

-got susepended due to not wearing faceshield and improper wearing face mask in the office. making my long weekend even longer.

-was planning to go down south to masasa puerto galera with carri but travel restrictions get ahead of us. slept the entire day

01/13

-few days ago, this movie makes paramdam:

drive my car

and realized it was just murakamis bday. try to watch the film based on his man without woman collection

01/12

-i just a killed a mice. and i felt like a murderer . i can feel a sudden cold blood creeps in my veins and with such intensity.. gosh.. i never felt so guilty but with less remorse.. since its been days it cuts my sleep and causes me insomnia as it gnaws on my food wrapers and everything.. so i just cant help but find a way to kill it. but the thing is, it has a sibling.. it might take revenge as my mother told me.. i even wash my hands thoroughly and all the traces of blood just like in the movies.. im kinda afraid or even wanted to find a way to terminate it as well 

01/11

-had a long conversation with max via messenger and its been a while since the last time.. im so impressed with her achievements even if she wasnt able to renew her contract as a town nurse. 

-had this intense pungent smell of flowering tree which i believe is mango. i usually only passed by this kind of smell but for couple of years, its just outside my window. just lovely.

-for some reason, i didnt feel depress or down due to extacy and liquid g overdoses. my diet helps a lot which consist of omega3 rich power source such as salmon and galunggung.. then i also haf cacao and banana.. replinishing it is

01/10

-had a bad hangover frm parteeing last night. felt awful and embarrassed. which is normal and common. needed some grounding and replenish my serotonin. so prepared myself a hot mocha and rewatch bjork orkestral concert no. 2. i feel better now.

-had a love/hate/sex encounter with knl guy. i was still angry at him when he stood me up last time but he explained himself and we made peace earlier after we met at University ave and had steamy sex at arki

-also meet jake.hot.up, i was resting at fine arts when he saw me. we had a fleeting encounter and found out he lost his phone thats why we lost contact. finally able to ask for his new contact but i saved a wrong number. ano ba yan.. was about to invite for dinner sana.

-basking the sunrise and just savour its warmth and glow on my skin.

-then meet uro.. theres someone sitting at the spot near the tennis court where we will do outdoor sex. we waited but the person keeps on going back. so we talked. this is the longest convo we had. we went to CBA but a maintenance is sweeping the area. so i brought him at the parking area across the church and it was intense. we had video which shows how handsome and juicy his dick is.

01/09

-went to marikina riverbanks at 3am and just marvel the scenery and the fresh morning dew after the rain.

-was invited for partee of which i thought a one on one and later i know there are lots of them. the host was a retokada guy so he looks like he can grace a magazine cover. first time to try ghb (liquid form) then

met this soriano guy, a makeup artist who makes me feel at home with his music and i just play silly romancing like a couple. he even sort of make ligaw and propose if we could be together.. but that doesnt works. 

of course my horniness takes over and that entails having sex with multiple guys. but tbh i really don't feel horny, its just that my association of this recreational drugs is just sex sex sex. because thats what i was exposed to. good thing the host and most of the attendees are so welcoming and friendly. 

-but it doesnt give me that certain rush of a high. its just lazing and just enjoy the music and hugs from everyone..it was fun and im not sure if i will rejoin them again. im good with that first and last time encounter.

01/08

-today i realized, that all this lingering days, weeks months, is just about hibernating. i am gearing for an action packed season to come.

01/07

-jairus came over right after midnight. he is kinda drunk and we make love. we do bareback. first time he is all the way, as we kissed intensely and he came inside me. jokingly or it might be, we are "officially" exclusive

-lets see how long this madness would lasts

-i have this client who just lost his wife. one thing thats struck me when he said in his teary voice about he rather have his wife than the death claim money.

how i wish someone can say that to me at our old age.

01/06

-wfh is kindof uneventful i even dont have the energy to walk or jog around. i felt lazy and got magnetized to my bed. 

01/05

-work at dagitab area in UP. then had yoga. just savour the beautiful morning in the middle of the field with the migrant white storks

-went to cubao with cari for breakfast, derma and massage. its a great gurl bonding.

-felt tired but so renewed

01/04

-im on week quarantine so im wfh for the week as there was. a suspected case in the office

-continue with Emily in paris s2 

-im starting to take it slow again and just savour the sunlight and crispy air.. embracing sensuality 

-still loving abudabu kebab ghafgazi with romain lettuce and cucumber.. what a meal.

01/03

-ugghh.. monday.

and it feels like the long holiday which is not long at all, (since we have work in between) is over.

i really pray that in the future, holiday is also vacation which also means no work for atleast 2 weeks.

-saw jake i thought he will be on for steamy encounter just like our last which i still couldn't forget how we ripped off the condom and he came inside me. but we just some greetings and able to hug him with a kiss on the neck

-had my 1st (3x) sex this year, not so remarkable but it doesnt have to be. and im so over and enough with "firsts"

-emily in paris s2 marathon and it kinda gives me the surge of excitement to look forward this coming months ahead.

01/02

-i feel terrible and its like darkest hour. since because its also the last wanning night.

-as if nothing works for me even meeting with someone i should be meeting. i end up grumpy, walkerd out on people who looks far frm their profile and blocked a lot of profiles in gr.

01/01

- watched dont look up per chais recomendation and last chirstmas thays says "look up"

12/2021

12/31

-as usual, we have work at new years eve and as usual. i dont give a damn about work. just logged in and went to chai's place to celebrate new year.. ahaha its a very joyful new year indeed:

chai's post

12/29-30

-felt burnt out with work

-took the holiday and just do nothing.. i really have to follow the waning phase

-luckily, i kinda break my dry spell..finally have 3 huge encounters and third one is awesome. his upper face looks like edward. so i guess this will tide me by til new year 😅

-saeed msge frm gr.. i dunno why he was able to looked me up.

12/28

-got series of not so frustrating encounters.. alam mo yung anjan na kso di matuloy tuloy. 

example dyei frm marikina

then i also had this encounter with tchinto tall guy i already able to taste his hardness kaso maraming tao, then now moreno buff from alabang kaso tapos na sya i was too late but atleast was able to smell his yummy armpits.. then my ultimate cruise buddy na happens to be frm argao but its already his 2nd round frm someone who already sucked him. gosh.. ewan.. i can get no satisfaction is envading my being

12/26

-was suppose to meet dyei.marikina for the 2nd time, di tuloy ulit 😅

-saw jake.hot along the way as always he so hot but cant seems to catch him up. was all dressep up and all.. 

-so i went to sm north which is a wrong move the place was so crowded at hirap sumakay

-so i take my time enjoying my new coat, have hot choco and pan au chocolate at nords and then spend my sodexhos! i eve earned 8k plus some were given yo Jess and leanes as gift. some remaining were supposedly for crocs.. but the one is love is out of stock..so i had a matching brown merrill hydro moc and frebilla. 

-was stuck at sakayan so spent some sakayan at padis sm north where there was this amazing soloist had two beers. got an invite 

12/25

-its weird as how i see this day as another long weekend. i just simply need to hit that reset button with just everything, work, friends, colleagues and even loved ones.

-just spent it over bukage and was craving for this tempura and spam roll.

-was suppose to me dyei from marikina but iguess.my down time with sex and flings is still ongoing. 

-im not expecting this day to be that eventful anyway, just peace and quite.

and then..

-went to h&m and found this wonderful coat. price tag: almost 2k.. i danced with it to test it and its a perfect fit. 😅 never felt so elated for a random shopping. then have coffee at jco. today i spent:

440 muragami meal set

2000 coat

210 jco

total 2650

-then biker.game msged so we met and did it across by the church it was a steamy hot encounter. we tried doing it late September but we just did it.

-then jairus also msge and i now see him as a young adult who is overworked and underpayed. with a lot of responsibilities. i cant help showering him with kindness and care. treat him with goodies, massage and great love making.. that was an ultimate gift i can give.. and his happiness is priceless. 

12/24

-excited for the xmas eve but again, i dont want to set high expectations.. i dont wanna be burnt out this Holidays

-went to UP church and able to hear the choir singing and a short msge frm the parish priest about the lights.. we were bombarded with xmas lights and well lighted lanterns in comparison to cebu who doesnt have even an electricity.. its really about being thankful and know that there are even much worst situation out there.

i was about to say, wala parin akong jowa but fine, no complaints 😅🤣😭

-slept well and headed pasig at my Brothers' place to be with the fam. had a great time enjoying their company over good food, some singing, listening to xmas songs and to hear our laughters.

-when the clock hit midnight, we had so much fun hugging and cheering everyone.

-suppose to meet with TJ, the one im talking with for the past few days but it didnt happen. i thought i will sleep over at his place since hes just around lifehomes.

12/21-23

-my days are uneventful, i dedicated my days in sleeping and quality rest. just recently i found im waning moon baby and i really have the intention for downtime.

-realized i didnt make it to siargao for my supposedly 1 month stay there because of Typhon Odette

-my timeline is depressing with calamity pics even my work got affected, i cant focus and i got annoyed easily.

-just take my time and enjoy as much as i can, try to be gentle and kind.

12/20

-my brother John's bday with my sister and law Jess bday celebration at max's galeria , im genuinely happy with my family even with been through a lot of harship but somehow we are together and spent quality time together.. i am so filled with love with my parents, my brothers, sister and laws and pamangkins.

12/19

-watched minsan lang kita iibin and was fully impressed with Maricel Soriano's performance.. also ricky Lee's scripts are so superb as he able to capture time and essence of ones character in a short and no fuss dialogue.

-down time and focus on my flow

-spent time with family and watched stonehearst asylum and was inspired with the idea of having someone being posessed with your beauty even in the midst of madness

12/18

-felt like im glowing

-saw francis earlier but this time i manage not to stare at him..i felt im getting over him

-meet and have sex with jairus again but he seems to be mistrustful. found out he already have a child at the age of 21?

-met jake.hot.philcoa it was a nice dawn, it just rained last night and its great time for love making with this hot yummy guy

-done yoga and meditation at beta way.

-i smelling things around me as if its my early teen years.. the air is so pungent with excitement and love

-i never felt to sensual for a long time.

-had facial and massage. if i had sir mike as my fave masseur i have carla as my new faveasseuse. felt super renewed.

12/15-17

-super busy with work but im enjoying it. my metrics are doing well and im shining in our scorecards.

-able to meet guys that are 14 years younger than me and i felt im such a hot cougar 😅

12/14

-was looking for the film where maricel said: "walang magbabagong taon" and the film soltera pops up and before i knew it it was for a different film..

but i was super blown by the film and finished it with such mentoring.. its kinda weird how bjork once said something to this effect that you wont have a constant friend who could relate to you but u can find a film to watch and it speaks ur truth.

12/13

watched caution, lust back to back, first with the subtitle and then the next without.. such msge conveyed simply with their expression and internsity of their raw emotions.

12/12

-lazed at kens place with his niece and her chihuahua named bella

12/11

-met up with ken after years of not seing each other gave him a gift: plant and monogatori lube that is intended for his personal use and end up using it with me.

12/10

-i practiced internal journey once again. i took 2 caps of glutharhion and washed it with lemon water with green tea. infused myself with the mist of cinnamon bark, star anis and sibukaw.

my airways cleared and i felt im sort of washing my lungs clean.

with heavy and still breathing.. series of images went through me.. i was able to pinched images of francis.Up and unggoy like tiny tidbit then remove them away like boogers.. and then recover images of my real lovers e.g. julio and gerald and how they made me happy.. also for those people whom i made happy: arturo and francis and for those people i might hurt but they intend to make me happy: lem and the ramp model who gave me a guitar.

and then ultimately i hugged myself with such kindness and compassion that i felt as if im with myself again after a long time..

it was pure happiness that lingers in and out.. every inhale and exhale.

not wanting anything more. a contented smile sealed my whole being. i stayed for that moment as long as i could.

12/09

-watched Ang Lee's Lust, Caution. what a wonderful masterpiece. i am so drawn to it the entire time and i could reflect to Tai taimai's character. just tragically beautiful.

12/08

-totally not intouched with myself nowadays

-listen to a podcast that somehow validate what i am going:

https://open.spotify.com/episode/38mOe3pue7BDo88qW35GC7?si=CWzHAav_TmGmjkrp5USglw&utm_source=copy-link

-was able to pinpoint my ego is the one hurting and not my feelings. and i have to drop my ego

https://open.spotify.com/episode/45s2jJLezIdAzjazdlldHq?si=kVYjR2qDQTeeA158MG7PcA&utm_source=copy-link

-i tried re aligning my patterns: constantly going to the university ave to cruise

but i just cant help it. boredom and loneliness strikes me and thats the only way to divert it. had moment with this 5'10 guy his name is joseph? i dunno not really into him but i had great connection with him and we had great foreplay and luvmaking. atleast my feelings for francis and unggoy is somehow subsiding.

12/07

-we got system issue with amazon work services.. bond with my team mates and with carri. we had bottles of bottles of heinekin and army navy.

-one memorable moment is when she and i sang karaoke with our mobile device by the pond

12/06

-the weather is so cold that im tempted to to partee n play 

-i also want something to numb my feelings for francis.UP and unggoy. there was this guy whos willing to gv me but there are so.much deal breakers that didnt push me to do it with them. it appears its not my thing anymore.

12/05

-seen francis.Up and all feelings came back. that seed of loneliness and yearning is being sprinkled again. i can feel it regrowing. but i have no choice but to uproot it =(

-also pass by marikina and remembered unggoy as well.. i have this ebe dancels accoustic version on the loop:

 mariposaa

-im feeling terrible

-meet fam and went malling with my pamangkins.. they are my ultimate healer

12/04

-got so many happenings im not able to write them all. life is getting ahead of me.

-was about to go home from my shift and met this chinito guy who looks much of a rich kid. whos only 25 and we had some drinks and went to my place. we watched this mininhorror korean series and we end up having sex. it was a great tandem but im. not sure if it will lasts.

12/01-03

-i just dont know if i got excited with december. before i was constantly excited and i felt everyday is a new day. kind of re organized my old stuff and try to reconnect to my 16 year old self. but it appears to be light years away.

11/2021

11/30

was on a long weekend

-met jairus again and lend him pablo Neruda's book of poetry

11/29

-met katipunan guy, after we spent some time together in my room we talked about films. i have this feeling he is a film major.

then theres this guy whos first time cruising in up, show him how to do a great outdoors experience. he shouldnt forget me.

finally meet jairus who looks like diego loyzaga. after i gave him a massage and sleeping right in my arms, he reminds me of arturo.

11/28

-loneliness keeps on ringing my head since chai's reading and had a very VERY bad bout of it and i searched for a film about loneliness:

Robert Eggers' The lighthouse

watched it and whoa.. it totally blows me in every drop of kerosene. it is mad. 

-am i going mad?

-never sleep well.. im so bothered and so bored. i never felt so unhealthy before

11/27

-2 days, 2 weeks or 2 years its been gone since i felt so isolated? i lost track of everything

11/26

-ang sarap nya putah

alam mo yung mapapasigaw ka sa sarap. hunky body of a atenean and utak UPian.. na suck ko at kinantot ako while i came. goshhh that was so good.

11/25

-spent my Thanksgiving holiday with chai

-i cant erase how chai cried over my cards. as if she reads my script, the actual script of my days or even years. and if i have a heart of chai's it will really tear her apart.

but me as a liyo just sneered but looking at her it is like looking at myself poured with the pure acid of what loneliness and bitterness is.

11/24

-attended avyana's first bday straight from duty.. saw mama and papa and my siblings ang my pamangkins. didnt stay long as i got stressed as they intended a big party and they just started preparing. one time i said to my sister in law that our tradition are much simple and we dont celebrate this much. my mother usually let us go to sto. nino and have one ballon. so having this raucous is way too much for me.

11/23

-did not make it to become an sme. as i expected but i admit it kinda sting.

self help and self compassion once again, read: 

https://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/overcome-rejection-accomplish-goals-deal-with-no-be-more-successful.html

11/22

-had a vivid dream of saeed having sex with someone smaller than me and im there to watch them.. saeed was so huge as if he is 10x bigger than the other guy as just like those computer generated porn. i woke up horny and masturbates with the idea of it.

-i guess my obsession with sex doubled compared before was due to the fact i have no other way of outlet. no travel, no art exhibit, no film festival, no classes. pandemic needs to end

11/21

-i guess sex is really my ultimate distraction. thats why i will always love being fucked. but again and again, something inside of me telling that the only way i. can fully stop this addiction is being romantically me linked to someone but im torn with me not being attached. i dont know. it is what it is now.. i will simply enjoy what is presented to me now rather than wanting that is not there. so fuck it all.

-listen to makinig ka.muna podcast and love ebe dancils advice. 

- i tried watching 2021 cannes film winner titane but i cannot bear it.. i stop it when shes about smashe her face.

-i need sleep. im so worked out

11/19-20

so busy and was so pre occupied with my hosting stint for our quarterly townhall. its my 4th in a row making this as my 1 year hosting in our company's virtual gathering.

-i was so bad ass in cruising and curse those guys who are disturbing me and my playmate.. first time i said "ptang *na nyo, hanap kau ka play".

-i also become so verbal with my playmate me saying gagu sarap mo kumantot.. 

-saw this artistahin in trinoma cinema and even saw him sa cr.. reminds me of a gwapo guy i also encountered before who i end up sucking and being fucked.. if only i didnt have a long day and tired i could have tried my luck. 

-i guess i should dedicate a comple different journal for sex since almost entirely what i write is just about my high libido

11/18

-had 3 encounters the ultimate is seeing ice.luzon again after months of months of not seeing again. he looks much hotter and gwapo tonight. we went to the spot where we had our first encounter. it was wild. to the extend we were totally nnaked except with our footwear under the trees. in the dark with dim moonlight. i came with such strong magnitude

-reunite with EJ and Carri

-got the hype of the upcoming town hall meeting as i will be co hosting the event again for 3 LOBs. it will be my 4th in a row

11/17

-the kush that russ let me try was too intense.. and when i get home i pass by University ave and for some reason im back in the mood for cruising again.. i got fucked by my fubu and then theres was this hunky guy that i really like, the one with the dog.. i met him again at the fine arts gate and gosh i was able to savour his masculinity from his balls to his armpits and to his pre cum.. and he fucked me so frakin hard.. like he shook all the sadness in me.. i guess sex is my ultimate therapy. imagine he is only around 25, at the pinnacle of youth.. while me im at 36, at the pinnacle of being a cougar.. i felt being a lucky cunt/bitch again. i guess im getting back to normal... this is me being normal. horny and not sad.. horny and powerful.. and try not being attached. being attached is putting someone on a pedestal.. and its not meant for me.. 

11/16

-my emergency leave was approved and able to watched the last series of Bjork Orkestral streaming with Russ.

we had kush and vodka tonic.. it was intense.. we also have wonderful dinner.. snacks and movie time:

sjorn's "lamb"

***

salamat ulit mpareh.. medyo bitter sweet sya sakin kasi ngayon lang nag sink in na mag one month tayo nag restropective sa ating ginoa.. at ngayon natapos na.. pero ang ganda sobra.. nagnavigate ulit tayo sa pinaka shiniest spark at mag wawaxing ulit tayo..

"maghimaya ka, mama.."

***

11/15

-later on my reading about budhism they dont really into mariage, in fact they could consider attachment as the base for suffering.. 

-hmmm im aware im in a transition of fully embracing budhism but do i allow myself.to simply float in the ocean of suffering and try to be apathetic.. or drown myself in suffering but in the end swim towards the surface and have a viselceral scream how beautiful pain can be. im in a crossroads.

-i missed to attend papa's bday.. i dunno.. im just so messed up and lifeless.. i might end up like the family disaster i had last feb 14 as i was so bitter to the extend i became so grumpy 

- sad.. really sad.. im so affected with unggoy.. more intense than francis.up as what i expected.. sad as it only lasted less than two months.. of which i felt i was into him for a long time. im back to zero again and again and again.. so i listened to some of these podcast for some self help:

ex-philes ep 61 Broken Picker

ep 39 Getting over a crush

makinig ka muna: when you get dumped in front of your friends.

listening to somebody elses dillema makes me feel im not dealing like this alone. and some of them are even.much worse and intense..

 

11/14

-here we go again. foolish and shaky..love lost and felt jealous. when do i learn? or when could i stop myself frm being hurt! saw unggoy earlier at the riverbanks. 

he didnt return my msges in telegram for two days. then now i saw him there. he told me he went with his friends for a drink and have someone gave him a blowjob. wow.. then why still he come for me? why cant he just simply say im not into you or im not ready? paasa effect. he blew it. its like francis monfort one more time. i felt stupid and angry at the same time. im furious. he is not that tall and he is getting fat anyway.. i blocked him. but how could i forget him. i felt i am 26 again.i fet emotionaly immature. as if i wasted 1 decade of "being single" management of being attached with someone who doesnt really like me that much?

i have this really strong feeling that i have to anchor myself in breathing. thic nhat hanh remind me that this is a storm i have to prepare and just like a tree in a storm i have to hold on to my roots and focus there. doing deep breathing. stomach rising and falling. i am more than my emotion. i have gone through this so i should be able to pass through this

i cried so hard while watching this:

https://youtu.be/dJX8WkKbPf8

relieved and now will practice the art of suffering.

11/10-12

-im at peace and just listened to this podcast

https://cms.megaphone.fm/channel/howto?selected=ATL4663485505

im starting to have an open mind and favors in paliative care than curing of the illness itself.

-im less horny nowadays.. i hope this is not a sign of old age.. lols

. aside from i just want to sleep all day i have more encounter with friends and even reaching out to my colleagues in the office.

11/09

-im less troubled compared the past few days and im not able to visit this journal too often. 

-misery loves company and this journal is been with me

11/08

-im in the sme roster

-im kinda afraid i might make it to become an sme. its a promotion that i dont want and i might not able to handle.

11/07

-sunday.. im suppose to go out but the lazy ass in me just stayed home and have cozy moment in my room

-re watched the hours

it drowns me back to my old courageous self. it welled so much tears and havent cried so hard for a long time.

11/06

-met lance again at sm sta mesa, and i felt lucky having dinner date with him. for me he looks like jak roberto.. so for a time i felt im barbie forteza 😅

-i thought it was just a romantic get together but he initiated a sexual rendezvous and went to the hotel nearby. supposedly im just giving him a massage and have some rest but he grabbed my member and we end up having a steamy sex. he is so sexy and his armpits are so hot. amazingly, i became the top and came inside him. it was 2018 the last time i was top so this is remarkable and unexpected of me as a versa bottom.

-went to russ and lem's place at nakpil and had videoke later their common friend, joshua joined us. it was a crazy fun time.

11/05

-done with 2nd dose, i hope this already a major breakthrough and 

11/04

-jim jones is still bothering me and now desensitized it with this article:

https://www.dallasnews.com/arts-entertainment/books/2017/03/31/a-texas-author-travels-to-jonestown-s-heart-of-darkness-for-his-new-book/

-i guess i am now in a process of abandoning my old ways as i cannot keep this lifestyle of party sex and drugs again and again. although i may able to do it on my own but by having a partner will make it more bearable. for some reason, i am now starting to fervently pray for someone just like rachel ann go prayed for her future, now husband.

-for some random reasons, i am thinking of unggoy as my ideal or "chosen" husband. i think ideal is not the right word because theres so much wrongs than rights with him. but he is the one that came along.. thing is i am not sure if he is really into me. i hope this time or time will come, the feeling between us becomes mutual.

11/03

-it appears that last all soul's day. or araw ng kamatayan. i am among the dead. i felt i died during my long weekend. i felt i am abandoned.. also in a process abandoning my old self.

-im kindof angry why i dont have any real and intimate connection ever since i had my last bad breakup, and why the people i chose to love doesn't want to be with me... atm, understanding is the ultimate form of loving.

-had my 2nd assessment for an sme internship.. i dunno if this is a good decision as i am against it at first.. but it kinda feels right 😅

11/02

-done with my Halloween movie/flick marathon:

*miss saigon

*burari deaths

*us

*strange things about the johnsons

*jonestown mass suicide

the bbc jonestown mass suicide is really disturbing to the extend i have to watch a disinfecting rationale kind of video. it is true that there is so.much fear if you fail to understand. here' what i watched:

https://youtu.be/6NWIfiV1_XQ

for the all the videos they all seems have

 interconnections: 11, 11:11, fireplace rod/poker suicide

-deleted all group chat in telegram. daddy neil's group thay only tackle about drugs and sex sex and everyday sex

-it might be just a phase but im reserving more of my sakral energy but i wouldnt be a hyprocite if i dont want sex anymore, its just that it is less than before.

-unggoy not able to make it to our date

-even lance the one i met in sta. mesa

-i felt im dead in my 5 day weekend.

11/01

-ive never had this sensation for long time, time sensation of certain crisp coldness. as if im back vacationing in baguio or in taiwan, that certain chilly fresh breeze crawl inside ur window even if its noon time.

-watched the 25th anniversary miss saigon movie and was in tears with the performance

-lss: sunlight and i moon

-had insomnia and got disturbed with the burari incident. im quite horrified specially with the writings and also how the water will change its color once "daddy" has arrived.

Daily Dose of reading

I Kind of feeling lost again.

I was even thinking i need to reread my blogs from the past and try to retrieve what i have lost.

Or I might need to speak with Chai, Vera or Russ to tell them that I just kind of lost my old spark

Although pandemic is almost over (as what I would love to assume) but accessibility is still not easy. So i read some self help reading and here's what I came across:

You Are Meant to Lose Yourself

That's how you find yourself.

I am so struck specially with this paragraph:

"You practice courage by leaning into the unknown and being okay with it. Instead of focusing on your swim, focus on everything you know how to do and who you’re learning to be. Because your life is not a swimming pool. It’s an ocean, and the island is getting to a place where your story starts to make sense. That’s the island. Not the things. And when you’re there, you’ll trust your path and be curious about the unfolding like you’re watching it with popcorn."

state of emergency

 

m.2

11/07

m.1

10/26

10/2021

10/31

-went picnic with my sister and laws and pamangkin in quezon memorial circle.. fun times

-had insta lift facial massage at a derm clinic with my sisters

-until my serotonin levels went low due to lack of sleep and missed a lot of invites/events (3rdfloor guy and sex invites frm grindr) i felt i should prioritize my sleep and well being rather than sex

-watched 10 things i hate about you

-slowly and gradually, im aggreing with this saying:

the opposite of love is not hate

10/30

-went to marikina as i thought i will see unggoy but he slept all day and woke up late.

-roam around sm marikina, went to the over populated riverbanks center and food stalls and then walk along the darkened riverbanks (the other side where the big shoes is) i felt its ghostly, its like my pre Halloween scene.

-roam around the cruising area but i dont like the crowd this time. i simply enjoy the cold breeze.

10/26

on the ulitmate moment of my passing, this will be the song that goes along with the last beat of my heart.

new world - bjork orkestral

10/25

-unable to sleep and prepare to go to malate to meet russ and lem.

i felt privileged and lucky to watch streaming of bjork's orkestral live frm rejkavic with russ.

my msge to russ after the event:

mpareh.. remember the scene (in HBO's i may destroy you) yung bestfriend ni arabella, si terry. yung vinisita sya sa italy and marveling the place they are staying. terry said something like when can i have this kind of priveledge. and arabella said this is it.

 

 mpareh, i felt that in full accord last night.

 

 in harmony with you, with mama b, the world and the universe.. such immensity, as an awestruck child that feels foolish but he is actually just as wonderful as is

 

 so much love..

-super stoned and wasted

10/24

-woke up past midnight and watched mr. queen...ahaha ang kulit sobra

-its rainy so i went out to bathe in the rain, super loved the moment specially i finally went to one of my favorite spots to the restricted area where dagitab was shot. done yoga and just lay down and simply feel every rain drops on my body.. it was so revitalizing

-misses unggoy so.much. went to riverbanks just to reminisce our first night in marikina

-i was overwhelmed with obsession again and this time with unggoy.. what the hell is happening to me? 😅 i just slowly getting over with francis.up and now im leaning towards unggoy. ive done crazy stuff above riverbanks where theres this cruising area. and also went to the riverpark where i met new faces and new dicks from my usual University ave crowd. ahaha

-i even met up with this guy who looks like unggoy but it didnt work out.

-then theres this guy who invited me for slam session. but he is too OD and he have so much TH.. crazy. so i left and still so high. went back above riverbanks since im so horny and met with several guys.. and end up meeting this guy who also high near the overpass.

10/23

-went so sm sta mesa to register for comelec, finally i made it!

-found this cute guy in white na nakapila din, but i already lost him the moment i have the guts to approach him.

-later, found another guy named Lance, and we able to change numbers

10/22

-fantasized about saeed and cum saying "tamoran mo ako" while memory of him penetrating me as he almost came that night when we last parteed together.

-my witchcraft for francis.up wont seems to work..maybe because its right besides my sage which drives off any clingy spirits. have it buried within my pot of clingy gigantic photos. may it root and grow in time. hindi parin paawat? 😅

-felt strong about the stupidity and the corruption behind faceshields.. thats why i hate pouring my views in social Media.. it only cause eyebags

10/21

-had my usual hair cut with kuya jhune and i told him how stressed i am about comelec registration.. telling him its now my 3rd attempt to fall in line for hours without sleep to register only to find out walk in is already exhausted. he said why do we have to suffer for someone who eventually steal our taxes. ok? ahaha

-iba.. mey point din si kuya 😅

-mey pagasa ka pa ba, Pilipinas kong minamahal?

-cruised that night while the moon is so bright. passed by Francis.up again, this time is worse, he is not in the mood and wont want to be with me at all. never felt, what was the word, rejected? gosh.. never had that feeling for a long long time.

-read and learn the art of detachment

10/20

-done watching 

the end of the fucking world s1 to s2 and got some hangover frm it specifically with my accent. nah not really but it really hits me. that crazy kind of lovin. 

-saw a falling star just like in kimi no nawa, and my first mutter is:

sana magkatuluyan kami ni unggoy

10/19

-clear and chilly night walknunder the almost full.moon

-got an overdose of coffee and sweets. im having this giddy feeling and throwing it over to unggoy. sent him mushy msges via telegram. even sent julie's cover of Hale's kung wala ka.. gosh.. here i go again.

10/18

-rereading my journal last year, i have this obsession with zaeed as well last year. so my feelings for Francis.Up is just another of my tendencies.

-i should be much way better than this. and i guess im just being silly

-since russ shared me bjork orkestral i got this never fading intensity for my old favorites specially you've been flirting again, unison and harm of will.

10/17

-finally had this knl.daks penetrated and bred me.

-thought saw francis.up and sucked him but it was a mistaken identity.

-kind unsatisfied, messaged ronan and we did again and made a video of me eating his cum. amusingly how im still ?meeting up with him since our first time in 2010

10/16

-my infatuation for francis.Up deepens and i got crazier.

-i even made a withcraft sort of ritual made out of the condom with his seamen and put some of my lashes as if his feelings for me will grow back overtime.

and sand that washes back to the shore when the sea rises.. as if his feelings and his lust goes towards me again. 

10/13-15

-im in a mess 

10/12

-my insanity for francis.UP continues

-have to do the four cloves meditation by thich nhat hanh for freshness

-have to remind myself that these are my tendencies just like what i had for saeed, jade and dave. that this infatuation will simply fade.

10/11

-having this overwhelming infatuation for francis.UP

insane liking overload specially he blocked me in telegram. why do i have this tendency i love those guys who doesn't like me as much as i liked them.

-i need a doctor

-my insanity over francis.UP spiked when i pass him by at University ave the night im heading to work. at first i find this guy so hot then realized it was him. nangamusta and separate ways.. tried to be casual but deep inside i am torn into pieces.

-had coffee and do some self help. read the ff:

The Real Reason Your Crush Doesn't Like You Has Everything To Do With You

https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/reason-crush-like/1637050

and ultimately, from thich nhat hahn:

https://www.brainpickings.org/2015/03/31/how-to-love-thich-nhat-hanh/

10/10

-met with francis.UP finally for the 2nd time and finally being penetrated by him and also kissed him. grabeh, gwapong gwapo ako sa kanya specially when he finally removed his mask and kissed me. i melt

-watched mientras duermes. in a moment, i felt like im in the crowd cheering, as if it's one of those film festivals that have a standing ovation right after the screening. like wow.. bravo.. 👏

it's one of the best films ive seen in a long time.

10/09

-have a date with unggoy, he is adorable. went to marikina riverbanks. we cruised together and then we had dinner and then we had a beer. we talked all night long. one of the best moment is when we stroll ang the banks until calumpang at night and the place was so magical.

10/08

-had my 1st dose of vaccination

with rhoda at up bahay ng alumni. we are suppose to be scheduled at 2:30pm, but we had it at 8am. our body, our rules.. ahahah

10/04

-i slept like theres no tomorrow

-i guess this is so.weird for.me.to.say but im not ready for the whole world to go back to normal

10/03

-got to UP being so tired from walking the last night

-then got an invite from 3rdflr 6footer and it was a great session although it was just for one dose

-still horny after the session, went to UP to cruise, damn i able to hu with 4 guys. the finale was the ultimate tall hung and screw me raw. it was one of the best encounters i ever had we change telegram details and he said it was his hottest encounter too. i cant forget him. even with a mask on his eyes are so damn cute. i saw his face when i asked for his face pics. i wasnt mistaken, he is indeed gwapo

-i asked for his telegram and his profile name is @unggoy

10/02

-visited monette to attend her hubbys bday celebration

-just for thrill, and looking for possible hookups, went to guadalupe but no luck, the people i saw in person doesnt match up with what they have on their profile.

-so i walk along edsa from guadalupe, boni, shaw and ortigas.. went from one memory lane to another. 

10/01

-met vincent lloyd ricardo, he is an ultimate type. done body charging with him

-when i met him and we booked a room, is this an early honeymoon??. if both of us dont have work that night, i could have asked for us to stay longer.

im always asked how i maintain such a youthful glow. i always tell them i always treat myself with these:

good food

good rest

great sex 😅

09/2021

09/28-30

-totally bored

-compensate on eating what i crave. my new found favorite is the beef lechon from kravers in malingap. they have 50% off on their popular tray so sulit

-finish click bait and now re watching Glee

-was struck with Glee's rendition of "dont stop believing" i am overwhelmed with that certain special kind of feeling. hopeful and exciting. same caliber with bjork's big time sensuality.

09/27

-after the clock hit midnyt, greeted chai HBD and assemble her presents. so i gave her my prized coral from caramoan, the white sand from boracay.

-we lighted a candle

-we talk with things that will always plays in your head even after your conversation. very good catching up

-later chai graces me with a tarot reading

-then past 1am, when an intensity 5 earthquake happened the three of us experienced it

09/26

-was suppose to be with this guy and overnight with him.

i gess i need this physical recharge just like creta kano with mr. okada in wind up bird chronicles

-it was a week long plan but since chai msged and she has no plan for her bday i have to prioritize her

-i felt bad for the guy but he completely understand

-went to chai's place to make salubong with her bday

-went to fishermall first to do groceries and prepared a meal for chai and mark

-what i had was a buttered pan fried roast pork, garden of eve salad, and then a mushroom beef a la pobre that i call "come together" beef a la pobre.

mushroom beef a la pobre recipe:

-loin beef thinly sliced

-white onions

-garlic

-tengang daga as mushroom

-oyster sauce

-unsalted butter

-paprika

-basil

marinate the beef with oyster sauce while caramelized the onion and then add the ingredients from the biggest particle to the smallest. without mixing them and then add the butter as finale and as the mediator for all the flavours. slow cook for 30 mins until the savoury goodness come together.

09/26

-weekend jog

-went to maginhawa to try this lechon baka, it is really good and its at 40% of.. so sulit

-had a great fuck with a guy from UP bliss

-suppose to meet this hunk at hot guy from.maginhawa but well, one cannot have everything at once

09/25

-lazy mood, just stay in bed while day and whole night.

-watched and scream with block z

-remembered my highschool years in UP Cebu high. here are my sections through the years:

Villamor 1st year 

Bocobo

Tan

Romulo

09/23

- had ab extreme imsomnia

i never had one for ages

-cauesed by too much coffee last night also with the bree jonson's sudden death/case. she is extremely talented and i love her painting of this dog on whimsical solitude and these blue crows that reminds me of sharpees crows from murakamis

09/22

-waking up but still want to sleep more

-i will give myself two weeks maybe of just not doing anything

-im not sure if its the full moon, but its so bright it pierce through my window

-moon bathe and recharge my crystal

-be at the moment and see visions within the realms of my quarts with the spark of the moon

-it gave me this certain vibration from within that that i felt connected even with the waters envoloping the immediate water veins where i am sending my chant, that chant summoning to entice saeed.

09/21

-slept for 16hours

-listen to an audiobook, the novel that ive already read a long time ago from murakami: the wind up bird chronicles

-was so engrossed with malta kano and her connection with the water.

09/20

-the only thing that excites me is elite.. and now that im completely done Watching s4 as if im back to zero

-now watching click bait

09/19

-just got back in my own room 

a complete reset

-i came from two tops, a couple. one is my kind of black and the other is local. i got some sort of satisfaction on craving for a foreign dick 

09/18

-after 9 months, able to meet the hot couple in 27 masigla st.

damn my hole is so stretched and my face and mouth is filled with so much cum

-rest a bit in university ave and this tall hung passes by.. luckily was able to approach him and he ask me to join in his car. its already morning and his Windows are not that tinted so we went to this spot in arki within the container vans. we also had steamy moment and his dick smell of this sweet smelling prunes.

-went to pasig for leannes bday. met my sisters in law, my brothers and my pamangkins

-they are having this home samyupsal set

-went karaoke and watched night Shyamalan's movie entitled: Old

09/12-17

-the three weeks successive pnp sessions had a toll on me. i got mentally and emotionally unstable.

-detox and cry out

-in a way it kind of make everything new since i didnt go out for three days and feeling the sun is marvelous

its a necessary death for me

09/11

-since i still have remaining stash, had pnp encounter with anthony, the pasay hotelier

09/06

-pnp hangover

-steamy encounter with ronan 

09/05

-super bored

-pnp with chad

09/04

-suppose to spend the night with this biker guy but he can only stay for few hours. i got grumpy.. im now more on sleeping with someone rather than having sex

09/03

-long weekend

-walang ganap

09/01

-woke up with a vivid dream

dreamt of pangasinan.. or a town near a coast. historical place near by the beaches. saudade. having this vibrant vibe of summer.. alone and melancholic yet filled with excitement

08/2021

08/30

-what better way crashing than watching hk's film: Amphetamine. its tragic and beautiful

-there was also a line in the movie from the ex gf stating about aging: "woman are like flowers.. while men are like trees"

08/29

-im still super high and horny. got this guy (from UST JR) who just done with their basketball game. i let him drop by the hotel. gosh. he is so hot and he fucked me bareback and breed me.

-we talked and cuddled until the remaining time before check out.

-Answered prayer. i super miss this.

08/28

-6footer 3rdflr guy invites for a pnp.. although im not really in the mood but i kinda miss him so i said yes.

-his housemate is around so we have to do it in a motel in edsa north.

-as always.. i love worshipping him.. smelling yes armpit and suck his huge dick

08/27

-i prayed to God that i miss hugging and cuddling someone.. i miss smelling someone's armpit and feel the wamth of someone's body.

08/26

-it feels like it rain all week

-i felt so sad and lonely

08/25

-i didnt make it in ateneo

-just woke up and went into my emails at ito tumumbad sakin.. saklap!

-i know i will have to go to the process of accepting this sad news.

-good thing anjan si 6ftbabe to assure me.

-also comforted myself my russ' coffee from sagada. if these arent here right now, sobrang lungkot ko 😢

08/24

felt so tamad today.

watched boys lockdown

and then some ep of elite s2

which reminds me of my bagets days parteeing and getting drunk in society lounge.. and thenafter having 2 cups of coffee

and binge over a vogue video collab of john galliano and tomo koizumi (of which im having a huge crush on) it perked me up so i went for a walk just to withdraw 

reached UPTC

there's buyonetake one ramen in dotonbhuri with 30% off via foodpanda

but where can i eat it? so asar. so i settled for isaw and some bbq, plus kwek2x and some pusit by the street. yaasss street food trip it is?! wait why am having this conyo like mental voice.. kakainis af talaga tong BL series with keyks and chen.. 😅

08/23

-was suppose to process my TOR and letter of recommendation kaso parati ako tinatamad and the situation of ecq/mecq really make it worse

08/21

-finally our hardlockdown was lifted and our street doesnt have any barricade anymore.. gosh!

-now its time to do alot of errands!!!

-tambak nadin labahan ko 😅

08/19

-continue reading Murakami's killing comendatorre.

-havent able to read it since i put my hands on it last 2018, and since the specialized lockdown and ecq, its a high time to read it.

-was curious with this character named Menshiki whos name means "avoiding color" 

-if i have a pet or a child, i wish to name him/her "Lightgiver"

08/18

-raining.. not able to workout outside but gone through art photography inside my room

08/17

-finally met chad from KNL 25, his a shade smaller than me but i find him cute and huge. we almost not push through but i already booked angkas and its no joke escaping hardlockdown just to be with someone these times. sex was hot.

08/16

-back in my room in pio Valenzuela, i miss my room.

-its very refreshing and recharging to be away from here and had some change of environment 😅

-vacation, even if its just nearby, does make wonders

-finished watching errands of the angels of which tells a story of a missionary and somehow inspired me to do and spread the love and it doesnt matter which religion we subscribed to or God we believed in.

08/15

-spent the weekend at pasig and be with my pamangkins.

-just had moment with this fubu i have in ubas st. and also cant get over with the gameboy kokoy look alike na daks.

-still no paramdam frm khrystian and even with the 6footer bagets frm fcm.

-right now, fubu/one night stand is much real while having a relationship is fantasy.

08/14

-had a quick and sweet moments with my manulife batchmate for our 2nd anniversary. josh, carri, rhoda im sick but seeing even virtually was heartwarming specially wenddy who is now in Malaysia

-the usual movie marathon with the fam, watched:

 my amanda

 the heiress

 Beckett

 

08/13

-escaped from the specialized lockdown in our street and went to my siblings place in pasig

-got a drinking and singing session in lifehomes with new grindr buddies

-woke up with a bad hangover the next day

08/11

-woke up and there's no response from krystian anymore from my viber msges. i never felt so ghosted

-had my personality assessment today for admu i hope im now ready and able to make it for the panel interview

-chatted with russ and comfort eachother, ecq really takes it toll on many of us. he provided me with links of unscreened shorts.

also told him about how denisa reyes encourage me to take up art educationa and now im having this application for admi going on.

08/10

-just done with my demo teaching activity with maam len and the rest of the admu jhs art teachers

-earlier i was in utmost turmoil and i am glad i was able to get through the connection issue. 

i couldnt thank enough the facilitators and teachers who bear with me and patient enough to interact all through out my south asian art presentation. 

namaste.. 🙏

-had a great conversation with Krystian, for some weird reason i felt so much kilig about him

08/09

-woke up with a dream of Saeed, he is in a room with someone but they are just sleeping with a specialized bed separator. 

-i thought my jealousy has completely faded but it still lingers but with hope that his encounters with someone else is less intimate than ours

-im starting to really like krystian.. specially when he sent me an audio sample of his acapella voice . he sang pagtungin by ben&ben

08/08

-our entire street will be put on localized hard lockdown.. like we wont be able to go out from our street for 2 weeks 😢😭

-went for a walk, coffee, cruising and outdoor yoga as if this is my final day

-met Krystian via Facebook dating, an HR specialist from pangasinan. we had a good start for a conversation 

08/07

-after a almost a week

and in the midst lf ecq, manage to drop by University ave and had the thrill of cruising once again. met this tall guy who have a very nice chest and huge dick. as in literally humungos, it reminds me of the italian guy i had and half arabian who took me several attempts before he able to get inside me. it was a really good breeding experience.

08/01

-finally met dave the (the guy on 02/17/21)

after half a year, i was able to leave sniff his armpits, lick his nips and penetrated by him. he was huge and get inside me so deep

-the moment we had pops it was an amazing orgasm