new gathering

 

a view of anything and nothing

📷 via watchruss.buzznet.com

With Chai Fonacier

09/2020

 

09/28
im really seloso

i guess i got it from my father
was supposed to meet ice luzon
but it appears he already hooked up with someone
i hated him
to the extend i punched him in the stomach when i passed by him at the University ave

but later that night
we saw each other again and explained that he is with his ka tropa
he made out by the bushes under dim lighted moon
my anger dissipates together with my fulfilled horniness
i really like him

09/19/2020
attend my first webinar
with vina and christine
it was affective
in a way it kind of feels like attending a live actual physical symposium

it feels intimate and interactive compared to any diy video

i also felt empowered since it taught us how to be empowered and self determined.

09/13 til.one week
still hurt and felt broken

09/12/20
was hurt with saeed knowing he have to cancel our session for someone else
blocked him entirely in telegram

visiting russ @ syquia

 

first gathering for a very very looong time

 

with Chai and Mark

CoVid shenanigans 

sailing on: towards becoming an Art Teacher

This picture was taken on a trip few days after my birthday and right before the pandemic.

Looking back, the image tells so much about my current situation, foretelling the events that were about to happen.

I'm seeing myself sailing into the untamable sea, of which there are so many factors that are beyond my control. Sailing through the waters, it might get wavy, turbulent and as uncertain--- depending on the weather.

A mentor once mentioned that rather than being anxious of the things beyond us, focus instead on what we can control: mainly our response and attitude towards a circumstance. One can always perceive several things, if this is an ominous trip or an adventure, well, what I consider it to be is a journey of a lifetime.

This journey could be way beyond me but there's no going back this time. After series of self evaluation and realizations, I finally come into decision to become a teacher, to consider it as a career and not just a job, a calling. 

Getting  through this will definitely send me to a distant shore of potentials and opportunities that i might have missed and later regret if i haven't taken this journey.

As a Student Teacher, my goal is to really experience what is really to be in there, not just seeing the boat, but to be on the boat and learn how to "sail a boat". With the help of a skilled instructor (in this case, our coordinating teacher), who can guide the basics and complexities. Hopefully, as most beginners, I can shove off on my own after ample days of lessons. 

I am bracing myself with all the changes and updates,  specially during this difficult time of pandemic. I am up for the challenge and motivated with the idea that the effective teachers are those who can adapt. 

All these being said, what i'm certain about if we get through this, "together",  achievement is definitely in the palm of our hands.

08/2020

 

08/24

chocolate kiss - is now CLOSED

this hit me so hard..

that's why i usually don't watch news or scroll for any updates because i tend to be so emotional but this one didn't fail to catch my attention and so the memories flooded my mind.

although i didnt have my first kiss here but i had my first date with my first love when i moved here in qc. he was also my first heartbreak. sad to say this place also reminds me of him but i kept on coming back for the coffee, pastries and of course, the grand piano.

a haunting tune of carpenter's "close to you", it was a lonesome sunday, an empty seat in front of me where he used to sit. but now, just a date with myself.

so this place was both magical and painful. bittersweet it is. and sad to say, it is now and forever will be a memory.

adieu

*****

a memory bday letter for Cha Ferrer

do u still remember when we walked somewhere in molave and i asked you to have your eyes closed and then when you opened it, you were so startled/frightened seeing a statue of a little man which you may have thought as "di ingon ato"

our laughter is still ringing in my ears every time i remember it.

it was indeed scary but  i hope its more of a surprise (in a good way) as definitely life has so much of it. and i am glad you are embracing whatever your life is "surprising" you. i am not trying to be harsh here, but continue to get "startled", makuyawan ka sa tamang ginhawa as it just an indicator that life doesn't bore you, that it is full of wonder and it still amazes you.

just keep on wandering, keep on wondering.

sail on,
liyo

08/23
-visit my folks in pasig

08/22
-went to ayala

08/16
-solo flight for the first time
but went through a lot of meet ups specially in university ave

im not really good with bday greetings but

08/04/2020
-the entire city went back to mecq (quarintine protocols)
-there's so much sadness in the air

ayala rains

 

an echo, a stain

 

met zaeed again for our usual pnp session

we are still in a height of MECQ and can only meet up on hotels

as usual i spend the entire day and night moaning in pleasure with him

he is my ultimate pnp playmate to the extend i grew a fascination and obsession with him

chemlove as they say

i know i cannot keep him for myself

but this memory, 

this moment of infinite imagery,  

is all mine to keep

07/2020

 

07/29

-i was on self isolation
as one of our officemate test positive for covid19, we were exposed a week ako so we will be isolated for 7 days for any occurring symptoms

07/26
best outdoor fuck with ronan secondez
-beach rats

07/25
-yoga with rain thunder
-watched felt like love

07/24
-host as liya Michelle

07/06-08/2020
-i was reprimanded by the senior hotel officer as i brought someone over and that i am about to sent home as i broke the rule, i told him that i did it out of kindness, as my companion has nowhere to stay for the night and due to curfew hours, there are no public vehicles
-my days were mostly boring and the usual in the hotel

07/05/2020
-encounter another guy from bicol in  univ ave, after talking with him, he brought near the river and had sex with him, it was funny since a fork lifter blast a light and might have seen us fucking by the grasslands
-later that night went to maginhawa and was invited over, greeted by someone who looks like the grown up version of the curly kid in stranger things. once i arrived the place, was surprised to find out there are several guests and they are having a drinking session, joined them and had a great time.
-spent the night with the stranger things looking guy

07/01-04/2020
-staying in a hotel might be exciting for few days, but as the days passed by, i felt like scarlet johanson in lost in translation

06/30/2020
-visited my folks in pasig. it's been such a long time since i saw them, great to see them and have moments with my mama and papa
-had coffee with papa and he narrated his experience in old manila where he's able to witness the kindness and harshness of life during the ECQ

...

 

 

sunrise in the midst of CoVid

 

@microtel UPTechnoHub

06/2020

 

06/28/2020
-moved to microtel
-i will be staying in this hotel for a month
-i have a good view of the inner garden with a lone acacia tree that reminds me of murakami's green little monster

06/27/2020
-woke up late, all diners are now closed.
-good thing I have some apple and mango
-coffee and raindrops

- enjoying the rain in my room as tomorrow I will be working in a hotel for a month
-at least a new environment
-will still do walking around up campus since it's just nearby and I have q. pass.

06/21-26/2020
- I felt like my days were slipping by just watching YouTube and strike random conversations in my group chats in telegram, group mates in

- I need to go back to silence again.

06/16-20/2020
-blogging and writing become stale usually once I'm pre occupied with a new gadget and bombarding my fb and Twitter with posts
... Now consumed with social media.. There's a need for social. Media detox

06/15/2020
-watched portrait of Lady on fire. It's one of the best lgbt movies I've seen so far. If last year is "call me by your name"
Then my vote goes for portrait and then the Spanish gay film: end of the century

06/14/2020
-I miss this kind of mess
-it made me go for a restart

06/13/2020
-finally my order arrived
met zaeed after more than a year
had steamy hot pnp session with him for almost 24 hours

06/12/2020
long weekend planned something to do
set up pnp session with Zaeed

had a hard time dealing with the s*, communicated with them for 24 hours. Grrr

06/10/2020
- finished my final papers and now the semestral break is here, I'm still stuck in quarantine. I miss having that way over the top excitement for an out of town experience.

06/09/2020
I am still confused between mark and ryan

06/08/2020
seen ryan via viber video cal
and he's disarmingly handsome

06/07/2020
met mark tan once again

06/06/2020
finally able to buy a new smartphone

06/05/2020
oral sex under the moonlight

06/01/2020
-rewatched Miyazake's borrower arriety
-today feels a certain excitement
--but ass still hurts from mark Anthony's fuck
-and my heart still recovers from the fleeting feeling, but it got used to it. so just my anus, it will just heal in no time
-thinking about mark as the stray cat, he is not the one to keep yet, as he appears to be spotted, not the pure black that I keep as an ultimate sign

sailing on

 

@ UP Diliman Cathedral

...

 

 

...

 

my twin sister

 

joining the faceapp bandwagon

to investigate

05/2020

05/01/2020

-labor day, and im here working inside my room -double pay, it is -first time I spent my 1st 30 minute break by taking a bath =) usually, I fix myself a brewed coffee and then walk around the UP techno hub lagoon and feed the ducks (I greatly miss them, especially the silly all-white couple, my favorite pair)

05/02/2020 -first time in a long time I felt the weekend is a weekend since the ECQ was implemented, I felt every day is a weekend for almost 2 months ^_^ -done my grocery, splurge as I still can't get a new phone, my saving is diminishing, dammit -gosh I haven't had alcohol for running 2 months now, divert my cravings with the neighborhoods halo2x and milk tea -to have that awesome high and carefree feeling fixed, i usually prepare myself with my personal panglasa customized mocha 

3 chunks of cacao, 

2 tspn of UCC classic coffee 

1 tspn coco sugar

1 tspn coconut oil 

sprinkle of cinnamon

tidbits of dried red chilli 

pinch of salt 

optional if available

 *hot water with sencha greentea and Benguet coffee beans 

 listen to spotify or watch youtube concert, turn the volume to the maximum, there instant long-lasting good vibes..

05/03/2020

-watched this short film Arjanmar H. Rebeta

PALABAS (2018) and a full-length film by Mikhael Red, Neomanila, both tackles about extrajudicial killings and I was struck with its rawness and violence,

slept with nightmares

05/05/2020

-way too hot, I even take a bath within my shift, 

on my 1st and 2nd break.

-closing my eyes as I take dippers of water, I always imagine im floating on cold spring or diving into a deep blue sea

05/08/2020

-sunset

-flores de mayo---all flower capable plants flaunt their petals

-walking under flowering trees

-it's like a honeymoon with myself

05/09/2020

-finally, it starts raining

sleep all day

got dreams after dreams..

one time I dream about attending a class with chai

inside my room, with a teacher using my cabinet walls as the blackboard

walls are as dilapidated as it could get

-done vinyasa yoga via youtube, it brings me back to my yoga classes in the mountains of busay

mental stillness and breathing journey.

05/10/2020

-watched Mater de la Rosa, a  mother's day special tribute by cinema1

I cried with gina alajar's subluminal yet superb performance

was impressed by it and thought it could gather positive responses from cannes

-if I were a mom, I could have been as badass as her (mater de la rosa)

-I miss a very good black coffee (toby's estate level), so I fix myself two scoops of UCC coffee to compensate and had Kelsey lu play her cello via youtube

05/11/2020

-I found this garden of chia near the UP college of kinetics, 

we fondly call it santo papa way back childhood days and I have gathered ripe fruits every time I pass by to jog

05/13/2020

-officially two months since the gov’t imposes community quarantine

-60 days of no commuting, no pollution, not stuck in a traffic

-my nostrils are getting primitively sensitive that i can even detect/smell someone's deo a few meters away.. lol

***

I felt expansive after watching this tedtalk session

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lo0X2ZdElQ4

it talks about cosmic consciousness

so I thought this is new to me, but to my surprise, in the past, I was in a sense, tapped into it, 

(in the word: cosmic)

https://hotmug.blogspot.com/search?q=cosmic

it seems that I am getting back to my orbit--- in accordance to my universal truth.

05/15/2020

-rewatched Sophia Coppola's "lost in translation"

05/16/2020

-rewatched Woody Allen's "Vicky Christina Barcelona"

-its one of my all-time favourites and this has somehow influenced me a lot 

especially for the love of Gaudi and Catalan guitar music, 

this movie inspired me that if I will be heading to the west, it has to be in Spain

05/19/2020
-saw and talked with an old flame yesterday, while im just doing my morning walk sa academic oval. aside from the fact that he is currently in a relationship, wala na talagang spark at wala na akong nararamdaman sa kanya, di talaga kami meant, but grabe yung influence nya sakin..

nakaka miss ma in love at masaktan ulit.. 

im not specifically a masochist but i love the feeling of being hurt as much as the feeling of being loved. mas nagiging motivated ako kapag broken hearted---i become more productive, a risk taker.. when broken, i feel more driven & alive

05/22/2020

-watched this short film about sea turtles

and sea turtles remind me of moalboal and bataan

and bataan, makes me remember an ultimate guy I first met in a bathhouse,

whos into diy fitness, he taught me the Spiderman push up to have that ripped side abs

I remember when I went to bataan with allan, he happens to be nearby and he invited me over to their place his folks were out and he showed me around his place where I can see their family photos and photos of his siblings (graduation photo ina  toga) wood laminated

on the walls. 

he is still fat in the photo but he looks disarmingly handsome and fit that time we met. we make out in his room and I can still remember how he used surgical/medical gloves to finger me, weird, I dunno if it's his fantasy or was it just for sanitary but he was into my asshole and we had great sex. 

I can still remember he has the pinkish red nipples and his dick is somewhat creamy pink, he served some carbonara or something like a creamy pasta (a leftover from yesterdays' family celebration) we had a great talk.. Its one of those moments u wish it could go on forever but u know it's just a weekend fuck and I have to go back to manila, back to my reality.

05/23/2020

-had a lengthy conversation with an officemate who seek love advice.

listening to his story, made me remember what I had with francis monfort, whom I was head over heels in love with

but I was losing my myself so I have to give him up to keep my identity

that time, although I got some regrets, I realized I love myself more.

05/25/2020

-gave chai and her partner, mark, a surprise visit

-after 2 months of quarantine life, I was so thrilled to travel a bit far

-had a long walk up to the elliptical road

and then rode a habal habal  heading to fishermall

it was exhilarating being in the highway again

-edsa, q.ave and timog was like a semi post-apocalyptical scene

- was anxious that I am not able to meet her as the number I had with her was an old one

and the voice prompt keeps on saying, the person cannot be reached, please try again later, but it was perfect timing when the guard who's about to change shift with the newly arrived one, was able to personally climb up to 11th floor just to wake them up that I have 

-meeting chai and having a lengthy animated talk over breakfast 

was a needed normalcy

05/26-27/2020

-im not sure if it's because of my favorite cacao concoction as I had a random chat in planet romeo and met these two guys both from bicol

-first is mark anthony, from catanduanes, he's 32, muscled guy and for me, he has this hot young daddy looks

-2nd, I don't know his name yet but we really had a great convo and he is very articulate and decent, he happens to work as an insurance licensed agent and into real estate. he also putting up a cottage/restaurant business in bicol, he is currently residing along Loyola heights, we are both into movies and exchange flirty/romantic phrases until we end up calling each other "babe" that night. wow, I know, it was fast. message him the day after and asked if he's available this weekend for a meetup, but he said he's not ready yet as he feel he's fat and will meet me once he's confident with his body. I said im fine with it and he is adorably handsome and he's my type, so I don't care if he's fat, but he persists not to meet me.

-I really felt kilig but I am torn between the two of them.

05/28/2020

-met mark anthony in person for the first time

-first I thought he wasn't serious but he called me early in the morning

-toured him around UP campus, we started having breakfast at rodics (nearby Bahay ng alumni) then let him see the oblation and marvel the fire tree blooms)

then we had a quick break in my favorite spot, right across CFA where there's this unfinished foundation for a building right below mango trees. I caught myself looking at him and swooned with his good looks, I said "ang gwapo mo, sarap mo sana i.kiss" it was kinda tense since the main checkpoints with guards is in sight and there are motorists passing by once in a while. but one magical moment, we kiss and gosh, I never felt that kind of kilig for a very long time.

-he had a hard on, I tap on his dick and he doesn't wear a brief

-we end up at wittea and had some milktea, where we talk some more while he's having a smoke
-while we walk, lapitin sya ng mga stray cats, even fed them with his extra food from rodics. i told him that i am considering having a cat as a pet, but i don't want to buy one, i want a new kitten just bumped itself into me and want me to bring it home, and the ultimate sign it is the right one if it's pure back. I will name it: Gigi, inspired with Miyakazi's Kiki's delivery service

-I walk him the ylanan gate and he keeps on toying my butt, while I toyed on his hard rock cock

-I wish I can suck and getting fucked by him right there and then but we are nearing the gate and guards are already on sight.

-got this feeling of being smitten.

-he texted me he enjoyed our time even though how hot is and I txted him back that I had a great time as well and added "nabitin ako, sana next time all the way na.. ahaha"

05/29/2020

-woke up drenched in sweat, realized we got power outage as the caretaker of our bhaws was caught by Meralco having jumper

-had breakfast with jerwin (my housemate) and show him the chia plantation and we talk about work, the pandemic, and our landlady

-mark txted me again asking what i'm doing. since we don't have electricity and it's rainy, invite him over for a drink

-it was my first beer/liquor after ecq was declared, that was almost 3 months of no alcohol

-I got the buzz as my alcohol tolerance got low

-mark talk more about himself, about his work abroad and his 3 months stay in brazil, I was mesmerized by his life story

-he's also into arts and do acrylic paintings (he showed me pictures of it and most of them are  landscape paintings)

-then the moment when we got cozy to each other and had torrid kissing (gosh even writing this and reminiscing about it makes me horny)

he really has huge biceps with arm tattoo and I can't help caressing his armpits

-until he finally laid down and let me suck his dick and his balls

-we are both kinda drunk but he is rock hard and had a great romance in bed

-wildly he penetrated me, darn, he's a GOOD fucker

-really good that my asshole got beaten raw and I let him come inside me

-looking at his handsome face, I kissed him and have our sweaty bodies bound in a moist embrace

-I miss this romantic steamy lovemaking, something I lack all these years

05/30/2020

-mark texted me about he's phone got busted

and he asks if I got extra..

???
-i understand that being locked down means he is stranded from going back to work
but the more i analyze it,
the more he appears to be a "user"

and I apparently, i am the one whos not willing to be "used"
-my mind keeps on debating whether or not i should trust him and blame the ongoing pandemic for such fuckup and desperate time

-until my mind went blank
-then my mind goes from:

...blankness to the bleakness

.....until it went to complete bleakness

05/31/2020

-listened to lykke li's 

"I never learn"

again and again

the whole day

About Time: Fashion and Duration (Extended Exhibition Preview) | Met Fas...

my first read, on the works' of Virginia Woolf, was in high school. flowing through her stream of consciousness always leaves me in an absolute sense of meditative kind of "stoked"---it's exhilarating but at the same time: it's calming.

in this video, with other artists presented, such pure joy rereading snippets of Woolf's writing alongside the works of Yohji Yamamoto and Rei Kawakubo.

it is a wonderful tandem since fashion is a tangible form of poetry.

#CultureIsNotCancelled

#TheMet

mamu

my mother always have this infinite patience and overflowing good vibes. It will take me a lot of mind conditioning and chunks of cacao to attain her level. I always presume that as my mother's child, I should have her genes and at the very least, be like her in character.

upon further realization, I guess my mom had been through a lot to have those best traits sifted. All through the years she choose to be patient and takes joy in any circumstances --- as through the most challenging parts of our lives, one can see the very best of ourselves.

i remember her one time, I was crying my heart out as the ultimate love of my life just turned me down, and she just laughed at me. I was angry at her at the moment cause I thought I can be full drama with her and was expecting her empathy, but she taught me with a very basic yet foundational lesson ( i felt as if I were a grade schooler learning my ABCs for the first time), that we shouldn't waste our tears with men who don't love us that much.

that hit me so hard that even the likes of john lloyd won't knock me down. lol

kidding aside, we love you Ma, and Happy Mother's day to all! 🥰

04/2020

04/30/2020
-ended my month as plain as it could get

04/29/2020
-having my usual early morning walk around UP campus and realized its actually a huge orchard,
without the crowd and roving security personnel, I consume the guavas and mangoes as much as I can (as there so much, some are even just getting rotten on the ground)
and even sent some to my brother's at pasig via lalamove. Another deviation from the biology rule: there's no such thing as a free lunch.

04/28/2020
-reread murakami's
on seeing the 100% girl one april morning
green little monster
birthday girl

04/27/2020
-I am now officially working at home as devices was sent to my boarding house
-gone are the heydays of just doing what i wanna do inside my room all the way
-slowly getting back to the other side of reality

04/26/2020
-my mother asked me how I am doing, said with utter honesty,
"hapsay ug malinawon"
-never felt this peace for a long time

04/25/2020
-watched "im drunk, I love you" avelino and Salvador, it reminds me of my UP unconsummated love stories:
*Nikko for 5 years - UP Masscom (very Dio and Carson altho carsson had a thing for Dio for 7 years) but gosh it feels like a lifetime.
*Francis Monfort - although he is from ateneo but took law in UP, wonderful experiences with him, UP cine adarna, chocolate kiss, society lounge and greenhills tea house
*Cinema guy from Laguna, UP Film (I forgot his name, he is together my lost contacts in my lost phone)) I thought he is my next bf, he is the one who pushed me to move back from Cebu to manila (after Im about to give up UPDil)

04/24/2016
partly due to thinking about the news and a lot of other things while jogging earlier, my bandana mask gets from my nose into my eyes as i can't help but cry.. i can't hold it any longer..

and gosh, hagulhul makes u feel better.
crying is indeed therapeutic.


04/22/2020

-ang lakas ng ulan, the strongest i can remember in my lifetime
-ligo sa ulan and just be drenched with serenity
-mild yoga while it's partly sunny/drizzly at the very heart of up lagoon
-lie down at the edge of the islet garden and breathe almost at the level of the waterlilies and the frogs =)
-what an awesome celebration for #earthday
-dear nature, thank u for "blissing" me

#simplejoys

04/16/2020
-watched Crosscurrent
it reminds me of Gerald, he is still one of the Love of my life,
its quite sad our relationship was short lived.


04-14-2020
-early morning jog, yoga, and working out inside my room,
I felt like I will be so damn sexy after the lockdown
-watched "In the mood for love"


04/13/2020
-ECQ was extended until the 30th (as what I expected since last week reading from Salcedo's advice)
-I felt I am trained for this, complete isolation and total silence has always been my close friends, I hope Im not harsh on this but what usually makes other people crazy makes me feel more sane, not a new norm for me at all.

04/12/2020
-so it's now easter, a mobile (social distancing approved) procession go around UP campus
-I couldn't help but reminisce of the galera days, as we usually head on south for the beach, parteey and the sultry rendezvous with the summer boys.
in the past 30 days, the voices inside my head is now louder than the voice coming out from my mouth ^_^

#30thday
#ECQ
#Isolation


04/10/2020
-I can no longer tell the difference between weekdays and weekends, its all just the same
-was announced I am excluded working in the office with hotel accommodation since I was exposed to the public, really? oh well, im still paid for the whole duration so no hard feelings, its just that the whole idea of me in the hotel surrounded with possibilities of meeting cute boys just crumbled to shit--wtf?!
-its really up to me now to keep the excitement going. without the thrill of going out in the club and no alcohol at hand, im in the mercy of my homemade concoction: cacao and coffee (with chili, coconut sugar, pinch of salt and sprinkle of cinnamon)---that's the only luxury I have these days.


04/09/2020
-welcomed my birthday with the most banal and mundane thing:
doing laundry
(just for me to go out and watched the full moon which looks like a luminous cake in the midnight sky)
made a wish:
that I will spend a life with someone
(inspired from Naoko's line to Jiro: I want to have a life with you)

-saw a 20 peso bill along the road coming home from breakfast, a single gift from the universe

-woke up with dream about seing Bjork perform live. (details.. notebook)
-finally met bhon once again and had great sex with him, I thought It would take more than 30 days before I will have sex again, but ghed, he never knew he was my bday sex. god really knows what keeps me kicking even in the midst of quarantine.

04/08/2020
-an offer from my boss for me to work (in the midst of enhance quarantine) given that I will be accommodated in the nearest hotel in our office (microtel technohub)
-with free food, allowance and all.. was advised to packed my things up
-I was excited with the thought as working on my bday is not that bad at all (the birthday girl - Murakami)
-sleepless and ecstatic, but later, it was postponed for next week
-read through @datudino's tweet and then to my own twitter and gone through my previous years
-struck midnight by having a cup of ceremonial cacao and watched bjorks' anchor song

04/07/2020
-watched "the wind arises"
-this thought from the film (miyazaki) is hovering on my mind:
q: which world do wish to live in?
a: with the pyramids
analogy: pyramids = dream = curse

04/06/2020
-watched the NHK 4 episode documentary of Hayao Miyazaki
and these two quotes were etched in my mind:

"Most important things n life are a hassle.. If life's hassles disappeared, you'd want them back"
"People must live their lives fully, with all their might. Within their given boundaries, in their own era. Live as fully as possible, that's all we can do"

04/02-03/2020
-watched Kingdom (from season 1-2) non stop

04-01/2020
-finally finished Viktor Frankl's search for meaning

Vibing

I had this phone way back aldub era pa.. 3 smartphones passed but this one remains.
ewan, bakit kaya ganun, yung mumurahin at sobrang basic yun pa ang kusang nananatili. ^_^

Back to basic it is. No data capability, no access to grindr, no time for flirting and fleeting connections.. as if Minnie Driver's serenading me with advice, "Learn To Be Lonely"



Vibing, harmonizing in agreement, we sing this note together with proper modulation at the end:

"..life can be lived life can be loved alone"

Haruki Murakami |1Q84

A Philosophical Book Review 

By Liyo Denorte

*

“How sure are we of what we know?”.. This is a never ending question that keeps on swimming on my mind.  

I want to start with the striking scene with two moons: Where reality seems to be obscured by what we know and what we really know.

The novel has three volumes with the two main characters: 

AOMAME, a fitness trainer and at the same time, an assassin. Her entrance on this novel is when she’s inside a cab heading for an appointment. While listening to Leoš Janáček’s Sinfonietta, she reads a newspaper clip which reveals to her that slowly, the things around her seem not what it seems to be as if reality itself is disorienting.  Even if she tried connecting the facts she read and her memories, there seems to be unsettling. One cannot determine if the newspaper clip was incorrect or it is her memory which is flawed.

At that very moment, the reader will immerse oneself to the world of uncertainties and parallelism. Of which reality cannot be gauged by one’s memory or the factual findings that an official publication can bring, so as the collective memory of people around you as their version of reality might be flawed as well with biases and false knowledge.

Then here’s TENGO, a math tutor and a part time writer. Being a tutor pays his bills but his passion is really to become a writer. However opportunity is not in his favor up until a project to rewrite a crude novel set his passion ablaze. But the thing is, it is still not his idea, not his concept and definitely not his story. He is just very good technically in writing, but writing a “story” of his own, it is clear that he still lacksluster. What went into the rest of the novel is how he was able to trace what causes his writer’s block and what he needs to do to diminish these obstacles. 

Both went into a series of inexplicable things to decipher what are their “realities” that eventually shed light into their path towards the ultimate “truth”.

**

In this book, Murakami put his reader in a spell wherein one could be put in a confusion and at the same time clarity that things that are happening sometimes were not what they appear to be. Situations like “Why do we feel at loss?” and so “isolated” is just the tip of the iceberg. The choice of being alone, unmarried, to kill someone in the name of justice and other things that drives us to do things were deeply seated from our childhood memories and how we are brought up with ideas and morality. It could come from the pain that is caused by people who are close to us. It could be our parents, caregivers, relatives, childhood best friends, a lover and so on.

Murakami was very clear on how he made both Tengo and Aomame, too damaged by their abusive pasts, that leads them to have difficulty to love another person, this can be seen in their repeated failures from the age of ten. They have a hard time to reach out and build a relationship with each other or with anyone else. 

One good thing about this novel is that it has a redeeming point wherein they have healed from their traumas when they finally able to practice, if not able to completely achieve, “how to love”  and attain creativity, Aomame as a mother who is able to give birth to a child and Tengo as a legit novelist.

***

Murakami for me is such a philosophical writer, who depicts mostly how it is to live in this era. He was able to capture the “zeitgeist” and let us wonder how it is to become a human being nowadays. With it, we become aware of who we are and what we are capable of.


Philosophy, is an old discipline, of which you could talk about the meaning of life. Here Murakami put his reader into a series of reflection, while practicing the skills of critical thinking. We become fully aware of ourselves --- constantly full of wonder and ever questioning the existence of things.

There are sections in the 3 volumes of this novel that present so many conflicts and Murakami sets his character on how  to think about solutions. Aomame and Tengo were set to question, asking oneself: “Is there more to life than this?”.  They wish to investigate and acknowledge that there is an end for feeling like a driftwood and constantly floating to nothingness, that we, in fact, are anchored to our consciousness. One sample is that they have asked the question, “How can I determine what is real and what is NOT real?”. When Aomame tried to compare the news article that she read to the collective memories she asked from other people compared to her memory. Of which she even wonders if her memory can be "trusted".

In this novel, Murakami uses critical thinking of his characters to find the logic of the seemingly weird happenings around them. In logic, one can find sense on what's going on even how absurd it can get. The author uses this kind of technique in order to support his main argument of “How weird the world and our existence can get” even in the presence of two moons and small people coming out from a dead goat’s mouth. But as a reader, you become convinced that this is real and not just a thwarted person’s mind. In addition, Murakmi gives insight of the nature of human beings, of society and how we perceive morality.

****

I can consider these points as valid even if this cannot be factual, well aside from the fact that this is a major work of fiction, but Murakami has a good way of discerning the fundamentals of life.  Of which his characters and together with his readers, reflect on our past and how we have become.  

In this novel, one can learn between LEGAL goodness vs MORAL goodness. Case in point: when the dowager assigned Aomame, who is now an assassin to kill the men who make women suffer, the novel explicitly makes it justifiable to end the lives of the few in order to preserve the lives of the many. Especially with women who suffer a great deal of psychological damage that they end up killing themselves.

The author teaches us the foundation of how it is to be human. Murakami was able to present humans at its very core just like he presents  the trees with its parts, the roots, the branches, the leaves and how things hang together as a big picture.

Murakami also manages to encourage his readers on this novel to reflect about life. While planting questions in our head like  what’s our stand or opinions about ethics and morality.  

*****

As per Gottlab Frege: Sense and reference, as mentioned, reference of a word is the object or concept that it’s meant to designate. Words tie us on the concept while sense of a word is the way in which the words tie us to the object of concept. Whatever meets the conditions for both necessity and sufficiency. This was supported through necessary conditions.

But Murakami uses sufficient conditions instead where something that's enough for “x” to be “x”, but it’s not required for those things to meet that definition. 

Example: The author uses a certain language that involves metaphysics - space and time, while questioning the concept of justice. “Was there a God?”. Who makes things “equal” or can we play ourselves as gods and make things equal. 

Murakami set some arguments specially about malice and morals. In which epistemology plays its role on why do we believe? In a way we go through  investigation of what distinguishes justified belief from opinion by presenting validity of axiological ethics.

******

There are several unsettling personas in these two main characters that makes them a good blend for a disconnected reality. Of which it's up to them to make their own reality. I like it when we can just build our own reality. We don’t have to depend on the world how it presents us, with logic and facts. But in fact it’s all up to us how we perceive it and what  we can come up with it. 

In addition these significant plots definitely have it’s own philosophical implications:

• Aomame’s inability to love or trust anyone, thus he keeps on hurting anyone near her and excuses herself just to be alone for most of her life as fears of being rejected and hurt further.

• Tengo’s hatred about his father, Oedipus complex, having sexual fantasy about his own mother making love with a stranger.

• Aomame’s best friend, Ayumi - Justifies why she was so promiscuous due to stress and  as a result of her boyfriend’s betrayal.

• Dowager’s mission to kill suspecting “abusers' '. Motivated from the death of her daughter, as being physically and mentally abused ---  thus committed suicide to end her suffering. The Dowager then  brings justice in her own hands.

• Sakigake, a religious cult, believe that their ultimate superior is assigned for a sex ritual where he can defile most of the young women (has to be  virgin) in order for him to spread the “good seed” without being persecuted as rapist or molester.

*Case in point: Midsommar (film) 2019 folk horror film written and directed by Ari Aster : Why cults and communes have certain beliefs that are strange to many but it’s okay with them.

 So at first, it is very hard to simply embrace the nature of these people, however through wondering, the author quenches our curiosity by providing us reasons and revelations of their past lives, thus the novel able to synthesize information.  As Plato said “Philosophy starts with wonder”.  We cannot just rely on the answers that we already have but  with the never ending questions we encounter. We have to ask the next questions as it will expand our insights. What we need is to explore and discover new knowledge. With new knowledge, there comes better understanding and we become a better human being.

Let me also quote Bertrand Russell’s words in The Problems of Philosophy, CHAPTER XV

 THE VALUE OF PHILOSOPHY:

“diminishing our feeling of certainty as to what things are, it greatly increases our

knowledge as to what they may be; it removes the somewhat arrogant dogmatism of

those who have never traveled into the region of liberating doubt, and it keeps alive our

sense of wonder by showing familiar things in an unfamiliar aspect.”

*******

This book entangled me with a series of reflections and thus I was able to attain a sort of symmetry of soul and mind combined, an ultimate consciousness from the things which are mundane and banal. That you don’t have to go through extraordinary things in your life to attain a higher level of meaning. But by simply understanding and knowing one’s self --- by going through thorough questioning of things around you can somehow fulfills or quench that ever yearning of finding meaning of our existence. 

Haruki Murakami is not everybody’s cup of tea. One might find his works as dragging, too absurd, too detached from reality. But in each plot and characters have commonalities with other books that give this Novel a “universal” quality. I remember Ludwig Wittgenstein’s concept of Family Resemblance, as we piece together what’s common between them, the idea of Cluster Concept, so I can assure that this book still have the power to convey things or concepts that are very relatable and significant with our day to day lives.

utopia(an)

 

#emotionallyoverwhelmed

 

..and just like that, i cried myself, unintentionally.

#camotes

 

What makes sense and when?