"you are never fully dressed whitout a smile"

to veruscka and to the universe that she owned this day..

post midnight idiosyncrasy

it's darn weekend and I'm stuck in the washroom trying to dry off my beer-sweat-soaked- cigarette-reeking shirt.

darn, last night was a blast'

ug sa dihang nangabasa'

I just stayed in my room for a good couple of minutes (from two day domestic life in Danao) when my phone screamed and Russ, whose on the other line, told me they are heading North. Russ has his random urge to go any place again, and Vera and Chai are already tagging along with this spur of the moment escapade. Ok, so I asked where?

and Russ told me they're heading North, to Danao.

I just came there and I'm slightly exhausted from the trip. But I can't erase the idea of missing the moment with them, so without a trace of hesitation in my voice i flash the green light.

Ok go. Fine..

We are like little children who went out for a trip without any plans in mind. One thing that excites us is the beach. since its quite a moonless night and the place could be deserted, to dare for skinny dipping is a must. We can't wait to plunge into the dark water. But our anticipation were drenched as heavy rain drowned the entire region. Even though we are still miles away from our destination, we are already beaten wet.

It is like a declaration that summer is about to end, since the dusty road now turns into a muddy highway. Once we step foot in Danao, we hurriedly took shelter to a already closed resort. With guilt, we trespassed the place and stayed in one of the cottages. yayks!

the place that surrounds us is quite dark, we only have a glimpse of it each time a lightning flashes across the unseen sky. The cottage is quite inviting and we stayed there for the night. talking, laughing, being scared with passing strangers, getting cold, listening to the rain, sleeping, aimlessly wondering about our own arbitrary thoughts, sleeping side by side on a table but no skinny dipping.

nagkabalikos

naglingkod sa daplin
sa kapehan
akong gi-ginhawa
ang aroma
sa distansya natong duha
diin liboan ka kilometro
ang nagbuwag sa atong kalag
nga kanunay gilamoy sa aso' sa paghandum

daw suba sa kapait
ang akong tasa
diin ako:

nalumos
nalumos
nalumos

nalumos sa kinalawman sa akong kamingaw

sa ngitngit
misubay kini akong mga tudlo
nga nikurog, nituskig
dayon sa pag-kalma niini
sa dihang nahutdan na ug kinabuhi.
susama sa mga liboang hilo
nga gihomol sa dagat,
nag'wara-wara sa ilawom sa tubig.

maayo unta nga mabaling ka
sa akong mga tudlo nga ginama sa hilo
aron mabati nimo ang mga pulong
nga dili naku ma'ilitok
kay naliso man sa akong dila

maayo unta nga mabaling ka
sa akong mga tudlo nga ginama sa hilo
aron mag'kahi-usa ta
taliwala sa distansya
nga nagbuwag kanatong duha

ug sa taknang panahon
mahibalik ka kanako
ug sa hangtud sa hangtud
'tang duha magkabalikos.

sa pagka'karon dinhi sa daplin sa kapehan,
akong gi-ginhawa
ang aroma
sa distansya natong duha
diin liboan ka kilometro
ang nagbuwag sa atong kalag
nga kanunay gilamoy sa aso' sa paghandum

sa akong kapungot

ako nang gilubong akong kamot
sa kalagot
sa kasamok
sa kapungot

ug sa dihang nahi-abot ka
hala, wala kay swerte
ikaw ang nabuthan sa akong kalagot
ayaw ko basola kung nabusdakan tika
ayaw ko mahaya kung nag-abot ta
karong adlawa
kay ikaw ang nag-pasegrab ani akong
ni-upos nga pasensya

dah, nabuthan ka noon
sa akong kapungot
nawindang ka sa akong kasilag
napaknit imong pagbati
natunok ka sa akong gimpangsabwag na thumbtacks
busa imong gi kamang ang yawe
sa imong luspad na kapalaran

dili gyud ko mangayog pasaylo
dili ko mangayog despensya
kay wala ka masayod sa akong gibati
tulo na ni kaadlaw nga ako nagpailub
gi-kumkum kining pasensya nga nag'awas-awas
bahala ka uroy
kung mangaway ka
bahala ka uroy
kung mag-yawyaw ka

ayaw ko samoka
leche ka!

alang kanimo

ako nang gihalad ang akong kasing-kasing

akong gihimbisan
gi kuwaan ug hasang
ug gibukyad
sa kainit
dihang ni evapora
ang pisik sa dugo
nga ni kurog
dungan sa paghilak ning akong dughan

ni kinang sa akong mga mata
ang unod nga ni sayaw
sa matag hapak sa kasilaw sa adlaw
sa dihang kini ni kuyos
ug nauga dungan sa pagtaghoy
sa akong kaguol

sakto ra ba sa kaparat?
sakto raba pagka-uga?
sakto na ba ang timbang
sa kabug-aton sa akong gibate
aron matagad mo kini akong gidalit
para lang kanimo

sakto na ba akong gibuhat aron ka makahibaw
nga sa hagbay na panahon
ako: magpabiling mo-alagad kanimo
nga ako: hangtud sa hangtud mo dangup kanimo
apan dili pa kini sakto
aron mo angay sa imong garbo

busa, ipabilin ko kining akong kasing-kasing
nga gabukyad sa mga matang na walay katin'awan
nag-uga sa gugma nga walay klaro
apan tuskig sa pagbati
alang kanimo

sa kamingaw

kung ako:
gaminghoy, mikuyos ug nalaya
kung ako:
nakugang, nagping-it sa kalagot
buhok nangalarot

sud-ungon tika sa kamingaw

kung ang akong
mga dangoyngoy
panalangin ug pangamilit
nangapalid uban sa unos
nga gidala ni hanging habagat
hala sige, kilatan tika sa kamingaw

kung kita,
nag-abot sa parula
diin atong mga damgo nag-abot.
apan napidpid sa pangpang
ug nangapaksit ang atong mga dughan

hala sige, ibusdak ko akong kamingaw

didto sa isla sa pagpangamilit
itanom ko kining pangutana
nga sa dugay nga panahon
ni turok, nangalingsing
ug nigamot gikan sa parat nga balas:

intawn sa kamingaw sa akong kalag,
ngano ikaw man?

meandering in the labyrinth of queries

Everytime you try to sleep,
what's the usual thing that come's up to your mind?

inside the bus, what keeps you from getting bored?

what is the maximum days does a sperm cell survives in the pharynx?

when a suicide bomber explodes, what's her last facial expression?

if u get drowned,
do your fingers throb and stiffened or do they sway in the water gracefully as they die.

keeping the tradition

today, i want to be in a place i've never been to yet.

the first few minutes after the clock hits midnight, i was catering to a virtual customer who needs to change her billing address on her account. I assist her with glee, each words that comes from my mouth send assurance across the airwaves.

when i'm done done with today's work i finally decided to keep the tradition. the year before last year, i was in Olanggo. then just a year ago, i went to Malapascua. Now i want to go to Sipaway island. It is an island located just nearby San Carlos Port in Negros Occidental---located on the western coast of the country.

On my way to the south bus terminal, i pass by Cebu Doctor's hospital and have the urge to go there just to peek on their nursery section. i saw bunch of newly born babies. My eyes were drawn to a baby boy who was born just on the crack of dawn on this day, April 09 2008. Reading the tag on the sterilized crib, his name is Ochea.

Afterwards i passed by at the Basilica Sto. Niño and marvel the old church's grandiosity. the newly woke up sun licking its humongous wall turning the edifice a glowing spiritual monument. it's totally magnificent when u get inside the church and you have this floating feeling as if your walking into a higher dimension. i proceeded to the annex where u could see the famous little child icon on His reign. Forever smiling. I later then went outside to the patio and light up some candles and murmur my prayers.

The moment i arrived at the south terminal, i settled on a bus bound to Toledo. The travel from Cebu City to Toledo would take around 2 hours and will cost you Php60.00. The operation manager attached a TV and a DVD player inside the vehicle for the intention to keep the passengers from getting bored. Well, i am greatly annoyed. They're showing a war movie and the their speakers are too loud. So imagine hows the effect of each bullet and grenade that explodes. As much as i want to deviate my attention, i couldn't keep my eyes on the American soldier who starred in the movie who happened to be so darn hot. So there goes my sexual fantasy, as bumpy as the road we pass by.

Finally, we arrived in Toledo. I scored a vessel ticket bound to San Carlos. Too tired and sleepy, i dozed off while on board. The bustling of the passengers who can't wait to get out wake me up. So i'm officially here in San Carlos. I could hear most people speak in Hiligaynon. I asked a tanned ship crew when will be the last trip way back to Toledo. And i also tried to speak with the locals on how to go around the area. I even found myself pressed to speak in Tagalog since most locals speak in Tagalog when i tried to speak in Cebuano... ahh ok.

Now, i got the whole place to explore. Sipaway, the island that i would like to go to is just nearby. It is around 10-15 minutes boat ride from the wharf. I'm very enthusiastic to go around places and would love the idea of staying for days. However, due to time constraint (for the fact that i still have to work later this night) that plan is improbable. Plus, my facilitator's threatening voice keeps on ringing on my head during the first few days of training keep on ringing on my head: "You can't afford to be absent nor be late. It will certainly lead to termination"

that very notion cringes me.

Unfortunately, i stayed in a place-i've-never-been-to last just for a few minutes and have no other choice but to go back. The same tanned ship crew simply swayed his head when he have me as a passenger "again" in less than an hour, as i wrote my name in the passenger's manifesto going back to Cebu. well, at least, my first mission has been accomplished.

making my way back to the city makes me feel like forfeited. I tried to cheer myself up but i was totally consumed with disappointment, just like the mountains outside my bus window being swallowed by the advancing dusk. the sunset already passed its prime, from splashing power red on the sky to washing it to melancholic purple. flock of birds chirping their way to their nest. i feel tiny drizzle drops on my skin. they are so minute that it seems to be confused where to fall. and the last images that i could recall is the scene when i pass by some fading shores, i was thinking that they're giving up their luminosity for the meantime so they could glow back the next day.

Bjork - Wanderlust

finally! Bjork's official Wanderlust music video. Undeniably a notable leap towards 3D cinematography.

blast

seated near the railing, i usually have this infinite view of the shore from the top of the ship. at this moment nothing could blind me of what i perceive as absolute unwinding... i like it when the salty breeze dampens my cheeks as i also have the warm kiss of the sun. splashes of swirling water drown all those weary thoughts. that certain muffled sound of the waves seems to whisper me with comfort and assurance that everything will fall into place.

at this moment, i usually raise my arm, bend my spine for a good stretch and smile.
...



i officially declared "summer" when my team mates in my previous company had our "team GA" in Corduva, it was March 1. I'm about to start my training for my new account in a new company while my former colleagues also have this reassignment for either a different split or a new account still within their recent company. it is indeed a transition that I'm very much aware of.

summer in Cebu is definitely scorching hot. plus the overpassss project in Banilad makes the traffic from Talamban to Banilad a pain in the ass. and there's no way i can get away from it, for sure this will be an ongoing issue until this overpass is done---which might take a year! (mygod i need a new lodging house)

as of the moment, i need an escapade. summer in the city is a complete torture (unless you take refuge in the mall or would only go out during night time and do bar hopping)

i manage to pack some of my things up and seek shade in Danao with Julio. There i could escape the summer heat and be in the heart of urban living. I love it when i wake up in the morning and cook meals for everyone. For that Rachael Ray or Martha Stewart is constantly on the TV screen. I tend the garden. do usual household chores and sometimes baby sit for my "inanak". Plus with cable network connection and internet access, i guess I'll be sane here.

....



Holy Week came and i found myself traveling with Chai towards Bantayan. we go there with a bag packed filled with mission, uncertainty and excitement. We were picked by Bambi to help them with their movie project which features the traditional procession and the St. Peter's Basilica as the main setting.



i rub elbows with the main casts and the director whom i had an awesome time with. We always have this post work bonding session at the Kermit's where they serve chill treats and pastries. We were also had joined the Escario's with their kumbira since the first family of Bantayan proper acknowledge the project.

We have done alot of crazy stuff and party like there's no more tomorrow. we get drunk by the beach. rock with Urbandub. get wet and wild at the Pump's disco den. scherzo dances as we plunge into the refreshing water at sugar beach where the water was bombarded with laser lights and cool hypnotizing music. it was a blast to the extent we even do a sort of synchronized swimming.

again, it was crazy.

Chai and i were also blessed with wonderful accommodation. it might be one of her wishes that was answered during her first visit in Danao church, where we meet before heading toward Bantayan. We stayed at a private resort owned by Bambi's sister. It is located just beside Hoyohoy's beach resort. The three of us, (Bambi, Chai and I) also perform for their annual family get together.

The resort is definitely amazing. it's like traditional bahay kubo meets modern architecture. kudos to the designer who happen to be one of Bambi's sister. i love sipping my earl grey aromatic tea while reading "Kafka on the Shore" by Murakami on the patio which have this "Starbucks" by the sea ambiance..

sigh, if only i could extend this for some more days..

Kalbaryo

Huwebes santo,
buwan sa Marso,
desperas sa pasko sa kasakit
gibaktas ko ang kalbaryo.

ngano ania ka man
sa akong alimpatakan?
ambi naku kay nahingkawas
naku sa akong penetensya.
dili ba dugay na tikang gi-papas
sa akong panum-duman?

apan sa akong pag-prosesyon,
uban sa higanting karo,
kalit ikaw nag pahipi sa abogon na dalan
nga sa hinay gilamoy sa kangitnit sa kilom kilom
dungan sa pag dagkot sa kandila, ania ka.

tungod niana,
nalamdagan ang nangaging panahon.
ang hagbay na nga gilama na uling sa pagbati,
nagsugod nasad ug pag baga.
susama kabug-at sa mga gagmayng santos ug angheles
nga gipas-an sa ilang ginikanan ang akong pag-ginhawa.

kaybaw ka ba,
nga sa matag kita kog balik kanimo
daw imong gisamaran ning akong dughan,
daw imong gibali kining akong mga gusok
ug daw imo kung gi koronahan sang tunok
sa mga kasakit nga akong mahinumduman.

imnon ko ang suka ug apdo
sa pagpakarong ingnon ug paglimud.
gibaliw ko akong mga mata na kunohay wala kakita kanimo,
basta lang kay mahingkawas ko
aning kalbaryo.
nga sa hinay hinay kong pag lakaw,
may unta, matapos na.

vingt-trois

faire durer...

murag hapsay na ang tanan

gabii na,
niturok na ang mga bitoun sa kalangitan
nanaghuy na ang mga manok
aron mu-tugtugaok inig kadlawon.
nitiurok na ang mga langaw
dayon sa ilang pagpangamatay.

samtang ang haring adlaw
nanghasi sa pikas kalibutan,
ang reyna sa kagabhion naglaroy-laroy.
usahay mo kanta,
usahay maghagok sa iyang unlan
nga hinimu sa pinaka-humok na panganud.

murag hapsay na ang tanan

didto sa kadalanan,
naay usa ka iro nga nangita ug mahabalan,
naay usa ka iring nga nag kiay-kiay
ug mga ilaga nga nangaykay.

murag hapsay na gyud ang tanan

apan didto sa sulok
sa mangitngit na eskinita,
adunay duha ka lake nga niagi.
naghinung-hungay samtang ga-agbay,
padung sa pagkatuman sa ilang gisabotan.

didto sa sulok
sa mangitngit na eskinita,
adunay duha ka lake
nagpahungaw, nagtagbaw.

hinog ang kagabhion sa mga matang nga dili malamdagan:
mga katuyoan sa pag-bati, sa lawas
ug maingon man sa huna-huna

didto sa sulok,
sa mangitngit na eskinita.
adunay duha ka lake nga niagi.
naghinung-hungay samtang ga-lakbay.
ang ilang gisabotan,
natuman na.

Wanderlust

the latest music video of Bjork: Wanderlust (from her album Volta) has already been launched in New York. I'm very much excited with it, however, it is very disappointing that MTV Asia still don't showcase it nor in Youtube.

I believe there's a lot of Bjork's fan in Asia (although not that much who really dig into her), but for some weird and cultural reasons most of Bjork's videos are not aired. The only video that was plugged in MTV Asia is the video "Earth Intruders" for the album Volta. What happened to "Innocence" and "Declare Independence"? MTV Asia constantly bombard R&B, Hip Hop, and cheesy pop music videos. Which NOT all subscribers (who pay their cable network thousand bucks every year) are interested into.

It's not that i don't like these genres, i find some videos cool though. It's just that, there should be wide variations in the programming.

It is very sad that most music videos nowadays are getting less and less creative, minimal out-of-the-box ideas and poor imagination. as long there is dancing in a club, blings, hot bodies and whatever conventional shots have you---that would click on the screen. Feeding the naive viewers (specially the young generation) with garbage.

so sad and sickening.

new maxim

officially today, this will be my new company maxim:

"Out thinking, out doing.."

so long for my previous: "Great minds, great people"

sigh, back to scratches again.

"i see who you are"

I see who you are
Behind the skin
And the muscles

I see who you are, now
And when you get older later

I will see the same girl
The same soul
Lioness, fireheart
Passionate lover

And afterwards
Later this century
When you and I have become corpses

Let's celebrate now all this flesh on our bones
Let me push you up against me tightly
And enjoy every bit of you

I see who you are

................................................................

i always visualize two lost individuals every time i listen to this song and my germinating idea on mind is that these two individuals try to find their inner light just to find it out that the catalyst is from their significant others and thus they become one identity, a luminous cohesive couple. It is not necessary a straight couple. I even toyed a music video of this one since in the album Volta, only 3 tracks (Earth Intruders, Innocence, and Declare Independence) already have an official video. One is upcoming though which will be premiered this March 13th in New York and that is "Wanderlust". I'm imagining two couples in the dark. and their inner glow made them find and know each other.

Originally i think about two lesbian couple. just like in "all is full of love" video. But anyway i rather share the details in between sips of coffee since it might consume my whole night writing about it. (smiles)

i got this picture taken in Catmon. Showing Chai and JC as we did our pictorial in the middle of full moon night. I use Gimp 2.4.4 photo editor.

Goodnight.

"The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle"

finally, I've finished reading this book.

there goes another leap day

February 29, 2004. around 9:00 pm

i went to Mactan Old bridge. it was a moonless night. i brought with me a bank book that contains all the transactions that my Father (working overseas months ago by then) transmit each time he send money from working abroad. it caused alot of house fights between my Mama and Papa, since my father always question where goes all the money that he send every month. If Mama could speak back and not just cried, she could explain that most of his earnings went to the newly constructed house that we had had, to my older brother's tuition fees and vanities, to our meager meal from day to day, and all the usual family expenses. Mama don't smoke, drink nor gamble. Most specially, she don't have any younger boyfriend. so there is no wasted centavo on that red bank book.

walking towards the middle of the bridge, i clutch it with me, then i torn it into pieces and scatter them from the top of the bridge into the sea. i could still remember how the pieces flutter into the air then fall down into the pitch black sea. they look like white butterflies flapping gently, only to be washed by murky waters. in addition, i wrote my state of being at that time. Like what are my confusions and queries that i couldn't simply grasp. I rolled the paper and slip it inside a glass vial. Still in the middle of the bridge, i watched the glass vial slipped from my hand and fell into the black water. i smiled as i see the bank book and my individual token vanish on the night of that previous leap year.

February 29, 2008. past 9:00 pm

Recently, four years had passed. i shared this with Ludo. I told him the details of what had transpired at that day. he listen intently and in return, he provide some meaning on the major elements of that scene. The most major element is water. Water can both give us life and at the same time, could bring us to death. Settling in the middle of the bridge could be standing between two opposing points so meaning I'm standing exactly at the neutral ground. Thus I'm trying to anchor myself whatever heavy burdens that i have that moment at the same time getting rid of those issues by throwing them off. i drowned these "issues", thus putting an end to it.

it made sense to me now. that experience came as an idea that just pop up into my head and thought that it would be an ideal day to do such act. i was mere 18 years old by then. and now that i'm four years older from that certain day, i'm wondering what are my issues that i consider to face and not to throw them off yet:

• first, my parents don't have a decent place to live. Our house was sold and they're renting a small place to settle in. Because of that, i'm itching to go abroad and earn euro/pound/dollars. Even if it means that i need to be a waitress, house keeper, or a milk maid... why not? (so pathetic)
• second, i still don't have the bachelor's degree for my course (Fine Arts). for that, i couldn't take the 18 Education units, a pre-requisite for me to professionally teach Arts. I need to work my ass off to fund my education and i fear i'm getting older as i'm typing this blog. still, i'm dreaming to be a professional art teacher someday.
• third, Julio is planning to go south--- in MIndanao, he also have some things that he needs to accomplish and only God knows when he will be back in Cebu. So there come's my longest and spectacular relationship so far.
• lastly, my friends. Vera, Russ, Chai and Yen. I'm still wondering what really keep us together. like an invisible magnet that keep us bonded, i'm wondering what that certain factor that we eventually unite. Even if we have all those mood swings and tantrums, we keep on trying to be together. sometimes i could grasp, sometimes i don't. i don't i even know why i consider this an issue. we just need eachother as well as we need to be on our own sometimes. i think i'm getting nonsense.

have a night everyone...

of classroom key and a close encounter with a well

one of the earliest memory of being responsible is when i was in my 5th grade. since i always garner the title: early bird, i was assigned to keep our classroom key. So i am expected to be in the class as early as possible and let nobody waiting outside. one morning, i wake up so late that i hurry to take a bath and fix myself to go to school. surely, my classmates are waiting outside and worse, if my teacher is among them.

our water system in our town is not as sophisticated as the developed urban areas. so we don't have faucet to gather water, instead we have man dug traditional wells. we have our own personal well by the backyard and i hurriedly place my toiletries. i usually hear the echo of my own voice each time i fetch some water or try to peek through my own reflection. but at that time, i just let the bucket filled with water and try to pull the string that connects to it and pour the water into my pail. the string usually have knots so that it is easier to lift the bucket up.

the gurgling sound due to the impact of the bucket reverberates through the dark chamber of the well. the pail is about half full when i realize that the string is too short (due to too many knots) that i need to lower my body slightly for me to get some more water. Unfortunately, when i'm about to raise the bucket, i stepped unto my soap dish and the weight of the water filled bucket pulls me into the well.

togsh!

i could still remember the sight of the bottom of the well getting closer to my face. i bump into it head first. it was pit dark and i could feel gush of water flowing through my ears. all those times, i thought the water in the well is just static. that it comes clear naturally. but underneath is a current of underground water.

getting out of the well is much horrible when the time i crashed into it. i remember the mossy wall and the choking tunnel like space. i felt like an ant trapped in an ignored used tumbler. it might be the reason why i'm quite claustrophobic due to that trauma. thinking i just survived a spine tingling accident.

after that close encounter with a well, i still manage to go to school with alot of bondages on my head. talking about punctuality...

what the heck!

dead ears

i learned how to swim when i was 9 years old.

my family just moved to bantayan island from cebu city at that time. since im originally a cityboy, i have so much fear with the sea but at the same time i'm so engrossed with it. the deeper, the water, the better. so i need to learn how to swim. on my own. 

i first learned how to swim with the "doggie" style, then free style. eventually, breaststroke. every time i ran out of breath, i usually swum on my back and just simply float. i've figured how to manage my buoyancy as i naturally become at peace with the water. there is no longer fear, instead i feel at peace with the sea and with myself. 

maybe back then, my mind is more quite---i don't have any inklings about adulthood and the lives of other people. nothing can disrupt my stillness. maybe at that time, i am immersed with the gift of juvenile purity. no responsibility, no deadline nor any obligation to think of. 

such sheer joy.

i could feel my lungs deflate and expanse, my body rise and fall with the waves. when my ears are immersed in the water,  i hardly hear the surroundings due to lack of sound waves (unless there's a dolphin or any sonar relying aquatic animal which uses echolocation nearby). 

In that sense, it seems my ears are dead.

i could sense that the world is so different when my ears are dead. the background sound doesn't match what i see. it's like altered empirical sensation. the Japanese deaf/mute girl in the movie "Babylon" snippets appeared in my head, that moment when she went to a disco club where she did that partyphile dance like crazy? with the crowd around her? and see them as if in they're in a music video with the sound setting turns mute.

floating, the protruded portion of my face feels the shivering breeze, yet my body cradled by the warm womb like water. i could clearly see the vast luminous sky. i also love doing it at night, when i could pinpoint some of the astrological constellation that appears only inches away from my eyes. i could see the moon, unmoving yet threatened by the dark clouds that are about to swallow her. again, my ears are numb and hear nothing but the murmurs of the sea. if only underwater ipod is invented, i would listen to Bjork's "joga". i darn love that song, it's the first mp3 that i've ever downloaded in my playlist. 

the saltiness permeated into my skin, filling every skin pores and unto my being. my eyelashes barely fight back the sting--- utter useless, unlike the fish without it. it is such time when i feel vulnerable, off the edge, scared yet comforted at the same time. it is a heightened experience when you could drown yourself from reality for a moment. a temporary bliss.

my eyes still wide open, i tried to immerse myself completely into the water until the vision of the moon blurred and my whole self swallowed into complete nothingness. finally, i could hear something clear at this time. 'twas my own heartbeat.

another shot puhlease...

every once in awhile, i get drunk.

drinking for me is a matter of a need to take some shots and the occasion that it calls for. i have that usual itch to grab the shot glass and take my turn in a circle of "tagay-tagay". there are also times when, i rather let the ice dilute my alcoholic concoction. But these occasions usually leads me to get drunk.

my threshold for my tolerance for alcohol (let say by taking it in less than an hour sitting) would be estimated by the following proportions of these beverages:

3 stallion of red horse = tipsy
1.5 liter of red horse = wasted and vomiting
1/2 pitcher of strawberry margarita = tipsy
1/2 pitcher of strawberry margarita and 1 set of red horse = wasted and vomiting
3 shots of rum coke = tipsy
1/2 lapad of tanduay with no chaser = drunk
5 shots of dry gin with lime = drunk

---something like that. and just like anybody else, i go nuts when i'm drunk. although i really tried to be sober at first but given with cool company and cool atmosphere, i get wild sometimes. i remember one crazy night when i strip tease to a disco club. i was around 15 by then and i saw my crush dancing with a girl. and so to catch his attention, i unzip my fly and tried to expose a bit of my muffiny butt and feel the music. and so then my friends told me that everybody in the dance floor is looking at it---shock! so i grab my pants up. yayks! when i woke up the next day, remembering it turns my face blue due to embarrassment. tsk! tsk!

there was also one time at a beach party, when most of the guys are half naked. my sexual hormones rise up as i could feel the alcohol drown my conscious mind. i spot this guy whose hunk enough to keep your eyes open for hours without blinking and do the dirty dancing with him. it comes to point that i trace his bumps then move much closer to him until i could smell his body, moist with masculinity. he was sizzling like hell . and to quench my fleshly desires i lick his huge biceps unto his contoured chest and finally spot his taut nipples. and all of the sudden we are bathed with the spotlight and we became visible to every partyphile. as if a cold water splashed into our body, he repelled and try to get lost with the crazy crowd. i don't know if it was because of the light that scared him off or is it because it dawned to him that he's frolicking with a another "man". ohhh no. tsk2x, that time, i searched around for another shot.

mostly i wake up all by myself complaining with a hangover. there are times when i'm in somebody else's place. no i haven't woke up with a guy naked and wondering if we had sex or not. sorry, i haven't experienced that "sex in the city" drama yet. but i have alot of experiences waking up by the seashore.

i love getting drunk by the beach, it is less intoxicating. unlike in a bar wherein you'll suffocate with cigarette smoke filled room which makes your eyes burn and teary. when you're by the shore, you could see the moon with such clarity and the stars will swirl around her. its like a humongous disco light. then you could run until you fly and then you could dance with the waves. after you got knock off and when you wake up the next day, the hangover is less severe. and you'll never swear to yourself: "i'll never drink again"...

Gugma sa Leapyear (RED BRAIN perspective)

RED BRAIN when was the last time when the five of us had a group picture? -'twas ages!

Finally, the five of us reunite as we take part for WILA's "Gugma sa Leap Year".

Vera and Chai who are WILA (women in literary arts) fellows, read their pieces as well as they perform for the event. Yen covers the literary rendezvous as she bring along her colleagues from ABS. While Me and Russ do separate opening solo performance to spark up the platform.

We were tapped by WILA core member and acting main organizer: Bambi Beltran and we are glad that somehow due to this event, the five of us were combined together.

We had a lot of great moments that night and certainly had a blast!

All God's Children Can Dance

it's one of the six short stories in Murakami's "After the Quake".

it started with a young curious man following a doctor whom he thought to be his father. Born from a deeply rooted Christian mother, he kept on thinking that he's the son of God for all these years until his innards told him otherwise. For me, the author covers or rather scrutinize the radical Christian faith wherein dogmatic beliefs are sponged with heavenly conviction, loopholes and flaws---an absolute parallelism of what is divine and what it is to be human. Yet Murakami was able to support both clashes so strong that each side is so convincing. The story is so fluid that i can consider it as a reminiscent of Virginia Woolf's sketches.

this short story was even adapted into a film by US. Director Robert Logevall.

yet another Murakami masterpiece..

Wild Sheep Chase

Definitely a tough book. It keeps me awhile to read through the passages and the metaphor of Murakami's un/intentional messages of this book. the storyline is so simple yet manages to stir up what's real, metaphysical or illusionary.

It is an independent novel however most of its plot can be traced on its descendant novels as it is considered as the last part of the "trilogy of the rat".

I also noticed that one of the peculiar character that occur in the later part of the novel happen to be present in one of his book that i also read: Dance, Dance, dance. later i found out that the latter book is actually a sequel of the former one.

Provocative, titillating and absolutely unpredictable.. Hail to Murakami

what it feels like for a gurl..

Androgyny has always been and always be surprises mass media.

Viva Glam has Boy George as one of the endorser of their cosmetic product. in films, John Travolta had wowed the audience for his portrayal as one of the character in the movie "hairspray". then just recently a bearded muse became one of the interviewer in New York fashion week and even commended by Tyra Banks in her show.

Even long ago, the need for male performers to be versatile are very much needed and does require mature audience to see things not just "as it is" but also to try to think outside the box. theater actors portrait woman's character and mostly taken such admiration in Shakespearean acts . Sagi Musume (Heron Maiden), one of the several famous kabuki performance in Japan, mostly was even played by one of the best male performer Tamasaburo.

It always challenge me to merge two roles at the same time and completely get out of the concept of effeminacy or masculinity. i want this provocative aura each time i present myself with people specially in a performance. it might be because I'm gay and always wondering "what if I'm a girl" that leads me to venture on cross dressing. But it is actually the love to perform, the love to act and the passion to dance that made me venture in so many roles and images as i do my presentation.

all is full of love

one thing that strucks me over and over again is when i feel alone.. there are alot of times in the past and even until now when i have this feeling; to be so lonely. And sure does--- it pains to be all by yourself.

i've been a loner ever since. somehow the notion of constantly with people or with someone chokes me. so i manage to take refuge with a mug of coffee, a novel and more likely a bus ticket to nowhere.

i remmembered one instant, i was severely depressed at that time with this college crush of mine for four years, that the first thing that comes into my decision is to travel to the tip most of the island, so after several hours heading south bound, i find myself at Santander. With a view of a distant mountain and a wide span of the sea, i wonder why is that i'm so alone when alot of people feel so alone too.

In that very moment when i'm wailing my heart out, someone might be or should i say "surely" weeping in his room, a guy alone in the bar drowning his heart out or a guy sticking a gun on his throat and finally blow his mind off after realizing that nobody loves him or cares about him.
whoa, like hey, everyone is needing a somebody yet there's no bond getting into place. does it need to take a desperate move to be loved?

and i would answer yes.

exactly one year and eight months ago, i'm a searchee in the internet. drawing my chances of getting a pair. i logged in to a gay site hoping to find my luck. not contented on meeting just once i set a date for 4 guys in the same day. BUT nobody really tickles my heart, it just that in my experience it didn't work out. so i gave up the idea and stroll around in a mall. wandering aimlessly with a portable hot tea in hand, i sip the bitter circumstance that i had. until one snap of a moment struck me: for hundreds of people crossing my path, my attention get focused on this guy who happened to be also staring at me. cool huh, but i thought that: " ok, another cute passerby" he is with his barkada so the chance of him getting to know me is slim. so i erase the notion for a while. but! our paths cross again' and this time i want to grab the opportunity once and for all and boom!

we talk..

it seems like a scene in a surreal movie when the whole surrounding fades off and all you could sense is that here's the two of you getting to know each other and bond for the very first time.
to cut it all short, we click and i'm toying the idea of dead gay couples getting "kilig" of what we've been through. i can swear that those years of being so lonely and managing to cope with the emotional traumas in the past---paids off atlast.

to julio, who find my heart some veins to cling into, pumping me with red ecstacy and finaly took my dreary heart a temporary home. thank you.. i'm really grateful that i found you at that certain place at that certain time.

and let bjork sing: all is full of love

follow your heart..

underpinnings of love;

when the heart is at lost, finaly found or might be searching around.

you are invited =)

freedom day

four years had passed since i declared my first Freedom Day. since then it became a tradition or a reminder that once i acknowledge those nonsense confusion I've been through and shrug it all off.

i can't believe it's been almost a half decade since i had that turning point. i admit i had had an experience of identity crises, shaky self esteem and being doubtful of my ability. with all the support of my new found colleagues and friends around me at that time, they able to encourage me to become who i am suppose to be as they change my perspective in how should i look my life, and I'm just quite amazed how i able to overcome such self inflected issue.

looking back, i just can't resist opening my previous notes from my friends. and just smile every time i remembered all those silly moments I've been through. nonetheless, I'm more than grateful for those years since it made me a better person than i could ever think of.


let there be FREEDOM.

wading through murky waters

try to wade through murky waters, and clearly see your path towards sanity..