my_hotmug

Saturday, June 23, 2018

re: "letters from the closet" 8:56 AM veraLeigh said..

"i was wondering
if i have denied myself
for something
i can't put a name on,

for so long
a time
already that

i have gradually destroyed
the yellows of my days -

the suns,
the stars at night,
or even the yellows on roads

and plains,
specks of candy wrappers
maybe,

or wild flowers displaced
in the city sides

-

all of them gone."

-veraleigh lasam
thursday, june 23, 2005

Thursday, May 03, 2018

criss·cross

I started swimming as a form of exercise way back in college. I like the Olympic sized pool in Abellana sports complex in Cebu, that is where i usually take my laps. Swimming somehow clears my mind, as all you have to do is breath and swim towards the other end of the pool, back and forth, again and again. Doing that in an hour is like nirvana for me.

You can forget anything, almost everything, except breathing.

And i love it when i look at the mirror and thinking that i am building myself a great body.

I keep doing it until i moved here in Manila, that was 2010. That's when i stopped swimming as i started partying and play around with boys, like a lot of them, as if i'm in a tank filled with fishes. So i kept on hunting, too pre occupied that I forget how to simply swim in the pool, me and just the water. crisscrossing, together.

After 8 years, i start doing this again. Here in ULTRA. I dunno, it feels like the old days. That feeling of being youthful and excited to embrace the world, again.

Saturday, April 14, 2018

reserve(d)

with all the new gourmet coffee shops sprouting here and there and with all the growing numbers of impressive coffee art enthusiasts, it's high time for starbucks to level up to a much higher notch. I am glad they come up with this concept of "reserve" able to try the one in the latest wing of Podium and this one really hit a good mark. And not to mention, their Baristas are so adorable (ehem). ^_^

starbucks reserve | at the podium

Monday, April 09, 2018

Sunday, April 01, 2018

7. Receive its message and wisdom.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/mindful-anger/201804/9-steps-healing-childhood-trauma-adult

emotions:
anger
anxiety
isolation

The word "tanga" (stupid) always reverberates within me.
It's one of the most derogatory word one can say or let others feel for someone
I have always feel bed about it, hurt, angry and less accepting.
feelings of being not enough

*Papa smashed the dipper on my head (was it a dipper? or planggana?), when i brought something that is not what he needs during my mother's labor.
*A high school classmate knock my head when I did a group assignment and it's not what she expected.
*A potential sex encounter blocked me in grindr when I give multiple options.

misunderstanding, lack of clarity, ambiguous instructions of which not my fault but i was being punished.

>>>

proceed to step 8 and 9