10/2025

31/10

-Finally ended our two week Halloween deco and it's amazing how i can still create. Was anxious about it but by just showing up, you can definitely do something, anything. Also gone crazy liver-eater with small kids. It's draining but fun.

-payday but my salary went all to my rent, bills and payables. But found a 50 eur bill by the street, biggest bill I've picked so far.. i remember when i was 10 years old, i found 4, 20peso bills and i have it as a capital for candies and i had it as my business. Not much for a capital here in Europe but i hope it's a sign of financial breakthrough.

-reminisce about how i usually party in a club during Halloween but I'm not sure this time, i don't have the energy and the means.

30/10

-an early morning read: 

"We yearn for certainty and must make our peace with doubt, flickering and static" -alain de botton/school of life

http://youtube.com/post/UgkxGOythDGnP9hebpXFcvUVkM35ZHIdmeSy?si=K0b5FndMhksKKJFd

29/10

-something that i love about my current work today is that you don't have to prepare anything, you just have to show up.

-i still have my bureaucracy blow from my late prórroga yesterday and my dating issue here in Spanish but i keep on counting my blessings. Especially my constant visit from our house cat, Santi who  becomes my constant companion.

-the impending 400eur or more fine is really a horror, but i will simply let it go and think of the money i saved from Italy specially my stay in Italy farm for a month without any expenses.

-was already happy when chai wishes to send a scent she concocts for russ that reminds of that afternoon in busay, and russ wishes to accept it. But then chai, not pushing for it. I dunno. It feels being rammmed in the middle and i have no one to talk to, even vera since she is also not in good terms with chai. I dunno, i felt this jolt in my head, my heart and in my stomach. Then again, I was reminded that my current theme is suffering is my favorite past time. I simply laughed about it. But tbh, I'm at the point where i don't want to be in between (the bridge) anymore.

-saw the trailer of my love makes you disappear and i felt I'm too serious with my potential lovers. And then i said to myself, I'm no clown nor comic, so i don't want to fake it as well. I dunno.

28/10

-had this weird conversation with Pablo. I guess he is trying to be kind and me trying to be pushed over. I'd rather have it stop. It is getting toxic. On the other hand, jose Luis is not messaging. I was done with this phase, but it's resurfacing. Sigh.

-my happiness with empadronamiento was short live as i face again another paperwork, prórroga, which should have been submitted 90 days before my TIE expired. My tie expired May 30 2025, so I'm already late. But it's just now i had my empadron. I may face a penalty on this with a hefty fine. God forbid. Another series of suffering. Oh well, i think i simply need to give up and rewire my brain of retiring with this thought: i love suffering, it is my favorite past time. 

27/10

...But before anything else, celebrate at my favorite coffee shop and have my usual cafe doble con leche y croissant deliciouso at Sampedro.

-hopefully everything goes well from now on. I hope the universe heard my plea and will take it easy on me 🙏 ❤️ 🥰 

27/10

-Finally, empadronamiento myself successfully. My first ever after a year. Now I'm officially registered living here in Spain. Now I'm off for my TIE card renewal. But before anything else. Cont

26/10

-watched Wizard of Oz 1939, indeed it is a very heart warming and magical movie. One of the best movies of all time.

-It's really getting cold here in Collado Villalba. It rained last night and the temp went down low to 2'C

-went for a walk as i feel too heavy. Had some sunshine and savored the sunset. I went emotional as i felt I was again, at my lowest of low. Jokingly asked the universe not to be so harsh with the challenges I've been given. as i am having a deficit in terms of almost everything: love life, financial, and stability. I cried and prayed that breakthrough is on its way especially about having a sense of home.

25/10

-jose luis didn't respond, i feel so low and i know how this pattern of a feeling. I know what i must do: walk

-had a morning walk to valdemayor while listening to newly released bjork cornucopia in Spotify 

-cont watching wicked

-it rained a lot and was damp cold. Feeling sad and lonely. I simply tuck into my blanket and cont listen to 1Q84 audiobook. 

-I kinda feel what the dowager feels when she no longer has anger, but only sadness when she has finally murdered (let go) the main culprit. Also it resonates in me, Aomame's waiting for years and years to only experience,  a glimpse of ephemeral romance.

24/10

-meet Joana Paola at the station as she came to Collado Villalba for the first time.

-she treated me in my favorite tapa place and we walk to dehesa and listen to TS while watching the cow having a love triangle affair. Crazy

-supposed to meet jose Luis as he doesn't have class after work, but i ran out of load and only have enough money left for bus fair. Plus he didn't respond so i don't feel motivated ti really see him. As if i have to give up. But my manifestation is almost there. Maybe this is just one of those challenges. I hope this is the final challenge.

23/10

-created Halloween deco and listen to wicked sound track. Remembered my folgaria moments, and as if i summoned them, Tamera relive the GC. But Jack didn't responded nor msge me directly. 

22/10

-my landlady is out of town and i have the place for myself, i usually do sex invites, but this time. I didn't.

-for some reason, the love intentions keep me grounded. Exchange some messages with Jose Luis and that's it. I even made him laugh on whatsapp. I felt he already made my day. 

-also Pablo messaged, but i am now leaning towards jose luis. I'm happy how one can really replace someone and i can clearly see who is for me and not for me.

-reread my posts 13 years ago, and i am amazed how my tenacity for finding love still haven't fade. But hopefully this time around i eventually come home.

-this reminds me of Russ message to chai about coming back home (of them being reconciled)

-attempted to blog again. It feels wobbly and like doing baby steps.

At least not with the aid of chatgpt. Going back to square one. I felt im redeeming and re acquainting myself.

21/10

-i vividly dream of high school. The giddy thrill of walking along the corridors. The love for books. Highschool crushes. Laughing hard. Cheese sticks (pastel de leche). I felt I was beginning again in terms of romantic excitement and intimacy.

-done waning moon ritual before the new moon. Let go of strong anchors that reminds of Pablo (the condom we used) burn it and splash it with dust of palo salto and done sei hei ki emblem to it as i flush it away.. with it are the strong emotions from my previous heartbreaks and limiting beliefs i had. May i restart anew.

-at 10:21pm new moon, done my romantic intentions 

20/10

-blessed to have a mother, on her 67th birthday today, that she is still beautiful and healthy. Who was able to maintain a family, though not perfect, but filled with care and love.

-pablo messaged me and he was clear that he is not into LTR. I felt broken hearted. I really like him.

-also got a potential first meeting with Jose Luis. But my landlady came in and he also encountered a problem. Well, it is what it is. Let's see where this goes. 

19/10

-just rest

-cleanse, detox and watch this video about how to deal with loneliness:

How to fall in love again by alain de botton.

https://youtu.be/9PXHx275Oa8?si=bandxBRXUKy2Nhz6

18/10

-meet up with jose barrios and had a morning sex.

-messaged Pablo but he doesn't reply. The anxious attachment syndrome in me is triggered. Got a pnp invite and went ahead and met these 4 top guys. It's like singing tove lo's song once again. It was already past midnight, and I'm glad i did, it was worth it. Two of them are so hot and bigdick. It was a total fantasy. I was hi@# af. Mefe&keta. First time. But still it's nothing compared to my subs of choice. But i felt so lucky to have these two hot men (1 handsome Spanish and 1 super sexy latino) banging me like in a p@#n. I am aware of my tendencies so after it, i just be compassionate to myself.

17/10

-this blows me away today. I needed this kind of reminder to practice.. practice practice every day:

https://youtu.be/hwCmWqH6cCE?si=tmym3bIYLoGYwvdO

-catch up with Chai and had our realizations from 20's, 30's now to our 40's. One message that has instilled in me with our conversation is the "necessity of waiting", just like the seasons for planting and harvesting a fruit.

-Rewatched perfume, the story of the murderer. Was reminded of my sexual obssesions, collecting guys to intercourse with but at the end, it was really to satisfy the craving of having someone to be with.

16/10

-watched icelandic folklore the damned. Felt so scared and troubled i have to rewatch asako 1 and 2

-felt sad about Pablo not replying but i felt i know to handle and reinforce myself with this kind of feeling.

-here comes the autumn winter rain-the more i miss the tropical breeze.

15/10

-when it rains, it pours. I had a dry season lately but finally i had 3 guys last night. 1st is pablo, the tall guy, and the cd lover. Again, if only i have a bf, i will be faithful. But while i am still single, and my hormones are still at it, then i will try to maximize it. 

-but for me, my ultimate is Pablo (pls see ref) messaged him but I'm too sleepy to wait for his response about us having a walk.

14/10

-finally meet pablo. The one I've been talking with, for a long time.. I was so frustrated last night and I'm glad this one compensates. I was able to practice my massage and reiki with him. And i got so horny with his sexiness. He is actually my kind of guy. He looks better in person. And he has a huge d###. We are also able to talk great. If only he doesn't have limited time, i wish I could spend more time with him. He is hairy, cuddly and i love his armpits. I hope and pray he likes me the same.

13/10

-"i am not a mistake. I am the dream, i am the fantasy." Fostering self acceptance, Mother melai in sparks camp 3.

-went again to alacala for my dental appointment. It's a long journey so i listened to 1Q84 on the train. Also simply love my scenery. I love the field near Pitis where one can see families of deer.

-i kept on thinking about p.james and minelvaguy. I realized they are one of my greatest orgasms. That's why these times i tried to duplicate the same feeling, the same level.. I was reminded of the IQ84 excerpt of gone in the wind. "Once you experienced something magnificent, try to be content with it"

12/10

-went to alcala henarez town fiesta. I was able to enjoy the crowd and the food stalls with Joana Paola. Then we went to Sol and had a disco with Darwin, a kapwa Pinoy. She is a CD and reminds me of Maxie Bella. We had a great time in a disco club manama. I got a few stares and smiles but they are either with a bf or friends.

I overspent and had a bad hangover.

It's one of those nights i say i don't wanna drink again.

09-11/10

-having sexual frustrations lately. I am so horny but i don't get to meet people for sex since 1, my place is not always available 2, Collado Villalba is such a small town. 3, i don't get along well with my meet ups and we either not a match or our personality clashes.

-it's a long weekend for me so i simply enjoy it by rewatching a movie: kimi no na wa. It is still giving me goosebumps and i really love the idea of misubi.. the intertwining of time. It will always be one of my favorites.

-had a great talk with Maxie Bella and how we process John Mengua's passing. We also reminisce what we've been through with him and how we commemorate his memory by cherishing his kindness and joy he emits. May God bless his soul.

08/10

-sent a video greeting for XinXin's 6th bday. My baby nephews and nieces are growing. 

-done major cleaning in the house as my landlady will be back tomorrow. I felt relaxed and realized i have this jealousy and nagging envy about people in a relationship. I mean i could rewire my limiting beliefs that being solitary is sad and lonely but i couldn't deny my heart's desire for a constant companion and feeling kilig once again.

07/10

-Meet said once again. This time he fucked me bb. I just really find him so handsome. I came as we made love intensely. I also love his smell. That kind of spanish arabian smell. I hope we can do this regularly

-was also supposed to meet the airport Uber guy. But sleep is my priority since i have an early class tomorrow. i love it when i choose myself more than others.

06/10

-first monday at my new school. Getting familiar with the kids and their characters. I have this wonderful energy but I feel drained? Of which i usually feel my dopamine depleted? Good thing they have free breakfast. At home, i felt lethargic. I guess it's normal? I should be fine.

-got this immense restlessness in the middle of the night. And as if I've been punched in my stomach. I guess its the upcoming aris full moon with it's intensity 

-found this fruit and vegetable market that sells familiar stuff: papaya, mango, okra and guava. Feels and tastes like home.

-watched s/s fashion shows and one collection i love is Sarah Burton's givenchy.

05/10

-recently, i don't usually feel good. It's not automatic that i am feeling fine, as if there is a cloak of dark, damp cold clothes shrouding me. It's an effort to feel myself. I have to walk, prepare hot mocha or cook good food. But i always end up kind of lonely and sad. 

-Rewatched Jones spike's Her. And thread along the loneliness in this modern age. But still, i remain hopeful 

04/10

-Rewatched the tiger, first was when it premiered. The notion of being devoured by the tiger coincides with murakami's IQ84 putting a tiger in your tank. 

I let the tiger. Devours me this time.

-earlier, rewatched ang lee's brokeback mountain. I feel it more this time. Cried specially with Michelle Williams portrayal of a jealous woman. I resonate with her pain. That pain that scarred me just last april with minelvaguy.

03/10

-heading back to alcala for my dental appointment. It's early morning on the train from Collado Villalba. Seeing the sunrise across the endless fields. It was a beautiful sight. Also, i have this unusual auto joy in my heart. It's not pre empt-ed. It's sitting inside with me. It's a surprise since i constantly have this anxiety ridden jolt, or loneliness pang inside. But now, i am smiling with peace.

-meet Joana Paola and noel. Went to el prado and simply talked and laughed. It's a wonderful pinoy bonding and got inspired with Noel's pareja de hecho and lovelife.

02/10

-felt at home more and more as my landlady is with her partner and im able to take care of balu and santi and the myself 

-felt wonderful after my interview at "you speak" language academy with Isabel. Was tasked bout if someone asked the  difference with past simple and past perfect. I'm so happy to come up with my drawing of a man on a boat with an anchor. Ang galing ko don. Even i, was amazed by myself. I hope i will get the job and it will be my step for legal residence. Ojala🙏

01/10

-first day at school, CEIP de Miguel Cervantes and I've already received so many hugs and gifts

-bless my room with cinnamon and salt to bring forth abundance and love

-also bring out my rose quartz, string of pearls and my intentional love writing in the open for the upcoming super moon to bless it.