11/2022

11/30

-filed a leave for Bonifacio day.

perfect timing as namoor guy invited me over to come over at bgc. tried the yellow bus the first time and arrived at market2x for only 40php compared angkas for 200+

-walk along densely decorated high street and got mesmerized with its xmas seasoned lights

-went to nectar as namoor and his cousin will be there. but i get there might too early and i end up having so many tequila shots. i thought i was able to save much since the entrance was for free but i end up spending 2k plus for my drinks. yes its crazy. i just enjoyed myself with the music and the drag performances..

-since im just a walk in guest and i don't have a table, the bar crew treated me totally crappy. to think ive already spent thousands on their drinks?! to kinda lift my dignity, i found this table reserved by jett pe, a long time acquaintance from cebu whom i haven't seen for ages but connected via fb. so my initial plan is to simply exit when i see him come over. i think i was already too drunk and over enjoying myself when a bar crew approached me (of which i usually hate) and i automatically said i know who's jett pe is. "he is my friend" i snapped at him! (i try to say ut with all conviction i can muster) but he know that i am lying when behind him is jett pe himself. i melted in embarrassment. like i can feel all the colors on face went down the drainage 😭

11/29

-watched paulo avelino at janine's baka ngayon. loving the whole thing specially the ending. although its totally different but it so fitting with what im feeling with rico. or maybe i just need something to cry over with.

-also cried with "from scratch" as ive seen its ending..

-on my silent and alone moments, i've realized i might married to my singleness. is there is a third party or a querida, is the notion of having a partner. for a moment i have that surge of energy for that epiphany that i could write a book or even a manifesto about it. that there are people who are just simply married to themselves and having a partner is just our versions of having a fling.

11/28

-able to sleep well last night. it appears that im living a regular "day person's" life for two weeks. as i able to sleep at night and live my life during the morning compared to my usual graveyard routine.

-had my usual coffee and pancakes at fuente Osmeña mcdo and level it up with titay's rosquillos.

-rewatched listed to bjorks voltaic in live in paris. relive what russ and i had in their condo in Guadalupe.. such magical ang joga-esque moment.

-walk going towards and swim at Abellana. seen two hot guys/athletes. but i could only fantasize about them.

11/27

-in the middle of the dawn, got msge from the grindr guy im suppose to meet last night but they went out drinking. meet him and he is drunk but we made it out inside la playa's resort/cr. he is in the small side but he is cute, buffed hot, and yummy.

-dont have much sleep but able to see beautiful sunrise in my hometown

-went to bantayan proper and visited the ancient church and did my prayers.

-enjoyed cebu lechon! 

-visited leanne, my sister in laws place in kabac and see my brother john and my 3year old nephew, xinxin. i am happy that they are now living a province life compared to what they have in a pasig. i am also delighted to meet leanne's family. they are so warm and hospitable as they prepared and we feast on to fresh buko drinks, scallops and cuttlefish. very delicious seafood treat!

-went back to sta fe noon time and burn myself at sugar beach. stoned at the placid beach, with thermocline going on frm cold waters at the bottom and warm at the surface. swim near a boat and play with a very small fish. as what i usually do. i wish i could stay longer but have to back to a much harsher reality. such a fitting finale as i will be going back to cebu for my flight back to manila.. 

***

-listened to bjorks first album, debut and transfixed with crying, the live video was also amazing.

-continue "from scratch" and cried myself inside the ferry boat and inside the bus going back to cebu.

11/26

-went to bantayan island for the weekend 

-able to finish tim burton's Wednesday at kota beach with bottles of palesen

-met this six footer guy who im suppose to meet in cebu who happened to be in sta. fe. he is near so he came over and did it by sugar beach. its been a while since i had sex by the beach and this one is intense and hot. he is my type and find him hot. and he is a good top. gosh!

11/25

- attended visayas art fair and meet josephus, budz, and of course jana, as i promised to see her on the event.

then surprisingly, met greys compuesto. as she is in the same flr and she is one of the exhibiting artists together with ronyel and wendell.

i've some favorites and was overwhelmed with the art scene in Cebu. 

then went into this interior and fashion designs. saw kemneth cobonpue and jon unson. felt wonderful to see a live fashion show with bb. cebu/ms universe such as bea as models.

even saw a subtle cat fight at the runway. so intriguingly astonishing.

grindr myself inside the event and meet this fashion designer turned painter, adrian. talk all night long about his works. we even went out for dinner and had samgyup and soju. as we call it a night, we kissed each other at the terminal.

11/24

finally meet the namoor looking foreign guy

such intense and hot encounter 

11/23

-met a guy living in guadalupe. drove in his car and his bed.. we were like bf for one night.

11/21

-really love the sound of the splashing waves from my nipa hut. it reminds me of my childhood years in our hometown in bantayan as my room is a stone throw away from the shore.

-woke up around 2am and can no longer sleep. went for a walk until i decided to hike til tumalog falls at wee hours of the night until daybreak.

-i never knew it's an uphill climb and the entire road was pitch dark (im not sure due to brown out or it was due to road works) i have no source of light except the my phone flashlight and the stars above me 

-before reaching the falls i have magnificent view of the sea up above the mountain top. had my sun salutation when i finally meet the daybreak..

-its still too early and the entrace for the falls is close but manage to creep inside and what a magnificent view of the waterfall.

the moment when i am at the perfect place at the perfect time. 

just beyond wonderful 🥺

-

11/20

-finally able to see and swim with the whale sharks. able to swim in parallel on top of it, it was the best

-sent my reverence every time our eyes meet. also able to experience its fin flipped unto my limbs. i felt sudden yet in awe kind of a connection.

-they are huge yet definitely peaceful creatures

-i wish they are as intelligent and playful like the beluga whales but whale shark's timid trait has its charm.

-see them from ashore without the orchestrated krill feeders. it is jaw dropping shrill screaming moment.

-meet this guy from butuan for sex, in between and after our sex i found out that he is now based here in oslob. he talks about how "mingaw" the place is. i got from him the body recharge ive been needing and my craving for that armpit sniffing satisfied with him. he came inside me twice before he get back to his car and drive back to his place.

-yunt nasa dagat ka lang and see the cloud turns from gold to bloody red, then to melancholic purple.

-then i started ember-ing, what happens from January until now.

-i have to know my truth

11/19

-breakfast at royal suite inn with russ and sir munds. bothered with russ' reaction to ian's review. some information came from my conversation with ian for his sigbin performance last night over beer.. of which must have misinterpreted. the portion where russ toured this piece to europe and asia. i hope he will outweigh the genuine favor of publicity

-had dinner at helena's farm with sir marx and his wife. they inspire me to retire early and have business. 

they are both professors and part of the academe. such an irony since their job is my dream career but based on their talk, its not worth keeping it. so they resigned and came up with a business.

-oslob, was suppose to book in stay n save but it was fully booked. lucky to still find a seaside hut at bcd place at my bargained price of 400 a night. so i booked two nights 

-get into the water and hear someone do karaoke with the kitchie nadal medley from the neighboring shore. wag na wag mong sasabihin goes to rico

11/18

-pamainit sa merkado

-bo's coffee, Boulevard, seaside where is sip.my coffee.

-my skull is my cathedral, russ exhibit, el amigos, performance art by russ with sir mundz and budoy

-concert blvd, babu

-helen's bulaluhan

-had a massage with a part american local.

11/17

-arrived in dumaguete

-dinner at el amigos

-went to janice jumalon's pottery workshop

-had a tour and interview and even able to feel her hands. such a wonderful way to connect with an artist.

-we had some beer and puff some weeds

-budoy was and still very funny

-laugh the night out

-still have work. made the royal inn rooftop as my office.

11/16

-we had this ongoing kris kringle and i received snake and ladder as a random gift!

-had fun with yka, claire and mike as we played snake and ladder. its been decades since i played this board game.

-saddened with mommy rosalyn's termination at work. yka claire and i was informed personally by boss rio.

-it was a heavy and tiring day. so tired i cant even rest for my flight later today

-able to make it to the airport in time to freshen up and have some rest 

-finished the last episode of bjork's sonic symbolism: utopia

-so ready for the fossora world tour but before that im really praying my bjork orkestral in kobe will soon materialized! gosh! never felt so alive and kickin this past few years!

11/15

-still felt heavy due to breakup with rico.

-didnt have enough sleep as i tried finishing my thesis drafts and also preparing for my Dumaguete cebu trip with russ.

-already prepared for work when suddenly mama told me papa is at kuya's place after he and kuya had some dispute. since im not in the mood and proper condition for work, i txted my boss that i cant make it tonight and booked angkas going to pasig. heart warming to see mama with avy as they about to sleep. im glad to see papa and kuya doing well. sing with then just for an hour as i really need some more sleep. my father is now 72 and he is still as vibrant as he used to. i thank God for giving him such a long life.

11/14

-need to reset

-watched and cried over 21st century girl 

-watched kim interview with James corden. kim just split with pete. i felt like k.k., having one boyfriend to another 😅 and just like her, maybe i won't have another one just yet. if i found someone new, he would probably someone i bump into an academy, an art exhibit or an event/festival.

11/13

-i felt stressed with all the all that worries me recently: my moms fever, paper works, rico unable to provide sexual pleasure. so i got an invite for a partee and play session and went to cubao but was turned off with my supposedly playmate. so i called it off. went for massage instead. no sleep and was drained earlier due to noontime heat, rico asked to borrow some money. its already critical wallet days so i cant offer the amount he asked for. i didn't reply afterwards since he is so insistent. 

he ends up ballistic with his text msgs/viber, called it quites and he wont be messaging me again. like wow. im not sure if its out of shame or he doesn't really loves me at all after all we've been through.

11/12

-date with rico, he had back injury due to his volleyball tournament. met him at shang and we had dinner then we watch our first movie together, black panther 2. marveled its effects both visual and emotional since it presents Chadwick's passing

-was worried with my mother. she got fever. found out she got over fatigue due to her zumba and meet and greet with doc willing ong and his wife, doc Liza of which she is a major follower.

11/10-11

-jog with elois. its rare to speak with co UPian and she gave me insights of what UP diliman really was back in the days. we also had both intellectual and heart to heart walk while going around UP

-continue with my paperworks regarding online education

-my 11/11 was unremarkable, rico cannot be with me as he worked overtime at work

-purchased 8 monogatori lubes at shoppee and able to get major discounts. laughs

11/09

what is magical moment for me?

when its full moon and i swim in a clear sea water.. when its 3am and i do yoga session by the beach. when i eat a wonderful meal. having coffee at the mountains. wine at sunset.

11/08

-its me and rico's 1st ever monthsary.. cant help but feel wonderful we have reached this far. specially that im the kind of guy who easily gave up with things i find that i didnt like at first:

he is not showy in terms of pda

he is always late in our date

he is not yet financially stable

he dont want us to have sex yet

but it appears i am more understanding and giving at this age, i am also more compromising

-full moon, with lunar eclipse. last time i saw it was in bantayan island and i played bjorks unison in the loop.

-was able to brush off my issues at work regarding my overstay in the csr support and talk my loyalty to the analyst team. we also had this cross site meeting when i shared how chaotic our elections here. in the Philippines compared to US and Canada. realtalk it is. i felt exhilarated. ahaha. after thr meeting, i took an hour long break at 12midnyt and jog underneath bright full moon and clear sky

11/07

-did a silent protest at work

as i felt torn between two department. i made my point that they can't simply overuse and abuse me

-continue watching the serpent queen 

-also watched saldana's netflix series from scratch

11/06

-2nd day in pampanga

woke up having coffee with claire and yka

-had breakfast with the team and then another drinking session with ms ju and tristan and the rest.

-kulitan with nice' kids

-went back to QC and still have my sunday evening

-meer Rico and we went to quezon memorial circle for a jog/walk, our conversation keeps on getting deeper and our bond is getting stronger

-dinner at technohub with the christmas lights surrounding the mini park across tokyo2x 

11/05

-my 1st team building with my claims analyst colleagues in pampanga

-had a great time being a co host with luningning as my peg

-great food, drinking session and videoke specially with claire and yka

11/04

-i need sleep. do the sleep yoga meditation again

-kept on listening to bjorks sonic symbolism, this time from vespertine to vulnicura

-

11/03

-its been a week since i worked out at the UP gym. saw my usual crush. but he is just a crush and he was like looking for my name at the registrar but when i take a look my name isn't there anymore. its weird.

-usual work at the office and its officially we dont have to wear mask for the eo 7 since last Friday 

11/02

-felt revived after spending the night with russ. we went biking around manila coastal area. seen the coco palace, and the infamous (horrific) amazing Philippines in the eye. had my ode to that place since it inspire one of my poem when part of the ongoing construction collapse and buried some people alive. its like a ritual to also commemorate my lost feelings with dether. it was kind of the child/ghost from the murmers, had confrontation with him and run to the light. 

-we continued biking and we had this japanese breakfast accross cartimar. its great to catch up with him and just had a great and peaceful time

11/01

-all souls day. went to church with mamu to make dakgot with the kalags. specifically for nanay pineng, lolo RD and anhing charice. and also with the rest of our bygone family members..

-had a date with mamu, had dinner and our favorite lasagna at greenwich and then had massage. it was a great bonding with my mother 

- not contented with my masseur so i went down to cubao to have madam tess and she've done her signature massage.

-able to sleep enough and had this invite from a 8incher guy from capitol drive, he is huge and good fucker.. when done i felt i bled, then i went to russ place. had dinner, watched the murmers in Netflix before we slept.

i am at the perfect place at the perfect time

woke up around 3am inside my rented beach hut. not able to sleep any more, and i had enough of the sounds of the waves and hours of staring blanky at the nipa bamboo ceiling. so i decided to walk around.

i always love waking up at a different location. opening my google map, it provides what will be my next potential adventure would be. so i found this falls "nearby" and it is a good one and half hour trek from my place. i said to myself, well i've experienced a 3 hour trek in sagada so it's nothing. it's 3 am, no bus, no motorcycle, and definitely no hail-a-taxi in this southern most part of this island.

it was a wonderful walk:
-a beautiful seaside cliff
-the scent and the sounds of a provincial town
-a view of a waxing crescent moon that appears to be smiling

so these motivates me to go on. until i reached the steepy slopes, a forested and an uphill entrance to the falls.

it was pitch dark, and, if i didn't bring my built in flashlight on my phone,  i only have the stars and the moon as my main source of light. the idea of wild beasts, creepy monsters, aswang, or even the idea of falling off the cliff didn't fail to permeate me. so honestly, it was scary. i want to back out, but i've already tavelled so far so there's no way im giving up. besides, lolo franklin reminds us that “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself".

as if my ongoing calvary is not enough, somewhere in the middle, i never knew it was an uphill climb. i remember singing and trying to grasp what miley cyrus trying to say with one of her songs to distract myself from my aching legs.

then here's my final station. after a scary and tiring trek, the entrance for the falls have a signage which screams:

CLOSED

what?! fine, i arrived too early but definitely this falls should not be privitized. it shouldn't be subject for any restrictions. nature is not owned by anyone or by a governing body, yeah? besides, im a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars 😅 i find myself laughing at the signage as if that's the lamest joke i've ever came acrossed, like wth?

so i went over the bakod and yes, in a sense or in somebody else's perspective, i trespassed!

heaven on earth, i get in, running, with all smiles and such thrill getting inside and come face to face with nature's wonder.

the words to describe this moment are:
-a saintly trance
-emancipated
-ecstatic

what a better way to see the falls in its grandest glory when it is fresh from the night before and now, with the sun rays miraculously angled at the main point where the water (literally) falls!

so, with all the turmoils i went through, i must say that:

i am at the perfect place at the perfect time.

so i basked with the purest elements this oasis can bring, embracing, as a part and entirety of the universe,  before the main "touristy" crowd gets in and ruin everything.

10/2022

10/30-31

-went to spectroom on a Sunday night. i cannot handle too much alcohol anymore, vomited even half bottle of soju. the performances were good, but the disco room was lousy, as it had low volume, had to wear my earphone and play fossora. that did it. came home with a very bad hangover

-rico is depressed and we are not able to see each other during the long weekend. i even tried to invite him to tagaytay but to no avail.

-im sad, lonely and sex starved.

-my Halloween weekend is really boring. i have 4 days worth since ive got to file Emergency Leave for not having power in our boarding house. was so tempted to do partee n play with this guy from bicol who i had a prior commitment and even pre order our item but it seems its not really our time yet. and besides i really have to save money for my japan trip.

-met this guy from UP as well and brought him at the arki. saw our shadow fucking and it turns me on. he came but wasnt able to had an orgasm, so i went to university ave and saw a guy being sucked as if watching a live porn and thats the time when i came.

-went back home felt better.

10/29

-im suppose to attend Halloween parties and also went to russ' place but there's typhoon paeng. not so good for having a good time as the nation is in a bad shape, korea had stampede.

-black out in our street.

-it was a Halloween night that i just stayed in my room all night 

10/27-28

-had my 1st ever root canal session 1

-in preparation for the Halloween, watched Guillermo del torro's cabinets of secrets

-super loving all episodes specially the outside

10/26

-felt kind of drained at work but having the thought of king lifts me up. im glad im still giving this kind of feeling of which i thought i wont be able to experience again after.my exes: julio, arturo and gerald.

-it rained continuously all day and night long. right before dusk, was able to do my once in a rainy moment yoga at the open stage in the heart of the UP lagoon. it was an amazing yoga practice with rain drops all over me.

i end up with enumerating 10 wonderful things in my life right now. and i am filled with overflowing love and so much gratitude..

10/25

-its almost midnight so king and I meet at technohub and we had dinner at kennys then we went to starbucks, where he had his cake and blow a candle after he made a wish.

im so happy that he is happy. found out that he was adopted and he never met nor have any idea who is his biological parents (together with his twin brother)

i just felt this new kind of compassion for him. i kind of want to make up with what he have missed. i wish he could find family with his foster siblings and also with his friends who care about him.

im filled with joy seeing him having his many "firsts" with me.. first dinner kennys and having a round trip plane tickets. for me, i felt so blessed in the past so i just want to pay it forward.

it was an amazing and love filled night

10/24

-creating a letter for king

hello babe,

it's only been days since we've met but it feels like ang rami na nating amazing milestones sa relationship natin. from our very first hoursary sa jolibee cubao hanggang sa super engrande nating date concert with the Philippine Madrigal Singers sa CCP. 

i am excited and looking forward to our future, together.

just wanna let you know na im proud of what you have been through, the challenges you have overcome and what you will become ahead of you.

wishing you the best. happy birthday. 

yakap,

liyo

10/23

-sunday morning. woke up not drunk on a weekend. went to qc memorial circle and first time to join zumba! the instructor and choice of her latin techno music was reaaslly good! gosh! it was super fun!

-finally meet king. its his birthday week so ako muna ang taya. also he is only been in his work for over a month so i figure that he is indeed financially unstable.

-we went to UPTC at my favorite in marugami udon and then had ice cream under the avatar esque tree and then we had jco doughnuts and drinks. we talk at the Christmas lighted food central. was able to know him more his likes, dislikes, his family, how he lost his parents at early age. it appears we are carrying our individual pains so im hoping we have ourselves to comfort eachother.

10/22

-so im seeing these posts from my college batchmates who are still friends up until now. they are posting their friends celebrations and successes. i admit i feel a bit of envy.. that i also wish i could flex just few of my core friends: chai who already had her acting skills etched and had flown to ireland and Spain, vera who is very much with a stable family in norway russ, performing from japan to Germany, while me making my labada here in quezon city. lols

-work out at the University gyn and seeing myself getting buffed.

-was suppose to spend Saturday night date with king, but he made me wait for hours and even backs out at the very last minute?! i can only make my disappointment gets ahead of me and just simply understand him as he might have some issues such as financial

-i end up sleeping 

10/21

-had massage at the neighborhood spa. i end up having a sensual massage. the masseur keeps on offering extra service but u kept on saying that im just for massage. but overall he is a good therapist.

10/20

-mamu's bday. spent it with her, jesse and baby avy

-watched "nope"

-also watched Jung Ji-woo's Tune in for Love. one of those movies na it made me cry as it stir something inside you. it was good.

-king is not responsive and he appears to have grindr account. 

-rather than being affected, i end up having 3sum with guys in lifehomes. we made it at the rooftop. finally smelled two pair of armpits. yum

10/19

-tried to recall how long i've been staying here back in manila, was it 4 or 3 years?

it feels like its been ages ago.

so i scour my blog entries and realized i went back here in manila after 1 year stay in my my mother hometown in cebu in 2018.

it was officially in 2019 when i get back here in manila:

http://hotmug.blogspot.com/2019/?m=0

-looking back at my blog entries makes me feel i lived such a long life. never felt so blessed and enamored with such gratitude.

-headed towards ramos village to celebrate mamu's bday. taught her some sleep yoga and some breathing and stretching techniques. also did my personal facial treatment for her. and she ends up sleeping very well. 

10/18

-finally meet this beautiful guy from ateneo. he live in one burgundy plaza. we did it in his sofa. it was extremely hot encounter. we msged way. back before and finally tasted him. felt lucky bitch.

10/17

-"bati na tayo ah" rick and i patched things up and we are now ok. im not so sure if we are "official", but i always expect this not to lasts.. i just want to fall too much as i might end up hurting too much. just go with the flow. we even haven't had sex yet. i dunno when. hopefully we are compatible and we turn out to be a great partner.

10/16

-able to watch the madrigal singers live at CCP with Rick.

first i was annoyed as he came in late but he knows how to make light of the situation. good thing we catch the start of program proper.

i love their rendition of ben& Ben's leaves, manila, and kay ganda ng ating musika and some visayan and tagalog kundimans.

-im also glad he knows how to make out of the event and find us the best seats. saw derrick monastario and gosh he is insanely beautiful, it doesn't make me feel horny. lols.. besides im with a date.

-was blessed when the mads did their final pieces at the stairs.

-kissed rick in CCP, by the dazzling fountain, as promised. first time to kiss someone in this iconic spot.

-we went to cathedral cafe, although its closing but good thing we had some last minute order.

-we suppose to have dinner but all restaurants inside intramuros are closing, we had a silent argument as rick was tired and hungry. as i was about to cross the street, rick is nowhere to be found, only to find out he went the other way. i never expected he walked out on me. i felt abandoned. as if a micro eternity, i felt like lyka, the sputnik dog left alone in the galaxy. but in the midst of it. i felt a familiar nothingness as if im in a movie. i felt freer. less tense. so i let him go.

i thought we were over. 

but saw him riding the same bus. i kinda laughed a little behind my face mask. then he messaged me and said sorry. he did because he dont want to say something bad. i saw myself 20 years ago when i usually walked out from russ vera and chai as i dont want them to witnessed me turning into a monster.

as written on my horoscope, there will be quarrels.

well tomorrow, everything gonna be alright..

10/15

-date with rick at cubao, we walk on the dark alleys and kissed him. i really find him gwapo. i like everything about him, his smell, his arms and our kisses. we had a drink at oyster boy and then had some ramen across araneta 

10/12-14

-had derma, madam as usual is a star, session with her is heavenly

-watched Spanish film festival. my first festival after almost 3 years! watched a documentary about a feminist writer and got emotional with handia.

-had teeth restoration, and found out one of my tooth is for tooth canal. major expenses 😭

10/11

-still felt exhilarated about scoring bjork's ticket live in Japan! gosh... also able to book a round trip flight to osaka. gosh this is happening. i hope there will be no issue with my visa application!

-surprise king/rick about my advance gift for him, i had 2 orchestra tickets for the madrigal singers live in CCP for us this coming Sunday. im glad he says yes 😍

10/10

-i forgot about bjorks concert sale in tokyo 2 days ago, now its sold out! the only seats remaining are in Kobe. did a kamikaze purchase and may mama B's lullaby comforts me:

"from the moment of commitment, nature conspire to help you."

-told russ about this but he seems not leaning towards purchasing his own ticket. 

im having mix emotions now.

10/09

-re meet this guys i met before at 2014, also from bicol. gosh he is really huge. was so drunk and had a very good sex with him. i apologize as it was a messy encounter. im not so sure if we can do it again

10/08

-first time to register for gym membership. i have it here in UP gym for 1k/month

-felt sore but i feel renewed

-got free shower since we dont have water sa boarding house

-visited kuya with mamu, avy and jess. watched brad Pitt's bullet train. although it was a quick visit, glad to hug mamu. missing her so much.

-went to the new rapture. became so bored..it feels like a cheap version of o-bar

-roam around and saw this hot guy. thought we could do outdoors, instead i end up kissing him and had dinner with him. we walk and talk under the full moon, until dawn and end up exchanging numbers. 

his name is King/rick

gosh he could be the one written on my horoscope!

10/07

-watched leonor will never die at cine adarna. finally after failed attempt in cinemalaya opening night at ccp.

was impressed with the film, its just i dont like the ending. im no film major but been watching a lot of quality films, so if given the liberty to suggest an ending, it would be leonor, laying somewhere, still half asleep half awake, somewhere in the dark corners of her mind, humming.

10/05-06

-fun times at the office, have doughnuts with sir ali, ms lynn, the team and with mark wolfrey

-hosted our daily huddle and had a great time with Mel and Claire.

-we have an upcoming team bldg in Pampanga, hopefully it will be materialized and it would be a blast

-feel productive with my thesis revision 

10/04

-completed my 3rd anti tetanus shot

-went for shopping splurge, zara and some skin care in trinoma, never shopped for a long time 

-watched avatar on the big screen! totally mind blowing, narrative wise and visually.. aweee moments all through out! specially the night walks at the bioluminescence fungal city

-called in sick for the 2nd day.

as what ive informed russ, the videoke session and bjork moment we had pushes me for a state of emergency. so i declare self holiday today and have that lingering feeling stay with me.

10/03

-im not so sure if i slept or never slept but i kind of woke up at russ'

-spent the morning with russ and lem

-listen to mama B's whole fossora album for the first time with russ. while have all those intensifiers circulating in my veins. i was able to visualize the sonic map for each track. my whole sensory system rejoice with such celebratory masterpiece.

-such a wonderful day, i dont want to ruin it by going to work specially that it put us on a task i didn't sign for.

-i called in sick and TL Rio and boss GP are kind enough to understand what im going through

-i slept the whole night, such a wonderful way to use my first Sick Leave for this year. my spirit, and not just my physicality needs healing <3

-had some series of nightmares, so i wore my amethyst crystals and they went away and i slept, continuous ly, wondrously 

10/02

-met a college dude and a jogger but di ako nalabasan. 

-msge this guy who ive been planning to have pnp session and we finally did it. he is originally frm iloilo. we had good sex and he is hardy even if he's high. he came inside me and i got so horny while he endlessly fucking me.

-have to leave early as i promised russ to listen fossora together with him for the first time

-im getting slow again. me crashing plus having some weed.

-its fun time with russ lem and josh and kaori

10/01/2022

-watched 3 idiots

tearjerker, crazzy funny, inspiring 

-so excited with october, gosh! its my relationship month!

https://www.elle.com/horoscopes/monthly/a61/aries-monthly-horoscope/

draft.10192022

09/2022

09/28-30

-glad to be back home. gosh! never felt missing my place this much. 

-planted the purple butterfly pea flower that i harvested from Bacolod. i hope this time it will grow and bloom flowers. as Rhoda's gift did not make it.

-just stayed home and fix my room. it feels like it was all dusty and covered with moss after my 2 weeks out of town.

09/27

-im about to leave Bacolod

msge the part croatian guy snd and he drop by at my place. we had a great sex. while he is still fucking me, i can see myself getting married to him. but it's just on this bed, marriage is definitely not on the table ahaha. i will miss his hugeness. 

-saw a very handsome potential bagets just along 12th street, on my way to hail a taxi going to the airport. ba't ganun? nang pauwi na ako don pa nagsisilabasan ang mga yummy.. ahaha

-able to make it at 76 anonas before 1pm and watch respeto.

-spent some time with chai at the nearby cafe. we had a great talk over tequila and palesen. i love how she told me about my statement that amongst us i am the "less ambitious" and she kind of shed a different light that my ambitions are not of a lesser value its just well, different.

-if only i dont have work that night. 

-im so tired, and still not in good mood after cutting our training short. was still being put on queue for 4 months now, so did silent quitting.

09/26

-while im spending tranquility here in Bacolod, manila is experiencing a major typhoon (karding).

-im still sore from my 2 hour worth of bliss from natura spa along lacson ave. beautiful space and wonderful service. i had this ultimate package of ventosa and heated banana leaf with coconut oils. just heavenly 

-finally tried cafe bobs at lacson, and the interior is really magical. ive ordered samplers of 3rep shot espresso, blueburry croissant, chocolate mousse and cappuccino, and it transported me to dimensions. the food is not really superb but i guess its really about my internal dynamics kicking in. the place is too crowded for a stormy monday night. so i just anchored myself to my spot and let the warmth of caffeine and the toxifying sweetness of my p@stries deluge me to complete elation

09/25

-its a sunday. headed to mambukal for the 3rd time. 1st was a fail. 2nd, explored the whole place with no one is around on a weekday. 3rd, need to experience the japanese ofuro.

able to get there so early that i have the ultimate hot pool to myself. able to experience it while its raining. its so magical.

it was raining hard, so all roving guards were not around, so i went to this "closed" trail going to the womb of a water falls. im wondering why its close, i was in the middle of this legit rain forest and found out by myself it is because there was a major landslide that blocks the trail leading to the waterfalls. tried not to give up easily since i traverse quite far already, i tried climbing the fallen tree and mounds of mud to get across the trail but it is too difficult and this level of risk will definitely costs my life (as one simple mistake of holding a flimsy branch i will slide myself to the cliff unto the rocky bottom of the river. so in resignation, i screamed on top my lungs to the universe. whining all my pain and frustration. in tears, i asked the universe to make me more understanding and giving to just simply give up and let the natural course of fate leads me to where i should be heading. its kind of a truce rather than a demand

.

-there's this cute guy lecturing his nephew. can't help noticing him. with him, im not so sure, is his sister? the mother of the child and the yaya.

-at this point, i am transported to a certain era again. having this anemoia when mariano saw this girl from macau. what does this maria braga posess that mariano fall for? what was her mannerisms, her facial expressions, her candor. how i wish i have that certain charisma right now, that makes this cute guy across my table simply stand up, goes towards my seat and join my table.

09/24

-went to cadiz, my father's ancestral homeland

-such perfect place to watch Bjork's premiered latest video: ancestress

-heading to lakawon island as part of my Bacolod extn.

-super had a marvelous time in lakawon island, although its quite pricey but as they said, every penny is worth it. saw this guy who is so cute, hot and adorable. but haggan sa tingin nalang talaga since he is with his folks and i guess he is straight but have tendency to be curious.

-was so dead tired and when i woke up, i got this msge from a guy locally from cadiz who is staying in the same hotel where i am staying. finally able to have sex from my genealogy of my family tree. retrieving, transferring and interchanging generational ties. such link and submersion to my heritage.

09/23

-finally, after 1 week stay here in Bacolod, im able to meet and have sex with someone. he is 6footer with 8" cock. he is part croatian. really had great sex with him and i had a tremendous explosion while he came inside me, twice. gosh that was a good sex. never had this for a long time.

09/22

-jog around the capitol lagoon

-fresh buko juice frm the coconut is only 20 pesos. done yoga flow right below the blossoming ylang2x tree and manyan tree.

-had a really restful sleep.

09/21

-i really need to wash off all the frustration i have with Bacolod, so i have to make it to mambukal. the place is not so huge but marvelous. wonderful spot to walk and dip in the pool underneath the trees with giant flying fox and sailing birds.

for some reason i felt recharged specially with the hot spring. first time to see a steaming and boiling spring.

the moment i dipped myself into the hot waters, it seems i got back to my mother's womb. so recharging and comforting. with it's healing powers, i felt relaxed and renewed.

-im suppose to be working in the office but called in sick to at least let me work remotely. im so glad my new boss is so chill and considerate.

09/20

-fuck!!!! my ticket got forfeited and i felt defeated. my boarding pass got denied and they found out im not my brother and my fake ID mismatched.

never in my life i felt so frustrated. i dunno why Bacolod is dealing me this way.. im so bored with this sleepy town. fine Bacolod, i dunno if you have something to show me. i will stay for another week.

09/19

-so finally i got the energy and motivation to wake up and simply hop on the bus and go to mambukal resort. had this thrill to have my head outside the window of a speeding bus and see fields of sugar cane. was so hyped and all smiles to get inside only to find out they are closed today, Monday for sanitation, what the heck?! Bacolod is giving me a lot of frustrations. i dunno. its not really for me. im so disheartened right now. mabuti nalang masarap breakfast ko. specially their rice, anywhere, is good quality. but still im so sad. it appears that the masskara is just really, simply, a facade. underneath its just myself, being sad.

-played raul sunico's piano version of matud nila on the loop going back to bacolod city

-went to the ruins and drowned with its splendor. got drunk with wine and there's this sessionista who is so cute, good song choices and have a great voice . he sang i hope you dont mind, someday, and fly me to the moon. gosh.. he reminds me of KF.. sigh 

-ran across dark field it was kind of dreamy as there no light and can simply outline the blade of sugar canes across star filled sky

-feeling that its my last day here in Bacolod, i bid farewell to my suki who grill the best chicken inasal first time for a long time i sincerely received "halong" from someone 

09/18

-for some weird reason, i felt depressed, unable to get myself from bed, maybe bec of what happened earlier

-drunk msged KF via viber of which he didnt reply, so i deleted it 

-so miserably drunk, i think i really should stop alcohol completely? to think i only had one bott of soju and 2 botts of palesen from 2 different bars. cista and mo2 ice.

no luck in finding cute guys. not my kind of crowd

so im missing manila.. weird.

-saw a guy who kind of watching me but he is kind of careful as it appears he is with his partner. oh well

im not a home wrecker so im leaving

-behind her eyes series still haunts me, such a wonderful series. kalowka

-suppose to meet a caucasian, he is in his early 20's so he with his parents, too bad his folks wont let him go out since their flight will be tomorrow morning

-im so fucked up and so lazy. my ideal sunday was spent inside my hotel room. good thing i flourished it with so many as in so many leaf cuttings and blue orchids so it feels like a cozy paradise for me for the 5 days stay i have here in Bacolod

-im itching to go to mambukal, the ruins, cafe bobs and have this turkish bath at majikspa but my body clock is still sleepy during the day and awake at night. fuck fuck fuck!

-found myself at the edge of the capitol lagoon, where i see fishes so many that they swam on top of each other, reminds me of Taiwan, but instead of carp we have tilapia here. yo ease my sadness, i feed them some found kakanin, channeling from my heavy broken heart to their mouths. 

09/17

-bacolod's street inasal are insanely good. and they dont use ketchup. very good.. ahaha

-there other putahi are so good as well. Bacolod for me seems to be the bicol or Pampanga version of luzon, where the seat of great culinary takes place

-worked inside a coffee shop across the lagoon. cant wait for tonight and have a great weekend

-finished behind her eyes, such a mind fuck series?!

09/16

-jog along lacson hiway, capitol lagoon while having monsoon rains

-passby uptown to downtown

-prayed at the cathedral and this time i did not pray for KF but for my family. to give my parents and my siblings more time and to live and retrieve what was taken away from us: the long lasting bond, quality time and having the comfort of eachother's company. i also acknowledge and forgive markpaul, who supposedly have this trip but he backed out and made me do this to save the plane ticket.

-was about to go back but lost my way, met a kind midget and show me the shortcut way back home. im so blessed

09/15

-woke up and went to the airport early, but our flight was delayed 

-arrived bacolod still early for my check in so i roam around and went the museum

-was mesmerized with the collection

-became chatty with the curator and found myself teimg her that, while sothesby/artbasel/metropolitan musem/moma showcase big-time artists, but its more commercial. rather than in provincial museum, artists have real stories to tell

-it was such pleasure to see nune Alvarado's artworks again and this time, from his hometown. i remember when i work as a curator in Luna and made to study nune and his artworks. 

-when i went upstairs, to the ancestral/archive section, something creepy happen

expound: AI detects group photo 

-called max to calm myself down as my innards went squirming with terror.

-first meal in bacolod so splurge and had dinner at gina's with their fresh seafood 

09/14

-its my first trip to Bacolod tomorrow, im not so sure why i get so hyped and cant sleep.

before i felt forced on this trip since this is supposedly for my brother who didnt use his ticket.

-there's so much vibration, i cant sleep even after doing the sleep yoga. this is strange. my last coffee was even before midnight. deym

-went to security bank to claim my atm card. google map shows they are until 6pm went there 4:35 only to find out they are only until 4:30

-want to release my frustration via the 200 pesos massage and they wont accept gcash i rome around aurora and when i finally able to cash out and spent more money, i get back, only to find out they are done for the day even if its still 2 hours earlier than their cutoff.

im so furious i scream on top of my lungs!

was so stressed and mad with everyone. i end up for a much expensive massage which accepts gcash. 

but the better version of me simply remind myself that stress creates income, and income is help for those who needs it. help is kindness. kindness is love.

09/13

-able to discuss and talk with doc d. im glad our session went well. it was fun and its really a matter of taking it lightly. she even motivated and wish me better opportunities in the future such as full bright scholarship. ahaha i really laughed and just also wish mag bilang anghel sya sana

-its pure happiness when boss Lynn approves my immediate VL. now i can travel to bacolod without time constraints 

09/12

-trying to get rid of KF out of my head, but i still miss him. even Denver didnt get on his way. i am hopelessly in love with KF

09/11

-i felt deprived so i splurged.

went to trinoma and make it as my avenue to walk with great music. i felt working out inside a mall

-tried this japanese restaurant at the sky garden and was amazed with the serving. had 3 refills of tea para masulit ang 600 ahaha

-went drinking to skydome and then went to timog. walk through memory lane and remember my yesteryears. and even saddened when Farenheit spot was demolished 

09/10

full moon

date with denver

we will have dinner at technohub, and its either kennys or tokyo2x. was confused where to eat, both places i have sad memories, kennys with what was his name, the guy from romblon? ahh det.

or at Tokyo2x, with KF.

so i have to ask myself, who am i to replace now. its KF so we will eat at Tokyo2x

also brought denver at Starbucks. its his first. i love seeing people having their first. just giving me that certain spark.

we made love at my place and he came twice. cuddle with him all night long. he said my place was nice. im loving my fresh sheets and lush plants that i brought inside.

he have to go home early so walked and talked under a full moon.

09/07-09

-heard bjorks latest single: atopos for the first time at kennys technohub, its powerful track overcome my bitter memories in that place.

-soak in the sun

-there's something in the air, crisp and tangy. a blossoming future

-never felt so alive once again, as if i just retrieved back long forgotten senses

09/06

-rewatched

my sassy girl

cried on this as well but not as hard as windstruck.

-took a nap and dreamt of having my plants growing lush all over my room. and my room was bigger as if im in spanish or greek taverna with vines over my ceiling. i felt happy when i wake up.

-still 2am so i went to neopolitan and meet this moreno cutie named ______ he is my first fuck in this area

we later had breakfast at mcdo. i like his smell and his eyelashes are so lush. he is gwapo. kissed him thrice, after he fucked me, a stolen and before we part. i love kissing him. he is such a talker and hopefully we can keep this connection. im not so sure about if this could last tho since he is still on his last of year of SH years. but who am i to gauge someone with his academic background? bahala na. come what may

-planted the seedlings that brings back my childhood years

09/05

-found myself taking care of someone who is super drunk along the gutter. he vomited so i also end up vomiting. ive never been so drunk like this. i felt like im 15 again, cursing and vows not to drink anymore.

-my world is still spinning even when i get home, vomited again and cried so loud as i am 

totally in pain with KF. now i realized he really matters to me but it appears i don't matter to him at all.

-me crying like a baby are tears i've been holding for so long. last time i cried like this was with arturo.

09/04

-i thought im done grieving with KF but the sadness is taking over me, once again after i rewatched:

windstruck

-its officially one week now since the last time i messaged KF. i just want to check if he will also take the first step on msging me or inviting me for the weekend. but there's nothing.

-went to spectroom and drink my sadness to somehow drown my sorrows over alcohol.

-was super drunk as in super super drunk. and rave like i usually do before. i missed it! gosh its almost been 3 long fucking years! since the last time i dance like no one is watching.

09/03

-Carri's brother in law was cremated. they had their memorial mass and she invited me over to their place at sitio Ruby. join manalo, xtian, Carlo and a newly met friend: samira. had fun at their now resort looking garage and then went wild at route 21. cant stop laughing when samira, carri and xtian went nestea plunge without the pool. crazy.

reminds me of chai when she also went like that and she had blood gushing on her head. fun and crazy night

09/02

-had another tooth extraction and hopefully the last. can't bear to lose more teeth anymore 🥺

-my oral rehabilitation plan includes denture, dental restrictions and veneers.

09/01

-eat out at burger king visayas with yka, claire ang mommy lyn with claire's hubby. we rode on their van

-went derma and madam provided me the hifu once again. luvit. she really provides me extra beauty care. 

dreams

09/06/2022

-i had a very creepy nightmare

russ and i made an ambush performance with monks doing their meditation to a sacred temple.. and one performance lead one thing to another

heavy prayer beads

wearing kimono

then went into this horror theater house with unborn children heads on display it appears patrick saying gwapo unta o, and theres these severed fetus head on palanggana.. blood everywhere even on foot bath square basin.

then we made this rituals on this little severed lady heads.. black with real human hair but head is like a silout of a balenciaga girl covered in black cotton/jersey/stocking

"tatae ko, susuka mo"

was the spell

and that severed lady head quivers with real tongueee.. looooong gummy tongue appear.. have to split that lady severed head with knife while groping the long black hair before the spell got worst.

i woke up having that chill all over me specially on my face my tummy and on my brain. scary as shit as ever 

09/01/22

-just dreamt im riding a brompton bike and riding to a coast (seems in my hometown in madridejos) sadened with trashes piling up at the sea 

.07/13/2022

-dreamt of gerald, my ex, we sort of seeing eachother again and he even go down for sex with penetration even though he is a pure "side". 

03/16

-dreamt of bjork

we went out of town 😅

then the day after i meet russ who said bjork just had a concert in a high school near north luzon a day before i saw here. but we missed it. since its a silent project of leni and i dunno if bjork was paid or she sang for the future gen.

02/28

-dreamt of orca

02/18/22

-woke up with this sad and heart wrenching dream as i felt all this concentrated heart pain that i denied and some of them i sit with.. on seing the intensity of my loneliness in a form of thousands of empty bottles of liquors consumed to numb my pain for all the years i was single and trying to be happy. 

waking up feeling so terrible.

02/03/22

-had 10 hrs of sleep after two nights of no sleep due to substance intake. i had this good dream turn into a bad dream. it turns back when john2x is little our bunso. he is such a source of happiness. we had a family celebration and we even surprised him. one key element is, they surprise him with a live frog and the frog ate his snacks.. it was fun.. and then later at night i can no longer find john, so i ask him where is he. and then my mom told me in her usual but such a sad and mourning tone: "susulatan nalang kita dong" don na ako nag wala.. i tried with all my energy to scream each word i wanna say but instead i heard myself in a weird whaling sound: "ang puputa nyong lahat"

gosh i really have to stop and never abuse my intake.

09/30/21

woke up with dream that i head to puerto gallera. and saw ralph, jm, and the rest of the SL gang. ot was rm 8296799 sometjing at 8000th flr 😅 ..they said why i left my new friends allen and russell. i caught myself saying ive been taking care lf my family for a long time.. you will tale care of your happiness, and i will take care of my happiness.

09/14

-such vivid, wonderful, weird yet logical dream i have

me russ and lem went out of town. went to beach where we have this conversation with some foreigners. one female caucasian told as a local story about a beach house/lodge at the very front of the shore where some horny people get there to do outdoor sex at dusk til dawn. then i went for a walk as if to buy something and saw these kubo burning. found out that the cause was this purple tiktak small pebble looking candy watusi cause it.. these fancy looking firecracker lined up all the streets and i warn the immediate house nearly that this will cause a major fire. the person i warned happened to be his idea to put this fancy firecracker to announce his home coming from working abroad 😅 and he spent thousands just have this done. later that day as if russ lem and i were resting, i noticed russ is givine me a blowjob. i immediately stop russ and found out hes doing this because lem is having a sexual encounter with. another guy. this guy is half black and saw his grindr profile that have a video showing his mastery in deep throating. lem looks buffed and huge with pecked muscles. russ tried to win him over while making lambing but lem is kind of frustrated on something and he made out with this black guy to get even. while russ and lem are woeing i have a call from chao romero.. we have this conversation as if we were long lost friend and told her that even after a long time i can feel her sincerity and there was this genuineness about her.

09/01/21

-dreamt of pangasinan.. or a town near a coast. historical places and beaches. saudade. having this vibrant vibe of summer.. alone and melancholic yet filled with excitement

02/22/21

-had a beautful dream of having this guided tour of a sacred place, huge triangular blocks that represent sto. nino. underneath is a clear water reflecting the universe and m dipped into it and was cautious i might fall into an abyss

-a sort of weird sinulog going on, we joined the parade.. had fun with female companions was it my cuzn bb, and then rhoda.

-dating and in love with a guy who was a crush of someone else who that he have to hide in the cafe

02/14/21

a guy who was born in 1991

saying he is a mess

me telling he is already brave for recognizing and accepting it.

seeing my own bones and the idea of having it displayed in a museum

a convention

with all of the people i know in the past no more social distancing

people i know from high school

from work

and then everything turned all into jellyfish billions of jellyfish

12/02/2019

Keeping the head of a priest.

Quareling with owens wife, designer

Arturo

10/08/2019

Dreamt about doing exclusive yoga with rihanna.

And she shared some cyrstal candy with me and suppose to do "something" but its just sweet and have no high effect.

Dec 02 2019

River, tundra.. Oasis..

I have crystals and blue gems on my neck and i felt the vibration so i was humming and dancing in ethnical movements as i was able to feel the coming of tribes, and there are hundreds of them, russ included. Its like malasimbo or art biennial or hk bassel

I saw vera and chai and their most amazing entrance, chai giving lectures and she is blabbering words of wisdom while we vocalizing like elsa in the movie frozen.. People from fine arts such as ms..ms. Estella and the likes were there. Chris bajade spotted me telling: we need you here. You need to be here. (In the art fare, art world, art community)

There was this huge artwork by "marie ________"

Huge artwork on glass frame and its like holographic that when you gaze from left to right, the image of fetus? Or an embryo from behind is being transformed into phallic or captured into something controlled and then it ends with two green blob fish pun intended. With a lot of dedication from "marie".. And then ivan smashed it into pieces it turns out it is just pages from magazine.

12/19/2020

dream about excursion with chai and Balde ni Alan

it could have been their major career moment

then someone, a devil is holding the pendulum of our breakthrough.

need to kill and fix that sumpa

sad memories

entry#2

i talked with this guy who i met in neopolitan for a cruise. after sex and walking, he then talk about his life story. we are having dinner at McDonald's that he can't bear discussing it inside. it must be very a heavy subject that we have to get back to the darkness, where, somehow comfort lurks, within the hidden area which i thought was only meant for nonsense fucking.

he said that he lives in his lola here in fairview. he is only 19, still on last of senior highschool year. still a student and no job to support himself. the reason behind he is not with his parents is that his father died due to heart attack when he was only 4 years old and his younger sister around 1 year old, his mother, who is still dealing with the loss of her husband have to deal with supporting her two children. she lost her mind and gone mentally ill. up until now.

i was so struck with how her mother got so affected with the pain. told him he is still lucky that his mother is still alive and death caused his parents apart.

unlike my auntie Merlie. together with my 2 cousins was left behind by her husband by a different woman.

my auntie was so affected she doesnt have the will to cope and got defeated with cancer in a span of few months, and eventually death.

pain is definitely such a strong force but we have to be stronger than pain. im still in pain with KF and i am slipping through the cliffs of sadness and craziness but i have to remind myself that i have to go through this. we have to endure pain and overcome it.

entry#1

-i had a sister. but she passed away at the very young age due to measles. me and my kuya almost died due to meales as well since we were brought to remote province in Samar were it lacks hospitalization and pediatric care. my mother had PTSD.

sometime in 2017, my kuya called saying: chloe, my niece, cant make home from Pampanga. my mother burst into tears and fainted. i also found myself scrambling on the floor crying. but we found out that kuya and his partner, jane break up and chloe will stay with her.

my mother who raised chloe since birth became so agitated gone through post partum depression. that was so terrible 

08/2022

08/31

-still cant over with Cari's crying when his brother in law, whom she have fond memories of and very dear to her, passed away. have to console her in person. 

08/30

-im somehow relieved with my depression, was able to 1 month worth of laundry.

-it feels good to feel good again.

08/29

-watched joshlia's i love you hater, but the quote that struck me the most is from sasha (kris Aquino)

"You cannot force someone to love us, but we can only force ourselves to keep on loving—kahit na nagmumukha ka nang tanga. Kahit nasasaktan na tayo."

08/28

-started not to message KF, as i felt im the only one who kepts on msging him. that he is forced to respond on my daily msges. i want to determine if he have the guts to say what he wanna say to me without me initiating a conversation. 

- went to starlight, because im tired of watching internet movies at home. also i just wanna hear people singing. or simply i just wanna go out. re meet this guy who knew me. he said we met at F so i later recognized him. we shared table and between drinks, he asked me about my place, i told him it was a mess because im in "a mess". specially my sheets are not washed for almost a month since i want to retain KF's essence on it. he said he find it sentimental.

08/27

-its a weekend but i dont feel any excitement, instead i want to wallow underneath my blanket and pillows, which are not washed since KF was with me. almost a month now.

-another episode of sadness and depression. i felt so lazy and dont want to do anything or be with anyone.

-but i have to walk to eat, have to go to philcoa at the death of the night as there's no more eatery in our area.

-passed by a cutie along univ.ave who reminds me of langga.babe (see ref) and then also meet a hot encounter at jolibee philcoa, gosh that was so intense.

-i got so muddy and dirty, tried checking rapture if its already open and found out a similar place called spectroom along stanford st. i had fun and crazy time as usuall. and seeing people from yesteryears makes it nostalgic. (malate era, cubao era)

08/26

-i got so giyang that i have to contact jade and zaeed. even tried to find new source.

-later i realized it was a broken heart cloaked in drug craving.

-as i associate coping with broken heart with partee n play.

08/24-25

-eat out with claire and yka at yellow cab visayas. fun times

-weekend is approaching so i asked KF what his plans. he told me he will work overtime on Saturday and a gig on a Sunday. as much as i understand and give him the space he needs, i felt sad since it's going 3 weeks we haven't seen eachother. 

08/23

-inform russ that bjork will be performing in Japan! and hopefully we can see her live, together.

-was screaming inside and will definitely do whatever it takes to score a ticket. what better way to visit my "ultimate" asian country with my most favorite artist. its like hitting two birds in one stone.

08/21

-monette's mom passed away. went to their place in manda and visit her with baby tyrone and her partner, echo. first time i played card (tong its) for the whole night. it makes me feel like tang wei in an Ang Lee's film. although Tang Wei played mahjong. Mint and I somehow gone through the years passed by and somehow assured her that her mom is in a better place knowing she is now have a lovely family of her own.

08/20

-its rainy Saturday

bed arrest and cant even drink coffee as it should be avoided for atleast 5 days from extraction.

re watched, "Love, Rosie"

and AJ and the queen

-watched local eps of Darna, Music and the beat, broken mariage vow

08/19

-having this bad dream of programming error? which leads me to psychologically and physically crashing. need to reboot myself, i usually press that nodal point between my eargate and temple to achieve dead ears for atleast 60 secs

-KF and I were msging again, he doesn't know i feel shitty all these times. i wish i can flip through the pages of julio and i when we were together, trying to grasp on those days when i was able to make it work. as if a recipe i need to recall. i dont remember how i did it or just meant to happen.

 

08/18

-totally sad and sort of preparing myself for another major heartbreak from KF since he is not msging back.

-had my tooth extraction and crazy how the dentist ask me if i want to keep extracted tooth so she can clean it. well its been with me for 37 years.. but no, i have to let it go.

-still have duty tonight 

-work with a heavy heart and heavy jaw.

-listen to Morissette amon's naririnig mo ba ako on the loop 

08/16-17

-try to be optimistic at work even ms. minsy who ive starting to know in my new team just resigned. we had despidida at max. i became an instant decorator and emcee with claire.

-got kilig with tan, my new office mate. ahaha. but hes just too young for me.

08/15

-Daryl msged me again. was surprized it was him. blocked him for the reason that he is a user and can't keep his promises.

08/14

-felt sad about kf not msging me anymore.. im not sure if he is just having fun at the bday party that he attended with his sister or if we are completely over. like he is in the verge of ghosting me

-slept a bit but woke up with the bright full moon at russ' Syquia windows with the view of manila bay

08/13

- was suppose to watch Pamilya Ordinaryo at CCP for cinemalaya tribute for Eduardo Roy Jr kaso its too early and i need quality sleep.

-still heading to manila. will be meeting Russ in Syquia instead 

-we prepared mocha with mj leaf as garnish 

-had some drinks at rooftop of rue bourbon

08/09-12

-ive havent seen KF for a long time, its running 2 weeks since the last time ive been with him. i am starting to terribly missing him. although we msge once in a while but its totally different when i am with him and talk to him in person 

-kept on watching the broken mariage vow. mesmerized with jodi's acting skill, she makes a very hard and heavy character looks easy. the plot and twists cause me to binge watch. there were times i am not able to get enough sleep since i got so hooked.

-totally blessed with my current work, i have so much free time.

08/08

-gosh, felt the genuine love and super good vibes with the latest Bretman rock mtv following season 2 with her sister

the one on therapy also kind of provided me insight.

the finale lingered with so much reverberation and created so much emotion ripples within me

08/06

aling puyo

moment by moment

aki ari

08/05

-went to Cinemalaya opening night

-one of the worst flood ever

-stuck in manila

-no choise but to worked on a cramped bus since its running 3 hours and i need to finish some work items. imagine standing with my laptop while approving death claims? crazy..

08/01-04

*needs revision

-reminiscing my date with KF

im not sure if it turns out to be ok specially we clash in terms of views. and he got turned off with my views as UPian (he is apolitical and his deeply seated christian idealogy)

*he is not pro revenge while me i am so eye for an eye tooth for a tooth person

07/2022

07/30-31

-date with KF

-first dinner with his moms adobo

-coffee at sbucks technohub

-tokyo2 

-had migraine he assisted me

sunday 

-coffee nomu

-samgyup at maginhawa

-we had soju

-we open out, him with his paranaque guy me about arturo

cried infront of kf about arturo

07/23

-saw this two guys around UP ikot at night, who i thought were my fubu from kalayaan, they kind of looking at me so i approached them. 

found out they are completely different, but the other guy looks very cute and hot.

so i straight forwardly say that he is my type, and if they want we can do threesome together.

and with some hesitations, they said yes. so i brought them at my favorite spot near tennis court and we did outdoor fun.

it was intense and i felt lucky one more time, kissing the cuter guy. how much more when i sucked him, don a condom and he fucked me frm behind. while the three of us kissed torridly. 

one of the hottest scene i had.

***

cant get over with the cuter guy so i ask him to get my number.

07/19-21

-lutang

07/17-18

-done instalift facial, ventosa and diy spa when i got home.

-cried so hard with yasmin and jc's pinoy version of more than blue

-ikaw at ako at ang ending.

-still thinking of the nectar crush and even tried searching for him in nectar fb page. no luck

-had an ultimate cruise session at University ave, i end up having a romantic talk, 3sum and armpit fetish, cum swallowing from a cutie in one night. it was great.

-went to my fave spot at dagitab scene across oble and done free flow yoga. it was one of the most wonderful practice.

-i felt so at peace and so blessed that im feeling what it is to be human. troubled yet thankful.

07/16

-met monette and eco at bgc and tried mints crispy pata, it was really good. mint and i then had a heart to heart talk over beer. regarding her dilemma with ecco and she wanting to leave with her baby. i remind her that she wanted and prayed for this to happen. i advised her to always go back to her initial intention.

-suppose to meet mark abargos for obar, but i end up at nectar. gosh i saw this ultimate guy, he is maldita but he is my ultimate type. not able to really hit on him but was super kilig when he brushed his back on my lips and able to smell him. gosh. but he end up going home early and me so so fucking wasted and end up kissing other guys. gosh. but my ultimate dream is to end up with him. i wish i should have asked him if i can walk him home.

-almost died in angkas as im so sleepy. i vomitted when i got home.

-remedied my drunkeness with tumeric so i wont end up having hangover when i wake up

-super wasted

07/13

-j.lo and stuart's wedding. we went to malabon with shawe and max and be mesmerized with a transgender married to a guy. it can really happen and love wins..

-got favour from ms. minsy for this immediate request, saying that i couldnt miss this as i might end up having the sumpa na hindi makasal. she laughed and im happy she allowed me with this request.

07/10

-went to trinoma for max to see her lavarn gurlnates. me and shawe bond via starbucks rooftop and facial at sm north

07/09

-max and shawe came in frm samar. im so thrilled to host them

-my room was polished, and accentuated with plants and scented candle from Baguio

-it felt cozy 

-we went coffee at nomu and then took some pizza and have a picnic at sunken garden

-we later went to comodia

-we had so much fun and so much drink that i end up so wasted.

07/06-08

-finally registered in residence

-haggle with maam may lyn and doc dee about my grade for my thesis

i felt so down as i thought i can make it this midterm as im. planning to my masters and LEPT review

-able to overcome my dissapointments via positive illusion, thinking that i may end up with my future husband at the same review center or at the same school i soon be teaching 😅

-i have this sudden hope of teaching and settling in Baguio

07/05

-felt productive with my bills, payment and account info.

07/04

-spent the last day of my 5 day long weekend with carri and josh at the los hermanos in tungko. very wonderful pool. at the center of nature resort with warm water.

-it was a marvelous get away.

07/01-03

-just rest stay in my room. sleep all day long. had massage and ventosa

-samgyup with my team mates in claims. had taken so much meat and we also drank so much soju. but it was a good bonding

-tried going at the back of sm fairview/centinial jog path. no luck with cruising but found this cute daddey and we just smiled at eachother. the moment i finished my early morning drink then i left.

-finished watching stranger things s4

06/2022

06/30

-heading back to manila

it appears that i almost have what i should feel in a span of two weeks.

the kilig guy in the cafeteria who appears to be a manager of a trucking services

ive seen him twice this time without his mask on. he is super cute..

the lover boy accountant

-reminds me of arturo. he have his charms and he is my ideal bf/husband.

-dinner dates, but he doesn't drink nor drinks coffee

the call center fuck boy

- who visited me in my pod and we did it sa storage room

the feeling celebrity

- he looks great in pictures huge dick, nice room, great sex but he is selfish in terms of 

the veniz outdoor

-6th floor, at the balcony, overlooking session rd and the city of Baguio 

toxic cutie boy 

-drinks and smokes a lot

-we had a drinking session at the rooftop bistro

06/29

0405984435

joyce nemedez - sydney australia

-grabeh na antig parin ako sa story ny nemedez couple who both worked in hyatt baguio and survived the 1990 luzon earthquake. supposedly duty sila until the end of the day but since shes pregnant of her 2nd child they have to be off from work early. if they stayed til later part of the afternoon, they could have been one of those passed away when the hotel collapsed.

-also the manang who sells flowers from the simbahan who says kakunti lang ang pamumuhay nya basta marangal.

06/27

-warched s4 ep dear billy on stranger things. max's letter saying: "let's try again" 

speak so much volume to me

-i found the cutie who stayed at the pod across me gone, i wish all of my room mates are as cute and as clean as he is. he made our room sweet smelling. gosh i will miss him.

06/26

-coffee in the middle of session rd, literally

-cant get enough of sunday morning vibe so had cheese cake and heirloom coffee at session hill road

-after the whole package spa

i felt like a new baby

06/25

-date with frank

-he got fever so i just snuggle and cuddle with him all night long

june 24

i felt like an expat, dining to different fancy restaurants.

its more of a reward for anything harsh or great moment i had.

tuloy ang buhay

june 23

its been officially one week since im here in baguio

walked towards the diplomat hotel. just basked in the serenity. fresh crispy air.

an idea came through me about if u were to choose a place to stay here in baguio.. where it will be?

well baguio is densely populated already plus there are a lot of tourists. so the niciest view would be the one at the very top of the mountain. it kinda reminds me of muarakmi's after dark, when there was this story of the three brothers. where the third brother choses to push his boulder at the very tip most of the mountain even if he would only lick on ice for water and nible on moss for food. 

june21

one of the most beautiful invocations i've ever experienced.. 

the music: lyrics, voice, instruments, vibration, the heart and soul that flows within this moment seems to be in perfect alignment with the universe.. 

love and gratitude ❤️🙏

june 19

-baguio yoga convention 

-

dina salonga

healing for incurable diseases

publico

casa

bon fire.

one piece

06/17

-end my claims training with mel and boss GP. they dont know i am in baguio. ahaha good thing the place i stayed have fast internet connection

-had my first morning in baguio after my shift.. goooosshhh. its so coooorrrrd. very cold.

- innaugurate my celebration with taho filled with caramelized strawberry on top! just sooooo good. never felt so ecstatic for a long period of time.

- walk around burnham park at 5am is so prestine but still alot of people i will try to get there much early so i could have it on my own.

- seeing the lake with the swan boats make me miss julio or that feeling of being in loved. my memories of us flooding back.

- had dinner at good taste and finally had the cream puff that ive been craving for for looong long period of time.

- i felt happy

06/16

-angkas is so rare during rush hour, i have no choice but take the taxi. i end up with a chatty driver, he is into triathlon. went through hardship but manage to take good care of his health.

major best practices i got from him

1. if you join a 21k run, then practice running 22k or more 

2. eat a lot of boiled eggs two days prior the event

3. anticipate you have no sleep during the event so you have to practice more

4. fatality is common so you have to be in good condition

5. swimming, biking and running is a way of life. indeed it is his life. he was a fisherman, a driver, and a mover.

angkas could have caused me for only 100, my by taxi bill was for 250. and i almost arrived late. i will just think the difference as a seminar fee for his talk 😅

-accompany myself with bjork as i pass through endless Fields, cliffs and mountain slopes. full album of vespertine, vulnicura and some videos from her Icelandic orkestral

-the moment i saw the familiar pillars connecting to the Cordillera's i can officially say this is it!

-arrived in baguio right after duty. with long trip and no sleep. im so haggard

06/15

-excited for my baguio trip. have to push for it no what what. will be staying there for two weeks..

06/14

-watched four sisters and ap wedding, crazy

06/13

-having vivid dreams bec of the kush. its so potent and high grade. 

-revel and just tone down

06/12

-staycation at prime city hotel with carri and joshua. quality moments with good breakfast, pool, unli coffee.

-hot encounter with the guy from mezanine, tall dark and yummy. he's originally frm taguig. we came tremendously together. that was a good sex

06/11

-aurora 2022 wuth cari and josh

06/07

-started my day right with me and mel started with claims analyst.. my dream to become a digital nomad will come to life.

-at midnight, Mel's bday on the 8th

-but i end up sharing a bad client with carri also with Marilyn. such a way to end a day. 

-went to my favorite diner in KNL and have my comfort food: liempo, dried pusit and egg.. 

06/04-05

-went to carri's place to celebrate calvin's bday

-had great time with the olero's with the videoke

-pnp since GV

-met a moreno version of christian Bautista

06/02-03

-stranger things 4

06/01

-june is here

so as the midyear rain

a constant reminder

part of the strength in vulnerability program was to made a collage, on what the universe is telling you; through image and a caption.

the image of the horse travelling in a parched cracked land really captivates me. im seing myself with it. 

i am simply swinging by. i felt monotonous and dull. 

coincidentally, the magazine i was given was with this title (or i guess its the name of the magazine itself). we were given only 5 minutes to come up with a collage and a message to share. i was flipping through the pages but there's no better caption than the name of the magazine itself!

so now, in retrospect and in divine interaction, i am looking at this as a reminder. as if a sticky note on your desktop, saying i have to bring back colors in my life. or simply look for limitless variety specially during the time of monotony. or simply there are instances that life is really dull, as part of the shadow of a colorful life. 😅

whatever it is, this will be a guiding message, a compass, to an ongoing journey, to which im heading towards location of solutions.. 

love and gratitude

🙏❤️🙏

05/2022

05/31

-post holiday, busy

05/30

-for my 4 day weekend, i just reminisce who are my best sex for this year so far. and it will be the medical guy from perpetual sucour and also this motor cycle guy in biri.

05/27

-long weekend for me

-partee invites, end up with 3sum. the other one looks like paolo contis, while the other one is a 5'11 guy.. it was hot encounter

05/26

-finally submitted my 1st chapter, then reward myself watching Netflix: jigaro and the witness

-got insomnia due to hot weather

05/25

-breakfast with the gang team sakalam at finio.. it was a hearty meal

05/24

-talked with daryl and he mentioned about his std symptoms. cant help but got worried about him

-what bothers him bothers me so i got to help him. help him unload the emotional and psychological weight 

-insomnia strikes me. things that bothers me:

work load/system issue

academic papers

05/23

-sit in on an oral defense

-realized ang layo ng study ko, gosh 😅

-still depressed

-finished watching the haindmaiden and have that strong feeling to rewatch the portrait of the lady on fire.

-both are mesmerizing yet, just like the poet's choice, i love a sad ending

05/22

-went to cainta in the middle of rainy thunderstorm via angkas (motorbike) in the city. crazy. the guy who im suppose to meet cant be contacted for hours, i passed by gerald's familiar place (my ex) so 

-i went inside gerald's subdivision and try to re envision what we had before. soaking in around his neighborhood 5 years ago

my memory of the place is totally vague and cant even locate his place. what i remember is our early morning breakfast of which he is the one who prepares and our walks going in and out his subdivision

-still the guy who im suppose to meet didn't msge, so i went inside Robinsons cainta and had massage, it was really good. i felt sooo sleepy after.

-finally meet my date and just spent the night with him but je snores so loud and became restless so i took my may home

05/21

-weekend, supposedly meet carri and josh but got upset with simple matter, as simple as my favorite pair in nomu not available. it stress the hell out of me and never knew it was already depression

-im becoming scatter brain again

-turned down lots of invites

-even walked out from a 3sum with a couple as felt weird and i just cant stand it.

-walk along visayas ave while listening to murakami's afterdark. my seemingly favorite book when i felt im in the dark

05/16-20

-onset of rainy season

-i just wanna stay in bed

-i dont feel like doing anything

-feel unpretty

02:15 

05/15

-went bathing in the rain

-bjorks headphones ringing in my mind. done movements

-never had so much peace since post election

05/14

-session at chill top with carri, xy, becca and be with didi's weeping over a heart breaking love affair

05/13

-healing comes in prayer

attended the pasasalamat rally at ateneo and comforted with overflowing peace and love

05/11-12

need healing

05/10

-broken

di ko na mabilang ilang beses na ako ma heartbroken, pero sa araw na to, parang feeling ko 10x more yung hapdi. 

its weird since this time, its not due to a break up. not because binusted ni crush, or nag loko si boyfriend. it is because of the love of one's motherland. maybe because this is my first na hindi romantic yung heartbroken, akalain mo, at 37, na fe feel ko pa to?!

kaya di ko mapigilang umiyak. ng sobra sobra.

yung hagolhol habang naglalakad pauwi na wala kang paki if mey makakita sa yo na ibang tao..

gayunpaman, na aamazed parin ako sa universe sa mga walang katapuzang zurpriza.. bringing back a childlike wonder. life indeed never fails to amaze me. 

bagaman, mey ngiti at umaapaw na kapayapaan dala ng yakap ng kanyang hiwaga.

kapit-bisig 

tumindig

sa pag ibig

🌸❤️🌸

05/09

-election day, went to UPIS 11am qnd its almost 1 the queue inside is still too long

done voting and freshen up exactly at 13:51

gosh almost 3 hours 😅

rm 311

cluster 1192

i never felt so awake and so alive for a long time. 

this is the most beautiful fight that i am proud i took part of.

yung hirap at pagod na napapawi ng saya at pag asa ay ni kailanman makaka limutan sa laban na to. 

this era nurtured within me a sincere reconnection and pure intimacy with estranged family members, long lost friends and even random strangers. i mostly isolate and now i found myself engaging with a large community. these are just few of the wonders i will forever treasure.

i will consider this as my golden, or rather, the pinkiest era ever in my life until my dying day.

i am, forever, grateful.

🌸🙏🌸

05/07

-went to meeting de avanci at makati

-got lucky to get near the stage and saw vp leni and her senatorial candidates