03/2025

 31/03

- commence operation: reformation

I figured out that the way i love is the way i have sex.. so the more intense the sex was the more intense my feelings for this guy. Maybe because i grew up with the notion that men usually fall in love after sex (rather than we learn to have sex after we fall in love). So kind of trying to rewire my thoughts and emotions, to determine if what i really feel for this person is really "love".

Also rewatch "drive my car" and, as always, i felt gravitated by koshi rather than the main character mr. Kafuku. 

This quote anchors me: 

Kôshi Takatsuki: But even if you think you know someone well, even if you love that person deeply, you can't completely look into that person's heart. You'll just feel hurt. But if you put in enough effort, you should be able to look into your own heart pretty well. So in the end, what we should be doing is to be true to our hearts and come to terms with it in a capable way. If you really want to look at someone, then your only option is to look at yourself squarely and deeply.

****

Feeling at a loss and desperate about manilvaguy, but the only thing i can do now is simply look into myself.

03/30

-went biking again for the longest time. Profe Jose Ramon lent me his air pump so was able to fix the bike at home. Damn, it feels so good!!! But it was so tiring.. and i encountered a minor accident. Got some minor sprain and scratches.. i went to costa natura then to manilva.. just to have a look at how manilvaguy place looks.. that feeling when i tried to visit bohol tagbilaran just to be close with nikko. I felt emotional to the extent im crying when i reached manilva beach.. also saw a sign that looks like camp sawi.. it was a meaningful kind of moving on from him. If he is not really meant for me, then i hope i can heal and get rid of these mushy feelings towards manilvaguy.

-met calle tres banderas again, for me he reminds me of Fernando in Sputnik sweetheart.  Tall, middle aged but so handsome and big.. he is so sexy as well. He has a body of a fresh 30s and sex drive of someone in his 20s. Such a sex machine and he made love like a husband. First time I got turned on and loving an older guy than me.. 

-living the most wonderful life and its even just a new beginning, a rebirth for me.. 

03/29

-i remove manilva guy from my favorites.. need to put him off from a pedestal and simply let him go.. my heart is a bit getting used to from the pain so might as well move on.

- meet up with this hot guy (see ref: camilo andres) of which he initially just want to have blowjob but i lure him to fully fuck me.. and damn, it was so good. He is a young fellow and made love to him madly.. 

03/28

-my feelings for manilvaguy intensifies and i consider it as  another version of Arturo fever.. just consider it as me still having the love hormones and still doesn't undergo menopause in terms of libido and that mushy feeling inside my heart.

-went back to the nude beach and gosh, such beautiful bodies i've seen.. the imperfection becomes banal and extraordinary and sexy. Seen this beefy guy, the. The guy with backpack all naked.. the ultimate one is looking at me while he climbs up to his hotel room at costa natura.. proud and erect. Reminds me of Fernando, the Spanish guy in murakami's Sputnik sweetheart 

-meet up with this guy who looks like arabian. He is 42 and such comfort when i am much younger this time, i felt worshipped and pursued, he eats every inch of me, specially my asshole. He is a secondaria teacher as well but do sideline as a masseur.. and strangely, he said he wanted to migrate to Switzerland, as salary over there is double compared here.. bueno, tienes razon.. i could only nod in agreement 

27/03

-got molested. Went to this co Filipino who said he has an agency and some connections who can help me process my work permit here in Spain. He asked me to come into his place to review my documents.. upon arrival, he asked me to come into his room to rest.. then he talked about having this upcoming operation for hernia repair. He asked me to check  on his balls and innocently just check it and then he wanted me to get into his penis.. of course i sense what he is up to and since he is not my type, i sheepishly decline, as i want to fall trap into this victim-hood. it's such a damper when i tend to gravitate or becoming a magnet for these unfortunate events.. i demand for breakthrough gyud.. from the universe.. ASAP.  Rapido .  por favor.. 

For now, instead of getting crazy and traumatised. I consider it as a thought:

Just like beauty, this kind of ugliness is a symptom of life.

26/03

-i was totally sick and had to call Ignacio and inform my co-teachers about my leave of absence.

This is my first time calling sick as i felt nauseated and vomiting. It worries the hell out of me when my stomach refuses to eat as i will puke. Lord, help me.

-had some warm showers and coffee but instead of getting alert, i felt sleepy. Took a rest and when i woke up, thank God i am feeling better. i thought it's really the end of me

24-25/03

-shadow working. Now i was able to pinpoint what I'm going through these reflective days in the midst of mercury retrograde: insecurity.

Insecure that i don't have a longtime life partner. I kept on brushing it aside as i felt i am better off alone and i am totally fine lingering in the world of "single blessedness".. but what my inclination is always leaning towards having someone. 

So all this time, i am totally not lovesick (although yes, i felt heartbroken and crazy jealous with manilvaguy) but it boils down to the fact, i am lovelife-less, i have no "official" lover. Although i have some boyfriends once in a while but they are just fuck buddies and now my heart is demanding more of the constant domesticated companion rather than my usual libido release surges. 

High Libido issue. Sexual compulsion:

https://www.healthline.com/health/high-libido#see-a-doctor

Of which is a constant theme for the past 8 years!!! Right after my last official relationship (with Gerald.)

It's just frustrating because, why do i feel this way, feelings of abundant love hormones but finding no one to reciprocate it with me. Again, what i can do is hope, and simply trust the universe that in time, that person will soon discover me.

Revisit this YouTube clip from 8 years ago, about this spanish ceramicist and  finding the love of his life:

https://youtu.be/1HtZDtzb-sI?si=xcHaq6ilR2PP6xr3

23/03

-simply slow down, although the anxious part of me keeps on thinking about my offer at clickidiomas for an indefinite contract but it doesn't work for me since it requires me to go back home to the Philippines.. the round trip tickets are way tooo expensive and i still have payable(s). So logistically it's not plausible. Deym with this work permit.

-my plan A is to find summer jobs here in Spain until my start of a new term in October. Plan B is to stay in Norway with the Lasam-Bergtuns.

-trying to teach my heart not to be arrogant and go through with this madness and sadness of letting go of this place (Maria's, estepona), my budding romance with brayan, the sea.. as my contract here in Andalusia is coming to an end.

20-22/03

-Went through my 3 day retreat and simply melt into these enriching experiences

*Early morning beach walk

 -been weeks since it keeps on raining. Finally there is a hint of sun. Went to the beach and saw a dead sea gull. First time to see it up close and wonder what its caused of death. Put a shinny bean shape pebble on its still opened eye. Say some prayer and may its energy keeps on fluttering by

-went into a flowing stream and visualise my dark past and raging trauma flow into the sea: from my trauma with Jane rojo and rahim/fahim malik, may the waters heal me and bring forth much amazing love, kindness and prosperity..

*Yoga

*Self massage with drift woods

*Somatic therapy

*Kabbalah workshop enlightenment :

https://youtu.be/UcK5rht49-A?si=JOC2FoxhOdbVCNgI

-had a great talk with russ and vera

-greet jazel Kristen happy birthday 21/03

17-19/03

-guided meditation mantra:

Trust the timing and unfolding of your life

-finally meet brayan porras once again, and we stayed and shared my place like honeymooners for 3 days.. i love the feeling to be in this kind of relationship again, although we are not official but that sense of domesticated lovers: cooking, drinking, watching films, having great sex and talk while walking by the beach, as i brought him to my favourite beach spot. I wish he could be the one. Even the thought of manilva guy is nothing compared to this moments with brayan. His baby face and pouting lips when he sleeps. His manly scent, nice body.. gosh, what else can i ask for? Im lucky.

16/03

-called mamu, she's getting beautiful with her latest cauterisation treatment. Told her about my worries and sadness for my renewal and that i will be leaving this beautiful place in Estepona behind 

-rain rain rain

-i had my bout of jealousy with the manilva guy just seeing him on grindr, moved to a different location, same location with a bottom. Plus got anxious as all of my 3 tutorial students got cancelled this week. relapse with my chem use emerge as i try to numb my pain. Use the remaining item i had from Fuengirola and just had a solo session in my room. Try to heal myself with the live utopia performances of bjork.

-i really have to move on with manilva guy and have to move on fast. Its consuming me badly 

-i am officially depressed 

15/03

-maxxxx's birthday, greeted her and hoped to celebrate with her when she comes to work in Germany soon 

-went to costa natura for the 2nd time and for the first time, have it all out. First time to be naked and be one with nature.. feels liberating and wonderful.. to feel the skin all over me and have it warmed my genitals for the first time in my entire life.

-gosh saw yummy guys naked, especially the middle-aged guy with a huge dick. Also saw a totally hot dude, sitting with his humangoes uncut dick dangling on his folding chair. The ultimate guy on the beach but i guess he is a straight guy.  Then the middle-aged guy with an Italian look, the one i saw yesterday, seems to be a thirst trap but his dick is really huge and engorged. I really wanna try it.. ahahha but to no avail. Then I met a cute one, he is on the chubby side but he is my type. There was a push and pull moment until i finally approached him and found out he is from malaga. I was able to practice my Spanish with him and i said "quiero comer tu polla" so we went to the hidden coves and suck his beautiful cock and later asked him to fuck me. It was a quick yet intense moment and he came inside me of which i later tasted his cum. I went home with a slimy cum in my ass.

-im totally out of control with manilvaguy and sent him some weird msges in gr. My infatuation for him is totally out of control and i guess he is more taken aback and turned off.

-tried to get off with my heartache with manilvaguy so i also sorted out the thing i can, invited ruben as he happened to be in Estepona and had wild sex with him. To kind of get even with manilvaguy if he is having sex with someone. I get horny and came as ruben fucked me but i can't get manilvaguy out of my mind.

14/03

-watched harold and Maude. One of the best classics I've seen. I watched it without taking a break or pauses, so for me, it is really a good film.

-first ever to visit a nudist beach. I am not totally comfortable to be all out so i still have my trunks on. Saw a middle age guy.. not so young but he has a huge dick. Keeps on passing by on me. I'm turned on but he seems to be just simply having his own thing. An old horny Spanish guy joined me. I thought he just wanted to chill out with me but it turned out he wanted to have a hand and oral job in public. I was able to practice my Spanish and simply be cool and casually said no. I love it, no hurt feelings.

-Fantasied about the middle aged huge dick

13/03

-woke up with the manilva guy and got horny again, we made love again and i had my greatest orgasm while I sat on him. He looked sexy while he came again inside my mouth. How i wish I could sleep with him all day long but i have work and he has a check up. I hope his thyroid findings will turn out to be fine. I prepared coffee and toast for him but he is on a 12hr fasting. Kissed him goodbye on the early rainy morn.

-felt back into my elements.. and as what russ has shared with me of getting the nutrients and the goodness of the fountain of youth out from a good sex, i felt full of vigour.

-i am not sure maybe because my feeling of sadness to the idea of impermanence leads to this tedtalk of a death doula:

https://youtu.be/IkeuKPZxEhM?si=LLSz_qNvEwRE52ft

Of how we prepare ourselves for our imminent passing  and how this statement became one of compass: "We highlight what we have to do to feel worthy rather than who we get to be"

I also love how she re-frames my idea of passing your legacy, it can be as simple as waving and delighting the people around you. The seeds of inspiration you can germinate in a child's heart.

It is indeed life changing.

12/03

-finally meet with manilvaguy after more than 2 weeks of not seeing each other. I really miss him and just seeing him makes me giddy and horny at the same time. Had orgasm while he fucked me the i swallow his cum as he burst inside my mouth.

Gave him a good massage and he slept instantly while me, im just savouring cuddling him and have this body recharge even if it's hard for me to sleep while he is snoring.

10-11/13

-finally done watching anora. So yeah, mikey madison deserved the oscars as she portrayed her role very well. And yes, i also love the bar ass movie. 

-simply stayed at home as if it's been two weeks since it's been raining here in costa del sol. Reminds me of the tropical rains in the Philippines.

-kept on hoarding groceries.. i dunno why, i just filled my fridge with lots of goodies.

-kept on listening to Samara Joy and her jazz voice is incredible. Listened with wine and cheese.

09/03

-feels backward today. Had 3 potential encounters but all back out for some reasons.

-its a rainy sunday and i thought it was filled with steamy sex?! But it's one of those days.

-had my highest pay ever, 70 eur for an hour of body wellness massage. It was a shot in the dark client in grindr and im lucky he is decent and sticks to his promise. I hope he gets revitalised with my therapeutic stretching and Reiki. And hopefully he will become a regular client

-taught Isa how to create a story and how to create a blogspot for an online journal. It's like passing the baton for future writers.

08/03

-inspired again by kazane windy, my inspiration to learn Reiki and had the privileged as my partner for an eye to eye interactive healing in sol sierra. She talks about figuring what your soul really wants can take 15 years and it's totally fine to simply breathe in on the process and enjoy the journey.

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/19ArBbTCsf/

02/03

-finally meet ale blanco once again (pls see reference..) he is reeaaalllyyy sexy. If i have to cheat with manilvaguy or brayaaan, he is worth it. Since I'm not officially taken I might as well open my doors for this meet up. He is really the ultimate sex god. I love every inch of him and his musky smell is to die for.. And he came inside me. I wish I could be pregnant so he could become the father of my future children.. lols.. in cloud 9!

01/03

-listened to elis regina and Antonio carlos jobim's aguas de Marco

"the promise of spring

And the river bank talks of the waters of March

It's the promise of life, it's the joy in your heart"

-finally watched jamón jamón.. Dios mio, que fuerte!

-videocall with quadro dedes. Catching up with them makes me not so far away from home.

-lay low on sex and just simply enjoy the cloudy weather. Watched japanese film: " the bread of happiness" and was struck with the thought that you will definitely struggle and it takes intense vulnerability to be happy, it will come as long as you are alive.

-always get reminded that it's not the destination but it's the journey, wherever i am right now, i chose to be happy and simply believe that the universe is kind and caring.

-ale blanco is supposed to meet me however my landlady is around. Felt frustrated as for all the days he could have come, why now that my place is not available? Cannot sleep thinking of this.