03/2023

03/31

-lost two charms, my purple amythest for healing, and the one from russ, the blue agate for my cycle. it saddens me so much.. but they say, the charm will break or depart once u achieved its intention. so i simply let it go.

-interview with tak, with a potential day job. i felt light and elated

-jo at the beach (remembering the 6 footer guy in sugar beach and bespectacled guy)

03/30

-went to sta. fe

-island life

-clouds that looks like bjork dress in kobe, grander

-meet this guy who is a local. he had this rough appeal but overall very sexy. and his manhood is huge. since i haven't had sex for a long time and i minimize porn nowadays, (bespectacled guy was my last) then i cum right away. but he keeps on pounding me with hugeness. felt my ass going inside out.

03/27-29

-a long trip to bantayan island with mamu. 

-finally meet my brother john his partner, leanne, my pamangkin, xinxin and LeAnn's family in kabac

-enjoyed fresh seafood

-province is life

-bike along emotional landscape along the beach of kabac and patao

03/26

-met cuz jean with her beau anton and yan2x, bonding at mo2. still amazed how strong our bond

-buntagay na tagay with enrico at the new kwikspark near ayala. was amazed with his survival story about his suicidal tendencies 

-still smitten with the bespectacled guy who i had steamy encounter sa sauna. it kinda re ignite what i had with max (december 25 guy)

smitten that my heart kinda beats for him. gosh.. he is indeed a crush

03/25

-went to IT park and meet this guy frm paranaque. we supposedly do inside the cr across the walk, but there's too many people so we went upstairs to the still closed law firm. made him cum inside my mouth and swallow him whole. later we walk around and talk until he open up about his ex and listen to his story

-also meet this guy frm edades, he is super horny and fucked me me all morning to the extend my hole felt so raw.

-took an afternoon nap and cum inside my bunk, replaying my steamy encounter with the bespectacled guy.

-went to busay to commemorate my supposedly attendance to bjorks orkestral in Kobe. havent played bjork since my passport denial on feb 27th, i played hyperballad and throw stones from the top of the mountain. then proceed with her orkeatral playlistvfor her japan tour. i cried so hard specially when the first track played: stonemilker

then proceed with the rest while taking the uphill climb

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/01jpeDkesnf5gsNsdskSjq?si=UUQ9KOAoSJCg_I5K9P0PGA&utm_source=copy-link

03/24

-its already 2 past midnight when me and my cuzin jean call it a night. she started talking while she drive me towards O2 resto bar. she talk about the passing of her half sister and how she died on her watch. i cried seing her crying. 

-a very heavy yet heart warming bonding with my cuzin.

-later that day, dinner at bantayan eatery, sumptous squid adobo, the white one. crab meat and utan bisaya. solved.

-walk around ayala and make it as my oval as i attained my 10k steps for the day

-msge a bespectacled guy. he invited me to go to this spa in escario, Sandia/watermelon spa. and the moment i saw him really turns me on and he is indeed in his pictures. he is gym fit and good guy who does bad. 

when i recognized him i followed him right away in the shower we kissed, and we did oral l.. then we proceeded inside the sauna even with other guys watching us we are the one who ignited the action. then we proceed beside the lockers where he took some pictures of me sucking him. then when we get inside the massage room, he fuck3d me, rimmed me and fucked me again. gosh it was marvelous experience. it intensifies when i let him wait for me for too long and saw him being sucked by someone, but and i sat on him and that made me cum. gosh.. i felt the jealousy and wanting at the same time. it wasn't that perfect but i felt triumphant.

what a night experiencing the most handsome and hottest guy I've met this week in cebu so far. 

03/23

-miraculously, i didnt wake up with hangover. i felt super drunk last night.

-food trip at bantayan diner with their fresh seafood. gosh.. tastes like home.. 

-at the hostel, felt cornered with these homophobic caucasians, as i just used the toilet and then the shower. as if im usuin the shower as bidet/douche, they had this conversation: 

guy 1: "are you about to shower?"

guy 2: "yeah, and i can't find peace"

called max about it and find comfort from her voice and advise not to overthink.

-shrug it off and meet this guy frm.mabolo. although it is against my principle. this guy is gay for pay. he is charging me 2-3k. i said no and he insist. of just paying 300 instead since he is in dire need of money. the charitable person in me gave in and consider it as helping out instead of paying. it was all worth it since 1. i dont have to pay for the moteo, 2. he have the most sexy armpit. able to smell and ravage into them. 3. he have a huge dick. we did it in a public bathroom inside a student dormitory. i exploded like crazy as he exploded inside me. crazy crazy good.

-pass by carmelite/san Carlos seminary where. Julio and i had moments when he stayed there for there nursing review.

i remember when we sneak into one of the cr and gave him a blow job since we havent seen eachother for a very long time as a couple. a random memory.

- had dinner at it park mercado and enjoy a lechon belly while listening to this wonderful singer singing Alanis Morissette covers ( one hand in my pocket, ironic)

-writing these journal entry while waiting for one of my favorite cuzins, jean.

03/22

-had coffee while watching the sunrise. slowing it down. feeling at home. having the break i deserve:

*after for almost 6 months without traveling (japan travel preparation) 

*3 months of no VLs taken 

*and excessive over times.

-roam around and walk down memory lane. seen the mcdo in escario where russ, vera and yen ate out. the flavoured chicken in cebu doc where chai, russ usually eat. the angry/grumpy statue of mama mary (Our Lady of the Sacred Heart Parish) along escario then went to ayala area show russ the pic of the apartelle where he and james once booked.

-had sex with this hunky and curly top guy in mabolo. i came while he cum inside me.. it was a great release.

-had dinner with robin, chavie and her sister.. we then watched a restored sharon movie bituin walang ningning together with their ultra hd tv. marveled the scene with chery gil and finally able to understand the context behind the famous line: "you're nothing but a second rate trying hard copy cat". it was indeed a great night.

-received the confirmation email that i will finally get my refund for my flight. i felt i won a lottery. since they really gave me a hard time.. victorious, i went out for a party and went to uptown super club. enjoyed the music and able to really dance with the music. tabled with this dancer and when we just had too.much to drink he showed me a condom. what i show him was my lube and packet of robusts. jockinly, i put a tab in a bottle of beer. and they kind of chicken out and they got weirded out. so to save myself frm their loser kind of reaction. i exited and call it a night.

03/21

-realized that there's more to life than japan and Bjork. so i took the flight going home to cebu with my mother. 

-visited robin, our 4th sibling and his newly born baby Ally, and his loving partner Chavie. i wish i have it photographed by it would be etched in my memory how my mother craddle her 7th apo in her arms for the first time. such sweet moment.

-had foot reflex and whole body massage for 1.5hr in thewi thai and its always a marvelous experience. said to myself that i felt na virgin kog balik.. 😅

-stayed in 7 hostel and able to sleep well 

03/20

-as if my pschosomatic body copperates with me, i indeed got fever and gastrointeritis, enough for me to call a doctor and provide me medcert. now im praying it is enough for me to atleast got my money back from the japan flight i couldnt take. 

03/19

-reread/re listened a murakami short short story, barn burning.

-also able to watched the movie, burning, in netflix. as russ' file in google play, the subs wont work on my end. i am moved with hae-mi's performance and her dance interpretation of little hunger and big hunger.

-finally able to do laundry. felt the stench of sadness washed away and enjoy the fresh scent of my bed sheets.

-enjoy listening to audio book, and listened to little green monster and i got a different realization on it specifically about mental health. that its all in your mind and u can also incapacitate anxiety rather u let it incapacitate u.

after series of realization, i have now a different notion on the saying what doesn't kill u makes u stronger. as other said it will make u weaker. 

me: it will make me fight back. fight back and not let it kill u.

-later that night, for some weird reason, i got feverish i thought im gonna die.

03/18

-welcome russ' bday at his place in syquia. we watched Darren Aronofsky's the whale. 

03/16-17

-i never felt defeated in my entire life. i felt bruised and bleeding.

-the stress manifests on my body. i got body pain, and my face covered with a lot of pimples. huge ones!

-it is real that healing is not linear. felt a sudden and strong wave of sadness and pain as i deal with my flight refund. cebupac is givine me hard time to the extend i have to come up with a medcert that shows me unfit to travel

03/15

-greeted max happy bday and we reminisce our recent time together here in manila

03/14

-im not sure if its considered date, but me and dave the 6'2footer guy frm batanggas met outside for the first time. i find him gwapo on his all black ensemble and his tattoos are popping. we had some drinks at nomu's and then went to my place to have sex. then we have dinner at UP gastro lane then walk him home. it was a great bonding moment between us. i was able to open up with my sadness about my visa denial and for not seeing bjork live. he also open up his past with me.

03/13

-bonding with mamu, had a great masaage and dinner with her at lucky gold. quick bonding with papa and baby avvy

-meet this guy frm leyte, just cant take it, got so horny so i had steamy moment with him. i felt wrecked with him fucking me and bursting in me twice

03/12

-moment with kf

facial, dinner, coffee and rewatched oh mando

-felt the need to restrain from too much sex 😅

-msge dave the 6 footer guy and told him i needed dating this time

03/11

-watched mario rosa's bilangong birhen and was hypnotized by its beauty

03/09-10

-processed my waiver of mrr and had this amazing moment with our university guidance counselor who i manage to talk about my entire stay in UPdil.. i felt it was looong yet fulfilling stay. not a waste at all. it was an entirely fun rollercoaster experience. even told him, if i became a ghost, my soul will stay on this campus.. we both laughed. he

 provided me a st. Benedict pin. a sort of congratulatory badge and at the same time protection. i remembered andre on him. such an amazing soul.

03/08

-went to russ' and we made this post worm moon charm with jayr.

-we had this jube with lavender and gosh i felt healed and free from suffering. i end up sleeping the whole night

03/5-7

-detox

03/04

-shawi treated my mom with micro blading and shading for her kilay, its beautifully done and i saved more than 15k

-shawi and i went to shangrila and we had coffee at tobeys, then we went to cuts salon

-jade msged me for partee n play but he did it without me. it triggers me, so the moment char msged me and he have the item for less, i jumped into it. he had a bad trip but i managed it well. since i have some item left, msge a long time playmate frm bsa twintowers. however he is not as hot as before so i kinda lose it and just went porn trip. -when i got home, met this half arab dad and he met my fantasy fuck. then finally met this couple in grab tapsi who double pen me and my main contact have a very great cock. all of my sexual frustrations got solved. 

-msge chad about this and im glad he said to stop this but even my msge to him was obscure. myself is like going square one.

03/02

-i have no idea what happened this day. probably busy with academic paperworks and just roam around UP. just enjoying a good weather. one thing i learned recently is that while waiting for ur greatest joy to come, don't forget the passive happiness. like simple walking, enjoying ur coffee and music.

-currently digging into sza's SOS and mugler 2023 soundtrack 

03/01

-gosh, its march already. feb was definitely a tough month. i thought pa sweet lang but no. it was one of the harshest month i went through. to the extend i got pimples as sign of stress.

-went through with these guided meditation and i am so amazed how this exercise give me peace of mind. it guides me to a safe space where i thought was all gone but its just within me. 

-i am struck with this ep from scott ste marie

https://open.spotify.com/episode/2lV2W3RokRNjZKQfMb4V1n?si=wsgfmomXQLq1Jh2gBNrQmg&utm_source=copy-link

where he said about finding your path and only to find out that the path is a jungle and life is about contrasts.

02/2023

02/28

-still cant get over with Bicolguy_marcus earlier. we had a long story. frm cubao, alabang and finally meet him here in updil. had milktea, talk and awesome sex. he bursted 3x. Lupit sobra..i love his tattooed hairy body. one of the best sex ever. cuddle was also great. husband material. kaso he have to go to alabang and later to bicol.

-met dave the 6footer in sofia, he is kindof worked up. im not so sure what to write as i have no idea what's going on with him.

-felt overwhelmed with everything specially about work: 2 hours extra OT daily is undeniably exhausting. i might just simply re think it. and consider it as a financial blessing but my my mind is tired and usually sleepy.

-waves of dissapointment still hitting me with my denied visa application and it hits me bad i felt like anne hathaway singing i dreamed a dream in les mis

02/27

-i was still in denial with my denied visa application for japan. so i called and emailed them. i both ways, they refused to consider my plea.

-aside from the fact that i already spent 25k for the round trip ticket, 10k for the accomodation and 8k for bjork's ticket plus the processing fees, for me what hurts more is not the japan trip itself.. since i intended to visit japan as my last Asian country to visit (comes with the saying; save the best for last) it was my opportunity to see and experience bjork live. 

i still haven't seen one of my holy trinity (which are Alexander McQueen, bjork and haruki murakami)

02/26

-was super drunk last night. good thing i didnt have hangover

-meet this super chubuff bear guy.. my ultimate kind of chunky beaf. hope to meet him.again.

-saw this handsome guy along food lane. never knowing i will see him again at the lagoon. he came from cavite and have this caviteno kind of face, deep seated eyes, chiseled jaw bone and mustached kissed him endlessly and he even rimmed me. we are in the middle of doing oral when a univ security approach us and caught in the act. thought it was the end of us. but after apologizing. he let us go. we continue walking and talking and romatasizing we could be lovers just for the night.

02/25

-still down from my denied visa application. good thing max was there, she was able to comfort and made me laugh.. her healing presence really made the difference.

-party at rapture with max and shawi. met john mondia and his friends. party like crazy. never enjoyed that kind of party for a long period of time

02/24

-my japan visa application was denied. felt cold sweat trickle down my nape. never felt so low. with guided meditation i breath my dissapoint away

-met and had sex with alex, isko frm area 2, 5'10 cute 20 year old guy. found comfort from his cuddle

02/23

-felt down with my annual compensation appraisal of 2.5% as it was too low compared from the 8% inflation. dont have the motivation to work hard for the day.

02/22

-today, seen the sky brighter even past 6pm. could be the start of summer solstice

-ended the japanese film fest in cine adarna with the film: intolerance

its about coping, forgiveness and kindness.

-accompanied max at nkti for his colonoscopy procedure

-good thing it wasn't serious

02/20-21

-BU holiday, just do nothing. i need to simply pause on these days

02/19

-checked in at soho belle suites in makati with max and shawi

-went around makati business district 

-met this cute guy from jazzz residence. chinito tall lean and yummy. his dick is like 7" thats goes sidewards. he came inside me. cuddle a bit and got to leave. he made my stay in makati remarkable 

-went towards burgos street while on drag. had so much fun with full make up and dress on.

02/18

-bonding with kf, dinner facial and massage

-max and shawi arrived

-up fair with max and shawi and heard moonstar88 live

02/17

-gosh! finally submitted my visa application.. phew! wish me luck!

-went up fair polaris? and heard dec avenue live

02/16

-today, im starting to veer away from wanting and lean towards "anticipating"

-loving the smell of ber to summer month transition. i miss this kind of state of being 

02/15

-im getting closer to my dream japan trip and to finally experience bjork perform live.. as i reached the 50k target bank ending balance.

-i just can't contain my relief and excitement as its been months since i got anxious about this trip.

02/14

-spent valentines with fam in pasig

-bought cake and ice cream and had awesome sweetness with my family 

-kulitan with baby avvy.. videoke and then re watch remastered titanic in HD

02/12

-went for a jog while cruising. met this tall guy but small dick, then this guy who was with someone who wanted to be fucked by him but the guy end up fucking me as he liked me better. then my finale was with this cute and makinis guy.. it was already day time and we got distracted so we end up at my place (since he is worth bringing home) we talk while walking. until we reached my place so we had a steamy sex. i love sniffing his armpits, licking his nipples and he have this huge dick that goes sideways. i also love how he glows in my room and his pubes were beautifuly trimmed, it looks naturally clean. i love visualizing him while i worship him. i cum while he is inside me. we have this very romantic fuck. so it was really good sex. he is half cebuano but doesn't know how to speak bisaya 😅. we changed numbers, so i hope to be with him again.

02/11

-super lazy and super lethargic

-slept whole day

02/10

-just finished tag ulan sa tag init starred by vilma santos and Christopher de leon. such an intense and emotionally driven film.. 

-meet 6'2 guy. i missed him. went to his place. he also liked bjork. talked about bjork. first time.that i came with him. while he fuck.me he came twice as usual.

02/08

-tried this guided meditation and i felt sleepy all the way.

02/07

-felt productive with my visa preparation

02/06

-slept for a very long time to the extend i end up waking up with a headache

-wake up with my face to plum.. thanks to galvi and cryo therapy yesterday.. it does magic

-i also find my back, shoulder blade, free of pain.. thanks to ventosa yesterday. i may spent too much but its all worth it. never felt and look so good 

-went out and had a view of a full moon. recharge my crystals

-gr is taking its toll on me. its been running 2 weeks since i haven't met a quality hook up in gr. i might end up stick on cruising or will try to go for bath house 😅

-amazingly, when it rains it pours. i had a hot encounter with a guy who was blown by someone but he fucked me. then met this cute guy with a guy, however he only want a handjob. he came and was able to get a taste of his cum. then met this small but biggie guy and he fucked me bareback at arki, then proceeded to pathwalk/pansol to meet a gr favorite. he also came inside me. but all these four, i didnt came. gosh. i lose my libido mostly to porn nowadays.

02/05

-can't get over what happened today. although it cost me alot of money pero iba..

-may not able to write properly since i just had massage and i am so sleepy. brain fog it is.

-so ayun na nga, KF finally meet, once again.. after i cried over him last October. 

-i intentionally treat him today because: he recently had his bday (nov 27) , his step dad is in the hospital, and most of his sweldo goes to his family. he doesn't have left for himself. so i blessed him with what i have since i felt i am much blessed.

-i shared and let him experience my derma ortiz session since i have more than 30 vouchers pa.

-dine at batangas bulalohan sa tapat, while he discuss what happened with his step dad while his mom is the one who is taking care. i find it sweet but of course i know how financially draining it is for him.. i also told him what happened to my father last new year's eve.

-then we went jco araneta, ots been a while since i just chill with someone right beside me.

-then we cap it all with ventosa massage at mt. albo.. i slept..

-it was a relaxing day and i felt my weekend was long enough, i felt rested and happy 😅

02/04

-im starting to smell the pungent smell of mango blossoms right outside my window.. a promise of a new season.

02/03

-i kept on thinking about batangas 6'4 guy.. 

-i kept on thinking about him more than KF

-went to shang and watch everyday a good day (2018)

it has this subtle and meditative attack as i found myself crying hard. it was a very slow paced yet beautifully presented. never felt any dull moment. it was able to capture a serene aspect of Japan of which you end up overflowing with emotions. it was so beautiful..

https://youtu.be/bLtHMfyRsao

02/01-02

-had these hearty mugs for both claire and yka

-office mode, made new lunch friends with eunice and justin

-really wanted a day job, but honestly i am still happy and comfortable with work

 i mean there's no work that is easy. but i definitely appreciate this one that i am having and its less toxic compared to my previous jobs

01/2023

01/31

-guess what?! nag msge si KF?!

 (the 2nd person who broke my heart in 2022) i guess our last convo was in October and i tried moving on in Bacolod.

-long story and long text msge convo. but to make it short. he invited me for derma.. ahaha. good thing naka move on na ako sa kanya. so im no longer emotional, mushy and all pero i still let him know what i went through and he told me that he missed me but he is not ready for relationship and he said sorry. fine. the irony of u having this deep seated feeling for someone and once other one is presented, it is way too shallow. such disparity

01/30

-getting emotional since it just dawn on me after seing russ with dane yesterday presents the notion that russ wont be an fx ride away anymore as he would eventually move to ny.

01/29

-went to russ' place and meet dane in the flesh for the 2nd time. it is our first time with proper introduction since the first time in cebu was such a blur and i was not on a speaking terms with the gang (with chai, russ and vera)

-gave my newly found egret feather to dane. told him i love the story behind these birds migrating to escape the Siberian breeze and most of them even choose to staye here in the Philippines until they die.

-russ and i discuss about an upcoming collaboration for a performance art

-dane had a rough day and have to paint. so russ and i left in the sala. since we had some drinks and dobbies we go ahead and sang karaoke. it was a very swift yet shocking master singing as the awesome waves of besties collides us. i sang the girl from ipanema, as a tribute to bambi and mecca. and as time goes by. while him singing nearness of you. it was really great.

-we also had this shared love that we cannot contained. i am blessed having that in this lifetime.

-then we end up the night re-watching Alexandro Jodorowsky's holy mountain.

01/27-29

-had fuel up friday after watching blue thermal in shang

-meet batangas 6 footer boy, i guess i am starting to like him.

-watched japanese film fest belle (2021 film)

-i was on spell by belle and listened to the whole album again and again in Spotify 

01/24-26

-not feeling motivated

-still recoving from the blow of sudden pain with nikko.

-spent most of my waking hours jogging, having good food, and music trip.

-talking of music, im on the girl in red era: "midnight love", "." , "i'll call you mine". have them as my jog mate.

-im now starting to look for non thesis masters program available in uplb. 

01/23

-felt really sad about nikko as he went back here in UP campus to get his watch. i prepared as i thought we will make out. but we end up just parting ways after he got his watch back. 

-went for a run to shake it all off, as the sadness lingers like deep seated oil.

-watch the sky turns red and listened to bjorks harm.of will.

-just kept on reminding myself that this is just an emotion and simply embrace and wallow with it while its there.

-went to momarc to have my comfort food. had that much needed self compassion.

-since i don't have his watch and clearly he doesn't like me that much, then i should "lift my arms and my roots shall seek another land"..

01/22

-deym, had a hot encounter with a 5'10 borta makinis with tatts guy. lucky bitch feeling once again! its been a long time since i had one of the hottest guy in town.. met his cute friend first and supposed to do a 3sum with them. however his friend appears to be done so he ends up doing one on one with me. 

i thought i wont be able to make it out with him, but my patience paid off. i brought him at arki, and gosh he is so yummy.. i even able to savor his armpits and buffed biceps..licked him from his nipples down to his balls.. how i love looking at him while i sucked him. while his palms at the back of his head. exposing his handsome masked face with yummy armpits and well potruding chest.. 🤤 i sucked him with all my might as he finger my asshole preparing to be fucked. remembering it makes me hard right now as i write this.

and then the condom i prepared was not used as i ride on his cock bareback. thats scene was so hot. then he fucked me from behind and later he lay me down at the make shift plywood cot on the grass. and we did the missionary right at the middle of the night outdoors. and when we came. it was tremendous. he even removed his mask and he even kissed me torridly. it was really good. deymit. all these tigang days was compensated..thanks heavens! 

as we walk back, there was fireworks.that can be heard from afar. it was already lunar new year (chinese spring festival)

i jokingly said that what we had was buenas as our putukan was right at midnight, it goes together with the fireworks. 

his name is kim.. he got my number. i wish he would msge me again soon. 

***

-woke up early, and able to watch eigsai. im not so sure if my last was 2019 before the pandemic.

01/21

-i had a fair share of heart wrenching yet wonderful experiences nowadays, so i cannot complain. this would be my top creative ways to say im ok. 

-watched he who is without sin. this has blown me away.

giving me the same chills as darren aronofsky's "black swan".

01/20

-meet elois and went to ace water spa. ive been living in metro manila for more than a decade and its my first time 😅.

 i felt i was on my 8 year old self again. it was fun and brings back the kid in me. i also felt sexy with my skimpy swimming trunks. the last time i wore it was when i went to boracay in 2018.

-went to this oriental restaurant in banawe. causeway bay..and it reminds me.of hk. gosh the food was luscious. 

-now i was able to try the water spa. specially the hot herbal tubs. this brought me to different dimension, specifically to hayao Miyazaki's spirited away kind of feels.

01/18

-finally watched avatar 2. in imax. i can't count how many times i said whoa.. totally mesmerized. it was 3 hours long so nanibago ako the moment i got out of the cinema. just amazing..

01/16

-today, i felt being attacked. i cannot pinpoint if it is sadness, loneliness or frustration. 

it started with this guy who want me to come over at technohub for car fun.. i prepared, i cleanse, but he ends up not able to respond. he says he fell asleep. (hmm, na trigger ata ako. reminds me of meiaj) 

-but i was able to enjoy walking inside technohub at day time. had a great meal at the pantry, i missed being in the office. then walk around and appreciate the lagoon and even had a wonderful workout.

-watch and overwhelmed with the sinulog footage specially the lumad basakanon. it send me shivers. 

-then went to cubao to have my haircut and then facial. saddened with derma ortiz at puregold closing down after years of being with them (since 2019) and now was referred to p.tuazon branch but offerred with the same package at the same amount: 3k for 30sessions. so that's good for the year.

-im supposed to watch avatar but im so tired. went home and then msge nikko. which did not reply (now i know why i felt this way).

-i felt messed up. even tried watching jowable but it didn't give me that feel good i thought i will be feeling.

-im really, tired. wanna rest but felt restless.

-i need some grounding

1/15

-meet mplace guy

-walk memory lane abscbn while raining

-visit my folks in pasig

1/14

-went to cubao for a drink

01/13

-got to reminisce sinulog as im not going to cebu this time.. why? its too samok. i have to save for my japan trip. i thought i will be with a date. ahaha. reposts memories.

-i kind of washing off nikko even though he appears nearby on my gr app. as they say, it takes one to replace one. and lo and behold. found this guy just right beside his profile and manage to meet up with him. he is 28, 5'8 big dick.. me met at the tennis court and bang. it was an intense encounter. that kiss while being fucked from behind was hot. he also fucked me bareback. i came while he fucked me. and i swallow his cum. that was great combo. he was an instant favorite. hope to meet him again soon. somehow my sadness for nikko washed over with feeling of exhilaration.

01/12

-i am on my VL and i am still saddened with nikko. i thought he will be my new version of nikko s. my crush in college who i am in loved with for 5 years. sigh.

-i slipped through and slept the whole day.

-i declared it as a sad day.

01/11

-i got my answer from nikko a day after i sent my invite. and it was a no.

-according to him,

"Ay hook up lang po ako sa grindr ehhh.

Pass po ako sa mga labas"

-sadly, my romatized feelings for him is: short-lived.

01/10

-kept thinking about nikko and wondering when could we possibly meet again.

-his watch is lying beside mine.

i can't even got to wear my skagene watch as his android watch might become alone and lonely by itself.

-was fantasizing about him and even think about him when sarah g sings: "can this be love"

-im smitten

-so i mustered to invite him for watching avatar with me since i will be on VL on the 12th, Thursday.

01/09

-woke up at Russ'

-had coffee and then black tea, paired with lemuel's bday cake: remnant of his caramia chocolate caramel cake while having the view of the manila bay and my choice of music: emily king's georgia

-im not sure if its because i talked with Russ about what stresses me lately and with what we smoked (cush and wild flowers) my mind became cozy and light. i was able to sleep well when i got home.

***

-when i wake up, i got a msge from this guy from mangahan Commonwealth. whom i supposed to meet last weekend but i have to be with russ and he have singing session with his friends. we finally meet and when i saw him i find him more gwapo and hotter compared to his pictures. for me, he is a moreno or pinoy version of nick jonas with his natural curly hair. gosh, I can't forget the way he freshly came from shower with only a towel on. kissed him while standing and his penis, erect.

-it was a wild love making. he is a stud and felt lucky to have this super sexy guy in bed. he is definitely worth bringing in my room and i came while riding his cock. its been a while since i came while being fucked. he is visually stunning so that adds up to my horniness. when its his turn to cum, he bent me over and fucked me without the condom. he came inside and felt a tremendous warmth inside me.

-he was able to sleep while cuddling. and when he woke up, i gave him a massage. he appeared to be turned on and he made me blow him and lick off his cum.

-we had dinner at rodicks before i walked with him at ylanan's gate to take a ride home. his name is nikko, a fellow isko (Educ) and he is a math teacher at ICA in san juan.

-when i get back in my room, we found out he left his wrist watch.

-well, i dunno how our future unfolds. but for now, i am super sextified and super kilig

. gosh.. 

01/08

- 1am, felt so low

-i felt i lose the zest for life

-i just want to do nothing.

-cam across this video and realizes a lot

https://youtu.be/rU8APAwp6io

-i realize that ive been through a lot of harsh moment and its my body to simply slow down and recuperate

-need to embrace the feminity inside me and simply slow down

-got reminded about light amd dark. that you cannot appreciate light if u haven't gone through the dark

-im in a cycle, and assured myself i will bounce back.

***

- 3pm, went to russ' place and brought him diplomat black tea (given by juswa Bautista hand brought from Australia) and prepared them this hearty concoction of tumeric, ginger, cinnamon and black pepper.

-watched the marvelous sunset at manila bay.

-russ gave me his art print, which i called the primordial branches. while looking for an envelope to cover the artwork, we came across an old photo with russ family with me and chai. it was year 2007, roughly 16 years ago. we were turning 22.

-coincidentally, its lemuel's bday tomorrow, so we gonna do salubong this midnight

-i prepared the pasta sardinia ala pobre and had a blast at the kitchen with russ. it was marvelous.

-watched juniper tree and had some drinks and party with russ, lem and later jay-r also joined us. jayr brought a mic with effects.. had drunken karaoke and it was really fun. 

-when the clock hits Midnight, we sand and greeted Lemuel happy bday and give him a toast.

01/07

-still can't stop thinking of what ive blurted out during my fa200 presentation. what could i have said better. i am overthinking, already told myself, it is what it is. already tried jogging, meditation, and some yoga. but still keeps on spinning back around my head. voices keeps on murmuring. hopefully after i sleep later, it will hushed down.

-the 6'2 guy from sofia bellavue msged me again and we had sex in his condo. although i didnt reached orgasm (due to constant porn watching) but i love the sensation and pleasured by his pounding. he came twice. we talked and cuddle in between. he sounds brilliant and intelligent while me sounding sleepy. i find him huggable and warm under his sheets while in his airconditioned room.

***

-wanna go to russ' with carri but carri not able to make it

-wanna go out but our mandatory OT is such a bummer!

-i will simply think i need this for japan trip and to pay out father's out of pocket hospital expenses. we were billed 70k, hmo only covered 50k, so me and my brother need to split 20k.

01/06

-finally done with my fa200 presentation. it ends up with a lot of major revisions required.

-i resigned and surrender to come what may.

-keep solace at University hotel, had chocolate cake and 2 refills of dark coffee.

-watched, im thinking of ending things, and there was a part when i simply cried. the movie might just be a trigger but i cried of exhaustion anxiety and uncertainties.

-anchored myself with the notion that nothing is certain anyway, so im ok.

01/05

-never felt so heavy and its only day 5 of this year.

things that are bothering me are:

*my father's hospitalization

*fa200 final presentation

*work related stuff

because of that, i deserve extra self compassion.

encountered this article and practice it specifically by heart:

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/a42156653/self-compassion-how-to-be-more-confident/

-finally my father got discharged. his running bill reaches 70k, but with the help of hmo, he only have to pay 20k. much less sana if mey father able to process his senior citizen application and Philhealth kaso, as my mother told me, mas inisikaso pa nya ang tagay.

now me and kuya will shoulder the payables. what a life.

01/04

-got stressed with my fa200 presentation preparation plus my father's hospitalization. i wish i can take an emergency leave at work but i want to start this year strong specially with my job since its the one that really pays the bill.

01/01/2023

-new day. a new year.

-celebrated in welcoming the new year at home, with the family.

-it was indeed challenging and stressful. so i had some alcohol, sang my heart out. around 2am, headed to cubao only to find out rapture is close. so i headed to obar. i want to party and dance like the dance video on Beyonce's honey

https://youtu.be/_c-1iF-FXSE

3am but it was too crowded and their music are staples of yesteryears. not much new musics from 2022. fine, so tried to have a good time and thinking i saved so.much hospital bills frm hmo, i splurged. frm the 4900 that i withdraw, only 1k left. 😭

saw my crush jap nafuente, again. the last time i saw him was in nectar. this time, he is too drunk, well again. and he is surrounded with his friends. i dunno when the likes of him will end up with me. aahaha

well, the stress i had yesterday clings on me. i didnt really enjoy and had so much bitchy encounter with grumpy and sad souls in there. so i end up bringing my drink outside and listen to my own favorite music through my earphones.

then bjork's sorrowful soil came to play so i cried again. left voice msge to russ mentioning that i told my father, with all sincererity, you did well.

sober up along emerald avenue, then went to cbtl inside my favorite mini park when chai video call me.

they are still not ok, and it breaks my heart with the notion that russ is leaving to new york and here they are, not able to patch things up while russ is still here in manila.

i showed her a video that russ and herself made for me. we end up with this triumverate pics of ourselves, for the longest time, virtually together. 

she sent an email to russ and acknowledge how me, being torn in between, is difficult. to the extend if there are invites from both of them, at the same time, i end up not going to neither of them.

i love them, equally.

a drop of lime

like a juvenile love that is so intense 

it hurts. 

What happened to me will never leave 

my memory.

a never healing wound, 

smeared by a drop of lime

It will accompany me.

for a life time.

how can i encapsulate it?

to a composer who is groping for words

for a song that represents 

a section of a sad story.

to a dancer in the dark

who traces her steps with a sigh

to a painter who splashes emotions in a works of art.

to a tormented soul

who pours her heart on a daily journal 

chapters of chapters of unfinished pages

blotted into an autobiographical ordeal. 

was it, an epic fail?

as one cannot pinpoint the location of tremors and pain.

these emotions, sparked by a memory,

and its accompanying tactile sensations,

an abundance of tears.

have been tucked away in the back of my mind 

for the past 20 years. 

In circumstances like these, 

time feels so peculiar. 

It nearly feels like time travel, 

of no chance to land.

as it's faint, 

woozy, 

and hard to grasp onto, 

like you're reaching out 

to catch smoke 

or water 

with bare hands.

01/08/23

01/08

- 1am, felt so low

-i felt i lose the zest for life

-i just want to do nothing.

-cam across this video and realizes a lot

https://youtu.be/rU8APAwp6io

-i realize that ive been through a lot of harsh moment and its my body to simply slow down and recuperate

-need to embrace the feminity inside me and simply slow down

-got reminded about light amd dark. that you cannot appreciate light if u haven't gone through the dark

-im in a cycle, and assured myself i will bounce back.

***

- 3pm, went to russ' place and brought him diplomat black tea (given by juswa Bautista hand brought from Australia) and prepared them this hearty concoction of tumeric, ginger, cinnamon and black pepper.

-watched the marvelous sunset at manila bay.

-russ gave me his art print, which i called the primordial branches. while looking for an envelope to cover the artwork, we came across an old photo with russ family with me and chai. it was year 2007, roughly 16 years ago. we were turning 22.

-coincidentally, its lemuel's bday tomorrow, so we gonna do salubong this midnight

-i prepared the pasta sardinia ala pobre and had a blast at the kitchen with russ. it was marvelous.

-watched juniper tree and had some drinks and party with russ, lem and later jay-r also joined us. jayr brought a mic with effects.. had drunken karaoke and it was really fun. 

-when the clock hits Midnight, we sand and greeted Lemuel happy bday and give him a toast.

01/01/2023

01/01/2023

-new day. a new year.

-celebrated in welcoming the new year at home, with the family.

-it was indeed challenging and stressful. so i had some alcohol, sang my heart out. around 2am, headed to cubao only to find out rapture is close. so i headed to obar. i want to party and dance like the dance video on Beyonce's honey

https://youtu.be/_c-1iF-FXSE

3am but it was too crowded and their music are staples of yesteryears. not much new musics from 2022. fine, so tried to have a good time and thinking i saved so.much hospital bills frm hmo, i splurged. frm the 4900 that i withdraw, only 1k left. 😭

saw my crush jap nafuente, again. the last time i saw him was in nectar. this time, he is too drunk, well again. and he is surrounded with his friends. i dunno when the likes of him will end up with me. aahaha

well, the stress i had yesterday clings on me. i didnt really enjoy and had so much bitchy encounter with grumpy and sad souls in there. so i end up bringing my drink outside and listen to my own favorite music through my earphones.

then bjork's sorrowful soil came to play so i cried again. left voice msge to russ mentioning that i told my father, with all sincererity, you did well.

sober up along emerald avenue, then went to cbtl inside my favorite mini park when chai video call me.

they are still not ok, and it breaks my heart with the notion that russ is leaving to new york and here they are, not able to patch things up while russ is still here in manila.

i showed her a video that russ and herself made for me. we end up with this triumverate pics of ourselves, for the longest time, virtually together. 

she sent an email to russ and acknowledge how me, being torn in between, is difficult. to the extend if there are invites from both of them, at the same time, i end up not going to neither of them.

i love them, equally.

12/2022

12/31

-my father was hospitalized due to mild stroke. such a stressful way to welcome a new year. we have to transfer hospital for a specialist. went to mission hospital only to find out most of their staff is on leave for the holidays. my papa is still good so instead of us going to a third hospital, we decided to just go home.

-chai was expecting me to be with them but i cannot simply leave my father and family behind this time.

-asked marzing max to pray for my father.

-earlier, went to perpetual succour hospital near UST and was greeted with the nurses, staff and the doctor. im glad it was covered by hmo but it worries the hell out of me earlier. although i already accepted whatever what will happen but i can't help to get teary eyed for losing a father. i mean already spent lifetime with him and he is already 72 but still the idea of losing a family member is indeed painful.

hoping and praying he will be ok, we still have to have him monitored but im savoring this moment when my father is spending new year's eve with the family. sounds of children blowing horns, my sister in law cooking noche buena, my kuya watching and explaining the inception to my father. baby avy and my mother laughing. its a lovely and hope filled new year. 

12/30

-had a great low intensity work out by puzzle fit and jog around UP.

-its Philippine holiday, and im payed without working. so i treat myself at ababu and finally had my ghafgazi with onions after i inform them that it can no longer be called persian restaurant without an onion. i had a vegetable salad to pair with it plus lola nena's pichi 2x. it feels like o had this dinner like emily in this michelan star studded restaurant. i payed almost my entire day salary but its worth it.

-supposedly meet a grindr contact but he is not responsive. from pajo to krus na ligas, i end up walking to never been before street and marvel how the locals celebrate their year end party. such a festive community. plus the dazzling lights are so hypnotic. i played bjorks bbc boxing day playlist:

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5AYLxMEuYlkv4ZPslcKin3?si=UB_PP6BkSz-YBqROUEfGUA&utm_source=copy-link

i personally love the cyrillus kreek choir with their do the birds worry and whilst great our poverty.

-had an invite from russ.and.lem but i had this tradition to spend new year's with chai. they are still not ok. russ is moving to new york. we can no longer know when we could spend the new year here in the Philippines, together.

im.torn between these two core friends.

-walked across my cruising acquiantance along university ave, make bangka and we had drinking session on the grass. the ssb/s might be on a holiday so they are not roving around. we shared stories of ultimate cruising experience and laugh our heart out with bloopers as they got so drunk.

-wanna go to cubao but was too tired and drunk.

12/29

-got a msge with range, we are supposed to meet in BGC but he blurt about he is dating with someone but we can still have sex. for some reasons i got turned off and call it off. he is still typing something but i uninstall my whatsapp. he is the only contact i got there anyway.

-got pissed with meiaj. suppose to meet him but as usual, he msged rather too late he already had strike 3 so i call it quits. as well. 

my last msge was this:

"Keep changing ur mind and i wont send invites anymore "

if ur invites are as unpredictable as the weather, then no thanks..

yeah, gnyt

***

it appears to be a night of letting go.

-met a half moroccan and had sex with him.

-went for a drink, able to finish a bottle of soju, in a rainy night while watching la belle et el bete 1946

-drunk as hell, find myself calling meiaj but his line is busy, or he simply blocks me?! i browse for open pizzaria as he is craving for one. when i found a still open Greenwhich near nova, i thought i can bring it home for him. i kept on dialing. a thousand busy-like-dead-tone. a thousand times, i died inside.

-yes, im that pathetic 😅😥🥺😭

12/28

-last work for the year before im going to have a year ender vacation leaves once again.

-my oa QA (quality checkers) didn't make it easy on me, as they returned alot of work items to be reprocesses. wth?! emailed and msged them back that its taking its toll on our backlogs. they might end up restless thinking about it. ahaha

12/27

-watched emily in paris season 3

-enjoyed the chilling season with quality sleep and great walks

12/26-27

-headed towards russ' place as im about to talk about meiaj with him. he ends up also going through shit with jayr. we pour out heart in alak and dance over vitamin string quartet bjorks cover.

it startout by going to the wet market, him cooking while me having coffee and nice meals from his left overs. ahaha

-we watched triangle of sadness.

12/25

-just woke up and everybody still sleeping.

-having my coffee when i see meiaj's txt msge that he still needs help and he want me to come over. (long details needed) waited for 8 hours, gone crazy with all the groceries i brought

-i could have spent it with my folks

-instead, i headed towards nova, for nothing. he simply msge me he slept the whele.day.

-i never felt that self pity, i simply got shattered to pieces.

-went to a salon to have haircut. somehow, thats the only way i can redeem myself and cut off the negative feelings i have on a Christmas day.

12/24

-spent xmas eve sa pasig where i have my mama and papa. and also baby avanna. brought my pasalubongs and good tidings from our company's pa nuche buena 

-waited til midnight by watching dreams by akira kurusawa

-sang xmas songs via videoke with my father. awesome duo

-eat and drink all night with my mother's cooking.. i definitely miss this. so i enjoyed it so much.

-then kuya carlo and jessica arrived. so we greeted merry xmas in real life when the clock struck midnight. it was simple but it was enough to say its xmas.

12/23

-just work for a day and vacation ulit. i wish i have the luxury of un interrupted vacation straight two weeks

12/22

-i savor my almost 1 week SL and just simply do nothing but sleep eat netflix cry and retrospect.

-jog at natsci complex and able to pinpoint my four major love affairs this year

1. dether

2. KF

3. Meugue

4. Meiaj

its funny when these guys only been with me for weeks or days but they affected me for months. and how they push me to feel alive. so im still thankful for them. i could only wish some of their good traits will be combined to become my ultimate "the one". sending my wishes/prayers to the heavens.

12/21

-listening to taylor swift. i guess im still under max's spell.

the 1 and august send me crying.

-went out for some some air. had tiger brown sugar /milktea/ trep shot coffee so i have that serotonin and dopamine overload while i watch the resurgence of the lantern parrade in UP.

-dance in the dark while listening to ts' wildest dreams and style.

-continue watching something in the rain and then watched emily in paris s3

12/17-20

-just can't take it. organized partee n play session. had several invites but i end up tom and jade. my regular pnp buddies.

-on the night of the 18th, rest for 1 sleep cycle and then found meiaj/max again at grndr around 3am of the 19th. ive been msging max since november.

-it was around 5am when i finally booked a ride. when i first meet him, i found myself so attracted to him. even on his pics and the time i saw him in real person. i smelled his armpit right away and gosh, he has this distinct manly scent i am into. he is the handsome version of arturo. only turning 22. taller and hairy on the right spots. 25k flashing smile. im afraid im falling for him. and im bad on falling for someone specially if its chem love. take for example zaeed, my half lebanese pnp buddy since 2017 of whom i had hate love hate encounter with him. well i end up partying with max from until 20th. i even have to call sick to be with him. as i thought we can sleep together. he is a taylor swift fan. we listen to her music all night long and then we end up having f.u. we also end up saying i love you's

. those things you said when you are young again and stupid. nevertheless, our love making is so great. one of the best. but again, there is no perfect partee n play session.

-the romantic event turns sour he invited someone he thought looks great but ends up to be otherwise

-im not sure if its me or him but we got some misunderstanding and i end up with a broken heart. my shirt was wet so i wore his shirt going home, i even sleep with it, and up until i write this entry.

-yes, i spent 6k and i end up being messed up. what a way to loose money 😅

12/13

-check in at sofitel with yka, claire and her hubby denmark.

-enjoyed the room, the balmain skin care and shower collection, pool, the bay and the buffet.

12/10-11

-spent the weekend at Russ'

met jay-r and i have them watch my favorite movie: asako I & II

later joined by lem, we had videoke without the mic 😅

-sleep over, had mocha and then prepared breakfast.

-watched Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio

-watched the after sunset at manila bay

-dinner at peri-peri malate

12/09

-watched a docu in upfi: the look of silence. such a heavy piece. and i could only hope and pray it will send msge to the whole world about pointless killings/astrocities and to put an end to it. what triggers me is when the mother says to have God punish the killers children and their children. as if she's sending off a curse. 

i felt that my series of ill luck of my love life could have been caused by my father's abandoned family before he met my mother. specially the one in bicol and also in birili. i could only ask forgiveness and light the candle i got from bantayan basilica to send msge of forgiveness and that we also suffered a lot. may it bring forth peace.

-able to see ilawan sa UP

12/06

-so was wallowing on the idea of love but have to burst my bubble. found out namoor already have a hubby and prince james nor msging anymore 😅 so it is what it is.

-its just that i have have that feeling for love and able to visualize it like a light lumniscent-blue connective membrane in avatar na walang kalalagyan or a bjorkesque hope muscle that allows us to connect.

12/05

-prince james and i check out frm the motel around noon time so we had dinner before we part ways. we exchange numbers 😅

-spent my recovery sleepless day with bjork orkestral via bjork BR and make use of the still lingering chemicals in body that heightened my senses

-im so blessed having a beautiful view outside my boarding house window. i love this moment when the day turns into the night. i have the moon perching outside, filtered by the trees. i can even see a couple of fireflies, able to search for eachother at the dark of the night.

-range (namoor) msge me frm his flight frm sg and will be meeting this Thursday 

 

12/04

-been through alot lately and was overwhelmed with lots of emotions. so the idea of partee n play comes to mind

-movie with russ and kaori, my supposedly spiral buffet with yka and Claire and even with the water spa with elois all cancelled.. its just that im not really in the mood and not in my usual elements 

-so i go hunting for a partee n play session i thought it was a failed mission but meet this prince looking guy.. prince james, and yes he is super gwapo and yummy. had a long session with him and our eksena in the bathroom was intense. and he is a kisser. we were both tired and run out of lube but he was able to cum inside me. that was intense.

12/1-3

-office mode. just chill and i can feel the Yuletide season in full blast.

-pizza night with yka, claire, cese and tristan. i left my kapetolyo mug in visayas avenue greenwich. i have to go back to get it since it has so.much sentimental value with julio.

-had my flu shot after friday shift, on a Saturday morning.

anthology of dreams: 2022

12/30/22

-dreamt about gerald again. he is around town from his cruising job. i find myself in this resort or his family home. we are inside a room. and talk about his travels in europe. we scroll/swipe in his phone for his pictures. he looks fit and handsome, i want him back again. but we end up going out of the room and then i found myself in a posh library with amazing books and photocopier.

i can no longer find gerald anymore.

12/06

-having this rich savory bone marrow soup for myself then lola consor and uncle ben looking for the one who took it? i stormed out while lola is on her 50's jeep

broth means i want more of goodness

lola consor means i needed more at that time , kakulangan

jeepney last resort/ last funds

then i receive a promo txt frm nokia 1100 phone? which can make me win but costs 2.50 per txt.. i have 2nd thoughts of answering it: since i only have much and the winning prize might be a scam. then i woke up with a heavy knot and sense of guilt but a valid one.

11/17/2022

-finally fulfill my dream to go to japan but there is a zombie apocalypse.

-saw piles of corporate slaves piling eachother

-saw a takuyaki portable stall with a gigantic octopus roof with a traditional oriental string accompaniment of taku taku ta takiyaki mantelman

-stayed in traditional resident home but my host or the resident got bitten and me still wanting to get with the mesmerzig clothing: a ball like leather bomber jacket and a cool terno shirt and tshirt (blue graphics with sun and. blue white yellow) and then then i got attacked and i wake up with a queezy stomach.

11/01/2022

russ dedicated cake estante of un eaten cakes that was preserved as sign of our friendship. cowrie making emotional speach while piggie backing with russ telling about special their frenship is like working for something.. then there is is this dog like fungus / then army of rats attacking the food 

09/06

-i had a very creepy nightmare

russ and i made an ambush performance with monks doing their meditation to a sacred temple.. and one performance lead one thing to another

heavy prayer beads

wearing kimono

then went into this horror theater house with unborn children heads on display it appears to be patrick saying gwapo unta o, and there are these severed fetus head on palanggana.. blood everywhere even on foot bath square basin.

then we made this rituals on this little severed lady heads.. black with real human hair but head is like a silout of a balenciaga girl covered in black cotton/jersey/stocking

"tatae ko, susuka mo"

was the spell

and that severed lady head quivers with real tongueee.. looooong gummy tongue appeared.. have to split that lady severed head with knife while groping the long black hair before the spell got worst.

i woke up having that chill all over me specially on my face my tummy and on my brain. scary as shit as ever 

09/01/22

-just dreamt im riding a brompton bike and riding to a coast (seems in my hometown in madridejos) sadened with trashes piling up at the sea 

.07/13/2022

-dreamt of gerald, my ex, we sort of seeing eachother again and he even go down for sex with penetration even though he is a pure "side". 

03/16

-dreamt of bjork

we went out of town 😅

then the day after i meet russ who said bjork just had a concert in a high school near north luzon a day before i saw here. but we missed it. since its a silent project of leni and i dunno if bjork was paid or she sang for the future gen.

02/28

-dreamt of orca

02/18/22

-woke up with this sad and heart wrenching dream as i felt all this concentrated heart pain that i denied and some of them i sit with.. on seing the intensity of my loneliness in a form of thousands of empty bottles of liquors consumed to numb my pain for all the years i was single and trying to be happy. 

waking up feeling so terrible.

02/03/22

-had 10 hrs of sleep after two nights of no sleep due to substance intake. i had this good dream turn into a bad dream. it turns back when john2x is little our bunso. he is such a source of happiness. we had a family celebration and we even surprised him. one key element is, they surprise him with a live frog and the frog ate his snacks.. it was fun.. and then later at night i can no longer find john, so i ask him where is he. and then my mom told me in her usual but such a sad and mourning tone: "susulatan nalang kita dong" don na ako nag wala.. i tried with all my energy to scream each word i wanna say but instead i heard myself in a weird whaling sound: "ang puputa nyong lahat"

***

gosh i really have to stop and never abuse my substance intake.

11/2022

11/30

-filed a leave for Bonifacio day.

perfect timing as namoor guy invited me over to come over at bgc. tried the yellow bus the first time and arrived at market2x for only 40php compared angkas for 200+

-walk along densely decorated high street and got mesmerized with its xmas seasoned lights

-went to nectar as namoor and his cousin will be there. but i get there might too early and i end up having so many tequila shots. i thought i was able to save much since the entrance was for free but i end up spending 2k plus for my drinks. yes its crazy. i just enjoyed myself with the music and the drag performances..

-since im just a walk in guest and i don't have a table, the bar crew treated me totally crappy. to think ive already spent thousands on their drinks?! to kinda lift my dignity, i found this table reserved by jett pe, a long time acquaintance from cebu whom i haven't seen for ages but connected via fb. so my initial plan is to simply exit when i see him come over. i think i was already too drunk and over enjoying myself when a bar crew approached me (of which i usually hate) and i automatically said i know who's jett pe is. "he is my friend" i snapped at him! (i try to say ut with all conviction i can muster) but he know that i am lying when behind him is jett pe himself. i melted in embarrassment. like i can feel all the colors on face went down the drainage 😭

11/29

-watched paulo avelino at janine's baka ngayon. loving the whole thing specially the ending. although its totally different but it so fitting with what im feeling with rico. or maybe i just need something to cry over with.

-also cried with "from scratch" as ive seen its ending..

-on my silent and alone moments, i've realized i might married to my singleness. is there is a third party or a querida, is the notion of having a partner. for a moment i have that surge of energy for that epiphany that i could write a book or even a manifesto about it. that there are people who are just simply married to themselves and having a partner is just our versions of having a fling.

11/28

-able to sleep well last night. it appears that im living a regular "day person's" life for two weeks. as i able to sleep at night and live my life during the morning compared to my usual graveyard routine.

-had my usual coffee and pancakes at fuente Osmeña mcdo and level it up with titay's rosquillos.

-rewatched listed to bjorks voltaic in live in paris. relive what russ and i had in their condo in Guadalupe.. such magical ang joga-esque moment.

-walk going towards and swim at Abellana. seen two hot guys/athletes. but i could only fantasize about them.

11/27

-in the middle of the dawn, got msge from the grindr guy im suppose to meet last night but they went out drinking. meet him and he is drunk but we made it out inside la playa's resort/cr. he is in the small side but he is cute, buffed hot, and yummy.

-dont have much sleep but able to see beautiful sunrise in my hometown

-went to bantayan proper and visited the ancient church and did my prayers.

-enjoyed cebu lechon! 

-visited leanne, my sister in laws place in kabac and see my brother john and my 3year old nephew, xinxin. i am happy that they are now living a province life compared to what they have in a pasig. i am also delighted to meet leanne's family. they are so warm and hospitable as they prepared and we feast on to fresh buko drinks, scallops and cuttlefish. very delicious seafood treat!

-went back to sta fe noon time and burn myself at sugar beach. stoned at the placid beach, with thermocline going on frm cold waters at the bottom and warm at the surface. swim near a boat and play with a very small fish. as what i usually do. i wish i could stay longer but have to back to a much harsher reality. such a fitting finale as i will be going back to cebu for my flight back to manila.. 

***

-listened to bjorks first album, debut and transfixed with crying, the live video was also amazing.

-continue "from scratch" and cried myself inside the ferry boat and inside the bus going back to cebu.

11/26

-went to bantayan island for the weekend 

-able to finish tim burton's Wednesday at kota beach with bottles of palesen

-met this six footer guy who im suppose to meet in cebu who happened to be in sta. fe. he is near so he came over and did it by sugar beach. its been a while since i had sex by the beach and this one is intense and hot. he is my type and find him hot. and he is a good top. gosh!

11/25

- attended visayas art fair and meet josephus, budz, and of course jana, as i promised to see her on the event.

then surprisingly, met greys compuesto. as she is in the same flr and she is one of the exhibiting artists together with ronyel and wendell.

i've some favorites and was overwhelmed with the art scene in Cebu. 

then went into this interior and fashion designs. saw kemneth cobonpue and jon unson. felt wonderful to see a live fashion show with bb. cebu/ms universe such as bea as models.

even saw a subtle cat fight at the runway. so intriguingly astonishing.

grindr myself inside the event and meet this fashion designer turned painter, adrian. talk all night long about his works. we even went out for dinner and had samgyup and soju. as we call it a night, we kissed each other at the terminal.

11/24

finally meet the namoor looking foreign guy

such intense and hot encounter 

11/23

-met a guy living in guadalupe. drove in his car and his bed.. we were like bf for one night.

11/21

-really love the sound of the splashing waves from my nipa hut. it reminds me of my childhood years in our hometown in bantayan as my room is a stone throw away from the shore.

-woke up around 2am and can no longer sleep. went for a walk until i decided to hike til tumalog falls at wee hours of the night until daybreak.

-i never knew it's an uphill climb and the entire road was pitch dark (im not sure due to brown out or it was due to road works) i have no source of light except the my phone flashlight and the stars above me 

-before reaching the falls i have magnificent view of the sea up above the mountain top. had my sun salutation when i finally meet the daybreak..

-its still too early and the entrace for the falls is close but manage to creep inside and what a magnificent view of the waterfall.

the moment when i am at the perfect place at the perfect time. 

just beyond wonderful 🥺

-

11/20

-finally able to see and swim with the whale sharks. able to swim in parallel on top of it, it was the best

-sent my reverence every time our eyes meet. also able to experience its fin flipped unto my limbs. i felt sudden yet in awe kind of a connection.

-they are huge yet definitely peaceful creatures

-i wish they are as intelligent and playful like the beluga whales but whale shark's timid trait has its charm.

-see them from ashore without the orchestrated krill feeders. it is jaw dropping shrill screaming moment.

-meet this guy from butuan for sex, in between and after our sex i found out that he is now based here in oslob. he talks about how "mingaw" the place is. i got from him the body recharge ive been needing and my craving for that armpit sniffing satisfied with him. he came inside me twice before he get back to his car and drive back to his place.

-yunt nasa dagat ka lang and see the cloud turns from gold to bloody red, then to melancholic purple.

-then i started ember-ing, what happens from January until now.

-i have to know my truth

11/19

-breakfast at royal suite inn with russ and sir munds. bothered with russ' reaction to ian's review. some information came from my conversation with ian for his sigbin performance last night over beer.. of which must have misinterpreted. the portion where russ toured this piece to europe and asia. i hope he will outweigh the genuine favor of publicity

-had dinner at helena's farm with sir marx and his wife. they inspire me to retire early and have business. 

they are both professors and part of the academe. such an irony since their job is my dream career but based on their talk, its not worth keeping it. so they resigned and came up with a business.

-oslob, was suppose to book in stay n save but it was fully booked. lucky to still find a seaside hut at bcd place at my bargained price of 400 a night. so i booked two nights 

-get into the water and hear someone do karaoke with the kitchie nadal medley from the neighboring shore. wag na wag mong sasabihin goes to rico

11/18

-pamainit sa merkado

-bo's coffee, Boulevard, seaside where is sip.my coffee.

-my skull is my cathedral, russ exhibit, el amigos, performance art by russ with sir mundz and budoy

-concert blvd, babu

-helen's bulaluhan

-had a massage with a part american local.

11/17

-arrived in dumaguete

-dinner at el amigos

-went to janice jumalon's pottery workshop

-had a tour and interview and even able to feel her hands. such a wonderful way to connect with an artist.

-we had some beer and puff some weeds

-budoy was and still very funny

-laugh the night out

-still have work. made the royal inn rooftop as my office.

11/16

-we had this ongoing kris kringle and i received snake and ladder as a random gift!

-had fun with yka, claire and mike as we played snake and ladder. its been decades since i played this board game.

-saddened with mommy rosalyn's termination at work. yka claire and i was informed personally by boss rio.

-it was a heavy and tiring day. so tired i cant even rest for my flight later today

-able to make it to the airport in time to freshen up and have some rest 

-finished the last episode of bjork's sonic symbolism: utopia

-so ready for the fossora world tour but before that im really praying my bjork orkestral in kobe will soon materialized! gosh! never felt so alive and kickin this past few years!

11/15

-still felt heavy due to breakup with rico.

-didnt have enough sleep as i tried finishing my thesis drafts and also preparing for my Dumaguete cebu trip with russ.

-already prepared for work when suddenly mama told me papa is at kuya's place after he and kuya had some dispute. since im not in the mood and proper condition for work, i txted my boss that i cant make it tonight and booked angkas going to pasig. heart warming to see mama with avy as they about to sleep. im glad to see papa and kuya doing well. sing with then just for an hour as i really need some more sleep. my father is now 72 and he is still as vibrant as he used to. i thank God for giving him such a long life.

11/14

-need to reset

-watched and cried over 21st century girl 

-watched kim interview with James corden. kim just split with pete. i felt like k.k., having one boyfriend to another 😅 and just like her, maybe i won't have another one just yet. if i found someone new, he would probably someone i bump into an academy, an art exhibit or an event/festival.

11/13

-i felt stressed with all the all that worries me recently: my moms fever, paper works, rico unable to provide sexual pleasure. so i got an invite for a partee and play session and went to cubao but was turned off with my supposedly playmate. so i called it off. went for massage instead. no sleep and was drained earlier due to noontime heat, rico asked to borrow some money. its already critical wallet days so i cant offer the amount he asked for. i didn't reply afterwards since he is so insistent. 

he ends up ballistic with his text msgs/viber, called it quites and he wont be messaging me again. like wow. im not sure if its out of shame or he doesn't really loves me at all after all we've been through.

11/12

-date with rico, he had back injury due to his volleyball tournament. met him at shang and we had dinner then we watch our first movie together, black panther 2. marveled its effects both visual and emotional since it presents Chadwick's passing

-was worried with my mother. she got fever. found out she got over fatigue due to her zumba and meet and greet with doc willing ong and his wife, doc Liza of which she is a major follower.

11/10-11

-jog with elois. its rare to speak with co UPian and she gave me insights of what UP diliman really was back in the days. we also had both intellectual and heart to heart walk while going around UP

-continue with my paperworks regarding online education

-my 11/11 was unremarkable, rico cannot be with me as he worked overtime at work

-purchased 8 monogatori lubes at shoppee and able to get major discounts. laughs

11/09

what is magical moment for me?

when its full moon and i swim in a clear sea water.. when its 3am and i do yoga session by the beach. when i eat a wonderful meal. having coffee at the mountains. wine at sunset.

11/08

-its me and rico's 1st ever monthsary.. cant help but feel wonderful we have reached this far. specially that im the kind of guy who easily gave up with things i find that i didnt like at first:

he is not showy in terms of pda

he is always late in our date

he is not yet financially stable

he dont want us to have sex yet

but it appears i am more understanding and giving at this age, i am also more compromising

-full moon, with lunar eclipse. last time i saw it was in bantayan island and i played bjorks unison in the loop.

-was able to brush off my issues at work regarding my overstay in the csr support and talk my loyalty to the analyst team. we also had this cross site meeting when i shared how chaotic our elections here. in the Philippines compared to US and Canada. realtalk it is. i felt exhilarated. ahaha. after thr meeting, i took an hour long break at 12midnyt and jog underneath bright full moon and clear sky

11/07

-did a silent protest at work

as i felt torn between two department. i made my point that they can't simply overuse and abuse me

-continue watching the serpent queen 

-also watched saldana's netflix series from scratch

11/06

-2nd day in pampanga

woke up having coffee with claire and yka

-had breakfast with the team and then another drinking session with ms ju and tristan and the rest.

-kulitan with nice' kids

-went back to QC and still have my sunday evening

-meer Rico and we went to quezon memorial circle for a jog/walk, our conversation keeps on getting deeper and our bond is getting stronger

-dinner at technohub with the christmas lights surrounding the mini park across tokyo2x 

11/05

-my 1st team building with my claims analyst colleagues in pampanga

-had a great time being a co host with luningning as my peg

-great food, drinking session and videoke specially with claire and yka

11/04

-i need sleep. do the sleep yoga meditation again

-kept on listening to bjorks sonic symbolism, this time from vespertine to vulnicura

-

11/03

-its been a week since i worked out at the UP gym. saw my usual crush. but he is just a crush and he was like looking for my name at the registrar but when i take a look my name isn't there anymore. its weird.

-usual work at the office and its officially we dont have to wear mask for the eo 7 since last Friday 

11/02

-felt revived after spending the night with russ. we went biking around manila coastal area. seen the coco palace, and the infamous (horrific) amazing Philippines in the eye. had my ode to that place since it inspire one of my poem when part of the ongoing construction collapse and buried some people alive. its like a ritual to also commemorate my lost feelings with dether. it was kind of the child/ghost from the murmers, had confrontation with him and run to the light. 

-we continued biking and we had this japanese breakfast accross cartimar. its great to catch up with him and just had a great and peaceful time

11/01

-all souls day. went to church with mamu to make dakgot with the kalags. specifically for nanay pineng, lolo RD and anhing charice. and also with the rest of our bygone family members..

-had a date with mamu, had dinner and our favorite lasagna at greenwich and then had massage. it was a great bonding with my mother 

- not contented with my masseur so i went down to cubao to have madam tess and she've done her signature massage.

-able to sleep enough and had this invite from a 8incher guy from capitol drive, he is huge and good fucker.. when done i felt i bled, then i went to russ place. had dinner, watched the murmers in Netflix before we slept.

i am at the perfect place at the perfect time

woke up around 3am inside my rented beach hut. not able to sleep any more, and i had enough of the sounds of the waves and hours of staring blanky at the nipa bamboo ceiling. so i decided to walk around.

i always love waking up at a different location. opening my google map, it provides what will be my next potential adventure would be. so i found this falls "nearby" and it is a good one and half hour trek from my place. i said to myself, well i've experienced a 3 hour trek in sagada so it's nothing. it's 3 am, no bus, no motorcycle, and definitely no hail-a-taxi in this southern most part of this island.

it was a wonderful walk:
-a beautiful seaside cliff
-the scent and the sounds of a provincial town
-a view of a waxing crescent moon that appears to be smiling

so these motivates me to go on. until i reached the steepy slopes, a forested and an uphill entrance to the falls.

it was pitch dark, and, if i didn't bring my built in flashlight on my phone,  i only have the stars and the moon as my main source of light. the idea of wild beasts, creepy monsters, aswang, or even the idea of falling off the cliff didn't fail to permeate me. so honestly, it was scary. i want to back out, but i've already tavelled so far so there's no way im giving up. besides, lolo franklin reminds us that “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself".

as if my ongoing calvary is not enough, somewhere in the middle, i never knew it was an uphill climb. i remember singing and trying to grasp what miley cyrus trying to say with one of her songs to distract myself from my aching legs.

then here's my final station. after a scary and tiring trek, the entrance for the falls have a signage which screams:

CLOSED

what?! fine, i arrived too early but definitely this falls should not be privitized. it shouldn't be subject for any restrictions. nature is not owned by anyone or by a governing body, yeah? besides, im a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars 😅 i find myself laughing at the signage as if that's the lamest joke i've ever came acrossed, like wth?

so i went over the bakod and yes, in a sense or in somebody else's perspective, i trespassed!

heaven on earth, i get in, running, with all smiles and such thrill getting inside and come face to face with nature's wonder.

the words to describe this moment are:
-a saintly trance
-emancipated
-ecstatic

what a better way to see the falls in its grandest glory when it is fresh from the night before and now, with the sun rays miraculously angled at the main point where the water (literally) falls!

so, with all the turmoils i went through, i must say that:

i am at the perfect place at the perfect time.

so i basked with the purest elements this oasis can bring, embracing, as a part and entirety of the universe,  before the main "touristy" crowd gets in and ruin everything.