04/2025

30/04

-woke up sad and horny. thinking of manilvaguy. So here we are again.

-rewatched jean Jacques annaud's "the lover"

It's been a decade since the first time I saw it. It is as potent as before, as the sensuality and raging emotions rushed again through me. 

I guess, just like the young french girl, i just have to drown myself with tears for the unthinkable future i have with manilvaguy as i get assigned to Madrid next school year.

-i think, whatever feeling of loss and pain right now, is the price that i have to pay for the ecstatic pleasures i had had.

29/04

-created a(n) homage video to vera leigh with her contento na ka blog entry

-kept on looking outside as a white car parks infront of my balcony. I fantasize about Manilvaguy's. I guess i am back under his spell. The crescent moon is covered with clouds and the wind is chilly for a night in spring.

28/04

-woke up with rena, the Brazilian guy, we had coffee and toast.. nice morning talk.. cuddling and all . but something is not right. We are both bottoms 😅 

-theater play at felipe IV, with the English classes. Spend time with the kids specially with Dani who is so eager to be part of the production. But angel (enca's class) is so marvellous and hilarious.

-meet Ruben, and we had a very hot encounter on the balcony and at the kitchen. First time he kissed me while he fucked me. We are both so horny that we had a great orgasm

27/04

-finally meet the curly guy i saw at playa del cristo. He happened to be a 6'2 Brazilian. Chat all day with him and spend the night at my place.

26/04

-as expected, i had a major relapse with manilvaguy, the cycle went on again, specially once he messaged 

and he won't push through, making me jealous if he might find another one else. I am itching to block him again, but i will try to give it some time, let's see how much i can withstand it.

-so went on finding a diversion, as usual, when I'm going through heartbreak. Good thing daddy crush is online (fernando) and in fact his partner is also there. The partner, is doing coke with someone so i had a sniff and had a momentary high. It was a good fuck with the partner but he usually put me off so revenge time.. lols and let him salivate what he was missing. Specially i had a nice tan from costa natura and my constant biking made my butt oh so the yummy, like deliciously tanned, as if a grill with that burnt marking that makes it mouth watering.. they both had a taste and god their dicks are equally huge and they are like gods. But i have to focus with Fernando, he is the one i said yes to.i even give him a massage as a way to body worship him.. gosh, as always, its an absolute pleasure with him. Like he won't finish until i am satisfied. It's just sunrise when we are done, such a good way to start a day.

-can't get over with my presence earlier.. just realized there's another bottom, but the other top keeps on coming for me.. but i focus on Fernando.. such an awesome bitch energy, i felt I've regained my reign.

-22:22 just blocked manilvaguy for the 2nd time. Out of sight out of mind. Just seeing his profile looking for a three some. It sent some flash cuts in my heart. Plus what he did last night was unforgivable. Erase him for good.

25/04

-sent out SOS to my nearby friends, lyza and alex:

"Pasensya na guyssss.. the ex crush, after i am trying to move on, just msged me all of a sudden and had sex with me.. im afraid I might go on a relapse.. pero bahala na.. i wish y'all just nearby neighbors whom i can simply call and say: "tara guys, tagay na pud.." lols"

Yes, i am talking about manilvaguy guy, after blocking him and everything, he had a new account in gr and was able to msge me. 

I am curious and doing a temp check, if I, am really over him of which i know i am still within the 40 days moving on.

But to hell with do's and dont's, if i need to go back to zero, so be it. I guess i am used to it, so it shouldn't be a news anymore. Fixing is, in a way, like washing dishes, a regular thing for me.

I let him be, i will let myself be as well.. that's it. No more over thinking.

24/04

-went biking. Passed by costa natura and gosh, I saw one of the most beautiful bodies i've ever seen. Just admiring its beauty is just enough.

I went to my favourite spot and done a hot stone therapy. Just lying naked on a sun drenched stone. It feels so good.

-went to manilva beach and had beer. Spring flowers are in bloom. And its warm and beautiful weather. Such a wonderful ride.

23/04

-day 16, moving on

He's always on my mind, he's just someone I love, in my mind:

21/04

-talked with russ and we share each other's holy week's "unholy" experiences and restoration.

-also cannot get over with my analogy of my pain towards manilvaguy. Although every hurt has its potency of its own, but hearing alex's story about his Bulgarian (ex)girlfriend and knowing ahlyn's loss of her deceased husband, makes me realise i am wailing on a deep wound, while them, just stifling their tears with a complete lost of a limb. Hearing and knowing their stories makes me feel I am not alone with this kind of pain. 

Day 14 of forty days of letting go:

21/04

: 05:15, "it wasn't Fernando anymore.."

Miu, sputnik swear heart/murakami, adam sims

Being polluted

For me, as if it was the traumatised child in me trying to make love with the 

Jealousy and sex scandal my father had. That ghost from the past that destroyed me that makes me fall in love with the wrong person again and again (just like towards francis monfort, arturo and manilva guy, shadow works i need to work on.. as deeper as it can get to totally resolved and restore myself.

20/04

-easter sunday

-had my first egg hunt w/ melacomes.. finally seen and had a great encounter with him after a long long time. Told him he was my first Spanish dick. And we took a video of our encounter. As always, i consume every drop of him. 😋

-attended Domingo de resurrección (agrupación) en iglesia santa maria de los remedios. I am glad to see actions in this (my first) church here in spain, that first i thought of a sleepy old town church.

-meet lucas later. He is really handsome. We kissed passionately, if only he allows me to body worship him, I could have done it but he prefers not to do it. Just like how he doesn't like semana santa. 

-meeting my firsts today, as if im having a full circle on how i came here in Estepona for the first time 

-felt lazy today, not wanting to go out. Maybe done a lot of house cleaning and trimming my hair has drained my energy.

-it's around 22h that i went biking to cancelada. It is not as far as it used to, maybe im getting used to the path. But i am still having the chills for the dark boardwalk near beso beach Laguna.

-revisited the place where i tried to set boundaries with manilva guy and i am glad my feelings are not as intense anymore.. how long has it been since i cut communications with him? 13 days? Well im not even half with my 40day mourning but i am getting better, on my way to be much better.

19/04

-black Saturday. operating with only 3 hrs of sleep, i still feel energized as the three of us, (lyza and alex) went to playa del christo. Near havana. I really had a wonderful time swimming, although the water is still cold but it was exhilarating. I dozed off by the beach.

-someone is inviting me to stay with him in las dunas, but too bad he is not my type. It proves that regardless if you are offering me a luxury hotel accommodation, if it's gonna be with someone i don't like, i still won't bite on the bait. I rather have it in a rustic or simple hut with someone i really like.

-had a sweet bed moment with alex and lyza, three friends just talking about love life, dating app and summer plans. Such a nice way to end our reunion.

18/04

-kuya carlo's bday, sent my greetings via our family GC and also share our pictures together when we are younger.

-reunite with bai bai bai, alex and lyza. We had coffee first and then have beer by the beach. Alex went on with his relapse as well for his Bulgarian gf. Listening to him makes me feel less of a pain for manilvaguy and brayan. Then lyza just came from her Morocco trip and we catch up.

After cooking for them with my pancit pasta fusion, we continue our beer drinking session and we had a round table discussion with what is arising and what is fading and we had a marvellous talk.

-had a hard time sleeping at the salon as felt some ghosts/spirits as Maria told me that the french grandparents laid to rest there.

17/04

-went to the beach and do sun bathing

-was able to my first ever Spanish poem:

Mi primer amor

Mi primer dolor

-paella day with Ignacio, isa, maria and carlos.

-good food and good conversation 

-then maria, carlos and i went to a bar around plaza Antonia Guerrero and listened to their lovelife story

-then i am able to see the procession for the huebes santo.

-i am so drunk and slept early, not able to see Ruben's late messages (we are supposed to meet)

16/04

-talk with russ about my relapse yesterday. And absolutely appreciated him for being an ear and heart in this painful moment in my life.

-learn about betrayal trauma of which can lead to complex trauma.

Again, it was rooted from my jealous and cheating father, of which, my mother, tried to be blind about it to save the family. As much as she wants to get away from my father, she doesn't want us to grow in a broken family.. she only able to get away from my father when we are big enough to be independent and understand what's really happening. One thing i didn't know is that the collective trauma we had at that time still retained a very bad scar in me and also brings back some unattended wound. That is why its coming back to me as a phantom pain.

Watched Dr. Ramani video on how to heal from betrayal trauma:

15/04

-had a major relapse with manilvaguy. It was so bad i cried all day. It was as bad as Arturo days.

14/04

-ya terminaste oír haruki murakami Norwegian wood en Spotify (syndicate bokaholic)

Lo traer mucha memoria de mi vida antes. Tan increíble experiencia.

-"dadalhin kita with me some where you can shine and be happy " sana mey mag sasabi din sakin nyan balang araw.. rewatching kailangan kita after more than 20 years..

-meet daddy Antonio (since he looks like young Antonio Banderas) as always we had steamy wild sex. We had a great talk on his terrace overlooking the sea afar and the moon. He had a wonderful place at tres banderas. Found out he is living there with his husband for 19 years. Although im still rough but Was kind of impressed myself as i was able to carry a full length Spanish conversation.

-went to my favourite beach near tikitano and sang to the moon. Kailangan kita. Ikaw (sharon) ikaw ang lahat sakin

-got stranded as it rained so hard, remembered what happened to me in Gibraltar.. but was able to withstand the cold and had a marvellous ride going back home biking. 

-had a wonderful meal and hot bath. I love my life

-now it make sense why life begins at 40, at this stage (although i still have dreams) but im less ambitious and i don't feel pressured to prove anything. Life is so good and it's constantly kind and giving..

13/04

-finally meet cc.bb been msging him since October last year and it's just now we met. He looks like an arrabic spanish. and his manly scent is soooo good. After out sex i felt like dragon ball z science, all the Energy is coming blazing around my aura

12/04

-morning talk with my Papa. Asked him about jealousy as i believe i got it from him. He advised not to be possessive, that's the ultimate key. Let the other person be free. He then wishes that i can meet the love of my life here in Spain.

- aries-pisces orbit videocall with russ, lem and jazel Kristen. Nice way to catch up with our birthdays and also whatever fades and arises at this moment. Also, at the end of our session we had a random card oracle and i got: Surrender to the Journey 

-meet Gibraltar guy once again and we had a more intense love making this time, at the salon. This time he came inside me. I missed him and found him as the sexy English Arab.

11/04

-talked with Vera Lei and told her about how i become sensitive to all the happiness around me. Now im back in becoming "mabaw ug kalipay". Grateful to whatever comes on my way and Don't have to ask or search what's not in there

10/04

-still can't get over from yesterday, but the universe keeps on giving Estepona tour cont..

09/04

-cut my hair for the first time:

-was greeted by the entire school. Kalowka. I usually keep it as a secret, or i usually take a leave. Now, everybody knows my birthday. 

-video: 09/04/2026

-saw profe José Fran on my way home in Estepona centro and such coincidence! He wanna treat me for my birthday and also he is celebrating his promotion for his teacher's qualification. Qué casualidad! 

We dine at avocado, at the very heart of plaza de Las Flores! 

And shared a review:

08/04

-went to caminito del rey with maria, monica, and the erasmus students both from spain and Finland, one of the best walks ever. Very beautiful 

-saw my last sunset for my 39th year of existence when going home to Estepona from malaga. I remember the last time i also had this was when i had my trip from batangas to QC.

-went to this new found hidden shore near tikitano, and jerked off with the moon. 

saw a shooting star, a wish: i hope someone will get obsessed with me as much as i am obsessed with him 

07/04

-i just can't wait for 4/12, i really need to delete/block manilvaguy so i wont be seeing his profile again and again. It's clear that i am not his person. He said it clearly when we are about to have a sex date, as he insists of doing it with someone else: "if you just alone, i don't want to do it"

Reminds me of Arturo, telling me:

"i don't feel anything special about you anymore."

Then, all along, i guess he has done with someone else, one on one.. i felt terrible. A bad romance wrapped in a beautiful illusion.

06/04

-starts with a sipon in my nose and need to sneeze it out but i end up as breakdown in the middle of yoga session as my trauma and body memories are releasing something 

Please see random memories 06/04/2025

As rejection triggered something within me and the hurt that i had had. It was a total release and need to heal myself again. Reminding myself that after nikko, i met julio. So i curious how the universe will compensate with all the hurt and confusion im going through right now 

05/04

-had a wonderful videocall with papa. Im so happy he is in good shape. He is also well with his finances (pension) and his place at kota.

-finally found my lost mini scissor, that im so bugged about yesterday..

-felt im retrieving something back.. my power and my confidence . my self value and self worth.  

04/04

-realized all these times, i am just all about fucking, i mean that always make the highlight of my day, as if my life depends on it. Now, I have this epiphany and energy to finally put it into a different avenue and reserve my sexual drive to something else. 

-manilva guy messaged me again for a bottycall but finally got the strength just to simply prioritise my healing.

-saw my history teacher crush again, so him twice now while he jog and me going biking, we had a quick chat with my broken spanish and he hugged me . Eeeehhhhhh... Im so kilig but I don't want to show it.. sana next time with kisses.. lols.. 

-had the most wonderful night biking ever, from Estepona to cancelada.. under the moonlight. It is so magical and horrifying at the same time specially between the lightless bridge with a lightless mansion.. but it was oh so exhilarating 

This made my portal entry:

"And when someone walks away, you don't chase. You let them. Because their leaving doesn't mean you are unworthy it means you are not their person. And that doesn't have to destroy you. "

03/04

-done shadow work and get to watch this self help videos about substance and behavioral (sex) addiction and how to heal from trauma:

02/04

-meet ruben and gehd, he is so horny. Came while he fucked me, however it took him some time before he exploded. My ass got wrecked again. We took some video and gehd it was hawt.

01/04

-april fool's day. Thought it in a class. St Patrick's day and also about unesco heritage, both tangible and intangible.

-i also tried to do my first Spanish joke: no soy milk, soy chocolate. I don't know if it's funny or a a complete fail 😅

-i felt the joke is in me. Keeping loosing and breaking things (sunglasses, memorabilia cups) 

-having disputes here and there, unicaja, revolut, amazon. 

-ran out of gas in the midst of cooking rice and viands for the week, and no hot shower.. bruised, scratched from my recent accident, cough and flu...

-felt im at the very bottom.. such a way to start the month

-amidst the stress and chaos, just simply be an observer and do complete surrender 

casa playa

relapse

-myself

*Chatgpt 

-What do you mean by heart broken by your crush. We are not official but we keep on having sex. And i develop a special feeling for him. Now he hurts me since he keeps on seeing someone else

*It sounds like you're going through something really painful, and it's totally valid to feel heartbroken, even if you weren't officially in a relationship. When you’re physically intimate and develop deep emotional feelings for someone, your heart gets involved—regardless of labels.

Being “heartbroken by your crush” means you cared deeply, maybe even hoped for more, and now you're hurt because they’re giving attention to someone else, despite the connection you shared. It feels like betrayal, even if there wasn’t an official commitment, because your emotions and vulnerability were very real.

Have you had a chance to express how you feel to him? Or are you still trying to make sense of it all?

-I tried, but he seems very promiscuous and not contented with me

*That’s really tough—and I’m sorry you’re in that space right now.

It sounds like you gave a lot of yourself—emotionally and physically—and he’s not able or willing to reciprocate that depth. Promiscuity alone isn't the issue; it’s the lack of emotional connection, respect, or exclusivity when that’s what you were looking for. And that disconnect can cut deep, especially when you’re emotionally invested.

You deserve someone who chooses you fully, not just physically, but emotionally too. Someone who doesn’t leave you questioning your worth or wondering why you aren’t enough.

Can I ask—do you still want something with him? Or are you trying to find a way to move on and heal?

-I am trying to move on, last April 7 i blocked him completely. Now it seems i am having a relapse. I keep on thinking of him. And i felt like I am going downward spiral

*Blocking him on April 7 was a brave step—it shows you're protecting your peace, even if it hurts like hell right now. Relapsing with thoughts and feelings doesn’t mean you’re weak or going backward; it’s a normal part of healing from someone who meant a lot to you. Grief isn’t linear. Some days feel like progress, and others feel like drowning.

You're not spiraling—you’re hurting. And that hurt needs space to breathe without judgment.

It might help to give your feelings an outlet: write everything you wish you could say to him (without sending it), or talk to a friend you trust. Even simple acts like moving your body, changing environments, or immersing yourself in something creative or calming can shift your energy when it starts to spiral.

Want help processing those thoughts or figuring out ways to keep from reaching out or obsessing over him? I’ve got you.

-Yes please give me advice, i need help.

*I’m really glad you reached out—this stuff is heavy, but you don’t have to carry it alone. Here’s some advice that might help you get through the fog, step by step:

1. Feel it all (without judgment)

You’re allowed to miss him. You’re allowed to be angry, sad, confused—even if you made the choice to block him. Just because something wasn’t “official” doesn’t mean it wasn’t real to you. Let yourself feel, but don’t let those feelings define your worth.

Write it out — maybe in a journal or a note on your phone:

What did you love or want from him?

What hurt the most?

What do you wish he would’ve given you that he didn’t?

Getting it out helps clear your mind.

---

2. Interrupt the spiral

When you catch yourself thinking of him nonstop, try this:

Name what you're feeling: “I’m feeling abandoned,” “I’m feeling rejected,” or “I miss the connection.”

Redirect your attention: Take a walk, call someone, play music that shifts your energy (even a sad playlist that lets you cry it out, then a strong one to lift you).

Set a short timer (like 10 minutes) to allow yourself to sit in the feeling, then move your body or your environment.

---

3. Remember why you blocked him

Write a list of reasons you walked away. What were the signs he wasn’t good for your emotional health? Keep it where you can see it when you're tempted to break no contact.

Example reminders:

He made me feel replaceable.

He didn’t respect my emotional needs.

I kept hoping he would change, but he didn’t.

---

4. Shift the focus back to you

Ask yourself:

What parts of me need love right now?

What do I deserve in love that I didn’t get with him?

Start nurturing those parts. Could be as simple as making time for hobbies, reconnecting with friends, dressing up for you, or taking steps toward something you’ve been putting off.

---

5. Daily grounding check-in

Try starting or ending each day with 3 small things:

One thing you’re feeling

One thing you're proud of (even if it's just "I didn't text him")

One thing you’re looking forward to or want to try

---

If you want, I can also help you write out a "letter you won’t send" to him—just to release some of that emotional build-up.

Do you want to try that now? Or would you prefer help with another part first?

-Ok, let me try the "letter you won't send" and this is how i should write him.

Dear Manilvaguy,

I like you so much, you know that. I keep on telling you that. I also tried to make you feel special by giving you massages, drinking wine with you, talk by the balcony, make love, prepare coffee and toast for you. But you choose not to be exclusive with me. I aways see you online in grindr and probably meeting someone else nearby. I hate you for that. I hate you for making me feel jealous. I felt lonely and miss you but you choose to be with someone else instead. I cried and lost myself. I need to redeem myself so i have to cut loose whatever we have between us. It hurts so much but this is something i need for me to heal and hopefully become someone who can be with someone who deserves my love. I miss you, i like you but i have to say good bye to you. 

Good riddance. 

Warmth, Liyo

*Liyo, that letter is powerful. It's raw, honest, and so full of heart—it holds both the tenderness of your love and the strength of your decision to walk away. That’s no small thing. You poured your truth out, and that’s a major step in healing.

If you're open to it, here’s a lightly refined version—keeping your voice and emotion fully intact, but just smoothing some of the flow to make it even more cathartic:

---

Dear Manilvaguy,

I liked you so much. You knew that—I kept telling you. I tried to show you with every small thing: the massages, the wine nights, our balcony talks, making love, coffee and toast in the mornings. I gave you warmth, care, and pieces of myself that mattered.

But you chose not to be exclusive with me.

I saw you online on Grindr, always. Probably meeting someone else nearby. And every time, it broke something in me. I hated the way it made me feel—jealous, confused, not enough. I felt lonely, even while still attached to you. I missed you, even when I knew you were with someone else.

I cried. I lost myself in all of it. And now, I know—I need to redeem myself. I need to protect what’s left of my heart.

So I’m cutting loose whatever we had between us.

It hurts like hell, but I know this is what I need to begin healing. To become the version of myself who can stand tall again. Who can someday be with someone who chooses me fully and deserves the love I have to give.

I miss you. I like you. But I have to say goodbye.

Good riddance.

Warmth,

Liyo

---

You can keep this for yourself, burn it, rewrite it, read it aloud—whatever helps you let go, piece by piece. And if you ever feel like slipping, come back to this letter. It’s proof of your strength, even in heartbreak.

Want to write another one later or need help with how to take care of yourself in the days after a goodbye like this? I’m here.

-I felt a bit better.. as always, it's an absolute pleasure having you nearby. Until the next, i hope i have something more beautiful to share with you this time.. again, thank you..

That means the world to hear, Liyo. You’re handling something really heavy with so much courage and honesty—it’s truly inspiring. I’ll be right here whenever you need me, whether it's to process the pain or celebrate something beautiful (and I really hope that’s what’s next for you).

Take care of your heart—it’s worth protecting. Talk soon, okay?

resonancia: practicar con chatgpt

As mentioned before, rereading murakami makes me realize i am shifting my persona from the younger character to the older character. 

Before, i see myself with Midori. Now i am seeing myself with Reiko.

The cougar in me was validated and harnessed with Reiko.. and for that i even have to process it with chatgpt but this time, in Spanish to practice my speaking and vocabulary. 

This is our exchange which totally resonates with me:

****

-me

*Chatgpt

-ya terminaste oír haruki murakami Norwegian wood en Spotify

*No tengo acceso directo a Spotify, pero conozco bien Norwegian Wood de Haruki Murakami. Es una novela profundamente nostálgica y melancólica, así que tiene mucho sentido que te haya traído tantos recuerdos. ¿Te llegó alguna parte en especial? ¿O fue la atmósfera general del libro?

-Sí, especialmente un texto con Reiko, una mujer vieja, con Watanabe, un chico joven.

*Ah, sí… te refieres a Reiko, la mujer mayor que comparte momentos muy íntimos y conversaciones profundas con Watanabe. Sus charlas en el sanatorio, tocando la guitarra, hablando de música clásica y de la vida… hay una tristeza cálida en todo eso.

Reiko es un personaje muy humano, lleno de cicatrices y sabiduría. ¿Te conectaste con ella por algo en especial? ¿O fue más la escena que compartieron que te tocó?

-Sí, mi conectarse con Reiko porque yo es muy viejo y muchas veces conectaron o conozco con chicos más jóvenes.

*Eso tiene mucho sentido. Reiko también sentía que, a pesar de la diferencia de edad, podía conectar de forma genuina con los jóvenes —desde un lugar de comprensión, ternura y honestidad. No se trataba de imponer, sino de compartir.

Y lo bonito es que esas conexiones pueden ser muy profundas, incluso transformadoras para ambos lados. ¿Te pasa seguido? ¿Has tenido alguna conexión que te marcó, como la de Reiko y Watanabe?

-¿Supongo que si? porque para mí necesito viajar a un lugar que no me sabe. Y para mí, tengo, tienen mucho sexo con jóvenes y conectarse con ellos da muchas preparaciones para mí viajar en otros lugares sin saber.

*Entiendo lo que estás compartiendo. Hablas de esas conexiones como parte de una preparación emocional o espiritual para emprender un viaje hacia lo desconocido —como si cada encuentro te ayudara a soltar algo, a liberarte o a comprenderte mejor antes de dar el siguiente paso.

Murakami escribe mucho sobre eso: el deseo de ir más allá de lo conocido, y cómo el amor, el sexo y las conexiones humanas pueden ser puertas hacia esos otros mundos internos y externos.

¿Sientes que ya estás cerca de ese viaje? ¿O aún estás recogiendo más momentos antes de partir?

-Si me siente, estoy muy cerca en este momento y tengo cosas así para preparar mi viaje. Muchas gracias por tu tiempo. Estoy muy agradecible. Muchísimas gracias. Hasta luego. Adiós.

*Gracias a ti por compartir algo tan íntimo y profundo. Te deseo un viaje lleno de sentido, descubrimiento y paz —sea cual sea el destino. Que cada paso te lleve más cerca de lo que buscas… o de lo que necesitas encontrar.

Aquí estaré si algún día quieres volver a hablar. Hasta luego, con mucho cariño. Adiós.

...

órbita

órbita

from my best friend: Russ Ligtas

Here,

we had just re-unisoned from 5 years of unravel.

It wasn't even a real falling out—

you had to deal with a sweet adversary

I too would meet on my own.

We have tamed them somehow maybe even together. 

Now, 

it's obvious.

We share the same dominant romantic gene.

Dearest,

we have known each other since before our cliffs knew how to show off, 

while the silver fox sang the moon and stars into our plutos, before our fingers grew into palms, forming patterns—making the hugest of hugs.

Now,

we worship the same deities,

share the same blood and milk and time: our pain and joy no longer designated to the left or the right.

Now dearest,

all is love.

All is love.

---

For my best friend, on his birthday.

04/2025 draft

06/04

-starts with a sipon on your nose and need to sneeze it out but i ends up as breakdown in the middle of yoga session as my trauma and body memories are releasing something 

https://youtu.be/YtnUEphd830?si=XzZdVO5eczGI9dm2

Please see random memories 06/04/2025

As rejection triggered something within me and the hurt that i had had. It was a total release and need to heal myself again. Reminding myself that after nikko, i met julio. So i curious how the universe will compensate with all the hurt and confusion im going through right now 

05/04

-had a wonderful videocall with papa. Im so happy he is in good shape. He is also well with his finances (pension) and his place at kota.

-finally found my lost mini scissor, that im so bugged about yesterday..

-felt im retrieving something back.. my power and my confidence . my self value and self worth.  

04/04

-realized all these times, i am just all about fucking, i mean that always make the highlight of my day, as if my life depends on it. Now, I have this epiphany and energy to finally put it into a different avenue and reserve my sexual drive to something else. 

-manilva guy messaged me again for a bottycall but finally got the strength just to simply prioritize my healing.

-saw my history crush again, so him twice now while he jog and me going biking, we had a quick chat with my broken spanish and he hugged me . Eeeehhhhhh... Im so kilig but I don't want to show it.. sana next time with kisses.. lols.. 

-had the most wonderful night biking ever, from Estepona to cancelada.. under the moonlight. It is so magical and horrifying at the same time specially between the lightless bridge with a lightless mansion.. but it was oh so exhilarating 

This made my portal entry:

"And when someone walks away, you don't chase. You let them. Because their leaving doesn't mean you are unworthy it means you are not their person. And that doesn't have to destroy you. 

https://youtu.be/npAZvkcHYdQ?si=ZrUXU_UA2gLGsD_L

03/04

-done shadow work and get to watch this self help videos about substance and behavioral (sex) addiction and how to heal from trauma:

https://youtu.be/vJf9zx1V22U?si=bVuzhOyndv2X3j6g

02/04

-meet ruben and gehd, he is so horny. Came while he fucked me, however it took him some time before he exploded. My ass got wrecked again. We took some video and gehd it was hawt.

01/04

-april fool's day. Thought it in a class. St Patrick's day and also about unesco heritage, both tangible and intangible.

-i also tried to do my first Spanish joke: no soy milk, soy chocolate. I don't know if it's funny or a a complete fail 😅

-i felt the joke is in me. Keeping loosing and breaking things (sunglasses, memorabilia cups) 

-having disputes here and there, unicaja, revolut, amazon. 

-ran out of gas in the midst of cooking rice and viands for the week, and no hot shower.. bruised, scratched from my recent accident, cough and flu...

-felt im at the very bottom.. such a way to start the month

-amidst the stress and chaos, just simply be an observer and do complete surrender 

random memory p3

Entry #23

06/04/2025

-was in the middle of a  booty call last night when finally the guy I'm chatting with in grindr has arrived. And when he saw me he turn his back at me. 

Let's say out of 100 instances, this happened to me 10 times. So i should have been strong enough to face rejection, bear vulnerability and all, but every time it happens, it shakes me, it breaks me. As if i am completely shattered. It won't let me sleep sometimes. Sometimes it's better if they simply stood on me and did not appear, because the moment i saw them turning their back at me triggers a total abandonment. It reminds me of when nikko, my long time crush during college, turned his back at me after i sent him my love letter. Which totally breaks me for a long long time (5 years). So i would like to heal from that and hopefully get numb/immune with this kind of feeling and will take it lightly next time.

Watched pearlieee's lesson from rejection:

https://youtu.be/uSBnpwR-d9Y?si=ElDuigt2bcV-LGhp

I have to go through with chatgpt in Spanish so I can cope and learn Spanish at the same time and this beautiful beautiful ending makes me feel better:

"De nada, hermano. Para eso estoy. Cuando quieras hablar, aquí estoy—ya sea para desahogarte, reírte un rato o encontrarle sentido a lo que estás viviendo.

Te mando fuerza. Vas a salir de esta más fuerte y más claro de lo que quieres y mereces."

Then i remember kimi dora's ultimate line with ding dong dante: "rejection is the greatest aphrodisiac" 

Now i laughed about it, of which an indicator that now, i am ok.

03/2025

 31/03

- commence operation: reformation

I figured out that the way i love is the way i have sex.. so the more intense the sex was the more intense my feelings for this guy. Maybe because i grew up with the notion that men usually fall in love after sex (rather than we learn to have sex after we fall in love). So kind of trying to rewire my thoughts and emotions, to determine if what i really feel for this person is really "love".

Also rewatch "drive my car" and, as always, i felt gravitated by koshi rather than the main character mr. Kafuku. 

This quote anchors me: 

Kôshi Takatsuki: But even if you think you know someone well, even if you love that person deeply, you can't completely look into that person's heart. You'll just feel hurt. But if you put in enough effort, you should be able to look into your own heart pretty well. So in the end, what we should be doing is to be true to our hearts and come to terms with it in a capable way. If you really want to look at someone, then your only option is to look at yourself squarely and deeply.

****

Feeling at a loss and desperate about manilvaguy, but the only thing i can do now is simply look into myself.

03/30

-went biking again for the longest time. Profe Jose Ramon lent me his air pump so was able to fix the bike at home. Damn, it feels so good!!! But it was so tiring.. and i encountered a minor accident. Got some minor sprain and scratches.. i went to costa natura then to manilva.. just to have a look at how manilvaguy place looks.. that feeling when i tried to visit bohol tagbilaran just to be close with nikko. I felt emotional to the extent im crying when i reached manilva beach.. also saw a sign that looks like camp sawi.. it was a meaningful kind of moving on from him. If he is not really meant for me, then i hope i can heal and get rid of these mushy feelings towards manilvaguy.

-met calle tres banderas again, for me he reminds me of Fernando in Sputnik sweetheart.  Tall, middle aged but so handsome and big.. he is so sexy as well. He has a body of a fresh 30s and sex drive of someone in his 20s. Such a sex machine and he made love like a husband. First time I got turned on and loving an older guy than me.. 

-living the most wonderful life and its even just a new beginning, a rebirth for me.. 

03/29

-i remove manilva guy from my favorites.. need to put him off from a pedestal and simply let him go.. my heart is a bit getting used to from the pain so might as well move on.

- meet up with this hot guy (see ref: camilo andres) of which he initially just want to have blowjob but i lure him to fully fuck me.. and damn, it was so good. He is a young fellow and made love to him madly.. 

03/28

-my feelings for manilvaguy intensifies and i consider it as  another version of Arturo fever.. just consider it as me still having the love hormones and still doesn't undergo menopause in terms of libido and that mushy feeling inside my heart.

-went back to the nude beach and gosh, such beautiful bodies i've seen.. the imperfection becomes banal and extraordinary and sexy. Seen this beefy guy, the. The guy with backpack all naked.. the ultimate one is looking at me while he climbs up to his hotel room at costa natura.. proud and erect. Reminds me of Fernando, the Spanish guy in murakami's Sputnik sweetheart 

-meet up with this guy who looks like arabian. He is 42 and such comfort when i am much younger this time, i felt worshipped and pursued, he eats every inch of me, specially my asshole. He is a secondaria teacher as well but do sideline as a masseur.. and strangely, he said he wanted to migrate to Switzerland, as salary over there is double compared here.. bueno, tienes razon.. i could only nod in agreement 

27/03

-got molested. Went to this co Filipino who said he has an agency and some connections who can help me process my work permit here in Spain. He asked me to come into his place to review my documents.. upon arrival, he asked me to come into his room to rest.. then he talked about having this upcoming operation for hernia repair. He asked me to check  on his balls and innocently just check it and then he wanted me to get into his penis.. of course i sense what he is up to and since he is not my type, i sheepishly decline, as i want to fall trap into this victim-hood. it's such a damper when i tend to gravitate or becoming a magnet for these unfortunate events.. i demand for breakthrough gyud.. from the universe.. ASAP.  Rapido .  por favor.. 

For now, instead of getting crazy and traumatised. I consider it as a thought:

Just like beauty, this kind of ugliness is a symptom of life.

26/03

-i was totally sick and had to call Ignacio and inform my co-teachers about my leave of absence.

This is my first time calling sick as i felt nauseated and vomiting. It worries the hell out of me when my stomach refuses to eat as i will puke. Lord, help me.

-had some warm showers and coffee but instead of getting alert, i felt sleepy. Took a rest and when i woke up, thank God i am feeling better. i thought it's really the end of me

24-25/03

-shadow working. Now i was able to pinpoint what I'm going through these reflective days in the midst of mercury retrograde: insecurity.

Insecure that i don't have a longtime life partner. I kept on brushing it aside as i felt i am better off alone and i am totally fine lingering in the world of "single blessedness".. but what my inclination is always leaning towards having someone. 

So all this time, i am totally not lovesick (although yes, i felt heartbroken and crazy jealous with manilvaguy) but it boils down to the fact, i am lovelife-less, i have no "official" lover. Although i have some boyfriends once in a while but they are just fuck buddies and now my heart is demanding more of the constant domesticated companion rather than my usual libido release surges. 

High Libido issue. Sexual compulsion:

https://www.healthline.com/health/high-libido#see-a-doctor

Of which is a constant theme for the past 8 years!!! Right after my last official relationship (with Gerald.)

It's just frustrating because, why do i feel this way, feelings of abundant love hormones but finding no one to reciprocate it with me. Again, what i can do is hope, and simply trust the universe that in time, that person will soon discover me.

Revisit this YouTube clip from 8 years ago, about this spanish ceramicist and  finding the love of his life:

https://youtu.be/1HtZDtzb-sI?si=xcHaq6ilR2PP6xr3

23/03

-simply slow down, although the anxious part of me keeps on thinking about my offer at clickidiomas for an indefinite contract but it doesn't work for me since it requires me to go back home to the Philippines.. the round trip tickets are way tooo expensive and i still have payable(s). So logistically it's not plausible. Deym with this work permit.

-my plan A is to find summer jobs here in Spain until my start of a new term in October. Plan B is to stay in Norway with the Lasam-Bergtuns.

-trying to teach my heart not to be arrogant and go through with this madness and sadness of letting go of this place (Maria's, estepona), my budding romance with brayan, the sea.. as my contract here in Andalusia is coming to an end.

20-22/03

-Went through my 3 day retreat and simply melt into these enriching experiences

*Early morning beach walk

 -been weeks since it keeps on raining. Finally there is a hint of sun. Went to the beach and saw a dead sea gull. First time to see it up close and wonder what its caused of death. Put a shinny bean shape pebble on its still opened eye. Say some prayer and may its energy keeps on fluttering by

-went into a flowing stream and visualise my dark past and raging trauma flow into the sea: from my trauma with Jane rojo and rahim/fahim malik, may the waters heal me and bring forth much amazing love, kindness and prosperity..

*Yoga

*Self massage with drift woods

*Somatic therapy

*Kabbalah workshop enlightenment :

https://youtu.be/UcK5rht49-A?si=JOC2FoxhOdbVCNgI

-had a great talk with russ and vera

-greet jazel Kristen happy birthday 21/03

17-19/03

-guided meditation mantra:

Trust the timing and unfolding of your life

-finally meet brayan porras once again, and we stayed and shared my place like honeymooners for 3 days.. i love the feeling to be in this kind of relationship again, although we are not official but that sense of domesticated lovers: cooking, drinking, watching films, having great sex and talk while walking by the beach, as i brought him to my favourite beach spot. I wish he could be the one. Even the thought of manilva guy is nothing compared to this moments with brayan. His baby face and pouting lips when he sleeps. His manly scent, nice body.. gosh, what else can i ask for? Im lucky.

16/03

-called mamu, she's getting beautiful with her latest cauterisation treatment. Told her about my worries and sadness for my renewal and that i will be leaving this beautiful place in Estepona behind 

-rain rain rain

-i had my bout of jealousy with the manilva guy just seeing him on grindr, moved to a different location, same location with a bottom. Plus got anxious as all of my 3 tutorial students got cancelled this week. relapse with my chem use emerge as i try to numb my pain. Use the remaining item i had from Fuengirola and just had a solo session in my room. Try to heal myself with the live utopia performances of bjork.

-i really have to move on with manilva guy and have to move on fast. Its consuming me badly 

-i am officially depressed 

15/03

-maxxxx's birthday, greeted her and hoped to celebrate with her when she comes to work in Germany soon 

-went to costa natura for the 2nd time and for the first time, have it all out. First time to be naked and be one with nature.. feels liberating and wonderful.. to feel the skin all over me and have it warmed my genitals for the first time in my entire life.

-gosh saw yummy guys naked, especially the middle-aged guy with a huge dick. Also saw a totally hot dude, sitting with his humangoes uncut dick dangling on his folding chair. The ultimate guy on the beach but i guess he is a straight guy.  Then the middle-aged guy with an Italian look, the one i saw yesterday, seems to be a thirst trap but his dick is really huge and engorged. I really wanna try it.. ahahha but to no avail. Then I met a cute one, he is on the chubby side but he is my type. There was a push and pull moment until i finally approached him and found out he is from malaga. I was able to practice my Spanish with him and i said "quiero comer tu polla" so we went to the hidden coves and suck his beautiful cock and later asked him to fuck me. It was a quick yet intense moment and he came inside me of which i later tasted his cum. I went home with a slimy cum in my ass.

-im totally out of control with manilvaguy and sent him some weird msges in gr. My infatuation for him is totally out of control and i guess he is more taken aback and turned off.

-tried to get off with my heartache with manilvaguy so i also sorted out the thing i can, invited ruben as he happened to be in Estepona and had wild sex with him. To kind of get even with manilvaguy if he is having sex with someone. I get horny and came as ruben fucked me but i can't get manilvaguy out of my mind.

14/03

-watched harold and Maude. One of the best classics I've seen. I watched it without taking a break or pauses, so for me, it is really a good film.

-first ever to visit a nudist beach. I am not totally comfortable to be all out so i still have my trunks on. Saw a middle age guy.. not so young but he has a huge dick. Keeps on passing by on me. I'm turned on but he seems to be just simply having his own thing. An old horny Spanish guy joined me. I thought he just wanted to chill out with me but it turned out he wanted to have a hand and oral job in public. I was able to practice my Spanish and simply be cool and casually said no. I love it, no hurt feelings.

-Fantasied about the middle aged huge dick

13/03

-woke up with the manilva guy and got horny again, we made love again and i had my greatest orgasm while I sat on him. He looked sexy while he came again inside my mouth. How i wish I could sleep with him all day long but i have work and he has a check up. I hope his thyroid findings will turn out to be fine. I prepared coffee and toast for him but he is on a 12hr fasting. Kissed him goodbye on the early rainy morn.

-felt back into my elements.. and as what russ has shared with me of getting the nutrients and the goodness of the fountain of youth out from a good sex, i felt full of vigour.

-i am not sure maybe because my feeling of sadness to the idea of impermanence leads to this tedtalk of a death doula:

https://youtu.be/IkeuKPZxEhM?si=LLSz_qNvEwRE52ft

Of how we prepare ourselves for our imminent passing  and how this statement became one of compass: "We highlight what we have to do to feel worthy rather than who we get to be"

I also love how she re-frames my idea of passing your legacy, it can be as simple as waving and delighting the people around you. The seeds of inspiration you can germinate in a child's heart.

It is indeed life changing.

12/03

-finally meet with manilvaguy after more than 2 weeks of not seeing each other. I really miss him and just seeing him makes me giddy and horny at the same time. Had orgasm while he fucked me the i swallow his cum as he burst inside my mouth.

Gave him a good massage and he slept instantly while me, im just savouring cuddling him and have this body recharge even if it's hard for me to sleep while he is snoring.

10-11/13

-finally done watching anora. So yeah, mikey madison deserved the oscars as she portrayed her role very well. And yes, i also love the bar ass movie. 

-simply stayed at home as if it's been two weeks since it's been raining here in costa del sol. Reminds me of the tropical rains in the Philippines.

-kept on hoarding groceries.. i dunno why, i just filled my fridge with lots of goodies.

-kept on listening to Samara Joy and her jazz voice is incredible. Listened with wine and cheese.

09/03

-feels backward today. Had 3 potential encounters but all back out for some reasons.

-its a rainy sunday and i thought it was filled with steamy sex?! But it's one of those days.

-had my highest pay ever, 70 eur for an hour of body wellness massage. It was a shot in the dark client in grindr and im lucky he is decent and sticks to his promise. I hope he gets revitalised with my therapeutic stretching and Reiki. And hopefully he will become a regular client

-taught Isa how to create a story and how to create a blogspot for an online journal. It's like passing the baton for future writers.

08/03

-inspired again by kazane windy, my inspiration to learn Reiki and had the privileged as my partner for an eye to eye interactive healing in sol sierra. She talks about figuring what your soul really wants can take 15 years and it's totally fine to simply breathe in on the process and enjoy the journey.

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/19ArBbTCsf/

02/03

-finally meet ale blanco once again (pls see reference..) he is reeaaalllyyy sexy. If i have to cheat with manilvaguy or brayaaan, he is worth it. Since I'm not officially taken I might as well open my doors for this meet up. He is really the ultimate sex god. I love every inch of him and his musky smell is to die for.. And he came inside me. I wish I could be pregnant so he could become the father of my future children.. lols.. in cloud 9!

01/03

-listened to elis regina and Antonio carlos jobim's aguas de Marco

"the promise of spring

And the river bank talks of the waters of March

It's the promise of life, it's the joy in your heart"

-finally watched jamón jamón.. Dios mio, que fuerte!

-videocall with quadro dedes. Catching up with them makes me not so far away from home.

-lay low on sex and just simply enjoy the cloudy weather. Watched japanese film: " the bread of happiness" and was struck with the thought that you will definitely struggle and it takes intense vulnerability to be happy, it will come as long as you are alive.

-always get reminded that it's not the destination but it's the journey, wherever i am right now, i chose to be happy and simply believe that the universe is kind and caring.

-ale blanco is supposed to meet me however my landlady is around. Felt frustrated as for all the days he could have come, why now that my place is not available? Cannot sleep thinking of this.

anthology of dreams: 10/2024 - 03/2025

 30/03

-vivid dreams. With russ and vera. We are doing a tiktok dance move with a really nice background.. a dried up tree on a hill with a cloud behind, so as if the tree has a bulbous leaf of a pinkish cloud. Very magical.. we are trying our best as we want to uplift ourselves as ex upstage members.. then vera went to solo performance with light show, different version of herself with different persona projected to her.. like the i'm a bitch a mother im sister kind of performance art... Then russ see me with the guys he've been seeing (sex), so now he have to see his guys for sexcapade as well. On my way, went to the nearby beach and saw my father hair trimmed and coloured, he looks half his age, and i saw him preparing some kakanin for breakfast so i got some, a bibinka in a form of square leche flan. Then i saw russ again, he is now going for cruising and saw all Pinoy guys, young

And horny.. went to this abandoned tenement by the sea and go upstairs where they're hide is out is. There, nakahilira, as if in a sardine can, guys doing 69, with only hanging clothes on clips as covers, i even tried to fix the covers so they won't be seen from the passerby outside.. then finally, saw them burst to orgasm, almost all of them instantaneously 8 or 12 pairs? Altogether. Seeing some of their mouths full of cum. And i wake up

26/03

(Blasphemous content)

This one of the most weirdest dream. And vivid 

Letting a statue of roman goddess looking virgin mary penetrate on me while hearing hail mary mother of god prayer while i kill it? And its feet dipped in a sacred holy bloodied water.. i can feel its penile hardness like crude marble entered within me and when i killed it, i tried to get free and run into the sea . I saw someone, im not sure if it is my mom but she she is calling me over but i ran out, out going to the sea (our Madridejos home) and woke up feeling weird.

17/02

-woke up with a vivid dream. Being with Imelda Marcos in a shared uber, she asked if we can have the trip ride for much less.. then the rider not letting go of me, even if i was able to pay my share.. then he raped me. He is a man with syphilis but good thing i was able to escape. And i woke up.

***

!/?

There was this lot that has a grand aquatic garden with huge trumpet fish in it, as big as a whale. And other huge fishes swimming as if floating in a water with such clarity. I then said to the caretaker that i will buy this property as i will put my future hostel in it

09/01

Xmas

Lola consor sent the radio for uncle ronnie as sta Claus sent it to them seeing our dog, can it be my Sherlock.. then it flew like a carpet dragon . All of us cry with happiness 

2025

02/12

Dreamt of family attempted murder because of land? Property? Or disappointments?.. i wake up and sleep again but the killings But the dream of killings continue.. of my friends.. as they lost their jobs.. and i have with them ornamental plants symbolises each one of them,

Then later i dreamt of my lola nene,  almost a century old champion and my father who guided me where to find the nourishment filled earth for planting these plants, right at the back by yard.. with flowing water..  red flower 

15/11

Dreamt about pjames. And he was playing with someone i played with in the past .. i felt a bit jealous.. then i never knew he also saw me. He messaged me why i didn't come to see him. I terribly miss him.

-dreamt of going to Starbucks and they have now the latest iphone as for grabs for display .. maybe just like their organisers of which u'll get once u completed the stickers. But i took one out of necessity? I felt like a thief and i felt i wanted and deserve more. I need to take good pictures and i have to learn apple ecosystem for work.

12/11

-dreamed of tsunami.. i was with my mother and she is holding my hand when felt a shudder on sea earth's mantle when waves are crashing in.. i dunno what it signifies but i came across a post from my socmed feeds that it signifies major changes in life. And i hope it's for the better if not for the best..

23/10

I fell in love with a cute human fish 

Cried when it turned into water

50373

Effortt Thailand

this reminds me of camp sawi

Random Memories P.2

entry #22

Spain

-had this heart to heart talk again with Russ via messenger in NY, how i am now attracted to manilvaguy who is trying to hook me up with another guy for a threesome. confessed to Russ on how, or where, all my past trauma was rooted. why I tend to get attracted to someone who i have issues with.

i remember when my mother came to me crying and she let me see my father's newly bought VHS camcorder, i was about 7 or 8 years old that time. My father just arrived from abroad and he usually stay in Manila to have some good times before going home to us in Cebu. There in the camcorder is a sex video of my father with another lady. having sex. I dunno what's with my mother why she let me see it, she might got overwhelmed with jealousy and anger that she forgot i am a minor, she must be drenched in darkness and need someone, even her own little child, to simply bask and share it with her.

that moment, i don't know how to react but i know how terrible my mum must felt. i also didn't know that it grew on me as i tried to understand it and as growing human, tried to make sense of it and fix it even if i am entirely helpless that time. the tainting of my innocence. So russ told me that's where the feeling of familiarity was rooted and even laugh jokingly how our parents (irresponsibly) cause so much troubles toward us.

Now i understand why i tend to get attracted to guys who usually have the red flag of being promiscuous and unfaithful. as it drives me back to this memory, to where it started: the whole pattern of trying to make sense of it and trying to fix it. as if trying to fix that person can fix the small traumatised child inside me. i started crying like a baby.

entry #21

up until now, im trying to remember whom i hurt before that might have cursed me t not to be in a good relationship until now. 

all of the sudden, i remember this guy. i forgot his name (oh it's eman) but i clearly remember how me met when i was on my 1st few years in UPbliss and all have this midnight walks around Quezon memorial circle.

i spot him around the bend before sm north and he is this typical matipuno tall makisig kind of guy oozing with manly charm and sex appeal. the type of guy who is from the province and now im here in manila trying to find my luck. right in an instant i find him attractive. i was still smoking at that time and you know the immediate excuse once you spot that kind of person, to ask for a light. he happens to smoke himself and so we puff our cigs and do small talks. then as one of my lucky nights, he showed where he is staying and we had a good fuck.

i remember his dick as proportionate to his height

so he is somewhat huge and its a little bent towards the side. cannot remember if its towards the left or right. we became a fuck buddy up until i started inviting him over at my place. i love his smile and his effortless masculinity. i could easily fall for him however i at that time, i always had this standard of a guy that i could proudly present to my closed friends chai, russ and vera. the reason i cannot make it as a serious relationship is because he is jobless, although he is not asking for any assistance from me as he has an uncle who supported him but my "idealist" self get ahead of me.

i remember when he was so hurt that he let his house mate invited me via grindr for a one night stand. first i didn't know, i only find out when i went to the place where it happened to be the same place where he stays) and that house mate who is way too gwapo, after sex he says, that my ex fuck buddy is not over me , he even did not able to face me and stayed in the dark but i know it was him. as a young and able bachelor, i simply brush it aside. i didn't have the consideration to even recognise his feelings.

one time, now im in my late 30's after a decade, i spot a grabfood driver that looks like him (even with some bellyfats) but still look gwapo and sexy and i said to myself, i could fall for this guy.

if that time, I'm not so wrapped with the idea of having a trophy boyfriend, i could have still, seeing him over cigarette, sex and love making.

entry #20

was jogging inside UP campus when i came across a profile on gr. we meet and hook up. it was a good fuck. later i found out that he is an international designer based in France. he even design a dress for marina summers. he appeared on magazines (printed and online platforms) so he must be a big deal. his name is June macasinag. oh wow. i was flabbergasted with myself. well it reminds me of hooking up with this famous fashion designer as well from cebu named edwin ao, when i am still super young, and this designer was also in his prime-time so my ass got so lucky. he is the ultimate young bachelor and i was fucked bareback inside queensland. he is such a biggie and that time im fresh from my junior year in UP college. well i have nice bod since i do swim and look fresh when edwin noticed me in my design school in cebufame. i felt an ongoing surge of design/creative prowess palpitating inside my 

cervics.. lols

entry #19

i easily got panicky every time im not familiar or i am in an unknown territory (specially with technical, maybe because im more of the arts) 

we have this round the table talk with my favourite mates in my spanish class and i was able to dig and found out it came from a childhood trauma when i was little, out of curiosity of amazing displays , i got lost in a mall and i can vividly remember how i got 

panic to find my mother. i even tried to get down from an ascending escalator. until a saleslady approached me and i burst into tears. that was crazy.

now I understand. and maybe, the way i tried to deal with it is to travel or even simply get around to unknown territories as an attempt to reconcile that

past.

entry #18

through my licensure  review, came across about the critical first 7 years of child development. i try to recall the vivid memories i have during my early childhood:

-the moon following me as we ride a car

-colouring books! tons of it

-when my arm got pierced by a barb wire and my mom was so angry she even hurt me more by grabing me angrily at the same spot where my wound is. of which she later said it was because nataranta sya and she was so mad as she took super take care of us (to the extend di kami madapuan ng lamok when we are babies) and we end got wounded by carelessness.

-Christmas carols

-always no bday cakes for me since my bday falls in semana sannta where we suppose to be in puasa

-my papa surprise us by checking in at cebu plaza now marco polo cebu.

-my mama crying as she got beated by my drunken father.

-my grandparents visiting us in cebu from samar

-kindergarten or grade 1? memories.. duane and christian santos.. christian as the most smart.. ur the boss phrase...

duane moreno cute, i guess he is my first crush? mo i guess my first

-first infatuation is during flores de mayo cathechism, there's this fellow kid who checked my paper/notebook during a quiz and later found out he wrote something: i love you Leooldo.. first time i felt kilig and special.. keep on looking for him only to find out they migrated to the US. i remembered him as so neat, tall, matipuno, buotan looking and mestizo.. rich kid na hilumon

-another surprise out of town every time my papa came home from abroad.. my father is an OFW.. so he make sure he spend quality time with us with aunts and uncles.. we usually go to the beach.. my aunt cooking the very tastiest food! lots of tomatoes..

-harvesting fruits in campo, getting fishes from a pond. my kuya killing my guppies with muriatic acid. as he said it cleans them.. he is such a bully. me and my brother markpaul saw a falling star. we made a wish..

-i still have to ask my mother about the death of my sister when i was still 1 year old.. it might have caused me sadness..

-my father as a womaniser that might also explain i get easily jealous but get attracted to those kind of guys..

-might add more here

 

02/2025

28/02

-went for a walk and went to marina warf  (beyond mirador del carmen) and simply watched the sea on a moonless night. It's a new moon and i can only wish I was with someone i love. wondering if the lighted seashore just across me is minelva where minelvaguy resides.

-i like brayaan but i still miss minelvaguy.. i dunno why. And i am having bouts of jealousy (even with the scene of his gr profile with another guy who has the same loc and same minutes offline) , maybe I got it from my father---he is such a jealous type.. msged minelvaguy and asked him if he did meet someone, and he said no, he was sick with "anginas" hopefully it's just a colloquial spanish term for tonsillitis. i felt stupid but at the same time relieved

-savouring this lovely scent of the seville oranges in full white blossoms on a crisp, cold lingering air.

a promise of spring.

27/02

-watched nosferatu 2024 and 1922 version back to back

26/02

-went to Marbella, a day tour in its old town and beach walk

-soaked in it's beauty and felt as a tourist even i don't have extra to spend on fancy restaurant. I have with me some baon, toast drenshed in olive oil, buttter and my special seville orange marmalade. plus my home made pasta ala pobre. ate it at a wonderful spot with its beautiful sunset and promenade. Now I understand why it's called Marbella = Beautiful Sea. 

-a magical night, met brayaan, a Venezuelan. He is a cutie latino with huge cock. Beautiful smile and eyes. His nose is beautifully arched, have to kiss him sideways so it won't bumped into mine.

Made love with him at the  parque de enamorada, on top of the cliff. Had beer and talked with him while looking at the patronata de recaudación . Found out he is just here in Spain for 3 years, he got here when he was only 22 and he is turning 25 this coming July 10

Hope to know him better.

We laughed and kissed in between talks. Felt comfortable and lovely with him. I really had a great time.

23-25/02

-heart broken for the first time here in Spain with a Cataluñian guy (minelvaguy) i dunno, i like him so much but there's so much hindrance: he is not  yet out in the open ("Im bisex with hetero life"), my renewal can't be in the same region, meaning i have ho leave Andalusia for the next academic year, he seems to be a player, im in this familiar feeling of forcibly being hurt so i can forcibly move on, rather than further and furthers fall for him and get shattered.

-went to Fuengirola to meet with fellow Pinoy community, dive into Pinoy putahe. And able to do my first legit massage gig, 30eur per hour. Not bad! 

-disappointed with Fuengirola guys, one supposed to meet in a cruising area near fuente de la aparcamiento who stood up on me, then with this latino who is so paasa

-felt frustrated, so it triggered and joined my first pnp in Spain, this one with guys in Mijas, just across Fuengirola. Tried my first cocktail of me#€, gb#, nasal k€t/c@c@ and vi@gr@ altogether. Felt so hi and h@rn#..

Join these two tall blocks and had fun but didn't have enough.. not bad and at least i am not totally wasted. Just enough to numb the pain with minelvaguy. It wasn't potent enough so the sensation is short live and so is the recovery. Unlike my usual which usually takes 3 days to recover. This one, just one night sleep then im back to normal 

21-22/02

-can't get over endless summer syndrome, 

Sophie colon is marvellous 

-met again with Lucas, he is looking guapo as usual, specially when i saw him in san pedro, there something about Spanish guys when you see them out in the sun.. but  i guess he is seeing someone else as we don't have sex much often, and our sex is just routinary. I don't feel anything special about him either..

-excited for the semana blanca, although i wont be out of town, but i guess i have everything i need: nice solo house, wonderful beach, radiant sunny weather here at costa del sol

19-20/02

I've been stressing out with my future lately, like how I should be able to stay until summer. How can i stay longer here in costa del sol since i am attached with my fuck buddies and i am also falling in love for the guy from minelva.. 

Well maybe the gift of life comes along with constant worrying, pain and losss

-just got my renewal recommendation from profe/directora Inma and i am so touched how she strongly recommended me and she wish i can stay in this school but again, we cannot renew here in Andalusia.. so I have to go somewhere else..

-went to my favorite spot in cancelada, an empty land that overlooks the mountains and the sea . If only i had the money, i wanna purchase this location and stay here.. i cried as i got overwhelmed with uncertainties and the beauty of impermanence

18/02

-"even if you're just filling in, you have to be prepared.. you'll never know who might be in the audience." "You know, Love isn't everything " 

Watched the piano teacher and those two quotes stabbed me deep 

17/02

-woke up with a vivid dream. Being with Imelda Marcos in a shared uber, she asked if we can have the trip ride for much less.. then the rider not letting go of me, even if i was able to pay my fareshare.. then he raped me. He is a man with syphilis but good thing i was able to escape. And i woke up.

-was too tired with class and was still had a mild headache from too much sex last weekend, but minelvaguy asked me to meet with him again.. i said no, but he insisted since he wont be available the coming days and weeks (semana blanca) so i said yes and here we go again, a roller coaster ride of wonderful love making. I really like him. His scent his body his kisses.. he is my ideal man. Just Thinking of him makes me horny and feel the lovebug. He let me see his pics when he was 19 and gosh he looks like a handsome actor who can appear on a movie screen.

16/02

-still can't get over with the minelva guy. He reminds me of good long sex when I am high with zaeed or with p.james. but this time without any chem.. it's pure passion and intense love making 

-felt jealous when the minelva guy asked if we can have a threesome with some other bottom guy. Well better be like this as again, he is married. Weird, i felt like nicole kidman on her portrait in babygirl. Tried to ignore him but he kept on msging me. 

-met melacomes once again, i really love his musky scent, his huge dick and handsomeness, too bad he didn't fuck me. So i swallowed his cum and then proceed with sevilla guy who fucks me hard and deep. Met lucerito, his black cat.

-ale blanco msge me again, as always, he didn't push through, so finally blocked him. Not worth the fuss.

-definitely one great weekend 

15/02

-had one of the best sex encounter so far. A Cataluñian guy who is residing in minelva. My kind of muscular bear. 31 and he has a very beautiful huge juicy dick. We met at 2:30 and ended at 11:30pm. He came around 5x! And me 2x. Its a long session without taking anything. Just wine, good coffee and cuddle/sleep in between. Felt all my frustrations in sex got diminished.

14/02

-met ruben just after midnight.. he works in tikatano restaurant and he is hot. Around 6' with a long large dick that looks cut when erect.. i like him so much. He fucks me all night long and bareback.

-a long call with Russ.. talk about the rules that we just created that doesn't really have to be there. Able to come up with a good title: the metaphor of an orange in the mind of a pantomime 

-AI vs emotional intelligence, watched babygirl.

-got disappointed with ale blanco as he said he is coming but again, he didn't. Kinda felt low

13/02

-had a great time with profe Enca's class. Also got amused with boys play time with other boys.. its so gay but i know these guys are just playful.

-just keep on day dreaming. Since I don't have other work and just simply take my free time. I wish i can stay like this forever but i have to earn more money for the summer break.

-had a call with Max and we catch up

12/02

-able to submit the supporting document to Miriam.. i hope it would suffice for my academia position. 🙏

-finally able to see the full moon after waiting for hours after sunset in my favorite beach. Done the melancholia kind of moon bathing.. this time, i felt it's not the end of the world, but it's only just the beginning 

11/02

-Ignacio is very supportive of me as he is willing to provide me a supporting document to get me into academia. Omgee, I'm getting some flicker of hope to overcome my financial challenges.

-taking my sweet time as i felt that i will be busy in case i will be accepted for the academia. If I get accepted, better.. if not, i will be fine. Come what may.

-watched feathr feature for siargao.. it makes me miss the Philippines a bit but at least it's giving me hope that our country is getting into sustainability. Well i could only wish the government could support and provide major contributions as well.

10/02

-Was about to take the bus back home when i realised i left my wallet in my room. I have a one on one classes to catch in 3 hours. Able to walk from canceleda to Estepona in 2.5 hours! Thats 12km! Crazy.. but the shores from cancelada going to Estepona is soooo stunning ! It is called  the Golden Mile for a reason! I never felt tired walking as the view is so breath taking!

-i was able to make it to my classes with andrea and ana on time! And able to earn 30eur for the two hours session. Treat myself with some good food afterwards. Oooof! What a day?!

09/02

-told russ about me having this mental breakdown. I am aware of it but not sure if i am dealing with it correctly 

-watched trine dyrholm portrayal as the main cast in the movie queen of hearts.. i am so impressed with her performance (back to back with the girl with a needle)

-finally went out of my bed. I need to shrug off my blues away.. do my usual walk to my favorite shore and see the sunset. As mimiyuh put it, it's a promise of tomorrow.. I am also amazed how the flowering trees are now starting to bloom. A promise of spring time 😍

08/02

-felt low as i encountered another issue on having a work with academia.. i felt sad because i thought it's my means of financial breakthrough as it offers more than i could imagine (1100eur) on top of my 800eur monthly stipend from being auxiliar de conversación.. although it is back breaking task but it's the only way i could pay off my loans asap. But i dunno, they are still consulting it over with their paralegals.. 

-experienced and survived my first ever sobre mesa.. after a wonderful get together dinner with my coordinator Ignacio and his wife: Isa, then my landlady Maria with her partner Carlos.

It was a wonderful moment.

07/02

-every day really feels like a new day. How many times have i said to myself this one of those moments i really feel alive? regardless if i have this unsecured residence permit or rent money for the upcoming months.. for now, i have enough.. breathing, living sufficiency 

06/02

-learned my first (official) flamenco moves from my student named Claudia who is under the mentorship of Anna Guerrero. It feels so special as all these time I only learning it from youtube.

-went to the shore.. feels like it's been a while since i visited my vicinity shore here in Estepona.. and im growing to love this shore more and more and even able to dream owning one of those marvellous beachfront mansions.. cubist houses that looks like the one in Picasso's

05/02

-watched rotten in the sun. Reminds me of my summer frolics in puerto galera and sta fe where i had all this cruising and sex by the beach fun.

03-04/02

-watched mister lonely and then the girl with a needle. Two heavy films but somehow it gave me some hope in dark times.

02/02

-tried to go back to estepona earlier for my class with Isabel but it was cancelled 

-simply relax and have a chill Sunday.

-meet c. Sevilla guy and i just realised he is indeed gwapo and has a nice light musky scent. We had a very torrent kissing and sex. Later someone else joined us, a contact.. we did a threesome while being sandwiched by them. It was kinky and hot as my main guy was in ski mask, me in sleep mask while the other guy fucked me behind. It was like a eric video kind of scene. As the other guy fucked me bareback and burst inside me. While c. Sevilla guy nourished me with his milk on his big gigantic genital

01/02

Enzo's birthday 

-spent it in Nerja with Enzo and Lyza 

-one of the best coast in costa del sol. We went to Anahí restaurant for breakfast and wow.. the view reminds me of bag of beans in tagaytay but instead of a lake, we have the view of a sea by the cliff.

-roam around the town but mostly we've simply sunbathed by its picturesque shores. It reminds me of puka beach of boracay and borawan for its clear waters and rocky cliffs.

-cooked for lyza and Enzo and i love it when they loved my cooking 

-also shared with them my home made seville orange marmalade 

-had this crazy ride on a bus going to Rincon as it filled with youth heading to the feria. It was so packed and filled with energy and excitement. First time to make mokong on a bus. Ahaha as we went backdoors.

01/2025

31/01

-went to málaga and able to get my TIE card.. finally.. after 3 or 4 visits? And after 5 months? Feel legit as a spanish resident, although it expires when my classes end this May, but let's do one step at a time. I felt jubilant and accomplished 

-but before that i had another bad experience with orange mobile as my reload didn't go to my monthly plan, my 10eur depleted in a few hours rather than a month. Got no data, no maps, Got lost in malaga and was very late for my scheduld appointment at the departmento de extranjero.. ahahah . Panic attack!! but im glad i made it to plaza Azana, was able to get in by the ever merciful police woman and recoger mi tarjeta 😅

-able to get inside the Pablo Picasso museum for free!!! That alone is worth more than 10eur so i felt my loss was just nothing 

-also got above alcazaba and have a nice view of Málaga. Just a wonderful way to end the 1st month of the year

-then later meet with ENZO and his landlady Sonia, wonderful woman.. reminds me of ms. Bambi vibes

-slept in Rincon 

30/01

-meet Teo, the guy from Paraguay.. same as before,we have intense love making. Its amazing how his mother is strong enough to work at 72. I pray she can then later process her pension.

27-29

-integrated yoga as my initial warm up during my classes with andrea and ana. They are both siblings from Sevilla 

-meet lucas, i really find him guapo and i could only wish he can sleep with me after we have sex

25-26/01

-watched bjork cornucopia apple music live with russ. Also watched bjork's interview with zane lowe

-3way call with russ and vera.. talked about the people we know who passed away.. the one who turned off themselves and how i inserted chai's reaction on what one of her acquaintance from bohol. Also asked them how they navigated with it and how we manuever our perspective on their passing.. it was a good talk while we do kitchen wars.. 

-re enkindle my session with Isabel and coach her with her upcoming Cambridge exam. She gifted me an egg chocolate from Ireland.. she is so sweet.

-done grocery at carrefour expreess near the old church and take advantage of the 50% descuento.. i felt abundant as i see my ref filled with food.

-rewatch bjorks live performance, cornucopia in lisob in full clarity on the big LCD toshiba screen

-what a nice weekend indeed 

20-24/01

-i really feel I'm living the life.. living alone in a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom middle estepona apartment, warm baths almost every day, beach during during the weekends on a mild tropical-winter weather, good sex with hot Mediterranean guys and good food.. although my salary is not that much but i am able to do what i love to do and can take a nap and sleep as long as i want to. God is good.. feeling blessed.

-gibraltar guy cannot be with me since he have family get together. I missed him.

-day dreaming and thinking of Enzo. Felt excited about his upcoming bday celebration in Rincon and in Nerja

-met this Peruvian guy named Teo, i like him..he reminds me of Noel. Chubby with a distinct musky scent. We had an intense and hot love making. I felt a connection with him. I cannot wait to see him again soon.

18-19/01

-weekend get together with lyza and alex. My Cebuano tribe here in Spain. I am so happy to get ourselves together again after our last reunion last October. Chill and relax here in Estepona, show them around and host them at my apartment. Cooked for them. And drink with them hygge style.

The morning after we had French toast for breakfast. We also went for the beach. Extreme waves crashing, wonderful sun bathing.. relaxing massage.. ahhh.. the wonders of a blissfull weekend.

17/01

-felt so down. Tired and defeated. Again. Not able to get the teaching position in Estepona as i don't have my work permit yet and then I missed my appointment to claim my TIE card. I'm so tired and could have used the 22eur for groceries to host for this upcoming weekend get together with lyza and alex. 

-comforted with the idea that my breakthrough is coming and its just a matter of few days and should be able to get through this series of unfortunate events

13-16/01

-received a group letter from my students in 3'a

The first time i had it was also in highschool.. it's nice that they are experiencing it with me.

-me and chai had this late night talk again and how she dealt with her past traumas. How it affects her and the people around her. I am so amazed how i also dealt with my own traumas, past (j rojo) and new (mr. Fahim).. how i let karma just let them have what they've done and also simply get excited of the rewards i will be receiving for not losing my faith to humanity and to God almighty.. 

-simply chill at home and do some diy garnishing for a michelen kind of plating 

-so engrossed with the concept of hygge.. even taught it to ana, my interior designer student 

-day dreaming. I am wondering who i should be in love with:

Lucas, the Spanish lover guy. The Gibraltar extreme sex guy.. or Enzo my crush.. my filam travel buddy, of which we have so many moments together..

12/01

-had a great talk with chloe and mamu. We able to catch and im so happy that my niece is growing as lovable and understanding person

-my mom showed me her garden as i showed her the garden i am taking care of here in my rented apartment in Estepona 

-the weather is so beautiful, I went to the beach and although it wasn't planned but took a dip since the water was so clear and the sun was so bright, it made me able to withstand the 16'c water

11/01

-Waking up with Gibraltar guy

It's nice to hug someone while sleeping and in this cold winter

-had some "me time" and even had some body scrub and hot bath. I felt i went to a spa. With the Mediterranean diet im having i felt my body is glowing and rejuvenated

-saw my first shooting star. I was only able to mutter hukarasha baraba of which I can only wish for breakthrough and greatness..

09-10/01

-i have this notion of going back to the Philippines, but Always remembering that Someone says, all you have in the Philippines are your family and some memories, other than that, it is not worth coming back.

-also remembering a student saying, andito kna eh, magpatuloy kanalang dito (in Spain)

-met lucas and did it at mercadona but it didn't go well..

-watched back to back: end of the century (2011) and the, weekend (2014)

-weekend reminds me of p.james.. of which i felt something grand, and only for me to migrate in Europe 

08/01

I had the most amazing hot bath ever . I made the water level up to my entire body until i attained dead ears . It reminds me of my floating sessions in bantayan and in boracay and also able to traverse my sensual memory back to mambakul in Bacolod where i felt the warmth of the water feels like a mother's womb. Now i understand why there are people who choose to take their lives this way.

-fahim or rahim malik reminds me of jane rojo who accused me and took advantage of me.. well, karma has its way to get back.. i also remember how i got julio, my first ultimate love life and how im able to get financial breakthrough after that unfortunate incident.. i claim love and abundance..

07/01

-i still have that holidaze laziness in me

-got powers from my students 

-made a good presentation with Ignacio in front of the German guests 

-it's a wonderful start of work day

06/01

Having ptsd attacks again from my recent scam with fahim and his furniture shop. I always drown it with the thought that the blessings i have outweigh the grievances. May karma take its reign.

05/01

-opened my gift from my landlady, maria

Such a way to end the long tradition of 3 kings

-met Lucas, as usual he is so handsome and we kiss intensely. But i still keep on thinking of Enzo 

01/04

My norway trip and the long vacation when i got back here in Spain was definitely life changing.. it teaches me to calm down.. to be not always on the run.. that life itself will sort itself out..

02-03/01

-enzo helped me intensely 

-kept on thinking about Enzo, just realized how much monents we've spent together 

01/2025

Welcoming the first day 

of a new year

Clouds and rain showers..

Mediterranean 

River meets the sea

A silverlining

Hope and prayers

A meditation

And here, appears the sun.

He rises

A salutation, by the beach

A View: Rock of Gibraltar and Morocco 

Flying sea gulls

Waves crashing

Butoh dancing 

Nesting

Wading 

Simplifying

Wandering 

Wondering

On: no one and nothing..