06/2023

06/30

-nothing much, just simply do nothing. i don't feel anything special lately. 

this video make me realize about happiness tho:

https://youtu.be/GF-xvBXgqa4

06/29

-sang hello dolly and remember how me and my father used to sang it together.

might sing it at russ' together with amy winhouse our day will come and angelina Jordan's cry me a river

-re read/listen to audio book hardboiled wonderland and the the end of the world. and struck with these lines:

"..tuning in on details, on the minute details of the world. snails and the sound of the rain and hardware store displays, things like that.."

06/28

-i felt a tingling sensation in my spine when me and my mother talk about my father's bouts of mental issues specially when he turn from dr jeckel to mr hyde. with such strangeness, my mother recount her conversation with my deceased grandma, the late mother of my father...when my grandma said, my father was tormented (gi daut) by his 

previous lovers (some of them might have cursed him as he hurt them badly, even died in vain.. may God bless their souls.. )

-watched the restored version of himala with mamu. we marvel nora aunor's acting and how cringy the mystery of faith and beliefs..

06/27

-accompanied my mother in 

pasig since kuya carlo, jess and avy went out of town for the holidays. she is suffering frm allergies and hopefully with my 

presence she will be fine.

06/26

-was the huddle in charge and had an activity about perspective. optical illusion. had fun on doing it and was all smiles whole day and had a wonderful time walk around the technohub garden

-visited carri and Jerome's team at building b, i missed our bonding at Zambales 

06/25

-just had a boring Sunday and simply slow down. went for crusing but it wasn't worth mentioning. enjoyed a sizzling

pork chop near maginhawa

-watched an episode of la casa de papel to improve my Spanish vocab

06/24

-had a great time at qc memorial for my first pride in the Philippines. my first pride was in taiwan. the drag queens, the party, the empowerment, it sent spark within me that i can carry it all through out

-was suppose to attend the

 elephant party at timog but it was packed. i love how my co denied walk in guests as they exclaimed: yes! magugulat mama ko na umuwi ako maaga! such a way to humor such dark disposition.

went to rapture instead and just got stoned and enjoy the music kaso it was so hot and i cannot fully dance. might as well sleep 

06/23

-had a conversation with russ over messenger. i tried inviting him over for the pride event i. q.memorial but hes heading to malabon tonight. we talk about our recent bjork exchanges also told russ about ricardo lopez as how intense his adoration with bjork however the intention was not that pure. i also share my plans in going to spain and he wish me best of luck.

 he mention how her songs meant different way in a different time. we also talk her most recent speach at a university in Iceland. Russ told me about how monks passes their wisdom orally. sent my appreciation and im so glad we have each other who we can talk about things with such declaration! we end with all laughs.

06/20-22

-went through bjork's old live 

performances and at this time it was her post-homegenic resonates me. realized that this is the time when bjork is so thrilled of sharing her full potential.

-thought of chai and russ. still wondering if only they are ok then i shouldn't be suffering frm being caught in between. i figured out that's why i dont visit neither of them due to that conflict 😅

-just get lost with my thoughts on

06/19

-went claire's resto: Sol's kitchen and had fun times with claire, justin, sam and the bday boy cese.. sang limang dipang tao for the first time 

06/18

-swam early morning, saw the sunrise by the lagoon.. still a beautiful scenery.

-able to climb the mountain trail at anawangin cove. 

-there is this a certain tree that i hugged for some time, as i havent seen her for a very long time.

-done my usual yoga at the very peak of that mountain, making sure to have my focus as a little imbalance can send me off to the cliff'

-exhausted from the trip slept whole night 

06/17

-went to Zambales with carri, jerwin, jerome and his team

-met a triathlete hunk by the beach, we end up having cr fun. he looks like derek ramsy gosh.

06/16

-met brent , 5'10 23yr old baby face with a body of a man. amazing physique. had sex with him and gave him. a massage after. watched him sleep beside me. he have the most beautiful armpit ive seen. cant help but take pictures of it. (ref: brent1 and brent 2)

06/12

-felt recharged. 

06/11

-dedicated my whole weekend just inside my bedroom. allowing myself to simply do nothing, allowing myself to get bored and try to replenish my excitement/happy hormones 

-puffed some with russ' stash while watching princess mononoke. what a marvelous way to get transported to wonderful world of studio ghibli

06/10

-i reread my previous miniscule entries and this is what i needed at the moment, come face to face with sadness, look at it once again clearly as it is, i burst on crying at day 19:

 https://hotmug.blogspot.com/2008/09/august.html

-had my customized cacaocoffee and with such

 perfect moment, i bathe in the rain.

  

06/08-09

-these days, i just want to be bored and sad. yes, u get me right. i just felt i need it since i am always preoccupied and always happy.. i felt i have overused all my feel good energy and hormones so i need to recharge it or atleast attain a certain balance

-at this point in time i had nurture good interaction with my colleagues at work and really having a great time with them. getting busy at the side by learning spanish and even watch this film: Regressiva

-i also miss writing a proper blog as all do recently is just recounting my days, very formalist rather than a heavy mixture of analytical with heavy doses of emotional and psychological.. i am loosing that sense of abstract, that certain blend of dark swirls of 

nothingness and oneness. im loosing it to the extend i have no proper reflection of it and might have lose it entirely, but i know its still clinging somewhere.. with all the modern day distractions,

maybe i m need to try with all my might to simply sit with it and come face to face with it.

06/07

-felt overwhelmed today. its raining hard and got solace from the drenched birds taking refuge from our roof. and here i am, super anxious of my work, of my finances and future endeavors. i am also too worried as trying to make ends meet then i saw this homeless guy feeding on what appears to be restaurant excess. i felt i have no right to complain there are always others who have much worse sitiuation than i am.

06/04

-still having hangover with

 jap as i think about him first thing when i woke up..

-heading to russ' place to celebrate jay-r's bday.. let's see what's in store for us tonight 

-itv

06/03

-mark abargos invited me over at obar and had a great time. way better than at rapture with mondia.. i mean it was just the two of us (mark and i) and no other strangers who have other personal motives. so it was pure fun although mark is mending a broken heart and i hope me as a companion and listener able to provide him some sort of relief.. 

-met jap, half ilonggo and 

kapangpangan in obar. was kinda drunk already and being with him made me kilig.. had breakfast with him and had morning takk with him. super kilig when i kissed him before saying goodbye.. hope to see him again 

06/02

-enjoyed my time at work as i learn spanish lessons both from duolingo and Spotify podcast.. its way easier

compared to japanese. as Eunice told me, its better to take spanish lesson at Instituto Cervantes as they are directly connected to spanish embassy so i might enroll there rather than in UP European languages since the latter have limited slots 

06/01

-felt inspired by Eunice as i talked to her about teaching in baguio and she is heading to spain as a teacher as well. that gave me encouragement to venture overseas as i felt ready this time.

05/2023

05/31

-this one inspired me a lot today:

https://youtu.be/dK2km_x9-as

as i thread along wrong turns, there is hope finding the right

path for myself.

05/30

-watched the animated film, the little prince at upfi.

it's one of those moments i didnt regret waking up early.. it's a long since overdue but it hits so hard as its this time when i am being swallowed by the corporate world and i have to remind myself and not to forget. i cried so hard and left me being hopeful..

-an old acquaintance saw me. the tranny at the end corner of our street. she said i look morena.. i was about to tell her the adage black is beautiful but too much black is charcoal. but my head is shuffling. as it calculated this statement instead:

being dark is beautiful

but too dark, is a nightmare

i end up saying nothing and just smiled at her.. 😁

.05/29

-continue with my senspai is annoying marathon. i first started with the manga version and fell in love again with the world of illustration. beautiful imagery and that ticklish feeling of having a crush. takada senpai is such my type 🤭

-bonding with mondia, a way to make bawi with him last weekend since i felt i was so mean to him (i told him hypocrite and let him know his friends as bulok) ahaha but i did not apologized to him because it is what it is.

05/28

-woke up with slight hang over. went to chowking for breakfast but they did not follow my request to have an extra milk. took the halo2x spoon to compensate for it. 

-went to kuya's place and bond with mamu and and family.. used my podium points to buy groceries and skincare for my mother.. then watched 

polite society with my sister in law and kulitan with my nephew, baby avyyy....

-family day, it is

05/27

-went to rapture with john mondia.. its been a while since i partied in cubao. was super drunk and somewhat enjoyed the night minus the too much crowd and not so good music. kind of irritated when john mondia's friend insist on going to timog. walked out and headed back to cubao but my long term crush msge so i went to shaw. only to find him so haggard and doesn't appear at par with his pics.. the night is more of 

dissapointments than fun but not all weekends are that great. it was a weekend afterall

05/26

-walking home from work while continue re-visiting veruscka's blog. a needed encapsulation of that certain feeling that once there and always be there. 

-its starting to leaf through rainy reason again and i can feel the cold damp breeze on my face. fire trees bloom against dark clouds. dark damp poignancy, ignited..

05/25

-watched ammonite. certain unearthed within me and unlocked. such a wonderful back to back movie for the world to come. although this is less powerful but kate and soarcee's performance was such a treat

05/24

-performed for our opening salvo while claire sung "ako ay isang serena". a farewell to summer and prelude to the lgbt month. 

-hosted our town hall meeting

-fun night at work

05/23

-watched the world to come and it hits a certain spot and i wailed all day long.

05/22

-went to russ' place to make up from yesterdays even though i haven't slept yet

-it was really heart warming to see kaori. and also meeting sni for the first time. brought them my treasured finds from boracay. the shell looking coral from puka beach for kaori and the algae laden blue coral for sni. i am so glad they are happy. when russ came out i also brought him the pearls i found in la union and the biohilia-esque red coral from bantayan. like even myself i was so surprised with the four shores ive been just this summer. like wow.

-then treat them with cacao frm cebu and even facilitated a cacao ceremony, it was purely magical and wonderful letting their hearts open up.. it was swift and sweet and unifying. -then kaori made an asian noodles for us and then russ let us watch "burning"

-i kept on laughing with joy even when i got back to my room.

-and finally, i was able to sleep 

-i am happy

05/21

-parteed with gensan guy. it was soooo good i have to pay it back with sleeplessness and body ache. he is a grower and hard all day and night long.. 

 plus its his gv.. he came inside me twice.. gosh..😁 in fairness, that surpassea most of my sessions 

-not in the right condition so i have to miss meeting russ and sni, his friend frm Taiwan.

05/19-20

-went for grooming, facial massage and haircut

-felt productive and attained well being.

05/17-18

-slept and regained needful rest. sleeping in my room is incomparable, slept like a baby

-watched joel lamangan's hindi tayo pwede and was affected regardless of its negative review 

-slow down and just embrace the coming of rainy season

05/16

-was suppose to meet a spanish filipino guy but i end up with this hung who stayed in seabird. the robust i took made me so horny that every lick he made in my body moved me to ecstasy. and his huge dick make me loose my mind.

-going back to manila. i felt my stay in bora was enough. was about to meet two guys for sex but i end up making love with the sea as my grand finale .

-read through this twitter thread

https://twitter.com/culturaltutor/status/1658395657172918274?t=6V5GdALsQwEa9Az8YU5siA&s=19

"Those with power or wealth always fear losing them and never have peace of mind; those who pursue fame are pursuing an illusion; physical pleasures always leave us unfulfilled and wanting more.

Nothing external can make us truly satisfied or truly happy"

05/15

-im starting to feel the heaviness of my last remaining days of my stay here in bora.

-feeling ko nman super worth it and solved sya, specially i had my 2nd encounter with the ojt guy.. sobrang gwapo nya pala sa malapitan, daks pa...if mey mattress pa ako, malang nabuntis ako since sagad at putok nya sa loob.. tangina! 

05/14

-puka beach whole day 

-super amazed with the fishes where ive seen beautiful angel fish and discuss fish also some rare parrot fishes. there is

this spot where there was an attempt to build something and it became a ruin which eventually became habitant for marine organisms.. if only i have a under water camera, i could have taken pics of these wonderful creatures. my highlight is the baby cuttlefish just right on my face. ahaha

-ojt guy cr fun.. totally hot.. yummy and daks

05/13

-party with seaman student frm shoretime to epic

05/12

-rainbow cafe with bora1

-explore the depths right across station y, near asya and amazed how beautiful the marine life compared to station 2

05/11

-met this guy whom i kept on msging. and he is worth the wait.. handsome and super huge. felt my hole gaped as he is a deep fucker and huge. my ass definitely had a good pounding i almost give up and finally he burst after he removed the condom and fuck me bareback. then he cum on my face and mouth. (ref bora.3.daks)

05/10

-meet seaman student guy and had sex with him again. he is definitely huge and yummy.. his male physique is extraordinary 

05/09

-woke up sore as just now i was able sleep well and long. after spending so much fun times with the new found gang and with Cha', i believe its gonna be calmer days ahead of me..

-lazy day

-its been a long time since i have sex. thought i would end up zero but meet a seaman student from Iloilo.. hunky and mey dating. he wont share his pic even i tried persisting.. but gosh he is huge and would like to have 2nd orgasm. i burst like crazy and if only my TL is not looking for me i could have stayed for the 2nd blast. 

05/08

-2nd day with cha and we had breakfast then proceed at bama where we had some drinks by the beach. met this african guy from chad. he talks about most Filipino got shy with black. he is a handsome and charming guy so i assured him he should be able to find his way to anyone's heart. i never saw such happiness painted on somebody's face as his as he marvel the beauty of the boracay shores

-hugged cha as she about to take a nap not knowing it is our final hug before she come back to cebu and later in Japan.. such a swift yet sweet moment with her.

-watch sunset as people pass by at station 2 as kokoy look alike joined me. i felt it took a toll on me now being constantly with friends for the 

past few days and the thought i still have more than a week ahead of me here in boracay gave me this certain after glow that this time i will enjoy it on my own.

05/07.

-had so much fun since ive been in bora, last entry was may 2...

-woke up seeing the bunk of dharcy empty and somebody else is occupying Emerson's bed.

-Cha ferrer arrived in Bora and in we spent time catching up on these locations:

 *mayas

 *real coffee

 *station zero

 *ruins

 *diniwind

 she had a long day so she have to retire early

-went to om. bar with this guy frm gr who looks like kokoy with his hair. just partey with his new found friends and we got so drunk with a premium grade tequila. i really loge the dj and her playlist are boring but she made it so good. had a great time

- i am super drunk so i went midnight swimming with the full moon. medium calm crystal water, white sand its sssoooo blissfully good.

05/06

-ive been in a middle of so much happening and so much fun that i felt there's a need for re centering. 

-but the universe seems want me to enjoy the ride as our group went to s.2 had a great swim. then we went to newport coast then to keyhole. 

-i found the cove very peaceful and nice for snorkeling and harvest some sea urchin and had uni for dinner

-saturday night so went party

starts at rainbow lounge and then went to epic. i found myself dancing with this group from Australia (i believe based on their accent) when we found the center dance floor boring.. and thats when the real party begun.. ahaha so much fun..

-then later i found this hairy guy who works in bora and we went to bulabog area for an outdoor bareback fun. (ref: bora2) i like his smell and i came while he fucks me. that was intense fuck under the coconut trees.

-went night swimming.. alone by the beach, full moon, white sands, with post party music and lights, in paradise.

05/05

-discovered a shortcut frm shoretime dormitel to the beach. it was a beautiful cove. done simple workout and yoga.

-super wonderful sunset

-then during the night, met this local guy who is nearby almost 6 footer (ref: bora1) we did it around the cove as if it was the jurrasic park of puerto galera

-met new friend, dharcy, a trans from pampangga. she became my instant beshie introduce her to emerson and then 2 fellow dorm mates from bataan and she brewed a new adventure for the group for tomorrow: key hole.

-dharcy and i went to this drag 

performance at rainbow lounge and cafe, awesome slaying queens!

-at night, bonding with emerson and dakki over drinks.

-drinking while listening to live accoustic. currennt trend is uhaw by dilaw. he sang it as a real good singer

-dakki is now leaving and going back to davao.. i found myself sad and will miss him. hopefully we can meet in mindanao as dharcy and i planning to meet in siargao.

05/04

-able to swim station 2 and explore the ruins of station one.

-suppose to meet the yuppy for a coffee treat, (the guy who help me going accross bora) but he was caught in a meeting 

-falling in love with dakki as he gave me a mojito treat. i dunno but he appears to be straight 

05/03

-heading to bora, flight was delayed.

-found this yuppy and he guide me how to maneuver in bora. it was a stormy day and the boat jumps with the waves as other passengers scream. it was a hell of a ride 😁

-settled late and was super tired.

-fun started with meeting emerson even on my first day in bora, a fellow cebuano and i accompany him around bora since its his first. we had a very long talk with his endless life stories 

-my VL was not approved so i end up working but good thing there is this guy, a new found friend of emmerson and i really found him cute. his name is dakki from davao

05/02

-woke up sad as i will be leaving elyu and havent got the job post i was confident to get. well thats how it is... 

-say see u instead of goodbye with zyris and mark.. it was such a remarkable stay in circle hostel

-having the beetles "let it be" 

playing on the bus.. a whimsical reminder.

 05/01

 -saw this cute guy also staying at circles. ive seen him looking at me. he is tall, moreno and well formed biceps. he is wearing a mustard colour muscle tee shirt. so when i check in gr who are a foot away asked them if they wore the same color. and one said yes. and it was him! we managed to meet in my side of ward and even have him inside my bunk. we did it inside my cot. gosh he is so hot and huge. even took 

picture of his package. although he came too quickly but i was able to consume his entire manliness and came with his d* inside my mouth

are we at the beach or in a museum?

i felt compelled to share one of the highlights of my latest trip.

i already told them i am kinda anti-pop but my new found tribe is so hyped to visit the latest trending spot in boracay. they insist and i said ok.  The Keyhole is so far away and secluded we have to haggle for our trike fare. so meaning it takes so much money and effort just to come face to face with this "iconic natural attraction".

only to find that it is cordoned.

like what?! are we at the beach or in a museum?

while my fellows were just contended in taking  pictures outside the boundary my innards are revolting so i go beyond the yellow chain and just simply be the child of the universe and "be with" the wonderful rock formation.

then just few seconds, there is no surprise one of the security guards approached us. 

oh well.. i am so very prepared for this and told him about the book of Genesis, that God made them all. natural wonders shouldn't be privatized.

of course i let the security guard made his nonsense sop spiels while we slowly vanish... since i am done with my mission---with a huge smile on my face.

fin

04/2023

04/30 

(need more details 04/27-30) un able to write as it happens as too many events happens

-last day of april. meet this cutie guy just across my hostel. we just had some drinks and good food upstairs (forgot the name, right above fatwave) we have this beautiful view of the beach while we talk about having sex. we dont have a place so i said we might try the outdoors just behind our hostel. outdoors it is. we went to this bushy trail and had sex in the middle of thorny bamboos. we got so much scratches after we reached orgasm together. crazy month ender!

04/28-29

-im really having the time of my life. no time for sleep. after my shift i meet regie again and we went for a day tour with his new found friend as well. we went to the northern part of san juan. 

-went back to elyu and just chill with regie. seeing him so tall, lean and muscular, sexy and he is with me just laying across kabsat. i felt lucky and having the best summer. 

04/27

-such a treat from work as i was given two days off. actually its an SL and what a way to unwind enjoying the good vibes and great waves of la union...

-start spending my day usually having free fallen mangoes from the hostel grounds talk with zyris, the hostel manager. walk and get stoke with the

   powerful waves, swim, eat halo2x, food trip, have beer. meet someone new. gosh.. this is the life! 

-finally meet regie, the 6 footer guy. I've been msging him since i got here in elyu and finally have sex with him. gosh our sex was intense and he is huge. we had dinner at fat wave after. 

04/26

-arrived in elyu past 2am. the staff in my hostel are already asleep. went to the beach and was astound with the powerful waves 

-walk from the love la union signage to urbiztondo and had an amazing sunrise and marvel the surfer. i went ahead and swim with the crashing waves. 

-if sta fe cebu is more of a cat, la union is more of a dog: playful, intense, rowdy and intense. and the way i enjoy it here is more of the feeling rather than how u see it.

 -able to sleep and woke up energized. went to the left aide shore and marveled another version of the surfing beach. i love it better. less crowd wonderful sun.

-had ice-cream near kabsat and ride with the waves while having sunset. just marvelous

-met a local frm san Fernando and had sex on the beach 

- then also met this elyu_guy (see references) frm San juan who is more of my type. been msging him all day and finally able to meet him. went to this ruins near the san juan market and it was a great sex. able to cum this time. after, we had some burgers and he show me around the town plaza. had a marvelous time with him

4/25

-went to carri's place to greet her happy bday in person. brought her the buwad frm cebu of to her mom. vcall with joshua who is now in Malaysia. hugged her tight and later im leaving to elyu without her. heading there on her behalf 

4/24

-woke up with raprap and say my good byes.. i will miss this bearded child 

-thanked nanay maring for wonderful stay.

-read the good earth by pearl s buck on the trip frm tingloy going back to manila

-submit my hardbound to doc d, but she is on leave.

-went to cubao to do my usual facial, massage and haircut

04/23

-masasa day 2. woke up with the puppy named raprap. very cute dog with beard.

-karaoke acapella by the beach

-bjork soundtrip til sundown

anchor, harm of will.

04/22

-wind-riding with russ to masasa.

-had an amazing stay at seafront at nanay marzing.

-amazing sunset, 2 black crows wind gliding, blue king fisher, sun kissing the sea. eidel fitter quarter moon and venus.

-mutual core landscape 

-mj smoke. dancing at the sea, fears, dark walk along the cliffs (too complex to write about, might edit) such an adventure 

04/21

-recently, i am being tried with circumstances that doesn't go along with my way.. particularly with my holiday overtime which was not fully approved since i didnt take the quota. then a final submission for doc d. but she just left mins ago. such a downer. i really still have to re-practice my acceptance muscles.

4-20

-really cant sleep due to extreme heat.

-need to be out of town so i booked trips going to elyu and bora.

-was suppose to be with carri on her bday in elyu but she can't make it.

-will be seeing cha ferrer in bora while she visits her hometown cebu after years of years in japan.

4/17-19

-tried making bawi with sleep and rest

-i missed my room

-do guided meditation and walk

-noticed im having less porn or having the need to be fucked by someone.. 

-just having this lingering me time and just simply feel the present moment.

04/16

-visited russ since he is under the weather.

-brought him the sun dried fish from bantayan and prepared him the soupy mongo x shitake mushroom with alugbate and malongay and buwad.

-chilling at sbux when i went though my memories and saw pictures of me with my gang in Puerto Galera when we were still so young and capable of partying as if there's no tomorrow. it was such a wonderful time travel. marvel the manila bay sunset after

-get inside rizal park for the very first time in my life. gosh been in manila for more than a decade but finally able to get in and not just passed by.

04/15

-been too lazy lately. haven't done anything since my vacation leave last april 13, Thursday 

-dinner with dave at UPTC. it was short yet i appreciate his time with me. 

04/14

-rainy days in summer

-watched mike de leon's itim at UPFI

-met this 5'11 guy from pasig. yummy armpits.

04/13

-im experiencing this magnesium induced sleephood. just wonderful ive been sleeping like a baby.

-msged russ, saying im just looking through my window with drops of Ruichi's passing..

04/12

-just done with my interview with Daniel, the hiring manager for instructional designer post. felt relieved and ecstatic after all the anxiety and preparation ive made.

04/11

-listened to devlin peck's podcast specially with his interview with Joanna how to land on instructional designer post. it was very informative and motivating.

04/09

-bday sex with samar guy

-michiko aoba easter lily

-meet dave, have dinner

-meet john mondia and his friends as we also celebrate his brother's upcoming bday.

04/08

-wake up in lobo. able to sleep more than 10 hrs. felt rejuvenated. 

-5am. walk with kf to buy pandesal early morning. something that i really like to do once in a province.

-breakfast at the beach. just wonderful.

-bonding with LA and taught him with my fishing (as a pet) skills, which i learned growing up in bantayan island.

-we walk through different beaches along malabrigo and found series of different kind of beaches. sandy, pebbly, rocky and even at the end point, where it was windy and they have this emotional landscape. i felt it was such a long day. felt ive been staying on the beach for 3 days. so going home with the Bautista is such a convenience and I felt our quick yet lengthy stay in Lobo so sulit.

-we had this special halo2x and they all greeted me advance happy bday. i always not celebrate my bday, but this one is an exemption. super felt wonderful.

-had this view of sunset in the middle of a downward road (as if its the edge of the earth) along san jose batangas, this appears to be the last sunset of my 37th year of my existence. was not able to take picture of it but was one of those surreal and memorable moment.

04/07

-went to lobo with kf

-i don't have enough sleep plus the trip was so exhausting. glad to meet instant friends. one who is from bicol and we talk about donsol. then the other one is Patricia, a tranny from Zamboanga who is going to masasa. both help us take alternative ride going to batangas city since most direct buses are no longer available due to the lenten season.

-finally reached malabrigo with wonderful weather and crystal clear waters

-brought pasalubong frm bantayan. and also we had some drinks before we headed to the beach and enjoy the refreshing clear water. 

-walk along the coral reefs and LA (josh' nephew) found a trapped puffer fish and we set it free.

-able to see the magnificent sunset at the lovers lane

-spent time with joshua and the bautista family in their beach house in malabrigo

-joshua is about migrate to work in KL so it is also a despidada for him.

-unable to connect to the internet so simply brush off double pay and just simply enjoy the long weekend. 

-slept with KF and just simply snuggle in his armpits 

04/06

-trip going back to cebu as our flight will be tonight

-we have the entire bus ride for ourselves

-i remembered i had a co seat mate from my bora batanagas manila trip when we do it on the bus then we even make out in a motel when we arrived in cubao. got horny with the thought. since i have the entire back side to my self, i play by myself and reached orgasm. read an article in webmd about the four stages of sexual response cycle. excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution. but there was something wrong per dr emily nagoski:

https://youtu.be/eqX38J9ya1I

04/05

-savoring our remaining days here in kabac. languishing on sea food and biking along the sea wall.

-bonding with the ducay, watching blippi with xinxin, having coffee while popc and mamu are together. very ideal scene for a family in province

-this entire stay is more of family, it made me remember of the old days when u had no choice but be with ur family during summer break.

04/04

-went to sta fe from kabac for a bike trip. 22kms and i made it in 2 stops in 2 hours. crazy exhausting but exhilarating.

-pitstop at kermit's for their coffee and brazo de Mercedes. just complete yumminess.

-i was late for work, and i need at least an appropriate workstation to set up my laptop, saw this wonderful clearing but it turned out to be a cemetery.. nah, would go straight to kota instead.

-its wonderful to bike around sta. fe, remembered when max, mint and gerald bike along sta fe to bantayan road. it was crazy

-finally meet this hot tour guide and got satisfied with his hugeness. huge cock in my mouth, yummy smell of his balls and when he fucked me, i got stretched. i came while he fucked me and then when he is about to explode, he thrust his huge cock to my throat where his semen go straight to my esophagus and take all of his cum. that was intense and made me so horny satisfied.

-worked at kota with palesen and under the moon

04/03

-woke up at tria. i had a vivid dream of in a romantic relationship with someone. i dont recognize him but he is neither dave or kf.

-once my hangover is over, breakfast with tri and we talked once again. i just love how we talk without any judgement or whatsoever. she is indeed my soul sister. lovely lovely moment.

-enjoyed my first ever tuslob buwa and basked into the beautiful sunset of patao. where the sun really kissed the sea and bade farewell for the day.

04/02

-ive already lost my two charms, now i lost my skagen watch by the beach. i got to retrace my steps to look for it. as if trying to find a needle in a haystack. but gladly found it. i was in a verge of tears.

-just in time for sunrise. just wonderful.

-coffee by the beach. just perfect

-read sands of time at kota beach while enjoying a sumptous halo halo with coffee coco water latte

-back in kabac, i love hearing the voices of my family. my mother, my father (who just arrived) and my in laws and my pamangkin, xin Xin.. it is indeed amazing to be blessed with family.

-went to patao to attend don don's bday. able to hug tria tightly and blessed by mdme Victoria. it was an intimate wonderful talk over dinner and drinks.

-there was a potential straight guy on basketball jersey but we are too drunk to make out. passed out and woke up with a bad hangover. gosh

04/01

talk with russ

-chai, nocebo

-bjork

-nowness, wowness

-beer by the beach at kota

-saw this nice dining setup at the beach gazebo and call dave

-trubador washing moment at the beach.. sunset, clear water, moon, sky, stars. just exactly what i wanted.. what i needed. just here

just here right now.

-saw a dorsal fin.. its huge enough for either a dolphin or could be a shark..

lost in time

ive already lost my two charms, now i lost my skagen watch by the beach. 

i dunno, might because i had so much of a great time i kept on loosing other things. i have to wake up early morning before anyone wakes up. i got to retrace my steps again and again to look for it. i felt hopeless as finding it is almost impossible, as if trying to find a needle in a haystack. i felt i was lost in time but gladly found it. i was in a verge of tears.

...and just in time for sunrise. just wonderful.

03/2023

03/31

-lost two charms, my purple amythest for healing, and the one from russ, the blue agate for my cycle. it saddens me so much.. but they say, the charm will break or depart once u achieved its intention. so i simply let it go.

-interview with tak, with a potential day job. i felt light and elated

-jo at the beach (remembering the 6 footer guy in sugar beach and bespectacled guy)

03/30

-went to sta. fe

-island life

-clouds that looks like bjork dress in kobe, grander

-meet this guy who is a local. he had this rough appeal but overall very sexy. and his manhood is huge. since i haven't had sex for a long time and i minimize porn nowadays, (bespectacled guy was my last) then i cum right away. but he keeps on pounding me with hugeness. felt my ass going inside out.

03/27-29

-a long trip to bantayan island with mamu. 

-finally meet my brother john his partner, leanne, my pamangkin, xinxin and LeAnn's family in kabac

-enjoyed fresh seafood

-province is life

-bike along emotional landscape along the beach of kabac and patao

03/26

-met cuz jean with her beau anton and yan2x, bonding at mo2. still amazed how strong our bond

-buntagay na tagay with enrico at the new kwikspark near ayala. was amazed with his survival story about his suicidal tendencies 

-still smitten with the bespectacled guy who i had steamy encounter sa sauna. it kinda re ignite what i had with max (december 25 guy)

smitten that my heart kinda beats for him. gosh.. he is indeed a crush

03/25

-went to IT park and meet this guy frm paranaque. we supposedly do inside the cr across the walk, but there's too many people so we went upstairs to the still closed law firm. made him cum inside my mouth and swallow him whole. later we walk around and talk until he open up about his ex and listen to his story

-also meet this guy frm edades, he is super horny and fucked me me all morning to the extend my hole felt so raw.

-took an afternoon nap and cum inside my bunk, replaying my steamy encounter with the bespectacled guy.

-went to busay to commemorate my supposedly attendance to bjorks orkestral in Kobe. havent played bjork since my passport denial on feb 27th, i played hyperballad and throw stones from the top of the mountain. then proceed with her orkeatral playlistvfor her japan tour. i cried so hard specially when the first track played: stonemilker

then proceed with the rest while taking the uphill climb

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/01jpeDkesnf5gsNsdskSjq?si=UUQ9KOAoSJCg_I5K9P0PGA&utm_source=copy-link

03/24

-its already 2 past midnight when me and my cuzin jean call it a night. she started talking while she drive me towards O2 resto bar. she talk about the passing of her half sister and how she died on her watch. i cried seing her crying. 

-a very heavy yet heart warming bonding with my cuzin.

-later that day, dinner at bantayan eatery, sumptous squid adobo, the white one. crab meat and utan bisaya. solved.

-walk around ayala and make it as my oval as i attained my 10k steps for the day

-msge a bespectacled guy. he invited me to go to this spa in escario, Sandia/watermelon spa. and the moment i saw him really turns me on and he is indeed in his pictures. he is gym fit and good guy who does bad. 

when i recognized him i followed him right away in the shower we kissed, and we did oral l.. then we proceeded inside the sauna even with other guys watching us we are the one who ignited the action. then we proceed beside the lockers where he took some pictures of me sucking him. then when we get inside the massage room, he fuck3d me, rimmed me and fucked me again. gosh it was marvelous experience. it intensifies when i let him wait for me for too long and saw him being sucked by someone, but and i sat on him and that made me cum. gosh.. i felt the jealousy and wanting at the same time. it wasn't that perfect but i felt triumphant.

what a night experiencing the most handsome and hottest guy I've met this week in cebu so far. 

03/23

-miraculously, i didnt wake up with hangover. i felt super drunk last night.

-food trip at bantayan diner with their fresh seafood. gosh.. tastes like home.. 

-at the hostel, felt cornered with these homophobic caucasians, as i just used the toilet and then the shower. as if im usuin the shower as bidet/douche, they had this conversation: 

guy 1: "are you about to shower?"

guy 2: "yeah, and i can't find peace"

called max about it and find comfort from her voice and advise not to overthink.

-shrug it off and meet this guy frm.mabolo. although it is against my principle. this guy is gay for pay. he is charging me 2-3k. i said no and he insist. of just paying 300 instead since he is in dire need of money. the charitable person in me gave in and consider it as helping out instead of paying. it was all worth it since 1. i dont have to pay for the moteo, 2. he have the most sexy armpit. able to smell and ravage into them. 3. he have a huge dick. we did it in a public bathroom inside a student dormitory. i exploded like crazy as he exploded inside me. crazy crazy good.

-pass by carmelite/san Carlos seminary where. Julio and i had moments when he stayed there for there nursing review.

i remember when we sneak into one of the cr and gave him a blow job since we havent seen eachother for a very long time as a couple. a random memory.

- had dinner at it park mercado and enjoy a lechon belly while listening to this wonderful singer singing Alanis Morissette covers ( one hand in my pocket, ironic)

-writing these journal entry while waiting for one of my favorite cuzins, jean.

03/22

-had coffee while watching the sunrise. slowing it down. feeling at home. having the break i deserve:

*after for almost 6 months without traveling (japan travel preparation) 

*3 months of no VLs taken 

*and excessive over times.

-roam around and walk down memory lane. seen the mcdo in escario where russ, vera and yen ate out. the flavoured chicken in cebu doc where chai, russ usually eat. the angry/grumpy statue of mama mary (Our Lady of the Sacred Heart Parish) along escario then went to ayala area show russ the pic of the apartelle where he and james once booked.

-had sex with this hunky and curly top guy in mabolo. i came while he cum inside me.. it was a great release.

-had dinner with robin, chavie and her sister.. we then watched a restored sharon movie bituin walang ningning together with their ultra hd tv. marveled the scene with chery gil and finally able to understand the context behind the famous line: "you're nothing but a second rate trying hard copy cat". it was indeed a great night.

-received the confirmation email that i will finally get my refund for my flight. i felt i won a lottery. since they really gave me a hard time.. victorious, i went out for a party and went to uptown super club. enjoyed the music and able to really dance with the music. tabled with this dancer and when we just had too.much to drink he showed me a condom. what i show him was my lube and packet of robusts. jockinly, i put a tab in a bottle of beer. and they kind of chicken out and they got weirded out. so to save myself frm their loser kind of reaction. i exited and call it a night.

03/21

-realized that there's more to life than japan and Bjork. so i took the flight going home to cebu with my mother. 

-visited robin, our 4th sibling and his newly born baby Ally, and his loving partner Chavie. i wish i have it photographed by it would be etched in my memory how my mother craddle her 7th apo in her arms for the first time. such sweet moment.

-had foot reflex and whole body massage for 1.5hr in thewi thai and its always a marvelous experience. said to myself that i felt na virgin kog balik.. 😅

-stayed in 7 hostel and able to sleep well 

03/20

-as if my pschosomatic body copperates with me, i indeed got fever and gastrointeritis, enough for me to call a doctor and provide me medcert. now im praying it is enough for me to atleast got my money back from the japan flight i couldnt take. 

03/19

-reread/re listened a murakami short short story, barn burning.

-also able to watched the movie, burning, in netflix. as russ' file in google play, the subs wont work on my end. i am moved with hae-mi's performance and her dance interpretation of little hunger and big hunger.

-finally able to do laundry. felt the stench of sadness washed away and enjoy the fresh scent of my bed sheets.

-enjoy listening to audio book, and listened to little green monster and i got a different realization on it specifically about mental health. that its all in your mind and u can also incapacitate anxiety rather u let it incapacitate u.

after series of realization, i have now a different notion on the saying what doesn't kill u makes u stronger. as other said it will make u weaker. 

me: it will make me fight back. fight back and not let it kill u.

-later that night, for some weird reason, i got feverish i thought im gonna die.

03/18

-welcome russ' bday at his place in syquia. we watched Darren Aronofsky's the whale. 

03/16-17

-i never felt defeated in my entire life. i felt bruised and bleeding.

-the stress manifests on my body. i got body pain, and my face covered with a lot of pimples. huge ones!

-it is real that healing is not linear. felt a sudden and strong wave of sadness and pain as i deal with my flight refund. cebupac is givine me hard time to the extend i have to come up with a medcert that shows me unfit to travel

03/15

-greeted max happy bday and we reminisce our recent time together here in manila

03/14

-im not sure if its considered date, but me and dave the 6'2footer guy frm batanggas met outside for the first time. i find him gwapo on his all black ensemble and his tattoos are popping. we had some drinks at nomu's and then went to my place to have sex. then we have dinner at UP gastro lane then walk him home. it was a great bonding moment between us. i was able to open up with my sadness about my visa denial and for not seeing bjork live. he also open up his past with me.

03/13

-bonding with mamu, had a great masaage and dinner with her at lucky gold. quick bonding with papa and baby avvy

-meet this guy frm leyte, just cant take it, got so horny so i had steamy moment with him. i felt wrecked with him fucking me and bursting in me twice

03/12

-moment with kf

facial, dinner, coffee and rewatched oh mando

-felt the need to restrain from too much sex 😅

-msge dave the 6 footer guy and told him i needed dating this time

03/11

-watched mario rosa's bilangong birhen and was hypnotized by its beauty

03/09-10

-processed my waiver of mrr and had this amazing moment with our university guidance counselor who i manage to talk about my entire stay in UPdil.. i felt it was looong yet fulfilling stay. not a waste at all. it was an entirely fun rollercoaster experience. even told him, if i became a ghost, my soul will stay on this campus.. we both laughed. he

 provided me a st. Benedict pin. a sort of congratulatory badge and at the same time protection. i remembered andre on him. such an amazing soul.

03/08

-went to russ' and we made this post worm moon charm with jayr.

-we had this jube with lavender and gosh i felt healed and free from suffering. i end up sleeping the whole night

03/5-7

-detox

03/04

-shawi treated my mom with micro blading and shading for her kilay, its beautifully done and i saved more than 15k

-shawi and i went to shangrila and we had coffee at tobeys, then we went to cuts salon

-jade msged me for partee n play but he did it without me. it triggers me, so the moment char msged me and he have the item for less, i jumped into it. he had a bad trip but i managed it well. since i have some item left, msge a long time playmate frm bsa twintowers. however he is not as hot as before so i kinda lose it and just went porn trip. -when i got home, met this half arab dad and he met my fantasy fuck. then finally met this couple in grab tapsi who double pen me and my main contact have a very great cock. all of my sexual frustrations got solved. 

-msge chad about this and im glad he said to stop this but even my msge to him was obscure. myself is like going square one.

03/02

-i have no idea what happened this day. probably busy with academic paperworks and just roam around UP. just enjoying a good weather. one thing i learned recently is that while waiting for ur greatest joy to come, don't forget the passive happiness. like simple walking, enjoying ur coffee and music.

-currently digging into sza's SOS and mugler 2023 soundtrack 

03/01

-gosh, its march already. feb was definitely a tough month. i thought pa sweet lang but no. it was one of the harshest month i went through. to the extend i got pimples as sign of stress.

-went through with these guided meditation and i am so amazed how this exercise give me peace of mind. it guides me to a safe space where i thought was all gone but its just within me. 

-i am struck with this ep from scott ste marie

https://open.spotify.com/episode/2lV2W3RokRNjZKQfMb4V1n?si=wsgfmomXQLq1Jh2gBNrQmg&utm_source=copy-link

where he said about finding your path and only to find out that the path is a jungle and life is about contrasts.

02/2023

02/28

-still cant get over with Bicolguy_marcus earlier. we had a long story. frm cubao, alabang and finally meet him here in updil. had milktea, talk and awesome sex. he bursted 3x. Lupit sobra..i love his tattooed hairy body. one of the best sex ever. cuddle was also great. husband material. kaso he have to go to alabang and later to bicol.

-met dave the 6footer in sofia, he is kindof worked up. im not so sure what to write as i have no idea what's going on with him.

-felt overwhelmed with everything specially about work: 2 hours extra OT daily is undeniably exhausting. i might just simply re think it. and consider it as a financial blessing but my my mind is tired and usually sleepy.

-waves of dissapointment still hitting me with my denied visa application and it hits me bad i felt like anne hathaway singing i dreamed a dream in les mis

02/27

-i was still in denial with my denied visa application for japan. so i called and emailed them. i both ways, they refused to consider my plea.

-aside from the fact that i already spent 25k for the round trip ticket, 10k for the accomodation and 8k for bjork's ticket plus the processing fees, for me what hurts more is not the japan trip itself.. since i intended to visit japan as my last Asian country to visit (comes with the saying; save the best for last) it was my opportunity to see and experience bjork live. 

i still haven't seen one of my holy trinity (which are Alexander McQueen, bjork and haruki murakami)

02/26

-was super drunk last night. good thing i didnt have hangover

-meet this super chubuff bear guy.. my ultimate kind of chunky beaf. hope to meet him.again.

-saw this handsome guy along food lane. never knowing i will see him again at the lagoon. he came from cavite and have this caviteno kind of face, deep seated eyes, chiseled jaw bone and mustached kissed him endlessly and he even rimmed me. we are in the middle of doing oral when a univ security approach us and caught in the act. thought it was the end of us. but after apologizing. he let us go. we continue walking and talking and romatasizing we could be lovers just for the night.

02/25

-still down from my denied visa application. good thing max was there, she was able to comfort and made me laugh.. her healing presence really made the difference.

-party at rapture with max and shawi. met john mondia and his friends. party like crazy. never enjoyed that kind of party for a long period of time

02/24

-my japan visa application was denied. felt cold sweat trickle down my nape. never felt so low. with guided meditation i breath my dissapoint away

-met and had sex with alex, isko frm area 2, 5'10 cute 20 year old guy. found comfort from his cuddle

02/23

-felt down with my annual compensation appraisal of 2.5% as it was too low compared from the 8% inflation. dont have the motivation to work hard for the day.

02/22

-today, seen the sky brighter even past 6pm. could be the start of summer solstice

-ended the japanese film fest in cine adarna with the film: intolerance

its about coping, forgiveness and kindness.

-accompanied max at nkti for his colonoscopy procedure

-good thing it wasn't serious

02/20-21

-BU holiday, just do nothing. i need to simply pause on these days

02/19

-checked in at soho belle suites in makati with max and shawi

-went around makati business district 

-met this cute guy from jazzz residence. chinito tall lean and yummy. his dick is like 7" thats goes sidewards. he came inside me. cuddle a bit and got to leave. he made my stay in makati remarkable 

-went towards burgos street while on drag. had so much fun with full make up and dress on.

02/18

-bonding with kf, dinner facial and massage

-max and shawi arrived

-up fair with max and shawi and heard moonstar88 live

02/17

-gosh! finally submitted my visa application.. phew! wish me luck!

-went up fair polaris? and heard dec avenue live

02/16

-today, im starting to veer away from wanting and lean towards "anticipating"

-loving the smell of ber to summer month transition. i miss this kind of state of being 

02/15

-im getting closer to my dream japan trip and to finally experience bjork perform live.. as i reached the 50k target bank ending balance.

-i just can't contain my relief and excitement as its been months since i got anxious about this trip.

02/14

-spent valentines with fam in pasig

-bought cake and ice cream and had awesome sweetness with my family 

-kulitan with baby avvy.. videoke and then re watch remastered titanic in HD

02/12

-went for a jog while cruising. met this tall guy but small dick, then this guy who was with someone who wanted to be fucked by him but the guy end up fucking me as he liked me better. then my finale was with this cute and makinis guy.. it was already day time and we got distracted so we end up at my place (since he is worth bringing home) we talk while walking. until we reached my place so we had a steamy sex. i love sniffing his armpits, licking his nipples and he have this huge dick that goes sideways. i also love how he glows in my room and his pubes were beautifuly trimmed, it looks naturally clean. i love visualizing him while i worship him. i cum while he is inside me. we have this very romantic fuck. so it was really good sex. he is half cebuano but doesn't know how to speak bisaya 😅. we changed numbers, so i hope to be with him again.

02/11

-super lazy and super lethargic

-slept whole day

02/10

-just finished tag ulan sa tag init starred by vilma santos and Christopher de leon. such an intense and emotionally driven film.. 

-meet 6'2 guy. i missed him. went to his place. he also liked bjork. talked about bjork. first time.that i came with him. while he fuck.me he came twice as usual.

02/08

-tried this guided meditation and i felt sleepy all the way.

02/07

-felt productive with my visa preparation

02/06

-slept for a very long time to the extend i end up waking up with a headache

-wake up with my face to plum.. thanks to galvi and cryo therapy yesterday.. it does magic

-i also find my back, shoulder blade, free of pain.. thanks to ventosa yesterday. i may spent too much but its all worth it. never felt and look so good 

-went out and had a view of a full moon. recharge my crystals

-gr is taking its toll on me. its been running 2 weeks since i haven't met a quality hook up in gr. i might end up stick on cruising or will try to go for bath house 😅

-amazingly, when it rains it pours. i had a hot encounter with a guy who was blown by someone but he fucked me. then met this cute guy with a guy, however he only want a handjob. he came and was able to get a taste of his cum. then met this small but biggie guy and he fucked me bareback at arki, then proceeded to pathwalk/pansol to meet a gr favorite. he also came inside me. but all these four, i didnt came. gosh. i lose my libido mostly to porn nowadays.

02/05

-can't get over what happened today. although it cost me alot of money pero iba..

-may not able to write properly since i just had massage and i am so sleepy. brain fog it is.

-so ayun na nga, KF finally meet, once again.. after i cried over him last October. 

-i intentionally treat him today because: he recently had his bday (nov 27) , his step dad is in the hospital, and most of his sweldo goes to his family. he doesn't have left for himself. so i blessed him with what i have since i felt i am much blessed.

-i shared and let him experience my derma ortiz session since i have more than 30 vouchers pa.

-dine at batangas bulalohan sa tapat, while he discuss what happened with his step dad while his mom is the one who is taking care. i find it sweet but of course i know how financially draining it is for him.. i also told him what happened to my father last new year's eve.

-then we went jco araneta, ots been a while since i just chill with someone right beside me.

-then we cap it all with ventosa massage at mt. albo.. i slept..

-it was a relaxing day and i felt my weekend was long enough, i felt rested and happy 😅

02/04

-im starting to smell the pungent smell of mango blossoms right outside my window.. a promise of a new season.

02/03

-i kept on thinking about batangas 6'4 guy.. 

-i kept on thinking about him more than KF

-went to shang and watch everyday a good day (2018)

it has this subtle and meditative attack as i found myself crying hard. it was a very slow paced yet beautifully presented. never felt any dull moment. it was able to capture a serene aspect of Japan of which you end up overflowing with emotions. it was so beautiful..

https://youtu.be/bLtHMfyRsao

02/01-02

-had these hearty mugs for both claire and yka

-office mode, made new lunch friends with eunice and justin

-really wanted a day job, but honestly i am still happy and comfortable with work

 i mean there's no work that is easy. but i definitely appreciate this one that i am having and its less toxic compared to my previous jobs

01/2023

01/31

-guess what?! nag msge si KF?!

 (the 2nd person who broke my heart in 2022) i guess our last convo was in October and i tried moving on in Bacolod.

-long story and long text msge convo. but to make it short. he invited me for derma.. ahaha. good thing naka move on na ako sa kanya. so im no longer emotional, mushy and all pero i still let him know what i went through and he told me that he missed me but he is not ready for relationship and he said sorry. fine. the irony of u having this deep seated feeling for someone and once other one is presented, it is way too shallow. such disparity

01/30

-getting emotional since it just dawn on me after seing russ with dane yesterday presents the notion that russ wont be an fx ride away anymore as he would eventually move to ny.

01/29

-went to russ' place and meet dane in the flesh for the 2nd time. it is our first time with proper introduction since the first time in cebu was such a blur and i was not on a speaking terms with the gang (with chai, russ and vera)

-gave my newly found egret feather to dane. told him i love the story behind these birds migrating to escape the Siberian breeze and most of them even choose to staye here in the Philippines until they die.

-russ and i discuss about an upcoming collaboration for a performance art

-dane had a rough day and have to paint. so russ and i left in the sala. since we had some drinks and dobbies we go ahead and sang karaoke. it was a very swift yet shocking master singing as the awesome waves of besties collides us. i sang the girl from ipanema, as a tribute to bambi and mecca. and as time goes by. while him singing nearness of you. it was really great.

-we also had this shared love that we cannot contained. i am blessed having that in this lifetime.

-then we end up the night re-watching Alexandro Jodorowsky's holy mountain.

01/27-29

-had fuel up friday after watching blue thermal in shang

-meet batangas 6 footer boy, i guess i am starting to like him.

-watched japanese film fest belle (2021 film)

-i was on spell by belle and listened to the whole album again and again in Spotify 

01/24-26

-not feeling motivated

-still recoving from the blow of sudden pain with nikko.

-spent most of my waking hours jogging, having good food, and music trip.

-talking of music, im on the girl in red era: "midnight love", "." , "i'll call you mine". have them as my jog mate.

-im now starting to look for non thesis masters program available in uplb. 

01/23

-felt really sad about nikko as he went back here in UP campus to get his watch. i prepared as i thought we will make out. but we end up just parting ways after he got his watch back. 

-went for a run to shake it all off, as the sadness lingers like deep seated oil.

-watch the sky turns red and listened to bjorks harm.of will.

-just kept on reminding myself that this is just an emotion and simply embrace and wallow with it while its there.

-went to momarc to have my comfort food. had that much needed self compassion.

-since i don't have his watch and clearly he doesn't like me that much, then i should "lift my arms and my roots shall seek another land"..

01/22

-deym, had a hot encounter with a 5'10 borta makinis with tatts guy. lucky bitch feeling once again! its been a long time since i had one of the hottest guy in town.. met his cute friend first and supposed to do a 3sum with them. however his friend appears to be done so he ends up doing one on one with me. 

i thought i wont be able to make it out with him, but my patience paid off. i brought him at arki, and gosh he is so yummy.. i even able to savor his armpits and buffed biceps..licked him from his nipples down to his balls.. how i love looking at him while i sucked him. while his palms at the back of his head. exposing his handsome masked face with yummy armpits and well potruding chest.. 🤤 i sucked him with all my might as he finger my asshole preparing to be fucked. remembering it makes me hard right now as i write this.

and then the condom i prepared was not used as i ride on his cock bareback. thats scene was so hot. then he fucked me from behind and later he lay me down at the make shift plywood cot on the grass. and we did the missionary right at the middle of the night outdoors. and when we came. it was tremendous. he even removed his mask and he even kissed me torridly. it was really good. deymit. all these tigang days was compensated..thanks heavens! 

as we walk back, there was fireworks.that can be heard from afar. it was already lunar new year (chinese spring festival)

i jokingly said that what we had was buenas as our putukan was right at midnight, it goes together with the fireworks. 

his name is kim.. he got my number. i wish he would msge me again soon. 

***

-woke up early, and able to watch eigsai. im not so sure if my last was 2019 before the pandemic.

01/21

-i had a fair share of heart wrenching yet wonderful experiences nowadays, so i cannot complain. this would be my top creative ways to say im ok. 

-watched he who is without sin. this has blown me away.

giving me the same chills as darren aronofsky's "black swan".

01/20

-meet elois and went to ace water spa. ive been living in metro manila for more than a decade and its my first time 😅.

 i felt i was on my 8 year old self again. it was fun and brings back the kid in me. i also felt sexy with my skimpy swimming trunks. the last time i wore it was when i went to boracay in 2018.

-went to this oriental restaurant in banawe. causeway bay..and it reminds me.of hk. gosh the food was luscious. 

-now i was able to try the water spa. specially the hot herbal tubs. this brought me to different dimension, specifically to hayao Miyazaki's spirited away kind of feels.

01/18

-finally watched avatar 2. in imax. i can't count how many times i said whoa.. totally mesmerized. it was 3 hours long so nanibago ako the moment i got out of the cinema. just amazing..

01/16

-today, i felt being attacked. i cannot pinpoint if it is sadness, loneliness or frustration. 

it started with this guy who want me to come over at technohub for car fun.. i prepared, i cleanse, but he ends up not able to respond. he says he fell asleep. (hmm, na trigger ata ako. reminds me of meiaj) 

-but i was able to enjoy walking inside technohub at day time. had a great meal at the pantry, i missed being in the office. then walk around and appreciate the lagoon and even had a wonderful workout.

-watch and overwhelmed with the sinulog footage specially the lumad basakanon. it send me shivers. 

-then went to cubao to have my haircut and then facial. saddened with derma ortiz at puregold closing down after years of being with them (since 2019) and now was referred to p.tuazon branch but offerred with the same package at the same amount: 3k for 30sessions. so that's good for the year.

-im supposed to watch avatar but im so tired. went home and then msge nikko. which did not reply (now i know why i felt this way).

-i felt messed up. even tried watching jowable but it didn't give me that feel good i thought i will be feeling.

-im really, tired. wanna rest but felt restless.

-i need some grounding

1/15

-meet mplace guy

-walk memory lane abscbn while raining

-visit my folks in pasig

1/14

-went to cubao for a drink

01/13

-got to reminisce sinulog as im not going to cebu this time.. why? its too samok. i have to save for my japan trip. i thought i will be with a date. ahaha. reposts memories.

-i kind of washing off nikko even though he appears nearby on my gr app. as they say, it takes one to replace one. and lo and behold. found this guy just right beside his profile and manage to meet up with him. he is 28, 5'8 big dick.. me met at the tennis court and bang. it was an intense encounter. that kiss while being fucked from behind was hot. he also fucked me bareback. i came while he fucked me. and i swallow his cum. that was great combo. he was an instant favorite. hope to meet him again soon. somehow my sadness for nikko washed over with feeling of exhilaration.

01/12

-i am on my VL and i am still saddened with nikko. i thought he will be my new version of nikko s. my crush in college who i am in loved with for 5 years. sigh.

-i slipped through and slept the whole day.

-i declared it as a sad day.

01/11

-i got my answer from nikko a day after i sent my invite. and it was a no.

-according to him,

"Ay hook up lang po ako sa grindr ehhh.

Pass po ako sa mga labas"

-sadly, my romatized feelings for him is: short-lived.

01/10

-kept thinking about nikko and wondering when could we possibly meet again.

-his watch is lying beside mine.

i can't even got to wear my skagene watch as his android watch might become alone and lonely by itself.

-was fantasizing about him and even think about him when sarah g sings: "can this be love"

-im smitten

-so i mustered to invite him for watching avatar with me since i will be on VL on the 12th, Thursday.

01/09

-woke up at Russ'

-had coffee and then black tea, paired with lemuel's bday cake: remnant of his caramia chocolate caramel cake while having the view of the manila bay and my choice of music: emily king's georgia

-im not sure if its because i talked with Russ about what stresses me lately and with what we smoked (cush and wild flowers) my mind became cozy and light. i was able to sleep well when i got home.

***

-when i wake up, i got a msge from this guy from mangahan Commonwealth. whom i supposed to meet last weekend but i have to be with russ and he have singing session with his friends. we finally meet and when i saw him i find him more gwapo and hotter compared to his pictures. for me, he is a moreno or pinoy version of nick jonas with his natural curly hair. gosh, I can't forget the way he freshly came from shower with only a towel on. kissed him while standing and his penis, erect.

-it was a wild love making. he is a stud and felt lucky to have this super sexy guy in bed. he is definitely worth bringing in my room and i came while riding his cock. its been a while since i came while being fucked. he is visually stunning so that adds up to my horniness. when its his turn to cum, he bent me over and fucked me without the condom. he came inside and felt a tremendous warmth inside me.

-he was able to sleep while cuddling. and when he woke up, i gave him a massage. he appeared to be turned on and he made me blow him and lick off his cum.

-we had dinner at rodicks before i walked with him at ylanan's gate to take a ride home. his name is nikko, a fellow isko (Educ) and he is a math teacher at ICA in san juan.

-when i get back in my room, we found out he left his wrist watch.

-well, i dunno how our future unfolds. but for now, i am super sextified and super kilig

. gosh.. 

01/08

- 1am, felt so low

-i felt i lose the zest for life

-i just want to do nothing.

-cam across this video and realizes a lot

https://youtu.be/rU8APAwp6io

-i realize that ive been through a lot of harsh moment and its my body to simply slow down and recuperate

-need to embrace the feminity inside me and simply slow down

-got reminded about light amd dark. that you cannot appreciate light if u haven't gone through the dark

-im in a cycle, and assured myself i will bounce back.

***

- 3pm, went to russ' place and brought him diplomat black tea (given by juswa Bautista hand brought from Australia) and prepared them this hearty concoction of tumeric, ginger, cinnamon and black pepper.

-watched the marvelous sunset at manila bay.

-russ gave me his art print, which i called the primordial branches. while looking for an envelope to cover the artwork, we came across an old photo with russ family with me and chai. it was year 2007, roughly 16 years ago. we were turning 22.

-coincidentally, its lemuel's bday tomorrow, so we gonna do salubong this midnight

-i prepared the pasta sardinia ala pobre and had a blast at the kitchen with russ. it was marvelous.

-watched juniper tree and had some drinks and party with russ, lem and later jay-r also joined us. jayr brought a mic with effects.. had drunken karaoke and it was really fun. 

-when the clock hits Midnight, we sand and greeted Lemuel happy bday and give him a toast.

01/07

-still can't stop thinking of what ive blurted out during my fa200 presentation. what could i have said better. i am overthinking, already told myself, it is what it is. already tried jogging, meditation, and some yoga. but still keeps on spinning back around my head. voices keeps on murmuring. hopefully after i sleep later, it will hushed down.

-the 6'2 guy from sofia bellavue msged me again and we had sex in his condo. although i didnt reached orgasm (due to constant porn watching) but i love the sensation and pleasured by his pounding. he came twice. we talked and cuddle in between. he sounds brilliant and intelligent while me sounding sleepy. i find him huggable and warm under his sheets while in his airconditioned room.

***

-wanna go to russ' with carri but carri not able to make it

-wanna go out but our mandatory OT is such a bummer!

-i will simply think i need this for japan trip and to pay out father's out of pocket hospital expenses. we were billed 70k, hmo only covered 50k, so me and my brother need to split 20k.

01/06

-finally done with my fa200 presentation. it ends up with a lot of major revisions required.

-i resigned and surrender to come what may.

-keep solace at University hotel, had chocolate cake and 2 refills of dark coffee.

-watched, im thinking of ending things, and there was a part when i simply cried. the movie might just be a trigger but i cried of exhaustion anxiety and uncertainties.

-anchored myself with the notion that nothing is certain anyway, so im ok.

01/05

-never felt so heavy and its only day 5 of this year.

things that are bothering me are:

*my father's hospitalization

*fa200 final presentation

*work related stuff

because of that, i deserve extra self compassion.

encountered this article and practice it specifically by heart:

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/a42156653/self-compassion-how-to-be-more-confident/

-finally my father got discharged. his running bill reaches 70k, but with the help of hmo, he only have to pay 20k. much less sana if mey father able to process his senior citizen application and Philhealth kaso, as my mother told me, mas inisikaso pa nya ang tagay.

now me and kuya will shoulder the payables. what a life.

01/04

-got stressed with my fa200 presentation preparation plus my father's hospitalization. i wish i can take an emergency leave at work but i want to start this year strong specially with my job since its the one that really pays the bill.

01/01/2023

-new day. a new year.

-celebrated in welcoming the new year at home, with the family.

-it was indeed challenging and stressful. so i had some alcohol, sang my heart out. around 2am, headed to cubao only to find out rapture is close. so i headed to obar. i want to party and dance like the dance video on Beyonce's honey

https://youtu.be/_c-1iF-FXSE

3am but it was too crowded and their music are staples of yesteryears. not much new musics from 2022. fine, so tried to have a good time and thinking i saved so.much hospital bills frm hmo, i splurged. frm the 4900 that i withdraw, only 1k left. 😭

saw my crush jap nafuente, again. the last time i saw him was in nectar. this time, he is too drunk, well again. and he is surrounded with his friends. i dunno when the likes of him will end up with me. aahaha

well, the stress i had yesterday clings on me. i didnt really enjoy and had so much bitchy encounter with grumpy and sad souls in there. so i end up bringing my drink outside and listen to my own favorite music through my earphones.

then bjork's sorrowful soil came to play so i cried again. left voice msge to russ mentioning that i told my father, with all sincererity, you did well.

sober up along emerald avenue, then went to cbtl inside my favorite mini park when chai video call me.

they are still not ok, and it breaks my heart with the notion that russ is leaving to new york and here they are, not able to patch things up while russ is still here in manila.

i showed her a video that russ and herself made for me. we end up with this triumverate pics of ourselves, for the longest time, virtually together. 

she sent an email to russ and acknowledge how me, being torn in between, is difficult. to the extend if there are invites from both of them, at the same time, i end up not going to neither of them.

i love them, equally.

a drop of lime

like a juvenile love that is so intense 

it hurts. 

What happened to me will never leave 

my memory.

a never healing wound, 

smeared by a drop of lime

It will accompany me.

for a life time.

how can i encapsulate it?

to a composer who is groping for words

for a song that represents 

a section of a sad story.

to a dancer in the dark

who traces her steps with a sigh

to a painter who splashes emotions in a works of art.

to a tormented soul

who pours her heart on a daily journal 

chapters of chapters of unfinished pages

blotted into an autobiographical ordeal. 

was it, an epic fail?

as one cannot pinpoint the location of tremors and pain.

these emotions, sparked by a memory,

and its accompanying tactile sensations,

an abundance of tears.

have been tucked away in the back of my mind 

for the past 20 years. 

In circumstances like these, 

time feels so peculiar. 

It nearly feels like time travel, 

of no chance to land.

as it's faint, 

woozy, 

and hard to grasp onto, 

like you're reaching out 

to catch smoke 

or water 

with bare hands.

01/08/23

01/08

- 1am, felt so low

-i felt i lose the zest for life

-i just want to do nothing.

-cam across this video and realizes a lot

https://youtu.be/rU8APAwp6io

-i realize that ive been through a lot of harsh moment and its my body to simply slow down and recuperate

-need to embrace the feminity inside me and simply slow down

-got reminded about light amd dark. that you cannot appreciate light if u haven't gone through the dark

-im in a cycle, and assured myself i will bounce back.

***

- 3pm, went to russ' place and brought him diplomat black tea (given by juswa Bautista hand brought from Australia) and prepared them this hearty concoction of tumeric, ginger, cinnamon and black pepper.

-watched the marvelous sunset at manila bay.

-russ gave me his art print, which i called the primordial branches. while looking for an envelope to cover the artwork, we came across an old photo with russ family with me and chai. it was year 2007, roughly 16 years ago. we were turning 22.

-coincidentally, its lemuel's bday tomorrow, so we gonna do salubong this midnight

-i prepared the pasta sardinia ala pobre and had a blast at the kitchen with russ. it was marvelous.

-watched juniper tree and had some drinks and party with russ, lem and later jay-r also joined us. jayr brought a mic with effects.. had drunken karaoke and it was really fun. 

-when the clock hits Midnight, we sand and greeted Lemuel happy bday and give him a toast.

01/01/2023

01/01/2023

-new day. a new year.

-celebrated in welcoming the new year at home, with the family.

-it was indeed challenging and stressful. so i had some alcohol, sang my heart out. around 2am, headed to cubao only to find out rapture is close. so i headed to obar. i want to party and dance like the dance video on Beyonce's honey

https://youtu.be/_c-1iF-FXSE

3am but it was too crowded and their music are staples of yesteryears. not much new musics from 2022. fine, so tried to have a good time and thinking i saved so.much hospital bills frm hmo, i splurged. frm the 4900 that i withdraw, only 1k left. 😭

saw my crush jap nafuente, again. the last time i saw him was in nectar. this time, he is too drunk, well again. and he is surrounded with his friends. i dunno when the likes of him will end up with me. aahaha

well, the stress i had yesterday clings on me. i didnt really enjoy and had so much bitchy encounter with grumpy and sad souls in there. so i end up bringing my drink outside and listen to my own favorite music through my earphones.

then bjork's sorrowful soil came to play so i cried again. left voice msge to russ mentioning that i told my father, with all sincererity, you did well.

sober up along emerald avenue, then went to cbtl inside my favorite mini park when chai video call me.

they are still not ok, and it breaks my heart with the notion that russ is leaving to new york and here they are, not able to patch things up while russ is still here in manila.

i showed her a video that russ and herself made for me. we end up with this triumverate pics of ourselves, for the longest time, virtually together. 

she sent an email to russ and acknowledge how me, being torn in between, is difficult. to the extend if there are invites from both of them, at the same time, i end up not going to neither of them.

i love them, equally.