visiting veruschka

purple haze
of a sighing breeze
how could i forget
those clinging memories

a cup of powdered bones
a spoonful of tears
come lathering
towards the northwest shores

patay'ng suba

susihon namo ang imong ginhawaan
subayon namo ang dalan
padulong sa imong tiyan
ug naugon ang mga ang-ang sa imong puson

aduna ka bay gusok,
kumagko o saag nga bukog?
aduna ka bay atay
nga modalit ug apdo
o dili ba batikoon
nga mohilis sa imong kinaon

maski nagkasangit-sangit
sa nagkaguliyang kaugatan,
baktason namo ang mga suok-suok
sa imong tina-i
ug sayawan ang entablado
sa imong sabakan

apan dili kini makapatukar
sa imong karaang sonata
ug dili na makapalitok
sa imong pulong

mao na nga gingsuka mo kami
sa imong baba
diin imo kaming gilumsan
sa kamatuoran
diin ang among kinalasang lakang
dili na masubay ug dili makaplagan

alang kay madam Misha-misha

hello madam Misha-misha
kamusta kana?
kapin na sa usa ka tuig
sukad tika kinalasang nabisita

nagpabiling usa ka katingalahan
kung ikaw ba boutan,
o kung ikaw ba maldita
ug dali ra ma-irita

basta nanghinaot ko
nga ang imong pinalanggang iro
buhi pa ug kusog mamaghot
kay sigurado gyud nga kung wala na siya,
kanunay kalang gyud magmug-ot

bitaw, madam Misha-misha
kamusta kana
kanus-a kaha tika
sa personal,
makita

09:47

17:47

kung aduna koy mahinumduman

kini mao kadtong nalibot ko ang isla
kadtong nalumos ko sa kangitngit uban sa mga aninipot
kadtong nasaag ko sa Asturias
kadtong nikurog ko sa taghoy sa hoyohoy
kadtong nisakay ko sa bus padung sa wanang

kung aduna koy mahinumduman,
kini mao ang akong pag-inusara
ug dili kadtong nakahiuban tika

dili na madakpan

susama sa
nagdagan nga anino
sa nagdagan nga panganod
dili ko na madakpan
ang imong dughan

ayaw nalang

ei there!
musta naman ka
hmn, mao ba
ahh, i see
so you'll be staying here
just for a week
afterwards you'll be heading
towards Manila
best of luck then,
alright, i see
amping
ayo-ayo

mohirit pa unta ko'g hug
pero ayaw nalang
kay mao ra man gihapon
masakitan ra ko pag maayo

"Cold, cold water surrounds me now.."

wind reiten

while to whole city is lighting candles and murmuring prayers for the lost souls; ms. B, russ, chai and I went to Olango and set our spirit free..

basag balak sa pag kalag-kalag

....did attend Bathalad's "basag-balak" in Golden Haven (the night before All Soul's day) and recited one of my cebuano poem:

alang kanimo

ako nang gihalad ang akong kasing-kasing

akong gihimbisan
gi kuwaan ug hasang
ug gibukyad
sa kainit
dihang ni evapora
ang pisik sa dugo
nga ni kurog
dungan sa paghilak ning akong dughan

ni kinang sa akong mga mata
ang unod nga ni sayaw
sa matag hapak sa kasilaw sa adlaw
sa dihang kini ni kuyos
ug nauga dungan sa pagtaghoy
sa akong kaguol

sakto ra ba sa kaparat?
sakto raba pagka-uga?
sakto na ba ang timbang
sa kabug-aton sa akong gibate
aron matagad mo kini akong gidalit
para lang kanimo

sakto na ba akong gibuhat aron ka makahibaw
nga sa hagbay na panahon
ako: magpabiling mo-alagad kanimo
nga ako: hangtud sa hangtud mo dangup kanimo
apan dili pa kini sakto
aron mo angay sa imong garbo

busa, ipabilin ko kining akong kasing-kasing
nga gabukyad sa mga matang na walay katin'awan
nag-uga sa gugma nga walay klaro
apan tuskig sa pagbati
alang kanimo

dark murky waters

I shiver with a slightest breeze, I hesitate to dip in but the sea is too inviting to resist. I dock into the water level to keep me warm with its placidity, then Chai and I help Ms. Bambi, as she pull the found banka to a mystery lush of mangroves.

I recognized Ms. Bambi's profile with the sliver of the moonbeam on her profile as well as the glistening of her hair as it cut through the water. she seems to be a sea nymph guiding us to a secret place. we get into the thicket of mangroves until we reach a clearing. it's like an oval track only that it’s surrounded with trees rooted into the dark waters.. It’s eerie and marvelous at the same time. it's like a scene grabbed from a mythical book of Tolkien. we reach the epicenter and saw the shy moon uncloak herself at last. she is our main audience as we swam into the warm dimly lighted yet sparkling water.

then we continue to wade through unknown territories, stepping our feet into slithering roots and muddy sands. while Ms. Bambi, our sea nymph guide, tied the rope around a flimsy branch and we try to hide our identity from the guarding trees. from its roots, there dwell invisible organisms. we could only see them once we try to wave our hands under water and see neon lights illuminated through the dark. I know this is real. Chai and Russ already saw these zooplanktons and they are for real.

my fascination swallowed the moon. I can't contain myself on seeing those tiny lights filtered by a liquid matter to the extent I plunge into the dark water, opening my eyes to see those neon lights crash into my face even though I feel my eyes searing with pain. Defying my bodily instincts, i keep on looking on those neon lights as i forget how to breath until my lungs were filled with murky waters.

-originally posted and edited from this entry...

French Gypsy Jazz

ako, usa ka ballerina

kininto nga sayaw
sa imong atubangan;
ako, mo kiay

ilabyog ko kining akong haw'ang nga lawas
ubay sa imong gitara,
tuod motuno ang kapaspas sa akong ginhawa
sa kasikas sa kwerdas

ang kahapdos ug kasakit
gipadayag sa akong mga kamot
nga gawara-wara
ug mulatay sa alambre sa kinabuhi
kining akong mga lapa-lapa

kininto nga sayaw
sa imong atubangan;
ako, mo kiay-kiay
motuyok dayon kog kalit
dungan sa kalibog sa hangin
nya ipalupad ko kining
akong mga bukton
sa imong gihong-hong na sonata

modagan ko diha sa imong dalan
aron masilhig ko ang linghot
sa imong niaging mga adlaw
ug taliwala sa imong kabalaka o kaguol,
mabaling tika sa akong itum na tutu^
nya pag dayon human,
kining akong tiil; akong ibusdak,
resulta sa atong pagkabungkag.

alang sa usa ka barista

aduna koy naibgan nga usa ka barista
inig dominggo sa gabii, didto sa kapehan---
sa iyang atubangan, ako magpa-atbang

gaaso nga tasa, ako gakiti-kiti
katamis sa dihang itunol na nya akong sukli

ambot kung ngano mukirig
kining akong mga ngabil
wla man unta ko mapaso
o diba gayam'yam
(tungod sa way katulog paghandum kaniya)
basta sa iyang kape,
kanunay kong ma-kilig!

susama sa crema ug asukar
ako daw motuyok ug mahilis
sa dihang malumos naku sa iyang radar

maski dili pako niya piskan
magpabilin kanang iyang dagway:
usa ka mantsa dinhi sa akong alimpatakan

gaaso nga tasa, ako gakiti-kiti
katamis sa dihang itunol na nya akong sukli
apan imnon ko ang kapait sa akong pagbati

kay sa pag-pauli,
muhapdos nasad ni akong dughan
kay kaybaw ko nga dili gyud naku siya makahiuban

breath

one of these days,

please let me breath.

photo: taken from one of XO? art performance in outpost

pag-inusara

dinhi sa dagat
akong i-tuslob kining akong mga mata
paningkamotan ko nga dili mamilok
hangtud aduna koy makita

naglibog naman gud ko
naglisod nakug sabot sa mga panghitabo
aduna koy mga pangutana
nga sa hagbay nga panahon
nipilit ug halos dili matangtang
susama sa pugita

susihon ko kining kalawmon
utngon ko kining kaparat
hangtud aduna nay katin-awan.

dinhi sa dagat
akong i-tuslob kining akong mga mata
paningkamotan ko nga dili mamilok
sawmon ko ang tubig sa akong pag-inusara
hangtud makit-an tika

salamat

gusto ko mopahiyom
sa mga gagmayng matang
nga imong gidalit---para lang kanaku.

gusto ko mopahiyom
sa matag adlaw nga ikaw
masakitan---tungod lang sa akong kaboang

sa imong puro nga pagmahal
ug sa chocolate nga Ghirardelli

wala naku'y laing masulti pa

gapas

sa kanunay nga imung adlaw mulakaw
magpabilin kining akong anino, ga'barog
tiil ug kamot gabawog---
ang dagway nagtutok sa salog

pila pa ka gabii ang akong lamyon
aron masinati ko balik ang imong katahum
pila ka dupa kalay-a
kung diin asa ka.

dungan sa mga aninipot,
akong mga tudlo nag pundok
nagsabwag kini sa mga gagmayng gapas
nga unta, dungan sa akong panalangin
mulupad ug maanod kini
ngadto sa imong panganod

Napalid

naupos na ang sigarilyo
nga imong gi halokan
napapas na ang aso
nga niligid sa imong panan-awan

ako: molayag ug dili mo na makit-an
patuyokon ko kini akong palabad
gamit imong tayhop

susama sa abo gikan sa imong tabacco
ako: napalid ug nagpabiling gingkalimtan

September

yes, its undeniably the BER months.. it's gonna be cold, wet and slippery from our heart all the way to our feet but hopefully we will randomly bump to eachother, whatever circumstances we might gonna be under...

-a snippet from an email; addressed to agent banshee rabidcat, agent chocolate thundah and agent loudmouth virginamazon.

September 1-3

-struggling moments.. sigeg pangutang here and there
-but never asked help from my parents, call it pride or "prinsipyo" but i can't stomach becoming dependent to them
-keeping myself assured, i always tell to myself: "mahingkawas ra ko ani"
-its hard for me to sleep at night, i find myself walking along talamban area at midnight

September 5

-we had our last day of training with ann.my wave mates and i have a salo2x at the pantry
-i got the highest score with all of my assessments
-giggle with Jean, my new found friend here in the site
-we tell each other stories, we are now sort of bonded
-she call me bitch while i call her slut...and we call our wave mates as old farts---then we laugh it all off!

September 6

-harren and i had a long talk by the porch as i waited for chai and russ to arrive. we talked about our hometown (Gen San; Bantayan Is) and first heart aches.
-dance with chai at the balcony as we sang bjork's "possibly maybe"
-russ bought a stick of cig and the three of us take turns of puffing from it as we shared the cruelty of life
-nevertheless, we are still happy.
-the three of us eventually went to Paseo. We found there's no place for us there, we proceed to Mango.same case. we ride a cab home without saying a word. all of us were spacing out.

September 7

-it's a rainy sunday and i don't want to rot in my room all by myself. gone to russ' place and we had movie marathon. we watched these videos:

*monster's ball
*love actually
*wrist cutters

-the night grown deeper, russ and i have a long walk along banawa road.
-he had his dinner and after that we log-in to a "slut machine" and tried our luck. unfortunately, we went home saying: "way swerte!---but maybe one day we might grab the jackpot"
(you know what i'm pertaining about--so go figure it out)

September 8

-Julio visited me in my flat. He brought with him some goodies/pasalubong from the states (chocolates, canned goods, imported soaps, shirt and a hand bag)
-well, I'm grateful with my in-laws.. hehe

September 10

-my eternal crush' birthday
-republished "ode to the celebrant" in memory of him
-comfort myself with Julio's chocolates

September 16

-had my Berlitz Testing alone in a barren training room
-its quite strange talking with a stranger assessing your language proficiency over the phone. i wish we converse in German or in Spanish
-had a very long day and decided to go to Banawa to unwind. but there's nobody around. I only find sylvester (chai's cat) and kinshasha (a half labrador pup). i played with them for some time and rub their tummy before i left.
-i check my blogspot and i feel guilty with julio's message in my cbox that says: "how come?" (in response to my "august" post)

September 17

-I'm glad my last pay in my prev company is ready and could be released this friday!
-i hope its more than my expected amount
-can't wait for this financial breakthrough

September 19

-finally, i already claimed my last pay.
-and i can't help but overwhelmed with the amount since its much way too higher than i expected
-able to pay all of my dues: 3 months worth of bhaws rent, utang sa mga tao nya gilukat akong cellphone and set aside some emergency cash
-finally, nahingkawas na gyud tawn ko.

September 20

-early morn, i woke up with a weird dream***

-thanks for my long overdue "last pay" from my previous company, nahingkawas ko sa almost two months of financial coma (for being broke made me bedridden---literally!). -Then i became a heroine for "sylvester" from the treacherous hands of russ since i chose to be in banawa and watched elvis Presley (with a friend and villain) over staying in Casa Escaño in the midst of literary snubs (although it could have been with a friend) it just that I'm much comfortable with the former one. -Chai is in Davao, though she was with us in spirit, Vera, Russ and I bond over a set of beer. of which scenario led to vera's drunkenness and russ' sudden urge for women. haha

September 22

-27th monthsary namo ni Julio
-and i can remember how we spend the day by what we spent:

*280 two movie tickets "for the first time"
*80 munch
*100 bread talk
*90 dinner
*0.0 special bond

September 23

-processed my 1st ever health card in City Health
-also processed NBI clearance for passport
-tungod sa kainit ug nag-apas sa oras, nadakpan noon ko sa CITOM
-after few minutes of discourse, I'm able to win the officer's heart and let me go (phew! I'm spared for staying in a correction bus for 2 hours or paying the penalty fee)
-had a coffee moments with chai in JY
-she have for me a pasalubong from Cagayan
-i also able to pay her the 1000 pesos that i owe from her

September 26

-continuing a long kept tradition, i watched Cinema Europa
-able to watched "Children of the Moon" (Germany) and "Beauty in Trouble" (Czech Republic)

September 27

-the empress of Cheshire Cat's Birthday
-greet her first thing in the morning
-2nd day for the Cinema Europa Marathon, but unable to come over since we have an upcoming performance this day
-so instead of watching somebody else's fictitious life, Russ, Chai and I had our life's moments in Turtle's Nest where we had our performance night

September 28

-with Julio, we attend the last leg of Cinema Europa film festival this year
-we watched two movies: "Late bloomer" and "Vitus" both movies are from Switzerland

September 29-30

-in my room, reading a novel and smoking

THE CHESHIRE CATS SHOW

1. Walang Libreng Beer at Pagkain Dito dahil Krisis Ngayon

Presentation by Chai Fonacier

2. Today today today! Now now now! The luxury of anything can happen and The price of knowledge
art by Russ Ligtas.

3. Ug musayaw si Liyo

performance by Liyo Denorte

...................................................

September 27, 2008, Saturday. Turtle's Nest, 9pm. (But a performance will start at around 7:30 so come early if you want to see). No entrance fee. Bring a friend if you like. Wear a funky hat. Going wild allowed on that night, in accordance to the Fonacier Birthday Decree B612 which states: Visitors and Celebrant may go mad.

Birthday Decree no. 3.14159: All other September Celebrants may celebrate their un-birthdays as well.

Taym Sa'

ayaw ko talikdi
ayaw ug dagan palayo kanaku
taym sa! hunong kadiyot
ug paminawa ang tukar sa akong bukog
pangitaa ang mga aninipot sa akong kasing-kasing
ug usapa ang mga pulong
gikan sa akong atay

palihug sabta
nga ako para lang gyud kanimo.
kalimti na ang uban
kay wala silay labot
sa atong hampang nga tago-tagoan,
kay ikaw ug ako ra gihapon
ang mag kinit-anay
sa ilaw'm sa takdol nga buwan.

sa tunga-tunga sa gabii,
gusto kong mag gakus ta
nga sa labing kahugot
mawad-an tag ginhawa---
dungan sa imong kalagot:akong kaguol
ug sa atong kasubo,
manga-padpad sa hangin.

mao na nga
palihug,
ayaw ko talikdi
ayaw ug dagan palayo kanaku
hunong sa' kadiyot
ug intawn
ayaw ko biya-i

After Dark (murakami)

Quite nocturnal, i just find it hard to sleep at night. I'm much comfortable when the sun comes down, it would be less hot and the world seems to be much peaceful. as much as i hate being stuck in a traffic jam, i hate walking along dusty road. that's why i like walking alone at midnight (even until dawn). streets are always barren and cold at that time.

it's the time when the puff of smoke from my cigarette turns into a mini cloud and it trembles with its own lightning. It's the time when lamp posts talk with their own shadows. When goats, after a whole day of munching grass, will find its way to trash bins and eat garbage. It's also a time when stray cats try to ask you some stupid questions like: "where have all the fishes fallen when they rained down from the sky" with their nonchalant eyes when you passed them by. furthermore (according to a friend) when you remove the walls from all the houses around the neighborhood, you will see people lying in their sleep (most, if not all) like corpses in an overloaded morgue.

on top of all, midnight is is the best time for me to deviate from the chaotic strings of crowd on a usual daytime.

originally published in 2004, "After Dark" by Murakami, a book that reveals about alienation and social withdrawal. furthermore (as of personal point of view) it captures certain surreal moments when our ever wandering consciousness relentlessly evades our subconscious mind.

...half awake half asleep

A novel where mundane thoughts and banal happenings turn out to be fascinating, while some readers might find it mysterious or whimsical.

it's my 9th Murakami, I red handedly grabbed it from a book shop and have a plan to return it back one of these days.

paghinoktok

ani-a kana sab
naglingkod murag bato
ang mata gatotok
didto lusot sa ding'ding
sa imong kwarto

kanus-a paman ka
mahipukaw sa imong gamatang pagdamgo?
diin imong mga tiil ug kamot
galutaw sa imong kalibutan
nga hagbay ra nihunong
susama sa lingin nga orasan

asa paman ka padulong?
mu-ikyas na sad ka?
imo na sad kung paapason
gikan sa dagat sa Siquijor
ngadto sa langub sa Aprika

matinga nalang ko
nga sa dugay mong
pag-statua
mukalit lang ka'g pagdumdum
sa pag-ginhawa ug
nanghuyos imong baga
human sa lawom nga pagpanghupaw

hahay,
ali na dire bah
haw-as na diha sa
imong atabay
maglakaw-lakaw ta didto sa bukid
bahala na kung kita magaras
bahala na kung kita mangasaag
basta kay mangita tag dalan
padung sa tumoy sa imong kalibutan
hangtud mangahulog ta
didto balik sa imong atabay
diin ang kangit'ngit gitusok
sa gamayng buslot
sa imong paghinoktok

ay, mauwaw ko...

ayaw ko tan-awa
bati kog nawong
adunay daghang buslot
ug butlig-butlig
nga gimpang sablig
sa akong nawong

ayaw totoki
muborot nya nag samot
muhobag, mamula o
basin pa, moboto'
murag bomba

i hope dili ka
ma-turned off
ayaw kabalaka,
mawala ra ni
human sa akong pag-regla

kaybaw baya ka,
nga bag-o ra ko ni-daga
kaybaw baya ka,
nga daghang kahibulungang
nanga'hitabo sa 'kong
kalawasan nga nagpabiling
misteryoso sa pagka'karon

so please
bear with me...
I can show you other things
if you like...
or, if ganahan gyud ka og
adventure, pwede nato
palungon ang suga

kay sulti nila:
"adunay mga sagradong matang
ang makaplagan sa kangit'ngit"

basta kay ayaw lang gyud ug
ka-turned off ha...
kay ako,
pwerte baya ko'g
kaibog nimo
maski ang imong ilong
murag palwa.

bugdo pa sa Monay

gatindog sa akong atubangan,
gabarog ug ga'panting
ang imong himsog na kalawasan

ambi naku kay didto ra ka
mo possing sa stage ug murampa
pero pwede ra sad diay
dinhi sa kilid sa akong katre
dinhi sulod sa akong kwarto

beh, patan-aw sa imong braso beh
oi! kadagko susama sa akong paa
beh, patan-aw sa imong chest beh
oi! kabugdo murag monay ni manong Tinong
beh, patan-aw sa imong abs beh
oi! ka flat, murag gi palo-palo sa
usa ka daku nga baratiya


kalami nimo ingkiton: kagumkum
kalami nimo tilapan: tami-is ug parat-parat
hmn, let me see your face
oh my gosh---you look like Jericho

ok..

nya, mag-unsa naman ta ani---
mag'pa picture?

ode to the celebrant

like a sunset over the lake..
just maybe,
it may seems that
the sun that sets
is the dying flame that wave the rays
of my heartache's arms.

basking

yearning

of a long gone love.
that once sprung up
but chooses to kiss
the tinge line across surrendering
and be forever drowned
in the cold murky waters..

how i yearn for the "could have been" moments
toying around of your vague images
and reach into solitary painful orgasm

how i miss that certain glow
that sparkle from your smile
that gives warmth into my core

but you let me sink into your horizon.
and forever be fading
leaving no trace of memory nor flicker
from your blanket of reverie

as i make my way towards the empty hollow
soon i'll be numb
soon i'll be old to feel what was was
however,
i chose not to forget

how i yearn for the "could have been" moments
toying around of your vague images
and reach into solitary painful orgasm
how i yearn for the one who greyed me out into shadows.
who---

keeps me in the dusk.



-originally posted and edited 09/10/2004

August

...was a very sad month

August 01
-i've been waiting and i'll keep on waiting

August 03
-went to russ' place in Banawa
-watched Sophia Coppola's "Lost in Translation" with chai
-the three of us stroll at Ayala and settled in a coffee shop
-borrowed some money from chai (since all my savings were depleted after a month of being a certified bum)
-i'm broke
-we went back to Banawa and we had dinner

August 05
-7 am, haven't slept last night. sleepy and most jeepneys are full. I unintentionally get myself into a bus that's heading towards my boarding house in Talamban, not knowing it is a private school bus. i slouch over as students keep on staring at me. i keep my cool and pretended that I'm a school teacher by reading through my book. the moment i exited, i just simply quips to the bus driver "sorry and thank you"
- when i got myself out, i can't contain what i feel, a mixture of embarrassment and exhilaration. "whoa i got a free ride in San CArlos school bus"

August 06
-Stayed at Julio's place in Danao
-watched my Best Friend's Girlfriend". Watch the entire film in silent mode since the audio is busted, i read on the english subtitle instead.
-swoon over Richard Gutchierez and watch it for the second time when the audio terminal went normal. For some reason, I appreciate the movie more with only the subtitles than the audio is on.

August 07
-watched "One more chance" a movie presented by Star Cinema.
-mushy it may seems but i did cried over

August 08
-as Beijing celebrate the Olympics Grand Opening, I'm running to find a paralleled significance of this momentous day
-I'm heading towards Cebu from Danao to meet Russ and Chai. Both of them are still in Mactan for a wedding when i called them.

-while waiting for them to arrive back in Cebu City, i need to talk to somebody. I dialed Julio's number and thank him for everything. i let him know that i'm grateful for him and he's a wonderful person.
-we even reminisce what we've done on 07/07/07 when now it is 08/08/08.

-keeping the tradition, went to the UP ground and join the annual "UP Cookout", able to get inside free!

-i haven't seen a lot of familiar faces

-Chai performed with her band "Balde ni Allan". Russ and I were touched when Chai recognize our presence as one of her "cheshire cats" before she sang her first song.

-we proceed to "Out Post" and jam all night.

August 09
-movie marathon at Ligtas' residence with russ' mom
-watched "Elizabeth" (Cate Blanchett)
-then get twisted with "Magnolia" (Julian Moore, Tom Cruise, et al)
-Gone to meet Russ and Chai. Went to IT park, get wasted and become professionally wrecked individuals.
-we realized: Giatay ang among kinabuhi (as of the moment)

August 10
-attend "Sugbusikat", local bands feat Balde ni Allan, Fastpitch, Urbandub and more.
-Hang out with Russ, Chai, Apiong, David and Mona at MEPZ soccer field
-listen to the rock bands as i puff my cigarette. the smoke rises and turn itself into a dark cloud, without hesitation, it crawled itself into the sky and swallowed the moon.

August 11-13
-look for a new job
-process my application, took exams and talk bull shits
-had my final interview after 5 years of waiting
-lost my wallet, (this my third time losing my wallet within this year)
-i lost my identity
-I'm totally broke and pathetic
-why is this happening to me

August 14
-went back to Danao
-take refuge from Julio's place
-had coffee at Tweet's place with Sheen (my bf's sister) and Julio.
-we watched Kung Fu Panda and learn the hidden meaning of the golden scroll

August 15
-invited for a dinner with the Soriano's family friend, my first time to attend one with my bf's family
-had some shots, sing along with a karaoke
-sing my heart out through the night

August 18
-I asked Julio to go out with me and walk along the seawall in Danao and watch the moon. He seems half listening and continue on what he's doing and i waited for him outside but he's busy with his online account. so much time passed by,So i left him. Instead of going to tne beach, i went back to Cebu city and watched the moon alone.
-I'm depress

August 19
-all alone in my room, drowned with my own thoughts, I'm dying

August 20
-went back to Danao, be with JUlio but even with him, i still feel alone
-Julio seems to be so cold towards me
-he don't kiss, the "lambing" mode is gradually fading
-he don't make love to me as what he usually did before
-for some weird reason, i feel sexually deprived and depress

August 21
-I'm a floating rubbish

August 22
-traveled back to the city
-tried to process my requirements for my new company
-gone to russ' place in Banawa and watched porn with him
-we talk about our previous "sexcapades" and all those gay stuff
-of course, we also talk about matters of the heart
-watched "Silk" (Keira Knightley...) with Chai and Russ
-i find myself crying, for it reminded me of the stupid letter that i wrote for Nikko 5 years ago.

August 23
-i had my contract signing and officially pick myself out from being unemployed
-once again, i become a glorified corporate slave. I've got nothing to feel but to be grateful, it's a privilege having a job nowadays.
-tag along with russ after each of our own unsuccessful sexual conquest
-we had coffee at Bo's and burry my nose to Murakami's "Norwegian Wood", I'm about 3/4 of my old Norwegian Wood when i lost it in this same place,. and now, to give justice with my second copy, i'll make sure to finish it here in this cafeteria.
-met Vera, after 2 decades of being assigned to Dumaguete.
-we catch up with the things that we need to talk about and we end up walking around Cebu business park smoking cigarette. it felt like the old times. past midnight

-Chai joined us afterwards. we chat around the deserted mall. Vera has this affinity towards anything about egg. she craved for century egg, boiled egg, male's scrotum 'til finally she settle for a "balut"
-Russ wasn't able to joined us, nag warlah mode intawn
-the three of us later proceed to "Alejandro's"
-warlah sad ming tanan
-gibaktas from ayala to capitol area with glee, like three little gurls excited to go to the beach.
-i walk vera home and spend some time with her---just like we used to do.

August 24
-russ showed something that I'm ought to reciprocate a "dare for a deal" in the future
-watched "Ken Park" with Chai
-then Apiong came along with a bunch of CDs---we're having movie marathon
-we watched "Girl in the CAfe"
-after midnight, i get sleepy and need to have some rest for tomorrow's training
-i went home financially, emotionally, and sexually deprived.

August 25
-my 1st day of seminar as a corporate asylum resident
-we have this usual getting to know you session, we are ask to state our name and say something about ourselves. when all of my colleagues were done with their turn, i found myself saying: "hi everyone, my name is Sophia, and i'm a ballerina"
-not a memorable day at all
-not until midnight, i got an ultimate rendezvous with a beautiful stranger
-and he happens to be a Canadian citizen. Boy next door appeal with soft fluffy hair. But i know he's not for me to keep. He talks and cuss like a pornstar
-can't wait to tell russ about it, but I'm too tired to do so
-i slept in my room with mix feeling

August 26
-Gone to Russ' place and watched "Better Luck Tomorrow"
-we found the asian guy cute (Ben Manibag)

August 27
-I'm late for work for the second time
-i got my first coaching log in three days!
-we have a native speaker for our language trainer. He's from a Filipino descent, he grew up in the states---and, he's darn hot.

August 28
-i wanna call julio---but for some weird reason i didn't.
-i miss him alot but i think he don't miss me at all.

August 29
-XO? performance night at Tapas Lounge "Purdoy"
-chai had her "theatrical poetry"
-russ have his coin operated performance art
-while i died with Sir Raymund Fernandez human sized Alpiler
-then the three of us has this impromptu performance sharing a bottle of beer 'til its last froth while Sir Munds play a jazzy rendition of "My favorite Things"
-we end the night watching "Jeux d'enfants"

August 30
-another impromptu performance for the VIVA Excon (pre-launching) at the Casa Gorordo (after the mistress of the night herself, Ms. B., convinced me)
-i dazled everyone with my contemporary ballet performance together with Sir Javy's bongo wearing my old tutu.
-naboang ko sa akong performance---sige ra kog katawa sa dihang makahinumdum ko sa akong gibuhat
-i wish i could grab pictures of my performance.
-same night, i met Leo, (yes, another Leo who happens to be a towering 5'11" and a ramp model)
-we spent the night together filling up our individual imperfections

August 31
-it's a gloomy sunday
-smoke 2 sticks, got dizzy, slept, and failed to took my dinner.
-When i woke up it's already 2am
-unable to go back to sleep. I'm hungry but all diner are already close. i got a lot of things i wanna do but due to this scenario, i just shrug with frustration. it seems my whole world is in complete paralysis.
-i wish I'm on a shore right now, so i could drown silly thoughts that keep swimming in my head.
-instead I'm trapped in my room with nothing else to do, my mind keep wandering around until depression struck me.
-i cried until dawn

08/2008

im quite nocturnal, i just find it hard to sleep

 

at night. I'm much comfortable when the sun

 

comes down, it would be less hot and the world

 

seems to be much peaceful. as much as i hate

 

being stuck in a traffic jam, i hate walking

 

along dusty road. that's why i like walking

 

alone at midnight.

 

streets are always barren and cold during

 

midnight. one time i find myself walking along

 

Talamban area puffing a cigarette. i passed

 

by...

 

....................................

 

August

 

-was a very sad month