07/2025

31/07

-day dreaming about jack is getting non stop. Kissing him, smelling his armpits, cuddling with him all day and night. Just being with him forever, even if it's all in my head.

-2nd day with our Reiki session with Ana, a Romanian yogi and reiki teacher who got her learnings from a Japanese reiki master. plus the lineages of ancestral practices. Also they said Romanian women are known to be witches. I just couldn't believe this is all happening to me while i am here in the mountains of Italy 🥰

I have a french woman as my classmate, clemence. I could only wish I'm doing this with my tribe russ, vera, chai, and the rest of diwatitaz..   thinking of them with love..

-went to the yoga platform by the forest for the first time and hugged and shared energy with a spiritual tree.

-had some moment with this huge dog, whom i thought was gonna kill me. He is actually very loving and simply needs some petting. Gave him a massage and i could hear him sigh with relief afterwards. He is so adorable 🐶

30/07

-just had my proper reiki class with Ana from Romania here in Italy Farm Stay. It's definitely way more amazing than what i went through online. By instinct, she taught us about cleansing the left, right and center plexus. Which totally cleanses my jealousy, brokenness and sadness with manilvaguy. Now i am able to clear my channel and send my love light to Jack. I hope he will message me soon 🙏

28-29/07

-had this overwhelming joy that i am still alive after the terrible accident. Praying that it's the worst and nothing can be worse than that. Senior Giuseppe is also thankful as he said i saved him from the fall. Cheered on him and said: viviremo cento anni!

-living my life with purpose and passion.

-received a sponsorship for reiki certification from Angeli, our Indian guest from the UK. Sending her gratitude and will make sure to pay it forward by spreading the love with healing and well being.

-watched lion, 2016 film. Then searched for mancilang bantayan island in Google earth 

-had jack's photo on my side. I always have a smile with his goofy yet adorable looks. 

27/07

-i am inspired with aomame in 1Q84 when she already accepted her fate and how she prepares herself for her major task. Before and after. The endless solitary days inside her room, nothing but a cold metal of a gun.

-had a terrible accident while helping senior Giuseppe.  A water tank fell into my head. I'm lucky it didn't land on my face and the impact wasn't that much. I hope my wound will not get scarred. Cried because of the post trauma. Inform my mom and some friends about it. If i am a cat, it feels like 1 life has been deducted from my 9 lives.

-watched and finished white lotus season 1.

27/07

-feeling a little bit ok when i woke up. I guess all i have to do for now is wait: be patient and be hopeful.

26/07

-feeling exhausted lately.. also my social battery is totally drained. Isolate myself most of the time.

-take a bath in the rain and do yoga by the field. I tried to do a "breath of joy" but instead of feeling happy, i cried. I guess i am missing a lot of things, places, people: Estepona, folgaria, my friends in Andalusia, my co tutors, Jack, I'm still holding on.. i am grieving on letting them go.

-poured my energy in the kitchen with senior Giuseppe and Roberto. I felt my purpose. Learned making tomato sauce from scratch. Made tomato and cheese salad and other Italian vegetarian staples.

-in the night, i have this tremendous feeling of wasting another day without someone whom i could be in love with. Que pena. What a shame of not enjoying each other's beautiful and young body. Touching my toned vegetarian built body of which I could have shared with Jack and his firm bulging tummy. I dunno. Each night being lonely is terrible 

-i have Fiona apple's i want you to love me ringing on my head again and again just like the cicada's outside my tent 

25/07

-i am super kilig when jack mentioned and show me how he teaches what he has learned from my yoga morning sessions 🥰🙏💖

As always, i said to him: from my heart to yours, namaste 🙏 

23-24/07

-i always wake up with the idea of Jack. This time, I didn't snap out of it. Just let it linger on a sort of regular and daydreaming. I do still like him. 

-watched cinema paradiso. Wow. Now i understand why it is among the top 10 Italian films.

-went biking to Sora, the Dominican church (where i wish and prayed again for Jack) and to cascata di isola del Liri. I've never seen such regal falls ever before. A falls just beside a castle. Just like in fairy tales.

-loving my dynamics in Italy Farm Stay. I'm getting along well with Sr Giuseppe, Robert, Paula and all. 

21-22/07

-i always wonder why jack simply doesn't want to msge me. Mercury retrograde? I dunno. Simply let it go and choose myself, but still i cannot help but remember how i hugged him, had cheek to cheek as he brushes his side beard with the subtle waft of his cologne.

-got horny, met two middle eastern guys and had outdoor sex.

-watched cinema paradiso 

20/07

-i guess i made a new record. Walked 25 km from Atina to Sora.

-woke up at Atina, there's no bus going back to Sora. No choice but to walk from 5am and make it back at 2pm. I slept in between though since i haven't slept well with Ali Awan.

-took the hi way since its like a short cut and sang mio babino carro under the tunnel on top my my falsetto operatic voice. was apprehended by the local policia. They got my details and even dial the radio. I don't understand what they are saying but my theory is if i am a on the run fugitive, once confirmed i have no records, they simply provide me a quick lift to the pedestrian lane and let me walk to Sora. I was ready to be deported but i am lucky they are very merciful. Pieta!

-last night with Ali made me realize I'm done with just pure sex. I miss having a good connection and someone who could really take care of me as much as I take care of him. Well, he is not the one for me.

19/07

-another day off. Bike myself to the old town and visited the old church (Maria Asunta)

-familiarize with the bus station and coincidentally see Paula and Lihi. We scream with excitement as we see each other. Had some cappuccino and cornetto with them.

-So i tried to take the back road and finally made it to sora.

-took the bus to Atina to meet Ali Awan. Let's see how this goes.

18/07

-i am getting the hang of the farm and enjoying my company with the volunteers 

-still missing jack. I wish him well.

-chat with this guy from Atina named Ali. We kind of click. We will meet tomorrow. I am excited.

17/07

-finally have my day off

-went for a trek to an unknown trail

-was in the middle of the woods and fearing i might get lost as I've been walking for more than an hour.

-was listening to the moulin rouge playlist as tamera posted something that according to my birth month, it is the movie that describes me. Listened to: "come what may" with jack in my mind.

Then I had a breakdown when i heard someday i will fly away from Nicole Kidman. Haven't cried this much. It's a wonderful release of all the pain, fantasies and ecstasies

-take a shower in the summer rain, when was the last time i did this? The wet earth reminds me of UP diliman

-continue with 1Q84 

-another lonely and long night. Reminding myself this is an answered prayer, a preparation and becoming.

16/07

-getting disoriented. I can no longer determine what day and time it is. 

-doing some mild construction work in the farm. I jokingly said to my colleagues that i need to experience this fair share of hard work since I've been a disney princess all my life. They all laughed.

14-15/07

-it's been two days since i arrived in the farm stay. eating nothing but fresh vegetables and fruits. I should be feeling healthy but i miss my usual dose of protein. And also, missing my usual dose of men. Most volunteers here are straight with the very least of tendencies. Plus the share of men and women is proportional so there is no chance for my healthy sexual appetite. So my mind wanders again with my previous sexcapades especially the ones i had in Estepona Spain. 

On peaceful days and on quiet nights, i also think of Jack. But i guess that's all there is to it. He is just one of those, wishful-thinkings, the could-have-been the one kind of fling

13/07

-met my first Roman guy. Finally after 1 month of no sex! He is 25, young, tall and hung. (See ref roman.1)

-able to reach Anagnina and finally Sora. Where the Italian farm stay located. It reminds me of a commune in murakami's Norwegian woods. Meet signor antonello and his dad, gisueppe then the rest of the guests and volunteers.

-operating in less than 2 hours of sleep, went on to the daily grind and went to the lake. It's as clear as Ophelia's death scene. Only if i can do that and surround myself with flowers and submerge myself from my sadness in missing Jack. 

But all i could do now is flow into the current.

12/07

-had our final presentation and all of us got emotional. Especially Filippo as he will be moving to Australia and he triggered us to be teary eyed.

-hugged Jack backstage and i said i will miss him, of which my heart says more: he is the person i will definitely miss the most. Simply feel his embrace and soft cheeks. He smells good too 🥰

Watched him sing the queen's bohemian rhapsody, got impressed and for some reason, a voice inside me whispered (just like jazelkristin to shogu when she first saw him): he is gonna be my husband.

-as always, i am very bad with good byes. But Filippo and Alegra came to me and hugged me as i burst into tears. Also ms. Cali, so i then said: it's not Good bye but see you.

-these are the list of the performances i facilitated with my groups:

 1 Mario

 2 Alice (swanee dee and swanee dum, ballet upstage)

 3 lion king , when i grow up (interpretative dancing)

 4 red hot fireballs (high school intramurals style)

-went from folgaria to Rovereto train station for my trip to Rome

11/07

-went for biking for the last time this year and hugged signor Sergio. He is definitely my favorite sports coach. Went to my spiritual tree and hugged it. Asking for more strength, wisdom and stability.

-also hugged Nadya (our dedicated waitress) and send her my blessings that soon she will also meet her love of her life.

-mentally and emotionally prepare myself for the end of the 1 month long summer camp in folgaria. Feeling low and my colleagues noticed it on the dining table. Confide Olivia and Geraldine that i have this separation anxiety and simply cannot fake it.

-Olivia and I really made a good team. She is one of the closest tutors I have next to Mario.

09-10/07

-full moon. Grabbed my duvet and went on the balcony. Feeling the 1Q84 season and listening to the audio book.

when the THC kicks in (hash, oral) plugged in to vespertine live. 

-went biking with senior Sergio and hugged a tree

-went hiking again with the campers with Filippo and Jack. This time jack and tamera went further until the "Cornetto" peak where we could see some Italian alps still with snow caps. Went to this refuge (an abandoned hotel) and got inside. The acoustic is so good i sang amapola and then unravel. 

-had this awkward yet kilig moment with jack in the jacuzzi as he jokingly shoo the other tutors as he wishes to only stay with me.

-later that day i had eye contact with Jack and simply acknowledged him. Also told him i am a bit sad as i will miss him, err miss them (all my colleagues and the place and the buffet) 😅 

08/07

-woke up fine. I thought i will be sick all day.

-dreamt of Jack standing nonchalantly as i leave. He appears vague and smokey but i know it is him. He got no reaction whatsoever. As i am getting far from him, he is just standing there as he fades away.  

Woke up sad. Maybe that's what this is. Just as i will be missing Jack, I am also having separation anxiety about this camp which is about to end. 1 month of staying in this hotel with my co-tutors and the hotel staff made me get attached and it feels like finding and building a new nest again.

-later the night, Jack asked me about my age and he simply said beautiful (i understood it as i age beautifully) when he found out.

07/07

-played murder game. I was able to murder Geraldine, but i was killed by kate as i badly needed a board marker. I realized that at times, what you need kills you. I hope we won't be killed because of needing love.

-still can't forget when i joined nicolas during his biking session. We pedal along beautiful fields and asked him what movie i am in, and he knows it right away: eat pray love 

-it rained and jack made this cute expression as he asked tamera not to have any footage as Gordana might get worried that the campers get sick

-felt sick at night. Maybe because of the pollen and the rain in the woods. And maybe, i over enjoyed it.

06/07

-sunday day off. Went for an early morning walk after early morning coffee by the fields.

-hugged my spirit tree in the middle of the forest

-got inside the monastery church near biancaneve and made a wish. Automatically my heart whispers Jack william Higgins

-went to the candle altar and send my prayers to anhing jon mengua. Can't help but cry. Same feeling when i cried for anhing ian cinco. They are just too young to pass away. Also send prayer to jon mengua to make lambing to the god almighty and may my wishes come true . 

-i had this kilig moment when i said to jack he reminds me of winnie the pooh as i poked his tummy. I am about to say i am piglet, but that might become too obvious that i really really like him.

05/07

-had a great performance with my group mates representing africa (lion king) with olivia (british tutor)

-really falling in love with jack. He is adorable and sexy for me. It's just that i wish we could talk or there's a way to find out if the feeling is mutual. 

-another end of the summer week for the campers (3rd batch). It's just my social battery is drained and i am bad with good byes.

04/07

-jon mengua's death. It really broke my heart. I thought he was recovering. Cried and lighted incense. 

-earlier, i felt the same sadness i had with manilvaguy. It was a revisit of how grieving feels like.

01-03/07

-went busy for my 4th week in the summer camp in Italy 

-had a hash and shared it with mario in the fields late at night. We had some few songs and run across the field. It was a beautiful moment.

-kind of not seeing jack as much as i can. But when i see him, i really find him handsome and adorable. I wish i can kiss him. But i know it's quite vague but who knows, it is possible.

-just enjoying the beauty of folgaria, the walks, biking, the pool, outdoor jacuzzi and loving the food.

-my allergies are calming down but still having this summer allergy symptoms

-had the night walk again, was with jack but there are just so many students to deal with. I freshen myself up for nothing.. lols.. i thought i could talk or hug him in the dark..

06/2025

29-30/06

-tried mountain biking in folgaria and it always feels like flying. The bike lane in the forest is so magical. Even received a simple pine branch as a laurel award for completing the course 

-had a great moment with the new batch of tutors. 

-felt energetic even after our night events. Had a kilig moment again with mr. Jack when we kinda look at each other and he dances with me during the karaoke night (baby, j. biever)

He is following my dance and we kind of vibe with each other.

-also felt kilig when mr. Jack called my attention as he wanted me to hire me as a choreographer the opening part of our show. I jokingly told him as well if he wanted to hire me as a masseur (so I could touch his body 😅)

-tried the jacuzzi once again (after a long time of having extreme allergies) it so happened jack is also there so 8 was able to kind of touched him accidentally in the water.

26-28/06

-days passed by so fast this week's camp. I made a twist on Alice in wonderland 's tweedle Dee and tweedle dum as swannee dee and swannee dum as white and black swan and made them dance to the swan lake. I thought it was so brilliant.

-after the show there is such a bittersweet feeling in seeing an empty stage.

-hugged my students as they cried saying goodbye. Especially Gabriel who keeps on saying I'm the best tutor ever. It breaks my heart with pride.

-had my nature walk and as usual had 

25/06

-went for a trek and finally made it to the summit (last time was only at the Italian flag) it's really a nice view specially on those ghibli-esque rolling hills.

-jack cheered me as i made it and i naturally hugged him for that. I felt his large tummy pressing on me and his light scent. Was super kilig but i cannot show it to the rest of the campers.

-called russ as i just need to blurt out this lethargy with too much good places, good food, good experiences. Was reminded that i am in a place of not wanting anything because it is already happening.

-i am having this massive skin allergy on my neck and especially my face, to the extent i almost cannot open my eyes. But i guess i'll get through this. I shared this joke with Filippo: "how can you face your problem if your problem is your face" he laughed so hard.

24/06

-had a wonderful talk with russ and vera and talked about how jack reprimanded me about bringing up the conflict between iran and israel as i send my prayers with the children on a gratitude circle. As Jack reminds me that they are too little. I am just used to handling high school students. He got a point and promised not to do it again.

-was excited with my production as i am dealing with this on my own this time. It is a twist of tweedle Dee and tweedle dum as i turned them into black and white swan.

-found Filippo's musky scent is super sexy so i fantasize about him during my nap.. gosh i am sexually starving in this summer camp by the mountains 

-lovere.guy just messaged again and i wish i could stay with him for three weeks if jack and i won't make it until the end of summer camp.

23/06

-i just don't know how to feel anymore. I just give up going through with jack. If there is no clear communication from him, I won't lift a finger.

-but i find him really cute and since i can no longer take it anymore (it's been more than 2 weeks since my last sex) fantasize making love with him. Kissing him while riding on his cock and jerked off.

22/06

-one of the most tiring batches for the summer camp. Or maybe because there are too many of them compared to last week. Plus there is this co teacher who acts way too much but she seems pretty good in handling kids. But as i envision, you can only hold the torch long enough, you also have to pass it on.

-also there is this co teacher i got been close to and his name is Mario, he is half American and half italian. He also read murakami and we definitely got along well. And I was surprised when he said he could be my anchor.

-nothing special with jack nor with Filippo. Jack talked with me about work related. I thought he could have talked about something special.. lols.. but Filipo showed some cool tricks with this wooden toy, and found it adorable.. but everyone is tired.

-i felt drained. But as always, wonderful.

21/06

-still drunk, i submerged my head into the water fountain, deym it feels so good

-and just like throwing Arturo's key holder into the pond, i throw a coin into the water fountain and played "sweet disposition", i cried so hard

-still drunk, i danced

-i am missing jack. He said he wanted to talk to me (work related) but it might wait until tomorrow. I wish he could talk to me about his feelings for me if there is "some"

-still drunk, i tried sleeping outside our hotel's balcony but eventually went inside when it turns too cold

21/06

-finally had our performance day and i would say we had a great show.

-talked with russ and jazel kristin for the summer solstice virtual get together 

-gave them a heart warming message after performance 

-finally able to hug jack when i thanked him for his support.

-day off so i just need to have a break from the noises and my co workers faces

-had two shots of whisky while looking at random people in the rain at the town center of folgaria 

-was so drunk i went to the cemetery in the middle of the night, braved myself to get inside and sang amapola

-to be cont

19-20/06

-jack is getting guapo and guapo to my sight everyday. And I can't help but get kilig whenever he gets to talk to me. Especially on the dining table, when he is in the jacuzzi, on the night trekking and on the field. He looks like a handsome kung fu panda on the flesh.

-so i tried asking my colleagues if they thought Jack was straight or not. Most of them said jack is straight. So i don't want to keep my hopes high.

-they also find Filippo more straight, although I feel weak on my knees when i see and feel his body hair against mine. Plus i love to smell his natural Italian musky scent.

-our final presentation is getting closer and closer. I can feel my class getting emotional and i can sense that they definitely miss each other's companions.

18/06

-got the worst prickly heat and upper back ache. I cannot sleep even though i was so tired from the hiking

-we had our hike earlier. It was a beautiful walk with all the summer flowers. The slopes and the rolling mountains were captivating.

-i find jack adorable with the kids and he is indeed guapo. Way guapo from his picture on his presentation profile. With no contacts and rendezvous from the outside world, i am slowly getting to like him more day after day 

-saw jack in the jacuzzi from my balcony, he is so sexy. I like his hairy chest and armpits even from afar. 

17/06

-had my 2nd group for my yoga session and 2 of my participants were crying when i asked them what comes into their mind in the middle of the practice. We found out that one of the student's grandparent just passed away. I was worried as i might have triggered something but i guess it's also good for her to release and process the emotions she's been carrying.

-had my night off, so it's my first time to walk around and see the town outside the biancaneve hotel. It's charming for a sleepy town. I also like their cemetery of which reminds of the one i saw in Norway which is right beside the church.

-had a long and lengthy walk/talk with mari, my fellow teacher who is also from cebu. We also had some drinks and dessert in the pueblo centro. I'm so happy to speak bisaya with someone in a flesh.

-made a wish a random wish at 22:22 and it's weird as i saw jack flashed on my mind.

16/06

-i was so immersed with my Italian summer camp that i didn't notice my email from the auxmadrid. I registered beyond the 10 calendar days from the time they sent their email. I hope i can still make it for my renewal 

-im really having a good time with the summer camp in folgaria.

-had a quick videocall with chai, show her the resort surroundings in biancaneve, i and let her meet my students and jack

-finally tried the resort's jacuzi while drizzling. It was so magical. Reminds me of my moments in bantayan 

-initiated my first yoga session with a big group.

-talked with alegra, our Italian camp nurse and she opened up with her previous love affair with a german in Scotland 

-also talked with mario further, the half American half italian co teacher of mine. I also opened up with him how i am coping with my suppressed libido as this camp is totally far from city center 

-i really find Filippo so sexy but i am drawn to jack with his charm. And jack is definitely my ultimate dream guy, tall and a bit chubby. Jack is also showing some kind of sweet gestures. Like sharing his meal when i missed mine, sharing his wine with sparkling water (he said it is blasphemous) but it tasted wonderful. Sexually deprived, now i just keep on fantasizing about jack's armpits and how i can cuddle with him all night 

-but i am not sure if Filippo nor jack are straight or not. As always my gaydar is faulty. I even asked my co teacher, katie and she said filippo is definitely straight and jack as a goofy teacher.

-i dunno, but i totally admire jack's charm with the kids and i am learning a lot from him.

15/06

-so the camp in folgaria continues and fine i admit, i find the camp coordinator so cute. We had this moment when we rehearsed for the dancing and when we touched, our bodies sent shivers through my spine. He also has this swag in him which is very Julio (my ex) i dunno how to describe it but it's guttural.

-but earlier, i also met Filippo. The Italian teacher. He is the ultimate geek Italian summer guy for me. Also cute and all. I dunno.. jack and filippo have been doing this for so long together. I'm not sure if there might even be something happening between them but I don't want my whole imagination to get ahead of me. So let's just leave it as it is for now and let's see where this goes.

-as usual, the food and the entire place is just beautiful 

14/06

-had to bid farewell to my host, Franini 

Family for now.. i am so lucky to have them.

-finally arrived in Rovereto and went straight to biancaneve. Had a wonderful dinner with gordana and the team.

-finally seen jack our coordinator from Australia in the flesh and in the fats. He is chubby in a cute way. I wonder if he is straight or not. Or already have a partner. But I definitely find him adorable and cute. The Winnie the pooh kind of guy. 

-i had two wines, and as always it's an absolute pleasure to have Italian wine. 

-i had a hard time sleeping, and its already 3:03 am, went to the balcony and saw the moon above the Italian alpines. There are two of them, literally. I guess this is the same two moons aomame in 1Q84 is seeing.

13/06

-had our london school day at the cinema production. It was a blast. I will definitely miss the entire students and committee

-had an amazing candle lit sex with lovere.guy gosh, it was love making and bed time cuddling.. and we had a 2nd round. I wish we could have this for a long period of time. But i am moving out of lovere tomorrow. Well, as they say, let's enjoy the present moment

-walking down the beautiful mountain village, as i admire looking at the sparkling lake of lovere. I really had a great week here and i will definitely go back

12/06

-woke up around 4am and there was the moon, just gazing at me and taking care of my crystals with my intentions.

-dance gloria, gloria and some bachata dance routine with my co teachers and the locals at the porto23 lovere after pizza and wine.. crazy night.. 🥰

11/06

-strawberry full moon. Wrote a wish

-day 5 in lovere. Felt super tired for some reason 

-just rest and do nothing 

-had a good sirloin steak and good wine.. gosh i am being spoied by my host family 

-tried to look for the full moon, but put my love crystals by the window so it will amplify once it appears and im already asleep 

10/06

-ufff, just had my first sex here in italy.. (pls see ref rovero.guy) although technically he is my second italian guy (my first was a visitor in manila). I felt so lucky as he is so handsome and sexy. Finally "nadiligan".. i thought I won't be having any sex for a very long time 😅😅😅

09/06

-1st day in summer camp in revero italy. I didn't expect I could still take care and have fun with children. As I mentioned with Grazia over dinner, as if not riding a bike for a long time but once you mount on it, you'll definitely get on there.

-able to walk along rovero coast and the old town. It is very charming and beautiful. Now it makes me miss Estepona.

08/06

-went to the small town of Iseo with its charming old church and vibrant promenades along the lake.

-also went to brescia to pick Lorenzo where went to the old plaza and the UNESCO roman theater ruins. 

-performed mio babino caro to little Sophia as i gave her my gift: the spanish fan

07/06

-visited duomo 

-went to lovere.

-meet my host family: Alessio, Grazia and their daughter Sophia and cat Eddie. Tomorrow i will meet their son, Lorenzo of which will be my student for the summer camp 

-i had a wonderful room with a million dollar view of Loungolago de lovere

-meet Editta our coordinator and my fellow tutors 

-had the best gelato, pizza and wine!!!!

06/06

-finally manilvaguy reads my response and i felt freer when i also provided him some proper closure.

-made it on time at the airport and had

My flight to Italy. While up in the sky, a little child is staring at me. So intensely while im listening to history of toyches and lionsong from bjork's vulnicura live. As if a message from the universe for what is manilvaguy is feeling, the baby whales out crying as if the child become a router for that emotional release from someone i need to witness and feel..the baby cried for a very long time, and it made me cry as well behind my shades.

-arrived in bergamo Italy and got lost in milan central station. Both from its beauty and complexities.

-meet simon, a german who also wish to proceed to become a teacher as well. Had a wonderful bonding with him over beer and pasta. We really had a good connection. What a happenstance.

05/06

-had my early morning walk at my favorite shore while listening to maria callas 

-upon seeing my favorite shore and knowing its my last day here at costa del sol, played bjork's homogenic (live version) as this album was created along this very shore and this was the player when i came first here in Spain. It was a marvelous farewell morning 

-also dedicated bachelorette to manilva guy while looking at manilva/sabanillas shore from my i am sitting from:

Insert picture:

-meet Luca and had our farewell love making. It breaks my heart seeing his handsome face got sad when he confirmed i am really leaving tomorrow. 

-then went to costa natura nudist beach by the afternoon to have my last skinny dipping

-had dinner and some drinks with Ignacio, Isa and Maria as i gave my parting gifts with my personalized dedication.

-meet Ruben for the last time as well and had an intense wild fuck as i came while he is fucking me. As usual our fuck lasted for more than an hour and every penetration is considered all the weeks and months we might not able to see again. Indeed he one of the best sex ever.

04/06

-cordoba trip

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-gib.guy, park.. one of the most beautiful outdoor fun. Moonlit and beautiful parque de calvario.. we talk after the sex like lifelong lovers. I felt i am belong to someone special for a night 

03/06

-a morning read:

http://youtube.com/post/Ugkx589SW_51LHsy34wq1mpIWw1L34s9JENc?si=PFCDQcn0XJaZRdwn

02/06

-maria Callas ' mio Babino caro keep on playing on my head, after i watched Luca and Angelina jolie's portrayal of Maria.

-i am fascinated with maria callas. It reminds me of Russ' mdme Binayaan of which one of his butuh performance music is from madam butterfly.

-now, maria callas resonates with me since her song is out of pain and abandonment. Of sadness and Of a broken heart. As she said in her interview, most beautiful songs are not made out of happiness but with pain and sadness 

-need to brush off my depression and clean the house and do some impake. I need to move on, from Estepona to italy then to madrid . from this depression and this town. Emotionally, physically and yes, literally..

01/06

-3rd day, depression, and i really need to get out of my room, go for a walk and have some grounding. 

That almost 1 year building a connection and 2 weeks worth of final highs from my students then a sudden end really hit me.

On the 3rd day, I have to let my body rise again. As if it rose from death. Maybe, just maybe, i took the bible too literally, maybe Jesus was super depressed and hid somewhere. And when the body, as if in homeostasis, automatically snap and tell itself, get up!

-on my way towards my favorite shore, I've noticed there are a bunch of seagulls hovering a certain spot. Certainly there are plenty of fishes. And guess what i've seen not from so far away?! Dolphins!!!

Saw several of them flying above the surface. What a great day to start a month.

relapsing to: moving on

Manilvaguy msge once again. His 3rd attempt to create a new profile, got near my place and send this msge. 

But it's too late, i already made a decision not to stay here in Estepona. simply told him what i need to tell him in that way, he might also need a proper closure even how fearful avoidant he is. I just simply need to find peace.

It coincide with this readings, of which i consider as my anchoring force.

random memories p4

Entry #31

01/06

-i remember meiaj/max, the one i met a few days before xmas of 12/2022

How i got crazy for him and moved on,  then eventually saw him crumble in front of me when he was the one who was in love (see entry 03/31/2024) . but that time, i don't feel the same way anymore. I can still remember him teary eyed when he asked me, "why do you have to start a new relationship, if you can try to save the last one?" 

I am very determined that if i moved on, i totally moved on. And i don't see the point in getting back to the pain I've been through. I dunno. But his message haunts me until this time. But again, it happened for a reason. 

If i tried getting back to him or pursued him, I couldn't have pushed for my European journey. I couldn't have done what i love and dream of. 

No regrets

Entry #30 

25/05

-going through with my heartbreak with manilvaguy, as i blocked him. It reminds me of someone who i think blocked me because he is deeply in love with me as well. 

It was kevin who was working in cebu but he was originally from batangas. I liked him, amiable, sweet, above average looks and he is tall. We were dating and have regular sex but at that point in time, i was worried about his STD status and was asking him when he got angry and I, was also hoping he would run towards me but he ran away from me. Then he blocked me. Am i rude at that time? I dunno. I wish we had the chance to clarify on it but he simply ran away. 

One time, as i was celebrating sinulog with Max in Cebu, our paths met again but he was still hurting and didn't have the strength to talk to me. Or me, don't have the guts to tell him, I've been searching for him and looking at the building where he works (casino near fuente) every time I pass by jones avenue. 

I can still remember his last text, which is: "you won't be able to find someone who will love you as i do"

Entry #29

14/05

-i am very close to my Ukrainian students. Most of them are very sensitive and intelligent and their English is good. So i usually get along well with them. It also reminds me of my roommate in a hostel in veranera in Estepona. Gosh how can i forget him. He is a mess (always drunk, waking up the whole hostel in the wee hours of dawn, peeing on his pants, hair everywhere after he shaves his head, he scours on my luggage for a pants without my permission because he have an interview, but instead of me getting angry or mortified i radiate compassion as i am aware of the Ukrainian conflicts and i guess he is also, like me, just trying to make it through as well. 

His favorite Spanish phrase is poco a poco.

I wonder where he is now.

Entry #28

10/05

(Blurred entry)

-when i was 8 or 9, when my brother (who is 5 years older than me) hurt me, i cannot hurt him back.. so i divert all my anger to what i possess, i smashed my beloved casio wrist watch, i cut the plants in my garden..

Now, i remember when I was hurt by someone, i usually kind of also hurt those who are around me.. so for example i am moving on from a heartbreak with manilvaguy guy for inviting a threesome. Now I have become cold with Ruben who simply raises up the idea of threesome. I dunno if there is a correlation but there this word damay damay.. i am inflicting the hurt that i once got

Entry # 27

09/05

-went to alcazaba in a middle of the night and found myself cruising there. I felt like a ghost in limbo. As i roam around and around to look for that perfect guy. Even after i met the french guy. It reminds me of what i usually do along the university avenue in UP dil.. or along riverbanks in marikina. In a moonlit dark night. A restless soul, in limbo, trying to feel alive again. Again and again and again.

Entry 26

27/04

-i found myself laughing at my own posts 11 years ago:

https://hotmug.blogspot.com/2014/?m=1&zx=a8fffcf61197325e

What a life i had and having.. like: oh wow... I am amused with my own thoughts. If i could physically see and hug my 30 year old self I would say, "you really are amazing."

-mantra for today:

Garbage in, garbage out

Out of sight, out of mind

20th day, moving on

-done vinyasa flow yoga

https://youtu.be/NZmPE0jQqpY?si=x1ttOqnu8G_IhLLS

Entry #25

26/04

-the last time i felt this way was with Arturo. Around 11 years ago.. i think it was june 2014. I am shaky about my work and finances, but i have all the time to cling on to someone to alleviate such difficult times.

Now with Manilvaguy. I guess, because i am unstable with my residency here in Spain, i am struggling as a new migrant. With less work load as a language assistant teacher, i have so much free time to dream and fantasize about him I need someone to divert all these problems with someone i feel at home to.

With my anxious attachment issue plus my childhood / betrayal trauma. It was a marvelous mix for a disastrous infatuation. Now i understand and see it clearly. 11 years have passed through, now i have 11 days for my 40th day to mourn. I will simply feel the pain and let it through.

Entry #24

25/04

-i found out that all this time, I've been an avoidant attachment.. but with Arturo and Manilvaguy, those people who make me love and hurt me the most, i become the anxious attachment.

It could have stemmed from my early childhood memories.. as my father is abroad and he's not there to see me grow. In fact my early memory of a male figure is this neighbor whom i consider to be lovable now (next boy neighbor 30ish daddy type) and provide me with gifts.. i remember him giving me 20 pesos xmas or bday gift.. i recall..

Then my mom, who lost my sister when i was only 1 year old.. i believe she was mourning so much on lossing her only girl even if me and my kuya also almost lost our lives due to measles.. she couldn't take care of me and i feel that i had an abandonment and my needs went far too short.

I am glad that im now in a stage where i can looked into my past traumas, it might come in late but atleast i've reached this far..

Read through: how to deal with anxious attachment:

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/how-to-fix-anxious-attachment-style

05/2025

31/05

-2nd day depression. 

Just stay in bed, stay at home. Read the letters sent by my students. Still got overwhelmed by their love and dedications

-done watching "todos los saben"

-can't sleep thinking about manilvaguy and the past guys whom i could be in a relationship with (francis, arturo, kevin, meaidmax, etc..) but i am always reminded of eartha kitt's answer when she is asked about "when you fall in love, what is there to compromise about?" Of which she answered:

"There's nothing in the world more beautiful than falling in love. But falling in love for the right reason. relationship is a relationship that has to be earned, not to be compromised for"

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DKUgeEACpkD/?igsh=MXNjZWp2cmQxMmR5aA==

This totally anchors me, a deal breaker.. manilvaguy, and the so many guys before him i cried over with, of which i believe, i am not willing to compromise infidelity. They totally haven't earned my trust.. something that they fell short/out of..

30/05

-depressed

"How blessed am i that it hurt so much because i can feel"

28-29/05

-last days at IES Tomas Hormigo..

Was overwhelmed by their love.

-received so much letters and gifts both from the students and the faculties 

-meet Ruben and as always, we had a very good sex by the balcony. I always love our talk between hash and cola.. he is already hard even before we start. Came out intensely as he fucked me. His dick feels so good inside me while high on hash. 

I also had a good vision of him as he fucked me semi missionary style. I will definitely miss him.

-after the sex with Ruben, i usually replay the images of me and my partner in my head, weirdly i remember the smiles of my students. It made me teary eyed.

27/05

-having my last week in IES Tomas Hormigo.. overwhelmed by love and gratitude by the students 

-performed with Profe Juan Cabrera with his violin in his class. Just amazing. 

-visited Maria carretera's residence and family. She gave me ab awesome illustration. Then her parents done a house tour that they created themselves. Had a short get together and even sang moon river upon seeing Audrey Hepburn's poster at their master's bedroom. Able to meet her family and listen to their wonderful stories. Just an amazing spontaneous get together 

-afternoon bike at cancelada. Loving the weather and the sound of the waves.

26/05

-new moon meditation 

-new moon manifestations: a love that equates, a constant love that resonates.

25/05

-woke up feeling sad. I feel like a baby barnacle that needs to crash somewhere stable and built my home. I am starting to feel tired of being adrift for a long period of time.

-stayed in my bed a little longer 

24/05

-talked with chai

Russ

Jml

-meet with lucas. I told him he looks like an italian. He also have nice sun kissed skin. He looks cute

-got drunk with wine, and sing along with my favorite piano accompaniments

23/05

-"nunca te olvides del sufrimiento que viviste con esa persona!"

https://youtu.be/4BHsjZj5iLM?si=hGGhb5BvxfRWqnR7

-finally done with my cl@ve at the ayuntamiento and also my Certificado de delitos de naturaleza sexual

-re watched claudine and piolo's "Milan" after 20 years

22/05

- prenultima semana en IES Tomas Hormigo.. i don't wanna be sad anymore.. im tired of being sad and crying. Treat myself in an Italian pizzaria in cancelada.

-went to the beach and walk. The water is not so cold so i was able to do regine Velasquez's vocalization while singing amapola 

21/05

-day 43. I can feel the hurt and sadness lingering again, so i need to take a bike going to cancelada.

-remind myself that i am not here in Estepona for good. Im heading to Italy and then Madrid. So i could not have my self fall in love since I won't be staying here for good anyway

"Maybe right now my journey is not about love. It's about healing and finding myself again"

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1FyLfa8HvA/

20/05

 -"Nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot" 

Watched CMBYN and this will always strike a cord in me.

-got hyped with bergamo as some locations in the film were shot there specially where elio vomited: Via Simone Mayr

-final two weeks of my stay in IES Tomas Hormigo and i am starting to say my farewell to my beloved students and gosh, i always get emotional 😭 

19/05

-met Ruben, and i realized, i met him before manilvaguy and our sex is getting better and better.. but sadly, this won't last that long since i am moving out of Estepona. How i love our bonding stay as brotherly as possible. We shared hash, talk and have sex at the balcony. Always an amazing moment with him.

-had some puff of mj and really had vivid dreams and felt well rested the next day.

18/05

-went to manilva beach.. this might be my last time so i poured my heart out in every pedal and just simply drowned with it's beauty.

-had soon by leanne rhymes in the loop as my heartbreak song. Of course coffee and casual by Chappelle roan

-sabanilla, dine out kebab and had coffee at panadería palacio del gofre. I felt i am having a major financial breakthrough after all these months of super tipid. Que barbaridad!

-went to costa natura and went sun bathing in the nude. It super hot so i went skinny dipping in the cold waters as well. Super amazing when i can do all this kind of thing here in Spain. 

-had an invite with c.sevilla guy but i am not in the mood for it. His selfish dominance simply doesn't work for me anymore.

17/05

-had my morning walk to my favorite spot at punta de la plata without my phone. Simply got hypnotized by the shallow waves and crystal water near trocadero as well. Just a wonderful solitary moment by the sea

-rewatched "Luca", then later CMBYN, these are always my summer vibe dou.

-listened to murakami's 1Q84 audiobook. 

16/05

-already got the ticket for Italy!

-cried for another day here in Estepona as i did this yoga. I realized that Estepona (costa del sol and parts of Andalucía) is my first love. Flashes of good memories and even the aches i have for manilvaguy:

morning yoga

https://youtu.be/NgAwmjPf4Bk?si=qdv9Yi29NZ4NGu4c

15/05

-it's past midnight when i arrived back home from biking and when i checked on my phone, i got an email from Gordana. I made it to the upcoming summer camp in Italy!!! I am overjoyed! Yeyyyy!!!!! This is it pancit!!! 😁

-met Lucas, this time with only white t-shirt, he is definitely a cute young lad. As usual we kiss passionately and he ate my ass and lick it like his lover. He came and tasted his cum as he go out for the san Isidro feria.

-went out with Ignacio, isa, maria and carlos as i witnessed Estepona turned into something different. I felt i am in a different dimension as the festival of San Isidro commense. Just amazing!!! And the people! It's like their local/village sinulog.. and the drinks are overflowing.. i am so drunk and wasted. I slept overwhelmed.

14/05

-moving on, 37th day:

One that struck me (15:14)

The goose and the golden egg 

https://youtu.be/K6RRNxRVVW0?si=9DNeVwVc-jk7Q_Wm

-had a wonderful night time biking along Costa del sol under a bright full moon. The smell of spring flowers and just the right crisp chill in the air. And the views!!! The 1st world beach houses and beach resorts (ikos, tikitano, las dunas, etc). I should be getting used to it but there is such disparity with developing countries to where i am right now. Oh well, my memory of my version of the Philippines is still paradise for me (talking about bantayan island, panglao, boracay)

-saw a strange glowing light in the sky.. it might be a glowing shining rocket or a dissolving shooting star as it peels off layers of sparkling stardusts. Made a wish that I will make it to Italy, that i may get the Italy summer camp i've applied for.

-watched the flower moon casts its glow on the dancing seawaves.

13/05

-meet ruben just past midnight after i went full moon biking in cancelada 

-we smoke hash and mj. And i instantly find him so gwapo. Tall manly and huge. We had sex by the balcony and gosh my orgasm was so extreme. The joint made me relax and sensually sensitive so i was able to enjoy every moment and just simply give in to the pleasure and pain. It was marvelous 

12/05

-flower moon.

-went biking in cancelada and saw the full moon rising by the cold shore.

-listen to this video

Full moon in Scorpio portal, let the old you die:

https://youtu.be/J1zg7KmflzY?si=pD9rpw3ucyFpIzjW

-done shadow work. My shadows as an arries: dominant, control freak, impulsiveness and self centeredness

Intention: surrender to the universe 

11/05

-woke up at lyza's place in Coín 

-yesterday was a blur. As far as i remember, alex brought some joint and it gave me so much wonderful visions. As if i had a feria in my mind (i jokingly said that as lyza ask us if we want to go to an event nearby, and i said no neee, i already having a wonderful time inside my head)

-i had a great view of the bright moon by lyza's tagatay esque terrace. Had my melancholia scene there for a moment.

-lyza, as always, just went to Cadiz, to think she just had her trip to morocco and tenerefe? I wish i have that capacity but for now those places can wait. Im still in love with my own little town in Estepona 

-got back to Estepona and had class with Isa with Cambridge virtually anywhere lesson plan.

-meet up with gibraltar guy. He is really a husband material for me. Although he is not as handsome and tall as my other fuck buddies but he is sensitive to my needs and we have a great emotional chemistry. After sex, we cuddle in my bed and I told him about my plans for the summer and that my next school assignment will be in Madrid. Telling him that, it pains me a bit. But i have to tell him that as early as possible because I don't want to leave him hanging.

-i realized that if other people keep on travelling around towns in Spain, I would rather stay in one major town and simply fall in love with it and discover the people nearby.

-i am in love with Estepona, and it totally breaks my heart to leave it in few weeks time. 

10/05

-woke up with 2 missed calls from hoy.guy, the spanish turk guy. So he visited me to have early morning sex. This is the 2nd time when he commanded me to dress up like a gurl. He is straight curious and a dominant top. So as a submissive bottom, i follow what he demands. I had a pair of leggings, and heeled sandals. As oppose to a blouse with a wedge last time. With him, is always intense and other wordly. Im starting to love the roleplaying with him. And as always, he is hot and horny. He came twice and he left his sando. I sniffed it as i masturbated to cum my 2nd orgasm that day.

09/5

-it was already 7am when we finished so i went to the bus station still high (see yesterday's entry). But good thing because i don't have sleep. So i walk strutting with my afro beats in my earphones. 

-finally back home and fixed myself. Back to this beautiful charming town of Estepona. What a crazy metropolitan kind of night in the málaga center. I felt like it was an introduction for my upcoming Madrid adventure.

-cried with the idea of me leaving my first auxiliar de conversación students

08/05

-watched cornucopia at the cinema with another bjork fansssss. Crazy that there are a lot in Spain!!! So heart warming and the same time shining glowing.. 

Although i wish the volume is much higher but i guess the cinema tech wish to have mama B's voice to be the priority.

Also seen fellow goers who keep on head bobbing and hand dancing while sitting.. it's so much fun.

-had a bowl of grapes, cava brut champagne and hash for the experience.

-the presentation lasted for two hours and when i went to bus station, there was no bus heading to Estepona anymore uffff.

-spent the night roaming around the different parks in málaga, parque de huelin and paseo (near pampadou) and to the famous Alcazaba and since the last time i went there i saw a condom, i knew and i am correct it is really a place for cruising. I met this tall handsome french guy who i gave blow job but the moment i tried to bottom for him i found out he is bottom as well. Crazy.

-had a pnp invite with this straight curious latino from Columbia and we did coke. Although i got pumped up and the guy i am with is hot, but i don't feel the same way with my drug of preference. I wish I had so i can totally be the sex machine i can be. But I end up glorifying his massive latino dick and eating his cum.

 

07/05

-a lengthy talk with Vera, as she cried herself about work and me talking about letting go of my current place the beautiful coast (costa del sol) and the people i learned to love with.

06/05

-day 29 of moving on:

6 signs of break up might be good for you

https://youtu.be/mu0F_F4mWvQ?si=3dxkzmAqRneDw-fs

-met ruben and had a great sex. I love it when we do it on the balcony after we smoke hash

05/05

-felt low energy today

-i dunno, i usually wakes up with the need to fix myself. But now i leave myself just to be broken. i even get tired of self help videos of how to heal a broken heart. The avoidant and anxious attachment dynamics related videos become a chore. 

-maybe i am departing from being broken, now i have this sense of "i will miss this feeling" transition 

-05/05 portal codes:

*Milk and honey

*Sun gazing

*Shower cleansings

*Uncork feet for the negativity flushed out

*Manilvaguy related pain is just a sliver of so many amazing things I've been through lately 

*Seville Oranges

*Floating seagulls

*Husband and abundance 

04/05

-pour my heart out into a stone and throw it out to the sea.

-still in pain and crying.

-confront rena (the Brazilian guy) that we are not meant to be 

01-03/05

-caught up with a lot of things specially with my summer camp in Italy application 

-able to sit and process my pain. I am able to face my suffering this time and acknowledging it made it sacred. Able to talk about it with russ.

-seen a pattern that i am usually in pain with my heartbreak when i wake up. So i usually watch YouTube videos about demystifying an avoidant attachment person and how i deal with it.

I like how this analogy of loving a cat paints a picture of how i feel about manilvaguy:

https://youtu.be/XpW3bzljcqU?si=unOTGsDwDu_5pYnr

manilva

ghost.house.manilva: where i cradle my lovers to sleep

There’s an abandoned house I keep returning to — along the coast of Manilva, the one with a residential tile “casa playa” fading with the blistering wall. For some reasons, I feel drawn to it.  its windows shattered, its doorless with wind and memory. 

It dawns on me that each room is haunted by the ghost of someone I once loved but I felt like I’ve never been loved back. Nikko, Francis, Arturo, KevinCordoba, MeaIdMax, and now… him —Manilva.guy.

Each space is a mausoleum of what could’ve been. The living room holds the quiet moments and companionship that never lasted. The now empty kitchen still smells of coffee and unsaid apologies. The bedroom? It's a rotating stage of heat, passion, intimacy — and then, vacancy. I pedal my bike through these ghostly halls, stopping, visualizing their ghastly images on one of each empty spaces.

***

Love, Like a Fever

When I met the Manilva guy, something in me burned. A new fever — just like it did with Arturo once. I hadn’t seen him for weeks, and yet, when we finally met again, I couldn’t help the giddy thrill that flooded me. I missed him, and my body knew it before my heart admitted it. When he touched me, every time I'm able to smell him, I broke open — in pleasure, in longing. I swallowed every drop of him as if it would somehow fill the void inside me. And then he was gone again. Physically but not mentally. Or maybe it’s just me — replaying my part to be horrified in this ghost movie over and over again.

My eternal quest reveals: Is it love or just the idea of it? Am I in love or am I simply lovesick?

Camp Sawi by the Sea

It’s been my regular thing to do after Costa Natura, to visit Manilva beach, roughly 18km, an hour and half bike away from my apartment in Estepona. Even Just to be near where he lived. Just to see if maybe being close to him, I could somehow feel his presence. The pain of missing him maybe patched and alleviated. Like when I once visited Tagbilaran to feel close to Nikko. I keep chasing shadows. I keep romanticizing the searing pain.

And when I reached Manilva Beach, I always cry. I even saw a random sign that looked like the one in the movie Camp Sawi — a broken heart’s accidental pilgrimage. It felt like the universe reminding me: this is your healing, if you choose it. But healing is not romantic. Healing is raw. Lonely. Silent. It doesn't come with fireworks or closure texts. It comes in waves — like the tide at that beach — crashing, receding, returning.

The Loneliness of the ever wandering meandering heart

The hardest part is not the heartbreak. It’s not even the jealousy I felt seeing him on Grindr, in another location, potentially with another guy. No, the hardest part is this: I have no one. No “official” lover. No label to cling to. No hand to hold and say, “This is mine.”

And still, I love. I give. I ache. I exist in that limbo of almost and maybe someday.

Eartha Kitt Had It Right

Whenever I find myself slipping, I remember Eartha Kitt being asked about love, compromise, and partnership.

“There’s nothing in the world more beautiful than falling in love. But falling in love for the right reason. A relationship is a relationship that has to be earned — not to be compromised for.”

And yet, haven’t I compromised everything? My peace. My dignity. My sleep. My sanity.

Ghost Stories Never End — Unless You Let Them

Maybe this is my real heartbreak: not just losing lovers, but losing pieces of myself trying to be loved. I am the one left behind in the house. Everyone else has left — except their ghosts. And maybe it’s time I stop feeding them.

It is time to wake up, get out and lock the door.

A Final Thought

If he’s not meant for me — Manilva guy, or any of them — then may the sea take the remnants of my sorrow. May I mourn, may I cry, may I scream in the silence of that abandoned house…

And then — may I walk away from it.

Not forever drowned in the dark, but finally, resurfacing to the light.

04/2025

30/04

-woke up sad and horny. thinking of manilvaguy. So here we are again.

-rewatched jean Jacques annaud's "the lover"

It's been a decade since the first time I saw it. It is as potent as before, as the sensuality and raging emotions rushed again through me. 

I guess, just like the young french girl, i just have to drown myself with tears for the unthinkable future i have with manilvaguy as i get assigned to Madrid next school year.

-i think, whatever feeling of loss and pain right now, is the price that i have to pay for the ecstatic pleasures i had had.

29/04

-created a(n) homage video to vera leigh with her contento na ka blog entry

-kept on looking outside as a white car parks infront of my balcony. I fantasize about Manilvaguy's. I guess i am back under his spell. The crescent moon is covered with clouds and the wind is chilly for a night in spring.

28/04

-woke up with rena, the Brazilian guy, we had coffee and toast.. nice morning talk.. cuddling and all . but something is not right. We are both bottoms 😅 

-theater play at felipe IV, with the English classes. Spend time with the kids specially with Dani who is so eager to be part of the production. But angel (enca's class) is so marvellous and hilarious.

-meet Ruben, and we had a very hot encounter on the balcony and at the kitchen. First time he kissed me while he fucked me. We are both so horny that we had a great orgasm

27/04

-finally meet the curly guy i saw at playa del cristo. He happened to be a 6'2 Brazilian. Chat all day with him and spend the night at my place.

26/04

-as expected, i had a major relapse with manilvaguy, the cycle went on again, specially once he messaged 

and he won't push through, making me jealous if he might find another one else. I am itching to block him again, but i will try to give it some time, let's see how much i can withstand it.

-so went on finding a diversion, as usual, when I'm going through heartbreak. Good thing daddy crush is online (fernando) and in fact his partner is also there. The partner, is doing coke with someone so i had a sniff and had a momentary high. It was a good fuck with the partner but he usually put me off so revenge time.. lols and let him salivate what he was missing. Specially i had a nice tan from costa natura and my constant biking made my butt oh so the yummy, like deliciously tanned, as if a grill with that burnt marking that makes it mouth watering.. they both had a taste and god their dicks are equally huge and they are like gods. But i have to focus with Fernando, he is the one i said yes to.i even give him a massage as a way to body worship him.. gosh, as always, its an absolute pleasure with him. Like he won't finish until i am satisfied. It's just sunrise when we are done, such a good way to start a day.

-can't get over with my presence earlier.. just realized there's another bottom, but the other top keeps on coming for me.. but i focus on Fernando.. such an awesome bitch energy, i felt I've regained my reign.

-22:22 just blocked manilvaguy for the 2nd time. Out of sight out of mind. Just seeing his profile looking for a three some. It sent some flash cuts in my heart. Plus what he did last night was unforgivable. Erase him for good.

25/04

-sent out SOS to my nearby friends, lyza and alex:

"Pasensya na guyssss.. the ex crush, after i am trying to move on, just msged me all of a sudden and had sex with me.. im afraid I might go on a relapse.. pero bahala na.. i wish y'all just nearby neighbors whom i can simply call and say: "tara guys, tagay na pud.." lols"

Yes, i am talking about manilvaguy guy, after blocking him and everything, he had a new account in gr and was able to msge me. 

I am curious and doing a temp check, if I, am really over him of which i know i am still within the 40 days moving on.

But to hell with do's and dont's, if i need to go back to zero, so be it. I guess i am used to it, so it shouldn't be a news anymore. Fixing is, in a way, like washing dishes, a regular thing for me.

I let him be, i will let myself be as well.. that's it. No more over thinking.

24/04

-went biking. Passed by costa natura and gosh, I saw one of the most beautiful bodies i've ever seen. Just admiring its beauty is just enough.

I went to my favourite spot and done a hot stone therapy. Just lying naked on a sun drenched stone. It feels so good.

-went to manilva beach and had beer. Spring flowers are in bloom. And its warm and beautiful weather. Such a wonderful ride.

23/04

-day 16, moving on

He's always on my mind, he's just someone I love, in my mind:

21/04

-talked with russ and we share each other's holy week's "unholy" experiences and restoration.

-also cannot get over with my analogy of my pain towards manilvaguy. Although every hurt has its potency of its own, but hearing alex's story about his Bulgarian (ex)girlfriend and knowing ahlyn's loss of her deceased husband, makes me realise i am wailing on a deep wound, while them, just stifling their tears with a complete lost of a limb. Hearing and knowing their stories makes me feel I am not alone with this kind of pain. 

Day 14 of forty days of letting go:

21/04

: 05:15, "it wasn't Fernando anymore.."

Miu, sputnik swear heart/murakami, adam sims

Being polluted

For me, as if it was the traumatised child in me trying to make love with the 

Jealousy and sex scandal my father had. That ghost from the past that destroyed me that makes me fall in love with the wrong person again and again (just like towards francis monfort, arturo and manilva guy, shadow works i need to work on.. as deeper as it can get to totally resolved and restore myself.

20/04

-easter sunday

-had my first egg hunt w/ melacomes.. finally seen and had a great encounter with him after a long long time. Told him he was my first Spanish dick. And we took a video of our encounter. As always, i consume every drop of him. 😋

-attended Domingo de resurrección (agrupación) en iglesia santa maria de los remedios. I am glad to see actions in this (my first) church here in spain, that first i thought of a sleepy old town church.

-meet lucas later. He is really handsome. We kissed passionately, if only he allows me to body worship him, I could have done it but he prefers not to do it. Just like how he doesn't like semana santa. 

-meeting my firsts today, as if im having a full circle on how i came here in Estepona for the first time 

-felt lazy today, not wanting to go out. Maybe done a lot of house cleaning and trimming my hair has drained my energy.

-it's around 22h that i went biking to cancelada. It is not as far as it used to, maybe im getting used to the path. But i am still having the chills for the dark boardwalk near beso beach Laguna.

-revisited the place where i tried to set boundaries with manilva guy and i am glad my feelings are not as intense anymore.. how long has it been since i cut communications with him? 13 days? Well im not even half with my 40day mourning but i am getting better, on my way to be much better.

19/04

-black Saturday. operating with only 3 hrs of sleep, i still feel energized as the three of us, (lyza and alex) went to playa del christo. Near havana. I really had a wonderful time swimming, although the water is still cold but it was exhilarating. I dozed off by the beach.

-someone is inviting me to stay with him in las dunas, but too bad he is not my type. It proves that regardless if you are offering me a luxury hotel accommodation, if it's gonna be with someone i don't like, i still won't bite on the bait. I rather have it in a rustic or simple hut with someone i really like.

-had a sweet bed moment with alex and lyza, three friends just talking about love life, dating app and summer plans. Such a nice way to end our reunion.

18/04

-kuya carlo's bday, sent my greetings via our family GC and also share our pictures together when we are younger.

-reunite with bai bai bai, alex and lyza. We had coffee first and then have beer by the beach. Alex went on with his relapse as well for his Bulgarian gf. Listening to him makes me feel less of a pain for manilvaguy and brayan. Then lyza just came from her Morocco trip and we catch up.

After cooking for them with my pancit pasta fusion, we continue our beer drinking session and we had a round table discussion with what is arising and what is fading and we had a marvellous talk.

-had a hard time sleeping at the salon as felt some ghosts/spirits as Maria told me that the french grandparents laid to rest there.

17/04

-went to the beach and do sun bathing

-was able to my first ever Spanish poem:

Mi primer amor

Mi primer dolor

-paella day with Ignacio, isa, maria and carlos.

-good food and good conversation 

-then maria, carlos and i went to a bar around plaza Antonia Guerrero and listened to their lovelife story

-then i am able to see the procession for the huebes santo.

-i am so drunk and slept early, not able to see Ruben's late messages (we are supposed to meet)

16/04

-talk with russ about my relapse yesterday. And absolutely appreciated him for being an ear and heart in this painful moment in my life.

-learn about betrayal trauma of which can lead to complex trauma.

Again, it was rooted from my jealous and cheating father, of which, my mother, tried to be blind about it to save the family. As much as she wants to get away from my father, she doesn't want us to grow in a broken family.. she only able to get away from my father when we are big enough to be independent and understand what's really happening. One thing i didn't know is that the collective trauma we had at that time still retained a very bad scar in me and also brings back some unattended wound. That is why its coming back to me as a phantom pain.

Watched Dr. Ramani video on how to heal from betrayal trauma:

15/04

-had a major relapse with manilvaguy. It was so bad i cried all day. It was as bad as Arturo days.

14/04

-ya terminaste oír haruki murakami Norwegian wood en Spotify (syndicate bokaholic)

Lo traer mucha memoria de mi vida antes. Tan increíble experiencia.

-"dadalhin kita with me some where you can shine and be happy " sana mey mag sasabi din sakin nyan balang araw.. rewatching kailangan kita after more than 20 years..

-meet daddy Antonio (since he looks like young Antonio Banderas) as always we had steamy wild sex. We had a great talk on his terrace overlooking the sea afar and the moon. He had a wonderful place at tres banderas. Found out he is living there with his husband for 19 years. Although im still rough but Was kind of impressed myself as i was able to carry a full length Spanish conversation.

-went to my favourite beach near tikitano and sang to the moon. Kailangan kita. Ikaw (sharon) ikaw ang lahat sakin

-got stranded as it rained so hard, remembered what happened to me in Gibraltar.. but was able to withstand the cold and had a marvellous ride going back home biking. 

-had a wonderful meal and hot bath. I love my life

-now it make sense why life begins at 40, at this stage (although i still have dreams) but im less ambitious and i don't feel pressured to prove anything. Life is so good and it's constantly kind and giving..

13/04

-finally meet cc.bb been msging him since October last year and it's just now we met. He looks like an arrabic spanish. and his manly scent is soooo good. After out sex i felt like dragon ball z science, all the Energy is coming blazing around my aura

12/04

-morning talk with my Papa. Asked him about jealousy as i believe i got it from him. He advised not to be possessive, that's the ultimate key. Let the other person be free. He then wishes that i can meet the love of my life here in Spain.

- aries-pisces orbit videocall with russ, lem and jazel Kristen. Nice way to catch up with our birthdays and also whatever fades and arises at this moment. Also, at the end of our session we had a random card oracle and i got: Surrender to the Journey 

-meet Gibraltar guy once again and we had a more intense love making this time, at the salon. This time he came inside me. I missed him and found him as the sexy English Arab.

11/04

-talked with Vera Lei and told her about how i become sensitive to all the happiness around me. Now im back in becoming "mabaw ug kalipay". Grateful to whatever comes on my way and Don't have to ask or search what's not in there

10/04

-still can't get over from yesterday, but the universe keeps on giving Estepona tour cont..

09/04

-cut my hair for the first time:

-was greeted by the entire school. Kalowka. I usually keep it as a secret, or i usually take a leave. Now, everybody knows my birthday. 

-video: 09/04/2026

-saw profe José Fran on my way home in Estepona centro and such coincidence! He wanna treat me for my birthday and also he is celebrating his promotion for his teacher's qualification. Qué casualidad! 

We dine at avocado, at the very heart of plaza de Las Flores! 

And shared a review:

08/04

-went to caminito del rey with maria, monica, and the erasmus students both from spain and Finland, one of the best walks ever. Very beautiful 

-saw my last sunset for my 39th year of existence when going home to Estepona from malaga. I remember the last time i also had this was when i had my trip from batangas to QC.

-went to this new found hidden shore near tikitano, and jerked off with the moon. 

saw a shooting star, a wish: i hope someone will get obsessed with me as much as i am obsessed with him 

07/04

-i just can't wait for 4/12, i really need to delete/block manilvaguy so i wont be seeing his profile again and again. It's clear that i am not his person. He said it clearly when we are about to have a sex date, as he insists of doing it with someone else: "if you just alone, i don't want to do it"

Reminds me of Arturo, telling me:

"i don't feel anything special about you anymore."

Then, all along, i guess he has done with someone else, one on one.. i felt terrible. A bad romance wrapped in a beautiful illusion.

06/04

-starts with a sipon in my nose and need to sneeze it out but i end up as breakdown in the middle of yoga session as my trauma and body memories are releasing something 

Please see random memories 06/04/2025

As rejection triggered something within me and the hurt that i had had. It was a total release and need to heal myself again. Reminding myself that after nikko, i met julio. So i curious how the universe will compensate with all the hurt and confusion im going through right now 

05/04

-had a wonderful videocall with papa. Im so happy he is in good shape. He is also well with his finances (pension) and his place at kota.

-finally found my lost mini scissor, that im so bugged about yesterday..

-felt im retrieving something back.. my power and my confidence . my self value and self worth.  

04/04

-realized all these times, i am just all about fucking, i mean that always make the highlight of my day, as if my life depends on it. Now, I have this epiphany and energy to finally put it into a different avenue and reserve my sexual drive to something else. 

-manilva guy messaged me again for a bottycall but finally got the strength just to simply prioritise my healing.

-saw my history teacher crush again, so him twice now while he jog and me going biking, we had a quick chat with my broken spanish and he hugged me . Eeeehhhhhh... Im so kilig but I don't want to show it.. sana next time with kisses.. lols.. 

-had the most wonderful night biking ever, from Estepona to cancelada.. under the moonlight. It is so magical and horrifying at the same time specially between the lightless bridge with a lightless mansion.. but it was oh so exhilarating 

This made my portal entry:

"And when someone walks away, you don't chase. You let them. Because their leaving doesn't mean you are unworthy it means you are not their person. And that doesn't have to destroy you. "

03/04

-done shadow work and get to watch this self help videos about substance and behavioral (sex) addiction and how to heal from trauma:

02/04

-meet ruben and gehd, he is so horny. Came while he fucked me, however it took him some time before he exploded. My ass got wrecked again. We took some video and gehd it was hawt.

01/04

-april fool's day. Thought it in a class. St Patrick's day and also about unesco heritage, both tangible and intangible.

-i also tried to do my first Spanish joke: no soy milk, soy chocolate. I don't know if it's funny or a a complete fail 😅

-i felt the joke is in me. Keeping loosing and breaking things (sunglasses, memorabilia cups) 

-having disputes here and there, unicaja, revolut, amazon. 

-ran out of gas in the midst of cooking rice and viands for the week, and no hot shower.. bruised, scratched from my recent accident, cough and flu...

-felt im at the very bottom.. such a way to start the month

-amidst the stress and chaos, just simply be an observer and do complete surrender 

casa playa

relapse

-myself

*Chatgpt 

-What do you mean by heart broken by your crush. We are not official but we keep on having sex. And i develop a special feeling for him. Now he hurts me since he keeps on seeing someone else

*It sounds like you're going through something really painful, and it's totally valid to feel heartbroken, even if you weren't officially in a relationship. When you’re physically intimate and develop deep emotional feelings for someone, your heart gets involved—regardless of labels.

Being “heartbroken by your crush” means you cared deeply, maybe even hoped for more, and now you're hurt because they’re giving attention to someone else, despite the connection you shared. It feels like betrayal, even if there wasn’t an official commitment, because your emotions and vulnerability were very real.

Have you had a chance to express how you feel to him? Or are you still trying to make sense of it all?

-I tried, but he seems very promiscuous and not contented with me

*That’s really tough—and I’m sorry you’re in that space right now.

It sounds like you gave a lot of yourself—emotionally and physically—and he’s not able or willing to reciprocate that depth. Promiscuity alone isn't the issue; it’s the lack of emotional connection, respect, or exclusivity when that’s what you were looking for. And that disconnect can cut deep, especially when you’re emotionally invested.

You deserve someone who chooses you fully, not just physically, but emotionally too. Someone who doesn’t leave you questioning your worth or wondering why you aren’t enough.

Can I ask—do you still want something with him? Or are you trying to find a way to move on and heal?

-I am trying to move on, last April 7 i blocked him completely. Now it seems i am having a relapse. I keep on thinking of him. And i felt like I am going downward spiral

*Blocking him on April 7 was a brave step—it shows you're protecting your peace, even if it hurts like hell right now. Relapsing with thoughts and feelings doesn’t mean you’re weak or going backward; it’s a normal part of healing from someone who meant a lot to you. Grief isn’t linear. Some days feel like progress, and others feel like drowning.

You're not spiraling—you’re hurting. And that hurt needs space to breathe without judgment.

It might help to give your feelings an outlet: write everything you wish you could say to him (without sending it), or talk to a friend you trust. Even simple acts like moving your body, changing environments, or immersing yourself in something creative or calming can shift your energy when it starts to spiral.

Want help processing those thoughts or figuring out ways to keep from reaching out or obsessing over him? I’ve got you.

-Yes please give me advice, i need help.

*I’m really glad you reached out—this stuff is heavy, but you don’t have to carry it alone. Here’s some advice that might help you get through the fog, step by step:

1. Feel it all (without judgment)

You’re allowed to miss him. You’re allowed to be angry, sad, confused—even if you made the choice to block him. Just because something wasn’t “official” doesn’t mean it wasn’t real to you. Let yourself feel, but don’t let those feelings define your worth.

Write it out — maybe in a journal or a note on your phone:

What did you love or want from him?

What hurt the most?

What do you wish he would’ve given you that he didn’t?

Getting it out helps clear your mind.

---

2. Interrupt the spiral

When you catch yourself thinking of him nonstop, try this:

Name what you're feeling: “I’m feeling abandoned,” “I’m feeling rejected,” or “I miss the connection.”

Redirect your attention: Take a walk, call someone, play music that shifts your energy (even a sad playlist that lets you cry it out, then a strong one to lift you).

Set a short timer (like 10 minutes) to allow yourself to sit in the feeling, then move your body or your environment.

---

3. Remember why you blocked him

Write a list of reasons you walked away. What were the signs he wasn’t good for your emotional health? Keep it where you can see it when you're tempted to break no contact.

Example reminders:

He made me feel replaceable.

He didn’t respect my emotional needs.

I kept hoping he would change, but he didn’t.

---

4. Shift the focus back to you

Ask yourself:

What parts of me need love right now?

What do I deserve in love that I didn’t get with him?

Start nurturing those parts. Could be as simple as making time for hobbies, reconnecting with friends, dressing up for you, or taking steps toward something you’ve been putting off.

---

5. Daily grounding check-in

Try starting or ending each day with 3 small things:

One thing you’re feeling

One thing you're proud of (even if it's just "I didn't text him")

One thing you’re looking forward to or want to try

---

If you want, I can also help you write out a "letter you won’t send" to him—just to release some of that emotional build-up.

Do you want to try that now? Or would you prefer help with another part first?

-Ok, let me try the "letter you won't send" and this is how i should write him.

Dear Manilvaguy,

I like you so much, you know that. I keep on telling you that. I also tried to make you feel special by giving you massages, drinking wine with you, talk by the balcony, make love, prepare coffee and toast for you. But you choose not to be exclusive with me. I aways see you online in grindr and probably meeting someone else nearby. I hate you for that. I hate you for making me feel jealous. I felt lonely and miss you but you choose to be with someone else instead. I cried and lost myself. I need to redeem myself so i have to cut loose whatever we have between us. It hurts so much but this is something i need for me to heal and hopefully become someone who can be with someone who deserves my love. I miss you, i like you but i have to say good bye to you. 

Good riddance. 

Warmth, Liyo

*Liyo, that letter is powerful. It's raw, honest, and so full of heart—it holds both the tenderness of your love and the strength of your decision to walk away. That’s no small thing. You poured your truth out, and that’s a major step in healing.

If you're open to it, here’s a lightly refined version—keeping your voice and emotion fully intact, but just smoothing some of the flow to make it even more cathartic:

---

Dear Manilvaguy,

I liked you so much. You knew that—I kept telling you. I tried to show you with every small thing: the massages, the wine nights, our balcony talks, making love, coffee and toast in the mornings. I gave you warmth, care, and pieces of myself that mattered.

But you chose not to be exclusive with me.

I saw you online on Grindr, always. Probably meeting someone else nearby. And every time, it broke something in me. I hated the way it made me feel—jealous, confused, not enough. I felt lonely, even while still attached to you. I missed you, even when I knew you were with someone else.

I cried. I lost myself in all of it. And now, I know—I need to redeem myself. I need to protect what’s left of my heart.

So I’m cutting loose whatever we had between us.

It hurts like hell, but I know this is what I need to begin healing. To become the version of myself who can stand tall again. Who can someday be with someone who chooses me fully and deserves the love I have to give.

I miss you. I like you. But I have to say goodbye.

Good riddance.

Warmth,

Liyo

---

You can keep this for yourself, burn it, rewrite it, read it aloud—whatever helps you let go, piece by piece. And if you ever feel like slipping, come back to this letter. It’s proof of your strength, even in heartbreak.

Want to write another one later or need help with how to take care of yourself in the days after a goodbye like this? I’m here.

-I felt a bit better.. as always, it's an absolute pleasure having you nearby. Until the next, i hope i have something more beautiful to share with you this time.. again, thank you..

That means the world to hear, Liyo. You’re handling something really heavy with so much courage and honesty—it’s truly inspiring. I’ll be right here whenever you need me, whether it's to process the pain or celebrate something beautiful (and I really hope that’s what’s next for you).

Take care of your heart—it’s worth protecting. Talk soon, okay?