entry #22
Spain
-had this heart to heart talk again with Russ via messenger in NY, how i am now attracted to manilvaguy who is trying to hook me up with another guy for a threesome. confessed to Russ on how, or where, all my past trauma was rooted. why I tend to get attracted to someone who i have issues with.
i remember when my mother came to me crying and she let me see my father's newly bought VHS camcorder, i was about 7 or 8 years old that time. My father just arrived from abroad and he usually stay in Manila to have some good times before going home to us in Cebu. There in the camcorder is a sex video of my father with another lady. having sex. I dunno what's with my mother why she let me see it, she might got overwhelmed with jealousy and anger that she forgot i am a minor, she must be drenched in darkness and need someone, even her own little child, to simply bask and share it with her.
that moment, i don't know how to react but i know how terrible my mum must felt. i also didn't know that it grew on me as i tried to understand it and as growing human, tried to make sense of it and fix it even if i am entirely helpless that time. the tainting of my innocence. So russ told me that's where the feeling of familiarity was rooted and even laugh jokingly how our parents (irresponsibly) cause so much troubles toward us.
Now i understand why i tend to get attracted to guys who usually have the red flag of being promiscuous and unfaithful. as it drives me back to this memory, to where it started: the whole pattern of trying to make sense of it and trying to fix it. as if trying to fix that person can fix the small traumatised child inside me. i started crying like a baby.
entry #21
up until now, im trying to remember whom i hurt before that might have cursed me t not to be in a good relationship until now.
all of the sudden, i remember this guy. i forgot his name (oh it's eman) but i clearly remember how me met when i was on my 1st few years in UPbliss and all have this midnight walks around Quezon memorial circle.
i spot him around the bend before sm north and he is this typical matipuno tall makisig kind of guy oozing with manly charm and sex appeal. the type of guy who is from the province and now im here in manila trying to find my luck. right in an instant i find him attractive. i was still smoking at that time and you know the immediate excuse once you spot that kind of person, to ask for a light. he happens to smoke himself and so we puff our cigs and do small talks. then as one of my lucky nights, he showed where he is staying and we had a good fuck.
i remember his dick as proportionate to his height
so he is somewhat huge and its a little bent towards the side. cannot remember if its towards the left or right. we became a fuck buddy up until i started inviting him over at my place. i love his smile and his effortless masculinity. i could easily fall for him however i at that time, i always had this standard of a guy that i could proudly present to my closed friends chai, russ and vera. the reason i cannot make it as a serious relationship is because he is jobless, although he is not asking for any assistance from me as he has an uncle who supported him but my "idealist" self get ahead of me.
i remember when he was so hurt that he let his house mate invited me via grindr for a one night stand. first i didn't know, i only find out when i went to the place where it happened to be the same place where he stays) and that house mate who is way too gwapo, after sex he says, that my ex fuck buddy is not over me , he even did not able to face me and stayed in the dark but i know it was him. as a young and able bachelor, i simply brush it aside. i didn't have the consideration to even recognise his feelings.
one time, now im in my late 30's after a decade, i spot a grabfood driver that looks like him (even with some bellyfats) but still look gwapo and sexy and i said to myself, i could fall for this guy.
if that time, I'm not so wrapped with the idea of having a trophy boyfriend, i could have still, seeing him over cigarette, sex and love making.
entry #20
was jogging inside UP campus when i came across a profile on gr. we meet and hook up. it was a good fuck. later i found out that he is an international designer based in France. he even design a dress for marina summers. he appeared on magazines (printed and online platforms) so he must be a big deal. his name is June macasinag. oh wow. i was flabbergasted with myself. well it reminds me of hooking up with this famous fashion designer as well from cebu named edwin ao, when i am still super young, and this designer was also in his prime-time so my ass got so lucky. he is the ultimate young bachelor and i was fucked bareback inside queensland. he is such a biggie and that time im fresh from my junior year in UP college. well i have nice bod since i do swim and look fresh when edwin noticed me in my design school in cebufame. i felt an ongoing surge of design/creative prowess palpitating inside my
cervics.. lols
entry #19
i easily got panicky every time im not familiar or i am in an unknown territory (specially with technical, maybe because im more of the arts)
we have this round the table talk with my favourite mates in my spanish class and i was able to dig and found out it came from a childhood trauma when i was little, out of curiosity of amazing displays , i got lost in a mall and i can vividly remember how i got
panic to find my mother. i even tried to get down from an ascending escalator. until a saleslady approached me and i burst into tears. that was crazy.
now I understand. and maybe, the way i tried to deal with it is to travel or even simply get around to unknown territories as an attempt to reconcile that
past.
entry #18
through my licensure review, came across about the critical first 7 years of child development. i try to recall the vivid memories i have during my early childhood:
-the moon following me as we ride a car
-colouring books! tons of it
-when my arm got pierced by a barb wire and my mom was so angry she even hurt me more by grabing me angrily at the same spot where my wound is. of which she later said it was because nataranta sya and she was so mad as she took super take care of us (to the extend di kami madapuan ng lamok when we are babies) and we end got wounded by carelessness.
-Christmas carols
-always no bday cakes for me since my bday falls in semana sannta where we suppose to be in puasa
-my papa surprise us by checking in at cebu plaza now marco polo cebu.
-my mama crying as she got beated by my drunken father.
-my grandparents visiting us in cebu from samar
-kindergarten or grade 1? memories.. duane and christian santos.. christian as the most smart.. ur the boss phrase...
duane moreno cute, i guess he is my first crush? mo i guess my first
-first infatuation is during flores de mayo cathechism, there's this fellow kid who checked my paper/notebook during a quiz and later found out he wrote something: i love you Leooldo.. first time i felt kilig and special.. keep on looking for him only to find out they migrated to the US. i remembered him as so neat, tall, matipuno, buotan looking and mestizo.. rich kid na hilumon
-another surprise out of town every time my papa came home from abroad.. my father is an OFW.. so he make sure he spend quality time with us with aunts and uncles.. we usually go to the beach.. my aunt cooking the very tastiest food! lots of tomatoes..
-harvesting fruits in campo, getting fishes from a pond. my kuya killing my guppies with muriatic acid. as he said it cleans them.. he is such a bully. me and my brother markpaul saw a falling star. we made a wish..
-i still have to ask my mother about the death of my sister when i was still 1 year old.. it might have caused me sadness..
-my father as a womaniser that might also explain i get easily jealous but get attracted to those kind of guys..
-might add more here
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