my unicef moment



children at patar beach, bolinao with Alan Ayuste Ramos and Mimar Castillo

 
just right after the summer of my last elementary years, i become one of the assistant catechists in our local "kapilya", in commemoration of Flores de Mayo, this is the time when we sort of teach and learn the doings of Jesus and pray the rosary. i love hearing and singing the "ave maria". well it's way back when i'm still a devout christian and a huge fan of mama Mary.

but years after that, i still find myself attached to children other than teenagers of my age. it's not pedophilia mind you, since i just find it amusing to tell stories and do creative acting that can stir their imaginations. just like telling them stories about our seaside village myths, lost spirits and crawling amputated hands which they thought to be sand crabs during the moonless night.

that leads me to become an art teacher in BRIGHT academy for more than 3 years and even had a stint on art lessons and art workshop with the children of workers from Primary Structures Corp. For me, working and interacting with children is less toxic, since most of them don't have any inhibitions and their heart is still pure from the harsh reality of life itself. And i must tell you how rewarding is being a teacher, seeing them drawing or painting their first sun or first star with you.

although i'm not imposing this--- might because at my age and if i were a biologically created as a woman, i should be giving birth, so this preconceived maternal instincts are telling me that we adults are more or less responsible on how these children think and understand the world,  so please.. take good care of the children, as the late Whitney believes they are our future.

ang mahiwagang kamera

kakulitan sa jco eastwood libis with arriane, alyssa and roy

Iba talaga ang nagagawa ng camera 360, parang pamilia Cojuanco lang ang effect--- pero sa totoong buhay, mga nagatatabas lang pala talahib sa hacienda luisita. Prost!

all you need is



weekend escapade at matabungkay batangas with shem loreto, lady hamri, karen bernardino, viginia barba and chamie palahang



of revenge, karma and curse

revenge


one of the best revenge movies i've seen in all time is Kill Bill (part 1 and 2) and the the second is still with the same director: quentin tarantino’s inglourious basterds

one of the most notable scene i could consider is how Shosanna Dreyfus gasped for breath after talking with SD Standartenführer Hans "The Jew Hunter" Landa, the person who's responsible for her family's massacre.

i got that same feeling when after several years of living life in tranquillity, was now come face to face with the girl who once accused me of stealing her money. the girl who one time killed my innocence. that night, while on top of the mt. malasimbo i want to come up with a plan of her: rolling off the cliff to her death and it would appears as an accident. but of course i have to brush it off as i'm not that evil yet.


karma

i have this college crush (2nd from my primary crush) who one time shared a story about his childhood years. he said that on his elementary years he was accused of stealing a toy or a gadget by his classmate and that caused him so much anxiety and imagine that fresh innocence from a young boy emerged in such false accusation.

that scenario unfortunately also happened to me. there was this girl who accused me of stealing money from her while im giving her a massage. for me giving someone a massage is therapeutic as making someone's body as an outlet keeps my tensions away, i got that habit when i entered a theatre org and somehow it can lessen my stage fright while i'm waiting for my turn. so i'm actually known by my org mates who can massage very well. but never a thief.

although it's nothing to be proud of but i can declare that my parents didn't spend a single centavo in my college education. i made my way to UP Cebu with less support from my parents as i have younger siblings to be taken care of and i managed be on a tuition "free" education. plus i have scholarships from Japan Helping Activities which give me school allowance every month and some stipend from our school itself as i'm one of those considered to be financially challenged. my allowance is enough for me and i'm not envious with other classmates who shouldn't even be allowed to be in UP at that time as they are too rich to be subsidized by the government. and this girl, who said she got an iphone? (which is a very expensive and "social phone" during our era) sold it to someone as she planned to upgrade for a new phone and that money was gone.

i can't blame her "katangahan" when she lost it that day i massaged her, it might be a bad karma for her why she lost her money in the first place but why blame others for the lost of it? is she afraid that her mom would know about how she sold her phone and lost all the money and then she has to find someone to be accused of so she won't receive the possible beating? and for hundreds of possible suspects on that day, i am the one whom she suspected.

even at my teenage years, im quite independent and able to find part time jobs. i could jot down these series of working experience on my resume:

*an art teacher Bright Academy

*summer art workshop facilitator (PSC)

*luna art gallery staff

*BDO children saver's club promodizer

*choreographer (san carlos, marie ernistine)

*stage designer

*fashion accessories designer


i can't remember how much was the amount she lost but she can't imagine the cost of my lost innocence the moment she spread the rumour in our school. And one time she had the guts to blackmail me by asking me to lend her a couple of thousand pesos as she needs to gather enough money for her lost money and buy the upgraded phone. i don't know why i'm so soft hearted but i lend her 2000 pesos in good faith and also to help her even if she accused me. that money fresh from a choreography job at mary ernistine for their school end program with Chai she use it as an evidence that i took her lost money. like wtf?!


more of karma and a curse, retracted

up until now, that girl owes me 2 grand and if only i can bring back the time, i would like to sue her for false accusation, unpaid "utang" and morale damages.and if karma is a bitch, she better brace herself for unparralled misfortunes as , just like what my college crush had experienced in his elementary years, this has done irreconcilable devastating effects (if not my image, since im strong enough to protect it) on my reputation.

i'm just lucky at that time that i have my bf who supported me emotionally, sunshine's dad for legal advise, my grandma and my family who believes in me. i actually cursed her one time (an agreement with the devil to put misery on her in exchange for few remaining days of my life) but i think i better retract it as Karma has its own way of working things out.

nails

my fingers tried to trace the feelings
that still linger when i see your face
in my mind
a labyrinthal landscape
Swirling into the bushes
with no escape
for longing
for searching
that endless bliss
Eyes, dilated, in rapture
a palpation
of blood racing through my veins
into the chambers of my heart;
enchanted,
radiating to each corner of our embrace.
mouths half open
searing teeth that make love to my skin
---rubbing bodies melting into a pond
drowning ourselves
Breathing to each others breathe
In murmurs and moans
a chant of bygone tribes which dances
with the moon
welcoming, anticipating the coming of rain
that drench this parched land
that we are living in
--devoid of laughter
--devoid of dreams
a celabratory hymn
until we sweat amidst the cold
stroking each other to sleep
until then,
my fingers keep on tracing
the buried feelings
recounting the heat
that you bore
into my core
only to find my nails
filled with dirt
filled with defeat

district 40

too late & too sleepy

Blame it to miyazaki's "howl's moving castle". I wanna say sorry for those people at the sleeping lounge as they are now wondering why I keep on gasping and holding my voice as I wanna scream with excitement as I watch this movie. But sleeping lounge is the best place in the office to watch movies di ba?! Ahaha!

Next thing I know, I'm too late & too sleepy for fitness. Now my eyebags are working out as well ☹ 

Howl's Moving Castle

just as i thought i'm done watching all anime from studio ghibli, this film surprized me as it pops up the moment i typed in hayao miyazaki on watch32 mobile site. the top entries on their search engine are my favorites (well i think all of them are. from my neighbour totoro, kiki's delivery service, the borrower ariety and so on) then the moment i scrolled down, i found this film at the very bottom, and im glad it's viewable on my mobile as i need to kill some time as i'm waiting for the office gym to be vacant.


the environment and the emotional landscapes remind me of castle in the sky and kiki's delivery service combined. but the plot is quite different and somehow it gives me this certain jolt of warm elation upon realizing that being old is not that bad. i mean, i already had this bargaining with the universe that i would be contended and consider myself lucky to die at 50 as i really don't wanna be a senile old man and be somebody's pain in the ass. but Sofie's experience in this film somehow deviate on that notion, maybe because of the magic hayao miyazaki put her in--- without it, her life could be miserably dull and boring. but hey' all of us can still make magic! in one way or another!

well another hayao miyazaki film that sends me flying.

Keep the fire and we gonna let it burn

my ideal would be every other day or at least 3 times a week, there are certain months that i can attain that but usually i could only hit the gym twice a week, maybe because i usually jog on weekends and i could consider that as an ultimate workout, not just for the body but also for my restless soul.

my ideal time for gym would be after shift, around 1am or 2am, by then i have the whole office gym for myself. while working out, i can burst out my frustrations, sometimes anger. lifting weights kinda not my thing but i have to for me to gain weight and bulk up my naturally wafer-thin figure. i can dance and sing out loud specially during warm showers. in a way, it's all about de-stressing.

meanwhile jogging around UP ikot make me reminisce and listen to Jam 88.3's "different Sunday"

but if i have the time and resources, i would like to enroll myself for a swimming club. and maybe tennis. and yeah.. pole dancing! then a combination of all working out discipline such as plana forma? but then again, i hate crowd. for me i would lose focus and cannot complete my self imposed routine. since the last quarter of last year, it's been shivering cold here in manila plus the recent holidays pushed me to a nomadic point of gluttony, like gehd! i can't stop myself from eating! like i want to stuff lohts of lohhts of chohclts ohn muhy fohs!

for now, i will stay fit while i'm able. i couldn't imagine myself waking up twice as much as my body.

ano ba talaga?

was romanticizing again with my ever not so coherent love life, maybe i'm still enjoying being single and keep on saying to my friends that i'm still on my 20's and it's my prime time.

ironically, i just broke somebody's heart. or maybe a lot of "someones'"heart.. but hey, i've been hurt a lot of times too. so i consider that to be fair. i just can't force myself to be with someone whom i'm not so sure of. it's always been quality and not quantity, that's how my version of a boy who named Crow keeps on telling me.

i have a friend who used to be my club buddy who turns out to be one of my close friend in terms of club hopping, coffee and ehem, boys hunting. i know who are his crushes and who he fantasized. we got so close that we are getting comfortable sharing secrets. then suddenly, he was struck by cupid's arrow, i mean he fell in love- with this boy whom he just had sex with for a night. i keep on saying to him that it could only be a one night stand for christ's sake and that's it! what he is feeling right now is just a temporary glitch! but he's persistent and make "ligaw".

he's very mad about this guy to the extend i have to support him to be with him in a club when i just declared no alcohol for a month. but damn, he is like throwing a big party and treat us with drinks and pica pica. for friendship and "libre" well, sorry, i can't say no to that. but it end up he was busted the same night.

oh well, my friend was too eager and his crush isn't ready. to make story short, my friend was frustratingly shattered. thus, i become, his automatic console(r) (is there such a noun for that?) and most of the time: his shrink. yeah, he has gone out of his mind and my phone is full of text msges and missed calls. and if we had a chance to talk, we talked for hours, i mean he usually do the talking, having the same story again and again and again. ugh'

my advice and suggested therapies includes watching these films:

1. walt disney's frozen (so that he would consider the notion that knowing somebody for a day and declaring he fell in love with him at the same time is: stupid)

2. 500 days of summer (man, i just love that film, such a classic! although i always see myself as Summer and not Tom but it's a good film movie who just gotten himself into the mad world of brokenhearted)

3. lastly, star cinema's one more chance (well, my friend keep on asking if he still have the chance since he messed up and he blew it big time, so i suggested this film and he might learn some lessons on how to retrieve a short lived love affair)

hopefully he could get over with it. as it's stressing the hell out of me. but wait, i'm just wondering, have i also caused someone to be like him?

keeping the tradition

watching the 1st sunrise of the year on a shore that I've never been before. It's been raining since I got here, so I'm still lucky to catch even just a glimpse of it.

Yeah, it's my first time here in bora. Since I grew up in an island and I've been to a lot of good beaches around visayas, so bora (for me) is no big deal. But boracay is THE BORACAY. Which constantly gnawing at me every time I see it on magazines and postcards. So finally I made it here and it was an escapade I couldn't fully describe how great it has been

Last sunset of 2013

Sail on,

after 5 years

i still find myself rereading this passage again:

"..no matter how far you run. distance might not solve anything"

One of those nights

when u go back to ur room & recount the crazy things u'v been through then tell urself:

what the hell?!

so anyway..

sometimes, It's not easy to be OK

taking a part on: NALUWAS SI LIGTAS SA MANILA - Series of durational performances at the CCP

after the quake

apart from Baclayon church and the Basilica del Santo Niño, Loboc church is one of the heritage sites that is eternally etched in my heart in the Visayas, and this clock tower which forever points at 11:00 o'clock is the closest reference i could get to murakami's hard-boiled wonderland. i've taken this picture 4 years ago when we went to Gia's hometown for their town fiesta.

yesterday's ill fated tremor totally depressed me as i could never see this clock tower ever in this perfect state again. my heart goes to all cebuano's and boholano's who are affected as well as those who are emotionally shattered after the quake.

I'm tired and I want to go to bed

i 'm experiencing this some kind of reflective curse.

not so sure how to expound it but here are some cases in point: i have this friend who got a breakout and the very next day, i found a huge zit on my face. one time a friend got his phone snatched in the MRT, then days later mine was snatched in a bus. it goes on and on, to the extend i got this paranoia. or might just too absurd to think like this, an invitational karma.

there's an indicator that it will happen to me, it's not a one instance occurrence,  but it has to be in a repetitive pattern. like if a friend got this malady, then the other friend got the same case, then usually I'm the 3rd victim. i hope it wont level up into a "final destiny" tragedy, that's way too terrible.

recently, my best friend got this problem with sleeping, he might still adjusting with his work sched, then i also have this office mate who has an ongoing sleeping problem as well, one worst scenario is she haven't slept for more than 48 hours. she confided me all the details so i get into what she's going through. aside from her closed friends, i'm the only one in the office know about it. i always advise her to do this and take this, but to no avail. to the extend she has to consult a specialist or a doctor.

then guess what? i got this insomnia. it struck me calmly as an overcast conquered a clear sky.

it started yesterday, Monday. i'm suppose to get out from work at 1am, but monday blues got into me and i ditch work 1 hour earlier, ran out from my bosses and colleagues and  i said i just wanna sleep. usually i sleep around 4am and wake up around 12 noon, i always have this amanda griffin beauty rest principle of 7-8 hours of sleep, which i could normally attained, lesser than that is like no sleep at all.

my phone clock shows 2am, i already had dinner, had a cup of tea and took shower, my usual routine before heading to sleep. i think everyone of us have this early stages of sleep that you reflects what transpired that day or whatever recurrences from a certain era of the past. then those visual episodes interconnects with people, faces, some words some emotional attachments and whatsoever personal details that summarized your life. but sometimes, this stage which in my case, should only take around 30 minutes the most, more than that, it causes me to toss and turn to restlessness.

6am

after roughly 4 hours of dreamless sleep i was wide awake. in my head, i should go back to sleep, but come 6:30 then 7.00am i'm still struggling back to the 1st cyclic stage of sleeping. it worries me cause i still have work later but in a way, it makes me revisit the things i've been through and haven't done lately. so i gave up and surrender the idea of sleeping the amanda griffin way, had coffee in the early morn, grab hot pandesal and bask myself in that early morning sunshine, mygehd! i miss that, it's weird because even here in the Philippines, tropical country as it is, i think very few  can enjoy early morning sunshine and consume the vitamin D and vitality it could bring. most people are still asleep from graveyard shift or hurrying up to the  offices, they cannot spend 30 mins or more sitting lazily by the porch having coffee or smoke and feeling the warmth of the sun on their skin and say hey, im having early morning sunshine?!

so there, i don't know if i could still consider it as a reflective curse, but i hope i could pass by some friends who will beam that they just had 8 hours undisturbed sleep.

tara, punta tayo don'

riri's post concert picture at moa

on: things that are not meant to be should remain as it is.

i tried to fight against it before (and sometimes up until now, ehem) but instead of being a hero, most of the time you become a zero.

oh well, as saying old says that the more you push the more u break. so i should remind myself to keep my chill & remain intact.

have a good day!

it is somebody's birthday today

Published initially in the Harper's magazine in 2003 then later was also published in the Guardian in 2006, Haruki Murakami’s "Birthday Girl" tells of a girl who made a wish when she was twenty, working her shift in a restaurant.

For the full story you can click on this link:
huffy berthday betch'

I always think of this story whenever it's my bday or somebody else's is. Well, I always consider someone is being considerably blessed with the old man's message:

“Happy birthday, may you live a rich and fruitful life, and may there be nothing to cast dark shadows on it.”

Photography: EJ Revelo

yeah yeah, u got it'

I still believe that there are still a lot of people who doesn't have to flaunt in social networks that they are happy or ecstatic, posting pictures bragging about their dinner, drinks, new shoes or whatever. 

What important is, you know that you are lucky and blessed, and let your heart pulsate its gratitude to the universe with grace. 

All is full of love.

finally, anawangin

It has it's own charm and I am glad that it's a very remote cove that no establishment able to penetrate on these "serene" shores yet and I cross my fingers no establishment will ever make it here. why?

Because, the last thing I want to know is they will make this cove Bora-like or Puerto Galera-ish. I guess we have to keep this place on its total wilderness as to maintain it's authenticity and natural character.

It's very rare these days that a place like this within reach from Manila has the sound of crickets and the lights of fireflies at night instead of EDM coming from loudspeakers and blinding laser lights.

if all else fails, reboot.

Confessions (official entry Eiga Sai 2013)

I'm still disturbed (and was really impressed) with the film Confessions, an entry for this year's Eiga Sai. 

Based on Kanae Minato’s disturbing novel, I was gripped from the beginning 'til the end. I felt so lucky and grateful seeing it on a big screen since most of this kind has limited international release. With its poetic images and linear but extreme narrative, I consider this as one of the best asian films I've ever seen. 

It is a psychological thriller that serves this main course: primal urge for vengeance over deep-seated hatred.

Tom Jones n'ako!

I don't know which started first: there was this waft of fried chicken in the air when all of a sudden i realized i haven't taken my dinner yet. Or was it because I haven't taken my dinner yet that's why i noticed this waft of fried chicken in the air?

One thing for sure is that I'm starving.

So I went inside this fast food chain where they serve this crispylicious chicken joy. The moment I get inside, there's a long queue greeted me with horror that I might end up fainting. But I'm determined that tonight I'll eat what I'm craving for: Two piece chicken joy meal on a hot sauce and sunny side up egg and upsized french fries. But the line took forever and my mind took its own liberty to divert my hunger pang to series of memories:

Bacolor Pampangga.

It's one of my spur of the moment travel itinerary when I decided visit a church where an indie film "Jay" (feat: coco martin and baron geisler) was filmed. in between riding tricycle to the lahar dipped church, I can hear locals speaking in Tagalog or at times, kapangpangan. As a Cebuano, it's something new to me and it feels like I'm on a taping of Maalala mo kaya or Jesica Soho reports.

Then I had this picture which coco and barron sort of having a wedding? Sorry my mem'ry is quite vague.

tagalog o filipino?

The moment I migrated here in manila. I have to speak in tagalog, and my tagalog is derived from my grade school Filipino lessons which most terms are quite archaic or malakas maka francisco balagtas!

McDonalds, Morayta

Was waiting for a go signal from my art criticism teacher for a museum visit when I sort of practicing my tagalog/filipino and was able to write this tula upon seeing a cute UST dude reviewing for an exam across my table:

isang liham

kinakailangan pa ba ng
bigkis ng sining at agham

upang maintindihan ang
iyong mga nakatagong liham

na wari'y sumasalaysay
sa himig ng yung pagkukunwari

kung saan tumitimbang
ang mga sari saring

aspeto ng kaunlaran at kasukdulan
sa kwentong tila walang patutunguhan

isang liham na di matapos tapos
di maipasok sa bote at

di maitapon
sa dagat ng katiyakan


AS lobby, UP Cebu

We had this theater workshop when we have to convince the facilitator to give us one peso by saying:

Taga-i ko piso.. Kay gigutom ko. Taga-i ko piso.. Kay gigutom ko. Taga-i ko piso.. Kay gigutom ko. Taga-i ko piso.. Kay gigutom ko. Taga-i ko piso.. Kay gigutom ko. Taga-i ko piso.. Kay gigutom ko. Taga-i ko piso.. Kay gigutom ko. Taga-i ko piso.. Kay gigutom ko. Taga-i ko piso.. Kay gigutom ko. 

Again and again and again until the facilitator finally was convi..

Suddenly, my reminiscing spell broke when unexpectedly, one the fast food crew, came to me and asked for my order. Was totally surprised and still in the verge of my golden memories, plus puyat and gutom, kaya napahawak ako sa kamay nya, look her in the eye at biglang bumula yung bibig ko in broken tagalog:

"Miss! nag cracrave ako ng two piece chicken joy With extra egg and french fries please! Naway itoy maiserve sa pinaka mabilis na panahon. Parang awa!"

Just like the other customers around me, the lady crew was surprised with my "surprised state" and took my order in total shock. Then she hurriedly announced it in the kitchen. Weird enough I got my meal first than the people lining up before me. Was kinda embarrassed, looked for a table in the corner and took my dinner in silence.

multiply RIP

was totally saddened when i just found out (yeah, rather too late) that multiply account already closed their social network services &  i can no longer retrieve my pictures & other files.

i tried to plead the 5th imperial stout out of cyber oracle (read google) but to no avail. there's no way to retrieve these supposedly "frozen to eternity" images.

out of hundreds and hundreds of pics, these are the only ones that i was able to retrieved & xferred to fb way back then..

i just hate the idea of snap shot memories downsized to digital image which is simply a numeric representation of a two-dimensional image. when accumulated these gigabytes worth of files can either be stored and crammed to your limited hardrive or memory card. most often than not, one simply upload it to social network sites as personal copies or to share it with friends and relatives rather printing it out and make an old school album.

i remembered my mother cried when some of our old albums were drenched with typhoon rains. totally blurred 1900's pictures can never be resurrected unless one of us has a kinda sorta photographic telekinesis that can separate the inks and put them on their original positions.

kung naa man gani tawo nga ing ana, nah' mulabad gyud iyang ulo! foh shu! 

what a convenience of uploading it to internet and has the assurance of not having these drenched by rain water?! but once a social network can no longer support (which is inscribed on their lengthy and not so reader friendly terms and conditions) and simply shut down their systems together with your memories. these treasured images, just like what happened to most of my pictures in multiply, were sucked into a vacuum of nothingness. like, OMIGEHD! even a minute bitmap of it is all gone, no bones nor ashes. (im gonna cry now)

i cannot imagine if this could also happen to facebook, there would be a major raucous from this impending cock-up to the social network universe.

i wish multiply could at least let their website become a grave site for old files, even if they don't continue with their profit driven scheme, they would have donated or made their site as a headstone to modernity and humanity.

nagayuma

one of the places i really wanna go the moment i migrated here in QC is Gayuma ni Maria, which is located in the guts of sikatuna village.

Which surprises me because it is just quite a quaint place, but surreally wide enough for your mind to wander.

The moment you get in, the ambiance and the aroma of the brewing coffee would snap that sense of harsh reality and set that fond intimacy of living the moment, a lingering experience of here and now.

here you can just drink your coffee and savor your mouthwatering desserts while talking with your companions, or if you wish and if it is deem necessary, go talk to yourself, it's no big deal on one of their secluded tables. talking to yourself is not just a crazy fool's habit but you can do it as well by doing a monologue or soliloquy if you demand for an audience other than yourself --- let’s say an imaginary friend.

better yet, read a novel or you can write poetry. Write love letters and hang it on their tree of love. The best option would be: simply reflect and dream. Yes, this is a place conducive for dreaming as, i think, the proprietor, Maria (biyayaan ka nawa) is a dreamer herself, so she set this place with a hypnagogic blanket and all you have to do is hover around, give yourself a gastronomical treat and let the time passed you by (I hope she would agree with me on that).

with sars, cherry and karl. 

photos by Cherry Arellano ---the one sitting and aimlessly smiling above =)

 'til the next!

ewan, basta!

at tulad ng isang di inaasahang pagkakataon,
andon siya, nakaupo.

naka titig sa isang lalake
na hiling ay sana naging isang babae

isang abandonada,
lahat ng inaasam asam ay biglang naglaho

isang abandonada
wari'y inaagnas, napag iwanan ng tadhana.

habang ako,
wari'y naninigas, nakatitig sa kanya

nabibighani? ewan.
gusto ko siya? pwede. basta

inaasam asam, na siya na sana
ang tinadhana para sa akin

at sana
di siya biglang maglaho

at sana
di na, maging isang abandonada

subalit,datapwat, pagkat
di nya pa ako nakikilala

the mourning after

Those moments when Sars & I have this urge to see the sea after singing & drinking our hearts out along kalye nakpil in malate. 

We always have our very own intimate concert then we end up with this kind of applause for the coming day before we doze off 

*photos taken at manila de bay